Looking Forward

Making a better life for me and my kids

Archive for the tag “coparenting”

12 Jan 2015
9 Comments

Fafsa, taxes, and patience.

As you all know, A is preparing for college. At this point we’re working on the fafsa. I ran the numbers in the fafsa-4-caster to determine which situation would benefit A more, me claiming him or asshat claiming him.

I explained what I found to A, along with the standard “I am not an expert, this is just what I read, learned, found out, heard someone say one time, etc…” I also learned that private schools look at what constitutes ‘need’ differently than public schools, and we talked about what the averages are for need based aid for the schools he’s considering offer.

I’d like him to make some of these choices on his own, and to have as much information as I could give him. I told him if he wanted to use his dad’s info, he’d need to get with him ASAP and have him help with the form.

I received this email this afternoon:

From: Asshat
To: Me
FYI – A informed me that you plan on claiming him on taxes this year.  Kudos on telling him that in essence you are putting your taxes over your son’s best interest.  He will certainly receive considerably less aid based on EFC if you do this.  Your calculation of it only making a marginal difference in what type of aid he is awarded is indicative of your ignorance on the subject matter. 
Not that I care, but you will also receive significantly less in the form of my tax refund that is garnished as well.  But alas, your financial ignorance and indifference to your son’s future financial state is not my problem beyond the problems you create for him.

My guess is that he’s extra mad because now A has said, “mom is claiming me.” which means he can’t claim the kids on the sly like he normally does. And trying to tempt me with back support? Come on now – you owe me more than 5k, you’ll owe me that no matter how my taxes work out – so why would I get less back this year to get more money from you when I can get more back this year, and STILL get the money you owe me? I might just have to wait a little longer, but if I’ve learned anything from these last 4 years, it’s been patience.

 

Posted in bullying, co-parenting, crazy making, Divorce, narcissism and tagged , , , , ,
29 Jul 2013
4 Comments

Baseball is over

A made the All Star baseball team. Not a difficult task considering there were only 9 kids to pick from. Either way, he was happy to play, and we were happy to support him.

His first game was on Saturday. He was the starting pitcher. Against the team from the town we used to live in. The team he could have played for if he’d wanted to. The team had gone undefeated in all of regular season. A’s team hadn’t won a single game. 

He fought hard, pitched 98 pitches in 4 innings. He only let up 2 runs. They ended up losing the game, but not because of A’s performance. 

The second game was Sunday. A came home from a friends house on Sunday morning, stripped down and I threw his uniform in the wash. He showered, changed, and I took him to his father’s new apartment. I told him he could either stop over and get his uniform before the 7pm game or I could bring it over and drop it off.

At 3:30 A texted me and asked me to bring his uniform to dad’s. I did. When A came to the car to get it he said, “Dad is coming to this game.” 

I said, “Good! I am too.”

A said, “No. You can’t.”

I said, “Yes, I can. I paid for All Stars, I’ve done everything for you to make baseball a thing you could do. I’m going.”

A shook his head, slammed the car door and went back inside.

I thought about not going. I was worried this would somehow be hard for A if we were both there. The stadium for these games is big. It’s not a crappy field roped off with snow fence. Its an actual stadium.  After much discussion, Husband and I decided we’d go. 

I asked D if he wanted to go. “No.” he said. I tried to sweeten the deal, “Dad’ll be there, you could hang with him.” D’s response was, “I have better things to do with my time.” 

Then we got this email from X.

A is with me today.  I am not okay with you anywhere near me and him while he is with me.  I would appreciate it if you respected that, as this is my time with him and not yours.  At this point I simply cannot trust that you will not cause trouble or friction that would ultimately lead to him feeling bad, sad, or being embarrassed.  If I have to I will seek any sort of available restraining order I need to protect his time with me from being disrupted by you.  FYI – he did not seem overly impressed that you were planning on being in attendance today regardless of whether you paid for the league or not.

Well, if we were on the fence at all about going before, we’re DEFINITELY going now! 

We arrived at 6:40 pm. His car wasn’t there. He wasn’t there. We sat. We waited. The National Anthem played. I was paranoid and worried. Everyone who walked by I was afraid it was him. Around 7:20 pm it became clear he wasn’t going to show up. 

A played second base. One throw to first ended up in the other teams dugout. He was shaking his arm. I’m guessing he didn’t ice it the night before. It was probably jello. 

He got two singles and scored twice. After his last at bat, we left. They lost, 4-7.

We checked our cellphone site. A called his dad at 9:07 when the game ended. Presumably to come get him. 

I’ve since texted A to apologize for suggesting that since I paid for All Stars that I should get to go. I told him that him not wanting me there hurt my feelings. I also told him I was very proud of him. I’m sure I won’t get a response, he is a teenage boy after all. 

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , ,
18 Jun 2013
8 Comments

In a relationship

Facebook says X is “in a relationship” now. Her name is Nicole. She is divorced. She was married to my boss’s nephew. She has a daughter. She is apparently not bothered by X weighing over 300lbs. Or that he is unemployed. Or that he doesn’t pay child support. Or that he lives someone’s basement without enough room to house both of his children at the same time. 

She’s been warned by my boss about X. She was told about the time X came to my office screaming at me in front of everyone about what a whore I am. She’s been told about the lack of child support I receive and the lack of phone calls for birthdays, Christmas’s and the like. She won’t listen, because his “Friends” back up his story about how I’M the bad parent. How he is the victim. How I cheated on him with 100 men during the 13 years we were married. How I lined up a new life with my new husband for years before I ever asked for a divorce. How I’ve turned D against his father. How I refuse to cooperate and how I’m trying to take money from him when I have plenty. I’m sure she questioned him about it and I’m sure he tells her, he DID reach out to the kids when he should have, but it was me who was stopping the communication. I didn’t answer the phone. I wouldn’t let them talk. I told him to leave the boys alone, they have a new father now. Why wouldn’t he tell her that? He’s told his friends that. He’s told the kids that too. No one likes to pay attention to the order I fought to get that gave him HALF OF THE TIME WITH THE KIDS. 

Are the lies ever going to stop? How can this person have my kids’ best interest in mind if she doesn’t understand how he is using them as pawns to ‘win’ and to fuck with me? How can she be around my kids, thinking that their mother locks them out of the house and treats them like shit? 

I can see her page from my blogs facebook page, but no results show up at all for her when I search for her from my own page. I’m sure she’s blocked me. I don’t know why she would. Unless of course X told her that I’ve messed up every relationship he’s had since we got divorced, and that I’ll try to mess this one up too. I’m sure he told her to block me so that I can’t try to contact her and fill her with lies. I suppose when he shoves her into a wall for talking back maybe then she’ll learn. If that doesn’t work, then I’m sure the subtle comments about her every thought being wrong won’t work either. At least not at first. 

I just want the lies to stop. I just want people to be adults. Clearly, I want too much. 

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , ,
17 Jun 2013
17 Comments

Deadbeat Lazy Asshole

I agreed to let him have more time with A. I should have known better than to let it stop at that. I should have made the transportation responsibilities more solid. I was reeling. We arrived at court and my lawyer handed me papers saying that X was going to file to ask for primary residence for A, to make me the ‘visiting parent’ and that he wants child support from me. He’s also filing forms to enforce the order in place for D. He’s trying to take my kids from me. I had no time to process this before we were in the courtroom for our pretrial. As the hearing was happening, she whispered to me “Do you want to agree now to the Sunday to Thursday schedule?” My first reaction was “NO! I want the current Sunday – Wednesday enforced!” but then I thought, perhaps this will make me seem agreeable. Maybe this will benefit me in some way. Giving in a little…I should have known that means he’ll now be taking a mile. 

No word about transportation came up as our hearing ended. I should have been paying better attention. All I could think about was how he was trying to take my kids away from me, and wanting child support. And wanting to make me the visiting parent. And wanting to force D to spend time with him when he is clearly so uncomfortable doing so.

Once we were home I told husband that I was really disappointed in myself and in our lawyer. I shouldn’t have agreed to give him any more time. She should have told us when he served her those papers the week before about him trying to get primary residence and trying to enforce the order for D. She should have asked that the current order be enforced. She shouldn’t have asked me to give him more time. She should have realized that orders don’t mean shit to him. She should have realized that with the transportation piece left for us to “work out on our own” wasn’t going to work at all. Not for me anyway.

Wednesday rolled around last week and I talked to A on Facebook. I asked if he was getting off the bus at home on Thursday. He said no, he was going to stay until Friday, then go to a friends house. I ended the conversation. I rarely know what to do with dealing with A anymore about shit like this. 

I emailed X, but didn’t bring that up. All I can do is document it on my end. There is no point in arguing. I wanted to try to clear up the transportation issue for Thursdays. 

In regards to transportation for A over the summer, I can bring him to you at noon on Sundays if you can bring him home on Thursdays at 9am.
Please let me know if this doesn’t work for you.
Also, it has come to my attention that you plan on taking A to some concerts this summer. I’d like the dates of those so that I can know when you plan on keeping him beyond our agreed upon time, and if any of them will require him to miss any scheduled baseball games.
Finally, if you don’t agree to Dr. ______ for counseling for the boys, please free to contact me with your suggestion as soon as possible.
______________________________________

He waited 24 hours to respond.

I do not agree with Dr. _______, you are aware that I do not agree to Dr. ______ and I have explained why in past emails as well as before the Magistrate.  I am currently exploring other options in the area and am still waiting to hear back from Dr. _____ as well.  I will let you know when I find someone suitable.
The concert dates are June 21st and August 7th and as far as I understood you have known about them for some time now and that this is not a recent revelation.  I will also mention here that I was unaware of any additional time with me this week until A informed me that he had already discussed it with you.  I have no problem with him staying the extra time with me and told him that.
As far as transportation is concerned I think it might be best if the drop off is adjusted to reflect morning work schedules on Thursdays.  I am open to suggestions.

____________________________________

He knows I’ve known about concerts because this is the THRID time I’ve asked for specific dates. He doesn’t like talking to me, yet he always makes things so vague, so I have to ask what the fuck are you talking about? I know he’s leading up to him making ME take time off work, or leaving A with him all day Thursday, so he can get even more time in with him to warp his little brain. That’s not going to happen if I can help it. So, I’ll pretend ‘work schedule’ must refer to HIM and not me. 

You contacting me directly regarding A’s plans to stay with you beyond the court ordered time is your job. Not A’s. A is free to fill us in on his wishes, but its still your job to contact me with any changes that need to be made to the schedule.
Thank you for the concert dates. I was aware concerts were happening, but I wasn’t aware which ones he was going to.
I’m not sure what work schedule you’re referring to. If you’d like to drop him off on your way to work in the mornings on Thursdays that is fine with me. I can bring him to you on Sundays at noon, unless you’re working on Sundays and need him at a different time. Please let me know.

______________________________________

Sunday came and I assumed I’d be taking A to his dad. But no. Silly me. A said, “Dad is on his way to come get me.” Oh really? Well alright then.
Odd how he can’t just admit that he was wrong about not talking to me about keep A longer. Maybe making more excuses will help me understand why he’s not wrong, actually A and I are wrong! Go figure. 

Let’s be clear here – I had no idea about the change in schedule because you and him discussed it without my knowledge.  In which case it was your responsibility to notify me and not the other way around.  

I will pick him up on Sundays, you can drop him off on Thursdays.

_______________________________________

Ah, there it is. He wants me to miss time from work to go pick A up on Thursday mornings while he sits on his fat ass being a lazy deadbeat. Of course. I should have let the debate end about how he should have told me about the schedule change. But, I couldn’t. I know my lawyer sees this. I hope the judge will get to see it too. Let me tell you One More Fucking Time how you are an irresponsible asshole. 

While he is with you, it is your job to know what his schedule is. Whether or not he tries to change it with me, doesn’t absolve you from the responsibility you have to hold up your end of the court ordered agreement, which is to have him returned home by 9am on Thursdays, unless you hear otherwise from me. This is why I continue to insist that communication regarding the schedule for the boys be discussed between you and I. 
 
Since you are currently unemployed, I would ask that you bring A home on Thursday mornings so that I don’t have to take time off from my job to do the transportation. I am happy to bring him to you on Sundays in exchange. Or, if you’d rather, you can do both the pick up and drop off. If you are unavailable to bring him home on Thursdays, I can pick him up from you Wednesdays after work instead.
 
Please let me know what you’d like to do.

_____________________________________

Of course I already know what he’d like to do. He’d like to murder me. He’d like to set me on fire and watch me burn. He’d like to punish me for all my sins, mainly betraying him, and ruining his life with all my lies and deceit. 

But since he can’t do those things, being the coward that he is, instead he’ll use my kids as pawns in this bullshit game. He’ll try to make me miss time from my job (probably hoping I’ll get fired) and losing money so that I’ll be suffering financially. Luckily, my job affords me the ability to take whatever time off for whatever I need, whenever I need it. Especially when it has to do with having to deal with his insane bullshit. 

I should have known better in court. I should have made this more concrete. I shouldn’t have let my lawyer speak for me. I should have done it myself. Fifteen hundred dollars later, and what have I gotten? More screwed. That’s what. 

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , ,
06 Jun 2013
6 Comments

Highlights

Court today. Here are the highlights.

1. X served my lawyer with papers to modify A’s residency, asking for child support for A from me, and changing my rights of contact, and also a form to enforce the order where he gets D Sun-Wed. 

2. Neither form has yet been filed with the court. 

3. Our lawyer asked for a 2 day trial.

4. I agreed to letting A be with his dad from Sun noon – Thurs 9am. X then announced that if I agreed to that permanently, then that would take care of his need for the modification he plans to serve. My lawyer said it would be an interim order only. 

5. We are out of money with our lawyer. She believes 2500 would be how much she would need to get this done. This might be the deciding factor for us. We don’t have 2500. We don’t have any way to get 2500. Plus, there is no guarantee that will even be enough. 

6. Our trial likely won’t be scheduled until January, 2014. This is more than one year from my initial filing of the modification. 

7. X feels like he won today.

8. I noticed that X put on all the weight he’d lost. He’s easily 325 pounds. His suit didn’t fit him very well. He couldn’t seem to keep it buttoned. He wore white socks with his black suit. I kept thinking how he didn’t look “withered” as much as he looked swollen and angry. Like he might explode. 

9. He told my lawyer a few days ago, when he sent her those forms and asked her to look them over and make sure he didn’t miss anything, that he’s studying for the bar again. He’s on the applicant list to take it in July. 

10. A will be home tonight. Sullen, cranky, hiding in his room, asking for rides places, money, food he won’t be home to eat. Can’t wait. 

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,
03 Jun 2013
7 Comments

Crazy is as Crazy emails

cra·zy  (krz)

adj. cra·zi·er, cra·zi·est

1. Affected with madness; insane.

 

From: Me
Sent: Friday, May 31, 2013 9:39 AM
To: Asshat
Subject: Scheduling

Good morning,

I attached a copy of A’s baseball schedule, so that you can be aware of the games you’ll need to transport him to and from.

We are taking a trip to NJ / PA June 27-30 with both of the boys. I have already talked to A about this, and he does want to go. He will need to be home by 8am Thursday, 6/27. Let me know if you’d like to drop him off, or if I should plan on picking him up.
We will be arriving home Sunday, after noon time. Please let me know if you’d like for us to drop him off with you once we return home (we are hoping by 4pm) or if you’d like to wait and pick him up on Monday once he’s up.

Also, A said you were taking him to some concerts this summer, if you can send along the dates for those, that’d be great. If they coincide with his baseball schedule and he won’t be attending a game, I’d like to know that ahead of time, also it would be good to know of your plan to keep him during any of my scheduled times.

Thanks,
Stacey

From: Asshat
To: Me  
Subject: RE: Scheduling 
Sent: Mon, Jun 3, 2013 2:09:51 AM 

I have serious concerns with you attempting to take the boys anywhere outside this state while so much remains in question in regards to the court situation.  I anticipate addressing this with the Judge in our next court appearance as well as seeking an injunction to prevent any such travel until we have a final order from the Court and resolution of the visitation and counseling issues are resolved.  

I am sitting here speaking with A, (Note the time this email was sent to me, 2:09am)  he clearly does not want to go on this trip with you guys and although he has not been to NJ he has no desire whatsoever to spend time with your new husband’s family.  He will be fine with me during this time and I will plan on him staying with me for the period in question.  It would be beneficial if you were to respect his wishes and not simply use his not wanting to go with you against him as it seems you have done on numerous occasions in the past – this includes not trying to persuade him otherwise.  

I would appreciate, and I am sure both of the boys will as well, if you would be honest in your depiction of the boys views and wishes in any future communication with me.    

As far as baseball schedules go I have no problem with transportation to and from games while with me and will expect that any time he has with me is spent with me exclusively.  

I would once again ask that D be allowed to visit with me from Sunday until Wednesday each week as was ordered by the Magistrate.
Posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , ,
29 May 2013
5 Comments

Silent Treatment

I’m not entirely sure where to begin. 

We made the mistake of thinking having a lawyer would some how help us mitigate the crazy that X likes to spew. Instead it just costs us more money when he sends all his crazy emails to her and she has to weigh in only to have him twist and ignore what she says. 

We realized that we were feeling so off balance all of last week was because we were responding to his emails. We typically do not respond to anything if we don’t absolutely have to. Again, we made the mistake of thinking that having a lawyer would some how keep us safe from his anger and bullshit. It did not. 

Back to our old ways of not responding. Not repeating ourselves. Not thinking our lawyer has super powers and can somehow deal with him better than we can. Things have been much quieter since. 

As far as the kids go….

D still doesn’t want to go with his dad. I’ve asked a few times, and D says no. 

I had picked up A from his friends house Sunday morning we spent the day with my mom and her siblings. We (A, husband and I) went out to lunch them, then to the cemetery to put flowers on my grandparents graves. A didn’t have to come along, but he wanted to. We got home and we all played a board game. We ate dinner. We played foosball. A got to drive my car, and my mom’s car. A hung out in his room, listened to music and sang along. Just like a normal weekend day.

A had stayed with X until Thursday, then spent Friday and Saturday at his friends house. He said that he’d be home Sunday and Monday with me. I said that was fine by me. When he contacted his dad about it, he was subtle in his disagreement. 

A

Hey can you pick me up at one tomorrow instead of today

Dad

huh?

whats up?

A

I stayed at reids all weekend so I’ll stay the night here tonight, and go with you tomorrow

Dad

alright, I was thinking that we could hit the movies today though…

You will prob need to take the bus home tomorrow if your thinking one is the pickup time

A

No school tomorrow

Dad

I wont have time to get groceries with you tomorrow either so you will need to give me an idea of what you want

??

thought mem day was next weekend

hmm

A

No its this weekend

Dad

gotcha… looks like it is bbq day for me then haha

A

But mayebe mom will let me go after supper

Dad

its your call not hers bud, if you want here today I will come get ya, period.

A

I’ll message you after supper I’m about to be out to eat with Grammy and then to the graveyard then well come home and we can talk then

Dad

alright, I am not sure when I will be back near the computer though so leave me a message and I will try to get back to you as soon as I can…

A

Ok well you should have your phone on you

Dad

yeah, but can you call me on it??

A

No but you can check fb messages

Dad

lol, have you seen my phone lately!!

bery optimistic of you

very

A

Haha ok Ttyl

Dad

k

love ya

_____________________________

Then around 3:30 it seems A decided it would just be easier to go back to dad’s rather than risk whatever kind of “punishment” dad had in mind for him. I told him whatever he wanted to do was ok with me.

A

Hey you can pick me up after supper probably around 630ish

_____________________________

But, by then, it was too late. A called dad’s phone 4 times from 6pm – 7pm and dad didn’t answer. He didn’t respond to the FB message sent at 3:30 either. Nothing. Silent treatment. 

I got a notification on my phone of a a facebook update. A had posted a picture of himself in his room, standing in front of his mirror with a half smile. The caption said ‘#happy’. It occurred to me how quiet A’s facebook is when he is with dad. No pictures. No status updates. But, he’s home for a few hours and he’s “Happy”? 

A asked me around 7pm if it would be ok if he drove to dad’s and got dropped off there. I told him that was ok with me. Then he said, “So I’m supposed to be home on Wednesday, right?”
I said, “That’s the plan, yeah”.
He asked, “Instead of getting off the bus at home, can I go to dads, then you can come get me there, so I can bring home all my stuff, rather than taking it all to school?”
I said, “Sure thing, I’ll text you when I’m out of work and we’ll figure out a time.”
All his stuff? I don’t know what that means, but I didn’t ask. The last few times he’s been home, he’s not brought anything with him.

When we got to dad’s place I expected not to see his car there. He’s not answering his phone, he must be out and about. But no. His car was there in the driveway. Asshole. 

A got out and started taking his bag out of the back seat. I came around to get in the drivers seat and told him I’d text him on Wednesday about picking him up. I said “I love you, and thanks again for coming with us today.” Rather than his normal grunt of acknowledging that someone is speaking to him, he said, “Yeah. it wasn’t too bad.” 

He went inside and I cried most of the drive home. I wish there was a way to save him from this. 

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , ,
24 May 2013
11 Comments

What is happening?!

    You can’t make this stuff up. It’s been such a long week. 

    Sent: Monday, May 20, 2013 9:48 AM
    From: Me
    To: Asshat
    Subject: Follow up
    In regards to your suggestion of using Dr. ________________ for a provider, I am in agreement with that and will call to make D an appointment as soon as possible.
    In regards to D’s teeth, again, please feel free to contact his dental office to find out more about the treatment plan we currently have in place for him.
    In regards to your request to extend your time with A to Thursdays at 8 am, I do not agree to that change.

     

    From: Asshat
    To: Me
    Sent: Monday, May 20, 2013 12:54 PM
    Subject: RE: Follow up

    1.  I want to be part of the process for scheduling for D and feel more discussion regarding this needs to take place as was suggested by your attorney.  In light of what I saw last night I have more concerns with what is going on with D beyond what I had originally thought.  If you would like to share what your concerns and issues are with D.  I will be more than happy to engage in a discussion with you regarding mine so that a clear picture can be presented to the psychologist.  Some initial ground rules that I will be insisting on are that D be allowed to enter into sessions without either of us present so that he may feel safe and comfortable in discussing with the doctor his thoughts and feelings.  I have been assured that our individual input can be ascertained prior to both children’s attendance so the doctor may gather important information in regards to his treatment.

    Again, I want to reiterate that I want an active role in D’s treatment and feel we need to discuss concerns and scheduling prior to enrollment.

    2. Is it my understanding that you acknowledge you have not scheduled any orthodontics appointments for D to get fitted for braces?  In addition you are saying that you prefer me to do the scheduling of dental appointments exclusively and without your input?

    I am not sure what dental “treatment” plan you have in place for the children.  Could you please explain what “treatment” plan you have decided on beyond the braces, as you have not informed me of any such plan nor kept me abreast of any such developments?  Does it fall under the same insurance coverage that is represented by the copies of the insurance cards you last emailed to me?

    I am asking for clarification regarding each of these points.

    3.  In regards to A’s time with me, just from an hourly standpoint the current schedule is just over 70 hours a week and to attain 50% of the time would require more.  I am not asking for a significant extension of my time with A, just that we tweek the schedule a bit to reflect A’s position and to move closer to a true 50% split.  Given that A’s preference is to go through Thursday and to have his residence with me it would make more sense to go with the Thursday AM end time.  Your concern, as previously expressed to me was that the change in residence could not be done by you and needed to come from the court.  Changing this schedule would help facilitate this in a much smoother manner for A when we go before the judge.
    Again, and because I have yet to hear from you yet on this – D stated he wanted to stay over the night tonight and that you would drop him off this evening with all of the things he needs for school tomorrow.  What time should I expect him?

     

    From: Me
    Sent: Monday, May 20, 2013 3:03 PM
    To: Asshat
    Subject: Re: Follow up

    I disagree about needing a discussion with you regarding the kids need for counseling. We both agree that they need to go. It would be in their best interest that appointments for them get scheduled as promptly as possible.
    Regarding orthodontics, I do not need you to schedule any appointments. You should contact the dentist to discuss any of the questions you have regarding the treatment plan that we are following.
    I am not comfortable making further changes in the schedule regarding A without input from a counselor and/or court involvement.
    D has asked me to tell you that he does not want to visit you today. He said that when he wants to again, he will let me know, and I can arrange it with you.

    From: Asshat
    To: Me
    Sent: Monday, May 20, 2013 5:50 PM
    Subject: RE: Follow up

    That is interesting that you thought my comments centered on the kids “need for counseling.”  Let me clarify, I was asking about working together regarding issues that should be the focus of the counseling and working together on setting up a schedule.  So am I correct in understanding that you want no part in working with me to develop a schedule for counseling with the children and you plan on moving forward without my input into schedules and goals?

    I spoke with ________ Dental Clinic regarding D’s dental treatment plan.  The office informed me that they mailed you a letter on April 1st, requesting that you choose an orthodontist so that the treatment plan in question could commence but have not heard anything back from you in almost 2 months and therefore the plan has been stalled awaiting your choice.  The lady there also informed me that they do not have current insurance information either and I am not allowed to access any of the specific records of the plan because I am not listed in their files – thus once again I have no access to any particulars of the plan or past treatment records for which you just today suggested I get from them.  So the question for you is, as I had asked in the previous email, what is the status of their insurance?  Also, since it has been two months without you moving forward with this “treatment” plan, maybe you could share with me why D has not had an appointment scheduled and let me know what I can do to make this happen in the next few days?

    I am documenting the fact that once D has returned to you after a visit in which he proclaimed his desire to visit with me this evening, he suddenly has changed his mind about visiting with me tonight just like he did last evening only after you spoke to him – and that you do not plan on encouraging him to visit with me but instead have left the so called “decision” up to him.  By the same rationale as you are invoking here, does your actions regarding visitation with D mean that it will be fine if A decides he does not want to return to visit with you I am free to allow him to stay here until he changes his mind?

     

    From: Me
    Sent: Tuesday, May 21, 2013 8:19 AM
    To: Asshat 
    Subject: Re: Follow up

    We have agreed that the kids need counseling. We have agreed to a counselor. I do not believe any further discussion between you and I is needed at this time regarding this topic. I believe it is more appropriate for us to share our concerns with the provider regarding the children, rather than with each other at this time.
    You called the wrong dentist. Due to the poor care that D was receiving at _______ dental clinic  we changed dentists. You were informed of this in the email I sent you dated 5/9/13. They are now patients at ____________ Dental. I suggested at that time that you call them to discuss any questions you had.
    No, it is not fine for you to keep A beyond the previously agreed upon schedule.

     

    From: Asshat
    To: Me
    Sent: Tuesday, May 21, 2013 12:03 PM
    Subject: RE: Follow up

    I had no idea that the children were receiving poor care at ______dental clinic – because you never discussed it with me prior to taking them nor moving them to a new doctor.  Please tell me what your concerns were with ________dental clinic I would like to know.  Once again, I have indulged the wild goose chase and called ___________ Dental only to find that they suggested to you on May 1st that he see an orthodontist – they have no idea who the orthodontist is, nor any treatment plan for braces, because you have not told them.  I don’t know how to be any clearer with my question – Who is the orthodontist that is going to handle D’s braces and when is he scheduled to have the work done?

    Regarding the counselor, it is fine if you do not wish to discuss your concerns with me.  As I mentioned before the possibility of passing concerns along to the psychiatrist prior to starting treatment was always an option.  Given the fact that your current concerns only seem to have manifested with you after I made it clear that I would no longer accept delays in their treatment it is not surprising that you do not want to share them with me.  I will reiterate that scheduling should be a joint effort here and if you are not willing to work together on this than I will continue with scheduling as the Magistrate concluded I could.  D will need to be available for me to take him to these appointments once I know the doctor’s availability.  Should I not hear back from you, I will give you at least a weeks notice regarding the schedule determined.

    A has informed me that he will be staying with me until at least Thursday.  Should he change his mind and want to stay longer I will let you know.  He is almost 16 now and he is quite capable of making his own decisions in this area – and is quite clear as to what he wants.

     

    From: Me
    Sent: Tuesday, May 21, 2013 1:45 PM
    To: Asshat
    Subject: Re: Follow up

    The dentist told me that he would not recommend putting braces on D’s teeth until A. All his cavities are filled (which ________ dental clinic never even informed us that he had any cavities or else they would have been filled much sooner, and perhaps some of them could have been prevented). B. D needs to be a more consistent better brusher. He has had 3 cavities filled, he is scheduled to have 2 more in June, then the final ones will be scheduled after that. Once all the cavities are filled, we will then make an appt. with Dr. _______ in _______. If you would like to help pay for any portion of the out of pocket expenses that are incurred with all these procedures, please feel free to help out in that way. Otherwise, you can continue to contact the dental office directly with any other questions or concerns that you may have.

    While we agree that the kids need counseling, and have agreed on a provider, we still do not agree on who should be responsible for scheduling and transportation. We can wait for a resolution to this issue when it is heard by the magistrate.

    As for A. Yes, he is almost 16, and he is capable of making a variety of decisions. However, as his parents, the agreement that we already have established needs to remain in effect.

    From: Asshat
    Sent: Tuesday, May 21, 2013 3:06 PM
    To: Me
    Subject: RE: Follow up

    The fact that he needs so many cavities filled is not preventing you from getting the ball moving in terms of scheduling appointments now for braces.  If you have a problem with doing this I will follow the directions of the office and schedule the appointments now.  I am not interested in waiting any longer for you to do this on your own time table as you have had three years to do it and have balked at every chance to do so.  It is only now that we are engaged in the legal process that things seem to be moving forward.  If _______ is the orthodontist I will call him tomorrow and schedule an appointment to start the process.  If you have an issue with transportation I have no problem doing it.  As for the payment of the medical costs, you assumed responsibility for them when you devised the particulars of the divorce.  Given my state of mind at that point, as you are and were well aware, I had no part other than agreeing to ALL of your divorce agreement demands at that point and I have no intention of changing the specific medical responsibilities that I agreed to in 2010.

    Additionally, I am not interested in what appears to me to be you stalling the counseling process any longer.  You wanted no part in dealing with this and left the process exclusively to me the last time we discussed this before the magistrate in February.  I have tried to work with you in good faith per one of your attorney’s suggestions, but at this point it just seems to be another instance of you attempting to sidetrack the process to the detriment of the children.  You have had three years to make this happen as I have continually asked, suggested, and pleaded that you get them the counseling they need.  I see no benefit to the children in waiting any longer.  I will be scheduling the initial appointments and will let you know when they are if you want me to.

    As far as I know A will be returning to you on Thursday after school, unless he changes his mind before that time.  It seems sad at this point that this is the situation, but I am having a hard time explaining to him why D whom we also had an agreement of shared 50/50 custody in place and which is currently not being honored, is allowed to get “his” supposed way with visitation and A, who is considerably older, is not.  I will attempt to insist that he at least spend part of the week with you, because I feel that is his best interest, but at this point I cannot guarantee what he will want to do.

     

    From:  Asshat
    To: Me
    Sent: Thursday, May 23, 2013 2:45 PM
    Subject: RE: Follow up

    I have spoken with Dr.______ (orthodontist) office and they had no idea who you were and had no record of any contact with you regarding D and setting up an appointment for him.  I have given them all of the information needed to get this moving for D.  Sept. 12 – 11:00 at Dr. ________ office.  The cost will be 150.00 total and your responsibility – no insurance is accepted for the first visit and he will need a special type of x-ray at this visit unless you have already had one taken.  They seemed unconcerned by the fact that D still had cavities that needed to be filled and regardless there is plenty of time between now and then to get it done based on what you told me.  There is the possibility of an earlier slot in the event that another patient cancels as well.

    I have also made the call to Dr. ________(pschiatrist) office and am currently just waiting to see which time will be available next week – either Wed or Thurs at 11 or 1 are the times I was given but I am not sure they are still the correct ones at this time.  If you have a preference to one or the other feel free to let me know.  I think it best to alternate the days so the boys are not going at the same time too, and welcome your input.

    If these appointments are an issue for you I can transport them for the above listed, you will just need to let me know ahead of time.

     

    From: Me
    Sent: Thursday, May 23, 2013 2:14 PM
    To: Asshat
    Subject: Re: Follow up

    Thank you for calling the psychologist. If you would like to make an appt for A with Dr. _______, you should feel free to do that for a time when you are able to transport him yourself. While you are at that appt you can speak to the provider about your concerns for both children.

    I will make an appt for D for next week around my work and his school schedule, and will speak to the doctor myself about my concerns for both children.

    Thank you for making the appt for D with the orthodontist.

     

    From: Asshat
    To: Me 
    Sent: Thursday, May 23, 2013 9:56 PM
    Subject: RE: Follow up

    Just so we are clear, I am not asking you to make any appointments for them.  You made it clear that you did not wish to do so anytime soon.  Additionally, you seem to have some notion that I am only responsible for A and you are only responsible for D.  You are incorrect if that is your assumption.  I will be part of both of their counseling and if you want input as to when they should be scheduled than I suggest you tell me, but I will be scheduling this initial appointment for them and will let you know when it is if you have no preference.  Working together for the best interests of both children is the goal here – and me being an active participant is also in their best interests.  I am no longer leaving this for you to handle because recent and past experience has left me not trusting you to follow through and for some reason there appears to me that you have ulterior motives beyond the best interests of the children – otherwise why would you go out of your way to continually attempt to make this process longer, deny me access to D based on false pretenses, and at the same time continue to suggest that I am in some way a danger to my own child.  If you wish to share your concerns with Dr.________ I am sure you may do so by requesting the proper paperwork from his office or by going there yourself and talking to him personally.

    Again the times available, as far as I know at this time, for the initial consultation with the children are Wed and Thurs with 2 slots each day – 11am and 1pm.  Please feel free to let me know if you have a preference for future scheduling times and I will convey them to the Doctor.  I will be picking A and D up from school and transporting him to and from this initial appointment.  We can work out a set schedule of who transports whom after the first one unless I do not hear back from you before then.

    Please feel free to explain again why the orthodontist appointment could not be made sooner?  If there is no legitimate reason, I will entertain any early appointment slots that might open up due to other patient cancellations and take him as soon as they can get him in.

    I will also convey to you that part of my brief time with D was spent discussing his new school and his transition there.  Just so you are aware, it has been very hard for him and it is apparent that he is still having lots of difficulty with his new surroundings, as should have been expected having transferred so late in the year.  I would like to know what specific steps you actually took to ensure that the new school staff was made aware of D’s needs and preferences as a student like you mentioned to me you were going to do when you told me you were moving him.  This information will be helpful prior to meeting with the educational staff that work with D.

     

    Re: Follow up
    From: Me
    To: Asshat
    Sent: Today

    I have called Dr. ________ office and asked for clarification regarding these initial appointments and how to best to facilitate them.

    If you have questions regarding D’s school performance and transition, please feel free to call the School and speak to them directly.

     

     

    Read more…

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , ,
17 May 2013
3 Comments

Deceptive.

Its a fine line between talking shit to your kids about their dad, and just trying to be honest. I worry about that with my kids. I generally opt to say nothing when I’m worried about navigating that terrain…And sometimes I’m not sure that’s always the best idea. 

I found myself dancing up to that line with the conversation I had with D about his upcoming time with his dad. After our lawyer told us that X had brought A to meet her, and X wanted the three of them to discuss A living with him (which she did not entertain) I realized that despite, again, me trying to keep the kids out of adult matters, X is pulling them in. 

We aren’t totally sure what to expect from this visit. Will X be on his best behavior? Trying to woo D back to the dark side?
Will he continue to play favorites with A, leaving D with time on his hands all by himself?
Will he take this opportunity to grill D about why don’t you ever call? Why don’t you want to see me? Did you know your mom has a lawyer and is trying to take you boys away from me forever? 

I had a few minutes alone with D so I told him that I needed to talk to him about a few things. “Step dad and I have hired a lawyer to help us with getting some things from the court that we asked for from your dad. We want for you to be able to go see dad when you want, and when you don’t want to, then you don’t have to.”

D agreed, “ok, ok…that’s good! If he took me and didn’t bring me back, that’s KIDNAPPING!”

“Yes”, I said, “But right now you’re supposed to go half of the time, and we’re not making you go since you haven’t seen dad for a long time. We just needed someone to help us talk to the court about that. And we need someone to help us to make it so that I’m the only one who makes your medical decisions for you. Right now dad and I are supposed to do it together, but he is saying he wants you to stop taking your medicine. I don’t think that’s a good idea. And, since he hasn’t really seen you to know how the medicine helps you….”

D rolled his eyes and was disgusted. “Yeah.”

I continued, “Anyway, we weren’t going to talk to you guys about getting a lawyer, because, honestly, its not any of your or your brothers business, this is grown up stuff…but your dad, for some reason, took A to meet our lawyer over vacation. I was worried he might start talking to you about it, and I want you to understand what step dad and I are doing and why.” 

D said, “Right. Ok. That’s good.”

“Hopefully, it won’t come up and dad won’t talk about grownup things or try to give you a hard time about your medicine or visiting him….”

In a very serious tone D said, “But if he does, then I’ll just ignore it….” Then he smiled real big and said, “Just like I do to you! Hahahahaha!” 

I laughed…”Right, just like you do to me. I just don’t want you to have to talk about anything that makes you feel uncomfortable…you know your dad sometimes says things that are just…..” 

D finished my sentence with more awareness than I realized he had when he said, “Deceptive.”

“Right” I said. “But you know, I want you to be prepared, just in case it doesn’t go very well. But maybe it’ll be a nice surprise and it’ll be a super fun time, and we didn’t have to talk about any of this.” 

D said, “Yeah, maybe” 

And with that, the conversation was over. In my opinion, counseling can’t come soon enough. 

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , ,
21 Apr 2013

Phone call

Oh what an interesting turn of events. 

As I previously blogged about, X took A for the length of vacation. A missed time with his grandparents. None of this was planned. I didn’t get any notice…as usual. I haven’t talked to X on the phone since July of last year..until tonight. 

Well, today A texted me.
A: Hi, I want to stay the night at the new place in holden, Dad will take me to school tomorrow. I’d have to come pick up my book tonight so we can discuss it l8r.
Me: “Without being able to discuss this with your dad, no, sorry.
A: Yeah he’ll shoot you an email. 
Me: We’ll need to talk about it.
A: Well you need to unblock his number from your phone lol.
Me: His number isn’t blocked on my phone, but he’ll need to email me.
A: He can’t email the laptops in waterville and it is blocked he just tried to text you.
Me: The are no blocks on my phone
A: Well he has no way of using email and the messages aren’t going through how else do you suppose he could reach you.
Me: He call call me from your phone, he can email me from his phone, or he can call the home phone. 
A: You can call the school tomorrow and know that I got there on time and I have to stop by and school book so I can stop by say Hi hugs n sh*t
Me: I need to talk to your dad about this, not you, sorry.
A: About what, he can’t email you right now and you’d know whether or not I want to school. There’s honestly nothing to talk about it just seems as though you’re purposefully making things difficult. And i’d take the bus home to your house.
A: He said he’ll call and leave a message so don’t answer your phone.
Me: Or he can text me…
A: His messages to you aren’t sending, he can text you from my phone but I don’t think you want that. 

Then A called me and said “Hi, yeah, here he is….” 
X  says “Yeah A wants to spend the night again tonight I’ll take him to school tomorrow.”
I said “That doesn’t work for me. You’ve not been able to give me notice about bringing A home or taking him, or anything, so if you’d like to keep him again tonight, we need to work out an alternate arrangement for a more consistent schedule.  
X said he had no idea what I was talking about, what schedule? Consistent? What do I mean? He was angry and hollering this at me. He did a lot of talking over me. Saying that he shouldn’t talk to me, he should be talking to my lawyer, etc. He did a lot of hollering.
I was trying to get him to agree to a Sunday to Wednesday schedule – with consistent pick up and drop off times and locations. I said “Is that something you’d like? To have A from Sunday to Wednesday?” He hollered “THATS A NO BRAINER! OF COURSE! AND I INTEND TO HAVE HIM MORE!” I said, “For now, in the interim, would you like to pick him up at the store on Sunday mornings?” More screaming at me. More talking over me. I didn’t really know what he was trying to say. I heard something about he wasn’t going to to keep to a schedule like this, he only wanted to do what A wanted to do.
“So, you’re going to let A make all the decisions then?” I asked.
He said “A is 16! He can decide who he wants to stay with!”
I said that “A is 15, and until you manage to file the paperwork with the court to change what is already in effect, A lives with me, and that isn’t something he gets to make a choice about. So, do you want him from Sunday to Wednesday?” 
He was super pissy, saying that my lawyer should have told me this, he doesn’t know why he’s even saying anything to me about it, but our interim order was only for when he was in school, so now it goes back to what it was before! The order is meaningless! Then more  hollering, accusing me of twisting things, and being sneaky.
I said “I just want to come to an agreement for the time being that is consistent. Your refusal to give me any kind of notice about drop off times or pick up times is unreasonable and I want an agreement that doesn’t require that.”
He screamed at me “I HATE HE SOUND OF YOUR FUCKING VOICE! I’M CALLING YOU BEING CIVIL, BEING NICE, AND ALL YOU’RE DOING IS GIVING ME A HARD TIME! I HATE THE SOUND OF YOUR FUCKING VOICE!” I said, “That’s not really appropriate, so do you want to pick A up at 9am at the store?”
He was pissed. “Yeah the store, I’ll come get him at the store because you REFUSE to transport!”
I said “Oh I’ll bring him to you, I have no problem with that, I just need to know where to bring him.”
He said “NO! Fine! The store is FINE! Noon…I’ll pick him up at noon on Sunday!” 
I said, “ok great, so, then he can get off the bus on Wednesday’s at home?” 
His response was “Whatever, fine.” 

Then, he asked about D. He wanted D on the same schedule too. I said, “No, that’s not going to work. I’d rather have you email times for D rather than discussing it on the phone with you.”
He said “So, you’re telling me right now that you are refusing to the schedule for D as well?!”
I said, “Yes, there are no overnights for him right now, that’s not going to work.”
He said, “Ok thanks.” And that was the end of the conversation. 

About 3 minutes later A came home, was chatty and collecting his books and clothes for tomorrow for school. He seemed very ok. I was relieved.
I’m so tired of X making my kids choose between him and me. There is no point. A doesn’t have a home with his dad and home with me. As far as X is concerned, he can only have one home. And he needs to choose. 

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