Looking Forward

Making a better life for me and my kids

Archive for the tag “counseling”

19 May 2014
3 Comments

No hot water

Asshat has not spoken to D since February 22nd. 

D’s counselor informed us last week that asshat had called him the week before. Asshat wanted to see how D has been doing. Counselor reported that D is doing well. D will occasionally talk about his father, but normally only when the counselor is the one to bring it up. He also reported to asshat that D currently has no motivation for reunification with his father. This seemed to anger asshat as while the counselor was telling us about it, his voice changed. It became that voice we all use when retelling words from someone we have no respect for. The counselor used his ‘asshat voice’ and said the response was: “I’ll have to send you an email about this! I’ll have to email you later!” The counselor said “Go for it.” However asshat did not ever send an email. The counselor asked me, “has dad made any attempts to contact? Phone calls? Emails? Text messages? Anything?” I shook my head and said, “Nope, nothing.” He raised his eyebrows and made a face. It made me wonder what asshat had told him.

A was with us last week and this weekend. He said that asshat still does not have any hot water. “If you want hot water, you need to boil it” he said. I asked A if that what he’d been doing. He said, “No, I don’t have time for that in the morning before school.” He said that he’s been showering at my house. Every day after school A gets off the bus at my house and takes a shower. I didn’t realize this was the ONLY shower he’s taking. I asked, “does dad have a plan to GET hot water?” A said that dad says he doesn’t need it. When he was in china a lot of places didn’t have hot water. A said, “I told him, well I’ve never been to China soooo…..” I said, “But when it gets to be winter, the pipes will freeze….” A said he was under the impression that dad would be selling the house before then. 

Lets hope he does and gets my name off that damn loan! He’s 30 days past due with the payment….again.

Husband and I are off on Thursday to Philadelphia for a few days. Husband turned 40 this year so I thought we’d take a nice little kid-free trip to celebrate. I’m really looking forward to getting out of here for a few days!

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , ,
18 Feb 2014
2 Comments

Nice and quiet

Things have been calm here since the order. A was feeling very frustrated with his dad’s lack of ability to parent. It wasn’t too big of a deal when they lived in town…but being out in the woods, away from his friends, and school, needing a ride everywhere – A’s patience wore thin. Before the order, A called and asked me to come get him on Tuesday, rather than Thursday. It was fine with me to have him here a couple extra days. On Sunday, X came to pick A up (30 minutes late) and took him back to the woods. 

On Monday A called me from school asking me to go pick him up. Of course I did, and on the way back to my house (where I thought X was going to pick him up after work) A informed me that dad hadn’t gone to work that day, he’d stayed home to study for the bar exam. Also, dad said he may or may not have the gas money to be able to drive back in town to get A back home. After several text messages and unanswered phone calls, A decided, even though he didn’t have his materials for classes the next day, he would like to stay with me for the rest of the week. 

By Thursday X managed to stop by the house to drop off A’s school materials he’d asked for on Monday. Sigh. 

Saturday A and his friend got on a bus to Boston to go visit the friends family for February vacation. A will be back on Sunday, and rumor is that he’d like me to pick him up at the bus station, bring him to my house, then maybe dad will pick him up from there in the afternoon. Who really knows? Not me, that’s for sure. 

X has un-friended A on Facebook – I suspect in an attempt to keep me from seeing his page? Hard to tell. Funny thing though, girlfriend is friends with A so I can see her page just fine. She got roses on Valentines day. “#gotagoodman”  and “#grateful365” she wrote. This made me do some form of laughing, feeling sad and throwing up in my mouth a little all at once. She also thinks Facebook works like twitter I guess. 

Meanwhile, neither D or I have heard from X. Not a whisper. D is still going to counseling. Today the counselor asked, “So any word from dad lately?” D answered, “nope.” The counselor talked about how seeing dad is D’s choice, and how he might wish, when he’s older, that he made a different choice about trying to reach out to his dad. D’s response “That’s a one in a million chance. I doubt it.” D likes this counselor, but its hard when its clear that he just doesn’t understand what kind of person X really is. But, like the rest of us, he’ll just have to figure it out on his own I guess.

We’ve made plans to head to Florida with the boys in March. We are all very much looking forward to it. Its been so cold and so much snow here lately, we’re all ready for a break from it. 

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , ,
17 Oct 2013
12 Comments

He’s so frustrated.

Meanwhile, in Crazytown, X updated his FB status “So frustrated.”
Yeah?
You are?
Really?
Join the fucking club.
GF was right there, “Big hugs…keep doing what you can and know that you’re right.”
She doesn’t understand that its not a matter of being “right.” For him its a matter for feeling powerful and controlling people (mainly Me and the Kids). 

I’ve talked to D at length about the counselor he sees right now. D doesn’t like him. Two sessions ago D didn’t utter a single word for a whole hour. Shrugged. Mumbled. Said, “I don’t know.” That was it. For an hour. We have been to 8 sessions so far. I don’t feel that D is any different then when we first started taking him. D doesn’t like it. I don’t like it. The counselor is sooo wishy washy…. “Do you want to come back again? Next week? Two weeks? More?” I talked to D and told him we can look for a different person who is maybe a better fit. D said ‘YES! PLEASE!’ He says this counselor is just “fake nice”. So, I asked how he’d feel about the previous counselor he saw, Mr. C.  
D said that if he had to go to counseling, that he’d rather see him. 

Yesterday I informed X that D needs a different counselor. This guy is not a good match for him and we need to consider D’s request to see the previous counselor. 

X sent me this:

I disagree.  From what I have gathered, counseling for him has been nothing more than an option in the past and that fact alone may help explain why counseling has never lasted this long and why he continues to struggle with the same issues.  It needs to stop being an option and D needs to understand that Dr. O’s reports on progress will determine when he is done.   Just as a son or daughter is not generally given the opportunity to just refuse to have a cavity filled unless he gets the dentist that he personally wants, D should not be allowed to exclusively dictate who he sees for counseling and when. 

Confronting difficult issues not previously addressed and working on healing needs to be D’s goal now.  As I have stated previously that is not going to happen overnight nor is it something that is going to come easily for a traumatized 13 year old who continues to be scared of saying or doing anything that might rock the boat. 

Might I suggest a more positive approach with D in regards to counseling with Dr. O is needed.  Maybe bribing him to go should no longer be used.  I might also suggest that you never again go into the room with him during his sessions.  But most importantly, maybe you could reassure him that it is ok for him to say whatever he wants and express his feelings to Dr. O however he chooses to.  

Doing the right thing right now ensures that D gets all the help he needs now.  When you suggest to me that he be allowed to once again change his counselor, it makes me feel like you are encouraging him to give up when he is confronted with lifes challenges and that always walking away is the better option – that is not what I want my son to think or feel.  As his father, I believe staying the course is the best thing in the long run for D regardless of whether it makes me out to be the bad guy or not.  

I do not consent to D changing counselors again.      

Feel free to allow him to visit with me and I will be more than happy to discuss the subject with him myself.

 

I replied, if you want D in counseling, it will be with Mr. C. I will be ending services with Dr. O on Monday.

His response: 

We both agreed to counseling with Dr. O.

I have not recieved a single report yet from Dr. O that suggests that counseling for D should stop with him.

Once again you are deciding to make a major medical decision without my consent – frustrating the directive of the court and wasting my time throughout the summer trying to work with you and within your insurance network. 

The one who will continue to suffer is D 

So yes, Asshole. I agree, I too am “So Frustrated.” 

 

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , ,
24 May 2013
11 Comments

What is happening?!

    You can’t make this stuff up. It’s been such a long week. 

    Sent: Monday, May 20, 2013 9:48 AM
    From: Me
    To: Asshat
    Subject: Follow up
    In regards to your suggestion of using Dr. ________________ for a provider, I am in agreement with that and will call to make D an appointment as soon as possible.
    In regards to D’s teeth, again, please feel free to contact his dental office to find out more about the treatment plan we currently have in place for him.
    In regards to your request to extend your time with A to Thursdays at 8 am, I do not agree to that change.

     

    From: Asshat
    To: Me
    Sent: Monday, May 20, 2013 12:54 PM
    Subject: RE: Follow up

    1.  I want to be part of the process for scheduling for D and feel more discussion regarding this needs to take place as was suggested by your attorney.  In light of what I saw last night I have more concerns with what is going on with D beyond what I had originally thought.  If you would like to share what your concerns and issues are with D.  I will be more than happy to engage in a discussion with you regarding mine so that a clear picture can be presented to the psychologist.  Some initial ground rules that I will be insisting on are that D be allowed to enter into sessions without either of us present so that he may feel safe and comfortable in discussing with the doctor his thoughts and feelings.  I have been assured that our individual input can be ascertained prior to both children’s attendance so the doctor may gather important information in regards to his treatment.

    Again, I want to reiterate that I want an active role in D’s treatment and feel we need to discuss concerns and scheduling prior to enrollment.

    2. Is it my understanding that you acknowledge you have not scheduled any orthodontics appointments for D to get fitted for braces?  In addition you are saying that you prefer me to do the scheduling of dental appointments exclusively and without your input?

    I am not sure what dental “treatment” plan you have in place for the children.  Could you please explain what “treatment” plan you have decided on beyond the braces, as you have not informed me of any such plan nor kept me abreast of any such developments?  Does it fall under the same insurance coverage that is represented by the copies of the insurance cards you last emailed to me?

    I am asking for clarification regarding each of these points.

    3.  In regards to A’s time with me, just from an hourly standpoint the current schedule is just over 70 hours a week and to attain 50% of the time would require more.  I am not asking for a significant extension of my time with A, just that we tweek the schedule a bit to reflect A’s position and to move closer to a true 50% split.  Given that A’s preference is to go through Thursday and to have his residence with me it would make more sense to go with the Thursday AM end time.  Your concern, as previously expressed to me was that the change in residence could not be done by you and needed to come from the court.  Changing this schedule would help facilitate this in a much smoother manner for A when we go before the judge.
    Again, and because I have yet to hear from you yet on this – D stated he wanted to stay over the night tonight and that you would drop him off this evening with all of the things he needs for school tomorrow.  What time should I expect him?

     

    From: Me
    Sent: Monday, May 20, 2013 3:03 PM
    To: Asshat
    Subject: Re: Follow up

    I disagree about needing a discussion with you regarding the kids need for counseling. We both agree that they need to go. It would be in their best interest that appointments for them get scheduled as promptly as possible.
    Regarding orthodontics, I do not need you to schedule any appointments. You should contact the dentist to discuss any of the questions you have regarding the treatment plan that we are following.
    I am not comfortable making further changes in the schedule regarding A without input from a counselor and/or court involvement.
    D has asked me to tell you that he does not want to visit you today. He said that when he wants to again, he will let me know, and I can arrange it with you.

    From: Asshat
    To: Me
    Sent: Monday, May 20, 2013 5:50 PM
    Subject: RE: Follow up

    That is interesting that you thought my comments centered on the kids “need for counseling.”  Let me clarify, I was asking about working together regarding issues that should be the focus of the counseling and working together on setting up a schedule.  So am I correct in understanding that you want no part in working with me to develop a schedule for counseling with the children and you plan on moving forward without my input into schedules and goals?

    I spoke with ________ Dental Clinic regarding D’s dental treatment plan.  The office informed me that they mailed you a letter on April 1st, requesting that you choose an orthodontist so that the treatment plan in question could commence but have not heard anything back from you in almost 2 months and therefore the plan has been stalled awaiting your choice.  The lady there also informed me that they do not have current insurance information either and I am not allowed to access any of the specific records of the plan because I am not listed in their files – thus once again I have no access to any particulars of the plan or past treatment records for which you just today suggested I get from them.  So the question for you is, as I had asked in the previous email, what is the status of their insurance?  Also, since it has been two months without you moving forward with this “treatment” plan, maybe you could share with me why D has not had an appointment scheduled and let me know what I can do to make this happen in the next few days?

    I am documenting the fact that once D has returned to you after a visit in which he proclaimed his desire to visit with me this evening, he suddenly has changed his mind about visiting with me tonight just like he did last evening only after you spoke to him – and that you do not plan on encouraging him to visit with me but instead have left the so called “decision” up to him.  By the same rationale as you are invoking here, does your actions regarding visitation with D mean that it will be fine if A decides he does not want to return to visit with you I am free to allow him to stay here until he changes his mind?

     

    From: Me
    Sent: Tuesday, May 21, 2013 8:19 AM
    To: Asshat 
    Subject: Re: Follow up

    We have agreed that the kids need counseling. We have agreed to a counselor. I do not believe any further discussion between you and I is needed at this time regarding this topic. I believe it is more appropriate for us to share our concerns with the provider regarding the children, rather than with each other at this time.
    You called the wrong dentist. Due to the poor care that D was receiving at _______ dental clinic  we changed dentists. You were informed of this in the email I sent you dated 5/9/13. They are now patients at ____________ Dental. I suggested at that time that you call them to discuss any questions you had.
    No, it is not fine for you to keep A beyond the previously agreed upon schedule.

     

    From: Asshat
    To: Me
    Sent: Tuesday, May 21, 2013 12:03 PM
    Subject: RE: Follow up

    I had no idea that the children were receiving poor care at ______dental clinic – because you never discussed it with me prior to taking them nor moving them to a new doctor.  Please tell me what your concerns were with ________dental clinic I would like to know.  Once again, I have indulged the wild goose chase and called ___________ Dental only to find that they suggested to you on May 1st that he see an orthodontist – they have no idea who the orthodontist is, nor any treatment plan for braces, because you have not told them.  I don’t know how to be any clearer with my question – Who is the orthodontist that is going to handle D’s braces and when is he scheduled to have the work done?

    Regarding the counselor, it is fine if you do not wish to discuss your concerns with me.  As I mentioned before the possibility of passing concerns along to the psychiatrist prior to starting treatment was always an option.  Given the fact that your current concerns only seem to have manifested with you after I made it clear that I would no longer accept delays in their treatment it is not surprising that you do not want to share them with me.  I will reiterate that scheduling should be a joint effort here and if you are not willing to work together on this than I will continue with scheduling as the Magistrate concluded I could.  D will need to be available for me to take him to these appointments once I know the doctor’s availability.  Should I not hear back from you, I will give you at least a weeks notice regarding the schedule determined.

    A has informed me that he will be staying with me until at least Thursday.  Should he change his mind and want to stay longer I will let you know.  He is almost 16 now and he is quite capable of making his own decisions in this area – and is quite clear as to what he wants.

     

    From: Me
    Sent: Tuesday, May 21, 2013 1:45 PM
    To: Asshat
    Subject: Re: Follow up

    The dentist told me that he would not recommend putting braces on D’s teeth until A. All his cavities are filled (which ________ dental clinic never even informed us that he had any cavities or else they would have been filled much sooner, and perhaps some of them could have been prevented). B. D needs to be a more consistent better brusher. He has had 3 cavities filled, he is scheduled to have 2 more in June, then the final ones will be scheduled after that. Once all the cavities are filled, we will then make an appt. with Dr. _______ in _______. If you would like to help pay for any portion of the out of pocket expenses that are incurred with all these procedures, please feel free to help out in that way. Otherwise, you can continue to contact the dental office directly with any other questions or concerns that you may have.

    While we agree that the kids need counseling, and have agreed on a provider, we still do not agree on who should be responsible for scheduling and transportation. We can wait for a resolution to this issue when it is heard by the magistrate.

    As for A. Yes, he is almost 16, and he is capable of making a variety of decisions. However, as his parents, the agreement that we already have established needs to remain in effect.

    From: Asshat
    Sent: Tuesday, May 21, 2013 3:06 PM
    To: Me
    Subject: RE: Follow up

    The fact that he needs so many cavities filled is not preventing you from getting the ball moving in terms of scheduling appointments now for braces.  If you have a problem with doing this I will follow the directions of the office and schedule the appointments now.  I am not interested in waiting any longer for you to do this on your own time table as you have had three years to do it and have balked at every chance to do so.  It is only now that we are engaged in the legal process that things seem to be moving forward.  If _______ is the orthodontist I will call him tomorrow and schedule an appointment to start the process.  If you have an issue with transportation I have no problem doing it.  As for the payment of the medical costs, you assumed responsibility for them when you devised the particulars of the divorce.  Given my state of mind at that point, as you are and were well aware, I had no part other than agreeing to ALL of your divorce agreement demands at that point and I have no intention of changing the specific medical responsibilities that I agreed to in 2010.

    Additionally, I am not interested in what appears to me to be you stalling the counseling process any longer.  You wanted no part in dealing with this and left the process exclusively to me the last time we discussed this before the magistrate in February.  I have tried to work with you in good faith per one of your attorney’s suggestions, but at this point it just seems to be another instance of you attempting to sidetrack the process to the detriment of the children.  You have had three years to make this happen as I have continually asked, suggested, and pleaded that you get them the counseling they need.  I see no benefit to the children in waiting any longer.  I will be scheduling the initial appointments and will let you know when they are if you want me to.

    As far as I know A will be returning to you on Thursday after school, unless he changes his mind before that time.  It seems sad at this point that this is the situation, but I am having a hard time explaining to him why D whom we also had an agreement of shared 50/50 custody in place and which is currently not being honored, is allowed to get “his” supposed way with visitation and A, who is considerably older, is not.  I will attempt to insist that he at least spend part of the week with you, because I feel that is his best interest, but at this point I cannot guarantee what he will want to do.

     

    From:  Asshat
    To: Me
    Sent: Thursday, May 23, 2013 2:45 PM
    Subject: RE: Follow up

    I have spoken with Dr.______ (orthodontist) office and they had no idea who you were and had no record of any contact with you regarding D and setting up an appointment for him.  I have given them all of the information needed to get this moving for D.  Sept. 12 – 11:00 at Dr. ________ office.  The cost will be 150.00 total and your responsibility – no insurance is accepted for the first visit and he will need a special type of x-ray at this visit unless you have already had one taken.  They seemed unconcerned by the fact that D still had cavities that needed to be filled and regardless there is plenty of time between now and then to get it done based on what you told me.  There is the possibility of an earlier slot in the event that another patient cancels as well.

    I have also made the call to Dr. ________(pschiatrist) office and am currently just waiting to see which time will be available next week – either Wed or Thurs at 11 or 1 are the times I was given but I am not sure they are still the correct ones at this time.  If you have a preference to one or the other feel free to let me know.  I think it best to alternate the days so the boys are not going at the same time too, and welcome your input.

    If these appointments are an issue for you I can transport them for the above listed, you will just need to let me know ahead of time.

     

    From: Me
    Sent: Thursday, May 23, 2013 2:14 PM
    To: Asshat
    Subject: Re: Follow up

    Thank you for calling the psychologist. If you would like to make an appt for A with Dr. _______, you should feel free to do that for a time when you are able to transport him yourself. While you are at that appt you can speak to the provider about your concerns for both children.

    I will make an appt for D for next week around my work and his school schedule, and will speak to the doctor myself about my concerns for both children.

    Thank you for making the appt for D with the orthodontist.

     

    From: Asshat
    To: Me 
    Sent: Thursday, May 23, 2013 9:56 PM
    Subject: RE: Follow up

    Just so we are clear, I am not asking you to make any appointments for them.  You made it clear that you did not wish to do so anytime soon.  Additionally, you seem to have some notion that I am only responsible for A and you are only responsible for D.  You are incorrect if that is your assumption.  I will be part of both of their counseling and if you want input as to when they should be scheduled than I suggest you tell me, but I will be scheduling this initial appointment for them and will let you know when it is if you have no preference.  Working together for the best interests of both children is the goal here – and me being an active participant is also in their best interests.  I am no longer leaving this for you to handle because recent and past experience has left me not trusting you to follow through and for some reason there appears to me that you have ulterior motives beyond the best interests of the children – otherwise why would you go out of your way to continually attempt to make this process longer, deny me access to D based on false pretenses, and at the same time continue to suggest that I am in some way a danger to my own child.  If you wish to share your concerns with Dr.________ I am sure you may do so by requesting the proper paperwork from his office or by going there yourself and talking to him personally.

    Again the times available, as far as I know at this time, for the initial consultation with the children are Wed and Thurs with 2 slots each day – 11am and 1pm.  Please feel free to let me know if you have a preference for future scheduling times and I will convey them to the Doctor.  I will be picking A and D up from school and transporting him to and from this initial appointment.  We can work out a set schedule of who transports whom after the first one unless I do not hear back from you before then.

    Please feel free to explain again why the orthodontist appointment could not be made sooner?  If there is no legitimate reason, I will entertain any early appointment slots that might open up due to other patient cancellations and take him as soon as they can get him in.

    I will also convey to you that part of my brief time with D was spent discussing his new school and his transition there.  Just so you are aware, it has been very hard for him and it is apparent that he is still having lots of difficulty with his new surroundings, as should have been expected having transferred so late in the year.  I would like to know what specific steps you actually took to ensure that the new school staff was made aware of D’s needs and preferences as a student like you mentioned to me you were going to do when you told me you were moving him.  This information will be helpful prior to meeting with the educational staff that work with D.

     

    Re: Follow up
    From: Me
    To: Asshat
    Sent: Today

    I have called Dr. ________ office and asked for clarification regarding these initial appointments and how to best to facilitate them.

    If you have questions regarding D’s school performance and transition, please feel free to call the School and speak to them directly.

     

     

    Read more…

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , ,
15 May 2013
7 Comments

Working jointly? As if.

Things at home have been stressed. 

D has asked to see his dad on Sunday, but wishes to be brought home after dinner. X has agreed. My husband is terrified of losing D to this monster. He doesn’t want him to go. He has talked about adopting him. Its not realistic, but I understand why he’s saying it. We don’t want D to be made to feel badly about himself. We don’t want D to feel like he has to choose which parent he loves more. We just want him to be OK. Its unlikely that will happen, because, we know how crazy his dad is. All we can do is be his constant. We love and accept him just how he is. If he doesn’t want to see dad, then he doesn’t have to. But, if he does, then we need to let that happen too. 

A is due home today. A strongly worded letter was sent to X telling him to not allow A to contact me for more time, as it creates unnecessary conflict between A and I. 

Meanwhile, I attempted to make counseling appointments for the boys. My attempts have been thwarted by X.  

His email on Monday to my lawyer said that he had no issue with me transporting D. He didn’t want me making the appointments however, because in the past I’ve abruptly stopped taking him to his appointments.He wanted me to agree to taking him 1-2 times week (maybe he didn’t really get his law degree, maybe he’s actually a psychologist?). Also, he said I shouldn’t be allowed to sit in sessions with D. He doesn’t want me, you know, trying to convince the psychologist of all of the issues I think D has, but refuse to tell X about. Hmmm, I wonder where he would get that idea? 

He did agree to schedule appointments for A, and would be responsible for his transportation.

But then, then next day, we’re not sure what happened, but my best guess is that he told A that he was going to be starting counseling. Likely, A revolted. Probably A said No.

These were his words to my lawyer, “I cannot agree to allow her to do whatever she wants with the scheduling and it will most likely be best for both children if I take more of an active role anyway.  I am more than happy to work out an arrangement where she and I will be jointly responsible for establishing a regular schedule with the counselor that meets the needs of the children, whomever that may be, and sharing in the transportation of both children to and from those sessions.”

Uh, no.  I was willing to make the appointments for, and to take D because, well, YOU HAVEN’T SPOKEN TO HIM SINCE JANUARY! Plus, I want D to understand his own worth isn’t based how his shitty father treats him. I will take him because D trusts me. He knows I wouldn’t take him to a provider I didn’t trust. He doesn’t feel this way about his father.

 

A on the other hand, won’t go. I had to bribe him to go before. He refuses now. This is why I told X that he can do it. He can make A go…or try anyway. Supposedly, this was important to him, so, he can be a parent for once. Give it a try. He’ll get to see what it’s like to try to make A do something he doesn’t want to do. He can’t be a parent and a peer, so, he’ll throw it back onto me. I can be the parent. The bad guy. He can be the buddy, feeling bad for A that mom is making him do such stupid things. Just like always.

And….he wants to work jointly with me? How is that going to work? Should I just do what you say? Because that’s how its been since I’ve known you. As long as you get what you want we’re all ‘compromising’. Does he think saying it to my lawyer will some how confuse everyone into believing that he’s been the victim of MY crazy all this time? 

Three years of refusal to work with me. Three years of SAYING he was working with me. Three years of SAYING I wasn’t working with him. Three years of twisted bullshit logic about what ‘working with’ someone means.
In his emails to my lawyer he keeps saying he wants a speedy resolution to this matter…but its HIM who is dragging his feet. He’s had 2 FULL months to schedule these appointments himself. He has had a week and a half of disagreeing on my choice of provider and not once offered up another name. 

Its going to be a bitter pill to swallow when people realize that your actions speak louder than your words, and he doesn’t get what he wants. At least I hope so anyway. 

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , ,
09 May 2013
5 Comments

We wait.

I’ve not been writing much here lately. I am overwhelmed and have no idea where to even start. I told Melanie I wanted to write for a her blog about kids being part of an abusive marriage, the transitions for them once there is a divorce, and adjusting to having to deal with, on their own, the other parent. And when the other parent continues to be abusive, just in a way that the kids can’t really understand, how that effects them, their siblings and the rest of their family. 

Unfortunately, I can’t seem to get my thoughts in order. All the stupid shit I put up with, and overlooked and made excuses for, is all rushing back in a tsunami of ‘what the fuck were you thinking’ and I can’t seem to put together an coherent thought. 

The last week or two have been a blur. A has been distant and sullen and quiet. He wasn’t like that before he spent 2 weeks with his father. D has been doing alright, but has been slacking in school. At a dentist appt last week we found out D has some cavities. Yesterday he had them filled. A couldn’t wait to tattle when he saw his dad on facebook. “D has cavities, he had to have them filled.” Its all he has in common with his dad. A distaste for me and his brother. 

Meanwhile, I was attempting to make counseling appts for the kids with a new guy now that we have new insurance and a recommendation from our lawyer. And like a normal person, I include X. 

X,
Due to your issue with __________ for counseling, we are going to use Dr. __________ instead. I will be making an appointment for D this week, and will also make one for A based on your preference for taking him either Mondays or Tuesdays. Please let me know as soon as possible what day and time work best for you.
_____________________________________________

His response was crazy, as I suppose I should have expected:
_____________________________________________

Is there a reason you chose to wait until I was away at graduation to attempt to schedule these appointments when I have been requesting all along that you do so?

I asked numerous times for clarification regarding the insurance that they had, but was not given the access/permission that appears necessary to schedule appointments based on my discussions with the state.  Additionally, and so there is no confusion on the part of anyone, the last counselor you used was closely affiliated with your place of employment, had somewhat limited time seeing and developing a relationship with the children in the past, and had a number of scheduling conflicts with mine – for those reasons I believed using him was not a proper choice.

I am not familiar with this new doctor and until I am, I am not consenting to using this person for either child.  This doctor may be fantastic and highly skilled, but you are making major medical decisions again without my consent and without consulting me prior to doing so.  A current visitation schedule for D would seem appropriate prior to me accepting any such counselor appointment schedule in the future.

I was under the impression you had no concerns and that was why you had not enrolled them in counseling prior to me asking, If you care to share the specific concerns you have with each child I will gladly discuss mine.  It would certainly make any initial discussions with Dr._______ or any other potential counselor more fruitful prior to scheduling the children for counseling.

I will continue to be open to hearing any suggestions that you may have should you be interested in discussing a realistic and meaningful visitation schedule that is in the best interests of D and affords me at least the 50% custody that we previously agreed to.

__________________________________________________

Since X decided that he “does not consent” to this person, simply because he did not choose him, my lawyer said that we need to wait now to schedule, at least until our pre-trail hearing.

So. We wait.

I’m so tired. Exhausted. I feel like I can’t keep my kids safe from their father. I can’t stop the abuse that happens, I can’t stop him from seeing his kids, and I can’t make A understand that you don’t have to be angry with me in order to see your dad. Its ok to want to see dad, and still want to see me too. But dad doesn’t see it that way.

I have been told by strangers, by my best friend, and by my lawyer that A wants to please his dad. He plays the game and can be outwardly disrespectful, rude and mean to me because he knows my love is unconditional. He knows I won’t leave him. He doesn’t think that is true about his dad. If he disagrees with dad, dad will leave. Dad won’t love him. Dad won’t have any use for him. This has been proven by dad’s relationship with D. This is why the boys need to have someone else to talk to about how to handle this shit. But instead, we have to wait. 

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , ,
09 Apr 2013
3 Comments

Impartiality

The boys got new health insurance as of April 1st. Due to the x demanding the boys go to counseling, and my agreement to provide him with their insurance information, I did what any normal person would do. I let him know.

From: Stacey
Sent: Monday, April 08, 2013 9:35 AM
To: Asshat
Subject: Fw: Id cards

Here is a copy of the kids ID cards for their new insurance coverage in the event you want to make counseling appointments for them.
Thanks,
Stacey

 

And he replied today with insanity. Conspiracy even.

 

From: Asshat
To: Stacey 
Sent: Tuesday, April 9, 2013 10:29 AM
Subject: RE: Id cards

Yeah once again I don’t have the proper authority to access these accounts.  And the counselor you used seems to be someone with very close ties to your current place of employment which means that there is a serious issue with impartiality.

 

I have no idea what this means. The counselor the boys saw has NOTHING to do with where I work. And even if he DID have something to do with my place of employment, I would assume after 30 years of working in this field he would have the ability to be impartial. 

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , ,
19 Oct 2012
7 Comments

It’s Friday, right?

I’m finding myself feeling a little frustrated today. However, reading other’s blogs, I also feel grateful for the situation I am in, as opposed to some of the really crazy shit some of the others of you have to deal with. Its exhausting to be civil, to be polite, to someone you want to see shived to death. Someone told me that its a waste of energy and bad karma to wish him dead. However, my brain has been going there more often this week.

I had some crazy dreams last night, woke up with a raging headache and my shoulders in knots. Well. At least its Friday, right?

I found out this week that my credit score has dropped from bad to worse because the X missed a loan payment with my name on it. No amount of begging the bank will get my name off of that stupid loan – so, unless I want to pay it myself, there’s not much I can do…and of course I don’t know its late until AFTER the fact. There is so much tied up with me obsessing about my credit score. Its how I’m going to be able to buy a house. Its how I’m going to move past this hell hole of a house we’re all trapped in. Its one more way to break another tie I have with the X. It feels like him doing this, messing with my credit is him trying to control me. Of course, it effects him the same as it effects me, and it was likely an oversight…but all the same, my paranoid self is wary.

Because I didn’t feel like the counseling was working out for me, (and thank you to everyone who weighed in on that – a little bit of validity about what I was feeling really helped me to see that this dude really wasn’t a good fit for me) – I’ve decided maybe I need to try getting a massage and see if that can help alleviate some of my tension and crap. I’ve been pretty against massage in the past as I have an aversion to strangers in my space, much less touching me! Ack! But lately, I’ve been making an effort to try different things and to not be so stuck in my ideas about things I’ve not tried.

Husband and I have been desperate for some quality time lately. The kids, as I’m sure most of you are aware, always need something…RIGHT NOW! And, with no other parent in the picture, this gets a little overwhelming 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, without a break. We’re going to spend some time at a local craft show on Saturday, and maybe take the dogs for a hike on Sunday…Big goals for someone who has a mountain of laundry to tackle, and a quilt to make before Christmas.

 

 

 

 

Posted in Divorce, kids, worry and tagged , , ,
15 Oct 2012
8 Comments

Counseling, weekend update – still waiting

 

I started seeing a counselor last week. However, once I spilled all the crap about the kind of person we’re dealing with in regards to the X, how it effects all of us, and how the house we live in is rented from him, etc. his advice was “move.” Really? We should just move? Wow, what a novel idea. Can’t imagine why I didn’t think of that before! When I explained why we’re not moving right now, (no money saved yet for down payment, shitty credit, wanting to keep D in the same district now that he’s having success, and NO rentals in the district, its buy or live elsewhere, etc.) The counselor told me, basically, that I have control issues and that I let the kids run my life. I don’t HAVE to keep them in the same district. Really? It was exhausting, trying to explain to someone why I do what I do – how its not that the kids control my life, but more that they are the main focus of my life, and I want them to be happy and successful. Not hating school is a big part of that. Taking their wants and needs into consideration when making a big decision like moving, to me, is important. Not that they’ll dictate, but I feel like they should be heard.

He suggested I email the X and demand that he fix the holes in the walls from A getting mad and punching the wall last winter. He said I should email him and demand that he fix the window D broke…it is, after all, just as much HIS responsibility as it is mine. When I said it wasn’t worth the fall out from that kind of exchange, he pointed out that I’m scared. Scared that he’ll lose his mind and steal my kids? Yes. Scared that he’ll show up here and set the house on fire while we sleep? Yes. I am scared at how unpredictable he is. After 2 years of divorcing this jackass, I have a pretty good handle on when and why contact is a good idea, and when its not.

My ‘homework’ was that I’m to assign the kids chores that they’ll do without pay and A is to do all his own laundry. I’m also to get interested in something so that the kids can see I have my own life. Honestly, the kids are not something I’m all that concerned about when it comes to my stress levels, other than them just being teenagers. Plus, chores was a big thing with their dad. If they did a chore wrong he made them do it again, and again, and again, never telling them how to do it right, only that its wrong. There was lots of hollering at them. If they cried, they got spanked. If they still cried, or still did it wrong, they got spanked again, and again. When he left, I stopped making my kids do chores. If I need help, I ask, and they do it. If they want money, they do chores to earn it. I don’t think this guy was understanding that it wasn’t a typical household, it wasn’t a typical divorce, and this is not typical co-parenting.

Anyway, the rule about counseling at our house is that you try it three times before you can quit…so I’ll go three times, and hope it gets better.

It was a cold and rainy weekend here – but I did get the stupid house we rent ship-shape for the coming winter. Broken window double sealed with plastic, registers all taken apart, cleaned, and put back together, doors sealed around the edges with foam stuff, etc. It was exhausting, and left me no time to work on the quilt I’m making for D for Christmas. Oh well. At least I won’t feel like I’m heating the outdoors this winter.

Meanwhile, I heard from the sheriff dept in SD and they said they’d received my paperwork last week and would be serving him as soon as they could. I am sick of waiting, but along with everything else, there isn’t anything I can really do about that.

I called my mom and made Thanksgiving plans with her – but I didn’t mention that this is the X’s holiday with the kids. Its likely he won’t show up, so I’m not going to think or worry about it.

I found out today when I ran my credit report that the X missed a payment on the home equity loan we still share, and its effecting my score. This makes me beyond mad. Not because of his irresponsibility, or because I’m doing far more than my fair share of kid-raisin’ with nothing from him. I’m mad because there is NOTHING I can do about this. Nothing. This loan, as per our divorce agreement is HIS responsibility. The bank refuses to take my name off of the loan unless he refinances it. Which, with no income, is impossible. So, I’m left here, tied to him in regards to a 10 thousand dollar line of credit that he’s constantly maxed out with no way to stop the way it affects my credit, and thereby my ability to, hopefully SOON, buy a house.

Posted in abuse, co-parenting, crazy making, Divorce, growing up, kids, long distance parenting, parenting, reality, school, worry and tagged , , , ,
16 Jan 2012

counseling

My youngest son had his first counseling session with his new counselor. It went well. He’s been given a diagnosis of an “adjustment disorder”. Im not sure how I feel about him being labled this way, when its clear to me that his father is the issue, not him. But, all the same, after doing some reading about it, I did feel better – realizing that as long as the ‘stressor’ continues to have a presence in his life, its going to be hard for him to move past how he’s feeling without some type of professional support to better learn how to cope with  someone who makes you feel bad instead of trying to make you feel good.

I’m now struggling with how much do I tell his father? Do I just tell him the name of his new counselor and let him get any information that he needs himself? Or do I let him know they’ve put a diagnosis on him, and thereby invite a barrage of emails and texts blaming me and my new husband for this?

Im tired of this. Im tired of worrying about the right thing to do, I’m tired of second guessing myself and my motives. I’m tired of having simple, easy interactions with him turn into a soap box for him to stand on to lecture me about the mistakes I’ve made and how that is what is truly wrong with the boys. I’m just tired.

But! onward and forward! We can’t get mired down in this crap now. It is what it is. We are getting my youngest son the help he needs, and that is exactly what we should doing.

 

Posted in abuse, Divorce and tagged | Leave a comment

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