Looking Forward

Making a better life for me and my kids

Archive for the tag “parents”

30 Apr 2014
10 Comments

Kids.

Asshat managed, poor grammar and all, to inform me of the dates he and GF are going to Europe. June 22-July 17. 

“Tentatively speaking, me and Nicole will be traveling throughout Europe from June 22nd through July 17th. A has told me he will be staying at my house for a portion of that time and since he will be 17 at that time I am perfectly fine with him doing so. “

UGH! NICOLE AND I! Genius. 

According to A, rather than board his dog for that whole time, he’ll have A stay out in the woods to make sure she gets fed one time per day for the first week. In exchange A can have the house to himself and “a lot of food”. A’s other grand plan is to have his (less than responsible) side kick stay with him for that week. With no adult supervision. Which, A is close to 17 (his birthday isn’t until July), his side kick has just turned 18, but I think its sort of irresponsible to let them both be out there, alone, with no adult at least checking in on them. 

A seems to think this is a fine idea. After the first week, apparently, Asshat has arranged for someone to pick the dog up and take her to be boarded. When I asked A, “why not just board her the entire time?” He said, “boarding a dog for 3 weeks is expensive.” Yeah, no kidding, But if you’re going to already board her for 2 weeks, is 1 more week that big of a difference?” A just shrugged. 

Then D said, “Where is dad going?” I said, “Europe, with Nicole for 3 weeks.” I’m not sure I’ve ever seen D look so disgusted, “god.” he said. 

A then went on to talk about how he wanted to go to Massachusetts with Michael when he goes – that he was going to go right after school was out, but A thinks he can get him to stay with him for the dog watching week…then they’ll go to Mass. together and hang out….”Two, Three weeks, a month at the most” (Micheal has family down there). I told him he might want to start saving up some money for that. I asked about the concerts I’ve bought him tickets for this summer for his birthday. “Are you going to be here for that?” He just looked at me…”when is it?”

Seriously? 

Deep Breath…..

I asked about baseball and if he was planning on playing. He said he didn’t know, then said if he had rides he would. I told him I thought baseball the next two seasons was important so I’d be willing to give him rides. Then he mumbled something and the conversation was over.

I’m so frustrated and irritated with him not able to think shit through. Obviously if you’re in Massachusetts for a month, you won’t be able to play baseball! If you don’t have a job, you won’t be able to save up any money! If you don’t bother to practice driving, you’re not ever going to pass your license test! If you think you’re going to college 1000 miles away, you might want a way to get there that isn’t a bus! Staying in the woods at your dad’s for a full week with no way to go anywhere is a bad idea! Your dad thinking you can be responsible for another living thing is also a bad idea! This is evidenced by his comment “I only need to really go there one time per day to feed her.” Good lord. He thinks he’s “tried to find a job”…he’s filled out and turned in ONE application. One. That does not constitute ‘trying to find a job’! I get he wants to have a ‘super fun summer hanging out with his friends’ and all …. who wouldn’t? But we’re getting down to the end of this ‘fun time’ and real life is creeping in. A little more than a year from now he’s going to start having bills, expenses, responsibilities. People are going to have expectations of him and require him to show up and do what he’s told – even if its not what he wants to do. Its called being an adult. Its coming whether or not he likes it….and I’m afraid he’s going to be SO unprepared. 

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09 Feb 2014
3 Comments

The End.

I’ve read it, re-read it, scanned it, copied it, forwarded it, read it again…the order has arrived. 

Friday at lunch I saw that my lawyer had emailed me. She stated that she thought I would be “pleased” with what the order contained. This may have set my expectations a little too high. 

The order contained largely what I expected it to. The main points are: 
* Week on and a week off for A.
*Each parent gets 2 non-consecutive weeks of vacation with the kids.
*Child support for me of $103.41 per week, retroactive to April 12 of 2013 when the court deemed it ‘reasonable’ that he should start supporting his kids after the ‘transition’ from school and bar study. This adds up to right around $4800.00.
*All rights and responsibilities remain shared, however if I email him he has 48 hours to respond, otherwise I can make a unilateral decision. Unfortunately, the timeliness of his bullshit responses to whatever I had to say about the kids was never really an issue.
*He is not allowed to contact D to arrange visitation, he is to go through me, then, contact with D will be alternating weekends, Friday at 5pm to Sunday at 5pm.
*The person receiving the child is to do the transportation.
*He is responsible for 52% of uninsured medical costs. 
*His motion to enforce is denied, as it was made clear that I was within reason to not force D to go visit, considering how D felt about the whole thing. 

D was not happy about this. Since the last time he visited, he doesn’t want to go anymore. His response when I told him about the order was, he’s hoping that dad never sees the order, and if he does, he hopes he doesn’t bother to email me about it.
A is fine with this. However, when I started talking about plans to go to Fl to see husband’s family (which we’ve been holding off on planning until we got the order) A is under the impression that we can’t go unless dad ‘consents’ to us going. “Dad won’t let us” is what he said. I told him that wasn’t accurate, we can do whatever we like, dad gets no say in it. When A says stuff like that, it really makes me wonder how much inaccurate control garbage he really spews at A when they are together. 

This is bullshit, if you ask me. Why did I have to spend over $8000.00 on a fucking lawyer to get THIS as the result? Oh right…its because he is an abusive, manipulative, piece of shit, ass monkey.

And….as for my lawyer? I wouldn’t recommend her. She was expensive, and not particularly useful. She didn’t really grasp what kind of person we were dealing with. I could tell that she often thought, especially in the beginning, that I was overreacting to the shit asshat was doing. She somehow ‘forgot’ to put legal fees into the pretrial list of what we were asking for, even though she and I had talked about it specifically several times. This meant that it wasn’t up for discussion during the trial. She initially quoted me $1500.00 to take care of this. When that money was gone, she estimated another $2000.00. We got our final bill from her yesterday and we owe her $6600.00. We’d get bills monthly. We knew it was accumulating, but we had no way to stop it, not when she wanted to see every fucking email exchange. She was unclear about the amount of time we had for our trial. She’d prepared for 2 days, when we only got 1 day. I paid for prep that we didn’t need. She frequently would ask me “can you think of anything else I should be asking?” during the trial. Fuck man, I don’t know…isn’t this YOUR job? Isn’t this why I owe you so much money now? She even charged me $18.50 to read and respond to the email I sent her on the 27th asking if she’d heard anything about the order yet, as we were told we’d have it in 30 days, maybe less. I guess not really having a grasp on what we needed ourselves made it difficult to be able to choose the appropriate lawyer. Or maybe we just totally picked the wrong person. Or maybe she was a shitty lawyer. I don’t know. 

Anyway. It’s over. I’ve got the order. $8000 dollars and 16 months later, It’s not what I wanted, but it’s about what I expected. This process has been complete and total bullshit from beginning to end. 

The End. 

 

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02 Dec 2013
5 Comments

Christmas list

On Sunday I got a text message from A. “Dad wants to know what to get D for Christmas.” My initial reaction was, well then Dad should probably call D. Instead I told D and asked what he’d like to do with this. Does he want to have Dad call? Does he want to email Dad? He wanted me to just tell Dad what he’d like. I cut him off and told him that A and I are not the messengers for his Christmas list. D then decided he’d email Dad. I asked if he wanted my help and he said no, he’d be ok. 

Dear Dad,
When you finish reading this, please don’t send me some BS response, saying that its not your fault you left, its moms… Don’t do that. 
Any way, I would rather not come to your house for Christmas this year. You are more than welcome to mail your gift to me, or send it home with A. The reason I don’t want to come to your house this year, are because you missed a good three years of my life. During those year allot of things happened. I don’t feel safe around you, your and A argue over little things, you would (per-say) over react and other things of such nature. perhaps if you went to counselor or something, I don’t really know but anything to keep your anger levels at a minimum. The reasons I kept hanging up on you, were because I was either busy or I didn’t want to talk to you. I feel like I am being pulled apart between you and mom. Mom says you lie, and you say mom lies. I don’t know what to believe or who to believe.
P.S. For Christmas I would like Lego’s or a PC game. Or an X-Box game. You might have to cordnate w/ mom to figure out what she is getting me.
Love D
 
What a great opportunity for X to take some responsibility for being absent and selfish. A perfect chance to apologize and be humble…Or not. 

 

Dear D,
Here is your no BS response – I understand how you feel, probably more than you may think.  It was not your fault. none of that or this.  I left for the singular reason that I was attending school. I intended to finish as soon as I could and return to maine.  I graduated before anyone else in my class and returned to maine as I promised – early.

I am not sure where the issues of safety you have are coming from either, but if those are indeed your feelings and your not just saying that based on something you have heard others say than I will respect that.  

you should also know that I did attend counseling for over a year as I worked through many issues and sadness at the loss of our family. It was hard but ultimately it has helped me greatly to be a much happier person. I understand your anger, it is a part of the healing process just as much is it was for me as it will be for you.  there are many parts to grieving and anger is always one of them unfortunately.

I am sorry that you feel like you are being pulled between myself and your mother. All I know is that I want to spend time with you. I think it is important for you to spend time with me.  as you know, I haven’t had much time with you since I have returned to Maine. Despite the fact that I want to see you and spend time with you that has been prevented.  

I want you to know that I have learned a lot over the last few years. My new profession has a very important rule about lying, and if I lie I can get in very big trouble and not be allowed to be a lawyer.  you should know that you and your brother mean way more to me then any profession or job or money. if I have learned anything in my life, with my dad included, it is that all lies are always uncovered by the truth at some point. I think it’s more important to be honest with you as much as I can because I am going to be your dad for many many more years to come.  lying to you is just not worth it.  the truth is always the best policy.

just know this, I understand you don’t know who to believe or what to believe. I get this.  all I can say is that the times you were allowed to visit you seemed to be having fun, even when I made you correct your paper a couple of times.  it is OK for you to want to visit, it is OK for you to need time to feel comfortable visiting.  my door and home will always be open to you anytime you want.

I want you to think about some stuff, and really give this some thought.

if I could have gone anywhere and started a new life, why did I come back to this state and your town?

if it wasn’t important to me to spend time with you, then why would I bother to fight in court for my right to see you?

I love you and always will because you’re my boy. I’m not going to stop trying to spend time with you, and I’m not going to stop trying to do what I feel is in your best interest. That’s what real dads do. 

I will try to find some really cool games and they will be waiting for you when I see you again!

Love,
Dad

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , ,
26 Sep 2013
11 Comments

Frustration

I am beyond frustrated.

I feel like I’ve typed that sentence 100 times here in the last 10 months. But here I am, typing it again. 

It’s interesting to think about what “frustrating” really means these days. Traffic used to be frustrating. Lines at Wal-Mart used to be frustrating. The kids throwing fits and whining to get their way used to be frustrating. Funny how perspective changes. Now a court date that was rescheduled, X calling D and telling him he has to go to court and talk to a judge and a conference with the judge regarding the kids as witnesses not being scheduled until the middle of October is frustrating. 

It’s as though the more anxious I am for this to end, the quicker the Universe is to shut me down. 

I was looking at child support worksheets today. If I make more than X, and if we both provide “substantially equal care” for A, than the person who makes more money is considered the “non-primary caregiver” for the purposes of the form. That would mean If I make more than X,  I will likely have to pay him support for A. I am trying to be hopeful that I am misunderstanding this form. I am trying to apply common sense here and trust that the system isn’t going to take my child away from me, and then make me pay X for the favor. You’d think with D, it would end up being a wash, that I’ll remain the primary caregiver, and that X would then owe me, but the calculations indicate a discrepancy of $66.00 a week. Meaning, I’d owe X $66.00 a week more than he’d owe me – so I still end up paying him. How can that be? I’ve got to be reading these forms wrong. 

Whether I’m wrong or not, I guess it’s not the worst thing to be prepared for something like this. I’ll file it away under “Worst case scenario.” 

I emailed my parents to let them know that court had been postponed. I said I was a mess of stress and anxiety. I just want this to be over.  This is the response I got from my dad: 

Stacey, I truly understand about being a mess of stress and anxiety. It looks as if time will be your only antidote. But in the mean time you should take solace in yourself. You are a remarkable person. You have come so far and accomplished so much, all through a ridiculously difficult period of time. Very few people would of ever come this far. I’m unbelievably proud of you and your accomplishments and I’m a hard man to impress. So find solace in yourself, your abilities and your accomplishments. The only advice I can offer you is, that whenever you are tempted to look how much farther you have to go, stop and turn around and marvel at far you have come.
Love, Dad
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29 Jul 2013
4 Comments

Baseball is over

A made the All Star baseball team. Not a difficult task considering there were only 9 kids to pick from. Either way, he was happy to play, and we were happy to support him.

His first game was on Saturday. He was the starting pitcher. Against the team from the town we used to live in. The team he could have played for if he’d wanted to. The team had gone undefeated in all of regular season. A’s team hadn’t won a single game. 

He fought hard, pitched 98 pitches in 4 innings. He only let up 2 runs. They ended up losing the game, but not because of A’s performance. 

The second game was Sunday. A came home from a friends house on Sunday morning, stripped down and I threw his uniform in the wash. He showered, changed, and I took him to his father’s new apartment. I told him he could either stop over and get his uniform before the 7pm game or I could bring it over and drop it off.

At 3:30 A texted me and asked me to bring his uniform to dad’s. I did. When A came to the car to get it he said, “Dad is coming to this game.” 

I said, “Good! I am too.”

A said, “No. You can’t.”

I said, “Yes, I can. I paid for All Stars, I’ve done everything for you to make baseball a thing you could do. I’m going.”

A shook his head, slammed the car door and went back inside.

I thought about not going. I was worried this would somehow be hard for A if we were both there. The stadium for these games is big. It’s not a crappy field roped off with snow fence. Its an actual stadium.  After much discussion, Husband and I decided we’d go. 

I asked D if he wanted to go. “No.” he said. I tried to sweeten the deal, “Dad’ll be there, you could hang with him.” D’s response was, “I have better things to do with my time.” 

Then we got this email from X.

A is with me today.  I am not okay with you anywhere near me and him while he is with me.  I would appreciate it if you respected that, as this is my time with him and not yours.  At this point I simply cannot trust that you will not cause trouble or friction that would ultimately lead to him feeling bad, sad, or being embarrassed.  If I have to I will seek any sort of available restraining order I need to protect his time with me from being disrupted by you.  FYI – he did not seem overly impressed that you were planning on being in attendance today regardless of whether you paid for the league or not.

Well, if we were on the fence at all about going before, we’re DEFINITELY going now! 

We arrived at 6:40 pm. His car wasn’t there. He wasn’t there. We sat. We waited. The National Anthem played. I was paranoid and worried. Everyone who walked by I was afraid it was him. Around 7:20 pm it became clear he wasn’t going to show up. 

A played second base. One throw to first ended up in the other teams dugout. He was shaking his arm. I’m guessing he didn’t ice it the night before. It was probably jello. 

He got two singles and scored twice. After his last at bat, we left. They lost, 4-7.

We checked our cellphone site. A called his dad at 9:07 when the game ended. Presumably to come get him. 

I’ve since texted A to apologize for suggesting that since I paid for All Stars that I should get to go. I told him that him not wanting me there hurt my feelings. I also told him I was very proud of him. I’m sure I won’t get a response, he is a teenage boy after all. 

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , ,
02 Apr 2013
4 Comments

Feeling lighter

Thing have been busy. Always. So. Busy. 

We got to visit with my parents, my brother, sister in law and niece for Easter. It was a lovely time. Plus, there was pie, so really, there was no going wrong.

The big news, however, is that I’ve retained a lawyer. I’ve consulted with her a few times before, so I was able to briefly explain where we were at, what was happening, and what I wanted. I wrote her a check and walked out feeling 1000 pounds lighter. 

I wanted to be able to do this all by myself. I wanted to not have to spend money on a system that should be accessible to me for free. But, in the end, I’m tired of him. After seeing how mediation shook out when I refused to deal with him directly, I saw that the more people between him and I, the better. 

Tonight I have a friend from Georgia in town with her boys. My boys and I will be having dinner with them. Things feel almost….normal.

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , ,
01 Nov 2012
4 Comments

Where does he come up with this?

As you all know, I served the X with modification papers. After nearly a month, he was finally served. I let him know that I would be willing to negotiate prior to a case management hearing. I had the idea that if he gave me what I wanted, I’d take child support off the table. I figured he’d use me waiting for a response as a power play. I didn’t think I’d hear back from him so quickly. Here is the email exchange:

From: ME
To: X
Subject: Re: resolution

Visitation for D to be changed to “reasonable times” to allow him more freedom in making decisions about visitation / overnights. This would not apply to the alternating holiday schedule already in place.

A change in visitation schedule to Sunday at 9am to Wednesday at 3pm. Pick up and drop off remains at the Tradewinds Store. When they are with you, it is your responsibility to be sure they get to school and any extra-curricular activities they are participating in at that time.

When I receive 7 day notice that you intend to use the Sunday-Wednesday schedule, I will be sure to forward you any activity schedules they have.

All communication regarding scheduling time with the kids outside of normal Sunday-Wednesday schedule is to be done with me via email or text message. Not with the kids.

All communication regarding any scheduling or transportation issues for the Sunday-Wednesday schedule is to be done with me via email or text message. Not with the kids.

I am requesting all medical rights and responsibilities be allocated to me for both kids.

In the event that you are staying somewhere besides your mother’s house in Clifton, pickup and drop off location can be altered to accommodate a halfway point for both of us, but that is something that you would need to communicate with me about at least 7 days in advance.

Child support will remain at $0.00

His response:

From: X
To: ME
Subject: RE: resolution 

This sounds like you want me to terminate all of my parental rights including those agreed upon in the divorce agreement, does this also mean you wish for me to complete the process by terminating my parental responsibilities?
_________________________________
I’m guessing someone told him that the only way to NOT have to pay child support is to terminate your parental rights? Or he’s baiting me into saying YES! LEAVE US ALL THE HELL ALONE! so he can show A what he’s been saying all along, that I don’t want the kids to have him as their father. Regardless of what I want, he IS their father, and I can’t do anything to change that.
Posted in abuse, child support, co-parenting, court forms, crazy making, Divorce, kids, long distance parenting, parenting, reality and tagged , , , , ,

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