How I’m feeling…like a broken record.
My blog is full of facts. There is no denying what he has said when I have the ability to simply copy and paste, word for word, the insanity. Its not as though I have recall full conversations where there would be room for error, or remembering something incorrectly. I can’t be accused of twisting his words or taking things out of context. Its all right here.
I’ve not been writing much about how I’ve been feeling, besides the pre birthday angry rant. I suppose being exhausted by the variety of things going on and needing my attention in any given day might lead me to not wanting to expend any more precious energy on thinking, feeling, and then writing about it…Plus, I really feel like a broken record….but lets try and see where it goes.
I am exhausted. Anyone who has to deal with a disagreeable ‘co parent’ understands this. Every little thing is a giant thing, so the giant things can’t possibly be dealt with. Things like visitation, contact, child support, medical decision making, are big things, and things that the court will need to decide for us. Not because of OUR inability to come to a resolution, but because of HIS disagreeableness.
I am sad that D doesn’t have a dad. I’m sad that it makes D feel uncomfortable when A goes away with dad for the weekend, and D doesn’t even get a phone call.
I feel discouraged that this is what my kids father is going to be like – forever. He isn’t going to change, not for the better anyway. He will always be this way. Dealing with him will never get better, it will always be a struggle. He will always be angry, he will always use the kids as pawns. He is always going to try to make something out of nothing. He is always going to ignore the larger problems and never take any kind of responsibility.
I’m worried x is going to try to take my kids, not because he loves and misses them, but because he hates me. Because he doesn’t want to pay support. Because he wants more people in his life to control.
I’ve said this all before. I say it over and over. I’m tired of hearing myself say it. Im tired of feeling all this stuff. Some of it is just from parenting, some of it is from being divorced, some of it is from raising teenage boys…But most of it is because of X, and most of it is avoidable. That’s the most frustrating part.
But, on a positive note, My husband loves me. He loves my kids. He would do anything to protect and support us. We are a team. We talk, we make decisions together. He understands that x isn’t right in the head, and he understands what kind of impact this has on the boys. He does his best to be a positive role model. Monday we went to the park where he was simultaneously throwing baseballs to A for batting practice and the frisbee to D in the outfield. He makes this situation bearable. He makes me feel good. He reminds me that I’m doing alright. So, despite all the doubt I have, and all the worry and panic I carry around with me, I somehow manage to be ok.
Looking Forward 