Looking Forward

Making a better life for me and my kids

Archive for the tag “moving”

11 Jun 2014
4 Comments

almost summertime!

Its been a long time since I’ve posted here…lets see what there is to catch up on.

1. things with asshat remain the same. He’s not spoken to or contacted D since February when D tried to call and arrange to visit. I have been getting regular child support payments (yay!). However, he is now 60 days past due with the HELOC. With his trip to europe in a couple of weeks, we’re not sure what will happen with support payments. 

2. A: The schedule that A has been sticking to is 10 days with me, 4 days with asshat. Baseball will start for him today. He’s looking forward to it, which makes me happy. A will be wrapping up his Jr year in a few days and will officially be a senior. Unbelievable.

We’re still college hunting. We (husband and I) had a talk with A on Sunday about it. The previous Wednesday A texted me out of the blue and said he wanted to do Early Decision at the University of Miami. I have no idea where that came from. After our talk on Sunday, it became clear. Asshat has an opinion. The school A had chosen as his first choice, Coastal Carolina in South Carolina, was now a “terrible idea”. Thats what his father told him. A terrible idea. Asshat has never been to SC, he’s never attended coastal carolina, and its more than likely he’s never even MET anyone who went there. Asshat’s idea for A is that he should apply to Texas A&M, Harvard and California Polytech. Asshat believes that it is very important that A be attempting to attend a “nationally ranked school”. He told A that a nationally ranked school has more actual professors and not as many regular teachers. It is very clear to me that asshat is putting as much effort into research about A’s secondary education as he did his own. A isn’t even close to being considered for acceptance to any of those schools. He is a B and sometimes C, sometimes A student. He’ll only have 3 years of high school science. He does not have a job. He does not volunteer. He is not a qualified candidate for these schools. I hate to say it, but he’s just not. Asshat told him that if he graduates from Harvard that he’ll make 50k a year to start. I guess asshat knows this because he also graduated from harvard and now makes 50k a year? or knows someone who has? No, and No. A’s other school choice was West Virginia University. Asshat told him that this was also a terrible idea. There was also mention that asshat told A that he gets an extra 5k for claiming him on his taxes, and thats good because he only make 25k a year compared to my 90k a year. That guy is on crack. He makes more money than I do, which is why HE pays ME support! Sometimes I wish I could live in such delusion. 

I told A that we would help him with application costs for up to 5 schools, but we would like them to be schools that he actually could be accepted at, even if its a long shot, and that they be schools he actually would want to attend. He doesn’t want to live in New England. He wants the weather to be warm. He wants the school to have a decent football team. He wants to be within a few hours of the coast. And he’d like to major in business. I’ve asked A to look at Virginia Tech. He said he’d look into it. 

3. D: His birthday is on Thursday. He’ll be 14. I have no idea how that happened. We had an appointment with is primary doctor last week. He’s 120 lbs and 5 foot 7 inches tall. Again, I don’t know how that happened. For his birthday we’re going to take him to the Boston Comic Con in August. He wants to go as a ringwraith. If anyone has any ideas about how to make a ringwraith costume, please let me know! 

There is a computer camp for a week in July that D is excited about. He’s never done anything like this before. Its nice to see him get excited about going out into the world and trying new stuff. He’ll be starting high school in the fall. He now has glasses in addition to braces, and he could not be happier about it. He’s continuing to dive on Saturday mornings. He’s recently asked that we not go and watch. He believes he does better when we’re not there. Husband said this was the same thing he felt like when he was 13 and played baseball. 

4. Meanwhile, I still hate my job. So. Much. We’ve tossed around the idea of just packing up and moving to VA or NC or FL. D is on board with that idea, but he’ll likely be singing a different song after his first year of high school, since we couldn’t go until after A was graduated. I guess we’ll see how things look in a year or so. The job market is not good here (slightly worse than other places) so even though I look for other opportunities, there really isn’t much available….which tends to just add to the ongoing frustration. 

Husband and I will be celebrating our 3rd wedding anniversary in 10 days. I can’t believe its only been 3 years. It feels like a lot longer…but in a good way!

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03 Feb 2014

he’s got it under control.

I took A to the old house to drop him off. We talked about him coming to my house every day after school to wait for dad to pick him up, rather than having to ride the bus all the way out to the old house, then walking the mile up the private road. He thought that was a good idea. 

A said that dad’s plan is to live in the old house until he can get it fixed up enough to be able to rent it. A didn’t know what that meant or how long that may take. I am wondering how on earth he’s going to pay for all these repairs and fixing stuff up…

I saw this ad on craigslist this morning with the old house’s address listed: 

3 bdrm / 2 bath 1000 – negotiable

“Cape style home situated on 2 1/2 acres in Eddington, Maine. Home has full basement with washer / dryer and a chest style freezer. About 1500 square feet not including basement. Pets are determined on a case by case basis and will require a deposit. Utilities not included – heat and electricity. First, last and security. Rent is negotiable and I will work with the right people to find something that works for both of us.”

So. He’s not really worried about it getting fixed up I guess? The best I can gather, the master plan is to get some schmuck to pay him first, last, and security – totaling $3000.00. And with that money, he and my son will then move OUT of that house and into a DIFFERENT place all together? I guess whoever said that kids need stability was just full of shit.
Plus, in speaking with REAL landlords, like the people I rent from, it’s pretty impossible to find renters who have that kind of money to be able to part with at once. Most places we looked at wanted first and security…because they wanted people to actually rent the place. But, I’m sure Asshat knows just what he’s doing. 

In court my lawyer asked him about buying clothes for D rather than expecting D to bring clothes from my house. Asshat’s response was “That’s what I learned from the For Kid’s Sake program, (the mandated parenting class we both had to take) that clothes are a big issue for a lot of parents.”
That is what he learned from a 4 hour parenting class about how to parent your children when you are divorced. I’m sure he’s got everything under control. 

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31 Jan 2014
3 Comments

Bullshit is his air.

We are all fine. Everyone is really doing ok. 

I found out about the HELOC this week – which really pissed me off – but really….whatever. Maybe, if he’ll just hurry up and default, I might be able to make a case to the credit reporting agencies to get that ‘charge off’ taken off of my report, since, you know, ITS NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY! We’ll see. 

The claiming the kids on his taxes issue – again – really pissed me off. This creates more work for me. I really have enough to do. I met with an accountant this morning who advised me about how to best proceed with my return and supporting paperwork. Husband and I will visit our local IRS office this afternoon. 

See? We’re all doing just fine. 

In other news, I picked up A yesterday and he informed me that if everything goes according to dad’s plan, dad is moving back to the old house. This weekend. Its like bullshit is his air. He can’t live without it.  

Apparently his renters bailed on him. Who knows whats true and what isn’t – certainly not me. I emailed my lawyer about it this morning to get her take on things. We still haven’t received our order. Things are still up in the air.

A says he’s considering staying with me during the week because he doesn’t want to walk the mile up and the mile down the private dirt road the old house is on. He doesn’t want to take the bus all the way in every morning and back every night. He also won’t be able to stay for weight lifting with the football team after school since there is no late bus. He thought he might go to dad’s on the weekends, but then realized that would prevent him from being able to hang out with his friends on the weekends. A said he hadn’t talked to dad about any of this yet, and wasn’t sure what he wanted to do yet. 

All I could think was, well thank goodness I spent 5k on a lawyer to make a solid schedule! (Insert eye roll here)

So, the immediate issue is, A says that when I drop him off at dad’s this Sunday, it will be at the old house. That’s a long drive – and not what we agreed to. But then – so what? Asshat doesn’t care about what we agreed to. Asshat doesn’t care that A doesn’t want to spend half his time out in the middle of the woods with no cell phone service. Asshat cares about Asshat, and nothing more. 

 

 

 

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06 Mar 2013
10 Comments

How did I become the devil?

How did I become the devil in his eyes?  For 13 years I worked so hard to be a good wife. I tried so hard to be someone he would love. I wanted to be a person he would want to be with, to parent with. I did everything he told me to do. I did everything for him. I gave of myself in ways that no person should have to give. I thought I was doing the right things. 

Being married, he thought meant, I promised to be his wife no matter what. No matter what level of abuse or neglect. No matter how worthless or ashamed he’d make me feel. I had an obligation to remain his wife. Because I didn’t see it that way, because I thought not being married to him anymore might lead to more happiness for me, this makes me untrustworthy. He tells me he can’t trust me. That I don’t keep my word. That I break agreements.

At first, I agreed to not ask for child support while he was in school. This was based on the conversation we’d had about him keeping my rent at 865 (though the lease stated 890) and with him getting a job as soon as he could to help pay for kids expenses. He raised my rent to 1200, then down to 890. He never paid a dime of support. When he took A and refused to return him and I wanted things modified, only to make things clearer, I decided to also asked for support because, well, he should be helping, just like he said he would…but this turned into me not keeping our agreement. 

Things at the house needed repair. He’d deny that anything was wrong. He announced tasks that I was to complete (power wash the siding) that made no sense. He laughed when A talked about being angry and punching holes in the walls “try not to do too much damage bud!” he said. After serving 32 months of a 36 month lease, I quit. I left. I moved out. I can’t keep my word. 

While we were married, any time I’d vocalize my frustration about the kids, it was met with remedies from him as to how I could be a better parent. Any time I’d vocalize my frustrations with him, it was met with remedies about how more sex would lead to a better marriage. I was also told that my expectations were far too high. No marriage was perfect, and clearly that’s what I wanted. Perfection. 

I used to dread coming home. I used to dread the time after dinner. He wanted attention. All of it, all of the time. He thought giving me a hug after a hard day meant sex later. He thought putting dishes in the dish washer, or screaming at and spanking the kids into pajama submission meant he was doing his part. He thought spending money on painting one kid’s room 2 weeks before Christmas when we still had no way to pay for the rest of the presents was a fine idea. He, more than a few times, forgot the kids at daycare, then refused to go get them. The daycare he drove by to get home every night. He thought telling me that we were all moving to South Dakota so he could go to law school was enough. He didn’t think it deserved a conversation. Any question, concern or hesitation I had was me being unsupportive. 

He never knew me. I know that. He never loved me. I know that too. But I don’t understand how you make the leap from being happy in a marriage (which he swears he was) to wanting someone dead. After I moved out last week, he posted on his Facebook about how terrible being a landlord is. Then he posted this: Someone is alive today because I don’t want to go to prison. 

I can’t believe how insane and twisted his thinking has become. Was it always that way? Did he hide it better then? Did I just not see it before? He’s scary. He’s unstable and unpredictable. He is the type to rage uncontrollably and do something dangerous…More than once during this moving process, from the time I told him we were moving to the time we were actually moved, I worried that he’d come and burn the house down with us all in it. I don’t think my fear is unfounded. I don’t understand how he could have fallen so far down the crazy hole. Was he always just standing on the edge of it? 

It just reminds me that no matter how good things might have seemed, all those fleeting moments I’d hold onto, thinking “I guess its not so bad” were just him trying to make me stay. Trying to make me unsure about how crappy it all really was. But now, standing in this empty, sad, tiny kitchen…its crappy. It was always crappy. This house was for him to say he had a house. It wasn’t a place to raise happy, healthy kids. It wasn’t a place for holiday celebrations or extended family dinners. It was just a thing. A possession. Just like me. Just like the boys. 

Posted in abuse, crazy making, Divorce, parenting and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
05 Mar 2013
4 Comments

We’ve moved!

We have officially moved! 

My ex is no longer my landlord. The only capacity I need to deal with him now is as the father of my children. 

I can’t tell you all how relieved I am. I’ve slept like a rock for the past 3 nights.

We rented A’s teenage friend to help us with our move on Saturday. Between those two and D and me and Husband, we knocked out all the heavy stuff in just a few hours, and everyone was rewarded with Subway. On Sunday, Husband and I got groceries, ran errands and went back to the house that my children and I had lived in for the last 11 years, cleaned it from top to bottom and took every last thing that was ours. Done. Finally. Keys on the sideboard. 200+ pictures taken. Didn’t even look back. Good riddance.

That house was just a “thing” to X. It was never a home for us. It was just a place for him to keep his wife and kids. A thing he could tell people he had “I bought a house.” It was in constant disrepair. Mold. That I cleaned weekly. Holes in the walls. That I repaired every 6 months. The front door leaked at the bottom. I caulked it, every year or so. No carpet, only subfloor. I ripped it up in the kids rooms in 2006 or so because A suddenly developed asthma (and by ‘suddenly’ I mean I’m sure he’d had it for a very long time because of his under developed lungs when he was born and his father’s refusal to smoke OUTSIDE for his entire childhood, it was only then that his symptoms started to be a big issue) Removing the carpet helped, a lot. But, X never replaced it. Then he left for South Dakota. As the “tenant” I wasn’t allowed to make ‘improvements’. The outside stairs fell apart. He had someone come and patch them together. He emailed me and told me it was my job to powerwash the mold off the side of the house. I didn’t. Its not in the lease. Siding started to fall off. I told him. “It was fine when I left.” he said. The fridge stopped working. It’d get warm, needed to be unplugged and defrosted every 10 days or so. I told him. “It was fine when I left.” he said. The dryer stopped working. I told him. “It worked when I left.” he said. We made due. We bought our own dryer. We lived out of a cooler every 10 days.The mold growing in our bedroom, bathroom and kids bathroom, I cleaned it as often as I could. It was there before he left. He was aware of it. He’ll say he had no idea. I’m sure. And of course, on Sunday he thought he’d get some sympathy from the Facebook world by posting about how difficult it is being a landlord. 

D broke a window. We’ll pay for that. I’m not going to pay for anything else. He’ll send me a bill. I’m sure of it. He told A he was going to sue me. Ok. Whatever. Do whatever you want. I don’t pay you rent anymore. You have no more say about where I live or who I live with. You can’t control me anymore. Money is just money. He wants mine because money is everything to him. It makes him feel powerful. It makes him feel like he has control. Over me. That is what he wants. But he can’t have that now. Not unless he takes me to court. Not unless a judge says I have to. And by then, I’m hoping to have a nice stash of child support saved up, he can have that. Asshole. 

Not only have we moved, we also have a new driver in the house. A passed his permit test last Friday. After a day of moving and packing stuff, Husband was going to call in a pizza order for us to pick up and I was going to driver’s ed to get A. Husband said “let me know, as soon as you know something!” A came out of drivers ed and motioned for me to get out of the drivers seat. He said the instructor told him he’d gotten the highest grade in the class with a 96. I texted Husband to let him know and A drove to the pizza place.

Once inside I gave them my name and the girl found our receipt and pizza and handed it to the counter person. The man looked at the receipt and then at me and said “Is A with you?”
A said “yeah….?” 
The counter guy said, “A, Congratulations on passing your permit test! Awesome job! Anything you want to drink out of the cooler, go ahead and grab it, its on the house!”
A said “Cool, thanks!”, grabbed a Mt Dew and we left. 
“How did he know that?” he asked me in the car. I said “Husband wanted to know how you did, and he called in the order, so I guess it was him.” A was smiling. 

Magically, it was dark and the snow was starting to come down pretty hard, but A was insistent that he wanted to drive home. So he did. It took us a while to get there, but he did a good job and was safe. I was very proud of him. 

The last we’d heard from his dad was “good luck on that test of yours” 3 days before the test. Then on the Sunday after the test this was part of the conversation:

Dad

Any idea where the keys to the house might be?

A

I have no idea

Dad

can you pass along that unless she wants the added bonus of me taking on the cost of lock replacement when I sue she might want to let me know where they are…

thanks bud

hope your all squared away 

A

She says sidebord

Dad

so she left the place unlocked huh, hope nothing happens before I can get there…

Are you all moved out?

A

Ya

And a permited driver \m/

Dad

sweet:)

just be careful bud

is there a new number to call for D?

A

Not yet

Dad

k

hey bud have you ever done fantasy baseball?

A

I havnt before but I probably would

Dad

k

that does not help me right now lol

A

Haha

Dad

yeah, this is way more complex than football

A

Lol I know

 

Seriously? He might as well just have typed the words: “I am a useless individual. I am a terrible parent. I don’t care about you, your life, or your brother. I don’t understand boundaries. I can’t be bothered.” 

Mediation on Thursday. I’m sure he’ll try to bring up the lease. The house. The millions of dollars he thinks I owe him. Too bad I didn’t request to discuss all that in my motion to modify. Oh well! 

Posted in growing up, kids, parenting, reality and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,
22 Feb 2013
3 Comments

Trying to coparent with a dummy

Things have been CRAZY! Where to start….lets see. X is the landlord, and he is also the children’s father. When we found out we were moving, I needed to give him notice regarding moving the kids, and also as tenants leaving a lease early. Neither of which I was looking forward to. Here is what happened when I gave him notice about moving the kids. I’ll do another blog post about the landlord / tenant end of this whole situation. 

My divorce states that I need to give X 30 days notice, if possible, if I intend to move the kids. So, I gave him notice.

From: Me
Sent: Friday, February 15, 2013 8:37 PM
To: Dummy
Subject: FYI

X,
I wanted to let you know that we will be moving to New School District in March. As far as the divorce states I am to give you 30 days notice of my intent to move the kids.  You will receive a formal letter in the mail regarding our intent to vacate the house at _____________.
Thanks,
Stacey

I knew it wasn’t going to be that simple, and I was right. 

 
From: Dummy
To: Me
Sent: Sunday, February 17, 2013 2:51 PM
Subject: RE: FYI

For the record, you did not notify me nor attempt to discuss with me the relocation of the children to a new town nor did you notify me nor attempt to discuss with me the withdrawal of D from School A and his subsequent placement in the School B system.  A direct violation of the divorce decree as we have shared custody.  Expect an additional motion for contempt to be filled after your move.

 

Ok seriously? A. we do not have shared custody. We have shared decision making about certain things. Education being one of them. And B. I’ve researched what it takes to file contempt charges…you’re an idiot to think you can scare me with this shit. C. Look at the email I originally sent you, there you will find the NOTICE and the ATTEMPT TO DISUCSS with you D being moved from school A to school B. 

 

From: Me
Sent: Sunday, February 17, 2013 2:32 PM
To: Dummy
Subject: Re: FYI

X,
If you have concerns about D switching schools, feel free to discuss them with me.  Our email below is the 30-day “notification” about the relocation, as our divorce decree states I need to do.
Thanks,
Stacey

 

Seems clear, right? Apparently not. 

 

From: Dummy
To: Me
Sent: Sunday, February 17, 2013 7:16 PM
Subject: RE: FYI

I have concerns, but a discussion with you after the fact that you have already made your decision and informed the children makes what I think moot.  Court may be the best place to discuss actions that have already transpired.  And once again I still do not have the specific date you intend to vacate the house in breach of the lease.

 

Ok so, you want to holler at me for my refusal to parent, but as you can see, I’m parenting, and he’s refusing…anyone else confused yet? 

 

From: Me
Sent: Sunday, February 17, 2013 6:47 PM
To: Dummy
Subject: Re: FYI

X,
I just want to clarify, you have concerns and you choose not to discuss them with me? Now is the time to have an open and civil discussion as far as the concerns you may have.  As far as what’s best for the children and their schooling, it’s a work in progress, and no action has been taken as of yet. As always, this will be a decision based on what is in the best interest of the children.
Thanks,
Stacey

 

Are you ready for it…..? Here comes the crazy!! 

 

From: Dummy
To: Me
Sent: Sunday, February 17, 2013 9:33 PM
Subject: RE: FYI

So that I am clear and that you understand – I am not interested in playing your games and allowing you to put me in the position of bad guy after you have already informed the children of your decision.  What purpose would a discussion at this point have but to affect my relationship with them in a detrimental fashion by casting me as the bad guy by questioning what they have been led to believe is going to be in their best interests.  I don’t for a minute believe that you would not have attempted to spin this in a manner that would preclude any disagreement from them so as to obtain a path of least resistance.  And now what, I am going to give you my concerns and allow you to use that as a wedge to say “Oh look, your Dad doesn’t think this is such a good idea.”  A discussion with me would have been appropriate prior to you doing that, but as is evident – they already know this.  And also for the record – School is not a work in progress, ever.  It is sound decisions made in the BEST INTERESTS OF THE CHILDREN, and not your own – ALWAYS.  I really have to question whether you considered them in any of this, rather as always I am sure it is more of a convenience issue than anything else – hence the medication over actual therapy.  See that is the real problem here isn’t it.  Your decisions are cloaked in “best interests of the children” because it is a nice little phrase to make you feel better about your choices, when in reality you have given very little thought to the possible repercussions to them.  I take comfort in the fact that at least when they were with me my decisions were always based on them, regardless of whether or not you were able to comprehend/contemplate it or not.  But yeah for the record I will take your bait because at least one of us needs to do what’s right by them.

1.  Switching school in the middle of the year is not in the best interests of D, it may be in yours but not his and there is a clear history of statistics to show this.  2.  Given his current academic performance the whole “new place and a chance to start all over fresh” is not what he needs, rather he could use a bit more parental attention at home in regards to homework and a whole lot less computer time.  This is doing nothing more than teaching him to run away from his problems and quit when the going gets tough.  3.  Manipulation of the situation on your part in terms of bolstering the positives of the switch without really addressing the likely consequences does not mean he is in any way competent to give consent; not allowing me the opportunity to discuss with him the switch before a decision was made simply puts anything I might add in response to a switch in a most likely negative light which is not conducive to fostering and promoting positive problem solving skills in him affording him an opportunity to value my input.  4.  It is apparent that you have not really investigated the School B educational situation, nor taken the time to truly reflect on the different standards in place nor the climate that you are thrusting upon him – as a parent that should have been your primary concern rather than just finding a home to move to at his age. 5.  Moving to School B District relinquishes his opportunity for any alternative choice of high school – which based on conversations with him he does not seem to be clear on nor sold on.  6.  Floating him into a new school setting so late in the year where they will not be able to fully evaluate him based on their standards has the potential for simply passing him to the next level regardless of his overall performance capabilities which if they are sub par, lets say like they were a couple years ago, continues to set him up for future failure on a much larger scale.  7.  Socially and educationally speaking I find it quite unnerving that you feel he will adjust so quickly to School B, a much larger system with considerably less room for personalized attention than he has received at School A especially given his track record with similar things.  8.  You really think that a child that has regressed to be overtly introverted to the extent he has over the last few years is going to prosper in School B?  Are you for real?  

Anyone of these factors alone, and there are more if you took the time to actually think about it, should be enough to seriously rethink your actions… if it was about the children.  There is a reason that your friend Crystal busted her ass to avoid this scenario so feel free to get input from her.  Heck feel free to ask that girl down south who is a teacher.  I suspect you avoided those conversations because they would have provided you with the same common sense rational input as well.  But alas, it doesn’t matter what I say because you plan on doing what ever is in YOUR best interests and not theirs.  You know, and this really goes to the heart of the matter, if you only made your decisions with them first and foremost in mind I wouldn’t have a problem with anything you do regarding them.  But you haven’t, and you continue to drop the ball in so many major ways.  It is disgusting and utterly sad all at once.  I guess the biggest difference I see in you compared to most of the other mothers out there, and frankly in retrospect this has always been the case with you, is that you just have no desire to put them above yourself.  It is always about what you want and what you need.  It is with profound disappointment that I look at how they are being raised and what you have done to them.  I seriously don’t know whether to continue to be super pissed off at your choices or just cry for them at what you have done and continue to do.

Feel free to have that open moment of disgust so that your new husband can see it, but when you are in that quiet moment all on your own and don’t have to fake it, you know what I say is the truth.  That is if you even bother to.

 

I felt like I was sprayed with projection slime after reading this. I’m not a bad person, a bad mom…I’m not even a bad ex wife!
I slept on it and responded the next day. I took out all the other BS, I took just his base concern and addressed it. 

 

From: Me
To: Dummy
Sent: Monday, February 18, 2013 9:15 AM
Subject: Re: FYI

X,
Thank you for sharing your concerns regarding D changing schools. 
 
1.  Switching school in the middle of the year is not in the best interests of D, it may be in yours but not his and there is a clear history of statistics to show this.  
 
Once vacation is over we will be contacting both the School B, and the School A teachers to speak with them regarding this type of transition with three months left in the school year. As educators, I’m sure that this is not an atypical situation and they will be able to make recommendations based on what will be best for D. 
 
2.  Given his current academic performance the whole “new place and a chance to start all over fresh” is not what he needs, rather he could use a bit more parental attention at home in regards to homework and a whole lot less computer time.  This is doing nothing more than teaching him to run away from his problems and quit when the going gets tough.  
 
D spends one hour per evening on his computer during the school week. I am in daily contact with all of his teachers regarding homework assignments. Completing school work and homework will still be a requirement for D. That is not something he will be able to escape. 
 
3.  Manipulation of the situation on your part in terms of bolstering the positives of the switch without really addressing the likely consequences does not mean he is in any way competent to give consent; not allowing me the opportunity to discuss with him the switch before a decision was made simply puts anything I might add in response to a switch in a most likely negative light which is not conducive to fostering and promoting positive problem solving skills in him affording him an opportunity to value my input.  
 
If at anytime you would like to speak with D, you are allowed to do so. 
 
4.  It is apparent that you have not really investigated the School B educational situation, nor taken the time to truly reflect on the different standards in place nor the climate that you are thrusting upon him – as a parent that should have been your primary concern rather than just finding a home to move to at his age. 
 
Once vacation is over we will be contacting both the School B, and the School A teachers to speak with them regarding this type of transition with three months left in the school year. As educators, I’m sure that this is not an atypical situation and they will be able to make recommendations based on what will be best for D. 
 
5.  Moving to School B district relinquishes his opportunity for any alternative choice of high school – which based on conversations with him he does not seem to be clear on nor sold on.  
 
D understands that this will end his opportunity to be able to have a choice of high school, but the reality is with his grades and educational performance at School A, its unlikely that anything other than School System B would be an option for him. This has already been discussed with School A. 
 
6.  Floating him into a new school setting so late in the year where they will not be able to fully evaluate him based on their standards has the potential for simply passing him to the next level regardless of his overall performance capabilities which if they are sub par, lets say like they were a couple years ago, continues to set him up for future failure on a much larger scale.
 
As far as your concern regarding School B simply passing him because they are unable to evaluate him, you should know that I was told by Mr. M that School A will pass D, regardless of his grades. Once students reach middle school, they will not keep kids back. 
  
7.  Socially and educationally speaking I find it quite unnerving that you feel he will adjust so quickly to School B, a much larger system with considerably less room for personalized attention than he has received at School A especially given his track record with similar things.  
 
I believe that a persons attitude toward a transition is a big factor in a successful adjustment. D has a very positive attitude towards this transition. 
 
8.  You really think that a child that has regressed to be overtly introverted to the extent he has over the last few years is going to prosper in School B?  
 
I’m unclear as to how you’ve made the determination that D is overtly introverted. That is not our experience with him.
 
Thanks,
Stacey
 
He never responded to this. Of course. 
This whole exchange this weekend was exhausting. But, I’ve done my part. He, in a hateful, manipulative and awful way, voiced his concerns and I was able to be a level headed, clear and responsible parent and address them. 
Can I be done now? Can he just leave? Can he just maybe fall off the face of the earth and leave me alone now? Please? 
 
Posted in abuse, child support, co-parenting, crazy making, Divorce, kids, parenting, reality, worry and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
15 Feb 2013
1 Comment

Moving

I’m waiting for A’s drivers ed class to end. Husband and I found out this afternoon that our application has been accepted. we are finally going to move.
I am beyond relieved, however, am finding myself stressed at the overwhelming reality of WE’RE ACTUALLY MOVING!
I’ll update more when I have time. 🙂

Posted in co-parenting, Divorce, kids, parenting, reality and tagged , , , ,
01 Feb 2013
5 Comments

A list

I woke up feeling very overwhelmed this morning. Here is a list of shit going on – I think is see why I might be feeling a bit crazy. 

Driver’s Ed

A has finally decided he wants to take drivers ed. Less than a week’s notice. I now need to come up with 430.00 to pay for this. I also have to work my schedule to be able to pick him up in town at 5:30 three nights a week. 

Scheduling to see Grammy

My mom has asked to see the kids over Feb vacation. She now lives 4 hours away, and will come up and get the kids, have them spend 2-3 days with her, then bring them home. This is awesome. The kids said they would like to go. But now, to figure out how to schedule it. A’s driver’s ed during that week is T, W and Th. 

Seeing dad

A wants to see his dad this weekend. The email he sent me said “pick up A Friday drop off Sunday.” It doesn’t tell me when or where. I’ve emailed him twice asking for where and when. I’ve gotten nothing. I’m sick of him. 

Haircuts

Both kids and husband are in desperate need of haircuts. I don’t have an extra 60.00. I’ll need to find it though. If A sees his dad this weekend, maybe HE can figure it out…lol, yeah right. 

Movie

D wants to go to the movies. He’s been asking since before Christmas to see the new Hobbit movie, or Les Miserables. Money. Time. Ugh! 

Diving

D is back at diving classes every Saturday morning. He likes it when he’s there, but the going to bed at a reasonable time on Fridays and getting up early Saturday makes him such a treat to deal with. Also, he wants to quit band. 

Homework

We continue to have issues with D bringing him homework home. The new plan that came from the 504 meeting was for him to have a plain notebook that each day he’d write the date on the top of the page, and write the homework for each class, then the teacher needs to sign off on it, indicating he has the assignment correct. In the last two weeks, this has happened exactly 2 times. 

Dr appt

D has a dr and dentist appt on Tuesday. I don’t know how and when A will be getting picked up from school that day. We have a gap in time between the two, hoping to get D an early supper before his dentist appt. I have no idea if that will actually work out or not. 

Valentines Day

Husband and I have made a reservation at a fancy schmancy B&B for a late Valentines Day trip. http://www.hartstoneinn.com/
Looks awesome, right? Well, cooking with alcohol is an issue for husband, as he doesn’t consume alcohol. In any capacity. Ever. He’s going to email them and see if there is something they can do. 

Cat

The cat continues to be an asshole. We are thinking about moving…I don’t know what to do about the cat. Do we get him fixed and try to keep him as an indoor cat? Do we give him to the shelter? Do we just leave him for the Ex to deal with? Will he EVER use the litter box again!?

Moving

As I mentioned, we are wanting to move. We have looked at three places so far. None of them are right. The first two just didn’t have enough space. The third was an old building, but it looked like their idea of “fixing it up” was putting shitty industrial carpet over ALL the floors, which is fine, except why the kitchen? Bathroom? Really? And the entire first floor felt like they’d put that carpet over existing carpet….yeah for the kid with asthma, I’m sure this wouldn’t cause ANY issues! 

Court

We have court on the 7th this month. I am dreading this. I’m sick of worrying about it, especially when I know there is nothing to actually be worrying about. Blah. 

Tax refund

The IRS says the have received and accepted my tax return. It has not been processed yet. I don’t know if there was going to be an issues with Dummy trying to claim the kids as well, when in this process it would show up. I’m anxious to just get the refund and move on with our lives…especially since we owe most of that federal refund to our state tax debt. Awesome. 

Resume

The exact same job I do right now is open at a different company. A REAL company. A company with offices and benefits and actual time off. I need to make a resume. Or fix the one I have. And I don’t interview well, at least I don’t feel like I do. I have trouble “selling myself”. I have trouble sugar coating things. 

Birth Certificate

The kid’s birth certificates are the bane of my existence. I don’t know why having an original, raised seal birth certificate is so damn difficult to have, keep, and know where the hell it is. A needs his for driver’s ed. I know I have one somewhere. They both needed one to start school. A needed one for the All Star league for baseball. Any idea where either of them are? No. Not a clue. So, to save myself 15.00 dollars and a trip to city hall, I’ll tear the house apart looking for it this weekend. I was going to do it last night, but the power was out until after 7pm. 

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
18 Dec 2012
3 Comments

Undoing all my hard work.

I know there are a few of you in this same position. We found out yesterday that the ex has now missed TWO payments on the Home Equity loan, and the mortgage lady told me that this has basically undone all the good I’d worked the last year on establishing with my score.

This is beyond frustrating.

I wanted to be able to buy my kids a house to live in. A house that is OURS. Now we are apartment hunting. If I’m going to be paying rent, I’d rather pay it to a stranger than to an asshole ex husband.

I haven’t told the kids yet about this. D has been adamant that he does NOT want to live in an apartment. He’ll also have to change schools. I am so worried about this. We will also, likely, have to find new homes for our two dogs. Though, we will hopefully find something that will allow us to keep at least one of them.

I am sad that I am unable to provide the kind of living situation my kids deserve. I know its not my fault. I know that I do everything I can to make life ok for them. I know that their father is the reason for all of this (though he would argue that if i’d not divorced him, we’d likely be living in a mansion right now!) but it doesn’t make it any less frustrating and sad.

Christmas is next week. Hopefully, I can let this go enough to be able to focus on having a lovely holiday with my boys – there will be time afterwards to worry about transitions and how it will all shake out.

 

Posted in abuse, co-parenting, crazy making, kids, parenting and tagged , , , , ,
16 Jan 2010

Law school dream

I continued to be miserable in my marriage. Things were NOT better as I’d hoped. I was certain, with everything that I was, I wasn’t going to be able to be happy. No amount of trying to ignore things, was going to work. It just wasn’t. I needed to get out of this. I didnt want to spend the rest of my life married to a 400 pound man who blamed everything on everyone else, who didnt love me or his children as anything other than part of his facade.

Then he decided he wanted to go to law school. There was a school in our city that was considering offering law degrees. We followed the progress of their attempts to see if he needed to start taking LSAT prep tests. He decided he did. Even if that school didnt offer that degree, he said, we could always move to the southern part of the state, and he could go to school down there.

I saw an opportunity for change. I was excited. Minimally, if he were to be a law student, he would be busy, out of the house, out of our daily lives for a majority of the time. The kids and I, we’d have room to breathe. We’d have room in our own space to not be walking on eggshells all of the time.

The prep tests, then the actual tests came – at $150.00 a piece. He took it three times. He never scored better than his original test. He decided to apply to 3 schools, at $100 per application, then 2 more…He was accepted to a school in Massachusetts and one in South Dakota. He was put on a wait list for the school in Maine. We then found out that the school in our city was NOT going to be offering a law degree.

One would assume the dream of being a lawyer would need to be put on hold until he could manage to get accepted to Maine. But no. He decided we’d all move to South Dakota. There was no discussion. He said “This is where the school is, this is what the city is like. The kids will like it, they have a good school system.”

I said no. I wasnt moving across the country with no job, and two kids to put him through law school. What would we do with the house? Where would we live? The economy is terrible, how am I going to find a job? “Oh it will be fine” He’d say.

I told him he should go first, do his first year, and then see if he could transfer to Maine. If he couldnt, then we would consider moving. He decided that would be fine. I decided we needed to get a divorce. The kids and I were clearly not a priority for him. At all.

Posted in abuse, Divorce, Uncategorized and tagged , , | Leave a comment

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