Dad rages.
Early my marriage to Husband, Husband lost his temper. D was slamming doors over and over and having a fit in his room. I was ignoring it and trying to talk to A about homework. Husband snapped and went down the hall and hollered at D “STOP BANGING THE DOOR!!” I took Husband upstairs to tell him that was NOT ok, that as long as D’s fit is in his room, we need to just let him do it…he’s not going to listen to hollering or threats about early bed times. While we were talking my cell phone rang, it was D calling from the home phone, he was crying and upset. He told me that he was scared, and Husband hollering reminded him of when dad was here. I relayed this information to Husband and he started to cry. He felt SO badly. We went downstairs to find D, after looking all over the house, we found him hiding under the bathroom sink. Once I convinced him to come out of the bathroom, Husband and he had a talk. Husband apologized. They shook hands. D came to me later and said that Husband had told him that real men apologize when they make a mistake.
The way to work with D is in small increments. I might want to know EVERYTHING that happened during his visit with dad, but he’s not going to sit down and recap the entire adventure. I let him talk and recount what he’d like to share without any prompting. I ask questions about things that strike me as odd, like enough empty beer bottles laying around to make a 12 year old take notice. “Dad didn’t drink while you guys were there, did he?” D said, “No. Wouldn’t that be illegal?”
D kept saying he’d feel so bad, awful, horrible, if he had to tell dad he didn’t want to come visit the next day. “Dad is expecting me to come there and I don’t want to. But I can’t tell him. Can you just tell him that something has come up? He’s going to be really upset if I don’t come visit.”
I told him he didn’t have to tell dad anything. I’ll talk to him instead.
When I told X that D did not want to come visit the next day – that he would tell me when he wanted to come again, and I’d coordinate with X, X’s response was: “I am documenting the fact that once D has returned to you after a visit in which he proclaimed his desire to visit with me this evening, he suddenly has changed his mind about visiting with me tonight just like he did last evening only after you spoke to him – and that you do not plan on encouraging him to visit with me but instead have left the so called “decision” up to him. By the same rationale as you are invoking here, does your actions regarding visitation with D mean that it will be fine if A decides he does not want to return to visit with you I am free to allow him to stay here until he changes his mind?”
When I got home last night I talked to D and asked him, “So, what is it about your time with dad this weekend made you feel like you couldn’t tell him that you didn’t want to spend the night?”
“Dad rages.”
“Oh. I see. Yeah, I think that would make me pretty uncomfortable too.”
I wondered where he learned that word.
Then this morning I asked if dad did anything specific that made D say he rages, or if its just that D can tell there’s something not quite right. D said, he can just tell, and that dad hollers a lot, over little stuff mostly.
I told him I understood, and left it at that.
Looking Forward 