Looking Forward

Making a better life for me and my kids

Archive for the tag “child support”

12 Jan 2015
9 Comments

Fafsa, taxes, and patience.

As you all know, A is preparing for college. At this point we’re working on the fafsa. I ran the numbers in the fafsa-4-caster to determine which situation would benefit A more, me claiming him or asshat claiming him.

I explained what I found to A, along with the standard “I am not an expert, this is just what I read, learned, found out, heard someone say one time, etc…” I also learned that private schools look at what constitutes ‘need’ differently than public schools, and we talked about what the averages are for need based aid for the schools he’s considering offer.

I’d like him to make some of these choices on his own, and to have as much information as I could give him. I told him if he wanted to use his dad’s info, he’d need to get with him ASAP and have him help with the form.

I received this email this afternoon:

From: Asshat
To: Me
FYI – A informed me that you plan on claiming him on taxes this year.  Kudos on telling him that in essence you are putting your taxes over your son’s best interest.  He will certainly receive considerably less aid based on EFC if you do this.  Your calculation of it only making a marginal difference in what type of aid he is awarded is indicative of your ignorance on the subject matter. 
Not that I care, but you will also receive significantly less in the form of my tax refund that is garnished as well.  But alas, your financial ignorance and indifference to your son’s future financial state is not my problem beyond the problems you create for him.

My guess is that he’s extra mad because now A has said, “mom is claiming me.” which means he can’t claim the kids on the sly like he normally does. And trying to tempt me with back support? Come on now – you owe me more than 5k, you’ll owe me that no matter how my taxes work out – so why would I get less back this year to get more money from you when I can get more back this year, and STILL get the money you owe me? I might just have to wait a little longer, but if I’ve learned anything from these last 4 years, it’s been patience.

 

Posted in bullying, co-parenting, crazy making, Divorce, narcissism and tagged , , , , ,
22 Apr 2014
8 Comments

Child support and the bar exam.

Three years and 10 months since I’ve been divorced and I received my first child support payment today.

Finally the state and court have worked in tandem and support payments will be direct deposited into my bank account as long as he continues to work. Considering the bills and loans he has, he really has no choice but to continue to work. 

I inquired about arrears that are owed to me. They explained the process and he needs to be served this notice of debt. However, if he chooses to ignore the two certified letters, which he has done, the state will employ the services of a process server to hand him this notice of debt. It’s like he thinks if he can just avoid it, it’ll go away. 

In other news, the bar examiners office has released the names of those who have successfully passed the exam that happened in February. Asshat’s name, shockingly, is absent from the list. 

The kids are on break this week from school. A should be with his dad, but he’s opted to be with me instead. “I’m not going to sit around out there with nothing to do for an entire week!” is what A said. Plus, A’s new girlfriend lives 2 minutes from our house…so there’s that. 

 

 

 

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , ,
26 Sep 2013
11 Comments

Frustration

I am beyond frustrated.

I feel like I’ve typed that sentence 100 times here in the last 10 months. But here I am, typing it again. 

It’s interesting to think about what “frustrating” really means these days. Traffic used to be frustrating. Lines at Wal-Mart used to be frustrating. The kids throwing fits and whining to get their way used to be frustrating. Funny how perspective changes. Now a court date that was rescheduled, X calling D and telling him he has to go to court and talk to a judge and a conference with the judge regarding the kids as witnesses not being scheduled until the middle of October is frustrating. 

It’s as though the more anxious I am for this to end, the quicker the Universe is to shut me down. 

I was looking at child support worksheets today. If I make more than X, and if we both provide “substantially equal care” for A, than the person who makes more money is considered the “non-primary caregiver” for the purposes of the form. That would mean If I make more than X,  I will likely have to pay him support for A. I am trying to be hopeful that I am misunderstanding this form. I am trying to apply common sense here and trust that the system isn’t going to take my child away from me, and then make me pay X for the favor. You’d think with D, it would end up being a wash, that I’ll remain the primary caregiver, and that X would then owe me, but the calculations indicate a discrepancy of $66.00 a week. Meaning, I’d owe X $66.00 a week more than he’d owe me – so I still end up paying him. How can that be? I’ve got to be reading these forms wrong. 

Whether I’m wrong or not, I guess it’s not the worst thing to be prepared for something like this. I’ll file it away under “Worst case scenario.” 

I emailed my parents to let them know that court had been postponed. I said I was a mess of stress and anxiety. I just want this to be over.  This is the response I got from my dad: 

Stacey, I truly understand about being a mess of stress and anxiety. It looks as if time will be your only antidote. But in the mean time you should take solace in yourself. You are a remarkable person. You have come so far and accomplished so much, all through a ridiculously difficult period of time. Very few people would of ever come this far. I’m unbelievably proud of you and your accomplishments and I’m a hard man to impress. So find solace in yourself, your abilities and your accomplishments. The only advice I can offer you is, that whenever you are tempted to look how much farther you have to go, stop and turn around and marvel at far you have come.
Love, Dad
Posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , ,
08 Aug 2013
6 Comments

Pathetic existence

X did not sit for the bar. He was on the list. He paid the $450.00. He just didn’t bother to take the test. My lawyer thinks its because he doesn’t want to have the earning potential of a lawyer before our trial (he thinks he’ll pass). 

The rules are that the $450.00 fee is not refundable. They will hold it for 4 test cycles. If he wants to use it he’ll have to pay a $100.00 administrative fee. 

I’m not sure if I mentioned this before, but we found out that X has a job now. He got the job back that he had before he left for law school. 

It must be so frustrating to have such a pathetic existence. 

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , ,
11 Mar 2013
12 Comments

Who’s your daddy?

Mediation on Thursday was a colossal waste of time. Waste of my time. Waste of my husbands time. Waste of the mediators time. Waste of the magistrates time. 

I requested not be in the same room as X during mediation. This takes away his power. He likes to holler, he likes to talk over me, he likes to be a bully….consequently, he refused to agree to anything. 

I asked for a set schedule for the boys. His response was “I have to think about it.” 

I asked for medical and educational decision making to be allocated to me. His response was “No.”

I asked for child support. The mediator filled in the worksheet. If they impute his wages at minimum wage, 7.50 an hour, he will owe me 87.00 per week. His response was “I can’t afford that. I want a paternity test.” 

During our status conference the magistrate was beyond confused about this. He told X that he would have to file a motion, and it was unlikely that a judge would approve such a request, as it unlikely to be in the best interest of the children. He also told X that it he didn’t understand that why, now after mediation, is this coming up? His response was, “Actually the mediator suggested it.” The magistrates jaw literally dropped. “Excuse me?” X followed up with, “She cheated on me during the entire length of our marriage. If I am not the children’s biological father, they have a right to know who is.” The magistrate went on to say that regardless of the outcome of any paternity test, he was dad to the kids, nothing is going to change that. 

Since nothing was agreed upon, we are now going to go to trial. Over a set visitation schedule and child support. Seriously. What a waste of time and resources. 

We were both encouraged to come to a resolution prior to a trial. X keeps bringing up that the boys need to be in therapy. A won’t go. He doesn’t want to. I can’t make him. D knows when he needs extra help or someone to talk to. He’s doing ok right now. Anyway, during the status conference X continued to try to get a resolution to this issue. I suggested that X take them. For familiarity sake, the kids can go back to the counselor they had before. X complained that he didn’t have their insurance information. I said I would copy their insurance cards for him. He muttered something that sounded like agreement. I know he won’t take them, but at least it got him off my back about it.

I asked about in the meantime, what a temporary schedule could look like, as the current Sunday to Wednesday isn’t being utilized. He asked X, “What do you suggest, sir?” He responded, “When my older boy wants to see me, he lets me know. I can’t really give any notice about it.” I chimed in, “I’d like to know when and where you’re going to be dropping off and picking up.” The magistrate said to X, “Can you choose a neutral place for pick ups and drop offs to happen?” Apparently, this caught X off guard. “Uh, no, I can’t right now. I’d have to think about it I guess.” 

The magistrate said, “It is important for you to know that during your trial the judge will not only listen to what you say and what evidence you present, but he’ll also be noting your behavior. And sir, your inability to choose a place, well, all I can say is your behavior matters.” 

After an entire day of dealing with his bullshit, I was glad for it to be over. I’m angry that I’ll likely have to get a lawyer to go to trial with me. I’m angry that his is so selfish and delusional that he thinks a paternity test will get him out of paying me 87 dollars a week. I was even more angry when I got this email from him on Thursday night:

From: X
To: Me
Sent: Thursday, March 7, 2013 8:39 PM
Subject: Visitation/suggestions

I suggest alternating weekends – for D you can drop off in Winslow at the local and nearby Irving station (I will be across the street waiting and within view until you have left) and I will drop off at the Irving near you.  Saturday you drop off at 12:00 through Sunday at 5:00 when I drop off.  A can come the following weekend on Friday night until Sunday.  This is until such time that I am able to move to Brewer.

I further suggest in the best interests of the children and while there is still time, that you dismiss the modifications and I will not bring any subsequent action.  Starting somewhat fresh.  It is your call, but I would like to reiterate that going forward with this will not be in their best interests nor ours.  Court is very costly and time consuming and will only end up having negative effects on them.

I didn’t respond. I didn’t want to. I’d been waiting since October for a resolution, I wasted a whole day waiting for a resolution. The next morning he emailed me again. It said “So nothing?” Apparently I wasn’t complying with his crazy quickly enough. I replied that I needed to think about it. I didn’t think about it. I wanted to be done thinking about this shit for a while. Some time on Saturday I responded:

From: Me
Sent: Saturday, March 09, 2013 7:26 PM
To: X
Subject: Re: Visitation/suggestions

X
I agree to alternating weekends. You can pick A up at the high school after class, every other Friday. You can drop him back off at the high school or the Irving Gas Station on North Main in Brewer by 5pm on Sunday.  We are willing to meet you in Newport (half way) at the Dunkin Donuts at 5pm on Sunday, if that’s more convenient.
I have talked to D, and he continues to be uncomfortable with the idea of being away from home overnight with you.  However, he is open to the idea of spending time with you during the day. Perhaps, you could come to Bangor/Brewer for the day every other weekend, and spend 3-5 hours with him in the area to start. The pick up/drop off for D can occur at the neutral location of your choosing in the Bangor/Brewer area.
As far as picking up and dropping off, we are not willing to leave A or D anywhere.  You are required to be present at the pick up/drop off.  This agreement is all contingent on you personally communicating directly with me, regarding any and all scheduling changes or modification as soon as possible.  And I will do the same.
Thanks,
Stacey

This afternoon he replied “I’ll take this under advisement.” Whatever asshole, do whatever you want. I really don’t care. You think this is a game? You like thinking you’re in control? You like thinking that you somehow have the upper hand here? You don’t. You don’t have anything. You ARE going to have a set schedule, you ARE going to pay me child support. I’ll likely have a lawyer for this trial, you might even wind up with SUPERVISED visits after the court finds out the stupid shit you talk to A about. You’ll also likely have your wages imputed far above minimum wage now that you have, not only a bachelors degree, but your JD as well. The internet has lots of information about how much your earning potential really is. 

The average attorney in Maine earns an annual salary of $76,950 as of May 2009, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics’ Occupational Outlook Handbook. Half of all attorneys who practice in Maine earn salaries between $56,870 and $106,110, although the most poorly compensated 10 percent of lawyers in the state earn $45,580 or less annually. 

 

 

Posted in abuse, child support, co-parenting, court forms, crazy making, Divorce, kids, parenting, reality, worry and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,
04 Dec 2012
13 Comments

Thanks, Asshole.

This is from the online banking page for the Home Equity loan account. This is a loan in both of our names, so when he misses a payment, it kills my credit score. The amount of the line of credit is $10,000. No amount of pleading with the bank will make them remove my name. He needs to refinance this line of credit. He cries about not having money or a job, so he can’t possibly.

What this shows is that the ex made a loan payment on the home equity loan of $73.66, and then another one of $8926.34 on 11/5/12. I have no idea where that kind of money is coming from. He’s a super poor student, remember? He then took  $3000.00 out from that line of credit on 11/21, then another $890.00 on 12/3.

Oddly, my rent check that I mailed on 11/26/12 still hasn’t been cashed.

12/03/2012 Payment 100.00
12/03/2012 Note increase 890.00
11/21/2012 Note increase 3,000.00
11/05/2012 Payment 8,926.34
11/05/2012 Payment 73.66

I have full access to this money. I just need to go to the bank and say I’d like to make a withdrawal from this account, show them my ID and sign a receipt. What a lovely Christmas gift $5000.00 would be. But a better gift would just to be off of this loan all together.

My email to him:

Asshole, (I used his real name, of course)
I continue to have complete withdraw and view access to the HE loan. With your recent deposits, I feel it’s best for you to refinance or pay off the loan as soon as possible, and get my name off of it, as the divorce says to do. 

 I’m sure the email was pointless. We all know you can’t reason with a crazy person. I’m really pissed about this. Thanks for the child support, asshole.

 

 

Posted in abuse, child support, Divorce, kids, Uncategorized and tagged , , , ,
02 Nov 2012
6 Comments

Pity me, I live in CrazyTown.

So after the response I got from the X yesterday taking a giant leap into CrazyTown, I had to think about how I wanted to respond. Clearly I’d like to point out that no lawyer in their right mind would say the stupid crap he’s saying about terminating his rights. Clearly this is all for show. Otherwise, had he done his research about this topic, (like I have) he’d know that in order to give up his rights, he needs someone willing to take his place. The kids would need to be adopted by someone else as their “father”. So, this was just him whining, wanting to be pitied, wanting me to say “Oh no no, YOU’RE their father!” I’m out of the Making It All Better Business in regards to him. Rather, my response was:

_________________

From: ME
To: X
Subject: Re: resolution

No where did I suggest that you terminate all of your parental rights and responsibilities.
As I am sure you are aware, court orders need to be modified from time to time. Based on the issues we’ve experienced with the current court orders as far as notification and visitation, we wish to have language in place to ensure the kids have consistency and adult matters are kept between the adults.

_________________

After I sent it, I didn’t know what to expect. Was he going to come raging back about what a whore I am? How all my “past actions” have denied me the opportunity to “ever be trusted again!”? You know, the usual talking points I get in response when I ask for something. If not that, then likely, I wouldn’t hear anything at all. However, a few short hours later, this is his answer:

_________________

From: X
To: ME
Subject: RE: resolution

True. I am aware of quite a bit more now, than I was a few years ago.
_________________

I’ve done this long enough now to know that this is manipulation. This is “talk to me , press for what you want, engage me in conversation.” This email made me more uncomfortable than I’d been in a long time in dealing with him. I can handle the screaming, the name calling, the shitting all over my parenting and life choices. But this, this is just dripping with ‘pity me’. Blech!

Looks like negotiations are over.

Posted in abuse, child support, co-parenting, crazy making, long distance parenting, parenting and tagged , , , ,
31 Oct 2012
5 Comments

flashes of hope vs. reality

I had an interesting moment this morning when I received an email from my ex saying he’d been served, and what was I proposing for discussions / agreement prior to a case management hearing.

From: X
To: Me
Sent: Wed, Oct 31, 2012 03:31:35 GMT+00:00
Subject: RE: resolution

I have received papers from the Sheriff. You suggested you wanted to discuss or negotiate prior to the case management conference. What is it that you propose?

It was the first email since our divorce that was void of judgment, name calling, seething bitterness, etc. I had a flash of hope. I had a flash of hope. My head was suddenly flooded with all the things I wanted to say “please stop being a giant child and follow the rules.” “I’m trying as hard as I can to make things ok for the kids.” “Your anger and hate towards me makes the kids feel unsure and uncomfortable.” “Just call me when you want to see them, call me if you want them longer, call me if you need me to pick them up somewhere else…just be a normal human and communicate!” I had a flash of hope that maybe THIS time would be the time he’d hear me.

Needless to say, this flash was quickly fizzled out once I checked my sons’ FB page.

  • Dad
    helloo my boy, hope you got the day off today lol. wouldnt want you to brave that crazy wind! I am having the furniture dropped off at (grandmothers) old house and need you to help out. I have some money for you for helping out 🙂:)
  • Son
    Ok well let me know when and no we didn’t get the day off
  • Dad

    aww that sucks bud 😦:( Thursday night at 5pm at (her old) house – call (your grandfather) and he can maybe give you a ride – I will arrange for them to have some money for you too – $20 sound ok? Probably could cover a friend helping you out as well, let me know – and delete this shit will ya!!

Oh Stacey….you and your flashes of hope! He hasn’t changed any. He’s playing this game. He’s being nice to you (or not an asshole) because he doesn’t want to pay child support. He’s managing to remove his anger and normal jackassery to increase the chances that he’ll get what he wants. But here is the reality – here he is, telling his son that something as simple as helping to move furniture must be a big secret from your mother. Everything must be a secret…even things that seemingly don’t matter. Don’t ask your mom for a ride, ask your grandfather, that you haven’t spoken to in close to a year (since Christmas).
Its been a long time since I’ve had a flash of hope about him being a normal person. Luckily, reality is here to slap me in the face.
Posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , ,
24 Oct 2012
2 Comments

Ranting…

Ah, the lovely process of having an insane ex husband being served court papers…

I mailed the papers to South Dakota, about 2 weeks ago he told my son he’d been served, but then told me that he had not. The sheriff’s dept cashed the check I sent. I assumed (bad idea) that he’d, in fact, been served. I emailed them to ask when I might be receiving my paperwork back, so I could file with the court. Here is the response I got:

“I pulled that file to check. There are a lot of notes on it. He has moved but the deputies were able to locate a new address. It’s not in Vermillion but they know where he is. I see that they have been able to reach him by phone and messages have been left both ways but they have not caught up with him at home. It doesn’t sound like he’s been deliberately difficult to locate, it just hasn’t worked out to find him in person yet. They are still working on this one and hopefully it will be served soon.”

They think he’s not avoiding service? I promise you he is. He’s likely not even staying at his ‘home’ anymore, hes probably staying with friends and couch surfing. He, like in Hawaii, got wind that we were looking to serve him, and has gone into hiding. Anything to avoid paying me child support.

In other news, he spoke with A over facebook last night. Told him he was buying new furniture for when he “gets back”. I somehow doubt that includes beds and dressers for the kids.

I am frustrated. And angry. I don’t want him to come back here. I also don’t want him to have new furniture. I don’t care how petty that sounds, but it would be nice if his kids had a little bit of (or any!) priority in his finances (or any part of his life at all!). I want him to be served already. I want to file papers with the court and get this process underway. But no. We have to wait on him and his stupid fat ass before the world can start spinning again I guess. As it goes with all Narcissists I guess – everything is about them, everyone gets to wait on them, when they are ready, then we’d better be ready – they won’t wait for anyone. This reminds me of all the times he’d say “hurry up!” so I would, the kids would, only to then have to wait another 30, 60, 120 minutes for him to finish whatever he was doing.

And dreams of this being ‘easy’ and perhaps negotiating for what I want in lieu of support? That ship has sailed. F- him.

Maybe I’m just angry and typing things that, after a night of sleep, will look different tomorrow. But right now, I am just so angry. Moved and didn’t tell his kids? New phone number and didn’t tell his kids? Only talks to one kid, and only 6-10 sentences every few days, and generally, only about what a bitch I am? What does he really think is going to happen here? Does he seriously think that he’s going to get A to stand in front of the judge and say anything convincing enough to keep me from continuing to be the one consistent parent in his life?

Not having any way out of this f-ing mess is making me crazy. I hate that he exists, that he can talk to my kids, that I have to pay him rent every f-ing month. I feel like a cat trying to be stuffed into a box – claws out, flailing wildly, desperate to grab onto something to propel myself free of this situation. But, I’ve got nothing. Sitting and waiting. That’s all I get to do. Fucking wait. For his stupid fat ass.

Posted in abuse, child support, co-parenting, crazy making, Divorce, kids, long distance parenting, parenting and tagged , , , ,
16 Oct 2012
8 Comments

And so it begins….again

He’s been served. And of course he did what any normal parent would do, he decided to talk to his child about it.

Dad:

  • hey bud, you around?\

Son:

  • Yeah

Dad:

  • so I have been served with papers from your mother again…
  • you there?

Son:

  • Wtf for this time

Dad:

  • looking for money again. I told her last time that if she goes for money, I might not be able to afford to live back in that area. There just simply is not enough of a market for a new attorney there.

Son:

  • Alright.

Dad:

  • If I live in the area do you still want me to be your primary residence?
  • your call bud. I am not going to lay it all on the line and fight this out if you dont want to live with me.

Son:

  • Yes

Dad:

  • I don’t mean to put you on the spot and it is ok whatever you want – honest. I just need to know what you want
  • It will most likely mean that you will need to go to court though. They are going to want to hear it from you. Just saying
  • ??

Son:

  • Primary residence w/ you

Dad:

  • I am sorry this has to be, or will be so crappy. I didn’t want this at all. things just need to get settled. Some finality is really needed here. ya know?

Son:

  • Ik
  • Ppl r dumb

Dad:

  • How are you doing today?

Son:

  • Good. You?

Dad:

  • well ya know – gearing up for the last 6 weeks of the semester and then two more for finals. The BAR application was or has been a very long and detailed process…. so short answer busy lol

Son:

  • Haha fin
  • Fun

Dad:

  • yeah, not really. Which is why the timing of all of this crap really sucks! but it must be done
  • Gotta head to class bud. Love ya and miss ya – talk to you soon

 

Posted in abuse, child support, co-parenting, court forms, Divorce, kids, long distance parenting, parenting and tagged , , , , ,

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