Looking Forward

Making a better life for me and my kids

Archive for the tag “bullying”

06 May 2015
4 Comments

Heartbreaking

Two weeks ago D unblocked and attempted to re-add his father on Facebook. A couple of days later he asked me what his father’s email address was. I gave it to him.

Yesterday D came to me and asked if he could email his father and maybe go visit this weekend.

I told him that he could email his dad anything he liked. I reiterated  the rule about the court order, every other weekend Friday to Sunday, and dad had to email me about it beforehand.

D went ahead and emailed his dad, “Will I be able to come to your house this weekend?”

His father replied, “I have heard nothing from your mother, and she was very specific, as was her attorney and the court, that we are not allowed to discuss visits.  If she emails me and agrees with my rules for you to come visit I would think it is possible.  Sorry D, it is just out of my control based on how things turned out with the court last time.  I hope all is well with you though.  Love – Dad”

D came to me with this email. I asked about other emails he’d sent his dad, D said that he’d asked about going camping and catching up with each other, but dad’s response was that he didn’t have time for that right now. D replied to that, but his dad did not respond.

I said that I didn’t want him to be in the middle of all of this, but we spent a lot of money and time getting the court to make a decisions about all this that was fair for everyone. Your dad knows what the deal is, so if he wants you to come over and visit, all he has to do is send me an email.

I asked him, “So why do you think that dad doesn’t just send me an email? Like all excited to have you come over and visit?”

D said, “its psychology.”

I asked him to clarify, and he did…”If me and my friend got in a fight and my friend wanted to make up, but I didn’t, I’d do the same thing that dad is doing. I’d make my friend work to prove that he really wanted to make up. Like the last email I sent dad, I got the last word. He didn’t respond. So I took the initiative and emailed him again asking if I could come over this weekend”

I said, “Ok, but you realize that might be how kids your age act, but for an adult to treat you that way….” D finished the sentence “Isn’t good? Yeah I know.”

I said, “if you’d like you can email dad and let him know that the next step is for him to send me an email if he wants to see you. And what is the plan if he doesn’t email me?”

D said, “Well I guess that means he doesn’t want me to come visit.”

D sent another email to his father last night after our conversation, and forwarded it to me,

“Mom said that if you want to see me, you’d have to email her and say when you’d want me over. I would like you to pick me up after dive on Saturday and we could go back to the old house, and idk, do stuff I would come home Sunday. I would also like that to become a regular thing every weekend or every other weekend. Love D”

I know you’ll all be shocked to hear that asshat hasn’t emailed me about this.

Posted in abuse, co-parenting, crazy making, kids, narcissism and tagged , , , ,
12 Jan 2015
9 Comments

Fafsa, taxes, and patience.

As you all know, A is preparing for college. At this point we’re working on the fafsa. I ran the numbers in the fafsa-4-caster to determine which situation would benefit A more, me claiming him or asshat claiming him.

I explained what I found to A, along with the standard “I am not an expert, this is just what I read, learned, found out, heard someone say one time, etc…” I also learned that private schools look at what constitutes ‘need’ differently than public schools, and we talked about what the averages are for need based aid for the schools he’s considering offer.

I’d like him to make some of these choices on his own, and to have as much information as I could give him. I told him if he wanted to use his dad’s info, he’d need to get with him ASAP and have him help with the form.

I received this email this afternoon:

From: Asshat
To: Me
FYI – A informed me that you plan on claiming him on taxes this year.  Kudos on telling him that in essence you are putting your taxes over your son’s best interest.  He will certainly receive considerably less aid based on EFC if you do this.  Your calculation of it only making a marginal difference in what type of aid he is awarded is indicative of your ignorance on the subject matter. 
Not that I care, but you will also receive significantly less in the form of my tax refund that is garnished as well.  But alas, your financial ignorance and indifference to your son’s future financial state is not my problem beyond the problems you create for him.

My guess is that he’s extra mad because now A has said, “mom is claiming me.” which means he can’t claim the kids on the sly like he normally does. And trying to tempt me with back support? Come on now – you owe me more than 5k, you’ll owe me that no matter how my taxes work out – so why would I get less back this year to get more money from you when I can get more back this year, and STILL get the money you owe me? I might just have to wait a little longer, but if I’ve learned anything from these last 4 years, it’s been patience.

 

Posted in bullying, co-parenting, crazy making, Divorce, narcissism and tagged , , , , ,
26 Dec 2014
2 Comments

Holidays

Things have been quiet. Well, quiet besides me taking too many classes this semester and being totally overwhelmed with school, work, kids and life in general.

A has been accepted to his first choice school, and is being schmoozed by the coaches, wanting him to play football. I’ve driven to the far end of Massachusetts twice now – but I guess they’d like him to come back again for an “official overnight visit”. Ugh, really?

Its been an interesting journey, trying to keep him on track with realistic expectations about how much work college actually is and how it will be VERY different than high school. But you all know how kids are – they know EVERYTHING already.

D has successfully joined the high school dive team. He’s participated in actual meets, and scored points for his team. He LOVES it! I am so happy that he’s found something like this. They practice 5 days a week, 2 hours per day. Its been very good for him!

Also, D has been discharged from counseling. I haven’t mentioned this to asshat. I don’t think it would even matter if I did. I suppose if he gave a shit, he could be contacting the counselor himself. Right?

Last night A went over to asshat’s girlfriend’s house for a small Christmas with them. I was annoyed when A brought home presents that they gave him – and D got nothing. Again. The thing is, the girlfriend has met D before. She knows he exists. She knows he and A live in the same house. But yet, it didn’t occur to her to get anything, even something small, for D? I’m not surprised, but I am irritated. Because you know, it’s totally healthy and normal for all adults to punish children by withholding gifts and love for non-compliance and disloyalty.

A will be going to his fathers this evening for a Christmas with that side of the family. I’m not going to hold my breath about A coming back with any gifts for D. Its sad though – D won’t say anything about it, and pretends he doesn’t notice , but I know that he does.

A asked if I could print off 2 sets of extra pictures for him to give to his grandmother and uncle (asshat’s mother and brother). These are the same pictures that the kids gave to my parents, one of A holding the cat in front of the Christmas tree and one of D sitting with the dog in front of the tree. That side of the family has had NO contact with D for YEARS now. None at all. They aren’t going to recognize him in a picture…other than A telling them who it is. I was uncomfortable with giving them pictures of D without talking to him first – but then I thought that maybe this is A’s attempt at reminding that side of the family that they are brothers. Maybe I wont worry about dragging D into this. “A is going to give a picture of you to your grandparents and uncle that haven’t had anything to do with you for 4 years or so as a Christmas present.” I feel like if he knows about it, and they STILL ignore him and don’t send any gifts, cards, emails or phone calls, that it will make him feel shitty all over again.

But, even A isn’t safe from his father’s bullshit. Over dinner last night A told me that his father said that the graduation rate for the college A wants to go to is only 20%. A and I talked about how that didn’t seem possible, considering the retention rate from Freshman to sophomore was 85%. I looked it up later myself and found out that their graduation rate is actually 6% higher than the ‘average’ college’s graduation rate, which is about 43%

I don’t have any idea why asshat would say anything except “How can I help you pay for this?” when it comes to A’s college choices…

Blah.

Anyway…Christmas was lovely for all of us, we had a nice dinner on Christmas eve and a family game of monopoly afterwards. Christmas day was fun and we had a big breakfast and then a fancy dinner in the evening. It was nice to have things feel so much easier than last year!

Happy holidays to you all!

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , ,
04 Aug 2014
8 Comments

Trash

There has been no contact between Asshat and I since the email exchange where he gave me dates for his trip to Europe. So, imagine my surprise when I got this email (from his old email address that he told me not to use anymore) this evening, with the subject line being “Trash”.

Trash

From: Asshat

To: Me

Today at 7:05 PM

You are some kind of piece of trailer park trash to tell A your going to give him only 125 for school clothes.   Maybe you should get your priorities straight and use some of the money you mooch off of me each week and put your child ahead of your own personal interests.   I know this is not the same thing as drugging up your own child cause you two can’t handle kids without a drink,  so please feel free this one time to pretend to be a responsible parent.  PS try letting him shop somewhere other than target or Wal-Mart too as I think he would prefer that. 

 

I’m not sure the projection could be any more evident if he labeled each sentence “this is projection”.

Not that it really matters, but I’ll just point out a few things:

  1. While it’s a rental, I live in a huge and beautiful house, not a trailer. Not in a trailer park. Also, unlike Asshat, we do have cold AND hot running water here.
  2. I budgeted $500.00 for each kid for back to school shopping. I only gave A $125.00 over the weekend so he could do a little shopping on his own while he is in Boston with his friend.
  3. ADHD meds are not “drugging up your kid” when they are serving the intended purpose of treating the ADHD symptoms so that your kid can actually function effectively.
  4. I only ever drank to deal with my abusive asshole husband, never to deal with my kids. Needless to say, I don’t drink anymore. Not even a little.
  5. The only time the kids buy clothes at Walmart is when they need an orange sweatshirt for tomorrow, or a dress shirt and a tie for the concert tonight. Walmart is awful and as a general rule, we avoid it at all costs. I do love Target though.
  6. I have not had any ‘personal interests’ that have come before my children’s interests for the last 17 years. A texted me tonight to say “dad doesn’t have any money to pitch in for school clothes”. So, if I wanted to know what it was like to put my own interests first, I could ask the asshole that just got back from a month in Europe and now has no money to buy any clothes for the kids.
Posted in abuse, adhd, bullying, child support, co-parenting, crazy making, Divorce, kids, medication, narcissism, parenting, school and tagged , , , ,
11 Jun 2014
4 Comments

almost summertime!

Its been a long time since I’ve posted here…lets see what there is to catch up on.

1. things with asshat remain the same. He’s not spoken to or contacted D since February when D tried to call and arrange to visit. I have been getting regular child support payments (yay!). However, he is now 60 days past due with the HELOC. With his trip to europe in a couple of weeks, we’re not sure what will happen with support payments. 

2. A: The schedule that A has been sticking to is 10 days with me, 4 days with asshat. Baseball will start for him today. He’s looking forward to it, which makes me happy. A will be wrapping up his Jr year in a few days and will officially be a senior. Unbelievable.

We’re still college hunting. We (husband and I) had a talk with A on Sunday about it. The previous Wednesday A texted me out of the blue and said he wanted to do Early Decision at the University of Miami. I have no idea where that came from. After our talk on Sunday, it became clear. Asshat has an opinion. The school A had chosen as his first choice, Coastal Carolina in South Carolina, was now a “terrible idea”. Thats what his father told him. A terrible idea. Asshat has never been to SC, he’s never attended coastal carolina, and its more than likely he’s never even MET anyone who went there. Asshat’s idea for A is that he should apply to Texas A&M, Harvard and California Polytech. Asshat believes that it is very important that A be attempting to attend a “nationally ranked school”. He told A that a nationally ranked school has more actual professors and not as many regular teachers. It is very clear to me that asshat is putting as much effort into research about A’s secondary education as he did his own. A isn’t even close to being considered for acceptance to any of those schools. He is a B and sometimes C, sometimes A student. He’ll only have 3 years of high school science. He does not have a job. He does not volunteer. He is not a qualified candidate for these schools. I hate to say it, but he’s just not. Asshat told him that if he graduates from Harvard that he’ll make 50k a year to start. I guess asshat knows this because he also graduated from harvard and now makes 50k a year? or knows someone who has? No, and No. A’s other school choice was West Virginia University. Asshat told him that this was also a terrible idea. There was also mention that asshat told A that he gets an extra 5k for claiming him on his taxes, and thats good because he only make 25k a year compared to my 90k a year. That guy is on crack. He makes more money than I do, which is why HE pays ME support! Sometimes I wish I could live in such delusion. 

I told A that we would help him with application costs for up to 5 schools, but we would like them to be schools that he actually could be accepted at, even if its a long shot, and that they be schools he actually would want to attend. He doesn’t want to live in New England. He wants the weather to be warm. He wants the school to have a decent football team. He wants to be within a few hours of the coast. And he’d like to major in business. I’ve asked A to look at Virginia Tech. He said he’d look into it. 

3. D: His birthday is on Thursday. He’ll be 14. I have no idea how that happened. We had an appointment with is primary doctor last week. He’s 120 lbs and 5 foot 7 inches tall. Again, I don’t know how that happened. For his birthday we’re going to take him to the Boston Comic Con in August. He wants to go as a ringwraith. If anyone has any ideas about how to make a ringwraith costume, please let me know! 

There is a computer camp for a week in July that D is excited about. He’s never done anything like this before. Its nice to see him get excited about going out into the world and trying new stuff. He’ll be starting high school in the fall. He now has glasses in addition to braces, and he could not be happier about it. He’s continuing to dive on Saturday mornings. He’s recently asked that we not go and watch. He believes he does better when we’re not there. Husband said this was the same thing he felt like when he was 13 and played baseball. 

4. Meanwhile, I still hate my job. So. Much. We’ve tossed around the idea of just packing up and moving to VA or NC or FL. D is on board with that idea, but he’ll likely be singing a different song after his first year of high school, since we couldn’t go until after A was graduated. I guess we’ll see how things look in a year or so. The job market is not good here (slightly worse than other places) so even though I look for other opportunities, there really isn’t much available….which tends to just add to the ongoing frustration. 

Husband and I will be celebrating our 3rd wedding anniversary in 10 days. I can’t believe its only been 3 years. It feels like a lot longer…but in a good way!

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,
19 May 2014
3 Comments

No hot water

Asshat has not spoken to D since February 22nd. 

D’s counselor informed us last week that asshat had called him the week before. Asshat wanted to see how D has been doing. Counselor reported that D is doing well. D will occasionally talk about his father, but normally only when the counselor is the one to bring it up. He also reported to asshat that D currently has no motivation for reunification with his father. This seemed to anger asshat as while the counselor was telling us about it, his voice changed. It became that voice we all use when retelling words from someone we have no respect for. The counselor used his ‘asshat voice’ and said the response was: “I’ll have to send you an email about this! I’ll have to email you later!” The counselor said “Go for it.” However asshat did not ever send an email. The counselor asked me, “has dad made any attempts to contact? Phone calls? Emails? Text messages? Anything?” I shook my head and said, “Nope, nothing.” He raised his eyebrows and made a face. It made me wonder what asshat had told him.

A was with us last week and this weekend. He said that asshat still does not have any hot water. “If you want hot water, you need to boil it” he said. I asked A if that what he’d been doing. He said, “No, I don’t have time for that in the morning before school.” He said that he’s been showering at my house. Every day after school A gets off the bus at my house and takes a shower. I didn’t realize this was the ONLY shower he’s taking. I asked, “does dad have a plan to GET hot water?” A said that dad says he doesn’t need it. When he was in china a lot of places didn’t have hot water. A said, “I told him, well I’ve never been to China soooo…..” I said, “But when it gets to be winter, the pipes will freeze….” A said he was under the impression that dad would be selling the house before then. 

Lets hope he does and gets my name off that damn loan! He’s 30 days past due with the payment….again.

Husband and I are off on Thursday to Philadelphia for a few days. Husband turned 40 this year so I thought we’d take a nice little kid-free trip to celebrate. I’m really looking forward to getting out of here for a few days!

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , ,
28 Mar 2014
8 Comments

Consent To Treat. Or Not.

Any one who has to co-parent with a bitter and unstable person will know what’s coming when I start this post with the sentence: “I emailed Asshat regarding the orthodontists repeated attempts to get him to sign a consent to treat for D to get braces” That’s right, ladies and gentlemen….He no longer consents.

From Asshat over the last year regarding braces for D. 

March 13, 2013
Additionally, D will need braces and this will need to be verified as happening as soon as possible.  Let me know with whom this is to be done. If you have a preference for a Dental provider to keep your costs down I will be more than happy to discuss that with you.  He needs braces and you are responsible for payment of them.

May 20, 2013
I have looked at his teeth and they seem to be getting worse.  If it is easier for you to have me schedule the appointments and get the ball rolling I have no problem doing so.  If you have separate insurance to cover this I will be more than happy to once again work within your network.  Regardless, this needs to happen soon.  I gave you the green light to get him braces almost three years ago with whomever you found and you have not done so – I don’t care who does the work, but the child needs it done as soon as possible.   

October 4, 2013
I have also not heard back from you regarding a scheduled appointment for D to get his braces.  It has been a month.  Should I need to go through the Court to make this happen I will do so.  D should not have to wait any longer to recieve proper dental care, care that is long overdue.

Twice now the orthodontist has called me to let me know that they don’t have a signed ‘consent to treat’ for D for his appointment to get braces put on, which is scheduled for Aprll 1st. The first phone call with them I explained that now, due to an order from the court making him half responsible for this cost, he would likely not sign the form. She told me that she found that odd as she recalled him making the initial evaluation appt for D. She said he was VERY persistent in making the appointment as soon as possible and if I had cancelled it, he wanted them to call and tell him. I gave her his cell phone number and address. 

The second phone call was the office staff sounding a little desperate about not having this form signed. I explained again that he likely wouldn’t sign it, as he probably thinks that by not doing it, he won’t be financially responsible. She and I laughed. She told me that it wasn’t mandatory that both parents sign, its just what they prefer. I get it. But, I can’t help her. 

So, I emailed Asshat. “The orthodontist says you have still not signed and returned the consent to treat for D’s braces appt on Tuesday. Please stop by their office and do that as soon as possible.”

To which he replied “I do not consent to treat for any elective medical or dental treatment for D at this time.”

We’ll see how much that matters when the state starts collecting medical reimbursements from his paycheck. Asshole. 

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , ,
26 Mar 2014
10 Comments

No baseball

Now that we’re back to a life without so much Asshat, things have been busy! We had a lovely mini-vacation in Florida to visit husband’s family. It was so wonderful to be away from the cold and snow, if only for a few days. The boys had a great time. Neither had flown before, or been able to wake up to views of the sunrise over the ocean, so it was nice to be able to give them those experiences. 

We were smart enough to return home on a Friday in order to have a full weekend to get back into the swing of things before work and school resumed. 

A had decided that he would be participating on the school’s baseball team. He has played every single season since T-ball, so I was thrilled about this. A is very very good at baseball, but says he hates it. Each season since the last year of Farm League he normally has to be coaxed by a coach to join the team. So it was exciting that he was willingly going to be doing this on his own.

This week is Asshat’s week with A, but because my kids and their activities are important to me, I still pick A up after practice or volleyball or weight room even when its not my week. If I don’t, Asshat refuses to work around anyone’s schedule but his own. This way A gets to participate, and I get to see him most every day. 

When I picked A up at 5:15 on Monday he got in the car and was angry. “I’m not doing baseball” he said. I said, “Oh….Why not? Did it not go well?” He said, “No, its not that. Dad called me three times and since I didn’t answer my phone, he texted me and told me that I’d have to find my own way back to his house tonight. And if I couldn’t that he’d pick me up after school tomorrow. I don’t have any of my stuff for tomorrow” 

Silly me, with all my logic said, “Didn’t dad know you had baseball today?” 

“Yes. He did. But apparently he got out of work at 3:50 and since I left my phone in the locker room because I was at BASEBALL PRACTICE he just went home. I told him it started at 3, I don’t know why he would assume it would only go for 50 minutes. Whatever. I’m not going to do baseball. Its too much of a hassle if this is what’s going to happen every time.” 

He was upset. I felt bad. He just insisted that he’d do Sr. League in the summer instead, that would be less of a hassle some how. 

I offered to drive A out to dad’s to drop him off, but he said no. If I drove out there, he said, he’d just get his stuff and come back with me. He said all he was really missing was his history book, and he didn’t think he’d really need it. So, we just went back home. 

Asshat knew A was doing baseball. There was no previous mention about schedules or what Asshat would or would not be able to do. A gave him all the information he needed, and Asshat said, “Ok.” Then, when the time comes for Asshat to follow through and do something for someone else, suddenly, its a giant fucking problem.

How clearly I can see it now. This is a form of abuse. He’s being set up, just to be taught a lesson. It’s like A should have known ahead of time that this would be a problem for dad. Having to WAIT?! for his kid to get out of practice? I don’t think so! A is being sent a very clear message that what he wants is inconvenient. He will have to deal with his father being a manipulative prick because he is following his own ideas and goals. He’s being told that he should just give up. It’ll be easier to just give up than to fight for what you want. Its just baseball. You’d rather have your dad be civil and talk to you and not make you feel like you’re fucking up his day by needing a ride home. Just quit. 

I’ve done this a MILLION times myself with Asshat. It got to the point where whatever I wanted to do, it wasn’t worth the hassle of putting up with his bullshit afterwards. A trashed house, the silent treatment, suddenly no money in the budget for me to take the kids school shopping, whining endlessly about how awful it was for me to be gone…

Hopefully A’s reliance on his father for rides and food and shelter will be over soon enough, as college is quickly approaching for him. I’m sure for A though, its not soon enough. 

I emailed Asshat and told him that A was going to quit baseball because he wasn’t able to wait around after work to pick A up. (Normally Asshat gets out of work at 4:45, so the 20 minute drive to the high school would only mean about 10 minutes of actual waiting.) I asked Asshat to please try to work out some kind of resolution to this with A, as extracurriculars are important. I offered for A to stay over with me any time that he needed, and I would still be willing to pick him up from practices. 

Asshat’s reply? “Fee free to have a conversation with A about you picking him up from practice and driving him to my house every day.” 

Asshat lives 20 minutes away since moving to the old house. He really thinks this is the solution to the problem? Make me do all the work? Yeah. I guess that’s about right for his tiny little brain. Fucker. 

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , ,
13 Mar 2014
1 Comment

Done with D

We are going to Florida for a few days. Husband’s parents and siblings all live there now and have invited us down for a visit. 

I needed to tell asshat, as we are taking the boys out of state. I emailed: 

“We will be traveling to Melbourne, Florida with the boys from March 17th to March 21st. Please let me know if you’d like any further information.” 

The next morning, here was the response: 

“This is not during any school vacation which means that A will be missing a significant amount of time from school.  Matters concerning A’s education are to be decided by both of us and it seems like you are circumventing the court order here.  Given the amount of time he has already missed this year and your current plans, I’m sure you have checked with the school already to make sure he will not suffer academically.”

I don’t really need to get all into all of the steps I’ve taken to make sure that BOTH kids will be able to academically weather a week away from school work here. Also I expected some kind of bullshit response regarding how I’m trying to play the system…What I really want to know is what is with all this crap about A and no mention of D? 

I guess in some way I understand that he’s done with D. He didn’t get his way, so he’s given up. But it seems that every time this happens, its only a matter of time before he’s sticking his face back in where it doesn’t belong. Previously, however, he had an audience. He wanted to look good for the lawyer, for the girlfriend, for court…but with not lawyer and no looming court date, and I’m sure the girlfriend isn’t sad about not having to compete with another child for attention…maybe this is it? Maybe he’s really all done with D this time? 

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , ,
25 Feb 2014
3 Comments

A really shitty father

I’m procrastinating. 

I should be reading chapter 18 of my Financial and Managerial Accounting book. I should be taking notes in order to answer the discussion questions at the end of the chapter. 

Instead I’m messing around on Facebook and WordPress. I’m having some trouble concentrating. 

Husband is frustrated with the latest round of stupid people continuing to be stupid. Mainly our dear Asshat. I did actually send him an email last night asking for him to please gather A’s school stuff and drop it off on our porch as he passed our house on his way to the southern part of the state in order to take his bar exam. 

No response. And, no books. Husband was actually surprised by this. “He is a really shitty father” he said after checking the porch this morning for the books. Yes. Yes he is. 

I let A stay home today. I don’t know if that was the right move or not. Frankly, I’m not currently in the mood to pick apart my parenting choices right now. I’m tired. And a little cranky.

Husband would like to set some limits about A just ending up here because his father doesn’t have the gas money to drive in to pick him up…or whatever lame excuse he has on any given day. I get it. I really do. But. I’m not going tell A that he can’t spend the night at home. Not ever. 

Its all so frustrating. All over again.

 

 

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