Looking Forward

Making a better life for me and my kids

Archive for the tag “bully”

24 Jul 2013

I don’t see any benefit in responding

We were in Walmart. I asked D if he’d like to go visit his dad.

He said “Maybe.”

I said, “Do you want to call him? Or do you want him to call you?”

D quickly said, “I want him to call ME!” The last few times D has tried to call his dad, his dad has not answered. He has also not returned his calls. I said I’d email dad and let him know to call.

D said “I’m sure the moment he gets it, he’ll call me immediately!”  Poor kid.

So, I emailed X on Tuesday, as I also wanted to try to square away the back to school clothes shopping stress I’ve been having.

D said that he would like it if you called him. Please use the home phone number. 

Because you currently have A from Sunday afternoon until Thursday mornings, rather than me buying all his school clothes again this year, it would be better if you purchased his school clothes and things he’ll need while he is with you. I’ll do the same for his time with me. This way he won’t need to transport clothes and personal items between houses.

Also, since you’ve moved, I’d appreciate having your new address.

I heard nothing back and asked D on Tuesday evening if he’d heard from dad yet. He said, “No.”

Then this afternoon I got an email.

So am I to go through D now for scheduling?  This seems the opposite of what you have been advocating all along – that scheduling be done through you and not the children.  I have no problem doing this, but I am not going to set something up with him again only to have you once again tell me that you have made last minute plans for him.  Also, you told me you would get back to me about his availablity – that was over 2 weeks ago.  He wanted to visit and I wanted him to visit.  We have both been waiting on you.

(He put his address here)

Still no word from you on D’s appointment with (The Therapist).  At this late of a date I will assume that you will be taking him and that billing information will be passed along at that time.  I will call (The Therapist)  tomorrow for verification that he was present for the scheduled appointment.

And I responded….

If you’d rather contact me regarding scheduling for D, you can feel free to do so. In the past you’ve been adamant about wanting to make these plans with the kids without any input from me. Whatever way works better for you is fine with me, as long as beforehand I know the dates, times and locations of pick up and drop off. I need to know what you’re willing to do for transportation and what you’d like me to do for transportation. 

In regards to you wishing to have time with D and us already having made other plans, to combat this from happening in the future, I would suggest that you consider giving me at least a few hours notice that you’d like to see D. 24 hours would be better. This way I have time to let you know about any other plans already in place, there would be time to either change those plans, or for you to make an alternate arrangement. A set schedule that doesn’t include overnights at this time would be best in order to prevent things from being scheduled during your time with him, and to limit the amount of communication between us. If Wednesday’s don’t work for you, then it would be up to you to make an alternate suggestion.

His response seems like he’s forgotten how much he wants to see his son – so much – rather than just doing what he should do, giving me a date and time, and notice of more than an hour, he has to spend three paragraphs telling me I’m wrong.

You are incorrect.  I have never been adamant about scheduling anything with the kids exclusively – the plans we have for the time with me is for the most part none of your business.  Your perception of scheduling is yours alone and not one based in any fact whatsoever.  The fact that you read communications between the children and myself against our wishes and come to those conclusions on your own and prior to me sending you actual propsed plans is in my opinion the reason that you percieve this.  Again you are not at all correct in your statement that I have been adamant about excluding you from scheduling.

You are also not correct in implying that I did not give you adequate notice regarding my last attempted visit with D.  You had more than 24 hours notice and several options that could have worked had you taken the time to simply decide on a time for him to visit.  There is no combatting this from happening in the future if you would care to respond in a timely fashion to the numerous options given.  I have said it before and I will say it again, the children are free to stay with me any time they want – I will gladly take them.

I seriously have no idea what you are talking bout here with the scheduling proposal you just made.  I have no idea what logic you are using when you imply that an overnight might disturb things being scheduled during my time with him.  I want my son to spend as much time with me as possible and I want him for overnights – a set schedule that includes this will prevent you from scheduling anything during my time so feel free to tell me what days of the week you prefer.  This is my alternative suggestion – I want a regular time with my son at least 50% of the week until we go to court and have it finalized.  As far as pick up and drop off is concerned I have no problem with the same setup as we have with A.  However, I am not going to do any type of agreement with you about D unless it is in writing as you have not kept your word numerous times in the past.

 

I forwarded it to my lawyer and said “I will not be responding to this. If you feel differently, please let me know.”

To which she replied, ” I do not see any benefit to responding.”

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment
21 Apr 2013

Phone call

Oh what an interesting turn of events. 

As I previously blogged about, X took A for the length of vacation. A missed time with his grandparents. None of this was planned. I didn’t get any notice…as usual. I haven’t talked to X on the phone since July of last year..until tonight. 

Well, today A texted me.
A: Hi, I want to stay the night at the new place in holden, Dad will take me to school tomorrow. I’d have to come pick up my book tonight so we can discuss it l8r.
Me: “Without being able to discuss this with your dad, no, sorry.
A: Yeah he’ll shoot you an email. 
Me: We’ll need to talk about it.
A: Well you need to unblock his number from your phone lol.
Me: His number isn’t blocked on my phone, but he’ll need to email me.
A: He can’t email the laptops in waterville and it is blocked he just tried to text you.
Me: The are no blocks on my phone
A: Well he has no way of using email and the messages aren’t going through how else do you suppose he could reach you.
Me: He call call me from your phone, he can email me from his phone, or he can call the home phone. 
A: You can call the school tomorrow and know that I got there on time and I have to stop by and school book so I can stop by say Hi hugs n sh*t
Me: I need to talk to your dad about this, not you, sorry.
A: About what, he can’t email you right now and you’d know whether or not I want to school. There’s honestly nothing to talk about it just seems as though you’re purposefully making things difficult. And i’d take the bus home to your house.
A: He said he’ll call and leave a message so don’t answer your phone.
Me: Or he can text me…
A: His messages to you aren’t sending, he can text you from my phone but I don’t think you want that. 

Then A called me and said “Hi, yeah, here he is….” 
X  says “Yeah A wants to spend the night again tonight I’ll take him to school tomorrow.”
I said “That doesn’t work for me. You’ve not been able to give me notice about bringing A home or taking him, or anything, so if you’d like to keep him again tonight, we need to work out an alternate arrangement for a more consistent schedule.  
X said he had no idea what I was talking about, what schedule? Consistent? What do I mean? He was angry and hollering this at me. He did a lot of talking over me. Saying that he shouldn’t talk to me, he should be talking to my lawyer, etc. He did a lot of hollering.
I was trying to get him to agree to a Sunday to Wednesday schedule – with consistent pick up and drop off times and locations. I said “Is that something you’d like? To have A from Sunday to Wednesday?” He hollered “THATS A NO BRAINER! OF COURSE! AND I INTEND TO HAVE HIM MORE!” I said, “For now, in the interim, would you like to pick him up at the store on Sunday mornings?” More screaming at me. More talking over me. I didn’t really know what he was trying to say. I heard something about he wasn’t going to to keep to a schedule like this, he only wanted to do what A wanted to do.
“So, you’re going to let A make all the decisions then?” I asked.
He said “A is 16! He can decide who he wants to stay with!”
I said that “A is 15, and until you manage to file the paperwork with the court to change what is already in effect, A lives with me, and that isn’t something he gets to make a choice about. So, do you want him from Sunday to Wednesday?” 
He was super pissy, saying that my lawyer should have told me this, he doesn’t know why he’s even saying anything to me about it, but our interim order was only for when he was in school, so now it goes back to what it was before! The order is meaningless! Then more  hollering, accusing me of twisting things, and being sneaky.
I said “I just want to come to an agreement for the time being that is consistent. Your refusal to give me any kind of notice about drop off times or pick up times is unreasonable and I want an agreement that doesn’t require that.”
He screamed at me “I HATE HE SOUND OF YOUR FUCKING VOICE! I’M CALLING YOU BEING CIVIL, BEING NICE, AND ALL YOU’RE DOING IS GIVING ME A HARD TIME! I HATE THE SOUND OF YOUR FUCKING VOICE!” I said, “That’s not really appropriate, so do you want to pick A up at 9am at the store?”
He was pissed. “Yeah the store, I’ll come get him at the store because you REFUSE to transport!”
I said “Oh I’ll bring him to you, I have no problem with that, I just need to know where to bring him.”
He said “NO! Fine! The store is FINE! Noon…I’ll pick him up at noon on Sunday!” 
I said, “ok great, so, then he can get off the bus on Wednesday’s at home?” 
His response was “Whatever, fine.” 

Then, he asked about D. He wanted D on the same schedule too. I said, “No, that’s not going to work. I’d rather have you email times for D rather than discussing it on the phone with you.”
He said “So, you’re telling me right now that you are refusing to the schedule for D as well?!”
I said, “Yes, there are no overnights for him right now, that’s not going to work.”
He said, “Ok thanks.” And that was the end of the conversation. 

About 3 minutes later A came home, was chatty and collecting his books and clothes for tomorrow for school. He seemed very ok. I was relieved.
I’m so tired of X making my kids choose between him and me. There is no point. A doesn’t have a home with his dad and home with me. As far as X is concerned, he can only have one home. And he needs to choose. 

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment
18 Apr 2013
5 Comments

He is not Sherlock.

On Tuesday I finally heard from X. He’d be bringing A home on Friday. I responded that A and D both have plans with their grandparents this weekend, and A needs to be home Thursday evening.

Then there was push from A. He now doesn’t want to go visit grandparents. He wants to stay with Dad. I explained that Grammy made these plans a long time ago, shes anxious to see the kids and that he needs to follow through with the commitment that he made. After talking in circles with him on Facebook I ended the conversation by saying that if Dad wants to keep him beyond Thursday, he’ll need to talk to me about it.

So, of course I get an email from X that says “A wants to stay from now till Sunday.”
Of course he does. So, I reiterated that the boys have agreed (weeks ago)  to spend time with their grandparents during school vacation. I also said that had there been communication prior to him taking A on Saturday, I could have explained this to him. I said my parents would be here to get the boys at 9am Friday. 

Meanwhile, my mom is ok with it, she’s disappointed, but she’ll get to have D for a few days. When I told D that his brother may or may not be going to Grammy’s with him he said “Whatever. More Grammy for me.” 

So, that’s what’s going on with visitation. 

 

The next big exciting thing is that on Friday I was served with civil papers – X is suing me for 4302.00 dollars because I “Abandoned” the property I was renting from him. Its absurd. But, it makes me think three things.
1. He’s a super sucky almost lawyer. I can’t be sued for rent owed to him if he hasn’t tried to re-rent the property. He can’t sue me for rent for months that haven’t happened yet. He can’t charge me for removal of appliances that were left in the house before he left for SD. He can’t make me pay for mold removal when the mold is caused by a shitty roof.  Oh I could go on and on…but I think you all get the point.
2. He’s crazy. 
3. I think he’s trying to bully me into not asking for child support. Oooh please don’t sue me for 4302.00! I can’t possibly afford that! Whatever I have to do to make it stop…I won’t ask for child support! Yeah. Right. 

 

Yesterday I got an email from my lawyer saying that X had called her and wanted to file a motion to have the pre-trial moved to after May 10th because he claims he’ll be in SD for graduation ceremonies. (vomit) Then he said since mediation was so unproductive, he is unclear as to what the issues are, from Stacey’s perspective. 

Seriously? He is UNCLEAR? You’re a shitty father, a shitty ex husband and a shitty person. What could I possibly have for issues!? I suppose his lack of clarity is why mediation was so unproductive. Good to know.

Within the scope of family law there are really only a few things that could possibly be issues for the court to address. Like how A hates eggplant. I’d like the court to address this with X and make a formal decision on that for me. Oh wait. No. That’s not right. 

I’m a little horrified that law school didn’t help him with his ability to hunt down information. Alright, well, where might these issues be found? I suppose it would have helped him if at some point this had all been written down for him. And handed directly to him. By a deputy sheriff. Twice. 

Maybe he should have kept his paper work from the case management hearing.  We both received forms with all the issues on it and at the bottom it said no agreement was reached on these issues. Also, at our mediation, there was another form with all our issues on it, and written on the bottom was that no agreement had been reached. Also, the “paternity” box was checked, as he made THAT an issue. And once again at the status conference, yet another form with our issues on it, and written on the bottom was that no agreement had been reached and a trial would be scheduled.

I wonder where he could find out what the issues are….?

Personally, I think he’s fishing to see if the small claims suit has changed my mind on any of the issues that I’ve had for the last three years. It has not. He’s a moron to think it might. Actually, he’s just a moron. 

 

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , ,
09 Apr 2013
3 Comments

Impartiality

The boys got new health insurance as of April 1st. Due to the x demanding the boys go to counseling, and my agreement to provide him with their insurance information, I did what any normal person would do. I let him know.

From: Stacey
Sent: Monday, April 08, 2013 9:35 AM
To: Asshat
Subject: Fw: Id cards

Here is a copy of the kids ID cards for their new insurance coverage in the event you want to make counseling appointments for them.
Thanks,
Stacey

 

And he replied today with insanity. Conspiracy even.

 

From: Asshat
To: Stacey 
Sent: Tuesday, April 9, 2013 10:29 AM
Subject: RE: Id cards

Yeah once again I don’t have the proper authority to access these accounts.  And the counselor you used seems to be someone with very close ties to your current place of employment which means that there is a serious issue with impartiality.

 

I have no idea what this means. The counselor the boys saw has NOTHING to do with where I work. And even if he DID have something to do with my place of employment, I would assume after 30 years of working in this field he would have the ability to be impartial. 

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , ,
25 Mar 2013
5 Comments

2 Conversations

He wanted A. I said ok, just tell me where and when. For someone who cannot stand to converse with me, he sure seems to like to hear from me. 

From: Unable to make a plan
To: Stacey 
Sent: Friday, March 22, 2013 10:16 AM
Subject: RE: Mainecare

A wants to visit for the weekend.

______________

From: Stacey 
To: Unable to make a plan
Sent: Friday, March 22, 2013 10:36 AM
Subject: Re: Mainecare

Ok, I just need to know when and where you plan on picking him up and dropping him off.

Will you be allowing A to practice his driving?

_____________

 

From: Stacey 
Sent: Friday, March 22, 2013 12:09 PM
To: Unable to make a plan
Subject: Fw: Mainecare

I’m sending this to you again, because I need to hear back from you about when and where you plan on picking up and dropping A off this weekend.

Thanks,
Stacey

____________________

 

From: Unable to make a plan
To: Stacey
Sent: Friday, March 22, 2013 2:15 PM
Subject: RE: Mainecare

No idea at this point, probably (brothers house) this afternoon.

_________________

 

From: Stacey
Sent: Friday, March 22, 2013 1:37 PM
To: Unable to make a plan
Subject: Re: Mainecare

I need to know when and where you plan on picking A up and dropping him off.

Thanks,
Stacey

___________________

 

From: Unable to make a plan
To: Stacey
Sent: Friday, March 22, 2013 3:00 PM
Subject: RE: Mainecare

I can just throw out a fake time and place if you want.  I told you I don’t know and did not have time to plan for it given the short amount of time given.  It will most likely be (brother house) after 5 tonight and Sunday afternoon at gas station.  We will need to discuss my seeing the boys 50% of the time when I return to Brewer at some point.

_____________________

 

From: Stacey 
To: Unable to make a plan
Sent: Friday, March 22, 2013 3:24 PM
Subject: Re: Mainecare
 
Thank you. If the plans of 5:30pm tonight to Noon drop off at the Brewer Irving on Sunday change, please let me know via email.
 
Thanks,
Stacey
 
______________
From: Stacey 
To: Unable to make a plan
Sent: Sunday, March 24, 2013 4:46 PM
Subject: A

Please let me know when you’ll be bringing A home this evening.
 
thanks,
stacey
______________________
 
From: Stacey 
To: Unable to make a plna
Sent: Sunday, March 24, 2013 8:52 PM
Subject: A
 
I just received a message from A saying he’d be home “eventually”. It is almost 9pm and he has school tomorrow, as I am sure you are aware.
He needs to be home no later than 10pm tonight.
 
Stacey
__________________
 
A got home around 9:30 last night. I never heard from his father. We will be retaining a lawyer on Thursday. I am tired. I don’t know why this has to be so difficult. It doesn’t have to be, and I guess that’s what makes me so angry. Meanwhile, on Friday, while he was trying to not answer me, he was also pulling the same shit with A.
 

A

Would you be able to pick me up from school

 

2:03pm

Dad

still waiting on my jeep bud

 

2:03pm

A

What about (your brothers) car

 

2:04pm

Dad

call mary, I think it would be fine though

this sucks!!!

 

2:05pm

A

Suck it up! I’ll drive I have my permit

 

2:05pm

Dad

fuck that

lol

 

2:05pm

A

Well then don’t be a little girl and come pick me up

 

2:06pm

Dad

how many hours you got so far?

 

2:06pm

A

Idk a couple

 

2:06pm

Dad

hahaha

we will see

 

2:06pm

A

Like 16ish

But rly come get me from the school

And you can talk to Edwards

 

2:09pm

Dad

I really dont have my jeep back from the garage yet, they are gonna call when its ready

 

2:09pm

A

Take (your brothers) car

 

2:09pm

Dad

I am in Winslow dumbass

 

2:10pm

A

Wtf

 

2:10pm

Dad

where did you think I was?

 

2:10pm

A

(brothers house)

 

2:13pm

Dad

oh, nope.

 

2:16pm

A

Okay well what time would you be in brewer

 

2:16pm

Dad

later on this evening

 

2:17pm

A

Time frame

 

2:23pm

Dad

sometime in the next 24 hours

 

2:24pm

A

Okay genius

 

2:24pm

Dad

 

3:13pm

A

(brothers house) at 5?

 

3:14pm

Dad

wtf – she misses lots. I said sometime after 5ish and maybe (brothers house)

 

3:15pm

A

okay well, 530 at (brothers house) sound good

 

3:20pm

Dad

hopefully

 

3:20pm

A

ok]

 

4:28pm

Dad

going to pick up jeep right now, should be there by 6ish

 

4:28pm

A

Ok

 

Posted in abuse, co-parenting, crazy making, Divorce, growing up, kids, long distance parenting, parenting, worry and tagged , , , , , , , , ,
24 Mar 2013
10 Comments

Waiting

The last I heard from my ex was that he would be returning A home ‘afternoon sunday’. Its after 8 pm now. Ex isn’t returning my emails. Of course he’s not. Why would he? Hes not going to bow to my need for ‘control’. Seriously.
I guess all I can do now is wait.

* Update:
A messaged me to say his dad has him at the old house and they are “working on it.” He also said for me to leave the back door unlocked, and he would be home “eventually.”

I emailed (I don’t know why, it does no good, documentation I guess) his father reminding him its a school night and A is to be home no later than 10pm.

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , ,
11 Mar 2013
12 Comments

Who’s your daddy?

Mediation on Thursday was a colossal waste of time. Waste of my time. Waste of my husbands time. Waste of the mediators time. Waste of the magistrates time. 

I requested not be in the same room as X during mediation. This takes away his power. He likes to holler, he likes to talk over me, he likes to be a bully….consequently, he refused to agree to anything. 

I asked for a set schedule for the boys. His response was “I have to think about it.” 

I asked for medical and educational decision making to be allocated to me. His response was “No.”

I asked for child support. The mediator filled in the worksheet. If they impute his wages at minimum wage, 7.50 an hour, he will owe me 87.00 per week. His response was “I can’t afford that. I want a paternity test.” 

During our status conference the magistrate was beyond confused about this. He told X that he would have to file a motion, and it was unlikely that a judge would approve such a request, as it unlikely to be in the best interest of the children. He also told X that it he didn’t understand that why, now after mediation, is this coming up? His response was, “Actually the mediator suggested it.” The magistrates jaw literally dropped. “Excuse me?” X followed up with, “She cheated on me during the entire length of our marriage. If I am not the children’s biological father, they have a right to know who is.” The magistrate went on to say that regardless of the outcome of any paternity test, he was dad to the kids, nothing is going to change that. 

Since nothing was agreed upon, we are now going to go to trial. Over a set visitation schedule and child support. Seriously. What a waste of time and resources. 

We were both encouraged to come to a resolution prior to a trial. X keeps bringing up that the boys need to be in therapy. A won’t go. He doesn’t want to. I can’t make him. D knows when he needs extra help or someone to talk to. He’s doing ok right now. Anyway, during the status conference X continued to try to get a resolution to this issue. I suggested that X take them. For familiarity sake, the kids can go back to the counselor they had before. X complained that he didn’t have their insurance information. I said I would copy their insurance cards for him. He muttered something that sounded like agreement. I know he won’t take them, but at least it got him off my back about it.

I asked about in the meantime, what a temporary schedule could look like, as the current Sunday to Wednesday isn’t being utilized. He asked X, “What do you suggest, sir?” He responded, “When my older boy wants to see me, he lets me know. I can’t really give any notice about it.” I chimed in, “I’d like to know when and where you’re going to be dropping off and picking up.” The magistrate said to X, “Can you choose a neutral place for pick ups and drop offs to happen?” Apparently, this caught X off guard. “Uh, no, I can’t right now. I’d have to think about it I guess.” 

The magistrate said, “It is important for you to know that during your trial the judge will not only listen to what you say and what evidence you present, but he’ll also be noting your behavior. And sir, your inability to choose a place, well, all I can say is your behavior matters.” 

After an entire day of dealing with his bullshit, I was glad for it to be over. I’m angry that I’ll likely have to get a lawyer to go to trial with me. I’m angry that his is so selfish and delusional that he thinks a paternity test will get him out of paying me 87 dollars a week. I was even more angry when I got this email from him on Thursday night:

From: X
To: Me
Sent: Thursday, March 7, 2013 8:39 PM
Subject: Visitation/suggestions

I suggest alternating weekends – for D you can drop off in Winslow at the local and nearby Irving station (I will be across the street waiting and within view until you have left) and I will drop off at the Irving near you.  Saturday you drop off at 12:00 through Sunday at 5:00 when I drop off.  A can come the following weekend on Friday night until Sunday.  This is until such time that I am able to move to Brewer.

I further suggest in the best interests of the children and while there is still time, that you dismiss the modifications and I will not bring any subsequent action.  Starting somewhat fresh.  It is your call, but I would like to reiterate that going forward with this will not be in their best interests nor ours.  Court is very costly and time consuming and will only end up having negative effects on them.

I didn’t respond. I didn’t want to. I’d been waiting since October for a resolution, I wasted a whole day waiting for a resolution. The next morning he emailed me again. It said “So nothing?” Apparently I wasn’t complying with his crazy quickly enough. I replied that I needed to think about it. I didn’t think about it. I wanted to be done thinking about this shit for a while. Some time on Saturday I responded:

From: Me
Sent: Saturday, March 09, 2013 7:26 PM
To: X
Subject: Re: Visitation/suggestions

X
I agree to alternating weekends. You can pick A up at the high school after class, every other Friday. You can drop him back off at the high school or the Irving Gas Station on North Main in Brewer by 5pm on Sunday.  We are willing to meet you in Newport (half way) at the Dunkin Donuts at 5pm on Sunday, if that’s more convenient.
I have talked to D, and he continues to be uncomfortable with the idea of being away from home overnight with you.  However, he is open to the idea of spending time with you during the day. Perhaps, you could come to Bangor/Brewer for the day every other weekend, and spend 3-5 hours with him in the area to start. The pick up/drop off for D can occur at the neutral location of your choosing in the Bangor/Brewer area.
As far as picking up and dropping off, we are not willing to leave A or D anywhere.  You are required to be present at the pick up/drop off.  This agreement is all contingent on you personally communicating directly with me, regarding any and all scheduling changes or modification as soon as possible.  And I will do the same.
Thanks,
Stacey

This afternoon he replied “I’ll take this under advisement.” Whatever asshole, do whatever you want. I really don’t care. You think this is a game? You like thinking you’re in control? You like thinking that you somehow have the upper hand here? You don’t. You don’t have anything. You ARE going to have a set schedule, you ARE going to pay me child support. I’ll likely have a lawyer for this trial, you might even wind up with SUPERVISED visits after the court finds out the stupid shit you talk to A about. You’ll also likely have your wages imputed far above minimum wage now that you have, not only a bachelors degree, but your JD as well. The internet has lots of information about how much your earning potential really is. 

The average attorney in Maine earns an annual salary of $76,950 as of May 2009, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics’ Occupational Outlook Handbook. Half of all attorneys who practice in Maine earn salaries between $56,870 and $106,110, although the most poorly compensated 10 percent of lawyers in the state earn $45,580 or less annually. 

 

 

Posted in abuse, child support, co-parenting, court forms, crazy making, Divorce, kids, parenting, reality, worry and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,
06 Mar 2013
10 Comments

How did I become the devil?

How did I become the devil in his eyes?  For 13 years I worked so hard to be a good wife. I tried so hard to be someone he would love. I wanted to be a person he would want to be with, to parent with. I did everything he told me to do. I did everything for him. I gave of myself in ways that no person should have to give. I thought I was doing the right things. 

Being married, he thought meant, I promised to be his wife no matter what. No matter what level of abuse or neglect. No matter how worthless or ashamed he’d make me feel. I had an obligation to remain his wife. Because I didn’t see it that way, because I thought not being married to him anymore might lead to more happiness for me, this makes me untrustworthy. He tells me he can’t trust me. That I don’t keep my word. That I break agreements.

At first, I agreed to not ask for child support while he was in school. This was based on the conversation we’d had about him keeping my rent at 865 (though the lease stated 890) and with him getting a job as soon as he could to help pay for kids expenses. He raised my rent to 1200, then down to 890. He never paid a dime of support. When he took A and refused to return him and I wanted things modified, only to make things clearer, I decided to also asked for support because, well, he should be helping, just like he said he would…but this turned into me not keeping our agreement. 

Things at the house needed repair. He’d deny that anything was wrong. He announced tasks that I was to complete (power wash the siding) that made no sense. He laughed when A talked about being angry and punching holes in the walls “try not to do too much damage bud!” he said. After serving 32 months of a 36 month lease, I quit. I left. I moved out. I can’t keep my word. 

While we were married, any time I’d vocalize my frustration about the kids, it was met with remedies from him as to how I could be a better parent. Any time I’d vocalize my frustrations with him, it was met with remedies about how more sex would lead to a better marriage. I was also told that my expectations were far too high. No marriage was perfect, and clearly that’s what I wanted. Perfection. 

I used to dread coming home. I used to dread the time after dinner. He wanted attention. All of it, all of the time. He thought giving me a hug after a hard day meant sex later. He thought putting dishes in the dish washer, or screaming at and spanking the kids into pajama submission meant he was doing his part. He thought spending money on painting one kid’s room 2 weeks before Christmas when we still had no way to pay for the rest of the presents was a fine idea. He, more than a few times, forgot the kids at daycare, then refused to go get them. The daycare he drove by to get home every night. He thought telling me that we were all moving to South Dakota so he could go to law school was enough. He didn’t think it deserved a conversation. Any question, concern or hesitation I had was me being unsupportive. 

He never knew me. I know that. He never loved me. I know that too. But I don’t understand how you make the leap from being happy in a marriage (which he swears he was) to wanting someone dead. After I moved out last week, he posted on his Facebook about how terrible being a landlord is. Then he posted this: Someone is alive today because I don’t want to go to prison. 

I can’t believe how insane and twisted his thinking has become. Was it always that way? Did he hide it better then? Did I just not see it before? He’s scary. He’s unstable and unpredictable. He is the type to rage uncontrollably and do something dangerous…More than once during this moving process, from the time I told him we were moving to the time we were actually moved, I worried that he’d come and burn the house down with us all in it. I don’t think my fear is unfounded. I don’t understand how he could have fallen so far down the crazy hole. Was he always just standing on the edge of it? 

It just reminds me that no matter how good things might have seemed, all those fleeting moments I’d hold onto, thinking “I guess its not so bad” were just him trying to make me stay. Trying to make me unsure about how crappy it all really was. But now, standing in this empty, sad, tiny kitchen…its crappy. It was always crappy. This house was for him to say he had a house. It wasn’t a place to raise happy, healthy kids. It wasn’t a place for holiday celebrations or extended family dinners. It was just a thing. A possession. Just like me. Just like the boys. 

Posted in abuse, crazy making, Divorce, parenting and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
22 Feb 2013
3 Comments

Trying to coparent with a dummy

Things have been CRAZY! Where to start….lets see. X is the landlord, and he is also the children’s father. When we found out we were moving, I needed to give him notice regarding moving the kids, and also as tenants leaving a lease early. Neither of which I was looking forward to. Here is what happened when I gave him notice about moving the kids. I’ll do another blog post about the landlord / tenant end of this whole situation. 

My divorce states that I need to give X 30 days notice, if possible, if I intend to move the kids. So, I gave him notice.

From: Me
Sent: Friday, February 15, 2013 8:37 PM
To: Dummy
Subject: FYI

X,
I wanted to let you know that we will be moving to New School District in March. As far as the divorce states I am to give you 30 days notice of my intent to move the kids.  You will receive a formal letter in the mail regarding our intent to vacate the house at _____________.
Thanks,
Stacey

I knew it wasn’t going to be that simple, and I was right. 

 
From: Dummy
To: Me
Sent: Sunday, February 17, 2013 2:51 PM
Subject: RE: FYI

For the record, you did not notify me nor attempt to discuss with me the relocation of the children to a new town nor did you notify me nor attempt to discuss with me the withdrawal of D from School A and his subsequent placement in the School B system.  A direct violation of the divorce decree as we have shared custody.  Expect an additional motion for contempt to be filled after your move.

 

Ok seriously? A. we do not have shared custody. We have shared decision making about certain things. Education being one of them. And B. I’ve researched what it takes to file contempt charges…you’re an idiot to think you can scare me with this shit. C. Look at the email I originally sent you, there you will find the NOTICE and the ATTEMPT TO DISUCSS with you D being moved from school A to school B. 

 

From: Me
Sent: Sunday, February 17, 2013 2:32 PM
To: Dummy
Subject: Re: FYI

X,
If you have concerns about D switching schools, feel free to discuss them with me.  Our email below is the 30-day “notification” about the relocation, as our divorce decree states I need to do.
Thanks,
Stacey

 

Seems clear, right? Apparently not. 

 

From: Dummy
To: Me
Sent: Sunday, February 17, 2013 7:16 PM
Subject: RE: FYI

I have concerns, but a discussion with you after the fact that you have already made your decision and informed the children makes what I think moot.  Court may be the best place to discuss actions that have already transpired.  And once again I still do not have the specific date you intend to vacate the house in breach of the lease.

 

Ok so, you want to holler at me for my refusal to parent, but as you can see, I’m parenting, and he’s refusing…anyone else confused yet? 

 

From: Me
Sent: Sunday, February 17, 2013 6:47 PM
To: Dummy
Subject: Re: FYI

X,
I just want to clarify, you have concerns and you choose not to discuss them with me? Now is the time to have an open and civil discussion as far as the concerns you may have.  As far as what’s best for the children and their schooling, it’s a work in progress, and no action has been taken as of yet. As always, this will be a decision based on what is in the best interest of the children.
Thanks,
Stacey

 

Are you ready for it…..? Here comes the crazy!! 

 

From: Dummy
To: Me
Sent: Sunday, February 17, 2013 9:33 PM
Subject: RE: FYI

So that I am clear and that you understand – I am not interested in playing your games and allowing you to put me in the position of bad guy after you have already informed the children of your decision.  What purpose would a discussion at this point have but to affect my relationship with them in a detrimental fashion by casting me as the bad guy by questioning what they have been led to believe is going to be in their best interests.  I don’t for a minute believe that you would not have attempted to spin this in a manner that would preclude any disagreement from them so as to obtain a path of least resistance.  And now what, I am going to give you my concerns and allow you to use that as a wedge to say “Oh look, your Dad doesn’t think this is such a good idea.”  A discussion with me would have been appropriate prior to you doing that, but as is evident – they already know this.  And also for the record – School is not a work in progress, ever.  It is sound decisions made in the BEST INTERESTS OF THE CHILDREN, and not your own – ALWAYS.  I really have to question whether you considered them in any of this, rather as always I am sure it is more of a convenience issue than anything else – hence the medication over actual therapy.  See that is the real problem here isn’t it.  Your decisions are cloaked in “best interests of the children” because it is a nice little phrase to make you feel better about your choices, when in reality you have given very little thought to the possible repercussions to them.  I take comfort in the fact that at least when they were with me my decisions were always based on them, regardless of whether or not you were able to comprehend/contemplate it or not.  But yeah for the record I will take your bait because at least one of us needs to do what’s right by them.

1.  Switching school in the middle of the year is not in the best interests of D, it may be in yours but not his and there is a clear history of statistics to show this.  2.  Given his current academic performance the whole “new place and a chance to start all over fresh” is not what he needs, rather he could use a bit more parental attention at home in regards to homework and a whole lot less computer time.  This is doing nothing more than teaching him to run away from his problems and quit when the going gets tough.  3.  Manipulation of the situation on your part in terms of bolstering the positives of the switch without really addressing the likely consequences does not mean he is in any way competent to give consent; not allowing me the opportunity to discuss with him the switch before a decision was made simply puts anything I might add in response to a switch in a most likely negative light which is not conducive to fostering and promoting positive problem solving skills in him affording him an opportunity to value my input.  4.  It is apparent that you have not really investigated the School B educational situation, nor taken the time to truly reflect on the different standards in place nor the climate that you are thrusting upon him – as a parent that should have been your primary concern rather than just finding a home to move to at his age. 5.  Moving to School B District relinquishes his opportunity for any alternative choice of high school – which based on conversations with him he does not seem to be clear on nor sold on.  6.  Floating him into a new school setting so late in the year where they will not be able to fully evaluate him based on their standards has the potential for simply passing him to the next level regardless of his overall performance capabilities which if they are sub par, lets say like they were a couple years ago, continues to set him up for future failure on a much larger scale.  7.  Socially and educationally speaking I find it quite unnerving that you feel he will adjust so quickly to School B, a much larger system with considerably less room for personalized attention than he has received at School A especially given his track record with similar things.  8.  You really think that a child that has regressed to be overtly introverted to the extent he has over the last few years is going to prosper in School B?  Are you for real?  

Anyone of these factors alone, and there are more if you took the time to actually think about it, should be enough to seriously rethink your actions… if it was about the children.  There is a reason that your friend Crystal busted her ass to avoid this scenario so feel free to get input from her.  Heck feel free to ask that girl down south who is a teacher.  I suspect you avoided those conversations because they would have provided you with the same common sense rational input as well.  But alas, it doesn’t matter what I say because you plan on doing what ever is in YOUR best interests and not theirs.  You know, and this really goes to the heart of the matter, if you only made your decisions with them first and foremost in mind I wouldn’t have a problem with anything you do regarding them.  But you haven’t, and you continue to drop the ball in so many major ways.  It is disgusting and utterly sad all at once.  I guess the biggest difference I see in you compared to most of the other mothers out there, and frankly in retrospect this has always been the case with you, is that you just have no desire to put them above yourself.  It is always about what you want and what you need.  It is with profound disappointment that I look at how they are being raised and what you have done to them.  I seriously don’t know whether to continue to be super pissed off at your choices or just cry for them at what you have done and continue to do.

Feel free to have that open moment of disgust so that your new husband can see it, but when you are in that quiet moment all on your own and don’t have to fake it, you know what I say is the truth.  That is if you even bother to.

 

I felt like I was sprayed with projection slime after reading this. I’m not a bad person, a bad mom…I’m not even a bad ex wife!
I slept on it and responded the next day. I took out all the other BS, I took just his base concern and addressed it. 

 

From: Me
To: Dummy
Sent: Monday, February 18, 2013 9:15 AM
Subject: Re: FYI

X,
Thank you for sharing your concerns regarding D changing schools. 
 
1.  Switching school in the middle of the year is not in the best interests of D, it may be in yours but not his and there is a clear history of statistics to show this.  
 
Once vacation is over we will be contacting both the School B, and the School A teachers to speak with them regarding this type of transition with three months left in the school year. As educators, I’m sure that this is not an atypical situation and they will be able to make recommendations based on what will be best for D. 
 
2.  Given his current academic performance the whole “new place and a chance to start all over fresh” is not what he needs, rather he could use a bit more parental attention at home in regards to homework and a whole lot less computer time.  This is doing nothing more than teaching him to run away from his problems and quit when the going gets tough.  
 
D spends one hour per evening on his computer during the school week. I am in daily contact with all of his teachers regarding homework assignments. Completing school work and homework will still be a requirement for D. That is not something he will be able to escape. 
 
3.  Manipulation of the situation on your part in terms of bolstering the positives of the switch without really addressing the likely consequences does not mean he is in any way competent to give consent; not allowing me the opportunity to discuss with him the switch before a decision was made simply puts anything I might add in response to a switch in a most likely negative light which is not conducive to fostering and promoting positive problem solving skills in him affording him an opportunity to value my input.  
 
If at anytime you would like to speak with D, you are allowed to do so. 
 
4.  It is apparent that you have not really investigated the School B educational situation, nor taken the time to truly reflect on the different standards in place nor the climate that you are thrusting upon him – as a parent that should have been your primary concern rather than just finding a home to move to at his age. 
 
Once vacation is over we will be contacting both the School B, and the School A teachers to speak with them regarding this type of transition with three months left in the school year. As educators, I’m sure that this is not an atypical situation and they will be able to make recommendations based on what will be best for D. 
 
5.  Moving to School B district relinquishes his opportunity for any alternative choice of high school – which based on conversations with him he does not seem to be clear on nor sold on.  
 
D understands that this will end his opportunity to be able to have a choice of high school, but the reality is with his grades and educational performance at School A, its unlikely that anything other than School System B would be an option for him. This has already been discussed with School A. 
 
6.  Floating him into a new school setting so late in the year where they will not be able to fully evaluate him based on their standards has the potential for simply passing him to the next level regardless of his overall performance capabilities which if they are sub par, lets say like they were a couple years ago, continues to set him up for future failure on a much larger scale.
 
As far as your concern regarding School B simply passing him because they are unable to evaluate him, you should know that I was told by Mr. M that School A will pass D, regardless of his grades. Once students reach middle school, they will not keep kids back. 
  
7.  Socially and educationally speaking I find it quite unnerving that you feel he will adjust so quickly to School B, a much larger system with considerably less room for personalized attention than he has received at School A especially given his track record with similar things.  
 
I believe that a persons attitude toward a transition is a big factor in a successful adjustment. D has a very positive attitude towards this transition. 
 
8.  You really think that a child that has regressed to be overtly introverted to the extent he has over the last few years is going to prosper in School B?  
 
I’m unclear as to how you’ve made the determination that D is overtly introverted. That is not our experience with him.
 
Thanks,
Stacey
 
He never responded to this. Of course. 
This whole exchange this weekend was exhausting. But, I’ve done my part. He, in a hateful, manipulative and awful way, voiced his concerns and I was able to be a level headed, clear and responsible parent and address them. 
Can I be done now? Can he just leave? Can he just maybe fall off the face of the earth and leave me alone now? Please? 
 
Posted in abuse, child support, co-parenting, crazy making, Divorce, kids, parenting, reality, worry and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
07 Feb 2013
7 Comments

3 hours

In about 3 hours from now I’ll be in court. With my X. I haven’t seen him since Dec. 2011 when he drove by me in an attempt to not have to be in the same parking lot as me in order to pick up our kids. Every exchange since then has been email, one phone call where he called me names, and text messages from the kids with “dad says….” 

I am really nervous. I know there is no real reason to be. But I am.

I think his seething hatred towards me is why the idea of seeing him makes me so uncomfortable. Its like he can’t control it. Or, worse yet, he can…and just chooses to be that way when he thinks no one will find out. 

I can use all the positive and calm thoughts you all can spare this afternoon. I’ll update how it goes as soon as I can! 

 

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , ,

Post Navigation

← Older Entries
Design a site like this with WordPress.com
Get started