Looking Forward

Making a better life for me and my kids

Archive for the category “worry”

01 Apr 2015
8 Comments

Struggling

Our trip to Florida was nice. the weather was fantastic, which is just what I needed. The kids were the same as usual, and i would have been just has happy to have left them at home, honestly. husband had this idea that putting the effort and money into bringing them along would somehow elicit a bit of gratefulness from two teenage boys. I’m not sure what he was thinking.

Husbands mom has Alzheimer’s disease. The brother and sister live 15 minutes away from the parents, yet see them about once every six months. Husbands mom seemed alright for the family dinner on Sunday, but not as good when we stopped by on Monday. No one talks about it. Its just sad.

Upon our return home everyone was cranky. We came back to snow and cold. A ran to his gf’s house, D ran to the computer. Husband and I tried to readjust to normal.

Back to work, same old shit, different day. I really hate that place. It’s making everything in my life suck a whole lot more than it should. A stays over at the gf’s house for days and days. He stops by to pick up clothes or shoes or xbox games. We dont see him much. The gf is younger and her parents are newly divorced. Her mom is terrified of making her daughter mad, so ‘Sure! Your boyfriend can sleep over!’

The gf’s mom called me to say that she thought the kids were spending too much time together. I told her that she should send A home. She said the kids told her that I had kicked A out and he had no place to live. I told her that was bullshit. “It’s your house and your daughter. If you don’t want him there, send him home.”  I found myself losing patience very quickly with her, droning on about how the kids are both from divorced homes, how its soooo hard for the kids, and she told me that her husband now has a 24 year old girlfriend. She kept saying “please don’t tell the kids I called. Please don’t mention that we spoke. Please don’t tell them  I called.” She probably said that 20 times. She didn’t want her daughter to be angry with her. Sigh.

A no longer wants to go to college. He has gotten a second job. He has no idea what he’s doing. It kills me. GF’s mom was upset to hear this news about A, and said she’d ‘have a talk with him about it, because college is important!’ Yeah. You do that.

D is diving still. The season is over, but we’re paying for him to go to the Y 3 times a week to keep practicing. It’s good for him to keep busy. Meanwhile, he’s lazy about school and grades. We’re not sure if we need to adjust his ADHD meds or if he’s just really being lazy. It’s hard to really want to do too much with meds with the school year coming to a close.

Bill collectors looking for Dummy call me 2 or 3 times a week now. He’s changed his number, no one can get in touch with him. He’s still attempting to sell the house. He’s dropped the price 35k in the last 6 months. I wish it’d sell so I can get out from under the HELOC  and get my money owed for arrears. I’m not holding my breath though.

I feel like I’m struggling a lot more than I should be lately. I’m not sure what that’s about. We were hopeful that A would go to college, move out, be on his own. the idea of him just hanging on in his crappy little town with no real direction is worry-some…almost equally worry-some is that he’ll want to keep living at home.  D is being lazy, or maybe he’s not. I don’t know. Husband and D are at each other all the damn time lately. School work is taking all of my time and I’m sick of it. I’m so far from finished, I feel like the accounting profession will be replaced entirely with robots by the time I’m done and there won’t be any jobs for me.

My birthday is next week. Maybe this is my midlife crisis or something. I just feel….blah. I know the weather doesn’t help, and we are talking about moving just as soon as D is done with high school. But that’s still 3 years away!

I’d just like to not feel like I’m struggling all the time. How do I accomplish that?

Posted in adhd, Divorce, growing up, kids, parenting, worry and tagged , , ,
06 Jan 2014
15 Comments

a leopard can’t change its spots

The day after court D came to me and said, “So, am I supposed to see dad this weekend or what?” I told him that he could if he wanted to – but the judge hadn’t made anything official yet. He decided that he was going to call dad and set up a visit. He did not want to spend the night, he just wanted to go for the day. So, he called dad. Dad had some “running around to do” in the morning, and would call D when he was able to come pick him up. Then it happened. I got this email:

Hello, 
D called asking to visit tomorrow. Since we have agreed that scheduling should go through us I wanted to contact you regarding his request. If you are agreeable to him visiting please email me and let me know. I can pick him up after I get out of work tomorrow. It will be before 12. 
This is the email I will be using for communication from this point forward. 
Asshat

The email address he used was ‘neverbeenhappier75@xxxxx.com’. Barf.

I replied to his email saying, yes, of course D can visit. I’ll pick him up at 5pm, and since is -30 degrees out, please pick D up at the house.
The next morning, around 11:30 D said he’d figured dad had forgotten about him visiting. I said I was sure he’d not forgotten, but was probably at work (teachers don’t work on Saturday’s, especially not him, but whatever…)
At 11:40 dad called and said he was on his way, and he and D would be going shopping. D flitted around the house for the next 10 minutes, getting his shoes and coat on. We were expecting one more phone call saying for D to walk to the store, dad was waiting, but rather, he pulled up in front of the house. Husband and I were stunned.

At 5pm I called D to let him know Husband was on his way to pick him up since I was still sick. When they arrived home D came into the kitchen, leaned against the counter and said “Well THAT was a waste of 3 and half hours.” I asked if they’d gone shopping…”Nope!” I asked what he’d had for lunch. “Pasta.” Then D started in on what had happened. He was wandering around the kitchen saying “dad kept talking to me and talking to me. just talking and talking…and he wouldn’t believe anything I said. Oh, by the way, what was said in court?”

I asked what he meant. He said that dad kept saying the judge said D didn’t want to visit with dad. I said, “No, that’s not what the judge said. He told us that you were very clear about not wanting to spend half of the time there. But he never said that you didn’t want to go at all.” D appeared vindicated. “I knew it! I knew that’s what I’d said! Dad didn’t believe me. Dad said I didn’t want to visit at all.” I told D I was sorry it worked out like that for him. He shrugged. Then he said, “He kept asking me what I wanted, and I told him and he said ‘No! that’s what your mother wants! I want to know what you want!’….he just wasn’t listening.”

Then, standing on his knees in the chair at the counter he said, “Dad said, do you want to visit or not! if you don’t then fine! Don’t! I don’t care! I’m tired of doing this with you! I’m not going to do this anymore!” I must have looked pretty shocked, because D said, “Well maybe it wasn’t those exact words….” I said, “But that’s what it felt like?” D said, “yeah.” His eyes started to well up and I felt so badly for him.

I think he had this idea that once he talked to his counselor, once he talked to the judge, now that the counselor AND the judge have BOTH talked to dad, then there should be no more question about what D wants. It should be all clear….Should be. I told D he had a counseling appt in 2 weeks, maybe he’d like to write some of this down? “Nah” he said, “I’m pretty good at remembering stuff.”

After that the evening moved on as normal, except around 7pm D was in our room climbing into bed with us wanting to watch football with us. Normally, he’d rather play computer games with his friends. Once he went to bed Husband said, “Poor kid. Just wanted to hang out with people who love him…”
Posted in abuse, co-parenting, crazy making, Divorce, growing up, kids, parenting, Uncategorized, worry
25 Mar 2013
5 Comments

2 Conversations

He wanted A. I said ok, just tell me where and when. For someone who cannot stand to converse with me, he sure seems to like to hear from me. 

From: Unable to make a plan
To: Stacey 
Sent: Friday, March 22, 2013 10:16 AM
Subject: RE: Mainecare

A wants to visit for the weekend.

______________

From: Stacey 
To: Unable to make a plan
Sent: Friday, March 22, 2013 10:36 AM
Subject: Re: Mainecare

Ok, I just need to know when and where you plan on picking him up and dropping him off.

Will you be allowing A to practice his driving?

_____________

 

From: Stacey 
Sent: Friday, March 22, 2013 12:09 PM
To: Unable to make a plan
Subject: Fw: Mainecare

I’m sending this to you again, because I need to hear back from you about when and where you plan on picking up and dropping A off this weekend.

Thanks,
Stacey

____________________

 

From: Unable to make a plan
To: Stacey
Sent: Friday, March 22, 2013 2:15 PM
Subject: RE: Mainecare

No idea at this point, probably (brothers house) this afternoon.

_________________

 

From: Stacey
Sent: Friday, March 22, 2013 1:37 PM
To: Unable to make a plan
Subject: Re: Mainecare

I need to know when and where you plan on picking A up and dropping him off.

Thanks,
Stacey

___________________

 

From: Unable to make a plan
To: Stacey
Sent: Friday, March 22, 2013 3:00 PM
Subject: RE: Mainecare

I can just throw out a fake time and place if you want.  I told you I don’t know and did not have time to plan for it given the short amount of time given.  It will most likely be (brother house) after 5 tonight and Sunday afternoon at gas station.  We will need to discuss my seeing the boys 50% of the time when I return to Brewer at some point.

_____________________

 

From: Stacey 
To: Unable to make a plan
Sent: Friday, March 22, 2013 3:24 PM
Subject: Re: Mainecare
 
Thank you. If the plans of 5:30pm tonight to Noon drop off at the Brewer Irving on Sunday change, please let me know via email.
 
Thanks,
Stacey
 
______________
From: Stacey 
To: Unable to make a plan
Sent: Sunday, March 24, 2013 4:46 PM
Subject: A

Please let me know when you’ll be bringing A home this evening.
 
thanks,
stacey
______________________
 
From: Stacey 
To: Unable to make a plna
Sent: Sunday, March 24, 2013 8:52 PM
Subject: A
 
I just received a message from A saying he’d be home “eventually”. It is almost 9pm and he has school tomorrow, as I am sure you are aware.
He needs to be home no later than 10pm tonight.
 
Stacey
__________________
 
A got home around 9:30 last night. I never heard from his father. We will be retaining a lawyer on Thursday. I am tired. I don’t know why this has to be so difficult. It doesn’t have to be, and I guess that’s what makes me so angry. Meanwhile, on Friday, while he was trying to not answer me, he was also pulling the same shit with A.
 

A

Would you be able to pick me up from school

 

2:03pm

Dad

still waiting on my jeep bud

 

2:03pm

A

What about (your brothers) car

 

2:04pm

Dad

call mary, I think it would be fine though

this sucks!!!

 

2:05pm

A

Suck it up! I’ll drive I have my permit

 

2:05pm

Dad

fuck that

lol

 

2:05pm

A

Well then don’t be a little girl and come pick me up

 

2:06pm

Dad

how many hours you got so far?

 

2:06pm

A

Idk a couple

 

2:06pm

Dad

hahaha

we will see

 

2:06pm

A

Like 16ish

But rly come get me from the school

And you can talk to Edwards

 

2:09pm

Dad

I really dont have my jeep back from the garage yet, they are gonna call when its ready

 

2:09pm

A

Take (your brothers) car

 

2:09pm

Dad

I am in Winslow dumbass

 

2:10pm

A

Wtf

 

2:10pm

Dad

where did you think I was?

 

2:10pm

A

(brothers house)

 

2:13pm

Dad

oh, nope.

 

2:16pm

A

Okay well what time would you be in brewer

 

2:16pm

Dad

later on this evening

 

2:17pm

A

Time frame

 

2:23pm

Dad

sometime in the next 24 hours

 

2:24pm

A

Okay genius

 

2:24pm

Dad

 

3:13pm

A

(brothers house) at 5?

 

3:14pm

Dad

wtf – she misses lots. I said sometime after 5ish and maybe (brothers house)

 

3:15pm

A

okay well, 530 at (brothers house) sound good

 

3:20pm

Dad

hopefully

 

3:20pm

A

ok]

 

4:28pm

Dad

going to pick up jeep right now, should be there by 6ish

 

4:28pm

A

Ok

 

Posted in abuse, co-parenting, crazy making, Divorce, growing up, kids, long distance parenting, parenting, worry and tagged , , , , , , , , ,
12 Mar 2013
2 Comments

Suing your mother

Dad 
So the one good lead I get on a rental turns out to be 26 (Street we live on) street… wtf!! I feel cheated 

 
A
Hahahahahaha
That’s on the other side of the intersection
 
Dad
yeah
 not cool
I was shooting for something a bit closer tot he schools… oh well the search continues I guess 
 
A
That’s not that far from the school. Check sunlight drive or starlight drive
 
Dad
k. I hope you know that I don’t like the idea of suing your mother in court and bringing all the rest of the crap out before a judge… she chose not to mediate with me, and was not really interested in my suggestions that I emailed her. I just want you to know I did make an effort bud. Please delete this after you read as always lol. 
I will find a place in though, hopefully sooner than later too!!
You should see this game I am playing – blazing angels… pretty cool game
of course it is not nba though  When you gonna come down again?

A
Not this weekend maybe next
 
Dad
k

A
They’re coming out with the next assassins creed. It takes place on a pirate ship

 

How does he not know the thing about when you say something about the other parent, kids hears that you’re saying it about them too?

And, Suing me? I’m being sued? How do I not know this? Shouldn’t I know I’m being sued before A knows I’m being sued? Wait…..is he talking about MY motion to modify? Because no one is being sued. Lawyer? What? 

GRRRRRR!!!!!!!

Plus I’m pretty sure that he’s going to try to have the kids 1/2 of the time as a way to wiggle out of child support. He is such an idiot! 

Posted in abuse, child support, co-parenting, crazy making, Divorce, kids, parenting, worry and tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,
11 Mar 2013
12 Comments

Who’s your daddy?

Mediation on Thursday was a colossal waste of time. Waste of my time. Waste of my husbands time. Waste of the mediators time. Waste of the magistrates time. 

I requested not be in the same room as X during mediation. This takes away his power. He likes to holler, he likes to talk over me, he likes to be a bully….consequently, he refused to agree to anything. 

I asked for a set schedule for the boys. His response was “I have to think about it.” 

I asked for medical and educational decision making to be allocated to me. His response was “No.”

I asked for child support. The mediator filled in the worksheet. If they impute his wages at minimum wage, 7.50 an hour, he will owe me 87.00 per week. His response was “I can’t afford that. I want a paternity test.” 

During our status conference the magistrate was beyond confused about this. He told X that he would have to file a motion, and it was unlikely that a judge would approve such a request, as it unlikely to be in the best interest of the children. He also told X that it he didn’t understand that why, now after mediation, is this coming up? His response was, “Actually the mediator suggested it.” The magistrates jaw literally dropped. “Excuse me?” X followed up with, “She cheated on me during the entire length of our marriage. If I am not the children’s biological father, they have a right to know who is.” The magistrate went on to say that regardless of the outcome of any paternity test, he was dad to the kids, nothing is going to change that. 

Since nothing was agreed upon, we are now going to go to trial. Over a set visitation schedule and child support. Seriously. What a waste of time and resources. 

We were both encouraged to come to a resolution prior to a trial. X keeps bringing up that the boys need to be in therapy. A won’t go. He doesn’t want to. I can’t make him. D knows when he needs extra help or someone to talk to. He’s doing ok right now. Anyway, during the status conference X continued to try to get a resolution to this issue. I suggested that X take them. For familiarity sake, the kids can go back to the counselor they had before. X complained that he didn’t have their insurance information. I said I would copy their insurance cards for him. He muttered something that sounded like agreement. I know he won’t take them, but at least it got him off my back about it.

I asked about in the meantime, what a temporary schedule could look like, as the current Sunday to Wednesday isn’t being utilized. He asked X, “What do you suggest, sir?” He responded, “When my older boy wants to see me, he lets me know. I can’t really give any notice about it.” I chimed in, “I’d like to know when and where you’re going to be dropping off and picking up.” The magistrate said to X, “Can you choose a neutral place for pick ups and drop offs to happen?” Apparently, this caught X off guard. “Uh, no, I can’t right now. I’d have to think about it I guess.” 

The magistrate said, “It is important for you to know that during your trial the judge will not only listen to what you say and what evidence you present, but he’ll also be noting your behavior. And sir, your inability to choose a place, well, all I can say is your behavior matters.” 

After an entire day of dealing with his bullshit, I was glad for it to be over. I’m angry that I’ll likely have to get a lawyer to go to trial with me. I’m angry that his is so selfish and delusional that he thinks a paternity test will get him out of paying me 87 dollars a week. I was even more angry when I got this email from him on Thursday night:

From: X
To: Me
Sent: Thursday, March 7, 2013 8:39 PM
Subject: Visitation/suggestions

I suggest alternating weekends – for D you can drop off in Winslow at the local and nearby Irving station (I will be across the street waiting and within view until you have left) and I will drop off at the Irving near you.  Saturday you drop off at 12:00 through Sunday at 5:00 when I drop off.  A can come the following weekend on Friday night until Sunday.  This is until such time that I am able to move to Brewer.

I further suggest in the best interests of the children and while there is still time, that you dismiss the modifications and I will not bring any subsequent action.  Starting somewhat fresh.  It is your call, but I would like to reiterate that going forward with this will not be in their best interests nor ours.  Court is very costly and time consuming and will only end up having negative effects on them.

I didn’t respond. I didn’t want to. I’d been waiting since October for a resolution, I wasted a whole day waiting for a resolution. The next morning he emailed me again. It said “So nothing?” Apparently I wasn’t complying with his crazy quickly enough. I replied that I needed to think about it. I didn’t think about it. I wanted to be done thinking about this shit for a while. Some time on Saturday I responded:

From: Me
Sent: Saturday, March 09, 2013 7:26 PM
To: X
Subject: Re: Visitation/suggestions

X
I agree to alternating weekends. You can pick A up at the high school after class, every other Friday. You can drop him back off at the high school or the Irving Gas Station on North Main in Brewer by 5pm on Sunday.  We are willing to meet you in Newport (half way) at the Dunkin Donuts at 5pm on Sunday, if that’s more convenient.
I have talked to D, and he continues to be uncomfortable with the idea of being away from home overnight with you.  However, he is open to the idea of spending time with you during the day. Perhaps, you could come to Bangor/Brewer for the day every other weekend, and spend 3-5 hours with him in the area to start. The pick up/drop off for D can occur at the neutral location of your choosing in the Bangor/Brewer area.
As far as picking up and dropping off, we are not willing to leave A or D anywhere.  You are required to be present at the pick up/drop off.  This agreement is all contingent on you personally communicating directly with me, regarding any and all scheduling changes or modification as soon as possible.  And I will do the same.
Thanks,
Stacey

This afternoon he replied “I’ll take this under advisement.” Whatever asshole, do whatever you want. I really don’t care. You think this is a game? You like thinking you’re in control? You like thinking that you somehow have the upper hand here? You don’t. You don’t have anything. You ARE going to have a set schedule, you ARE going to pay me child support. I’ll likely have a lawyer for this trial, you might even wind up with SUPERVISED visits after the court finds out the stupid shit you talk to A about. You’ll also likely have your wages imputed far above minimum wage now that you have, not only a bachelors degree, but your JD as well. The internet has lots of information about how much your earning potential really is. 

The average attorney in Maine earns an annual salary of $76,950 as of May 2009, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics’ Occupational Outlook Handbook. Half of all attorneys who practice in Maine earn salaries between $56,870 and $106,110, although the most poorly compensated 10 percent of lawyers in the state earn $45,580 or less annually. 

 

 

Posted in abuse, child support, co-parenting, court forms, crazy making, Divorce, kids, parenting, reality, worry and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,
22 Feb 2013
3 Comments

Trying to coparent with a dummy

Things have been CRAZY! Where to start….lets see. X is the landlord, and he is also the children’s father. When we found out we were moving, I needed to give him notice regarding moving the kids, and also as tenants leaving a lease early. Neither of which I was looking forward to. Here is what happened when I gave him notice about moving the kids. I’ll do another blog post about the landlord / tenant end of this whole situation. 

My divorce states that I need to give X 30 days notice, if possible, if I intend to move the kids. So, I gave him notice.

From: Me
Sent: Friday, February 15, 2013 8:37 PM
To: Dummy
Subject: FYI

X,
I wanted to let you know that we will be moving to New School District in March. As far as the divorce states I am to give you 30 days notice of my intent to move the kids.  You will receive a formal letter in the mail regarding our intent to vacate the house at _____________.
Thanks,
Stacey

I knew it wasn’t going to be that simple, and I was right. 

 
From: Dummy
To: Me
Sent: Sunday, February 17, 2013 2:51 PM
Subject: RE: FYI

For the record, you did not notify me nor attempt to discuss with me the relocation of the children to a new town nor did you notify me nor attempt to discuss with me the withdrawal of D from School A and his subsequent placement in the School B system.  A direct violation of the divorce decree as we have shared custody.  Expect an additional motion for contempt to be filled after your move.

 

Ok seriously? A. we do not have shared custody. We have shared decision making about certain things. Education being one of them. And B. I’ve researched what it takes to file contempt charges…you’re an idiot to think you can scare me with this shit. C. Look at the email I originally sent you, there you will find the NOTICE and the ATTEMPT TO DISUCSS with you D being moved from school A to school B. 

 

From: Me
Sent: Sunday, February 17, 2013 2:32 PM
To: Dummy
Subject: Re: FYI

X,
If you have concerns about D switching schools, feel free to discuss them with me.  Our email below is the 30-day “notification” about the relocation, as our divorce decree states I need to do.
Thanks,
Stacey

 

Seems clear, right? Apparently not. 

 

From: Dummy
To: Me
Sent: Sunday, February 17, 2013 7:16 PM
Subject: RE: FYI

I have concerns, but a discussion with you after the fact that you have already made your decision and informed the children makes what I think moot.  Court may be the best place to discuss actions that have already transpired.  And once again I still do not have the specific date you intend to vacate the house in breach of the lease.

 

Ok so, you want to holler at me for my refusal to parent, but as you can see, I’m parenting, and he’s refusing…anyone else confused yet? 

 

From: Me
Sent: Sunday, February 17, 2013 6:47 PM
To: Dummy
Subject: Re: FYI

X,
I just want to clarify, you have concerns and you choose not to discuss them with me? Now is the time to have an open and civil discussion as far as the concerns you may have.  As far as what’s best for the children and their schooling, it’s a work in progress, and no action has been taken as of yet. As always, this will be a decision based on what is in the best interest of the children.
Thanks,
Stacey

 

Are you ready for it…..? Here comes the crazy!! 

 

From: Dummy
To: Me
Sent: Sunday, February 17, 2013 9:33 PM
Subject: RE: FYI

So that I am clear and that you understand – I am not interested in playing your games and allowing you to put me in the position of bad guy after you have already informed the children of your decision.  What purpose would a discussion at this point have but to affect my relationship with them in a detrimental fashion by casting me as the bad guy by questioning what they have been led to believe is going to be in their best interests.  I don’t for a minute believe that you would not have attempted to spin this in a manner that would preclude any disagreement from them so as to obtain a path of least resistance.  And now what, I am going to give you my concerns and allow you to use that as a wedge to say “Oh look, your Dad doesn’t think this is such a good idea.”  A discussion with me would have been appropriate prior to you doing that, but as is evident – they already know this.  And also for the record – School is not a work in progress, ever.  It is sound decisions made in the BEST INTERESTS OF THE CHILDREN, and not your own – ALWAYS.  I really have to question whether you considered them in any of this, rather as always I am sure it is more of a convenience issue than anything else – hence the medication over actual therapy.  See that is the real problem here isn’t it.  Your decisions are cloaked in “best interests of the children” because it is a nice little phrase to make you feel better about your choices, when in reality you have given very little thought to the possible repercussions to them.  I take comfort in the fact that at least when they were with me my decisions were always based on them, regardless of whether or not you were able to comprehend/contemplate it or not.  But yeah for the record I will take your bait because at least one of us needs to do what’s right by them.

1.  Switching school in the middle of the year is not in the best interests of D, it may be in yours but not his and there is a clear history of statistics to show this.  2.  Given his current academic performance the whole “new place and a chance to start all over fresh” is not what he needs, rather he could use a bit more parental attention at home in regards to homework and a whole lot less computer time.  This is doing nothing more than teaching him to run away from his problems and quit when the going gets tough.  3.  Manipulation of the situation on your part in terms of bolstering the positives of the switch without really addressing the likely consequences does not mean he is in any way competent to give consent; not allowing me the opportunity to discuss with him the switch before a decision was made simply puts anything I might add in response to a switch in a most likely negative light which is not conducive to fostering and promoting positive problem solving skills in him affording him an opportunity to value my input.  4.  It is apparent that you have not really investigated the School B educational situation, nor taken the time to truly reflect on the different standards in place nor the climate that you are thrusting upon him – as a parent that should have been your primary concern rather than just finding a home to move to at his age. 5.  Moving to School B District relinquishes his opportunity for any alternative choice of high school – which based on conversations with him he does not seem to be clear on nor sold on.  6.  Floating him into a new school setting so late in the year where they will not be able to fully evaluate him based on their standards has the potential for simply passing him to the next level regardless of his overall performance capabilities which if they are sub par, lets say like they were a couple years ago, continues to set him up for future failure on a much larger scale.  7.  Socially and educationally speaking I find it quite unnerving that you feel he will adjust so quickly to School B, a much larger system with considerably less room for personalized attention than he has received at School A especially given his track record with similar things.  8.  You really think that a child that has regressed to be overtly introverted to the extent he has over the last few years is going to prosper in School B?  Are you for real?  

Anyone of these factors alone, and there are more if you took the time to actually think about it, should be enough to seriously rethink your actions… if it was about the children.  There is a reason that your friend Crystal busted her ass to avoid this scenario so feel free to get input from her.  Heck feel free to ask that girl down south who is a teacher.  I suspect you avoided those conversations because they would have provided you with the same common sense rational input as well.  But alas, it doesn’t matter what I say because you plan on doing what ever is in YOUR best interests and not theirs.  You know, and this really goes to the heart of the matter, if you only made your decisions with them first and foremost in mind I wouldn’t have a problem with anything you do regarding them.  But you haven’t, and you continue to drop the ball in so many major ways.  It is disgusting and utterly sad all at once.  I guess the biggest difference I see in you compared to most of the other mothers out there, and frankly in retrospect this has always been the case with you, is that you just have no desire to put them above yourself.  It is always about what you want and what you need.  It is with profound disappointment that I look at how they are being raised and what you have done to them.  I seriously don’t know whether to continue to be super pissed off at your choices or just cry for them at what you have done and continue to do.

Feel free to have that open moment of disgust so that your new husband can see it, but when you are in that quiet moment all on your own and don’t have to fake it, you know what I say is the truth.  That is if you even bother to.

 

I felt like I was sprayed with projection slime after reading this. I’m not a bad person, a bad mom…I’m not even a bad ex wife!
I slept on it and responded the next day. I took out all the other BS, I took just his base concern and addressed it. 

 

From: Me
To: Dummy
Sent: Monday, February 18, 2013 9:15 AM
Subject: Re: FYI

X,
Thank you for sharing your concerns regarding D changing schools. 
 
1.  Switching school in the middle of the year is not in the best interests of D, it may be in yours but not his and there is a clear history of statistics to show this.  
 
Once vacation is over we will be contacting both the School B, and the School A teachers to speak with them regarding this type of transition with three months left in the school year. As educators, I’m sure that this is not an atypical situation and they will be able to make recommendations based on what will be best for D. 
 
2.  Given his current academic performance the whole “new place and a chance to start all over fresh” is not what he needs, rather he could use a bit more parental attention at home in regards to homework and a whole lot less computer time.  This is doing nothing more than teaching him to run away from his problems and quit when the going gets tough.  
 
D spends one hour per evening on his computer during the school week. I am in daily contact with all of his teachers regarding homework assignments. Completing school work and homework will still be a requirement for D. That is not something he will be able to escape. 
 
3.  Manipulation of the situation on your part in terms of bolstering the positives of the switch without really addressing the likely consequences does not mean he is in any way competent to give consent; not allowing me the opportunity to discuss with him the switch before a decision was made simply puts anything I might add in response to a switch in a most likely negative light which is not conducive to fostering and promoting positive problem solving skills in him affording him an opportunity to value my input.  
 
If at anytime you would like to speak with D, you are allowed to do so. 
 
4.  It is apparent that you have not really investigated the School B educational situation, nor taken the time to truly reflect on the different standards in place nor the climate that you are thrusting upon him – as a parent that should have been your primary concern rather than just finding a home to move to at his age. 
 
Once vacation is over we will be contacting both the School B, and the School A teachers to speak with them regarding this type of transition with three months left in the school year. As educators, I’m sure that this is not an atypical situation and they will be able to make recommendations based on what will be best for D. 
 
5.  Moving to School B district relinquishes his opportunity for any alternative choice of high school – which based on conversations with him he does not seem to be clear on nor sold on.  
 
D understands that this will end his opportunity to be able to have a choice of high school, but the reality is with his grades and educational performance at School A, its unlikely that anything other than School System B would be an option for him. This has already been discussed with School A. 
 
6.  Floating him into a new school setting so late in the year where they will not be able to fully evaluate him based on their standards has the potential for simply passing him to the next level regardless of his overall performance capabilities which if they are sub par, lets say like they were a couple years ago, continues to set him up for future failure on a much larger scale.
 
As far as your concern regarding School B simply passing him because they are unable to evaluate him, you should know that I was told by Mr. M that School A will pass D, regardless of his grades. Once students reach middle school, they will not keep kids back. 
  
7.  Socially and educationally speaking I find it quite unnerving that you feel he will adjust so quickly to School B, a much larger system with considerably less room for personalized attention than he has received at School A especially given his track record with similar things.  
 
I believe that a persons attitude toward a transition is a big factor in a successful adjustment. D has a very positive attitude towards this transition. 
 
8.  You really think that a child that has regressed to be overtly introverted to the extent he has over the last few years is going to prosper in School B?  
 
I’m unclear as to how you’ve made the determination that D is overtly introverted. That is not our experience with him.
 
Thanks,
Stacey
 
He never responded to this. Of course. 
This whole exchange this weekend was exhausting. But, I’ve done my part. He, in a hateful, manipulative and awful way, voiced his concerns and I was able to be a level headed, clear and responsible parent and address them. 
Can I be done now? Can he just leave? Can he just maybe fall off the face of the earth and leave me alone now? Please? 
 
Posted in abuse, child support, co-parenting, crazy making, Divorce, kids, parenting, reality, worry and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
08 Feb 2013
8 Comments

Court!

Well, first of all, THANK YOU! to everyone for their well wishes and positive thoughts for me yesterday. Everything went just fine. 
I was thinking about why I was so nervous about court yesterday. I know what is going to happen. I know what can happen, and what can’t happen. I know I am in the right here. I know that there is no argument he could possibly have that would take my kids away. Not during a case management hearing anyway. 
Spending so much time over the last two years learning about how unstable he really, truly is has been eye opening. Its changed how I deal with him, and others too. I’ve learned to avoid him and his insanity as much as possible…and this mentality, seems to have created a larger than life idea of my ex. He is toxic. He is bad. He is terrible. He causes as much trouble as possible. He is to be avoided. So, yeah, I was nervous to have to deal with him, up close.

Husband and I got there first. We waited in the hall. X showed up in a full suit. 

We were called in and I sat down. My heart was pounding. Over the doors in front of me was a big silver plaque with the Maine State seal. The plaque said “Dirigo”. I tried to play that word once in Words with Friends. I was told it wasn’t a word. This made me smile, and started to feel a lot more calm.
The Magistrate came in and started talking to us. He was same one that we had before, and he remembered our case. He reviewed my papers and asked me to summarize what I was looking to modify. I had no problem sitting up straight, making eye contact and speaking loud and clear. I wasn’t afraid of this part. X seemed a lot more fumbly. 

They asked him if he had submitted his child support affidavit. He said “No. My circumstances haven’t changed.” The magistrate said “Well, that’s really for the court to decide. You’ll need to submit the form by next Friday, will that be enough time for you to get that done?” X stammered and said “Uh. Well. I guess so.” The Magistrate said that at the status conference that will follow mediation child support will be discussed, including arrears due from the time of service, and going forward if it will be based on actual or imputed income. 

The Magistrate asked about changing contact, because X was around more. I said yes, that was why we need to change it. “Do you agree with that?” he asked the X. The X said, “Yes, but I’d also like to say that I don’t want to have any contact with her that isn’t absolutely necessary. In fact, I’d like the exchanges to be done by a neutral third party.” 

The Magistrate’s eyes got wide and he looked at X, then at his papers and said, “But you have children together. The lines of communication need to be wide open if you have two kids. I am sure you have an opinion about why you feel that way, and the court will look at that after mediation, but that’s unlikely.” 

We were both ordered to take the For Kid’s Sake parenting class. He has to prove that he’s registered by Feb. 22nd. The Magistrate asked if that was enough time to get it done. X said “well that is in the middle of all the other stuff I have going on.” The magistrate gave him until March 7th. We both need to submit certificates of completion. 

We were ordered to schedule mediation with the Clerk. He decided that costs were to be split evenly. We were then asked if there were any other issues we wanted to discuss. I said “No, thank you.” X said, “Yes, actually.”

Magistrate: “Ok sir, go ahead.”

X: “I have an issue with her monitoring all my communication with A. My phone is blocked. We have no privacy. He can’t vent to me or anything.” 

Magistrate: “Ok, anything further, sir?”

X: “Yes, I can’t talk to D on the phone either. I was calling on weekends and he wasn’t there. When I call he’s not available.”

Magistrate: “Do you call in the evenings?”

X: “Yes, but that’s not a good time.”

Magistrate: “Ok, anything further, sir?”

X: “Yes. There is a factual issue with money she got from a raise that was not disclosed in the divorce.”

Magistrate: “With your law school background you should know that without filing your own motions, the motions she has filed is all that the court will be looking at. This includes Rights and Responsibilities, visitation and child support. Without filing your own motion, nothing else will be looked at by the court.” Then he looked at me and said “Would you like the court to look at and discuss this issue?”

Me: “No.”

Magistrate: “Very well then, I didn’t want to assume anything, I like to ask. Is there anything further, sir?”

X: “Yes, my son is on a medication without my consent. I wasn’t even asked!”

Magistrate: “Well that is a serious allegation. However, you have joint medical decision making rights, and she is asking they be allocated to her. You can discuss this during mediation. Is there anything further, sir?”

X: “I have concerns about my youngest son being in counseling. He was only there for 2 weeks, and now he doesn’t go anymore. I also have concerns about her presences in his sessions. That’s not ok.”

Magistrate: “That can be discussed at mediation. Is there anything further, sir?”

X: I’ve spoken to the Department of Human Services and they won’t release any medical benefit information to me without a court order. So I need a court order for that.”

Magistrate: “As I said you have joint decision making authority, so you wouldn’t need a court order to access your children’s medical information. 

X: “Well that is what they told me.

Magistrate: “Is there anything further, sir?”

X: “My youngest son has been very hesitant to speak with me over the last year. And that, I’m sure is intertwined with the counseling piece.”

Magistrate: “You share medical decision making about all major medical issues. Is there anything further, sir?”

X: “I guess not, not without motions.” 

Then the Magistrate asked me about coming to a resolution for an interim order about contact. Since X was whining about not being able to contact the kids and all…He asked me if I had any ideas about a resolution. I said, “He can call anytime he wants to talk with the kids. His phone number is blocked on A’s cell phone only because of some inappropriate text messages. He can call the home phone anytime he wants to talk to the kids, and our phone plan allows for as much long distance calling and the kids want, so they can also call him anytime they like. D is home between 3:30 and 4 most days. We are not home Saturday mornings as D has diving.”

The magistrate looked at X and asked what, based on that, he was going to do?

X didn’t say anything.

The magistrate said “is this a suitable resolution?”

X said “Yeah.”

The magistrate said “What is your resolution?”

X said “I guess I’ll call around 5 or 5:30” 

And with that, it was over. He said he looked forward to seeing us after mediation a status conference. We stood up and left. X raced to the door and was at the elevator before I reached the Clerk’s window. I scheduled mediation. I went downstairs and paid my half of the mediation fee, and went home. 

I was so relived when it was over. And, just like I knew all along, there was nothing to worry about. 

Posted in abuse, child support, co-parenting, court forms, crazy making, Divorce, parenting, worry and tagged , , , , , , , , ,
07 Jan 2013
1 Comment

And the bullshit continues…

So, on Thursday night around 8pm, A facebook messaged me and asked if Dad had emailed me yet. I said, no, but if he did, I’d let A know. A said he wanted to go see dad this weekend.

When I looked at A’s other FB messages, this was between him and dad:
Thursday

Dad
5:43pm
You still coming?

A
5:49pm
Yes

Dad
5:58pm
And mike? I am thinking about 6:30ish.

A
5:59pm
No mike I don’t think, and either 210 or Luke 9 would be better

Dad
6:02pm
Can’t do either – will be studying until 5 and don’t want to be out that late bud. 6:30 or 7 is the best I can do. Why no Mike?

A
6:03pm
Idek, but yeah, the later the better, ill be at the school
Email mom

A
6:53pm
Remember to email her

Dad
7:14pm
Just puked in my mouth a bit… tell me you mentioned going with me already

A
7:16pm
No, she bitched at me last time, as long as you email her she will be fine
I just asked her and she said she wants an email from you

So, see that there? Thursday night from 5:45pm until 7:15pm A told Dad to make sure he emailed me 3 times.
Then, he asked Dad again at 7:15am on Friday “did you email mom?”

From: X
To: Me
Sent: Friday, January 4, 2013 7:44 AM
Subject: A
Friday at 6:30/7 until Sunday at 5

My response:

X,
It is fine with me if you have time with A this weekend. You can pick him up at the basketball game, as that is where he’ll be this evening. You’ll drop him off at 5pm on Sunday, at the end of the road?
I understand you don’t like me, but frankly, that is neither here nor there.
Its not good for A to be waiting outside in the cold for me to come get him, simply because you “don’t like me.”
I will be waiting at the end of the road for him to be dropped off at 5pm on Sunday
Also, in the future, I would appreciate more than 10 hours of notice that you’d like to spend time with the kids. It makes planning more difficult than it needs to be.
Thanks,
Stacey

As usual, I get no response from him about this.

Sunday at 3:43pm A calls me and says he wants to go out to dinner with dad and watch the football game at a local restaurant. I said “I just need an email from your dad about when he’ll be bringing you home.”

A texted me right after and said “nevermind, his email has a virus so he can’t. I’ll be home at 5”
I replied “He could call, or text me or use his school address.”
A answered “His school address got cancelled when he graduated.”

At 5pm I went to the bottom of our road to wait for A to be dropped off. At 5:30 I texted A and asked “where are you?”
His answer was “Ground round. Dad texted you.”
I answered “Ive been checking my messages since I talked to you last and I got nothing.”
A said “He texted you before we left waterville. I saw him do it. he asked me for your number.”

I didn’t reply to A. Instead I called Dad. No answer. I texted Dad. “I didn’t receive anything from you. When are you bringing A home?” I went home. I emailed Dad.

X,
I didn’t hear from you this evening, when I called you did not answer and when I texted you I got no response.
I need to know what time you will be bringing A home tonight.
Thanks,
Stacey

35 minutes later I get a text from him. “8”

Right, so his text messaging capabilities are working just fine I see. Which tells me, he never sent the first message. He wanted me to go wait for A at the end of the road. He wanted to have the ability to inconvenience me, despite all my efforts to the contrary.

At 7:17pm A texted me and said they were leaving the restaurant. At 7:38 he called me and said he was waiting at the end of the road for me. I went down to get him. We drove home talking about football, and RG3. We got home and I made him a bowl of peach cobbler with extra whipped cream. He gave me is bbq chicken tender leftovers. He showed me the clothes dad had gotten him, he rolled his eyes at the batman shirt, and we laughed a little. He said “right because I guess I’m into batman?” He talked about how dad had no internet or cable at his house. How the puppy poops on the floor and how dad isn’t happy its going to be a small dog.

I went to bed feeling ok. I need to draw a line of some sort with X, but with court looming, I want THEM to do it for me. I’m not entirely sure how to proceed here.

Posted in abuse, co-parenting, crazy making, Divorce, Dogs, kids, long distance parenting, worry and tagged , , , , , ,
13 Dec 2012
3 Comments

And we have a winner in the Crazy Bully Competition!

I received this email, unprompted, this afternoon. In case you all were wondering… Yes. He is still insane. And a jerk.
From: X
To: Me
Sent: Thursday, December 13, 2012 12:41 PM
Subject: RE: HE loan

Over the last few years I have given this considerable thought, I hope you take the time to consider the implications of going back to court for modifications again.  In particular you should consider your past actions and the potential consequences should they be brought up before a court of law.  I am, in the sake of the children okay with our agreement as it stands.  It is not a perfect situation but is reasonable.  If we go back to court once again I will however hold you accountable for your past and present actions as well as exercise my full rights as allowed in Maine and will continue to do so until the outcome suits me.  Understand that I will not be taken advantage by you again.  Never again.  This is your decision to make as I will not be forcing the issue, but will respond as legally aggressive as I need to if brought back into court.  You have the life you always wanted and dreamed of; The life you chose to have.  It is very important that I be allowed to live mine.  Moving forward, the children should not have to be exposed nor deal with our personal differences or the consequences of constant court drama for the next five years.

Posted in abuse, child support, co-parenting, court forms, crazy making, Divorce, long distance parenting, parenting, reality, worry and tagged ,
26 Nov 2012
8 Comments

Feeling overwhelmed.

I’m very frustrated. I’m feeling very overwhelmed. I wish I was better at managing it.

We drove 4 hours, stayed in a hotel with a pool, the boys swam and had a lovely time. The next day we drove an hour to my parents house for thanksgiving. It was great to see them. My mom really misses living closer to the boys…and it showed. She spoiled them rotten for the 24 hours we were there.

We got home on Friday, returned the rental car, picked up the dogs, etc…things were quiet and ok. It was really nice.

Saturday night one of the dogs bit D in the face. D was in his space. We have talked to him about this a MILLION times. I don’t know if its  his ADHD, but for some reason he just can’t seem to understand that dog isn’t like our other dog. You can’t get in his face. You can’t play rough with him. He’s still a puppy, he has a lot to still learn. Anyway, D is fine, no stitches required, thankfully. But, after having this dog for 8 months and having NO change in how D interacts with him, and seeing the dog actually getting WORSE when he deals with the kids, and not better…we need to give him a new home. I called an old friend to see if he’d be interested, he said he’d think about it. We’ll see.

I gathered all my court papers today to take to file, only to find out that A. the money I’d set aside for filing these papers has magically been eaten up by Christmas shopping and traveling. And B. The sheriff in SD sent me back the COPY of my motion to modify, not the notarized original. The notarized original was given to the ex.
I emailed them to find out what on earth I can do now, and of course, as you’d guess, I have to redo it. I have to redo it, get it notarized again, and send it again, to South Dakota. I have to hope that they can find him before his classes end and he ends up who knows where.  Seriously. This is just so frustrating.

And finally, I still haven’t gotten a report from the place I took D to be evaluated. The place that did all sorts of testing and told me that he has ADHD. The place that takes 3 months to write a damn report. Without that report, I can’t ask for a meeting with the school to figure out how to best help D. The work I’m doing with him at home to get all his work done, is just not sustainable. Its exhausting. I need the school’s help. But I can’t get it without that report. His first appointment was in August. His second appointment was at the beginning of  September. Its almost December. I called them again today to find out how much longer and was told “someone will get back to you.”

I am so frustrated. I feel like crying. Seriously. When does this get easier?

 

 

Posted in adhd, court forms, parenting, school, Uncategorized, worry and tagged ,

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