There is no end
X was spouting some crazy stuff…as usual. He brought up my friend and told me that if I were more like her, then our divorce would be like her and her ex’s.
Her and her ex communicate. They share the kids. He pays support. They have a very amazing working relationship, as it is solely based on what is best for their kids. Its the kind of divorce I used to think was possible for me and X. I know better now.
I emailed her telling her about the crazy, how he brought her up in the conversation. She reiterated that she and her ex work well together because they aren’t thinking about themselves. They are both active participants in their kids lives. I agreed with her. Then she said “I can’t wait for you to not have to deal with this any more.”
I find it frustrating when people say things like that to me. There won’t be a time when I won’t have to deal with this. Because we have kids, as long as my kids are on this earth, he will be in my life in some capacity. Its unfortunate. Its aggravating. It makes me want to scream. There is no escape from this. He will always be lingering.
I wish people understood it. But they don’t. They are still of the mindset that he has some kind of “normal” in his thinking. That perhaps, eventually, he’ll realize that if he hates me so much, he should just leave me alone. Rather than constantly trying to cause trouble, he could just have a life of his very own, without me in it. But his brain isn’t working like that. He is caught up with revenge. With winning. With being right. With being victorious. With the world knowing what a whore I am. What a terrible mom I am. How I ruined his whole life. Until I feel as badly about myself as he does about himself, he won’t quit. But unless you are in a position to have to deal with someone with a disorder like this, you can’t really fathom just how crazy and persistent they are.
The trouble is, the kids lose in all this. They don’t get two, equally committed parents to their best interests. They have one who’s entire life is devoted to helping them become fine young men. The other is hell bent on making the kids realize how the other parent is failing them, and to point out all the other parent’s flaws and shortcomings. If there isn’t enough to make a stink, he’ll just make some up, saying that its in the kids’ best interest that they know what kind of person their mother is. He doesn’t need facts or reality. He is so sure I do this on my end as well. The reality is, I don’t talk about the kids’ dad. Perhaps in passing “Did you talk to your dad today?” Otherwise there is no discussion about him. We have no reason to. He doesn’t communicate with me about anything regarding the kids, so I never have anything to share with them about him. He tells the kids how much he hates me. How he can’t deal with me. It makes them feel awkward.
There is no end to this. There may be relief when A leaves for college, as he doesn’t seem to have much use for D. There will hopefully be more relief when D heads to college. My fingers are crossed, but I’m not holding my breath.
Looking Forward 