Looking Forward

Making a better life for me and my kids

Archive for the category “reality”

04 Jun 2013
5 Comments

It never ends

I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried. 

Once we finally agreed on a counselor for the kids, I called him myself to speak with him about the boys, and about how since X wasn’t allowing me to bring either child to any initial appointments, I wanted to know how he gathers information from both parent. We had a lengthy conversation and he was looking forward to X scheduling the appts for the boys. 

Once the appointments were scheduled X emailed me and told me I was to inform D that he would be picked up at school by his father for this appt. He also told me that if I cared to share my concerns with the doctor, that I should email the doctor directly. I didn’t get a chance to do it yesterday, and now it seems I won’t need to. 

I received and email from X this morning that talked about my bad parenting, but then said:
“I have received word from Dr. __________ that after he read my email detailing my concerns and after speaking with you that he feels the issues to complex and time consuming to be able to accept the children.  I will speak with the other Doctor that I emailed you about and see if she is able to see them.”

I can only imagine what kind of bullshit his email was full of. Probably 6-8 pages long detailing all the my inadequacies, and what a detrimental effect they’ve had on him and the kids. Shes a whore! She married a drunk! She locks the kids out and makes them cook their own meals! She REFUSES to let me see my son! Did I mention that she’s a whore!? (That’s my guess anyway – as that is what he sent to the court the first time I asked for a visitation modification.) 

I didn’t agree to the other provider, and told him so. Again. 

His response was:

“Dr. __________ has significant experience in dealing with the children and although not the top choice from the list you provided she seems to be the only qualified option left within the provider list you gave me.  Are you against having a female doctor see the boys?  If she is unacceptable I will need to expand my search to find another like qualified doctor.”

I sent it along to my lawyer and requested this be something we deal with during our status conference on Thursday. I sent X an updated provider list from the insurance website.

His answer, “At this point I have checked on the current list you have given me and there is only one that might work.  That is __________.  I am awaiting his return call.  If after speaking with him I feel he is a good fit for the needs of the boys I will let you know, otherwise I will be going with ________(the provider I have already said I do not agree to, TWICE)  whom is by far the most qualified of all those remaining on the list you gave me.”

Apparently, the part where we have to AGREE is only applicable to decisions that I make. 
Asshole.

Posted in abuse, co-parenting, crazy making, Divorce, parenting, reality and tagged , , , , ,
11 Mar 2013
12 Comments

Who’s your daddy?

Mediation on Thursday was a colossal waste of time. Waste of my time. Waste of my husbands time. Waste of the mediators time. Waste of the magistrates time. 

I requested not be in the same room as X during mediation. This takes away his power. He likes to holler, he likes to talk over me, he likes to be a bully….consequently, he refused to agree to anything. 

I asked for a set schedule for the boys. His response was “I have to think about it.” 

I asked for medical and educational decision making to be allocated to me. His response was “No.”

I asked for child support. The mediator filled in the worksheet. If they impute his wages at minimum wage, 7.50 an hour, he will owe me 87.00 per week. His response was “I can’t afford that. I want a paternity test.” 

During our status conference the magistrate was beyond confused about this. He told X that he would have to file a motion, and it was unlikely that a judge would approve such a request, as it unlikely to be in the best interest of the children. He also told X that it he didn’t understand that why, now after mediation, is this coming up? His response was, “Actually the mediator suggested it.” The magistrates jaw literally dropped. “Excuse me?” X followed up with, “She cheated on me during the entire length of our marriage. If I am not the children’s biological father, they have a right to know who is.” The magistrate went on to say that regardless of the outcome of any paternity test, he was dad to the kids, nothing is going to change that. 

Since nothing was agreed upon, we are now going to go to trial. Over a set visitation schedule and child support. Seriously. What a waste of time and resources. 

We were both encouraged to come to a resolution prior to a trial. X keeps bringing up that the boys need to be in therapy. A won’t go. He doesn’t want to. I can’t make him. D knows when he needs extra help or someone to talk to. He’s doing ok right now. Anyway, during the status conference X continued to try to get a resolution to this issue. I suggested that X take them. For familiarity sake, the kids can go back to the counselor they had before. X complained that he didn’t have their insurance information. I said I would copy their insurance cards for him. He muttered something that sounded like agreement. I know he won’t take them, but at least it got him off my back about it.

I asked about in the meantime, what a temporary schedule could look like, as the current Sunday to Wednesday isn’t being utilized. He asked X, “What do you suggest, sir?” He responded, “When my older boy wants to see me, he lets me know. I can’t really give any notice about it.” I chimed in, “I’d like to know when and where you’re going to be dropping off and picking up.” The magistrate said to X, “Can you choose a neutral place for pick ups and drop offs to happen?” Apparently, this caught X off guard. “Uh, no, I can’t right now. I’d have to think about it I guess.” 

The magistrate said, “It is important for you to know that during your trial the judge will not only listen to what you say and what evidence you present, but he’ll also be noting your behavior. And sir, your inability to choose a place, well, all I can say is your behavior matters.” 

After an entire day of dealing with his bullshit, I was glad for it to be over. I’m angry that I’ll likely have to get a lawyer to go to trial with me. I’m angry that his is so selfish and delusional that he thinks a paternity test will get him out of paying me 87 dollars a week. I was even more angry when I got this email from him on Thursday night:

From: X
To: Me
Sent: Thursday, March 7, 2013 8:39 PM
Subject: Visitation/suggestions

I suggest alternating weekends – for D you can drop off in Winslow at the local and nearby Irving station (I will be across the street waiting and within view until you have left) and I will drop off at the Irving near you.  Saturday you drop off at 12:00 through Sunday at 5:00 when I drop off.  A can come the following weekend on Friday night until Sunday.  This is until such time that I am able to move to Brewer.

I further suggest in the best interests of the children and while there is still time, that you dismiss the modifications and I will not bring any subsequent action.  Starting somewhat fresh.  It is your call, but I would like to reiterate that going forward with this will not be in their best interests nor ours.  Court is very costly and time consuming and will only end up having negative effects on them.

I didn’t respond. I didn’t want to. I’d been waiting since October for a resolution, I wasted a whole day waiting for a resolution. The next morning he emailed me again. It said “So nothing?” Apparently I wasn’t complying with his crazy quickly enough. I replied that I needed to think about it. I didn’t think about it. I wanted to be done thinking about this shit for a while. Some time on Saturday I responded:

From: Me
Sent: Saturday, March 09, 2013 7:26 PM
To: X
Subject: Re: Visitation/suggestions

X
I agree to alternating weekends. You can pick A up at the high school after class, every other Friday. You can drop him back off at the high school or the Irving Gas Station on North Main in Brewer by 5pm on Sunday.  We are willing to meet you in Newport (half way) at the Dunkin Donuts at 5pm on Sunday, if that’s more convenient.
I have talked to D, and he continues to be uncomfortable with the idea of being away from home overnight with you.  However, he is open to the idea of spending time with you during the day. Perhaps, you could come to Bangor/Brewer for the day every other weekend, and spend 3-5 hours with him in the area to start. The pick up/drop off for D can occur at the neutral location of your choosing in the Bangor/Brewer area.
As far as picking up and dropping off, we are not willing to leave A or D anywhere.  You are required to be present at the pick up/drop off.  This agreement is all contingent on you personally communicating directly with me, regarding any and all scheduling changes or modification as soon as possible.  And I will do the same.
Thanks,
Stacey

This afternoon he replied “I’ll take this under advisement.” Whatever asshole, do whatever you want. I really don’t care. You think this is a game? You like thinking you’re in control? You like thinking that you somehow have the upper hand here? You don’t. You don’t have anything. You ARE going to have a set schedule, you ARE going to pay me child support. I’ll likely have a lawyer for this trial, you might even wind up with SUPERVISED visits after the court finds out the stupid shit you talk to A about. You’ll also likely have your wages imputed far above minimum wage now that you have, not only a bachelors degree, but your JD as well. The internet has lots of information about how much your earning potential really is. 

The average attorney in Maine earns an annual salary of $76,950 as of May 2009, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics’ Occupational Outlook Handbook. Half of all attorneys who practice in Maine earn salaries between $56,870 and $106,110, although the most poorly compensated 10 percent of lawyers in the state earn $45,580 or less annually. 

 

 

Posted in abuse, child support, co-parenting, court forms, crazy making, Divorce, kids, parenting, reality, worry and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,
05 Mar 2013
4 Comments

We’ve moved!

We have officially moved! 

My ex is no longer my landlord. The only capacity I need to deal with him now is as the father of my children. 

I can’t tell you all how relieved I am. I’ve slept like a rock for the past 3 nights.

We rented A’s teenage friend to help us with our move on Saturday. Between those two and D and me and Husband, we knocked out all the heavy stuff in just a few hours, and everyone was rewarded with Subway. On Sunday, Husband and I got groceries, ran errands and went back to the house that my children and I had lived in for the last 11 years, cleaned it from top to bottom and took every last thing that was ours. Done. Finally. Keys on the sideboard. 200+ pictures taken. Didn’t even look back. Good riddance.

That house was just a “thing” to X. It was never a home for us. It was just a place for him to keep his wife and kids. A thing he could tell people he had “I bought a house.” It was in constant disrepair. Mold. That I cleaned weekly. Holes in the walls. That I repaired every 6 months. The front door leaked at the bottom. I caulked it, every year or so. No carpet, only subfloor. I ripped it up in the kids rooms in 2006 or so because A suddenly developed asthma (and by ‘suddenly’ I mean I’m sure he’d had it for a very long time because of his under developed lungs when he was born and his father’s refusal to smoke OUTSIDE for his entire childhood, it was only then that his symptoms started to be a big issue) Removing the carpet helped, a lot. But, X never replaced it. Then he left for South Dakota. As the “tenant” I wasn’t allowed to make ‘improvements’. The outside stairs fell apart. He had someone come and patch them together. He emailed me and told me it was my job to powerwash the mold off the side of the house. I didn’t. Its not in the lease. Siding started to fall off. I told him. “It was fine when I left.” he said. The fridge stopped working. It’d get warm, needed to be unplugged and defrosted every 10 days or so. I told him. “It was fine when I left.” he said. The dryer stopped working. I told him. “It worked when I left.” he said. We made due. We bought our own dryer. We lived out of a cooler every 10 days.The mold growing in our bedroom, bathroom and kids bathroom, I cleaned it as often as I could. It was there before he left. He was aware of it. He’ll say he had no idea. I’m sure. And of course, on Sunday he thought he’d get some sympathy from the Facebook world by posting about how difficult it is being a landlord. 

D broke a window. We’ll pay for that. I’m not going to pay for anything else. He’ll send me a bill. I’m sure of it. He told A he was going to sue me. Ok. Whatever. Do whatever you want. I don’t pay you rent anymore. You have no more say about where I live or who I live with. You can’t control me anymore. Money is just money. He wants mine because money is everything to him. It makes him feel powerful. It makes him feel like he has control. Over me. That is what he wants. But he can’t have that now. Not unless he takes me to court. Not unless a judge says I have to. And by then, I’m hoping to have a nice stash of child support saved up, he can have that. Asshole. 

Not only have we moved, we also have a new driver in the house. A passed his permit test last Friday. After a day of moving and packing stuff, Husband was going to call in a pizza order for us to pick up and I was going to driver’s ed to get A. Husband said “let me know, as soon as you know something!” A came out of drivers ed and motioned for me to get out of the drivers seat. He said the instructor told him he’d gotten the highest grade in the class with a 96. I texted Husband to let him know and A drove to the pizza place.

Once inside I gave them my name and the girl found our receipt and pizza and handed it to the counter person. The man looked at the receipt and then at me and said “Is A with you?”
A said “yeah….?” 
The counter guy said, “A, Congratulations on passing your permit test! Awesome job! Anything you want to drink out of the cooler, go ahead and grab it, its on the house!”
A said “Cool, thanks!”, grabbed a Mt Dew and we left. 
“How did he know that?” he asked me in the car. I said “Husband wanted to know how you did, and he called in the order, so I guess it was him.” A was smiling. 

Magically, it was dark and the snow was starting to come down pretty hard, but A was insistent that he wanted to drive home. So he did. It took us a while to get there, but he did a good job and was safe. I was very proud of him. 

The last we’d heard from his dad was “good luck on that test of yours” 3 days before the test. Then on the Sunday after the test this was part of the conversation:

Dad

Any idea where the keys to the house might be?

A

I have no idea

Dad

can you pass along that unless she wants the added bonus of me taking on the cost of lock replacement when I sue she might want to let me know where they are…

thanks bud

hope your all squared away 

A

She says sidebord

Dad

so she left the place unlocked huh, hope nothing happens before I can get there…

Are you all moved out?

A

Ya

And a permited driver \m/

Dad

sweet:)

just be careful bud

is there a new number to call for D?

A

Not yet

Dad

k

hey bud have you ever done fantasy baseball?

A

I havnt before but I probably would

Dad

k

that does not help me right now lol

A

Haha

Dad

yeah, this is way more complex than football

A

Lol I know

 

Seriously? He might as well just have typed the words: “I am a useless individual. I am a terrible parent. I don’t care about you, your life, or your brother. I don’t understand boundaries. I can’t be bothered.” 

Mediation on Thursday. I’m sure he’ll try to bring up the lease. The house. The millions of dollars he thinks I owe him. Too bad I didn’t request to discuss all that in my motion to modify. Oh well! 

Posted in growing up, kids, parenting, reality and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,
22 Feb 2013
3 Comments

Trying to coparent with a dummy

Things have been CRAZY! Where to start….lets see. X is the landlord, and he is also the children’s father. When we found out we were moving, I needed to give him notice regarding moving the kids, and also as tenants leaving a lease early. Neither of which I was looking forward to. Here is what happened when I gave him notice about moving the kids. I’ll do another blog post about the landlord / tenant end of this whole situation. 

My divorce states that I need to give X 30 days notice, if possible, if I intend to move the kids. So, I gave him notice.

From: Me
Sent: Friday, February 15, 2013 8:37 PM
To: Dummy
Subject: FYI

X,
I wanted to let you know that we will be moving to New School District in March. As far as the divorce states I am to give you 30 days notice of my intent to move the kids.  You will receive a formal letter in the mail regarding our intent to vacate the house at _____________.
Thanks,
Stacey

I knew it wasn’t going to be that simple, and I was right. 

 
From: Dummy
To: Me
Sent: Sunday, February 17, 2013 2:51 PM
Subject: RE: FYI

For the record, you did not notify me nor attempt to discuss with me the relocation of the children to a new town nor did you notify me nor attempt to discuss with me the withdrawal of D from School A and his subsequent placement in the School B system.  A direct violation of the divorce decree as we have shared custody.  Expect an additional motion for contempt to be filled after your move.

 

Ok seriously? A. we do not have shared custody. We have shared decision making about certain things. Education being one of them. And B. I’ve researched what it takes to file contempt charges…you’re an idiot to think you can scare me with this shit. C. Look at the email I originally sent you, there you will find the NOTICE and the ATTEMPT TO DISUCSS with you D being moved from school A to school B. 

 

From: Me
Sent: Sunday, February 17, 2013 2:32 PM
To: Dummy
Subject: Re: FYI

X,
If you have concerns about D switching schools, feel free to discuss them with me.  Our email below is the 30-day “notification” about the relocation, as our divorce decree states I need to do.
Thanks,
Stacey

 

Seems clear, right? Apparently not. 

 

From: Dummy
To: Me
Sent: Sunday, February 17, 2013 7:16 PM
Subject: RE: FYI

I have concerns, but a discussion with you after the fact that you have already made your decision and informed the children makes what I think moot.  Court may be the best place to discuss actions that have already transpired.  And once again I still do not have the specific date you intend to vacate the house in breach of the lease.

 

Ok so, you want to holler at me for my refusal to parent, but as you can see, I’m parenting, and he’s refusing…anyone else confused yet? 

 

From: Me
Sent: Sunday, February 17, 2013 6:47 PM
To: Dummy
Subject: Re: FYI

X,
I just want to clarify, you have concerns and you choose not to discuss them with me? Now is the time to have an open and civil discussion as far as the concerns you may have.  As far as what’s best for the children and their schooling, it’s a work in progress, and no action has been taken as of yet. As always, this will be a decision based on what is in the best interest of the children.
Thanks,
Stacey

 

Are you ready for it…..? Here comes the crazy!! 

 

From: Dummy
To: Me
Sent: Sunday, February 17, 2013 9:33 PM
Subject: RE: FYI

So that I am clear and that you understand – I am not interested in playing your games and allowing you to put me in the position of bad guy after you have already informed the children of your decision.  What purpose would a discussion at this point have but to affect my relationship with them in a detrimental fashion by casting me as the bad guy by questioning what they have been led to believe is going to be in their best interests.  I don’t for a minute believe that you would not have attempted to spin this in a manner that would preclude any disagreement from them so as to obtain a path of least resistance.  And now what, I am going to give you my concerns and allow you to use that as a wedge to say “Oh look, your Dad doesn’t think this is such a good idea.”  A discussion with me would have been appropriate prior to you doing that, but as is evident – they already know this.  And also for the record – School is not a work in progress, ever.  It is sound decisions made in the BEST INTERESTS OF THE CHILDREN, and not your own – ALWAYS.  I really have to question whether you considered them in any of this, rather as always I am sure it is more of a convenience issue than anything else – hence the medication over actual therapy.  See that is the real problem here isn’t it.  Your decisions are cloaked in “best interests of the children” because it is a nice little phrase to make you feel better about your choices, when in reality you have given very little thought to the possible repercussions to them.  I take comfort in the fact that at least when they were with me my decisions were always based on them, regardless of whether or not you were able to comprehend/contemplate it or not.  But yeah for the record I will take your bait because at least one of us needs to do what’s right by them.

1.  Switching school in the middle of the year is not in the best interests of D, it may be in yours but not his and there is a clear history of statistics to show this.  2.  Given his current academic performance the whole “new place and a chance to start all over fresh” is not what he needs, rather he could use a bit more parental attention at home in regards to homework and a whole lot less computer time.  This is doing nothing more than teaching him to run away from his problems and quit when the going gets tough.  3.  Manipulation of the situation on your part in terms of bolstering the positives of the switch without really addressing the likely consequences does not mean he is in any way competent to give consent; not allowing me the opportunity to discuss with him the switch before a decision was made simply puts anything I might add in response to a switch in a most likely negative light which is not conducive to fostering and promoting positive problem solving skills in him affording him an opportunity to value my input.  4.  It is apparent that you have not really investigated the School B educational situation, nor taken the time to truly reflect on the different standards in place nor the climate that you are thrusting upon him – as a parent that should have been your primary concern rather than just finding a home to move to at his age. 5.  Moving to School B District relinquishes his opportunity for any alternative choice of high school – which based on conversations with him he does not seem to be clear on nor sold on.  6.  Floating him into a new school setting so late in the year where they will not be able to fully evaluate him based on their standards has the potential for simply passing him to the next level regardless of his overall performance capabilities which if they are sub par, lets say like they were a couple years ago, continues to set him up for future failure on a much larger scale.  7.  Socially and educationally speaking I find it quite unnerving that you feel he will adjust so quickly to School B, a much larger system with considerably less room for personalized attention than he has received at School A especially given his track record with similar things.  8.  You really think that a child that has regressed to be overtly introverted to the extent he has over the last few years is going to prosper in School B?  Are you for real?  

Anyone of these factors alone, and there are more if you took the time to actually think about it, should be enough to seriously rethink your actions… if it was about the children.  There is a reason that your friend Crystal busted her ass to avoid this scenario so feel free to get input from her.  Heck feel free to ask that girl down south who is a teacher.  I suspect you avoided those conversations because they would have provided you with the same common sense rational input as well.  But alas, it doesn’t matter what I say because you plan on doing what ever is in YOUR best interests and not theirs.  You know, and this really goes to the heart of the matter, if you only made your decisions with them first and foremost in mind I wouldn’t have a problem with anything you do regarding them.  But you haven’t, and you continue to drop the ball in so many major ways.  It is disgusting and utterly sad all at once.  I guess the biggest difference I see in you compared to most of the other mothers out there, and frankly in retrospect this has always been the case with you, is that you just have no desire to put them above yourself.  It is always about what you want and what you need.  It is with profound disappointment that I look at how they are being raised and what you have done to them.  I seriously don’t know whether to continue to be super pissed off at your choices or just cry for them at what you have done and continue to do.

Feel free to have that open moment of disgust so that your new husband can see it, but when you are in that quiet moment all on your own and don’t have to fake it, you know what I say is the truth.  That is if you even bother to.

 

I felt like I was sprayed with projection slime after reading this. I’m not a bad person, a bad mom…I’m not even a bad ex wife!
I slept on it and responded the next day. I took out all the other BS, I took just his base concern and addressed it. 

 

From: Me
To: Dummy
Sent: Monday, February 18, 2013 9:15 AM
Subject: Re: FYI

X,
Thank you for sharing your concerns regarding D changing schools. 
 
1.  Switching school in the middle of the year is not in the best interests of D, it may be in yours but not his and there is a clear history of statistics to show this.  
 
Once vacation is over we will be contacting both the School B, and the School A teachers to speak with them regarding this type of transition with three months left in the school year. As educators, I’m sure that this is not an atypical situation and they will be able to make recommendations based on what will be best for D. 
 
2.  Given his current academic performance the whole “new place and a chance to start all over fresh” is not what he needs, rather he could use a bit more parental attention at home in regards to homework and a whole lot less computer time.  This is doing nothing more than teaching him to run away from his problems and quit when the going gets tough.  
 
D spends one hour per evening on his computer during the school week. I am in daily contact with all of his teachers regarding homework assignments. Completing school work and homework will still be a requirement for D. That is not something he will be able to escape. 
 
3.  Manipulation of the situation on your part in terms of bolstering the positives of the switch without really addressing the likely consequences does not mean he is in any way competent to give consent; not allowing me the opportunity to discuss with him the switch before a decision was made simply puts anything I might add in response to a switch in a most likely negative light which is not conducive to fostering and promoting positive problem solving skills in him affording him an opportunity to value my input.  
 
If at anytime you would like to speak with D, you are allowed to do so. 
 
4.  It is apparent that you have not really investigated the School B educational situation, nor taken the time to truly reflect on the different standards in place nor the climate that you are thrusting upon him – as a parent that should have been your primary concern rather than just finding a home to move to at his age. 
 
Once vacation is over we will be contacting both the School B, and the School A teachers to speak with them regarding this type of transition with three months left in the school year. As educators, I’m sure that this is not an atypical situation and they will be able to make recommendations based on what will be best for D. 
 
5.  Moving to School B district relinquishes his opportunity for any alternative choice of high school – which based on conversations with him he does not seem to be clear on nor sold on.  
 
D understands that this will end his opportunity to be able to have a choice of high school, but the reality is with his grades and educational performance at School A, its unlikely that anything other than School System B would be an option for him. This has already been discussed with School A. 
 
6.  Floating him into a new school setting so late in the year where they will not be able to fully evaluate him based on their standards has the potential for simply passing him to the next level regardless of his overall performance capabilities which if they are sub par, lets say like they were a couple years ago, continues to set him up for future failure on a much larger scale.
 
As far as your concern regarding School B simply passing him because they are unable to evaluate him, you should know that I was told by Mr. M that School A will pass D, regardless of his grades. Once students reach middle school, they will not keep kids back. 
  
7.  Socially and educationally speaking I find it quite unnerving that you feel he will adjust so quickly to School B, a much larger system with considerably less room for personalized attention than he has received at School A especially given his track record with similar things.  
 
I believe that a persons attitude toward a transition is a big factor in a successful adjustment. D has a very positive attitude towards this transition. 
 
8.  You really think that a child that has regressed to be overtly introverted to the extent he has over the last few years is going to prosper in School B?  
 
I’m unclear as to how you’ve made the determination that D is overtly introverted. That is not our experience with him.
 
Thanks,
Stacey
 
He never responded to this. Of course. 
This whole exchange this weekend was exhausting. But, I’ve done my part. He, in a hateful, manipulative and awful way, voiced his concerns and I was able to be a level headed, clear and responsible parent and address them. 
Can I be done now? Can he just leave? Can he just maybe fall off the face of the earth and leave me alone now? Please? 
 
Posted in abuse, child support, co-parenting, crazy making, Divorce, kids, parenting, reality, worry and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
15 Feb 2013
1 Comment

Moving

I’m waiting for A’s drivers ed class to end. Husband and I found out this afternoon that our application has been accepted. we are finally going to move.
I am beyond relieved, however, am finding myself stressed at the overwhelming reality of WE’RE ACTUALLY MOVING!
I’ll update more when I have time. 🙂

Posted in co-parenting, Divorce, kids, parenting, reality and tagged , , , ,
13 Dec 2012
3 Comments

And we have a winner in the Crazy Bully Competition!

I received this email, unprompted, this afternoon. In case you all were wondering… Yes. He is still insane. And a jerk.
From: X
To: Me
Sent: Thursday, December 13, 2012 12:41 PM
Subject: RE: HE loan

Over the last few years I have given this considerable thought, I hope you take the time to consider the implications of going back to court for modifications again.  In particular you should consider your past actions and the potential consequences should they be brought up before a court of law.  I am, in the sake of the children okay with our agreement as it stands.  It is not a perfect situation but is reasonable.  If we go back to court once again I will however hold you accountable for your past and present actions as well as exercise my full rights as allowed in Maine and will continue to do so until the outcome suits me.  Understand that I will not be taken advantage by you again.  Never again.  This is your decision to make as I will not be forcing the issue, but will respond as legally aggressive as I need to if brought back into court.  You have the life you always wanted and dreamed of; The life you chose to have.  It is very important that I be allowed to live mine.  Moving forward, the children should not have to be exposed nor deal with our personal differences or the consequences of constant court drama for the next five years.

Posted in abuse, child support, co-parenting, court forms, crazy making, Divorce, long distance parenting, parenting, reality, worry and tagged ,
01 Nov 2012
4 Comments

Where does he come up with this?

As you all know, I served the X with modification papers. After nearly a month, he was finally served. I let him know that I would be willing to negotiate prior to a case management hearing. I had the idea that if he gave me what I wanted, I’d take child support off the table. I figured he’d use me waiting for a response as a power play. I didn’t think I’d hear back from him so quickly. Here is the email exchange:

From: ME
To: X
Subject: Re: resolution

Visitation for D to be changed to “reasonable times” to allow him more freedom in making decisions about visitation / overnights. This would not apply to the alternating holiday schedule already in place.

A change in visitation schedule to Sunday at 9am to Wednesday at 3pm. Pick up and drop off remains at the Tradewinds Store. When they are with you, it is your responsibility to be sure they get to school and any extra-curricular activities they are participating in at that time.

When I receive 7 day notice that you intend to use the Sunday-Wednesday schedule, I will be sure to forward you any activity schedules they have.

All communication regarding scheduling time with the kids outside of normal Sunday-Wednesday schedule is to be done with me via email or text message. Not with the kids.

All communication regarding any scheduling or transportation issues for the Sunday-Wednesday schedule is to be done with me via email or text message. Not with the kids.

I am requesting all medical rights and responsibilities be allocated to me for both kids.

In the event that you are staying somewhere besides your mother’s house in Clifton, pickup and drop off location can be altered to accommodate a halfway point for both of us, but that is something that you would need to communicate with me about at least 7 days in advance.

Child support will remain at $0.00

His response:

From: X
To: ME
Subject: RE: resolution 

This sounds like you want me to terminate all of my parental rights including those agreed upon in the divorce agreement, does this also mean you wish for me to complete the process by terminating my parental responsibilities?
_________________________________
I’m guessing someone told him that the only way to NOT have to pay child support is to terminate your parental rights? Or he’s baiting me into saying YES! LEAVE US ALL THE HELL ALONE! so he can show A what he’s been saying all along, that I don’t want the kids to have him as their father. Regardless of what I want, he IS their father, and I can’t do anything to change that.
Posted in abuse, child support, co-parenting, court forms, crazy making, Divorce, kids, long distance parenting, parenting, reality and tagged , , , , ,
15 Oct 2012
8 Comments

Counseling, weekend update – still waiting

 

I started seeing a counselor last week. However, once I spilled all the crap about the kind of person we’re dealing with in regards to the X, how it effects all of us, and how the house we live in is rented from him, etc. his advice was “move.” Really? We should just move? Wow, what a novel idea. Can’t imagine why I didn’t think of that before! When I explained why we’re not moving right now, (no money saved yet for down payment, shitty credit, wanting to keep D in the same district now that he’s having success, and NO rentals in the district, its buy or live elsewhere, etc.) The counselor told me, basically, that I have control issues and that I let the kids run my life. I don’t HAVE to keep them in the same district. Really? It was exhausting, trying to explain to someone why I do what I do – how its not that the kids control my life, but more that they are the main focus of my life, and I want them to be happy and successful. Not hating school is a big part of that. Taking their wants and needs into consideration when making a big decision like moving, to me, is important. Not that they’ll dictate, but I feel like they should be heard.

He suggested I email the X and demand that he fix the holes in the walls from A getting mad and punching the wall last winter. He said I should email him and demand that he fix the window D broke…it is, after all, just as much HIS responsibility as it is mine. When I said it wasn’t worth the fall out from that kind of exchange, he pointed out that I’m scared. Scared that he’ll lose his mind and steal my kids? Yes. Scared that he’ll show up here and set the house on fire while we sleep? Yes. I am scared at how unpredictable he is. After 2 years of divorcing this jackass, I have a pretty good handle on when and why contact is a good idea, and when its not.

My ‘homework’ was that I’m to assign the kids chores that they’ll do without pay and A is to do all his own laundry. I’m also to get interested in something so that the kids can see I have my own life. Honestly, the kids are not something I’m all that concerned about when it comes to my stress levels, other than them just being teenagers. Plus, chores was a big thing with their dad. If they did a chore wrong he made them do it again, and again, and again, never telling them how to do it right, only that its wrong. There was lots of hollering at them. If they cried, they got spanked. If they still cried, or still did it wrong, they got spanked again, and again. When he left, I stopped making my kids do chores. If I need help, I ask, and they do it. If they want money, they do chores to earn it. I don’t think this guy was understanding that it wasn’t a typical household, it wasn’t a typical divorce, and this is not typical co-parenting.

Anyway, the rule about counseling at our house is that you try it three times before you can quit…so I’ll go three times, and hope it gets better.

It was a cold and rainy weekend here – but I did get the stupid house we rent ship-shape for the coming winter. Broken window double sealed with plastic, registers all taken apart, cleaned, and put back together, doors sealed around the edges with foam stuff, etc. It was exhausting, and left me no time to work on the quilt I’m making for D for Christmas. Oh well. At least I won’t feel like I’m heating the outdoors this winter.

Meanwhile, I heard from the sheriff dept in SD and they said they’d received my paperwork last week and would be serving him as soon as they could. I am sick of waiting, but along with everything else, there isn’t anything I can really do about that.

I called my mom and made Thanksgiving plans with her – but I didn’t mention that this is the X’s holiday with the kids. Its likely he won’t show up, so I’m not going to think or worry about it.

I found out today when I ran my credit report that the X missed a payment on the home equity loan we still share, and its effecting my score. This makes me beyond mad. Not because of his irresponsibility, or because I’m doing far more than my fair share of kid-raisin’ with nothing from him. I’m mad because there is NOTHING I can do about this. Nothing. This loan, as per our divorce agreement is HIS responsibility. The bank refuses to take my name off of the loan unless he refinances it. Which, with no income, is impossible. So, I’m left here, tied to him in regards to a 10 thousand dollar line of credit that he’s constantly maxed out with no way to stop the way it affects my credit, and thereby my ability to, hopefully SOON, buy a house.

Posted in abuse, co-parenting, crazy making, Divorce, growing up, kids, long distance parenting, parenting, reality, school, worry and tagged , , , ,
19 Sep 2012
5 Comments

I do not consent!

For YEARS I kept asking my X if there was something wrong with D, the way he was in school, not doing his work, not able to focus, not able to follow through, etc. My X was a teacher, he dealt with kids every day. He was constantly telling me “NO! D is FINE! He’ll grow out of it. its not a big deal.” His teachers seemed to like him, liked his sense of humor, enjoyed him in class, etc.

Fast forward to middle school – NO communication with the teachers, D is failing, not doing his work, its becoming a nightmare. At home he wants to play computer, he wants to watch tv, he can’t follow through on simple tasks like taking the dog out to pee, or cleaning up his room, without direct one on one support. So, I decide that he should see a behavioral specialist.

The specialist recommends that it would benefit D to be evaluated at the early intervention place to see what they can come up with to try to help him do better in school and help us all at home.

We met with the evaluator last week and his test results indicate that he has ADHD. I get this is fairly common, but it was still difficult to hear. She said that medication and therapy were the best bets for him. I tried not to be too pissy at his father for convincing me D was fine, or the school for not realizing there was an issue, or myself for not listening to my gut when I was so sure there was something not quite right. It is what it is…and we’ll need to deal with it. Blame and anger aren’t going to be useful.

We made another appointment for more tests to determine the severity, and an appointment with his primary dr. to discuss treatment options.

I talked to D myself about his tests indicating ADHD the idea of taking medicine every day and continuing to see his behavior dude. He was worried he’d be put in the slow class. I told him absolutely not! that this was all just a way to try to help him do better in school, to remember things better, to hear things better….he was like “I can take medicine that would help me with that?! YES!”

Then I realized I was going to need to let his father know, as we are supposed to share in medical decision making. I knew that he’d have a fit when he realized that D had an actual diagnosis. He’s the type that if his kid has some kind of defect, blame will need to be assigned – and it would be all about him and not at all about his son. And I was right.

From: Me
Sent: Tuesday, September 18, 2012 1:56 PM
To: X
Subject: D

D has been assessed by Dr. (evaluator lady) at the (early intervention place). Her test results indicate that he has ADHD. We are meeting with his primary physician, Dr. (so and so)  at (his dr’s office) on 9/24/12 to discuss treatment options.

And his response:
From: X
To: Me
Sent: Tuesday, September 18, 2012 3:49 PM
Subject: RE: D

I do not consent to him being medicated, what I do consent to is having him placed back in counseling for what he has been through.  But there are many things in that boys life that I do not, nor will ever consent to.  Medicating that little boy is an absolute shame and something that he will never forget for the rest of his life – hope you keep that in mind.

As much as I wanted to respond with all the logic about adhd not having anything to do with counseling (which he has been discharged from by the counselor because of the progress he made) or “what he’s been through” Whatever the hell that even means – that behavior modification therapy and meds will likely be the options – or that he’s not a “little boy” in 8 short months he’ll be a teenager!
Also, I’ve done research and talked to doctors and moms who have to medicate their kids, and adults who have been medicated since they were kids….I plan on making an INFORMED decision!
I didn’t respond. There would be no point. However, I did let A know about his brother, and asked him to stop making ADHD jokes and to try to be a little more patient. I also told him that his dad thinks medicine is a bad idea. A said “What?! thats dumb! Whatever we gotta do to keep D from busting windows, we need to just do it.” I also mentioned to D last night that I had to tell his dad about all this stuff and that dad wasn’t on board with medicine and D said “Why not!? What if the dr says that’s what is going to be best for me?!” I told him, “then that is what we’ll do”.
Then! after all that…the X called the house to talk to D. Asked him “who told you that you needed to go to the dr?” D’s response was “IDK” and he asked “what kind of troubles are you having?” D just said “i’m not having any troubles.” then the conversation when to D talking about his life is good, super, you know, epic….that made me laugh. The conversation ended right after that. X doesn’t like to hear when his kids are doing well.
Also interesting that he called when he found out D had ADHD, but not when he went to the ER. And by interesting, I mean really really stupid.
Posted in abuse, adhd, co-parenting, crazy making, Divorce, kids, long distance parenting, medication, reality, worry
05 Sep 2012
2 Comments

Where I am is a million times better than where I’ve been

There are days I feel overwhelmed, like today. I’ve been busy traveling to see my parents, getting the kids back to school, worrying about getting bills paid and having enough money to fill the oil tank, get the furnace cleaned and paying for Christmas…you know, all the things adults worry about…well, most adults. Not my ex. I’m certain he’s not worrying about money, or the kids, or his stupid house and how how to heat it this coming winter. He’s not worrying about bills or how his brakes are grinding or the time he’ll be missing from work to make it to all of his son’s cross country meets.

Its unfair. It makes me angry.

I do 1000 things at once. I can carry all the responsibilities of my family. I make sure things get done. I keep us all organized, on time and on task. My kids need someone strong and fair and patient. They have that with me. My kids need consistency and unconditional love and boundaries. They have that with me too. I’ve become THE parent. Not A parent. Not ONE of the parents. THE PARENT. This hasn’t been clearer than when I was filling out the boy’s school forms.

Mother / Legal Guardian: Me
Address: Where I live
Phone: My cell phone
Alt Phone: My work phone
Email: My email

Father / Legal Guardian: X’s name
Address: Blank
Phone: Blank
Alt Phone: Blank
Email: Blank

Is this really so difficult? To do it on my own, yes, it is VERY difficult. Do I have any other options? Not really. I mean, I guess I could do drugs or drink to try to escape the reality of my life…but that sounds pretty shitty for my kids…and frankly I get really irritated and how unproductive a hangover can make me…and drugs are expensive!

I like to think that this is all part of bigger plan. That I’m here raising my kids and my ex is not because the universe is protecting my kids from their father. That I’m in this position because I can keep looking and moving forward, not getting bogged down in self pity and anger and unfairness, which is what my kids need…or, well, maybe its not like that at all…maybe I’m just the bigger and better person, and I’m doing whats right and what is best for my kids, and he’s not because he can’t see beyond his own little bubble.

Lets put this unfairness and overwhelm into perspective….
Where would I be if I weren’t here doing this alone? Would I rather still be married and dreading going home every night? Would I rather constantly be a buffer between him and my kids so he wouldn’t hit them?  Would I rather feel like shit about myself and my abilities as a human being to love and be loved?

When I look at it that way, I wonder what the hell I could possibly be bitching about. I’d rather handle a little unfairness and being overwhelmed then ever go back to that life. I need to remember that where I am is a million times better than were I’ve been.

Posted in abuse, Divorce, kids, long distance parenting, reality, worry

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