Looking Forward

Making a better life for me and my kids

Archive for the category “court forms”

11 Mar 2013
12 Comments

Who’s your daddy?

Mediation on Thursday was a colossal waste of time. Waste of my time. Waste of my husbands time. Waste of the mediators time. Waste of the magistrates time. 

I requested not be in the same room as X during mediation. This takes away his power. He likes to holler, he likes to talk over me, he likes to be a bully….consequently, he refused to agree to anything. 

I asked for a set schedule for the boys. His response was “I have to think about it.” 

I asked for medical and educational decision making to be allocated to me. His response was “No.”

I asked for child support. The mediator filled in the worksheet. If they impute his wages at minimum wage, 7.50 an hour, he will owe me 87.00 per week. His response was “I can’t afford that. I want a paternity test.” 

During our status conference the magistrate was beyond confused about this. He told X that he would have to file a motion, and it was unlikely that a judge would approve such a request, as it unlikely to be in the best interest of the children. He also told X that it he didn’t understand that why, now after mediation, is this coming up? His response was, “Actually the mediator suggested it.” The magistrates jaw literally dropped. “Excuse me?” X followed up with, “She cheated on me during the entire length of our marriage. If I am not the children’s biological father, they have a right to know who is.” The magistrate went on to say that regardless of the outcome of any paternity test, he was dad to the kids, nothing is going to change that. 

Since nothing was agreed upon, we are now going to go to trial. Over a set visitation schedule and child support. Seriously. What a waste of time and resources. 

We were both encouraged to come to a resolution prior to a trial. X keeps bringing up that the boys need to be in therapy. A won’t go. He doesn’t want to. I can’t make him. D knows when he needs extra help or someone to talk to. He’s doing ok right now. Anyway, during the status conference X continued to try to get a resolution to this issue. I suggested that X take them. For familiarity sake, the kids can go back to the counselor they had before. X complained that he didn’t have their insurance information. I said I would copy their insurance cards for him. He muttered something that sounded like agreement. I know he won’t take them, but at least it got him off my back about it.

I asked about in the meantime, what a temporary schedule could look like, as the current Sunday to Wednesday isn’t being utilized. He asked X, “What do you suggest, sir?” He responded, “When my older boy wants to see me, he lets me know. I can’t really give any notice about it.” I chimed in, “I’d like to know when and where you’re going to be dropping off and picking up.” The magistrate said to X, “Can you choose a neutral place for pick ups and drop offs to happen?” Apparently, this caught X off guard. “Uh, no, I can’t right now. I’d have to think about it I guess.” 

The magistrate said, “It is important for you to know that during your trial the judge will not only listen to what you say and what evidence you present, but he’ll also be noting your behavior. And sir, your inability to choose a place, well, all I can say is your behavior matters.” 

After an entire day of dealing with his bullshit, I was glad for it to be over. I’m angry that I’ll likely have to get a lawyer to go to trial with me. I’m angry that his is so selfish and delusional that he thinks a paternity test will get him out of paying me 87 dollars a week. I was even more angry when I got this email from him on Thursday night:

From: X
To: Me
Sent: Thursday, March 7, 2013 8:39 PM
Subject: Visitation/suggestions

I suggest alternating weekends – for D you can drop off in Winslow at the local and nearby Irving station (I will be across the street waiting and within view until you have left) and I will drop off at the Irving near you.  Saturday you drop off at 12:00 through Sunday at 5:00 when I drop off.  A can come the following weekend on Friday night until Sunday.  This is until such time that I am able to move to Brewer.

I further suggest in the best interests of the children and while there is still time, that you dismiss the modifications and I will not bring any subsequent action.  Starting somewhat fresh.  It is your call, but I would like to reiterate that going forward with this will not be in their best interests nor ours.  Court is very costly and time consuming and will only end up having negative effects on them.

I didn’t respond. I didn’t want to. I’d been waiting since October for a resolution, I wasted a whole day waiting for a resolution. The next morning he emailed me again. It said “So nothing?” Apparently I wasn’t complying with his crazy quickly enough. I replied that I needed to think about it. I didn’t think about it. I wanted to be done thinking about this shit for a while. Some time on Saturday I responded:

From: Me
Sent: Saturday, March 09, 2013 7:26 PM
To: X
Subject: Re: Visitation/suggestions

X
I agree to alternating weekends. You can pick A up at the high school after class, every other Friday. You can drop him back off at the high school or the Irving Gas Station on North Main in Brewer by 5pm on Sunday.  We are willing to meet you in Newport (half way) at the Dunkin Donuts at 5pm on Sunday, if that’s more convenient.
I have talked to D, and he continues to be uncomfortable with the idea of being away from home overnight with you.  However, he is open to the idea of spending time with you during the day. Perhaps, you could come to Bangor/Brewer for the day every other weekend, and spend 3-5 hours with him in the area to start. The pick up/drop off for D can occur at the neutral location of your choosing in the Bangor/Brewer area.
As far as picking up and dropping off, we are not willing to leave A or D anywhere.  You are required to be present at the pick up/drop off.  This agreement is all contingent on you personally communicating directly with me, regarding any and all scheduling changes or modification as soon as possible.  And I will do the same.
Thanks,
Stacey

This afternoon he replied “I’ll take this under advisement.” Whatever asshole, do whatever you want. I really don’t care. You think this is a game? You like thinking you’re in control? You like thinking that you somehow have the upper hand here? You don’t. You don’t have anything. You ARE going to have a set schedule, you ARE going to pay me child support. I’ll likely have a lawyer for this trial, you might even wind up with SUPERVISED visits after the court finds out the stupid shit you talk to A about. You’ll also likely have your wages imputed far above minimum wage now that you have, not only a bachelors degree, but your JD as well. The internet has lots of information about how much your earning potential really is. 

The average attorney in Maine earns an annual salary of $76,950 as of May 2009, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics’ Occupational Outlook Handbook. Half of all attorneys who practice in Maine earn salaries between $56,870 and $106,110, although the most poorly compensated 10 percent of lawyers in the state earn $45,580 or less annually. 

 

 

Posted in abuse, child support, co-parenting, court forms, crazy making, Divorce, kids, parenting, reality, worry and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,
08 Feb 2013
8 Comments

Court!

Well, first of all, THANK YOU! to everyone for their well wishes and positive thoughts for me yesterday. Everything went just fine. 
I was thinking about why I was so nervous about court yesterday. I know what is going to happen. I know what can happen, and what can’t happen. I know I am in the right here. I know that there is no argument he could possibly have that would take my kids away. Not during a case management hearing anyway. 
Spending so much time over the last two years learning about how unstable he really, truly is has been eye opening. Its changed how I deal with him, and others too. I’ve learned to avoid him and his insanity as much as possible…and this mentality, seems to have created a larger than life idea of my ex. He is toxic. He is bad. He is terrible. He causes as much trouble as possible. He is to be avoided. So, yeah, I was nervous to have to deal with him, up close.

Husband and I got there first. We waited in the hall. X showed up in a full suit. 

We were called in and I sat down. My heart was pounding. Over the doors in front of me was a big silver plaque with the Maine State seal. The plaque said “Dirigo”. I tried to play that word once in Words with Friends. I was told it wasn’t a word. This made me smile, and started to feel a lot more calm.
The Magistrate came in and started talking to us. He was same one that we had before, and he remembered our case. He reviewed my papers and asked me to summarize what I was looking to modify. I had no problem sitting up straight, making eye contact and speaking loud and clear. I wasn’t afraid of this part. X seemed a lot more fumbly. 

They asked him if he had submitted his child support affidavit. He said “No. My circumstances haven’t changed.” The magistrate said “Well, that’s really for the court to decide. You’ll need to submit the form by next Friday, will that be enough time for you to get that done?” X stammered and said “Uh. Well. I guess so.” The Magistrate said that at the status conference that will follow mediation child support will be discussed, including arrears due from the time of service, and going forward if it will be based on actual or imputed income. 

The Magistrate asked about changing contact, because X was around more. I said yes, that was why we need to change it. “Do you agree with that?” he asked the X. The X said, “Yes, but I’d also like to say that I don’t want to have any contact with her that isn’t absolutely necessary. In fact, I’d like the exchanges to be done by a neutral third party.” 

The Magistrate’s eyes got wide and he looked at X, then at his papers and said, “But you have children together. The lines of communication need to be wide open if you have two kids. I am sure you have an opinion about why you feel that way, and the court will look at that after mediation, but that’s unlikely.” 

We were both ordered to take the For Kid’s Sake parenting class. He has to prove that he’s registered by Feb. 22nd. The Magistrate asked if that was enough time to get it done. X said “well that is in the middle of all the other stuff I have going on.” The magistrate gave him until March 7th. We both need to submit certificates of completion. 

We were ordered to schedule mediation with the Clerk. He decided that costs were to be split evenly. We were then asked if there were any other issues we wanted to discuss. I said “No, thank you.” X said, “Yes, actually.”

Magistrate: “Ok sir, go ahead.”

X: “I have an issue with her monitoring all my communication with A. My phone is blocked. We have no privacy. He can’t vent to me or anything.” 

Magistrate: “Ok, anything further, sir?”

X: “Yes, I can’t talk to D on the phone either. I was calling on weekends and he wasn’t there. When I call he’s not available.”

Magistrate: “Do you call in the evenings?”

X: “Yes, but that’s not a good time.”

Magistrate: “Ok, anything further, sir?”

X: “Yes. There is a factual issue with money she got from a raise that was not disclosed in the divorce.”

Magistrate: “With your law school background you should know that without filing your own motions, the motions she has filed is all that the court will be looking at. This includes Rights and Responsibilities, visitation and child support. Without filing your own motion, nothing else will be looked at by the court.” Then he looked at me and said “Would you like the court to look at and discuss this issue?”

Me: “No.”

Magistrate: “Very well then, I didn’t want to assume anything, I like to ask. Is there anything further, sir?”

X: “Yes, my son is on a medication without my consent. I wasn’t even asked!”

Magistrate: “Well that is a serious allegation. However, you have joint medical decision making rights, and she is asking they be allocated to her. You can discuss this during mediation. Is there anything further, sir?”

X: “I have concerns about my youngest son being in counseling. He was only there for 2 weeks, and now he doesn’t go anymore. I also have concerns about her presences in his sessions. That’s not ok.”

Magistrate: “That can be discussed at mediation. Is there anything further, sir?”

X: I’ve spoken to the Department of Human Services and they won’t release any medical benefit information to me without a court order. So I need a court order for that.”

Magistrate: “As I said you have joint decision making authority, so you wouldn’t need a court order to access your children’s medical information. 

X: “Well that is what they told me.

Magistrate: “Is there anything further, sir?”

X: “My youngest son has been very hesitant to speak with me over the last year. And that, I’m sure is intertwined with the counseling piece.”

Magistrate: “You share medical decision making about all major medical issues. Is there anything further, sir?”

X: “I guess not, not without motions.” 

Then the Magistrate asked me about coming to a resolution for an interim order about contact. Since X was whining about not being able to contact the kids and all…He asked me if I had any ideas about a resolution. I said, “He can call anytime he wants to talk with the kids. His phone number is blocked on A’s cell phone only because of some inappropriate text messages. He can call the home phone anytime he wants to talk to the kids, and our phone plan allows for as much long distance calling and the kids want, so they can also call him anytime they like. D is home between 3:30 and 4 most days. We are not home Saturday mornings as D has diving.”

The magistrate looked at X and asked what, based on that, he was going to do?

X didn’t say anything.

The magistrate said “is this a suitable resolution?”

X said “Yeah.”

The magistrate said “What is your resolution?”

X said “I guess I’ll call around 5 or 5:30” 

And with that, it was over. He said he looked forward to seeing us after mediation a status conference. We stood up and left. X raced to the door and was at the elevator before I reached the Clerk’s window. I scheduled mediation. I went downstairs and paid my half of the mediation fee, and went home. 

I was so relived when it was over. And, just like I knew all along, there was nothing to worry about. 

Posted in abuse, child support, co-parenting, court forms, crazy making, Divorce, parenting, worry and tagged , , , , , , , , ,
13 Dec 2012
3 Comments

And we have a winner in the Crazy Bully Competition!

I received this email, unprompted, this afternoon. In case you all were wondering… Yes. He is still insane. And a jerk.
From: X
To: Me
Sent: Thursday, December 13, 2012 12:41 PM
Subject: RE: HE loan

Over the last few years I have given this considerable thought, I hope you take the time to consider the implications of going back to court for modifications again.  In particular you should consider your past actions and the potential consequences should they be brought up before a court of law.  I am, in the sake of the children okay with our agreement as it stands.  It is not a perfect situation but is reasonable.  If we go back to court once again I will however hold you accountable for your past and present actions as well as exercise my full rights as allowed in Maine and will continue to do so until the outcome suits me.  Understand that I will not be taken advantage by you again.  Never again.  This is your decision to make as I will not be forcing the issue, but will respond as legally aggressive as I need to if brought back into court.  You have the life you always wanted and dreamed of; The life you chose to have.  It is very important that I be allowed to live mine.  Moving forward, the children should not have to be exposed nor deal with our personal differences or the consequences of constant court drama for the next five years.

Posted in abuse, child support, co-parenting, court forms, crazy making, Divorce, long distance parenting, parenting, reality, worry and tagged ,
06 Dec 2012
4 Comments

Thanks, Asshole pt 2

I said I thought the email I sent yesterday was pointless – and Melanie called it when she said he likely has some made up story about where that money came from.

From: X
To: Stacey  
Sent: Thursday, December 6, 2012 11:32 AM
Subject: RE: HE loan

I appreciate you pointing that out.  I will make sure that I transfer all ‘school loan money’ out of that account.  There seems to be so much to discuss that I do hope things can be resolved with the court this time and that we will not need to repeatedly spend more time in the future going back to court over and over again.     

School loan money. Right. They gave you a 10k loan in November because you’re  graduating in December. That makes perfect sense.

Also, he called the kids last night. It was the first time he’s talked to D since September when he called to ask him about his medication. They were on the phone for a while, 15 minutes maybe. D told me afterwards that it was weird. He also said that dad told him if being a lawyer doesn’t work out, he’d like to be state representative. Yikes!

My guess is that he called because he wants to seem like he gives a crap, now that he’s been served…again. Hopefully South Dakota didn’t give him the original again.

 

 

Posted in child support, court forms, crazy making, Divorce, kids, long distance parenting, parenting
26 Nov 2012
8 Comments

Feeling overwhelmed.

I’m very frustrated. I’m feeling very overwhelmed. I wish I was better at managing it.

We drove 4 hours, stayed in a hotel with a pool, the boys swam and had a lovely time. The next day we drove an hour to my parents house for thanksgiving. It was great to see them. My mom really misses living closer to the boys…and it showed. She spoiled them rotten for the 24 hours we were there.

We got home on Friday, returned the rental car, picked up the dogs, etc…things were quiet and ok. It was really nice.

Saturday night one of the dogs bit D in the face. D was in his space. We have talked to him about this a MILLION times. I don’t know if its  his ADHD, but for some reason he just can’t seem to understand that dog isn’t like our other dog. You can’t get in his face. You can’t play rough with him. He’s still a puppy, he has a lot to still learn. Anyway, D is fine, no stitches required, thankfully. But, after having this dog for 8 months and having NO change in how D interacts with him, and seeing the dog actually getting WORSE when he deals with the kids, and not better…we need to give him a new home. I called an old friend to see if he’d be interested, he said he’d think about it. We’ll see.

I gathered all my court papers today to take to file, only to find out that A. the money I’d set aside for filing these papers has magically been eaten up by Christmas shopping and traveling. And B. The sheriff in SD sent me back the COPY of my motion to modify, not the notarized original. The notarized original was given to the ex.
I emailed them to find out what on earth I can do now, and of course, as you’d guess, I have to redo it. I have to redo it, get it notarized again, and send it again, to South Dakota. I have to hope that they can find him before his classes end and he ends up who knows where.  Seriously. This is just so frustrating.

And finally, I still haven’t gotten a report from the place I took D to be evaluated. The place that did all sorts of testing and told me that he has ADHD. The place that takes 3 months to write a damn report. Without that report, I can’t ask for a meeting with the school to figure out how to best help D. The work I’m doing with him at home to get all his work done, is just not sustainable. Its exhausting. I need the school’s help. But I can’t get it without that report. His first appointment was in August. His second appointment was at the beginning of  September. Its almost December. I called them again today to find out how much longer and was told “someone will get back to you.”

I am so frustrated. I feel like crying. Seriously. When does this get easier?

 

 

Posted in adhd, court forms, parenting, school, Uncategorized, worry and tagged ,
12 Nov 2012
3 Comments

All is quiet

All is quiet.

No news on the negotiation front. I did get my court papers back from SD, so now I need to round up $120.00 so I can go to the court house to file them. Awesome.

With the holidays approaching, I’ve decided to be crafty and make gifts for the youngest niece and nephew.

 

I completed these this weekend. I’m also making my youngest son a quilt, which is almost done. And finally I’m making stuffed Creepers – for those of you who do not have a 12 year old, Minecraft is their obsession, and Creepers are the things that can destroy you. I made one for my son a while ago, he loved it, (and so did the dog) I got requests from his friends to make ones for them too – and our 11 year old niece will be getting one for Christmas.

 

So, with all this keeping my mind occupied, things have been quiet – which is fine by me!

 

Posted in court forms, crafts, kids and tagged , , ,
01 Nov 2012
4 Comments

Where does he come up with this?

As you all know, I served the X with modification papers. After nearly a month, he was finally served. I let him know that I would be willing to negotiate prior to a case management hearing. I had the idea that if he gave me what I wanted, I’d take child support off the table. I figured he’d use me waiting for a response as a power play. I didn’t think I’d hear back from him so quickly. Here is the email exchange:

From: ME
To: X
Subject: Re: resolution

Visitation for D to be changed to “reasonable times” to allow him more freedom in making decisions about visitation / overnights. This would not apply to the alternating holiday schedule already in place.

A change in visitation schedule to Sunday at 9am to Wednesday at 3pm. Pick up and drop off remains at the Tradewinds Store. When they are with you, it is your responsibility to be sure they get to school and any extra-curricular activities they are participating in at that time.

When I receive 7 day notice that you intend to use the Sunday-Wednesday schedule, I will be sure to forward you any activity schedules they have.

All communication regarding scheduling time with the kids outside of normal Sunday-Wednesday schedule is to be done with me via email or text message. Not with the kids.

All communication regarding any scheduling or transportation issues for the Sunday-Wednesday schedule is to be done with me via email or text message. Not with the kids.

I am requesting all medical rights and responsibilities be allocated to me for both kids.

In the event that you are staying somewhere besides your mother’s house in Clifton, pickup and drop off location can be altered to accommodate a halfway point for both of us, but that is something that you would need to communicate with me about at least 7 days in advance.

Child support will remain at $0.00

His response:

From: X
To: ME
Subject: RE: resolution 

This sounds like you want me to terminate all of my parental rights including those agreed upon in the divorce agreement, does this also mean you wish for me to complete the process by terminating my parental responsibilities?
_________________________________
I’m guessing someone told him that the only way to NOT have to pay child support is to terminate your parental rights? Or he’s baiting me into saying YES! LEAVE US ALL THE HELL ALONE! so he can show A what he’s been saying all along, that I don’t want the kids to have him as their father. Regardless of what I want, he IS their father, and I can’t do anything to change that.
Posted in abuse, child support, co-parenting, court forms, crazy making, Divorce, kids, long distance parenting, parenting, reality and tagged , , , , ,
29 Oct 2012
8 Comments

Tired of worrying

Found on X’s Facebook toady, that he is, indeed applying for the bar exam in my state. He asked older son to help a relative with some furniture that he’s buying for “when he gets back”. So, I guess now I need to figure out a way to prepare for his inevitable return and physical presence in my life.

I’m dreading this. I’m in knots about this. I’m ready to cry at the drop of a hat over this. I don’t want him here and around my kids. I don’t want him pretending he gives a shit about his boys when the last 2 1/2 years has clearly shown he doesn’t care. I feel sick. There is nothing I can do. They haven’t even served him, as far as I can tell – so I can’t even file court papers to help keep D from having to go visit him if he doesn’t want to. I can’t start accruing owed child support. I can’t do anything.

I want to warn the kids that their dad has a problem, that he manipulates and bullies, and makes empty promises. I want to tell them that they can have whatever relationship they want to have with him – I’m not going to get in the way of it – but I want  them to know that he’s not a mentally healthy person. I have no idea how to tell them that, or if I even should.

I’m just so tired of worrying.

 

 

 

Posted in abuse, child support, co-parenting, court forms, Divorce, parenting, worry and tagged , , ,
16 Oct 2012
8 Comments

Fake it till you make it

Its all about power and control for him. When he doesn’t have it, he pretends that he does. Who does he think he’s fooling? Guess he’s adopting the “fake it till you make it” concept. Good luck with that.

From: ME
Sent: Tuesday, October 16, 2012 8:41 AM
To: X
Subject: resolution

I’m willing to negotiate with you, if you’d like to try to come to a resolution before the case management hearing. if you’re interested, please email me and let me know.

_________________________________________________

From: X
To: ME
Sent: Tuesday, October 16, 2012 2:27 PM
Subject: RE: resolution

As I have yet to formally be served with any forms or papers I have no idea what it is you are asking for at this time – although I certainly anticipate some areas.  I can say however that I am not sure that I trust you enough to hold valid any type of informal agreement that could possibly be reached based on your past disregard for such agreements we have made.  Further I suspect that a case management conference may not be the proper setting for the issues with which might present themselves moving forward.   But again I will need to wait and see what the papers you have filed are asking for before I commit to anything in particular.

Posted in abuse, child support, court forms, crazy making, Divorce, long distance parenting and tagged , , , ,
16 Oct 2012
8 Comments

And so it begins….again

He’s been served. And of course he did what any normal parent would do, he decided to talk to his child about it.

Dad:

  • hey bud, you around?\

Son:

  • Yeah

Dad:

  • so I have been served with papers from your mother again…
  • you there?

Son:

  • Wtf for this time

Dad:

  • looking for money again. I told her last time that if she goes for money, I might not be able to afford to live back in that area. There just simply is not enough of a market for a new attorney there.

Son:

  • Alright.

Dad:

  • If I live in the area do you still want me to be your primary residence?
  • your call bud. I am not going to lay it all on the line and fight this out if you dont want to live with me.

Son:

  • Yes

Dad:

  • I don’t mean to put you on the spot and it is ok whatever you want – honest. I just need to know what you want
  • It will most likely mean that you will need to go to court though. They are going to want to hear it from you. Just saying
  • ??

Son:

  • Primary residence w/ you

Dad:

  • I am sorry this has to be, or will be so crappy. I didn’t want this at all. things just need to get settled. Some finality is really needed here. ya know?

Son:

  • Ik
  • Ppl r dumb

Dad:

  • How are you doing today?

Son:

  • Good. You?

Dad:

  • well ya know – gearing up for the last 6 weeks of the semester and then two more for finals. The BAR application was or has been a very long and detailed process…. so short answer busy lol

Son:

  • Haha fin
  • Fun

Dad:

  • yeah, not really. Which is why the timing of all of this crap really sucks! but it must be done
  • Gotta head to class bud. Love ya and miss ya – talk to you soon

 

Posted in abuse, child support, co-parenting, court forms, Divorce, kids, long distance parenting, parenting and tagged , , , , ,

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