Looking Forward

Making a better life for me and my kids

Archive for the tag “ex”

18 Jun 2013
8 Comments

In a relationship

Facebook says X is “in a relationship” now. Her name is Nicole. She is divorced. She was married to my boss’s nephew. She has a daughter. She is apparently not bothered by X weighing over 300lbs. Or that he is unemployed. Or that he doesn’t pay child support. Or that he lives someone’s basement without enough room to house both of his children at the same time. 

She’s been warned by my boss about X. She was told about the time X came to my office screaming at me in front of everyone about what a whore I am. She’s been told about the lack of child support I receive and the lack of phone calls for birthdays, Christmas’s and the like. She won’t listen, because his “Friends” back up his story about how I’M the bad parent. How he is the victim. How I cheated on him with 100 men during the 13 years we were married. How I lined up a new life with my new husband for years before I ever asked for a divorce. How I’ve turned D against his father. How I refuse to cooperate and how I’m trying to take money from him when I have plenty. I’m sure she questioned him about it and I’m sure he tells her, he DID reach out to the kids when he should have, but it was me who was stopping the communication. I didn’t answer the phone. I wouldn’t let them talk. I told him to leave the boys alone, they have a new father now. Why wouldn’t he tell her that? He’s told his friends that. He’s told the kids that too. No one likes to pay attention to the order I fought to get that gave him HALF OF THE TIME WITH THE KIDS. 

Are the lies ever going to stop? How can this person have my kids’ best interest in mind if she doesn’t understand how he is using them as pawns to ‘win’ and to fuck with me? How can she be around my kids, thinking that their mother locks them out of the house and treats them like shit? 

I can see her page from my blogs facebook page, but no results show up at all for her when I search for her from my own page. I’m sure she’s blocked me. I don’t know why she would. Unless of course X told her that I’ve messed up every relationship he’s had since we got divorced, and that I’ll try to mess this one up too. I’m sure he told her to block me so that I can’t try to contact her and fill her with lies. I suppose when he shoves her into a wall for talking back maybe then she’ll learn. If that doesn’t work, then I’m sure the subtle comments about her every thought being wrong won’t work either. At least not at first. 

I just want the lies to stop. I just want people to be adults. Clearly, I want too much. 

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , ,
12 Mar 2013
2 Comments

Suing your mother

Dad 
So the one good lead I get on a rental turns out to be 26 (Street we live on) street… wtf!! I feel cheated 

 
A
Hahahahahaha
That’s on the other side of the intersection
 
Dad
yeah
 not cool
I was shooting for something a bit closer tot he schools… oh well the search continues I guess 
 
A
That’s not that far from the school. Check sunlight drive or starlight drive
 
Dad
k. I hope you know that I don’t like the idea of suing your mother in court and bringing all the rest of the crap out before a judge… she chose not to mediate with me, and was not really interested in my suggestions that I emailed her. I just want you to know I did make an effort bud. Please delete this after you read as always lol. 
I will find a place in though, hopefully sooner than later too!!
You should see this game I am playing – blazing angels… pretty cool game
of course it is not nba though  When you gonna come down again?

A
Not this weekend maybe next
 
Dad
k

A
They’re coming out with the next assassins creed. It takes place on a pirate ship

 

How does he not know the thing about when you say something about the other parent, kids hears that you’re saying it about them too?

And, Suing me? I’m being sued? How do I not know this? Shouldn’t I know I’m being sued before A knows I’m being sued? Wait…..is he talking about MY motion to modify? Because no one is being sued. Lawyer? What? 

GRRRRRR!!!!!!!

Plus I’m pretty sure that he’s going to try to have the kids 1/2 of the time as a way to wiggle out of child support. He is such an idiot! 

Posted in abuse, child support, co-parenting, crazy making, Divorce, kids, parenting, worry and tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,
11 Mar 2013
12 Comments

Who’s your daddy?

Mediation on Thursday was a colossal waste of time. Waste of my time. Waste of my husbands time. Waste of the mediators time. Waste of the magistrates time. 

I requested not be in the same room as X during mediation. This takes away his power. He likes to holler, he likes to talk over me, he likes to be a bully….consequently, he refused to agree to anything. 

I asked for a set schedule for the boys. His response was “I have to think about it.” 

I asked for medical and educational decision making to be allocated to me. His response was “No.”

I asked for child support. The mediator filled in the worksheet. If they impute his wages at minimum wage, 7.50 an hour, he will owe me 87.00 per week. His response was “I can’t afford that. I want a paternity test.” 

During our status conference the magistrate was beyond confused about this. He told X that he would have to file a motion, and it was unlikely that a judge would approve such a request, as it unlikely to be in the best interest of the children. He also told X that it he didn’t understand that why, now after mediation, is this coming up? His response was, “Actually the mediator suggested it.” The magistrates jaw literally dropped. “Excuse me?” X followed up with, “She cheated on me during the entire length of our marriage. If I am not the children’s biological father, they have a right to know who is.” The magistrate went on to say that regardless of the outcome of any paternity test, he was dad to the kids, nothing is going to change that. 

Since nothing was agreed upon, we are now going to go to trial. Over a set visitation schedule and child support. Seriously. What a waste of time and resources. 

We were both encouraged to come to a resolution prior to a trial. X keeps bringing up that the boys need to be in therapy. A won’t go. He doesn’t want to. I can’t make him. D knows when he needs extra help or someone to talk to. He’s doing ok right now. Anyway, during the status conference X continued to try to get a resolution to this issue. I suggested that X take them. For familiarity sake, the kids can go back to the counselor they had before. X complained that he didn’t have their insurance information. I said I would copy their insurance cards for him. He muttered something that sounded like agreement. I know he won’t take them, but at least it got him off my back about it.

I asked about in the meantime, what a temporary schedule could look like, as the current Sunday to Wednesday isn’t being utilized. He asked X, “What do you suggest, sir?” He responded, “When my older boy wants to see me, he lets me know. I can’t really give any notice about it.” I chimed in, “I’d like to know when and where you’re going to be dropping off and picking up.” The magistrate said to X, “Can you choose a neutral place for pick ups and drop offs to happen?” Apparently, this caught X off guard. “Uh, no, I can’t right now. I’d have to think about it I guess.” 

The magistrate said, “It is important for you to know that during your trial the judge will not only listen to what you say and what evidence you present, but he’ll also be noting your behavior. And sir, your inability to choose a place, well, all I can say is your behavior matters.” 

After an entire day of dealing with his bullshit, I was glad for it to be over. I’m angry that I’ll likely have to get a lawyer to go to trial with me. I’m angry that his is so selfish and delusional that he thinks a paternity test will get him out of paying me 87 dollars a week. I was even more angry when I got this email from him on Thursday night:

From: X
To: Me
Sent: Thursday, March 7, 2013 8:39 PM
Subject: Visitation/suggestions

I suggest alternating weekends – for D you can drop off in Winslow at the local and nearby Irving station (I will be across the street waiting and within view until you have left) and I will drop off at the Irving near you.  Saturday you drop off at 12:00 through Sunday at 5:00 when I drop off.  A can come the following weekend on Friday night until Sunday.  This is until such time that I am able to move to Brewer.

I further suggest in the best interests of the children and while there is still time, that you dismiss the modifications and I will not bring any subsequent action.  Starting somewhat fresh.  It is your call, but I would like to reiterate that going forward with this will not be in their best interests nor ours.  Court is very costly and time consuming and will only end up having negative effects on them.

I didn’t respond. I didn’t want to. I’d been waiting since October for a resolution, I wasted a whole day waiting for a resolution. The next morning he emailed me again. It said “So nothing?” Apparently I wasn’t complying with his crazy quickly enough. I replied that I needed to think about it. I didn’t think about it. I wanted to be done thinking about this shit for a while. Some time on Saturday I responded:

From: Me
Sent: Saturday, March 09, 2013 7:26 PM
To: X
Subject: Re: Visitation/suggestions

X
I agree to alternating weekends. You can pick A up at the high school after class, every other Friday. You can drop him back off at the high school or the Irving Gas Station on North Main in Brewer by 5pm on Sunday.  We are willing to meet you in Newport (half way) at the Dunkin Donuts at 5pm on Sunday, if that’s more convenient.
I have talked to D, and he continues to be uncomfortable with the idea of being away from home overnight with you.  However, he is open to the idea of spending time with you during the day. Perhaps, you could come to Bangor/Brewer for the day every other weekend, and spend 3-5 hours with him in the area to start. The pick up/drop off for D can occur at the neutral location of your choosing in the Bangor/Brewer area.
As far as picking up and dropping off, we are not willing to leave A or D anywhere.  You are required to be present at the pick up/drop off.  This agreement is all contingent on you personally communicating directly with me, regarding any and all scheduling changes or modification as soon as possible.  And I will do the same.
Thanks,
Stacey

This afternoon he replied “I’ll take this under advisement.” Whatever asshole, do whatever you want. I really don’t care. You think this is a game? You like thinking you’re in control? You like thinking that you somehow have the upper hand here? You don’t. You don’t have anything. You ARE going to have a set schedule, you ARE going to pay me child support. I’ll likely have a lawyer for this trial, you might even wind up with SUPERVISED visits after the court finds out the stupid shit you talk to A about. You’ll also likely have your wages imputed far above minimum wage now that you have, not only a bachelors degree, but your JD as well. The internet has lots of information about how much your earning potential really is. 

The average attorney in Maine earns an annual salary of $76,950 as of May 2009, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics’ Occupational Outlook Handbook. Half of all attorneys who practice in Maine earn salaries between $56,870 and $106,110, although the most poorly compensated 10 percent of lawyers in the state earn $45,580 or less annually. 

 

 

Posted in abuse, child support, co-parenting, court forms, crazy making, Divorce, kids, parenting, reality, worry and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,
27 Feb 2013
5 Comments

And now I have hives.

In April of 2011 my X / landlord handed me some papers at my son’s baseball game and sneered in my face “You’ve been served!” I took the papers and rolled my eyes, thinking, “he watches too much tv.”

The papers he handed we was a Notice To Quit. My boyfriend had moved to Maine and was staying with me. The landlord was aware of this and demanded we pay more money. So we did. We didn’t know the rules. We didn’t know he couldn’t do that. We just wanted to make things go as smoothly as possible. We were still at the point of not really knowing what we were dealing with. After 3 months of a severe rent increase, the landlord has decided now to make the boyfriend move out or we’d be evicted. 

In turn, boyfriend and I got married. We also stopped paying increased rent, and paid only what the lease said I had to pay. 

In September of 2011 we saw a lawyer about taking X back to court to modify our visitation. At that time we asked about the Notice to Quit and how to get our of our lease. The lawyer looked at the Notice and said “Just move.” Upon doing further research about this here is what we found.

The Notice to Quit Form is the beginning of the eviction process, and it communicates the intention to initiate eviction proceedings if a tenant does not comply with an order and remains on the premises beyond the specified date. 

Since we did not comply with his request to kick boyfriend / husband out, he is going to evict us. We assumed that at any time he’d get a stick up his ass and actually follow through…though we knew he liked our money…so maybe not. 

We talked about moving. D didn’t want to leave his school. We looked for places in our small town. We applied for home loans and were denied. X missed loan payments on a joint loan I can’t get off of. My credit is in the toilet. We saved (and begged) enough money to be able to move to a rental. If only there were rentals in our town!

D went to a concert at the new big school in the same city where A goes to school. He was amazed at the brand new school, the friendly staff and teachers. The 3 soccer fields and track and multiple playgrounds. He came home and said “If we moved and that was my new school, I think that would be pretty awesome.”

So, now with D on board, we started looking in the city where A goes to school. 20 minutes closer to work, to schools, to everything. For months we searched and finally, we have found an amazing place. We are moving closer to A’s school. We are moving to someplace much bigger. We are moving to give D a better school opportunity. We are moving to sever the remaining tie between me and the X (besides the children). Now, we had to tell landlord / X. A told me he thought dad would be happy we were leaving, some one else had wanted to rent it. 

I emailed and let him know, and also sent a formal letter in the mail with our final rent check. He replied to the email saying that he ‘Does not accept our surrender of the lease’. Of course. I mentioned to A a few days later that his dad wasn’t happy about us moving. I never said that we weren’t moving. A took it to mean that dad wasn’t letting us move. So, A asked him why he wasn’t letting us move. X had a lovely convo with A all about how he would NEVER say such a thing and how AWFUL I am to have tried to make him look bad to his kids. 

So, I got this email from X:

LOL and is it any wonder that you can’t be trusted to act in the best interests of the children when you go and do crap like you just did – telling them that I am the reason you can’t move. I am documenting the conversation. Who in their right mind would think they can just get out of a lease because they want to – every person who has ever had a lease for an apartment or house know that is not ok when the landlord has relied on your word in the agreement. You want out of the lease you come back with a reasonable offer that is going to cover my expenses for breaking the lease until I can get someone in there, but you telling them what you did is despicable.

So I replied:

I didn’t realize you were open to negotiation. How about if we pay all of March rent, and are vacated by March 4th?

And then he did too:

Seriously, that is what you call a reasonable offer? I will accept 2,550 and you vacate by March 31st. That is knocking off two months of rent from the lease. Any damage to the property that is discovered after you vacate will be your responsibility and I will hold you accountable in a separate proceeding. I will need to know ASAP.

He’s crazy. I should have just left it alone…but I didn’t.

We don’t have $2550. We have $890. You can have a months rent (march) with no tenants. We also just put another 100 gallons of oil in the tank today.
That is the best that we can do at this time.

Did I mention he’s crazy?

A months rent is not even close to enough and you know it. You are legally responsible for much more – and should this go to court I will remind you that you will be responsible for additional court costs as well as attorney fees. I am sure you have people you can get money from if you really wanted to, as you have done in the past. My offer is MORE than reasonable all things considered.

Crunching numbers….We owe 32040.00 in total on the lease for the 36 months. In total we have paid all but 2300. He wants me to give him 2500? Uh, no. And silly me thinks reason might work…

Considering all the rents paid to you thus far, we don’t even still owe you 2550.00 after march’s rent is paid.
Considering that I have fulfilled 32 months of a 36 month lease so that you were able to go to law school without needing to be a proper land lord, i would like to think that you would be more willing to negotiate. You are misinformed as to our financial situation. We do not have access to, nor know anyone who has access to that kind of money.

He didn’t want reason. He wants my money.

I have heard nothing more from you regarding a compromise in terms of the lease. Does that mean you prefer to go the alternate route? I strongly encourage you to work on a compromise with this so as to avoid any potential hardship this might cause.

His idea of compromise is to give him what he wants.

As I previously stated, whether you believe it or not, I do not have access to, or know anyone who has access to 2550.00

Now he’s just being a bully. Again.

I don’t know what to tell you. You have offered nothing in the way of any offer that is close to viable. You must know that I will prevail in court, albeit a little later down the road, but at that point it will end up costing you considerably more. In my humble opinion this is a very poor decision on your part given the fact that I am willing to almost cut in half what you would have paid. That is fine, and your choice, but don’t you dare even hint to the children that it is me who is to blame for any of what results from your decision. You let me know if you have anything reasonable to suggest or add to what has already been discussed.

Cut in half? What? 3 months of rent is 2670.00. Half of that would be 1335.00. not 2500. He’s as bad at math as he is at legal matters. I’m worn down and should have stopped this conversation before I ever started it

Raising kids is really expensive. Trying to give them a place to live, food to eat, all the things they need is not an easy task. I am sorry we can’t give you the remaining balance of the lease, but we just dont have the means to do so considering all the other expenses.
I wouldn’t tell the kids you aren’t letting us move, as we are moving.

However, in the event we are taken to court and the kids have to go without because you feel you are entitled to more money than we have, I believe they would have a right to know.

Id rather not argue with you about this. I am doing the best that I can. If you have alternate ideas, please let me know.

But he HAS to have the last word.

Your passive aggressive tactics at manipulation do not work on me anymore.  You did tell the kids exactly that, that I was the reason you weren’t moving, which is the only reason I was talking to you about this.  But as I suspected you lied to them then just to suit your own purposes because you never really intended to do anything other than move.

Now you seem to think my talking to you is in some form a sign of weakness, that I am not serious about what my next steps are going to be in regards to this, that there is some mitigating emotional factor based on those children that is going to convince me otherwise – you are seriously mistaken.

You are planning on telling them whatever you come up with anyway, so feel free if you think it is in their best interests and try to explain to them the results after a court decides.

I am entitled to the money you agreed to pay when you voluntarily and knowingly signed the lease.  I was willing to work out a compromise.  I have made a good faith effort at trying to reach that solution with you and that is more than enough.

Then he got our letter and our final rent check.

Letter received.  Surrender of lease is not accepted.  Alternative ideas – Keep your word, stop taking me back to court; It is only going to hurt the kids in the end.

Dealing with him is exhausting. Its been an exhausting week. We are trying to pack an entire house. We are trying to coordinate mail, cable, internet, in addition to all our normal kid schedules of dentist appts and drivers ed, and dinners….And now, I have hives. Awesome, I know. 

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , ,
22 Feb 2013
3 Comments

Trying to coparent with a dummy

Things have been CRAZY! Where to start….lets see. X is the landlord, and he is also the children’s father. When we found out we were moving, I needed to give him notice regarding moving the kids, and also as tenants leaving a lease early. Neither of which I was looking forward to. Here is what happened when I gave him notice about moving the kids. I’ll do another blog post about the landlord / tenant end of this whole situation. 

My divorce states that I need to give X 30 days notice, if possible, if I intend to move the kids. So, I gave him notice.

From: Me
Sent: Friday, February 15, 2013 8:37 PM
To: Dummy
Subject: FYI

X,
I wanted to let you know that we will be moving to New School District in March. As far as the divorce states I am to give you 30 days notice of my intent to move the kids.  You will receive a formal letter in the mail regarding our intent to vacate the house at _____________.
Thanks,
Stacey

I knew it wasn’t going to be that simple, and I was right. 

 
From: Dummy
To: Me
Sent: Sunday, February 17, 2013 2:51 PM
Subject: RE: FYI

For the record, you did not notify me nor attempt to discuss with me the relocation of the children to a new town nor did you notify me nor attempt to discuss with me the withdrawal of D from School A and his subsequent placement in the School B system.  A direct violation of the divorce decree as we have shared custody.  Expect an additional motion for contempt to be filled after your move.

 

Ok seriously? A. we do not have shared custody. We have shared decision making about certain things. Education being one of them. And B. I’ve researched what it takes to file contempt charges…you’re an idiot to think you can scare me with this shit. C. Look at the email I originally sent you, there you will find the NOTICE and the ATTEMPT TO DISUCSS with you D being moved from school A to school B. 

 

From: Me
Sent: Sunday, February 17, 2013 2:32 PM
To: Dummy
Subject: Re: FYI

X,
If you have concerns about D switching schools, feel free to discuss them with me.  Our email below is the 30-day “notification” about the relocation, as our divorce decree states I need to do.
Thanks,
Stacey

 

Seems clear, right? Apparently not. 

 

From: Dummy
To: Me
Sent: Sunday, February 17, 2013 7:16 PM
Subject: RE: FYI

I have concerns, but a discussion with you after the fact that you have already made your decision and informed the children makes what I think moot.  Court may be the best place to discuss actions that have already transpired.  And once again I still do not have the specific date you intend to vacate the house in breach of the lease.

 

Ok so, you want to holler at me for my refusal to parent, but as you can see, I’m parenting, and he’s refusing…anyone else confused yet? 

 

From: Me
Sent: Sunday, February 17, 2013 6:47 PM
To: Dummy
Subject: Re: FYI

X,
I just want to clarify, you have concerns and you choose not to discuss them with me? Now is the time to have an open and civil discussion as far as the concerns you may have.  As far as what’s best for the children and their schooling, it’s a work in progress, and no action has been taken as of yet. As always, this will be a decision based on what is in the best interest of the children.
Thanks,
Stacey

 

Are you ready for it…..? Here comes the crazy!! 

 

From: Dummy
To: Me
Sent: Sunday, February 17, 2013 9:33 PM
Subject: RE: FYI

So that I am clear and that you understand – I am not interested in playing your games and allowing you to put me in the position of bad guy after you have already informed the children of your decision.  What purpose would a discussion at this point have but to affect my relationship with them in a detrimental fashion by casting me as the bad guy by questioning what they have been led to believe is going to be in their best interests.  I don’t for a minute believe that you would not have attempted to spin this in a manner that would preclude any disagreement from them so as to obtain a path of least resistance.  And now what, I am going to give you my concerns and allow you to use that as a wedge to say “Oh look, your Dad doesn’t think this is such a good idea.”  A discussion with me would have been appropriate prior to you doing that, but as is evident – they already know this.  And also for the record – School is not a work in progress, ever.  It is sound decisions made in the BEST INTERESTS OF THE CHILDREN, and not your own – ALWAYS.  I really have to question whether you considered them in any of this, rather as always I am sure it is more of a convenience issue than anything else – hence the medication over actual therapy.  See that is the real problem here isn’t it.  Your decisions are cloaked in “best interests of the children” because it is a nice little phrase to make you feel better about your choices, when in reality you have given very little thought to the possible repercussions to them.  I take comfort in the fact that at least when they were with me my decisions were always based on them, regardless of whether or not you were able to comprehend/contemplate it or not.  But yeah for the record I will take your bait because at least one of us needs to do what’s right by them.

1.  Switching school in the middle of the year is not in the best interests of D, it may be in yours but not his and there is a clear history of statistics to show this.  2.  Given his current academic performance the whole “new place and a chance to start all over fresh” is not what he needs, rather he could use a bit more parental attention at home in regards to homework and a whole lot less computer time.  This is doing nothing more than teaching him to run away from his problems and quit when the going gets tough.  3.  Manipulation of the situation on your part in terms of bolstering the positives of the switch without really addressing the likely consequences does not mean he is in any way competent to give consent; not allowing me the opportunity to discuss with him the switch before a decision was made simply puts anything I might add in response to a switch in a most likely negative light which is not conducive to fostering and promoting positive problem solving skills in him affording him an opportunity to value my input.  4.  It is apparent that you have not really investigated the School B educational situation, nor taken the time to truly reflect on the different standards in place nor the climate that you are thrusting upon him – as a parent that should have been your primary concern rather than just finding a home to move to at his age. 5.  Moving to School B District relinquishes his opportunity for any alternative choice of high school – which based on conversations with him he does not seem to be clear on nor sold on.  6.  Floating him into a new school setting so late in the year where they will not be able to fully evaluate him based on their standards has the potential for simply passing him to the next level regardless of his overall performance capabilities which if they are sub par, lets say like they were a couple years ago, continues to set him up for future failure on a much larger scale.  7.  Socially and educationally speaking I find it quite unnerving that you feel he will adjust so quickly to School B, a much larger system with considerably less room for personalized attention than he has received at School A especially given his track record with similar things.  8.  You really think that a child that has regressed to be overtly introverted to the extent he has over the last few years is going to prosper in School B?  Are you for real?  

Anyone of these factors alone, and there are more if you took the time to actually think about it, should be enough to seriously rethink your actions… if it was about the children.  There is a reason that your friend Crystal busted her ass to avoid this scenario so feel free to get input from her.  Heck feel free to ask that girl down south who is a teacher.  I suspect you avoided those conversations because they would have provided you with the same common sense rational input as well.  But alas, it doesn’t matter what I say because you plan on doing what ever is in YOUR best interests and not theirs.  You know, and this really goes to the heart of the matter, if you only made your decisions with them first and foremost in mind I wouldn’t have a problem with anything you do regarding them.  But you haven’t, and you continue to drop the ball in so many major ways.  It is disgusting and utterly sad all at once.  I guess the biggest difference I see in you compared to most of the other mothers out there, and frankly in retrospect this has always been the case with you, is that you just have no desire to put them above yourself.  It is always about what you want and what you need.  It is with profound disappointment that I look at how they are being raised and what you have done to them.  I seriously don’t know whether to continue to be super pissed off at your choices or just cry for them at what you have done and continue to do.

Feel free to have that open moment of disgust so that your new husband can see it, but when you are in that quiet moment all on your own and don’t have to fake it, you know what I say is the truth.  That is if you even bother to.

 

I felt like I was sprayed with projection slime after reading this. I’m not a bad person, a bad mom…I’m not even a bad ex wife!
I slept on it and responded the next day. I took out all the other BS, I took just his base concern and addressed it. 

 

From: Me
To: Dummy
Sent: Monday, February 18, 2013 9:15 AM
Subject: Re: FYI

X,
Thank you for sharing your concerns regarding D changing schools. 
 
1.  Switching school in the middle of the year is not in the best interests of D, it may be in yours but not his and there is a clear history of statistics to show this.  
 
Once vacation is over we will be contacting both the School B, and the School A teachers to speak with them regarding this type of transition with three months left in the school year. As educators, I’m sure that this is not an atypical situation and they will be able to make recommendations based on what will be best for D. 
 
2.  Given his current academic performance the whole “new place and a chance to start all over fresh” is not what he needs, rather he could use a bit more parental attention at home in regards to homework and a whole lot less computer time.  This is doing nothing more than teaching him to run away from his problems and quit when the going gets tough.  
 
D spends one hour per evening on his computer during the school week. I am in daily contact with all of his teachers regarding homework assignments. Completing school work and homework will still be a requirement for D. That is not something he will be able to escape. 
 
3.  Manipulation of the situation on your part in terms of bolstering the positives of the switch without really addressing the likely consequences does not mean he is in any way competent to give consent; not allowing me the opportunity to discuss with him the switch before a decision was made simply puts anything I might add in response to a switch in a most likely negative light which is not conducive to fostering and promoting positive problem solving skills in him affording him an opportunity to value my input.  
 
If at anytime you would like to speak with D, you are allowed to do so. 
 
4.  It is apparent that you have not really investigated the School B educational situation, nor taken the time to truly reflect on the different standards in place nor the climate that you are thrusting upon him – as a parent that should have been your primary concern rather than just finding a home to move to at his age. 
 
Once vacation is over we will be contacting both the School B, and the School A teachers to speak with them regarding this type of transition with three months left in the school year. As educators, I’m sure that this is not an atypical situation and they will be able to make recommendations based on what will be best for D. 
 
5.  Moving to School B district relinquishes his opportunity for any alternative choice of high school – which based on conversations with him he does not seem to be clear on nor sold on.  
 
D understands that this will end his opportunity to be able to have a choice of high school, but the reality is with his grades and educational performance at School A, its unlikely that anything other than School System B would be an option for him. This has already been discussed with School A. 
 
6.  Floating him into a new school setting so late in the year where they will not be able to fully evaluate him based on their standards has the potential for simply passing him to the next level regardless of his overall performance capabilities which if they are sub par, lets say like they were a couple years ago, continues to set him up for future failure on a much larger scale.
 
As far as your concern regarding School B simply passing him because they are unable to evaluate him, you should know that I was told by Mr. M that School A will pass D, regardless of his grades. Once students reach middle school, they will not keep kids back. 
  
7.  Socially and educationally speaking I find it quite unnerving that you feel he will adjust so quickly to School B, a much larger system with considerably less room for personalized attention than he has received at School A especially given his track record with similar things.  
 
I believe that a persons attitude toward a transition is a big factor in a successful adjustment. D has a very positive attitude towards this transition. 
 
8.  You really think that a child that has regressed to be overtly introverted to the extent he has over the last few years is going to prosper in School B?  
 
I’m unclear as to how you’ve made the determination that D is overtly introverted. That is not our experience with him.
 
Thanks,
Stacey
 
He never responded to this. Of course. 
This whole exchange this weekend was exhausting. But, I’ve done my part. He, in a hateful, manipulative and awful way, voiced his concerns and I was able to be a level headed, clear and responsible parent and address them. 
Can I be done now? Can he just leave? Can he just maybe fall off the face of the earth and leave me alone now? Please? 
 
Posted in abuse, child support, co-parenting, crazy making, Divorce, kids, parenting, reality, worry and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
09 Feb 2013
5 Comments

Summer Dog – After court conversation

A little back story here….Husband and I were looking at a rental house. It was huge and awesome and in our price range. Only issue was that they didn’t allow dogs. Summer is my dog and I’ve had her for 8 years now.
My parents, who are retired now, have a dog of their own. In the past they’ve babysat Summer for us, rather than us having to board her. Summer LOVES my mom. We’d discussed that if we had to move, and couldn’t take summer because a rental wouldn’t allow her, where Summer could go. My parents, of course, would love to take Summer. We joked that this could be her retirement home. Of course its not our first option, but I’m relived to know that if it came down to it, she would have a safe, loving home to go to, one where we could still see her.

We talked to the kids about this house, and the fact that they didn’t allow dogs. A voiced his opinion about not wanting Summer to go. We talked at length about it. I pointed out how he was right, how of course it would be sad to not have her around ever day, but how it would be a very good environment for her, all the attention and love, etc. A was still not impressed, but I knew he understood. After court last week, here is the conversation between X and A.

7:53p

Dad

love ya bud

wish you were here so we could hang…

7:54pm

A

Guessing court didn’t go the way you had hoped

7:54pm

Dad

no it went fine

just sucks I have to keep doing this

7:55pm

A

Well that’s good, and I bet. We probably won’t have school tomorrow which means no drivers ed, which means we have to make up a day

7:55pm

Dad

bummer

7:56pm

A

I’ve got my eye on a car

7:56pm

Dad

I was thinking it would have been cool if you came down, but it was to last minute. Oh really

lol

7:56pm

A

Yeah it was a little to late and yeah, I’d have to have some help

But I think i have a chance

It’s not a bad car

7:57pm

Dad

really?

7:57pm

A

Yeah Haha

7:57pm

Dad

what is it?

??

7:59pm

A

I’ll send you the link

7:59pm

Dad

ok

8:00pm

A

If it would copy this would be easier

http://www.downeastdeals.com/vehicledetails.aspx?VID=167360131

8:02pm

Dad

and how do you plan to pay for this?

8:03pm

A

I’m not sure yet

Maybe Dave would help, and Grammy.

8:03pm

Dad

maybe

8:03pm

A

But Grammy is most likely going to take summer when we move if we move to the house

8:04pm

Dad

what? and so they have a house already huh

8:04pm

A

They got approved for it

8:04pm

Dad

still in Brewer area?

8:05pm

A

Yeah right next to orrington

8:05pm

Dad

good

well there you go. You do have lots of new family with money – hit them up for it

8:06pm

A

They’re helping pay for the house

8:06pm

Dad

and I am not surprised about summer – she never wanted that dog after week two

oh no doubt

8:06pm

A

Even though I said I want them they still said it’d be better for summer lol. Such bull shit

8:07pm

Dad

yeah, says a lot about a person or people… what ever. when you moving?

8:07pm

A

No idea

8:08pm

Dad

??

8:08pm

A

They got approved they never said it was final

8:09pm

Dad

thats what approved means bud

8:09pm

A

Well idfk then

8:09pm

Dad

lol, no need to get testy!

8:10pm

A

Lol

8:12pm

Dad

just remember bud – the feeling is much better when you earn things for yourself… never end up needing to rely on others to foot your bill. Work hard for it and you will have all you want and people will respect you for it

8:12pm

A

I was planing to pay them back when I got a job

But I need a car to get and forth from the job

8:13pm

Dad

here is a little advice. when you borrow from people, they own you and you are in their pocket… that is a life lesson

8:14pm

A

Yes I know.

8:14pm

Dad

and what job do you have?

8:14pm

A

I don’t have one…

8:14pm

Dad

lol

you will

8:14pm

A

Well yes

8:16pm

Dad

I hope you know that I went through college – twice, bought my own cars and my own house – again it is a matter of personal integrity and independence on yourself. Knowing that you can accomplish things on your own is such a dying character trait these days../.

8:16pm

A

Ya

8:18pm

Dad

It may sound harsh, but I want you to go through some of those struggles because it makes you a better man, and really does make you appreciate what you can accomplish. From those struggles you gain confidence in yourself and your ability to overcome adversity… because in the end it is about you

8:19pm

A

Yeah

8:20pm

Dad

fucking pissed about summer though, never would have left her behind if I thought you guys wouldn’t have her

8:20pm

A

Same

8:22pm

Dad

might as well just shoot her and get it over with… instead of letting her go off and die with some one else just because she is getting old

8:22pm

A

Wtf

8:22pm

Dad

SO FING ANGRY RIGHT NOW

8:22pm

A

You’re being stupid.

She’s going to Grammy not a new person

8:25pm

Dad

for her that will be a new person… pets are not novelties to be tossed away when you no longer want them. They are living creatures that show nothing but loyalty and love. She has made you laugh, snuggled with you when you were upset, waited for you at the door when you got home… It says a lot about a person

8:26pm

A

Dogs arent aloud in the house. But I’m as mad as you. Doesn’t mean we should shoot the dog

8:26pm

Dad

If she didn’t want the friggin dog I would have taken her before I got Mia… That is what pisses me off, because she knew that

8:27pm

A

Take her now

8:28pm

Dad

I can only have one dog here

had to negotiate for it

8:28pm

A

Gotcha

8:29pm

Dad

there might be a pretty mean post on the way… deep breath

8:29pm

A

Lol

8:29pm

Dad

lol

when did she say this?

8:30pm

A

Yesterday in the car

8:30pm

Dad

and neither one of you said no?

8:30pm

A

I did?

8:31pm

Dad

or is it not worth the argument?
gotcha

just sad

8:31pm

A

I said no. Do you know how to fucking read.

8:31pm

Dad

I read that and said gotcha, punk

8:32pm

A

You said Gotcha after you said not worth the argument. You always answer your own questions

8:32pm

Dad

lol, no

8:33pm

A

yes

8:33pm

Dad

just very disappointed. well nothing new there right lol

its sorta like, oh hey I am tired of having one of you boys around… go live with grammy

summer is family

alright I am done with this for now. I do appreciate the heads up though. Thank you.

8:35pm

A

Yea

8:35pm

Dad

so sorry bud.

8:36pm

A

It’s Whateva. Out of my hands

8:36pm

Dad

ok

I hear ya

8:43pm

Dad

well there, I have said my piece. It will go in one ear and out the other though… useless

8:43pm

A

Most likely

8:43pm

Dad

yup

Never feel like you can’t stand up and say what you feel and believe in the face of opposition. Thats what I say!

8:45pm

A

Already have, it just pissed me off

8:45pm

Dad

yup

yup

yup

8:45pm

A

Yup

He also made sure to give me a piece of his mind. If I didn’t know better, I’d say he’d been drinking. This is the email I got:

‘So now your just tossing out summer, like she is nothing, like she hasn’t been a member of the boys family for almost their whole lives.  Abhorrent beyond belief, absolutely disgraceful and indicative.  You are certainly continuing to set an outstanding example for those kids – and don’t kid yourself, they continue to see what you do and will remember forever. ‘
Funny thing about that email, it came as a reply to one of the three emails I sent him last weekend asking when and where he’d be dropping A off…that he never replied to.
Posted in abuse, co-parenting, crazy making, Divorce, Dogs, kids, long distance parenting, parenting, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , ,
08 Feb 2013
8 Comments

Court!

Well, first of all, THANK YOU! to everyone for their well wishes and positive thoughts for me yesterday. Everything went just fine. 
I was thinking about why I was so nervous about court yesterday. I know what is going to happen. I know what can happen, and what can’t happen. I know I am in the right here. I know that there is no argument he could possibly have that would take my kids away. Not during a case management hearing anyway. 
Spending so much time over the last two years learning about how unstable he really, truly is has been eye opening. Its changed how I deal with him, and others too. I’ve learned to avoid him and his insanity as much as possible…and this mentality, seems to have created a larger than life idea of my ex. He is toxic. He is bad. He is terrible. He causes as much trouble as possible. He is to be avoided. So, yeah, I was nervous to have to deal with him, up close.

Husband and I got there first. We waited in the hall. X showed up in a full suit. 

We were called in and I sat down. My heart was pounding. Over the doors in front of me was a big silver plaque with the Maine State seal. The plaque said “Dirigo”. I tried to play that word once in Words with Friends. I was told it wasn’t a word. This made me smile, and started to feel a lot more calm.
The Magistrate came in and started talking to us. He was same one that we had before, and he remembered our case. He reviewed my papers and asked me to summarize what I was looking to modify. I had no problem sitting up straight, making eye contact and speaking loud and clear. I wasn’t afraid of this part. X seemed a lot more fumbly. 

They asked him if he had submitted his child support affidavit. He said “No. My circumstances haven’t changed.” The magistrate said “Well, that’s really for the court to decide. You’ll need to submit the form by next Friday, will that be enough time for you to get that done?” X stammered and said “Uh. Well. I guess so.” The Magistrate said that at the status conference that will follow mediation child support will be discussed, including arrears due from the time of service, and going forward if it will be based on actual or imputed income. 

The Magistrate asked about changing contact, because X was around more. I said yes, that was why we need to change it. “Do you agree with that?” he asked the X. The X said, “Yes, but I’d also like to say that I don’t want to have any contact with her that isn’t absolutely necessary. In fact, I’d like the exchanges to be done by a neutral third party.” 

The Magistrate’s eyes got wide and he looked at X, then at his papers and said, “But you have children together. The lines of communication need to be wide open if you have two kids. I am sure you have an opinion about why you feel that way, and the court will look at that after mediation, but that’s unlikely.” 

We were both ordered to take the For Kid’s Sake parenting class. He has to prove that he’s registered by Feb. 22nd. The Magistrate asked if that was enough time to get it done. X said “well that is in the middle of all the other stuff I have going on.” The magistrate gave him until March 7th. We both need to submit certificates of completion. 

We were ordered to schedule mediation with the Clerk. He decided that costs were to be split evenly. We were then asked if there were any other issues we wanted to discuss. I said “No, thank you.” X said, “Yes, actually.”

Magistrate: “Ok sir, go ahead.”

X: “I have an issue with her monitoring all my communication with A. My phone is blocked. We have no privacy. He can’t vent to me or anything.” 

Magistrate: “Ok, anything further, sir?”

X: “Yes, I can’t talk to D on the phone either. I was calling on weekends and he wasn’t there. When I call he’s not available.”

Magistrate: “Do you call in the evenings?”

X: “Yes, but that’s not a good time.”

Magistrate: “Ok, anything further, sir?”

X: “Yes. There is a factual issue with money she got from a raise that was not disclosed in the divorce.”

Magistrate: “With your law school background you should know that without filing your own motions, the motions she has filed is all that the court will be looking at. This includes Rights and Responsibilities, visitation and child support. Without filing your own motion, nothing else will be looked at by the court.” Then he looked at me and said “Would you like the court to look at and discuss this issue?”

Me: “No.”

Magistrate: “Very well then, I didn’t want to assume anything, I like to ask. Is there anything further, sir?”

X: “Yes, my son is on a medication without my consent. I wasn’t even asked!”

Magistrate: “Well that is a serious allegation. However, you have joint medical decision making rights, and she is asking they be allocated to her. You can discuss this during mediation. Is there anything further, sir?”

X: “I have concerns about my youngest son being in counseling. He was only there for 2 weeks, and now he doesn’t go anymore. I also have concerns about her presences in his sessions. That’s not ok.”

Magistrate: “That can be discussed at mediation. Is there anything further, sir?”

X: I’ve spoken to the Department of Human Services and they won’t release any medical benefit information to me without a court order. So I need a court order for that.”

Magistrate: “As I said you have joint decision making authority, so you wouldn’t need a court order to access your children’s medical information. 

X: “Well that is what they told me.

Magistrate: “Is there anything further, sir?”

X: “My youngest son has been very hesitant to speak with me over the last year. And that, I’m sure is intertwined with the counseling piece.”

Magistrate: “You share medical decision making about all major medical issues. Is there anything further, sir?”

X: “I guess not, not without motions.” 

Then the Magistrate asked me about coming to a resolution for an interim order about contact. Since X was whining about not being able to contact the kids and all…He asked me if I had any ideas about a resolution. I said, “He can call anytime he wants to talk with the kids. His phone number is blocked on A’s cell phone only because of some inappropriate text messages. He can call the home phone anytime he wants to talk to the kids, and our phone plan allows for as much long distance calling and the kids want, so they can also call him anytime they like. D is home between 3:30 and 4 most days. We are not home Saturday mornings as D has diving.”

The magistrate looked at X and asked what, based on that, he was going to do?

X didn’t say anything.

The magistrate said “is this a suitable resolution?”

X said “Yeah.”

The magistrate said “What is your resolution?”

X said “I guess I’ll call around 5 or 5:30” 

And with that, it was over. He said he looked forward to seeing us after mediation a status conference. We stood up and left. X raced to the door and was at the elevator before I reached the Clerk’s window. I scheduled mediation. I went downstairs and paid my half of the mediation fee, and went home. 

I was so relived when it was over. And, just like I knew all along, there was nothing to worry about. 

Posted in abuse, child support, co-parenting, court forms, crazy making, Divorce, parenting, worry and tagged , , , , , , , , ,

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