Looking Forward

Making a better life for me and my kids

Archive for the month “December, 2013”

20 Dec 2013
11 Comments

No one is going to ruin my Christmas

So the last couple of days have been filled with anxiety and anger and learning to make the best of what the world throws at me. Husband and I have been brainstorming holiday plans in order to maximize the CHEER and minimize the BULLSHIT. 

We’d made alternate holiday plans and was waiting for A to come home on Thursday to run them by him. In the meantime X sent me this:

I had a discussion with A last night about the upcoming holiday time.  He expressed no preference as to where he goes for Christmas eve or Christmas day and that he was fine with the schedule as it was.  I pressed him about the importance of spending time with each of us and had him text you as to what your specific plans where so that he could make an informed decision.  You chose to not give him specifics.  That was not helpful.  Because I think it is important for him to have time with you during the actual Christmas Holiday, and personally since he will not have his brother when he is with me, we came to a conclusion.  He can get picked up on Christmas eve at 9 and would be returned on Christmas morning by 9 to me.  I want him to have an additional day with me so he can be with me until Friday morning keeping the amount of time with me the same for the week.

A simple yes or no will suffice as to your agreement with this.   I have no intention nor desire to do any last minute planning.  If I do not hear from you by the end of my work day today (4:00pm) this deal is off and I will continue on with my previous plans. 

Gross. Really? I’m not allowed to tell him to fuck off, which is unfortunate.

Growing and adapting to bullshit situations like this over and over and over for the last 3 years, it took me less than 5 minutes before I banged out this response:

Asshat,
You’ve involved A far beyond the point of appropriate in my opinion regarding holiday schedules. I do not wish to cause him any further distress in having to make decisions for his parents. This is, as I’m sure you know, the point of a court order – so as to leave the kids out of having to make these kinds of choices. I do not agree to your offer. I will drop A off with you as per the normal schedule on Sunday (12/22) at 11 am and will expect him returned to me, by you, in accordance with the current agreement, 9am on Thursday (12/26).
Thank you,
Me

We will be having Christmas eve tonight. We will make gingerbread houses, we will eat good food, we will spend time together as a family. The boys will hang their stockings tonight and when they wake up tomorrow, we will have Christmas morning. We will open presents and eat and eat and eat some more. We will laugh and make a mess and watch the dog open her gift. It will be a lovely time, because we choose to give the boys an awesome Christmas over banging our heads against a brick wall. 

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18 Dec 2013
2 Comments

Its all MY fault we’re in this spot.

I followed my lawyer’s advice and sent X an email. He wanted begging and groveling. However, I’ve already made alternate plans for Christmas, so I took the opportunity to say I didn’t agree with what he was doing, with no expectation that he’d change his mind. Just more fuel for fire, so to speak. 

Asshat, 

Since 2010, it has been understood that holidays with the boys will be alternating. This year Thanksgiving and Christmas eve were my times with the kids. A didn’t come home for Thanksgiving because it was Thursday, he came because it was my year to have the boys with me. 

I would ask that you would stick to the original agreement that we set forth in 2010 and have A returned home for Tuesday morning. 

Honestly, I expected no response at all. Silly, silly me. 

Interesting.  You have chosen not to follow the agreement we made in 2010.  You went to court to modify that agreement and then chose not to follow the new agreement you got in 2011.  We are currently going back to court because you have once again decided things need to be modified.  Now you are asking me to follow it the original?  Our original agreement included time with D as well.  The 2011 modifications also provided that I see both children.  I have on numerous occasions asked that you adhere to the original agreement and the newer modifications.  You have refused to do so.  Does that really seem right to you?  We are in this spot because YOU, not I, continue to break the agreements we put in place.    

You are mistaken as to why A went with you for Thanksgiving.  It is unfortunate that it seems you and he did not discuss this already.

To the question at hand and just so we are clear, I am not making this decision – You and A have.  I would have had no problem with a holiday schedule that allowed split time like you suggest – and I have said as much, but at this point I don’t trust you to stick to it when we go into court.  His schedule is Sunday through Thursday.  We currently have no holiday schedule in place.  He wants to stick with this current schedule and has said so to me and you.  This doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to have holiday time with you, rather he would prefer to stick to the schedule in place and celebrate the holidays when he is scheduled with you.

I have no dog in this fight as long as I get to see my children equally – which I am currently not being allowed to do because of your efforts.   I am not saying no because I am trying to win, or get even, or whatever – I understand that it is important for them to spend time with both of us.  However, I am respecting my sons wishes.  In addition to that I have been told to wait until a judge decides.  I agree that that is probably the best thing to do at this point. 

He was kind enough to CC my lawyer on this too. Dumbass. 

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17 Dec 2013
11 Comments

The Grinch is trying to ruin our Christmas.

Thanksgiving and Christmas eve are my times with the boys for the holidays this year. I emailed X a few days before Thanksgiving to ask if he would be transporting A to me, or if I should plan to pick him up. I got no response. I connected with A myself about pick up time. 

I emailed X regarding Christmas eve. I asked if it was ok if I picked up A on the evening before, as I was hoping to have them be able to wake up then to open gifts. This was his response: 

Per your attorney’s response to my inquiry regarding summer, we have no agreement at this time regarding holidays or vacations and I guess I agree with her and think it is best to let the Court decide what the schedule should be at this point. 

A had already informed me that he would be with you on Thanksgiving due to his weekly schedule that is currently in place and that he wanted that schedule to remain in place through the Christmas Holidays as well.  We looked at a calendar and he understood that Christmas fell in his time with me and he was ok with that.  He has also informed me that he has had one Christmas already with his grandparents and his uncle that you took him to.  I am already planning on him being with me through Thursday of that week.   

Additionally, I remain open to having you allow D to visit with me at any time. 

I emailed my lawyer and patiently waited her response. Today she told me that there is no language in the divorce or the amendment that would give the court any power to enforce the alternating holiday schedule that I’ve been sticking with since the divorce was finalized. She suggested that I could try to negotiate with X, but said “We all know how that will work out.” 

So, basically, he is going to keep A both Christmas eve and Christmas day, and there isn’t anything that I can do about it. 

I have to believe that this shit will come back to bite him in the ass. Unfortunately, that doesn’t help me figure out how to have Christmas with my kids. I know its just a day and he’s just doing this to make things more difficult than they need to be. Still, it kills me. So, like all the Whos down in Whoville, despite the Grinch trying to fuck with our Christmas, we’ll hold our heads up and remember that love, respect and family are what is really important. Presents can wait until the day after I suppose. 

At least we finally got our trial date…January 2nd.

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02 Dec 2013
5 Comments

Christmas list

On Sunday I got a text message from A. “Dad wants to know what to get D for Christmas.” My initial reaction was, well then Dad should probably call D. Instead I told D and asked what he’d like to do with this. Does he want to have Dad call? Does he want to email Dad? He wanted me to just tell Dad what he’d like. I cut him off and told him that A and I are not the messengers for his Christmas list. D then decided he’d email Dad. I asked if he wanted my help and he said no, he’d be ok. 

Dear Dad,
When you finish reading this, please don’t send me some BS response, saying that its not your fault you left, its moms… Don’t do that. 
Any way, I would rather not come to your house for Christmas this year. You are more than welcome to mail your gift to me, or send it home with A. The reason I don’t want to come to your house this year, are because you missed a good three years of my life. During those year allot of things happened. I don’t feel safe around you, your and A argue over little things, you would (per-say) over react and other things of such nature. perhaps if you went to counselor or something, I don’t really know but anything to keep your anger levels at a minimum. The reasons I kept hanging up on you, were because I was either busy or I didn’t want to talk to you. I feel like I am being pulled apart between you and mom. Mom says you lie, and you say mom lies. I don’t know what to believe or who to believe.
P.S. For Christmas I would like Lego’s or a PC game. Or an X-Box game. You might have to cordnate w/ mom to figure out what she is getting me.
Love D
 
What a great opportunity for X to take some responsibility for being absent and selfish. A perfect chance to apologize and be humble…Or not. 

 

Dear D,
Here is your no BS response – I understand how you feel, probably more than you may think.  It was not your fault. none of that or this.  I left for the singular reason that I was attending school. I intended to finish as soon as I could and return to maine.  I graduated before anyone else in my class and returned to maine as I promised – early.

I am not sure where the issues of safety you have are coming from either, but if those are indeed your feelings and your not just saying that based on something you have heard others say than I will respect that.  

you should also know that I did attend counseling for over a year as I worked through many issues and sadness at the loss of our family. It was hard but ultimately it has helped me greatly to be a much happier person. I understand your anger, it is a part of the healing process just as much is it was for me as it will be for you.  there are many parts to grieving and anger is always one of them unfortunately.

I am sorry that you feel like you are being pulled between myself and your mother. All I know is that I want to spend time with you. I think it is important for you to spend time with me.  as you know, I haven’t had much time with you since I have returned to Maine. Despite the fact that I want to see you and spend time with you that has been prevented.  

I want you to know that I have learned a lot over the last few years. My new profession has a very important rule about lying, and if I lie I can get in very big trouble and not be allowed to be a lawyer.  you should know that you and your brother mean way more to me then any profession or job or money. if I have learned anything in my life, with my dad included, it is that all lies are always uncovered by the truth at some point. I think it’s more important to be honest with you as much as I can because I am going to be your dad for many many more years to come.  lying to you is just not worth it.  the truth is always the best policy.

just know this, I understand you don’t know who to believe or what to believe. I get this.  all I can say is that the times you were allowed to visit you seemed to be having fun, even when I made you correct your paper a couple of times.  it is OK for you to want to visit, it is OK for you to need time to feel comfortable visiting.  my door and home will always be open to you anytime you want.

I want you to think about some stuff, and really give this some thought.

if I could have gone anywhere and started a new life, why did I come back to this state and your town?

if it wasn’t important to me to spend time with you, then why would I bother to fight in court for my right to see you?

I love you and always will because you’re my boy. I’m not going to stop trying to spend time with you, and I’m not going to stop trying to do what I feel is in your best interest. That’s what real dads do. 

I will try to find some really cool games and they will be waiting for you when I see you again!

Love,
Dad

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