Looking Forward

Making a better life for me and my kids

Archive for the tag “crazy-making”

04 Oct 2013
6 Comments

More of the same…

This morning I sent: 

Will you be picking D up at home at 9:45 on Saturday? Also, I’d like an update on progress you’ve made in finding a counselor for A.

And in return I got:

As I said before regarding A and his counselor – I gave you names and then free reign to select whomever you wanted.  I have been waiting for you to select one which you have not done or at least you have not informed me of any such selection.

I have yet to speak with D regarding this weekend, and had I had earlier notice or even better a reasonable set schedule of visitation for my son everyone would be on the same page.   I have tried to call the last two nights but no one answered… I will try again this evening.

I have also not heard back from you regarding a scheduled appointment for D to get his braces.  It has been a month.  Should I need to go through the Court to make this happen I will do so.  D should not have to wait any longer to recieve proper dental care, care that is long overdue.

As I mentioned to your attorney, I am seriously considering asking the court to appoint a GAL for each of the boys and am currently investigating options in that regard.  Of course that will depend on how things progress in the very near future.  I also understand that this will be a significant monetary burden on both of us and from what I have gathered so far will probably extend greatly the amount of time that this court process ultimately takes.  However, given your reluctance to work with me on a reasonable schedule for D and your insistence that I only be allowed to see my son every other weekend, at this time I see no other solution to ensure that the boys interests are met and their voices are heard.

As always I remain open to valid and reasonable suggestions in regards to working out our differences in regards to what is in the boys best interests.

 

Whatever loser. I’m going to go watch my son play football tonight. You and your bullshit issues are the furthest things from my mind. 

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , ,
19 Sep 2013
14 Comments

Can’t stop the crazy

Rather than answering any of my questions, he sends this:

I find your newest and latest argument to be absolutely invalid – that him forgetting his meds at my house would be an issue given the close proximity of our homes and the ease with which I could return the medication.  In regards to the transportation of his medication I will certainly defer to the doctor who is the professional in these matters and the one who has dealt, I assume, with this sort of thing on numerous prior occassions.  He feels that D is fine to transport and that it is ok for his meds to be with me.  Please give me the name of the officer at the DEA office who told you that it was not ok for D to transport his meds and for his meds to be at my house while D is with me, and I will be more than happy to contact this person and discuss the issue with them so that I may hear it first hand.

Once again we truly differ on what is “Adult” matters and should not be discussed with the boys.  A schedule for D that will impact his everday life is certainly not something I would consider inappropriate for discussion with him, nor is giving him a heads up about going to court.  He is not 5 years old anymore, he is 13 and quite capable of understanding what the discussion is about and certainly capable of adding valuable input as to what he feels and wants.  Your continued exclusion of him from events that will directly effect him is what I find very disturbing and inappropriate to the point of being overly controlling.  If what you have said all along is true than I would think you would welcome the chance to have D speak with the judge and settle the matter right then and there. 

Please explain the process that you followed when D was taking his medication at school.  I will be more than happy to follow that process as it must have taken into account all of the concerns you have yet still allowed him to take his medication at school. 

Frankly, your continued efforts to prevent him from staying with me during the week are quite perplexing.  I have found no legitimate reason thus far in what you have stated as reasons why he cannot stay with me.   You seem to keep coming up with more outageous and unrealistic notions as to why D should not be allowed to stay with me – against both D and my own personal wishes. 

Please ensure that both A and D are available for the specified trial dates that fall under their scheduled time with you.  D is more than welcome to stay with me anytime, but the rest of this nonsense must be heard by the judge. 

I resent the last two paragraphs of my original email asking if he’d like to have D on Fri-Sun and asking him to contact the pharmacies.
I am done for the day.
Fuck him.
Seriously.
FUCK. HIM.

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , ,
19 Sep 2013
11 Comments

Hurry up and wait

Here we are.
5 days until our scheduled court date.
Bad news though, it might be postponed. I’m trying not to let it eat at me, but I’m just so frustrated.

On Monday X called D. He’d wanted to make a plan for D to come over to his house, Wednesday through Sunday. D is doing really good at saying “You have to email mom.” Rather than just agreeing. X then said that he wasn’t going to email me because I would just say no. Then he told D that D would be coming to court with us, and that he’d have to speak in front of a judge and tell the judge what he wants. This, rightly so, panicked D. 

D called me at work. I said “Hello!”

D was hollering, ” I HAVE TO GO TO COURT?! I HAVE TO TALK TO A JUDGE?!” 

“Ummmm, what? Whats going on?”

“DAD JUST CALLED ME AND TOLD ME THAT I HAVE TO GO TO COURT! THAT I HAVE TO SAY TO A JUDGE WHAT I WANT ABOUT VISITING HIM!?! IS THIS TRUE!?!” 

“Oh sweetie…ok, so no. Its not. We’re going to do everything that we can to make sure you don’t have any part in going to court. The grown ups need to work this out. This isn’t anything you need to be worrying about.”

“I DON’T WANT TO GO TO COURT! UGH! Ok. Fine. Dad said you emailed him and told him that you only want him to see me one time every two weeks?” 

“Um, I don’t remember doing that – but is that what I’ve been telling you?”

D said, “no. its not. You say that I can go when I want.” 

“Right, ok then. This is an adult thing, and not for you to worry about, ok?” 

“ok fine. I WAS in the middle of my homework!” 

I said it was ok if he wanted to finish it after I got home. He said ok, and that was the end of the conversation.

I emailed my lawyer about this and asked how it works and what we can do to keep D out of court. She emailed the clerk and asked for conference with the judge before the trial in order to resolve this kid thing beforehand. The clerk replied that she didn’t think we’d be heard in September, so maybe we had more time to meet with a judge, but she’d let us know in a day or so. That was on Tuesday. I haven’t heard back from my lawyer. I don’t know what to expect. I just want this to be over. 

X emailed me yesterday afternoon wanting D to come over that night. I said no. For all the reasons I’ve said every time about school night visits. I said he could have him all day Saturday and until Sunday afternoon. He said, “So now it has changed to something else as the reason you are denying me the right to see my son.  This is certainly a growing pattern of denial of my rights on your part. “

God this is exhausting. 

That evening X called D. I answered the phone and told D his dad wanted to talk to him. I said to D, “Your dad is going to ask you to come over tonight. I’ve already emailed him about this and said that you can go on Saturday, is that ok?” D said, “yeah I guess, you can just hang up then.” I said no, that D needed to talk to dad, I wasn’t going to just hang up. 

D was sucked into the middle the second he picked up the phone. At least 3 times I heard him say “You have to email mom. You have to talk to mom. You have to ask mom.” Then D held the phone up and said “Dad wants to talk to you.” I said, “No thanks.” D said “Mom says to email her.” D then hung up and said “Dad wants you to message him.” I said “thanks.” 

Then this morning I get ANOTHER email from X. 

Just so I understand what you are saying here, it is only you who feels that D cannot transport his mediation to my house… in essence the 10 feet it takes to go from your vehicle to my door.  I noticed that he took medication at school for some time – please tell me how that worked since you don’t allow him to transport it on his own and the medication can only be stored at your house.  I am really interested in knowing how that worked, because maybe that process is something that I can mirror when he is with me at my house. 

And am I also to understand that you feel it is reasonable to ask the doctor, whom has already said that there is no issue with D transporting or me holding onto his perscription while he is with me, to prescribe a second subscription for me to have at my house.  I will call the Doctor this morning and see what he thinks of this plan and if he agrees I will get his medication and send you the bill.

Now that I feel I have addressed all of your concerns from the previous email and given that D wants to visit with me overnight and I want him to, and given that I will take him to any swim practices he may have, and given that he has toiletries at my house, and given that I will get him any clothes he may need while he is with me because you refuse to send him with what he needs, and given that I have a bed for him to sleep in, and given that I will have a prescription for his medication if possible by this evening – Any other issues that might prevent him from staying with me tonight through Sunday morning?

If not please let me know a good time to pick him up this evening.

I couldn’t take it any more. I wanted to not reply. I wanted to just say, “Fuck You.” He’s saying the same things over and over and over. I think he’s mentally handicapped. That must be what his problem is. All the back pain meds he must be on, mixed with the alcohol I’m sure he’s drinking, he’s killed enough brain cells that he inflicted an impaired mental capacity upon him self. He has become handicapped.

Here is my response. I’m not usually so lengthy in my response, but clearly he’s not understanding. I’m sure this won’t help him be any less stupid, but it was worth a try….

I am not going to send the medication that I have for D to your house. In the event that he forgets it, he won’t have any for when he is home. That is why it is important for you to have your own supply to give him. It is also one of the reasons I am uncomfortable with having him at your house on school nights. He need to take his medication in the morning. He also needs a shower every morning, and to brush his teeth every night. This was part of the treatment plan leading to him getting braces. D needs to be a better and more consistent brusher. It was reported that the last time he stayed over with you on a school night these things did not happen. 

It is also concerning that you’re calling D and talking to him about your plan to have him speak in court. Whether or not that happens has been yet to be determined. I’m not sure why you think it’s a good idea to get him involved and upset over something that is not yet concrete. I would ask that you refrain from discussing adult matters with him. 

I was able to do some research yesterday and found that perhaps when the next medication refill happens, the pharmacy can give me two containers, one for each house. My research also led us to contact the DEA which said two scripts would be better, but other information I saw suggested that regulations for schedule II controlled substances won’t allow one person to have two scripts. I feel like it would benefit you to do some research on this as well. We use the walmart pharmacy and sometimes the rite aid pharmacy. You could call them and see if they’d give out two containers. Also if they could be picked up separately. I feel that this would be the best and easiest avenue. 

No one has ever had a problem with YOU having D’s medication. The issue is, and always has been, the meds we give him at home need to stay at home so they don’t get lost or forgotten. Also, I have already paid for D’s script for the month. I will not be paying for a second script for your house. That will be your responsibility, in the event you are able to get a second script. 

You will need to get him the clothes he needs while he is with you, not because I refuse to let him take his things, but because you are the other parent. Your house is his other home. He needs his own things there. Including a bed that is his, not one he can choose to use, one that is for him, and him alone to use. 

I will agree for you to see D from Friday after school (they have a half day) until Sunday this week. He has swim on Friday from 3:00pm until 4:30pm. He also has diving lessons on Saturday morning at 8:45 until 9:30. We will be attending diving, and can do the transportation for that if you’d rather. I will pick him up at 11am when I drop A off with you on Sunday. 

Please let me know what you find out from the pharmacies. I can schedule his refill as soon as tomorrow. Hopefully, we’ll be able to get the medication issue sorted out sooner rather than later. If you are in agreement, I’ll let D know to plan on getting off the bus at your house on Friday. 

 

I’m sure he’ll respond. Pissed I’m not agreeing. Maybe court will happen on time. Maybe it won’t get postponed. Maybe the wait is almost over…?

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , ,
04 Jun 2013
5 Comments

It never ends

I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried. 

Once we finally agreed on a counselor for the kids, I called him myself to speak with him about the boys, and about how since X wasn’t allowing me to bring either child to any initial appointments, I wanted to know how he gathers information from both parent. We had a lengthy conversation and he was looking forward to X scheduling the appts for the boys. 

Once the appointments were scheduled X emailed me and told me I was to inform D that he would be picked up at school by his father for this appt. He also told me that if I cared to share my concerns with the doctor, that I should email the doctor directly. I didn’t get a chance to do it yesterday, and now it seems I won’t need to. 

I received and email from X this morning that talked about my bad parenting, but then said:
“I have received word from Dr. __________ that after he read my email detailing my concerns and after speaking with you that he feels the issues to complex and time consuming to be able to accept the children.  I will speak with the other Doctor that I emailed you about and see if she is able to see them.”

I can only imagine what kind of bullshit his email was full of. Probably 6-8 pages long detailing all the my inadequacies, and what a detrimental effect they’ve had on him and the kids. Shes a whore! She married a drunk! She locks the kids out and makes them cook their own meals! She REFUSES to let me see my son! Did I mention that she’s a whore!? (That’s my guess anyway – as that is what he sent to the court the first time I asked for a visitation modification.) 

I didn’t agree to the other provider, and told him so. Again. 

His response was:

“Dr. __________ has significant experience in dealing with the children and although not the top choice from the list you provided she seems to be the only qualified option left within the provider list you gave me.  Are you against having a female doctor see the boys?  If she is unacceptable I will need to expand my search to find another like qualified doctor.”

I sent it along to my lawyer and requested this be something we deal with during our status conference on Thursday. I sent X an updated provider list from the insurance website.

His answer, “At this point I have checked on the current list you have given me and there is only one that might work.  That is __________.  I am awaiting his return call.  If after speaking with him I feel he is a good fit for the needs of the boys I will let you know, otherwise I will be going with ________(the provider I have already said I do not agree to, TWICE)  whom is by far the most qualified of all those remaining on the list you gave me.”

Apparently, the part where we have to AGREE is only applicable to decisions that I make. 
Asshole.

Posted in abuse, co-parenting, crazy making, Divorce, parenting, reality and tagged , , , , ,
24 May 2013
11 Comments

What is happening?!

    You can’t make this stuff up. It’s been such a long week. 

    Sent: Monday, May 20, 2013 9:48 AM
    From: Me
    To: Asshat
    Subject: Follow up
    In regards to your suggestion of using Dr. ________________ for a provider, I am in agreement with that and will call to make D an appointment as soon as possible.
    In regards to D’s teeth, again, please feel free to contact his dental office to find out more about the treatment plan we currently have in place for him.
    In regards to your request to extend your time with A to Thursdays at 8 am, I do not agree to that change.

     

    From: Asshat
    To: Me
    Sent: Monday, May 20, 2013 12:54 PM
    Subject: RE: Follow up

    1.  I want to be part of the process for scheduling for D and feel more discussion regarding this needs to take place as was suggested by your attorney.  In light of what I saw last night I have more concerns with what is going on with D beyond what I had originally thought.  If you would like to share what your concerns and issues are with D.  I will be more than happy to engage in a discussion with you regarding mine so that a clear picture can be presented to the psychologist.  Some initial ground rules that I will be insisting on are that D be allowed to enter into sessions without either of us present so that he may feel safe and comfortable in discussing with the doctor his thoughts and feelings.  I have been assured that our individual input can be ascertained prior to both children’s attendance so the doctor may gather important information in regards to his treatment.

    Again, I want to reiterate that I want an active role in D’s treatment and feel we need to discuss concerns and scheduling prior to enrollment.

    2. Is it my understanding that you acknowledge you have not scheduled any orthodontics appointments for D to get fitted for braces?  In addition you are saying that you prefer me to do the scheduling of dental appointments exclusively and without your input?

    I am not sure what dental “treatment” plan you have in place for the children.  Could you please explain what “treatment” plan you have decided on beyond the braces, as you have not informed me of any such plan nor kept me abreast of any such developments?  Does it fall under the same insurance coverage that is represented by the copies of the insurance cards you last emailed to me?

    I am asking for clarification regarding each of these points.

    3.  In regards to A’s time with me, just from an hourly standpoint the current schedule is just over 70 hours a week and to attain 50% of the time would require more.  I am not asking for a significant extension of my time with A, just that we tweek the schedule a bit to reflect A’s position and to move closer to a true 50% split.  Given that A’s preference is to go through Thursday and to have his residence with me it would make more sense to go with the Thursday AM end time.  Your concern, as previously expressed to me was that the change in residence could not be done by you and needed to come from the court.  Changing this schedule would help facilitate this in a much smoother manner for A when we go before the judge.
    Again, and because I have yet to hear from you yet on this – D stated he wanted to stay over the night tonight and that you would drop him off this evening with all of the things he needs for school tomorrow.  What time should I expect him?

     

    From: Me
    Sent: Monday, May 20, 2013 3:03 PM
    To: Asshat
    Subject: Re: Follow up

    I disagree about needing a discussion with you regarding the kids need for counseling. We both agree that they need to go. It would be in their best interest that appointments for them get scheduled as promptly as possible.
    Regarding orthodontics, I do not need you to schedule any appointments. You should contact the dentist to discuss any of the questions you have regarding the treatment plan that we are following.
    I am not comfortable making further changes in the schedule regarding A without input from a counselor and/or court involvement.
    D has asked me to tell you that he does not want to visit you today. He said that when he wants to again, he will let me know, and I can arrange it with you.

    From: Asshat
    To: Me
    Sent: Monday, May 20, 2013 5:50 PM
    Subject: RE: Follow up

    That is interesting that you thought my comments centered on the kids “need for counseling.”  Let me clarify, I was asking about working together regarding issues that should be the focus of the counseling and working together on setting up a schedule.  So am I correct in understanding that you want no part in working with me to develop a schedule for counseling with the children and you plan on moving forward without my input into schedules and goals?

    I spoke with ________ Dental Clinic regarding D’s dental treatment plan.  The office informed me that they mailed you a letter on April 1st, requesting that you choose an orthodontist so that the treatment plan in question could commence but have not heard anything back from you in almost 2 months and therefore the plan has been stalled awaiting your choice.  The lady there also informed me that they do not have current insurance information either and I am not allowed to access any of the specific records of the plan because I am not listed in their files – thus once again I have no access to any particulars of the plan or past treatment records for which you just today suggested I get from them.  So the question for you is, as I had asked in the previous email, what is the status of their insurance?  Also, since it has been two months without you moving forward with this “treatment” plan, maybe you could share with me why D has not had an appointment scheduled and let me know what I can do to make this happen in the next few days?

    I am documenting the fact that once D has returned to you after a visit in which he proclaimed his desire to visit with me this evening, he suddenly has changed his mind about visiting with me tonight just like he did last evening only after you spoke to him – and that you do not plan on encouraging him to visit with me but instead have left the so called “decision” up to him.  By the same rationale as you are invoking here, does your actions regarding visitation with D mean that it will be fine if A decides he does not want to return to visit with you I am free to allow him to stay here until he changes his mind?

     

    From: Me
    Sent: Tuesday, May 21, 2013 8:19 AM
    To: Asshat 
    Subject: Re: Follow up

    We have agreed that the kids need counseling. We have agreed to a counselor. I do not believe any further discussion between you and I is needed at this time regarding this topic. I believe it is more appropriate for us to share our concerns with the provider regarding the children, rather than with each other at this time.
    You called the wrong dentist. Due to the poor care that D was receiving at _______ dental clinic  we changed dentists. You were informed of this in the email I sent you dated 5/9/13. They are now patients at ____________ Dental. I suggested at that time that you call them to discuss any questions you had.
    No, it is not fine for you to keep A beyond the previously agreed upon schedule.

     

    From: Asshat
    To: Me
    Sent: Tuesday, May 21, 2013 12:03 PM
    Subject: RE: Follow up

    I had no idea that the children were receiving poor care at ______dental clinic – because you never discussed it with me prior to taking them nor moving them to a new doctor.  Please tell me what your concerns were with ________dental clinic I would like to know.  Once again, I have indulged the wild goose chase and called ___________ Dental only to find that they suggested to you on May 1st that he see an orthodontist – they have no idea who the orthodontist is, nor any treatment plan for braces, because you have not told them.  I don’t know how to be any clearer with my question – Who is the orthodontist that is going to handle D’s braces and when is he scheduled to have the work done?

    Regarding the counselor, it is fine if you do not wish to discuss your concerns with me.  As I mentioned before the possibility of passing concerns along to the psychiatrist prior to starting treatment was always an option.  Given the fact that your current concerns only seem to have manifested with you after I made it clear that I would no longer accept delays in their treatment it is not surprising that you do not want to share them with me.  I will reiterate that scheduling should be a joint effort here and if you are not willing to work together on this than I will continue with scheduling as the Magistrate concluded I could.  D will need to be available for me to take him to these appointments once I know the doctor’s availability.  Should I not hear back from you, I will give you at least a weeks notice regarding the schedule determined.

    A has informed me that he will be staying with me until at least Thursday.  Should he change his mind and want to stay longer I will let you know.  He is almost 16 now and he is quite capable of making his own decisions in this area – and is quite clear as to what he wants.

     

    From: Me
    Sent: Tuesday, May 21, 2013 1:45 PM
    To: Asshat
    Subject: Re: Follow up

    The dentist told me that he would not recommend putting braces on D’s teeth until A. All his cavities are filled (which ________ dental clinic never even informed us that he had any cavities or else they would have been filled much sooner, and perhaps some of them could have been prevented). B. D needs to be a more consistent better brusher. He has had 3 cavities filled, he is scheduled to have 2 more in June, then the final ones will be scheduled after that. Once all the cavities are filled, we will then make an appt. with Dr. _______ in _______. If you would like to help pay for any portion of the out of pocket expenses that are incurred with all these procedures, please feel free to help out in that way. Otherwise, you can continue to contact the dental office directly with any other questions or concerns that you may have.

    While we agree that the kids need counseling, and have agreed on a provider, we still do not agree on who should be responsible for scheduling and transportation. We can wait for a resolution to this issue when it is heard by the magistrate.

    As for A. Yes, he is almost 16, and he is capable of making a variety of decisions. However, as his parents, the agreement that we already have established needs to remain in effect.

    From: Asshat
    Sent: Tuesday, May 21, 2013 3:06 PM
    To: Me
    Subject: RE: Follow up

    The fact that he needs so many cavities filled is not preventing you from getting the ball moving in terms of scheduling appointments now for braces.  If you have a problem with doing this I will follow the directions of the office and schedule the appointments now.  I am not interested in waiting any longer for you to do this on your own time table as you have had three years to do it and have balked at every chance to do so.  It is only now that we are engaged in the legal process that things seem to be moving forward.  If _______ is the orthodontist I will call him tomorrow and schedule an appointment to start the process.  If you have an issue with transportation I have no problem doing it.  As for the payment of the medical costs, you assumed responsibility for them when you devised the particulars of the divorce.  Given my state of mind at that point, as you are and were well aware, I had no part other than agreeing to ALL of your divorce agreement demands at that point and I have no intention of changing the specific medical responsibilities that I agreed to in 2010.

    Additionally, I am not interested in what appears to me to be you stalling the counseling process any longer.  You wanted no part in dealing with this and left the process exclusively to me the last time we discussed this before the magistrate in February.  I have tried to work with you in good faith per one of your attorney’s suggestions, but at this point it just seems to be another instance of you attempting to sidetrack the process to the detriment of the children.  You have had three years to make this happen as I have continually asked, suggested, and pleaded that you get them the counseling they need.  I see no benefit to the children in waiting any longer.  I will be scheduling the initial appointments and will let you know when they are if you want me to.

    As far as I know A will be returning to you on Thursday after school, unless he changes his mind before that time.  It seems sad at this point that this is the situation, but I am having a hard time explaining to him why D whom we also had an agreement of shared 50/50 custody in place and which is currently not being honored, is allowed to get “his” supposed way with visitation and A, who is considerably older, is not.  I will attempt to insist that he at least spend part of the week with you, because I feel that is his best interest, but at this point I cannot guarantee what he will want to do.

     

    From:  Asshat
    To: Me
    Sent: Thursday, May 23, 2013 2:45 PM
    Subject: RE: Follow up

    I have spoken with Dr.______ (orthodontist) office and they had no idea who you were and had no record of any contact with you regarding D and setting up an appointment for him.  I have given them all of the information needed to get this moving for D.  Sept. 12 – 11:00 at Dr. ________ office.  The cost will be 150.00 total and your responsibility – no insurance is accepted for the first visit and he will need a special type of x-ray at this visit unless you have already had one taken.  They seemed unconcerned by the fact that D still had cavities that needed to be filled and regardless there is plenty of time between now and then to get it done based on what you told me.  There is the possibility of an earlier slot in the event that another patient cancels as well.

    I have also made the call to Dr. ________(pschiatrist) office and am currently just waiting to see which time will be available next week – either Wed or Thurs at 11 or 1 are the times I was given but I am not sure they are still the correct ones at this time.  If you have a preference to one or the other feel free to let me know.  I think it best to alternate the days so the boys are not going at the same time too, and welcome your input.

    If these appointments are an issue for you I can transport them for the above listed, you will just need to let me know ahead of time.

     

    From: Me
    Sent: Thursday, May 23, 2013 2:14 PM
    To: Asshat
    Subject: Re: Follow up

    Thank you for calling the psychologist. If you would like to make an appt for A with Dr. _______, you should feel free to do that for a time when you are able to transport him yourself. While you are at that appt you can speak to the provider about your concerns for both children.

    I will make an appt for D for next week around my work and his school schedule, and will speak to the doctor myself about my concerns for both children.

    Thank you for making the appt for D with the orthodontist.

     

    From: Asshat
    To: Me 
    Sent: Thursday, May 23, 2013 9:56 PM
    Subject: RE: Follow up

    Just so we are clear, I am not asking you to make any appointments for them.  You made it clear that you did not wish to do so anytime soon.  Additionally, you seem to have some notion that I am only responsible for A and you are only responsible for D.  You are incorrect if that is your assumption.  I will be part of both of their counseling and if you want input as to when they should be scheduled than I suggest you tell me, but I will be scheduling this initial appointment for them and will let you know when it is if you have no preference.  Working together for the best interests of both children is the goal here – and me being an active participant is also in their best interests.  I am no longer leaving this for you to handle because recent and past experience has left me not trusting you to follow through and for some reason there appears to me that you have ulterior motives beyond the best interests of the children – otherwise why would you go out of your way to continually attempt to make this process longer, deny me access to D based on false pretenses, and at the same time continue to suggest that I am in some way a danger to my own child.  If you wish to share your concerns with Dr.________ I am sure you may do so by requesting the proper paperwork from his office or by going there yourself and talking to him personally.

    Again the times available, as far as I know at this time, for the initial consultation with the children are Wed and Thurs with 2 slots each day – 11am and 1pm.  Please feel free to let me know if you have a preference for future scheduling times and I will convey them to the Doctor.  I will be picking A and D up from school and transporting him to and from this initial appointment.  We can work out a set schedule of who transports whom after the first one unless I do not hear back from you before then.

    Please feel free to explain again why the orthodontist appointment could not be made sooner?  If there is no legitimate reason, I will entertain any early appointment slots that might open up due to other patient cancellations and take him as soon as they can get him in.

    I will also convey to you that part of my brief time with D was spent discussing his new school and his transition there.  Just so you are aware, it has been very hard for him and it is apparent that he is still having lots of difficulty with his new surroundings, as should have been expected having transferred so late in the year.  I would like to know what specific steps you actually took to ensure that the new school staff was made aware of D’s needs and preferences as a student like you mentioned to me you were going to do when you told me you were moving him.  This information will be helpful prior to meeting with the educational staff that work with D.

     

    Re: Follow up
    From: Me
    To: Asshat
    Sent: Today

    I have called Dr. ________ office and asked for clarification regarding these initial appointments and how to best to facilitate them.

    If you have questions regarding D’s school performance and transition, please feel free to call the School and speak to them directly.

     

     

    Read more…

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , ,
06 Dec 2012
4 Comments

Christmas 2011

It occurred to me that I never wrote about what happened last Christmas. I’ve learned A LOT about how to deal with a crazy person since a year ago. I hope last year was the worst year, and it will just continue to get easier the more we understand.

Christmas Day the kids were to be with their father. I planned our celebration so that the kids would have Christmas “day” with me on Christmas eve day. They opened presents a day early, had a nice big meal, etc. It was a lovely day.

The next morning I got the kids up and dressed, ready to take them to the store to meet their father so he could take them for Christmas. As the car was warming up the phone rang. A answered it. After he hung up he said that dad wants the boys dropped off at the store, and I’m to leave, and once I’m gone, A can call him and he’ll drive down and get them. Its 5 degrees out. The kids are bringing a bunch of stuff with them. The store is closed. No. I am not doing that. Then A said, if you don’t agree to that, then dad said you can call us a cab. I laughed. No. I’m not doing that either.

So I called the ex and said “Would it be better if I just dropped them off at your mother’s house with you? I’m not leaving them in a parking lot.”  After a long silence he said “No, fine, we’ll stick with what the court says.” I said “ok great, we’ll see you in a few minutes.”

We got everyone in the car and off we went. We got to the store and he wasn’t there. We waited. And waited. A called him, told him we were waiting, then the call got dropped.  We waited some more. Eventually we saw his car drive by the store, and park at the church, across the street, diagonally to the store parking lot we were waiting at.

We waited a little more, then I called him. A said “put it on speaker phone” so, like a dummy,  I did. “Why can’t you get it through your head?! I don’t want ANYTHING to do with you! NOT EVER!” I couldn’t get the speaker phone off quickly enough…once I did I calmly said “Ok, but we’re waiting over here, so you have to come over here and pick them up, I’m not leaving them here.” He screamed “YES! YOU ARE! I can see them from here! Once you’re gone, I’ll drive over and get them.” I said “No, you need to come over here and get your children.” And he hung up on me. We waited some more.

Eventually he drove over and parked behind the store. I helped the kids unload the back of the car with all their things, gave them hugs and told them I loved them and I knew they’d have a GREAT Christmas with dad! D said “This is a crappy way to start the day” I told him it was, but that it would get better.

I drove home and cried and hoped the kid’s would have a good time.

My husband and I watched Season 1 of The Walking Dead then went out for Chinese food. It was starting to snow. It was a quiet day, nice to be without the boys for a bit, but I was really hoping they were having a fun time.

Once we got home D called. He said he didn’t want to spend the night. He said he wasn’t having fun. I tried to cheer him up, I told him he needed to talk to dad himself about not wanting to spend the night, that I couldn’t just come get him. This was his time with dad. He said he was scared and didn’t want to talk to dad, that dad would just holler at him. Then D started to cry. A lot. I felt so helpless. I told D that I loved him and that if dad said it was ok that I’d come get him.

10 minutes later A called back, “Dad says for you to come get D.” I told him “ok”. I then called the X to verify this. A answered. “I need to talk to your dad.” A said “he doesn’t want to talk to you.” “Ugh fine. I’m going to call back and leave a message then.” I got his voice mail. I left a message saying “A said you wanted me to come pick D up, if this is NOT accurate, please call me ASAP.”

It was snowing a lot now. I left to go get my child. When I pulled into their driveway D came out of the house with all the things he’d brought with him, plus a few presents. Tears were pouring down his face. He threw all his stuff into the back seat, got in the front and started BAWLING. I told him it was all going to be ok, and tried to find out what happened.

Apparently after presents got opened dad went to play video games with A, leaving D to play with legos by himself. After a few times of asking to play with them, and being told no, to go play by himself, that this was dad’s time with A, D decided he didn’t want to spend the night. After calling me the first time, then telling dad he didn’t want to spend the night dad got really angry and said “FINE! Go then!” Then the X’s mom, known to my kids as “mannie” told D that he was making a very bad choice wanting to leave, and he was making his dad very sad.

Once we got home we tried to distract D as much as we could. We played some games and when it was bed time D was crying and upset. He wanted to sleep on the couch, he said he didn’t deserve to sleep in his bed. He had no idea why dad didn’t want to spend time with him, but wanted to spend all kinds of time with A.

After this I tried to email the X suggesting we work on a different schedule for D so that they could see each other but one that wouldn’t require overnights.

From: Stacey
To: X
Sent: Sun, Dec 25, 2011 
Subject: FYI

X,

I would like to remind you of the importance of communicating directly with me.

Regarding scheduling, including; pick up / drop off time and location, all communication needs to be between you and I exclusively. I fully understand you would prefer not to speak with me, however, as it pertains to our children, it does them no good to have you refuse to participate in very basic communication with their mother.  

If you would rather not answer my phone calls, I’m perfectly capable to leave you a voice mail, its inappropriate for A to answer your phone to let me know you don’t want to talk to me. That’s not his job, that is your job…which can be done by simply not answering your phone.

As far as D not wanting to spend the night, that is a phone call that you needed to have made to me, not him. Then we could have talked about alternate solutions, or you could have let me that your time with D was being cut short. 

Perhaps we should come up with a modified schedule for him so that he can spend time with you, but doesn’t spend the night, as it makes him uncomfortable? I’m happy to work with you about this, if its something you would like to pursue, please let me know.

Also, regarding drop and pickup, I will not leave the children without you there to pick them up at the time. This is not to happen again like it did this morning.

Hope you all had a lovely holiday.

Stacey

And then I sent this one the next day:

From: Stacey
To: X
Subject: D
Sent: Mon, Dec 26, 2011 11:27:53 PM 

X,

You never got back to me about working on a modified schedule for D. I’m not sure why, I would have thought that would have jumped at the chance to find a way to spend time with him. 

All the same, I took it upon myself to talk to him and try to work out some kind of solution to this, so that he has time to see his father. After talking at length with D today, he has agreed to spend Tuesday and Wednesday days with you, as long as he gets to come home in the evening and not have to spend the night. If this is something you can agree to, I can drop him off at the store with you at 7:30am and pick him up at the store at 5pm. He has also said that he would be ok to go with you and A next Sunday and spend the night, coming home Monday evening. 

If you agree to this, please reply to this email this evening, so I’ll have him ready to drop off tomorrow morning. 

I didn’t get a reply that evening. He didn’t respond until the next afternoon.

From: X
To: ME
Sent: Tue, Dec 27, 2011 01:09:39 GMT+00:00
Subject: Re: D

I jumped on a plane and traveled 1900 miles to see them. He stayed long enough to open his present, watch a movie and put together his legos. D has made it clear that this house makes him uncomfortable, I certainly don’t want to cause him anymore undue hardship given all that he has been put through. If he wants a relationship with me I am here, but forcing it is not appropriate given his fragile state. He does need to understand before he decides to come here that I have no more money to spend on him. Time with me will not be spent exclusively on him as A deserves equal time from me. I have no vehicle for pickup and drop off outside the pre-determined schedule. A store drop off will not happen until Wed. At 5. This is the schedule that you took me to court to get and I have no way to change accomodations at this point. He can call me and let me know if and when he will be here.

I let him know that D did not want to speak to him, but rather would email him. The next day I got this email

From: X
To: Me
Sent: Wed, Dec 28, 2011 21:46:07 GMT+00:00
Subject: Re: D

This is another blown opportunity (not literally this time, but figuratively speaking) on your part in regards to your son. Pretty sad.

FYI – D didn’t ask to call you, nor did he have permission or my blessing to leave early.
This was before I realized I was being baited into conversations. My response was:

From: Stacey
To: X
Subject: Re: D
Sent: Wed, Dec 28, 2011 10:09:00 PM 

If you didn’t tell D to call me then I guess when I called you to confirm,  you should have answered your phone. Or responded to the voice mail i left you. You should also know that A also called me and told me to pick D up.  If you wanted to have A longer, you should have talked to me about options before you got here. Its not A’s job to ask for more time with you from me,  its yours, you are the parent, not him.

This was a terrible holiday for all of us. It was stressful. X didn’t bring A back when he said he would, I went to the store and waited. When I called A to see what the deal was, he had no idea that I’d not been informed that he was staying with dad another night. D saw his dad one more time during that week. D told me afterwards that everything dad did with them seemed fake. He also said the kids weren’t allowed to talk about me or the things they do at home. If they did dad said he didn’t want to hear it.

Since then D hasn’t seen his dad, and has talked to him exactly 4 times on the phone.

Posted in abuse, co-parenting, crazy making, Divorce, kids, long distance parenting, parenting and tagged , , , ,
15 Nov 2012
14 Comments

He’s such a bad parent. Seriously.

Dad
8:59pm
whats up my man?

A
8:59pm

chillin at home
you

Dad
8:59pm
You need to pick one girl and try to stay focused… just saying

A
8:59pm
hahahaha nah

Dad
9:00pm
at the pool and sauna trying to plan my next international travel destination, heading to the library to finish a take home mid term in a bit and then round out the night at the gym!! woohoo

A
9:00pm
you back in sd

Dad
9:01pm
yeah got back last night
was a very busy weekend

A
9:01pm
nice

Dad
9:01pm
I must have viewed 15 different apartment buildings
ugh

A
9:01pm
where abouts

Dad
9:02pm
oh here and there – probably should keep that on the down low cause we are obviously being monitored
lol

A
9:02pm
lol

Dad
9:02pm
so whats new in your world?
anything note worthy?

A
9:03pm
not really

Dad
9:04pm
what does that mean?

A
9:04pm
that nothing has happened lol
my lifes boring
i might go to mass with michael for thanksgiving

Dad
9:04pm
oh really

A
9:04pm
if i am id be leaving this weekend, but im going out friday and saturday night so itd probably be sunday

Dad
9:05pm
and why is it that you are going again?
to leave the state, and I get no heads up?

A
9:05pm
because this is his first thanksgiving without his dad
this is your heads up, im not even sure if im going yet

Dad
9:06pm
yeah it isnt something that should be coming from you though. I thought mom was in Eddington and Dad lived in Mass

A
9:07pm
correct, but the family michael prefers is in mass and he’s gone down there every year for like 6 years now

Dad
9:07pm
very sad…

A
9:07pm
yes

Dad
9:07pm
hows he been doing?
hows he been doing
I really wish you wanted to move someplace warm!!!

A
9:10pm
hes been alright and i do… after high school lol

Dad
9:19pm
yeah but where??

A
9:21pm
san diego, hawii, california, australia, i dont know

Dad
9:23pm
owwee, so my two choices for travel this next time are 1. Germany down through eastern europe and end in Greece OR 2. New Zealand, Australia up through Thailand and Cambodia. What do you think?

A
9:24pm
stop by austraillia, mr merritt said he loved it when he went there. i think it would be an enjoyable adventure

Dad
9:26pm
yeah me too. I think this next time though I am going to do something called Helpx or woofing. Look em up if you want, but it seems like it would be that much more of an adventure and a great way to get to know people while seeing the world!

A
9:26pm
I WANT TO COME THIS TIME.
ill keep you from getting robbed
because you have a weakness for attractive girls grinding on you in the subway

Dad
9:27pm
DUDE, get a job and save up some money. It would be a blast
don’t I know it
lol

A
9:27pm
dude, pay for me.

Dad
9:27pm
they don’t even need to be on the subway.
screw that, I will chip in but you need a little sweat equity in it or you will not appreciate it as much

A
9:28pm
im sure i will appreciate it

Dad
9:28pm
I actually was thinking it would be nice to go with you over to Europe when you graduate
that would be killer!!

A
9:29pm
start savin grand pere

Dad
9:29pm
spend a whole summer over there just traveling around with every one else

A
9:29pm
you start savin, and ill start making plans

Dad
9:29pm
I am serious though, if you want to go you need to work towards it.

A
9:29pm
im workin hard
im planning ahead
step 1 complete

Dad
9:30pm
I don’t mind taking you and covering a lot of costs but you need to have some skin in the game

A
9:30pm
step 2 is collect all the money from you

Dad
9:30pm
RIGHTTTTT
lol

A
9:30pm
ive got 70 cents in my pocket
hows that?

Dad
9:30pm
that is not much, but on the bright side it is a start 🙂
why dont you get a job
I had a couple when I was your age
not that I am comparing because it is certainly a different world today
but…

A
9:31pm
because i have no way to get back and forth considering who my mom is
and if certified adults cant get jobs what makes you think me, who has no job history can

Dad
9:31pm
get a car. Start with a clunker
oh BS
there are jobs out ther, it just takes some hustle and a willingness to take whatever job you can get
lots of people don’t want to do that

A
9:32pm
true

Dad
9:32pm
you want me to find you a job?
haha

A
9:33pm
no, i actually think i can work for 950 at michaels house in the shop if i really had the time and such
but the hours would blow cock.
id have to work from when i got out of school til 9 every day lol

Dad
9:33pm
watch your mouth. and thats what I am talking about – if you want it bad enough make it happen
you could easily have a couple grand by next spring – more than enough to go anywhere I do
provided that you are given permission to do so
😦

A
9:34pm
ill just save up i guess

Dad
9:34pm
exactly
don
dont wait for someone else to do it for you or some windfall casue that shit never happens
and then you are 34 years old and realize just how much of the world you actually were missing… so to speak!

A
9:35pm
lol

Dad
9:37pm
not sure what I can do for christmas this year or where I will be but do you have something you would like?

A
9:37pm
be back in maine
you probably dont have money for an ipad
but thats what id want
and mom said she wants to buy me the shittier version of that
but i dont want a shittier version i want an ipad

Dad
9:38pm
haha, well I am thinking I will be. I have a friend to stop off and see for a few days in Boston first
you will get the shittiest one available…

A
9:39pm
no she wants to buy me something completely different that could possibly be compared to an ipad

Dad
9:39pm
do you see how much those freaking things are?

A
9:39pm
for all i care you can go to ebay or goodwill or anything as long as its an actual “iapd”

Dad
9:39pm
lol

Dad
9:47pm
yeah 400 bucks is a bit much bud
I will keep checking but if she is going to buy you one then let her

A
9:47pm
alright

Dad
9:48pm
and how is your brother doing. I never hear from him so I have no idea

A
9:48pm
hes good
still adicted to the computer

Dad
9:49pm
also sad

A
9:49pm
very

Dad
9:49pm
alright I need to go get some shit done. Back in a little while though 🙂 ttyl
try deleting this will ya!

A
9:50pm
ok

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , ,
02 Nov 2012
6 Comments

Pity me, I live in CrazyTown.

So after the response I got from the X yesterday taking a giant leap into CrazyTown, I had to think about how I wanted to respond. Clearly I’d like to point out that no lawyer in their right mind would say the stupid crap he’s saying about terminating his rights. Clearly this is all for show. Otherwise, had he done his research about this topic, (like I have) he’d know that in order to give up his rights, he needs someone willing to take his place. The kids would need to be adopted by someone else as their “father”. So, this was just him whining, wanting to be pitied, wanting me to say “Oh no no, YOU’RE their father!” I’m out of the Making It All Better Business in regards to him. Rather, my response was:

_________________

From: ME
To: X
Subject: Re: resolution

No where did I suggest that you terminate all of your parental rights and responsibilities.
As I am sure you are aware, court orders need to be modified from time to time. Based on the issues we’ve experienced with the current court orders as far as notification and visitation, we wish to have language in place to ensure the kids have consistency and adult matters are kept between the adults.

_________________

After I sent it, I didn’t know what to expect. Was he going to come raging back about what a whore I am? How all my “past actions” have denied me the opportunity to “ever be trusted again!”? You know, the usual talking points I get in response when I ask for something. If not that, then likely, I wouldn’t hear anything at all. However, a few short hours later, this is his answer:

_________________

From: X
To: ME
Subject: RE: resolution

True. I am aware of quite a bit more now, than I was a few years ago.
_________________

I’ve done this long enough now to know that this is manipulation. This is “talk to me , press for what you want, engage me in conversation.” This email made me more uncomfortable than I’d been in a long time in dealing with him. I can handle the screaming, the name calling, the shitting all over my parenting and life choices. But this, this is just dripping with ‘pity me’. Blech!

Looks like negotiations are over.

Posted in abuse, child support, co-parenting, crazy making, long distance parenting, parenting and tagged , , , ,
01 Nov 2012
4 Comments

Where does he come up with this?

As you all know, I served the X with modification papers. After nearly a month, he was finally served. I let him know that I would be willing to negotiate prior to a case management hearing. I had the idea that if he gave me what I wanted, I’d take child support off the table. I figured he’d use me waiting for a response as a power play. I didn’t think I’d hear back from him so quickly. Here is the email exchange:

From: ME
To: X
Subject: Re: resolution

Visitation for D to be changed to “reasonable times” to allow him more freedom in making decisions about visitation / overnights. This would not apply to the alternating holiday schedule already in place.

A change in visitation schedule to Sunday at 9am to Wednesday at 3pm. Pick up and drop off remains at the Tradewinds Store. When they are with you, it is your responsibility to be sure they get to school and any extra-curricular activities they are participating in at that time.

When I receive 7 day notice that you intend to use the Sunday-Wednesday schedule, I will be sure to forward you any activity schedules they have.

All communication regarding scheduling time with the kids outside of normal Sunday-Wednesday schedule is to be done with me via email or text message. Not with the kids.

All communication regarding any scheduling or transportation issues for the Sunday-Wednesday schedule is to be done with me via email or text message. Not with the kids.

I am requesting all medical rights and responsibilities be allocated to me for both kids.

In the event that you are staying somewhere besides your mother’s house in Clifton, pickup and drop off location can be altered to accommodate a halfway point for both of us, but that is something that you would need to communicate with me about at least 7 days in advance.

Child support will remain at $0.00

His response:

From: X
To: ME
Subject: RE: resolution 

This sounds like you want me to terminate all of my parental rights including those agreed upon in the divorce agreement, does this also mean you wish for me to complete the process by terminating my parental responsibilities?
_________________________________
I’m guessing someone told him that the only way to NOT have to pay child support is to terminate your parental rights? Or he’s baiting me into saying YES! LEAVE US ALL THE HELL ALONE! so he can show A what he’s been saying all along, that I don’t want the kids to have him as their father. Regardless of what I want, he IS their father, and I can’t do anything to change that.
Posted in abuse, child support, co-parenting, court forms, crazy making, Divorce, kids, long distance parenting, parenting, reality and tagged , , , , ,
30 Oct 2012

Monday Revelation

I spent a long time being exhausted. They say that when you’re made to feel crazy all of the time, it causes your brain to work over time, making you, well…exhausted.

Anyway, I found a site yesterday that included a very long list of common things people who are involved with someone like my ex might hear from them, and then below it, what it really means. 40% of that list I’d heard word for word. Another 30% I’d heard some variation of.

It felt weird to have so many of the crazy things I’d heard at one time or another – over the course of a decade, all in one place. These aren’t the kinds of things I’d necessarily remember hearing, as it happened everyday, every conversation, all the time….I do, however, remember being shoved to the ground, I do remember being choked until I passed out during sex a number of times, I do remember being raped….but for some reason, I was able to, like many women, justify this. It was a one time thing, he thought I was into it, he didn’t know better… However, this massive list of things he’d say simply to keep me off balance, to keep me feeling nuts, to stay in control, good lord, this was ABUSE. For all those years, he managed to control me and my kids by making us feel guilty and crazy and unsure. Meanwhile, I’d try harder, I’d be nicer, I’d try to pay less attention to his temper tantrums and outbursts. I made excuses, I thought there was something wrong with me, I became whatever he wanted in any given moment, just to keep the peace….A just to feel like I was good enough. Turns out, there’s no such thing.

Over the last two years, I’ve become  aware that I was in an abusive relationship. But I sitting here reading this list yesterday, I really started grasping that I WAS ABUSED. Well, now, that’s quite a revelation for a Monday.

I’m understanding just how text book it was. It wasn’t special. I’ve realized that for all my trying, all my effort, all my wanting to be a good wife, to create a happy, stable, safe family – THAT is what he fed off of. That is where his control came from. I didn’t do anything wrong. And most importantly, I couldn’t have done anything to change it other than to leave.

So now what?

Side note, this song is playing on my pandora as I’m getting ready to send this along to the internet

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IPZuYwYxnL4

Posted in abuse, crazy making, Divorce and tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

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