Looking Forward

Making a better life for me and my kids

Archive for the tag “co parenting fail”

15 May 2013
7 Comments

Working jointly? As if.

Things at home have been stressed. 

D has asked to see his dad on Sunday, but wishes to be brought home after dinner. X has agreed. My husband is terrified of losing D to this monster. He doesn’t want him to go. He has talked about adopting him. Its not realistic, but I understand why he’s saying it. We don’t want D to be made to feel badly about himself. We don’t want D to feel like he has to choose which parent he loves more. We just want him to be OK. Its unlikely that will happen, because, we know how crazy his dad is. All we can do is be his constant. We love and accept him just how he is. If he doesn’t want to see dad, then he doesn’t have to. But, if he does, then we need to let that happen too. 

A is due home today. A strongly worded letter was sent to X telling him to not allow A to contact me for more time, as it creates unnecessary conflict between A and I. 

Meanwhile, I attempted to make counseling appointments for the boys. My attempts have been thwarted by X.  

His email on Monday to my lawyer said that he had no issue with me transporting D. He didn’t want me making the appointments however, because in the past I’ve abruptly stopped taking him to his appointments.He wanted me to agree to taking him 1-2 times week (maybe he didn’t really get his law degree, maybe he’s actually a psychologist?). Also, he said I shouldn’t be allowed to sit in sessions with D. He doesn’t want me, you know, trying to convince the psychologist of all of the issues I think D has, but refuse to tell X about. Hmmm, I wonder where he would get that idea? 

He did agree to schedule appointments for A, and would be responsible for his transportation.

But then, then next day, we’re not sure what happened, but my best guess is that he told A that he was going to be starting counseling. Likely, A revolted. Probably A said No.

These were his words to my lawyer, “I cannot agree to allow her to do whatever she wants with the scheduling and it will most likely be best for both children if I take more of an active role anyway.  I am more than happy to work out an arrangement where she and I will be jointly responsible for establishing a regular schedule with the counselor that meets the needs of the children, whomever that may be, and sharing in the transportation of both children to and from those sessions.”

Uh, no.  I was willing to make the appointments for, and to take D because, well, YOU HAVEN’T SPOKEN TO HIM SINCE JANUARY! Plus, I want D to understand his own worth isn’t based how his shitty father treats him. I will take him because D trusts me. He knows I wouldn’t take him to a provider I didn’t trust. He doesn’t feel this way about his father.

 

A on the other hand, won’t go. I had to bribe him to go before. He refuses now. This is why I told X that he can do it. He can make A go…or try anyway. Supposedly, this was important to him, so, he can be a parent for once. Give it a try. He’ll get to see what it’s like to try to make A do something he doesn’t want to do. He can’t be a parent and a peer, so, he’ll throw it back onto me. I can be the parent. The bad guy. He can be the buddy, feeling bad for A that mom is making him do such stupid things. Just like always.

And….he wants to work jointly with me? How is that going to work? Should I just do what you say? Because that’s how its been since I’ve known you. As long as you get what you want we’re all ‘compromising’. Does he think saying it to my lawyer will some how confuse everyone into believing that he’s been the victim of MY crazy all this time? 

Three years of refusal to work with me. Three years of SAYING he was working with me. Three years of SAYING I wasn’t working with him. Three years of twisted bullshit logic about what ‘working with’ someone means.
In his emails to my lawyer he keeps saying he wants a speedy resolution to this matter…but its HIM who is dragging his feet. He’s had 2 FULL months to schedule these appointments himself. He has had a week and a half of disagreeing on my choice of provider and not once offered up another name. 

Its going to be a bitter pill to swallow when people realize that your actions speak louder than your words, and he doesn’t get what he wants. At least I hope so anyway. 

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25 Apr 2013
4 Comments

Far more difficult than it needs to be. Again.

I imagine that you all are as sick of my ex as I am. I like that about you guys. 

I had a long talk with A, though text message and on the phone yesterday. He wanted to stay with x until Saturday, and I said no. I said, again, that if Dad wants more time with you, he needs to talk to me. A said that dad won’t talk to me unless all he has to do is send an email to me confirming what A has negotiated. A missed the bus while he was on the phone with me. He said he didn’t have any of his things from Dads house. I suggested that he call dad, have him pick him up at school, take him to his house, get his belonging and be dropped off at home. Or, the other choice was that I could come and pick him up. He said he’d call his dad. 
 
So, I sent this message to X.
 
X,
I just got off the phone with A. He missed the bus and will be calling you for a ride.
He’s asked to not come home tonight, he wants to stay with you until Saturday. I said no, but would compromise with him being home today and tomorrow and if it was ok with you, you could keep him from Friday afterschool until Saturday evening.

He also told me that you want him to do all the work in getting me to agree to a schedule change so then all you have to do is send me an email to whatever effect A has managed to negotiate. Please stop putting him in that position. These kinds of conversations should be between you and I. Of course you can decided between you and A what works best for you two, but I don’t want to be speaking to him on your behalf.

Had I known you weren’t going to be available this coming weekend, we could have made arrangements prior to today regarding extra time for you with A, but again, this is not something I should be dealing with A about, I should be dealing with you.

Thanks,
Stacey

 
At the same time he was emailing me, so as soon as I sent this, I received this one from X:
 
A just called me and said I should come pick him up.  I am going to do that since it appears he has missed his bus.  He also said that you told him I am going to do whatever anyway.  Just so we are clear, he is almost 16 years old.  He wants to spend time with me as much as possible and I am ok with that, but this is his choice and not my idea… but I am not pulling the strings here as hard as that might be for you to understand.
 
 
I replied:
 
What I told him is that you need to communicate with me any schedule changes. If you wanted to tell me that you were keeping A until Saturday, that you could do that, and then I would likely disagree, then it would be up to you to go from there and do whatever you do. I was trying to make the point that I can’t do much to get A home if you dont hold up your end of the schedule. All I can do is ask to be notified of plans that change, and to express my position about them. 
 
 
I received no response to that. At 7:15 last night I sent this:
 
Our agreed upon schedule had A coming home today. When do you plan on bringing him home?
 
His reply was:
 
Lets be clear here.  I am not asking anyone to negotiate for anything more than we agreed to already.  A flat out denies that he said anything like what you just told me in your previous email.  It would be good if you would stop implying that in a written email, or any other form for that matter, as if it were fact,  That has not been the case EVER.  I ask for him to discuss with me what he would like and talk to him about it – because communicating is what I feel is appropriate for a parent to do.  Again, you are not going to control what I talk to my son about.  You are not going to control any part of the communication within me and A’s relationship.  If after talking to me I advise him that it would be wise to speak to you about his thoughts first, I see nothing wrong with that.  That is teaching him to be responsible and giving him a voice.  This infatuation with you thinking that it is me going through him for scheduling needs to stop.  If I have a schedule change that I want I will be sure to bring it to your attention.  I want the children 50% of the time because they are my children and we agreed to that already back in 2010.  If it is something schedule wise that HE wants, it is very appropriate for him to speak to you – because he is a young responsible adult who is capable of expressing his wants and needs.  As hard as this may be for you to accept, he is not speaking on my behalf but his own.  What happened today is a prime example of this.  I had nothing to do with him being with me this evening, it has everything to do with him wanting to be here and you giving him the green light.  If either child is stranded at school (or anywhere) on your day and you don’t want him to stay with me feel free to tell him that and go pick him up instead of telling him that “I am going to do whatever I want” and that they can in essence feel free to call on me to be the responsible parent and go get him.
 
My reply:
It sounds like you’re suggesting that I am to make all scheduling arrangements for A’s time with you, with A? And again, when do you plan bring A home?
 
I let him have the last word.
 
All?  I have already made all the scheduling arrangements with you that I am inclined to – Sun through Wed.  Anything beyond that will require you to listen to him.  I am not bringing A anywhere tonight, I already went and picked him up at school when you didn’t.
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