Monday Revelation
I spent a long time being exhausted. They say that when you’re made to feel crazy all of the time, it causes your brain to work over time, making you, well…exhausted.
Anyway, I found a site yesterday that included a very long list of common things people who are involved with someone like my ex might hear from them, and then below it, what it really means. 40% of that list I’d heard word for word. Another 30% I’d heard some variation of.
It felt weird to have so many of the crazy things I’d heard at one time or another – over the course of a decade, all in one place. These aren’t the kinds of things I’d necessarily remember hearing, as it happened everyday, every conversation, all the time….I do, however, remember being shoved to the ground, I do remember being choked until I passed out during sex a number of times, I do remember being raped….but for some reason, I was able to, like many women, justify this. It was a one time thing, he thought I was into it, he didn’t know better… However, this massive list of things he’d say simply to keep me off balance, to keep me feeling nuts, to stay in control, good lord, this was ABUSE. For all those years, he managed to control me and my kids by making us feel guilty and crazy and unsure. Meanwhile, I’d try harder, I’d be nicer, I’d try to pay less attention to his temper tantrums and outbursts. I made excuses, I thought there was something wrong with me, I became whatever he wanted in any given moment, just to keep the peace….A just to feel like I was good enough. Turns out, there’s no such thing.
Over the last two years, I’ve become aware that I was in an abusive relationship. But I sitting here reading this list yesterday, I really started grasping that I WAS ABUSED. Well, now, that’s quite a revelation for a Monday.
I’m understanding just how text book it was. It wasn’t special. I’ve realized that for all my trying, all my effort, all my wanting to be a good wife, to create a happy, stable, safe family – THAT is what he fed off of. That is where his control came from. I didn’t do anything wrong. And most importantly, I couldn’t have done anything to change it other than to leave.
So now what?
Side note, this song is playing on my pandora as I’m getting ready to send this along to the internet
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IPZuYwYxnL4
Looking Forward 