Looking Forward

Making a better life for me and my kids

Archive for the category “child support”

18 Aug 2015
3 Comments

History repeats itself

As I’ve mentioned, my boss knows Asshat’s gf. The gf used to be married to my boss’s nephew. They have a child together, and until recently, have lived together for the majority of their time divorced.

Several months ago, my boss relayed a story to me where her nephew was talking about needing to find a new place to live. Apparently gf and Asshat were moving in together. Nephew couldn’t afford rent on his own, so he’d need to move. When my boss told me about this I thought it didn’t really seem like ‘news’.

I mentioned it to Husband and we figured Asshat would have to sell his shitty house, so the couple could move somewhere closer to the town where her kid goes to school and her ex-husband lives. That would be good for me, as the state has attached a lien to his house for a portion of the back support he owes me. If he sold that house, I’d get some cash. Also, selling the house would also require paying off the stupid home equity loan. As of last week he was 140 days past due.

All in all, it was just another thing in passing that didn’t mean anything to anyone other than to remind me that asshat still owes me money, and remains a hugely irresponsible asshole.

Fast forward to yesterday…My boss came in “I have something to tell you!…..gf bought a house!”

I thought, Oh, well good for her – at least they won’t be living in that shit hole in the woods….unless…..

“She didn’t buy HIS house did she?” I asked, half joking, because that would be a TERRIBLE idea.

My boss replied “I think she did.”

“No, she couldn’t have. That doesn’t make any sense. She’d basically be paying off the home equity loan, the mortgage, and the liens for him, alleviating all this non-school loan debt, and he’d STILL get to live in his own house. That is a terrible idea. Really. A very terrible idea.”

My boss printed off the FB post announcement that gf had graced all her friends with. She mentioned that her daughter is excited to live with Asshat, the daughter is also excited to have two houses again, but suspects that the daughter doesn’t understand her (gf) and her ex husbands commitment to co-parenting (vomit). She thanked her family for all their support ($$$), and especially “Her guy” (asshat), who came up with this plan, and who gave her TONS of reassurance (pushy) that this would all work out.

As a side note, lets also consider that this was our marital home for over 10 years. If they are starting out new, why would she want THAT house of all houses? She probably wouldn’t. But he would. It’s HIS house. Because we know about how controlling and manipulative he is, this makes perfect sense for him to convince her to put her name on that mortgage. Financially, she would be trapped.

The more I thought about it, the more I was sure I was just drawing conclusions, and had no real facts other than she bought a house. Asshat was pushy about it. Her daughter seems happy about it, and her parents were part of it.

I figured if I called the child support IVR and they told me I had a disbursement of 5k waiting to hit my account, OR the home equity loan got paid off, then we’d know if she bought his house not some other house. I called the child support IVR this morning. Nothing.

When I got to work, I checked the online banking site for my home equity loan.

Capture

It’s gone.

It’s been paid off.

The final financial tie is finally gone. My credit will no longer get worse with each passing month.

She bought his house. Seriously. What a fucking terrible idea.

Posted in abuse, child support, crazy making, Divorce, narcissism
04 Aug 2014
8 Comments

Trash

There has been no contact between Asshat and I since the email exchange where he gave me dates for his trip to Europe. So, imagine my surprise when I got this email (from his old email address that he told me not to use anymore) this evening, with the subject line being “Trash”.

Trash

From: Asshat

To: Me

Today at 7:05 PM

You are some kind of piece of trailer park trash to tell A your going to give him only 125 for school clothes.   Maybe you should get your priorities straight and use some of the money you mooch off of me each week and put your child ahead of your own personal interests.   I know this is not the same thing as drugging up your own child cause you two can’t handle kids without a drink,  so please feel free this one time to pretend to be a responsible parent.  PS try letting him shop somewhere other than target or Wal-Mart too as I think he would prefer that. 

 

I’m not sure the projection could be any more evident if he labeled each sentence “this is projection”.

Not that it really matters, but I’ll just point out a few things:

  1. While it’s a rental, I live in a huge and beautiful house, not a trailer. Not in a trailer park. Also, unlike Asshat, we do have cold AND hot running water here.
  2. I budgeted $500.00 for each kid for back to school shopping. I only gave A $125.00 over the weekend so he could do a little shopping on his own while he is in Boston with his friend.
  3. ADHD meds are not “drugging up your kid” when they are serving the intended purpose of treating the ADHD symptoms so that your kid can actually function effectively.
  4. I only ever drank to deal with my abusive asshole husband, never to deal with my kids. Needless to say, I don’t drink anymore. Not even a little.
  5. The only time the kids buy clothes at Walmart is when they need an orange sweatshirt for tomorrow, or a dress shirt and a tie for the concert tonight. Walmart is awful and as a general rule, we avoid it at all costs. I do love Target though.
  6. I have not had any ‘personal interests’ that have come before my children’s interests for the last 17 years. A texted me tonight to say “dad doesn’t have any money to pitch in for school clothes”. So, if I wanted to know what it was like to put my own interests first, I could ask the asshole that just got back from a month in Europe and now has no money to buy any clothes for the kids.
Posted in abuse, adhd, bullying, child support, co-parenting, crazy making, Divorce, kids, medication, narcissism, parenting, school and tagged , , , ,
07 Jul 2014
7 Comments

Another Monday.

I’m frustrated. I know I shouldn’t be…but I am.

I know I’m supposed to wait patiently for the universe to balance out asshats bullshit with some sort of consequence, but seriously, how long is this going to take? I know, I know, I’m supposed to be so involved with my own life and the kids that I’m not supposed to have time to worry about him and the chaos he leaves in his wake. However, today that is not the case. He has been running all over Europe with the GF, which, I purposefully went to her page to take screen shots to show the Child Support Enforcement people in the event he tries to tell them that “No no, I was never in Europe.”

I can’t tell if they’re having fun – the pictures don’t show that much. It’s more pictures of where they are and what they’re doing…which, is exactly what I need for evidence. The thing that’s getting me is the comments people are making: “Enjoy this once in a life time trip!” I guess they don’t realize that this is the 3rd time he’s traveled in that direction, twice to Europe, once to China. “I’m so glad you guys found each other!” Right, two people who share the same indifference towards their children that they can just leave for a month – nbd. The obliviousness people have towards this situation is mind-boggling. Again. I know. Not my deal. While its likely he’s duped them all into thinking he’s soooo fortunate to have a GF who has paid for the entire trip, its more likely, they’re just as sick of him and her as I am….they’re just being polite and would gag if they realized that he wanders around on all these trips while he also continues to attempt to wiggle out of paying child support.

Meanwhile, both kids birthdays have come and gone. A got a whole $20.00 from his father. He left it taped underneath the coffee table at his house. D got nothing. But, I’m sure the kids totally understand that this thrice in a lifetime trip is super important to their dad and his gf and they would be be selfish to expect him to be thinking of them during such an important trip like this.

Posted in abuse, child support, co-parenting, crazy making, Divorce, kids, parenting
24 Jun 2014
11 Comments

Digging a hole

When we last left off on the child support / arrears story, asshat was doomed to meet with a process server in order to be served with a notice of debt…

Since I hadn’t heard anything lately, I filled out the form online to find out what was happening with the arrears last week. A woman named Michelle called me today to talk to me about the status.

She told me that asshat had spoken with an agent and they had come to the agreement and they would not be collecting any more money from him due to his severe financial hardship. She told me that the agent had made this decision, and  that she was just relaying the information to me. She said that asshat had talked about filing for bankruptcy, and has another small child he’s supporting.

I said, “another child? He doesn’t have any other children.”
Michelle said, “He doesn’t have another child with another woman?”
I said, “No, he doesn’t. His girlfriend has a daughter….”
Michelle interjected and said, “Well that must be the child he’s supporting.”
I said, “The girlfriend, her ex-husband and their daughter all live together. That’s how she’s being supported, by both her parents living together.”
Michelle said “The girlfriend and her ex husband live together? That’s weird.”
I agreed and pointed out the asshat had a vasectomy 13 years ago, there’s no way he has other children.

MIchelle asked twice more, “he doesn’t have any other children?” then she took this information down with a surprising amount of disbelief. “I’ll be sure to get this information to the agent to see if he’d like to reconsider the decision. This isn’t right.”

I agreed that it wasn’t right and then mentioned that he and the girlfriend were currently in Europe, and would be there for 3-4 weeks. “Europe?! how is he able to do that?” I said I didn’t know. She asked what they were doing there, I said I didn’t know, but the email he sent me said they would be traveling around Europe. “Well that doesn’t sound like financial hardship to me.”
I agreed. Michelle wanted to know when they left. I told her on Sunday. “He emailed you this?” she asked, her disbelief was becoming comical.
I said, “Yes he did.” I opened the email and read it to her.
“I don’t normally give people my email address, but can you send that email to me?”
I said, “of course.” and forwarded it along.
“Oh! i got it!” she said. “I’ll send all of this information along to the agent and we’ll see about getting him to reconsider this agreement. We’ll see what we can do to get him to pay you that five thousand dollars.”
I told her that I really appreciated her help.

She asked about his legal studies, as asshat had given that sob story about needing to study for the bar exam to the agent. I told her that he’d graduated a few Januarys ago – and had taken the bar exam twice and failed it twice. “So he’s been graduated for more than a year?” Oh yes, he has.

She clarified with me where he worked and what he did there. She seemed quite flustered by the end of the phone call. I don’t know if it was the first time a State of Maine employee realized they’d been duped by a deadbeat trying to get out of paying child support – but that is what it seemed like. She was clearly angry and frustrated, but hopefully that will work to my benefit.

 

Posted in abuse, child support, co-parenting, crazy making, Divorce, parenting, Uncategorized and tagged , , , ,
05 Jul 2013
7 Comments

Small Claims and Other Shit

Ah, such shit lately. Where to begin…

X served me papers in April for a small claims suit for $4300.00. I’ll take this moment to remind you all that he has paid ZERO dollars in child support over the last three years. 

We got a court date of July 1st, we hired a lawyer and off to court we went. X showed up wearing a black hooded sweatshirt and jeans. He hadn’t shaved in weeks. He looked like shit. 

During mediation he showed pictures declaring we had DESTROYED the place, and demanded repair costs and past rent monies. Our lawyer asked if he had anyone living there now. He said he did. My lawyer asked when that person moved in. “May 1st” X answered. Our lawyer did some quick math and said that his claim against me was now reduced to 1635.00, as he can’t charge me rent that he’s already receiving from someone else. X said “Ok, I guess so.”

Our lawyer also asked him about the past child support he was going to owe me. X said, “I’m not going to owe her anything. In fact, I have my oldest son the majority of the time now, she’s going to have to pay ME support.” This made me laugh a little. 

We had a side meeting and decided that we would offer X $500.00 to avoid a hearing. When our lawyer offered him this, he laughed at my lawyer. He laughed at me. He said, “I don’t think so! That’s not even CLOSE to what you owe me!” And off to a hearing we went. 

In front of the judge he was so disorganized. He was fumbling. He was confused. He had too much paper, and didn’t know what to do with the papers he did have. He talked too much. Before too long he had the judge sighing and frustrated. 

He stated we “trashed the place” and left all kind of things, like bikes, in the yard.
The judged asked him “Could they have been your children’s bikes?”
X answered, “they could have been, I don’t know.”
The judge said, “You don’t know if they were your own children’s bikes or not?”
He said, “No, I don’t.” 

X talked about how “lucky” he was to have a renter ready to move in as soon as I’d moved out. When asked why he didn’t have someone move right in, why wait until May?
He answered “I wanted to put down new flooring.”
My lawyer countered with, “You realize you have no claims against my client for flooring?”
X said, “I know. I was trying to keep the costs down for her.” 
When X was asked about the broken window, he was asked at what point he learned about it. He said he had no idea until he did the walk through after we left. Liar.

He said he had no idea there was mold in the house. There was a persistent mold problem since 2007. Well before he left the house. “I had no idea” he said. 

While I was a witness, X got to cross examine me. “You testified our divorce was contentious. Correct?”
I said, “yes.”
He said, “You filed for divorce May 2010. Is that correct?”
I said, “Yes.”
He said, and then I lived with you for three months after that before I left. Is that correct?”
I said, “Yes.”
He said, so why would I live with you and be nice to you if our divorce was so ‘contentious’ as you stated?”
I said, “Your motives are your own, I have no idea.”
Then the judge stepped in and told him that this was not the time to be rehashing old wounds. He needed to focus on his claim against me and my defense to it, nothing else. 

In regards to a hole we missed while patching the others, X cross examined my husband. We’d already taken responsibility for the hole in question. We were already prepared to pay for it to be fixed. However, that wasn’t enough for X. “Were you aware of the hole in the wall?” he asked Husband.
“From the pictures, yes, it appears that we missed one.”
X kept going, “Would you say it was a big hole?”
Husband said, “I’m not sure the size, I’d need to see the picture again.”
The judge interjected, “The bench already has a copy of this picture, is this really necessary?”
And with that, X sat back down. 

During our time on the stand, husband and I took responsibility for the broken window, for one door, door trim and a hole in the wall. These are things we intended to pay for, but instead of talking to us about it, rather X just sued us. In the end, those are things we had to pay for, totaling $274.00. 

X was not happy about this. At all. He was out the door and in the elevator very quickly.
Then he started feeling sad. He tried to contact A. “I miss you buddy.” But that didn’t get a response. So he called D. That’s right. D. At 7:15pm. Wanting him to come over. D said he didn’t want to, but maybe on Wednesday. They hashed out a plan for Noon until 8pm. I, like a normal person, expected an email from X confirming this. It was like pulling teeth, but I he did email me. One hour before he was to pick D up.

Once D was returned home, he said he’d had a good time. He said they played Black Ops zombies for 8 hours and made it to level 52. He said he’d had pizza for lunch, and the icecream he was eating was dinner.
D also said he’d like to back and do that again. Before I could email X and try to work out a plan, he emailed me.

The details of D’s pick up and drop off were emailed to you yesterday, and for the record you were already aware of the times and where it was to take place based on the discussion you had with D while I was on the phone with him at the time he decided he wanted to visit (7/1) – because he specifically asked you about it and relayed the message back to me as to what you said. Your emails suggests that you were not aware of dates and times and that is highly misleading – if in the future you would simply like a confirmation from me of information you already know I will be more than happy to send one along, but I do not appreciate the attempt to suggest otherwise. I would have been more than happy to attempt to work with you on a time he could visit with me, but each time I have attempted to discuss visitation with you, you have told me he does not want to visit – once again this was clearly not the case. I am really happy he had a great time and asked to do it again.
I was quite disturbed to see that D has a huge scar on his left cheek (with a smaller one above) – as this is the first time I have seen this and was not made aware of him being so injured, I wonder if you wouldn’t mind explaining to me what actually occurred, when it occurred, and who the doctor was that took care of his wounds – given the size of it I cannot imagine that it did not require a number of stitches at the emergency room.

As I previously stated in an email to you, I have already looked into this provider (__________) and had ruled him out. However, I may reconsider if my initial look at this provider was inaccurate. Please obtain the following – Education, type of psychological practice, number of years practicing, specialty areas, years of experience working specifically with children, what type of psychological method employed while working with children, and his availability for new clients. Please get a letter from his office verifying the information requested and send that to me, at which point I will be more than willing to take another look at him. I will be sending along a list of my choices for providers just as soon as I can.

A. Stop trying to justify your inability to NOT run messages through the kids. It’s wrong. Always. Wrong.
B. There were no ER visits or stitches that you’ve not been made aware of. D was playing with the dog. The dog was too rough. This happened in January. Odd you weren’t this shocked about it when you saw him in May.
C. Stop being a dick about the therapist. Seriously. Just cut it out. You know nothing. At all. Stop pretending you’re important and people care what you think. You’re not. And they don’t.

Perhaps if I could come up with a response that isn’t “FUCK YOU”, I’d respond.

Posted in abuse, child support, co-parenting, crazy making, Divorce, growing up, kids, parenting, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , ,
14 Apr 2013
8 Comments

Not surprised

He is such an asshole.

Through Facebook I see the x will be taking A on Saturday. There is no mention of how long…so on Friday, as usual I email x and ask for when and where drop off and pick up will be. No response.
Saturday afternoon comes and A says he has to go, dad is in the parking lot.
I email x on Sunday morning asking when he plans on bringing A home. No response.

I text A and ask if he’ll be home tonight. He says ‘no’. I ask when he thinks he’ll be home. He says probably Thursday. 
I thank him for letting me know, tell him I love him and that I hope he has a good time.

Now I’m off to email my lawyer.

Posted in abuse, child support, co-parenting, crazy making, Divorce, parenting and tagged , , ,
14 Mar 2013
3 Comments

There is no end

X was spouting some crazy stuff…as usual. He brought up my friend and told me that if I were more like her, then our divorce would be like her and her ex’s.
Her and her ex communicate. They share the kids. He pays support. They have a very amazing working relationship, as it is solely based on what is best for their kids. Its the kind of divorce I used to think was possible for me and X. I know better now. 

I emailed her telling her about the crazy, how he brought her up in the conversation. She reiterated that she and her ex work well together because they aren’t thinking about themselves. They are both active participants in their kids lives. I agreed with her. Then she said “I can’t wait for you to not have to deal with this any more.” 

I find it frustrating when people say things like that to me. There won’t be a time when I won’t have to deal with this. Because we have kids, as long as my kids are on this earth, he will be in my life in some capacity. Its unfortunate. Its aggravating. It makes me want to scream. There is no escape from this. He will always be lingering. 

I wish people understood it. But they don’t. They are still of the mindset that he has some kind of “normal” in his thinking. That perhaps, eventually, he’ll realize that if he hates me so much, he should just leave me alone. Rather than constantly trying to cause trouble, he could just have a life of his very own, without me in it. But his brain isn’t working like that. He is caught up with revenge. With winning. With being right. With being victorious. With the world knowing what a whore I am. What a terrible mom I am. How I ruined his whole life. Until I feel as badly about myself as he does about himself, he won’t quit. But unless you are in a position to have to deal with someone with a disorder like this, you can’t really fathom just how crazy and persistent they are. 

The trouble is, the kids lose in all this. They don’t get two, equally committed parents to their best interests. They have one who’s entire life is devoted to helping them become fine young men. The other is hell bent on making the kids realize how the other parent is failing them, and to point out all the other parent’s flaws and shortcomings. If there isn’t enough to make a stink, he’ll just make some up, saying that its in the kids’ best interest that they know what kind of person their mother is. He doesn’t need facts or reality. He is so sure I do this on my end as well. The reality is, I don’t talk about the kids’ dad. Perhaps in passing “Did you talk to your dad today?” Otherwise there is no discussion about him. We have no reason to. He doesn’t communicate with me about anything regarding the kids, so I never have anything to share with them about him. He tells the kids how much he hates me. How he can’t deal with me. It makes them feel awkward.

There is no end to this. There may be relief when A leaves for college, as he doesn’t seem to have much use for D. There will hopefully be more relief when D heads to college. My fingers are crossed, but I’m not holding my breath. 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in abuse, adhd, child support, co-parenting, crazy making, Divorce, parenting, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , ,
12 Mar 2013
2 Comments

Suing your mother

Dad 
So the one good lead I get on a rental turns out to be 26 (Street we live on) street… wtf!! I feel cheated 

 
A
Hahahahahaha
That’s on the other side of the intersection
 
Dad
yeah
 not cool
I was shooting for something a bit closer tot he schools… oh well the search continues I guess 
 
A
That’s not that far from the school. Check sunlight drive or starlight drive
 
Dad
k. I hope you know that I don’t like the idea of suing your mother in court and bringing all the rest of the crap out before a judge… she chose not to mediate with me, and was not really interested in my suggestions that I emailed her. I just want you to know I did make an effort bud. Please delete this after you read as always lol. 
I will find a place in though, hopefully sooner than later too!!
You should see this game I am playing – blazing angels… pretty cool game
of course it is not nba though  When you gonna come down again?

A
Not this weekend maybe next
 
Dad
k

A
They’re coming out with the next assassins creed. It takes place on a pirate ship

 

How does he not know the thing about when you say something about the other parent, kids hears that you’re saying it about them too?

And, Suing me? I’m being sued? How do I not know this? Shouldn’t I know I’m being sued before A knows I’m being sued? Wait…..is he talking about MY motion to modify? Because no one is being sued. Lawyer? What? 

GRRRRRR!!!!!!!

Plus I’m pretty sure that he’s going to try to have the kids 1/2 of the time as a way to wiggle out of child support. He is such an idiot! 

Posted in abuse, child support, co-parenting, crazy making, Divorce, kids, parenting, worry and tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,
11 Mar 2013
12 Comments

Who’s your daddy?

Mediation on Thursday was a colossal waste of time. Waste of my time. Waste of my husbands time. Waste of the mediators time. Waste of the magistrates time. 

I requested not be in the same room as X during mediation. This takes away his power. He likes to holler, he likes to talk over me, he likes to be a bully….consequently, he refused to agree to anything. 

I asked for a set schedule for the boys. His response was “I have to think about it.” 

I asked for medical and educational decision making to be allocated to me. His response was “No.”

I asked for child support. The mediator filled in the worksheet. If they impute his wages at minimum wage, 7.50 an hour, he will owe me 87.00 per week. His response was “I can’t afford that. I want a paternity test.” 

During our status conference the magistrate was beyond confused about this. He told X that he would have to file a motion, and it was unlikely that a judge would approve such a request, as it unlikely to be in the best interest of the children. He also told X that it he didn’t understand that why, now after mediation, is this coming up? His response was, “Actually the mediator suggested it.” The magistrates jaw literally dropped. “Excuse me?” X followed up with, “She cheated on me during the entire length of our marriage. If I am not the children’s biological father, they have a right to know who is.” The magistrate went on to say that regardless of the outcome of any paternity test, he was dad to the kids, nothing is going to change that. 

Since nothing was agreed upon, we are now going to go to trial. Over a set visitation schedule and child support. Seriously. What a waste of time and resources. 

We were both encouraged to come to a resolution prior to a trial. X keeps bringing up that the boys need to be in therapy. A won’t go. He doesn’t want to. I can’t make him. D knows when he needs extra help or someone to talk to. He’s doing ok right now. Anyway, during the status conference X continued to try to get a resolution to this issue. I suggested that X take them. For familiarity sake, the kids can go back to the counselor they had before. X complained that he didn’t have their insurance information. I said I would copy their insurance cards for him. He muttered something that sounded like agreement. I know he won’t take them, but at least it got him off my back about it.

I asked about in the meantime, what a temporary schedule could look like, as the current Sunday to Wednesday isn’t being utilized. He asked X, “What do you suggest, sir?” He responded, “When my older boy wants to see me, he lets me know. I can’t really give any notice about it.” I chimed in, “I’d like to know when and where you’re going to be dropping off and picking up.” The magistrate said to X, “Can you choose a neutral place for pick ups and drop offs to happen?” Apparently, this caught X off guard. “Uh, no, I can’t right now. I’d have to think about it I guess.” 

The magistrate said, “It is important for you to know that during your trial the judge will not only listen to what you say and what evidence you present, but he’ll also be noting your behavior. And sir, your inability to choose a place, well, all I can say is your behavior matters.” 

After an entire day of dealing with his bullshit, I was glad for it to be over. I’m angry that I’ll likely have to get a lawyer to go to trial with me. I’m angry that his is so selfish and delusional that he thinks a paternity test will get him out of paying me 87 dollars a week. I was even more angry when I got this email from him on Thursday night:

From: X
To: Me
Sent: Thursday, March 7, 2013 8:39 PM
Subject: Visitation/suggestions

I suggest alternating weekends – for D you can drop off in Winslow at the local and nearby Irving station (I will be across the street waiting and within view until you have left) and I will drop off at the Irving near you.  Saturday you drop off at 12:00 through Sunday at 5:00 when I drop off.  A can come the following weekend on Friday night until Sunday.  This is until such time that I am able to move to Brewer.

I further suggest in the best interests of the children and while there is still time, that you dismiss the modifications and I will not bring any subsequent action.  Starting somewhat fresh.  It is your call, but I would like to reiterate that going forward with this will not be in their best interests nor ours.  Court is very costly and time consuming and will only end up having negative effects on them.

I didn’t respond. I didn’t want to. I’d been waiting since October for a resolution, I wasted a whole day waiting for a resolution. The next morning he emailed me again. It said “So nothing?” Apparently I wasn’t complying with his crazy quickly enough. I replied that I needed to think about it. I didn’t think about it. I wanted to be done thinking about this shit for a while. Some time on Saturday I responded:

From: Me
Sent: Saturday, March 09, 2013 7:26 PM
To: X
Subject: Re: Visitation/suggestions

X
I agree to alternating weekends. You can pick A up at the high school after class, every other Friday. You can drop him back off at the high school or the Irving Gas Station on North Main in Brewer by 5pm on Sunday.  We are willing to meet you in Newport (half way) at the Dunkin Donuts at 5pm on Sunday, if that’s more convenient.
I have talked to D, and he continues to be uncomfortable with the idea of being away from home overnight with you.  However, he is open to the idea of spending time with you during the day. Perhaps, you could come to Bangor/Brewer for the day every other weekend, and spend 3-5 hours with him in the area to start. The pick up/drop off for D can occur at the neutral location of your choosing in the Bangor/Brewer area.
As far as picking up and dropping off, we are not willing to leave A or D anywhere.  You are required to be present at the pick up/drop off.  This agreement is all contingent on you personally communicating directly with me, regarding any and all scheduling changes or modification as soon as possible.  And I will do the same.
Thanks,
Stacey

This afternoon he replied “I’ll take this under advisement.” Whatever asshole, do whatever you want. I really don’t care. You think this is a game? You like thinking you’re in control? You like thinking that you somehow have the upper hand here? You don’t. You don’t have anything. You ARE going to have a set schedule, you ARE going to pay me child support. I’ll likely have a lawyer for this trial, you might even wind up with SUPERVISED visits after the court finds out the stupid shit you talk to A about. You’ll also likely have your wages imputed far above minimum wage now that you have, not only a bachelors degree, but your JD as well. The internet has lots of information about how much your earning potential really is. 

The average attorney in Maine earns an annual salary of $76,950 as of May 2009, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics’ Occupational Outlook Handbook. Half of all attorneys who practice in Maine earn salaries between $56,870 and $106,110, although the most poorly compensated 10 percent of lawyers in the state earn $45,580 or less annually. 

 

 

Posted in abuse, child support, co-parenting, court forms, crazy making, Divorce, kids, parenting, reality, worry and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,
22 Feb 2013
3 Comments

Trying to coparent with a dummy

Things have been CRAZY! Where to start….lets see. X is the landlord, and he is also the children’s father. When we found out we were moving, I needed to give him notice regarding moving the kids, and also as tenants leaving a lease early. Neither of which I was looking forward to. Here is what happened when I gave him notice about moving the kids. I’ll do another blog post about the landlord / tenant end of this whole situation. 

My divorce states that I need to give X 30 days notice, if possible, if I intend to move the kids. So, I gave him notice.

From: Me
Sent: Friday, February 15, 2013 8:37 PM
To: Dummy
Subject: FYI

X,
I wanted to let you know that we will be moving to New School District in March. As far as the divorce states I am to give you 30 days notice of my intent to move the kids.  You will receive a formal letter in the mail regarding our intent to vacate the house at _____________.
Thanks,
Stacey

I knew it wasn’t going to be that simple, and I was right. 

 
From: Dummy
To: Me
Sent: Sunday, February 17, 2013 2:51 PM
Subject: RE: FYI

For the record, you did not notify me nor attempt to discuss with me the relocation of the children to a new town nor did you notify me nor attempt to discuss with me the withdrawal of D from School A and his subsequent placement in the School B system.  A direct violation of the divorce decree as we have shared custody.  Expect an additional motion for contempt to be filled after your move.

 

Ok seriously? A. we do not have shared custody. We have shared decision making about certain things. Education being one of them. And B. I’ve researched what it takes to file contempt charges…you’re an idiot to think you can scare me with this shit. C. Look at the email I originally sent you, there you will find the NOTICE and the ATTEMPT TO DISUCSS with you D being moved from school A to school B. 

 

From: Me
Sent: Sunday, February 17, 2013 2:32 PM
To: Dummy
Subject: Re: FYI

X,
If you have concerns about D switching schools, feel free to discuss them with me.  Our email below is the 30-day “notification” about the relocation, as our divorce decree states I need to do.
Thanks,
Stacey

 

Seems clear, right? Apparently not. 

 

From: Dummy
To: Me
Sent: Sunday, February 17, 2013 7:16 PM
Subject: RE: FYI

I have concerns, but a discussion with you after the fact that you have already made your decision and informed the children makes what I think moot.  Court may be the best place to discuss actions that have already transpired.  And once again I still do not have the specific date you intend to vacate the house in breach of the lease.

 

Ok so, you want to holler at me for my refusal to parent, but as you can see, I’m parenting, and he’s refusing…anyone else confused yet? 

 

From: Me
Sent: Sunday, February 17, 2013 6:47 PM
To: Dummy
Subject: Re: FYI

X,
I just want to clarify, you have concerns and you choose not to discuss them with me? Now is the time to have an open and civil discussion as far as the concerns you may have.  As far as what’s best for the children and their schooling, it’s a work in progress, and no action has been taken as of yet. As always, this will be a decision based on what is in the best interest of the children.
Thanks,
Stacey

 

Are you ready for it…..? Here comes the crazy!! 

 

From: Dummy
To: Me
Sent: Sunday, February 17, 2013 9:33 PM
Subject: RE: FYI

So that I am clear and that you understand – I am not interested in playing your games and allowing you to put me in the position of bad guy after you have already informed the children of your decision.  What purpose would a discussion at this point have but to affect my relationship with them in a detrimental fashion by casting me as the bad guy by questioning what they have been led to believe is going to be in their best interests.  I don’t for a minute believe that you would not have attempted to spin this in a manner that would preclude any disagreement from them so as to obtain a path of least resistance.  And now what, I am going to give you my concerns and allow you to use that as a wedge to say “Oh look, your Dad doesn’t think this is such a good idea.”  A discussion with me would have been appropriate prior to you doing that, but as is evident – they already know this.  And also for the record – School is not a work in progress, ever.  It is sound decisions made in the BEST INTERESTS OF THE CHILDREN, and not your own – ALWAYS.  I really have to question whether you considered them in any of this, rather as always I am sure it is more of a convenience issue than anything else – hence the medication over actual therapy.  See that is the real problem here isn’t it.  Your decisions are cloaked in “best interests of the children” because it is a nice little phrase to make you feel better about your choices, when in reality you have given very little thought to the possible repercussions to them.  I take comfort in the fact that at least when they were with me my decisions were always based on them, regardless of whether or not you were able to comprehend/contemplate it or not.  But yeah for the record I will take your bait because at least one of us needs to do what’s right by them.

1.  Switching school in the middle of the year is not in the best interests of D, it may be in yours but not his and there is a clear history of statistics to show this.  2.  Given his current academic performance the whole “new place and a chance to start all over fresh” is not what he needs, rather he could use a bit more parental attention at home in regards to homework and a whole lot less computer time.  This is doing nothing more than teaching him to run away from his problems and quit when the going gets tough.  3.  Manipulation of the situation on your part in terms of bolstering the positives of the switch without really addressing the likely consequences does not mean he is in any way competent to give consent; not allowing me the opportunity to discuss with him the switch before a decision was made simply puts anything I might add in response to a switch in a most likely negative light which is not conducive to fostering and promoting positive problem solving skills in him affording him an opportunity to value my input.  4.  It is apparent that you have not really investigated the School B educational situation, nor taken the time to truly reflect on the different standards in place nor the climate that you are thrusting upon him – as a parent that should have been your primary concern rather than just finding a home to move to at his age. 5.  Moving to School B District relinquishes his opportunity for any alternative choice of high school – which based on conversations with him he does not seem to be clear on nor sold on.  6.  Floating him into a new school setting so late in the year where they will not be able to fully evaluate him based on their standards has the potential for simply passing him to the next level regardless of his overall performance capabilities which if they are sub par, lets say like they were a couple years ago, continues to set him up for future failure on a much larger scale.  7.  Socially and educationally speaking I find it quite unnerving that you feel he will adjust so quickly to School B, a much larger system with considerably less room for personalized attention than he has received at School A especially given his track record with similar things.  8.  You really think that a child that has regressed to be overtly introverted to the extent he has over the last few years is going to prosper in School B?  Are you for real?  

Anyone of these factors alone, and there are more if you took the time to actually think about it, should be enough to seriously rethink your actions… if it was about the children.  There is a reason that your friend Crystal busted her ass to avoid this scenario so feel free to get input from her.  Heck feel free to ask that girl down south who is a teacher.  I suspect you avoided those conversations because they would have provided you with the same common sense rational input as well.  But alas, it doesn’t matter what I say because you plan on doing what ever is in YOUR best interests and not theirs.  You know, and this really goes to the heart of the matter, if you only made your decisions with them first and foremost in mind I wouldn’t have a problem with anything you do regarding them.  But you haven’t, and you continue to drop the ball in so many major ways.  It is disgusting and utterly sad all at once.  I guess the biggest difference I see in you compared to most of the other mothers out there, and frankly in retrospect this has always been the case with you, is that you just have no desire to put them above yourself.  It is always about what you want and what you need.  It is with profound disappointment that I look at how they are being raised and what you have done to them.  I seriously don’t know whether to continue to be super pissed off at your choices or just cry for them at what you have done and continue to do.

Feel free to have that open moment of disgust so that your new husband can see it, but when you are in that quiet moment all on your own and don’t have to fake it, you know what I say is the truth.  That is if you even bother to.

 

I felt like I was sprayed with projection slime after reading this. I’m not a bad person, a bad mom…I’m not even a bad ex wife!
I slept on it and responded the next day. I took out all the other BS, I took just his base concern and addressed it. 

 

From: Me
To: Dummy
Sent: Monday, February 18, 2013 9:15 AM
Subject: Re: FYI

X,
Thank you for sharing your concerns regarding D changing schools. 
 
1.  Switching school in the middle of the year is not in the best interests of D, it may be in yours but not his and there is a clear history of statistics to show this.  
 
Once vacation is over we will be contacting both the School B, and the School A teachers to speak with them regarding this type of transition with three months left in the school year. As educators, I’m sure that this is not an atypical situation and they will be able to make recommendations based on what will be best for D. 
 
2.  Given his current academic performance the whole “new place and a chance to start all over fresh” is not what he needs, rather he could use a bit more parental attention at home in regards to homework and a whole lot less computer time.  This is doing nothing more than teaching him to run away from his problems and quit when the going gets tough.  
 
D spends one hour per evening on his computer during the school week. I am in daily contact with all of his teachers regarding homework assignments. Completing school work and homework will still be a requirement for D. That is not something he will be able to escape. 
 
3.  Manipulation of the situation on your part in terms of bolstering the positives of the switch without really addressing the likely consequences does not mean he is in any way competent to give consent; not allowing me the opportunity to discuss with him the switch before a decision was made simply puts anything I might add in response to a switch in a most likely negative light which is not conducive to fostering and promoting positive problem solving skills in him affording him an opportunity to value my input.  
 
If at anytime you would like to speak with D, you are allowed to do so. 
 
4.  It is apparent that you have not really investigated the School B educational situation, nor taken the time to truly reflect on the different standards in place nor the climate that you are thrusting upon him – as a parent that should have been your primary concern rather than just finding a home to move to at his age. 
 
Once vacation is over we will be contacting both the School B, and the School A teachers to speak with them regarding this type of transition with three months left in the school year. As educators, I’m sure that this is not an atypical situation and they will be able to make recommendations based on what will be best for D. 
 
5.  Moving to School B district relinquishes his opportunity for any alternative choice of high school – which based on conversations with him he does not seem to be clear on nor sold on.  
 
D understands that this will end his opportunity to be able to have a choice of high school, but the reality is with his grades and educational performance at School A, its unlikely that anything other than School System B would be an option for him. This has already been discussed with School A. 
 
6.  Floating him into a new school setting so late in the year where they will not be able to fully evaluate him based on their standards has the potential for simply passing him to the next level regardless of his overall performance capabilities which if they are sub par, lets say like they were a couple years ago, continues to set him up for future failure on a much larger scale.
 
As far as your concern regarding School B simply passing him because they are unable to evaluate him, you should know that I was told by Mr. M that School A will pass D, regardless of his grades. Once students reach middle school, they will not keep kids back. 
  
7.  Socially and educationally speaking I find it quite unnerving that you feel he will adjust so quickly to School B, a much larger system with considerably less room for personalized attention than he has received at School A especially given his track record with similar things.  
 
I believe that a persons attitude toward a transition is a big factor in a successful adjustment. D has a very positive attitude towards this transition. 
 
8.  You really think that a child that has regressed to be overtly introverted to the extent he has over the last few years is going to prosper in School B?  
 
I’m unclear as to how you’ve made the determination that D is overtly introverted. That is not our experience with him.
 
Thanks,
Stacey
 
He never responded to this. Of course. 
This whole exchange this weekend was exhausting. But, I’ve done my part. He, in a hateful, manipulative and awful way, voiced his concerns and I was able to be a level headed, clear and responsible parent and address them. 
Can I be done now? Can he just leave? Can he just maybe fall off the face of the earth and leave me alone now? Please? 
 
Posted in abuse, child support, co-parenting, crazy making, Divorce, kids, parenting, reality, worry and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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