The end of the world
Yesterday was the first baseball game I’d ever missed. I was talking to A about it online, he had a terrible sunburn from the previous day at the beach with no sunblock. I said I’d bring him something to drink when I saw him at the game. “I think dad is going to be at this one.” he said. I knew this was coming.
I’d read a an article that morning saying that in high conflict divorces, its ok to not be at the same events for the kids if there is so much tension that it’ll be hard for the kids. I don’t want anything to be harder for them then it already is.
“Would you rather I don’t come to this one?” I was holding back tears, sitting at my desk at work.
“Yeah” he said.
I said ok, that I’d miss seeing him play, I wished him good luck, and said if dad doesn’t stay to please let me know. He said he would.
All I could think about was last summer when X threw A into the middle of refusal to communicate with me. Holding a concert ticket over his head “you’ll find a way to get here if you really wanted to come” and “No, I am NOT going to talk to her!” Then A’s friend saying to me, in front of A “why doesn’t he just call you?” And A immediately snapped “BECAUSE HE HATES HER!” If he feels like he has to choose, the least I can do is to make sure that I’m not making him feel bad about not choosing me. He gets enough of that from his dad.
Turns out the sunburn prevented A from pitching or hitting very well. They lost by 20 points. I still would liked to have been there. But, like I said. I don’t want to make it harder than it already is. Plus, this is the ONE game X would have to take him to. The rest are on my time. We all know X won’t show up for those. The previous ones that were on X’s time, A stayed with me and asked me to take him. I guess one game isn’t the end of the world. But yesterday, it sort of felt like it.
Looking Forward 