We found out we’d only have one day, not two. X was baffled by this. The judge explained about the other case that was deemed to be more important and would be taking place on our second day – it involved an infant and a parent who was scheduled to be deported in two days. It was clear to me – but X kept saying “I was planning on two days. I thought we’d have two days. I was really counting on having two whole days.” My lawyer asked me about the girl in the back of the courtroom. I told her that was girlfriend. She asked why she was there. I said I had no idea. My lawyer made sure that she and X knew that if she stayed she could not be a witness. She said she understood.
My lawyer spoke to the judge about our witness list. She said that we had not asked for any doctors or professionals to be there. She was confident that given the small number of witnesses, she could make the one day work. X wanted to know why the doctor that had giving D the ADHD diagnosis wasn’t going to be there. He said he needed to discuss with her the language in her report. He did not agree with it. He also didn’t agree with her diagnosis and he planned on questioning her about it. My lawyer reiterated that we were not calling any doctors.
I was the first witness. My throat was raw and I was beyond congested. I had trouble thinking. I hadn’t been able to lay awake the previous night imagining questions and answers and remember bullshit scenarios that have plagued me for the last 2 years. I was in a fog. Girlfriend kept catching my eye and glaring at me. Other times she was lost in her phone. She didn’t seem much for paying attention. I did my best, then it was Mr. Asshat’s turn to ask me questions.
“I don’t know how to read these questions,” he started to say to the judge, “Do I say, Mr. Asshat? That sounds weird.” The judge sighed. “You could just say “I or myself…” X decided to spend the next hour asking me questions referring to himself as Mr. Asshat. “Are you aware that A and Mr. Asshat have a strong relationship?” “Are you aware that Mr. Asshat has been a teacher for more than 13 years?” “You were married to Mr. Asshat for 13 years?”
X asked questions leading to the idea I’ve tried to ‘buy the children’s love’. During his questioning and my lawyer’s rapid fire “objections” she asked him “are you suggesting that my client is trying to buy the children’s love?” He flat out said “Yes.” My lawyers mouth dropped open, she said “Wow.” The judge shook his head. The questions continued…
“You’re aware that A is good at football?” Yes.
“You’re aware that A gets good grades?” Yes.
“You’re aware that Mr. Asshat has been to counseling?” OBJECTION
“You’re aware that Mr. Asshat cannot block you on Facebook because you have exclusive administrative rights of A’s facebook page?” Yes.
“Have you ever suffered from paranoia?” OBJECTION
The judge chimed in “Where is this going? You have a very limited amount of time. I don’t know how these questions are supposed to help me determine visitation. You need to choose questions that have value.”
Then he started in with the financial questions…asking me things that were already on copy of my paystub that my lawyer just handed him.
“You make xxxxxx a year?” I answered, “If that’s what it says, then yes.”
“You have about xxxxx in loans?” I answered, “That sounds about right”
“How much of a monthly payment is that?” OBJECTION
He attempted to suggest that he would qualify for a ‘deviation’ in child support. After 3 questions the judge asked him if that was where he was going and X said it was.
Judge said “You can’t do that. I don’t see any earlier notice of filings of you requesting that.” X said he didn’t know he had to file anything previously…”Is that something that I can file today?”
The judge said, “No.”
X begged, pleaded, “Well I need this. I have to have it. I qualify for it. I didn’t know….well I can do it when I come back then, to modify it, right?” The judge reminded him that the only way anything can get changed once it’s an order is if there has been ‘significant change in circumstances’. X was crushed. Totally crushed. He asked me one or two more questions then gave up.
Then it was Mr. Asshat’s turn for questions. He took the stand, but was only there a short time before we broke for lunch. Girlfriend and he went to his car parked outside the court house. We could see them in the car from the third floor window. His hands were waving and they were passing a cigarette back and forth.
After lunch, when I arrived back at the court house, they walked past me from the elevators towards the door. Girlfriend didn’t come back for the rest of Mr. Asshat’s testimony.
Husband had been noticibly absent during the proceedings. He was on the list to be called as a possible witness. This meant he couldn’t be in the courtroom at all during anyone else’s testimony. After lunch he went to go get the boys. We’d decided they’d speak to the judge at 2pm.
X’s testimony was full of shit. Oh. My. Ever-loving. Fuck. We did learn, however, that he’d taken out a “bar study loan” in January. This loan money only lasted him until June when he said that he’d realized he’d need to get a job. The loan was for FORTY THOUSAND DOLLARS. The judge said, “How much?” My lawyer answered “Forty.” The judge looked up, “For six months?” X’s response “It goes quick.”
He also declared that he can’t pay support. He’ll be “financially ruined”.
My lawyer asked him, “Do you feel any obligation to be responsible for support at least from June when you started working full time?” His answer, “absolutely not.” He paused and finished by saying “I wasn’t ordered to. Nor, was I asked.” He was asked about clothes for the boys. He said he had clothes for A, that he’d “dropped 600 on him for school clothes.” My lawyer asked about D. “Yes I have clothes for him. I bought him some when he started to talk about wanting to be with me 50% of the time. That’s when I bought him a bed too. I’ll buy him more clothes the next time he’s with me. I told him that the last time, but then he never came back.”
He also stated that he refuses to pay any portion of braces for D because I knew ‘a long time ago’ that he was going to need braces, and I just waited until NOW to take care of it to “get back at him”.
Like with the deviation, turns out that ‘lawyer fees’ never made it to the pretrial list of issues – therefore couldn’t be up for discussion. I was slightly irritated, but she reminded me, like she did a few other times, without him having any money, they likely won’t ask him to pay any part of it, simply because he can’t. He has no way to.
I felt better about this after I ran the child support worksheets based on what we found out his actual salary was.
At 2:02pm my lawyer interrupted Mr. Asshat’s lengthy personal statement saying that the kids would be here by now, and should we break to get them in? The judge asked X, “How much longer will you need, sir?” X answered, “20 more minutes.” He was just talking and going on and saying that he can’t pay for anything, his budget won’t allow it. He said a number of times that D wants to be with him 50% of the time. Eventually, we took a break and left the court room. The boys were sitting out on the bench with Husband. A went first. He was in there less than 10 minutes. When he came out he said to D, “Your turn.” D handed Husband back his phone and walked in.
D was speaking to the judge for nearly an hour. My lawyer was nervous. I could tell from D’s attitude he’d be just fine. My lawyer had spoken to D’s counselor and he’d assured her that D would be just fine in there on his own. Turns out, he was.
After the boys were done, we went back in to hear a summary of what the boys had said.
The judge gave us the “you have bright young men, very smart and mature and developmentally on target for their age.” He told us that A was fine with whatever 50/50 schedule we came up with, he’d make anything work. He had no preference. The judge said he was leaning towards giving us the week on week off so as to lessen the impact of transitions.
He then told us about D. He started smiling and said, “well first, he started giving me Theodore Roosevelt quotes. I asked him if he knew that parents make mistakes, and I asked him if he’d ever made a mistake. He said ‘the only person who doesn’t make a mistake is the person who doesn’t try’.” The judge was full on laughing at this, as was my lawyer and myself. He talked some more about the questions and the answers from D.
Then the judge said, “D was very, VERY clear about why he’s not seeing Dr. O anymore. He did not connect with that gentleman on any level. And as you all know, counseling is about finding the right fit, and he is much more comfortable with the new person he’s seeing.”
He also said that D was very clear about not wanting to see dad 50% of the time. The judge suggested that dad and D sit down with D’s counselor to work some of this stuff out, and ‘he wasn’t having any of that.’ D had his own suggestion that perhaps dad can see a counselor and that counselor can talk to D’s counselor, as a way to start. The judge that is something that happens sometimes, but didn’t know if that was the best course of action here, however. He also told Mr. Asshat that D was feeling abandoned. This was not about the divorce. This was about X leaving for SD, no doubt about it.
We don’t have an order yet. It’ll take up to 30 days for that to happen. We will get child support. We will likely get the schedule for A we wanted. We will also likely keep primary residence for D, and I would be very surprised if he was ordered to go more than every other weekend. I don’t know about medical decision making, however. I couldn’t even guess. All in all – I think it worked out for us just as it should have.
When it was all over, we left. X was carrying six 4-inch binders out of the court room. The boys and Husband and I walked past him towards the elevator. I stopped just past him and I said to A, “Do you want to help dad carry some of those down to his car for him?” A said, “Nope” and kept walking to the elevator. We went home. The boys had pizza for supper and I went back to bed.
Looking Forward 