Looking Forward

Making a better life for me and my kids

Archive for the month “October, 2013”

29 Oct 2013
19 Comments

Quiet

Its been quiet. No word from x since court on the 15th. No phone calls to D. No emails to me. As far as I know, no emails or phone calls to my lawyer either. 

A has finished up his football season. He did amazing. He’d never played before. He managed to walk onto the team and be a starter. I’m a little sad its over. Not because I’ll miss rushing to an ATM at the last minute for cash for admission, or leaving work early to track down a black and white compression shirts, ankle braces, a meatball sub…all because “Mom, I need it before 4:30!” But because it feels good when your kid impresses not only you, but bleachers full of people. He worked so hard all season, it was awesome to see it all pay off. 

I called Dr. O., D’s therapist, last Monday. I had to leave a message. I said that I didn’t feel that he and D were really clicking and that I wouldn’t be making any more appointments. I said if he felt differently, or wanted to discuss this more, to please call me back. I never heard back from him. I find this irritating. He must also have thought it wasn’t going very well – but why not say anything? Why not call me back and at least thank me for coming and wish D well? Either way – its done with now. 

Last Friday D had counseling with Mr. C, his new (old) therapist. Mr. C was happy to see D, and D was happy to see him. They talked, they laughed, they caught up…it was a little weird, honestly. D isn’t much of a talker about stuff, especially about his dad. But this guy manages to get D to just start talking. It was impressive. 

At one point Mr. C. said to me, “So why is dad so adamant about D being in therapy?” I said “Oh, well…” Mr. C. interrupted me and said, “Do you mind if I guess?” D and I laughed (we had just been talking about interrupting and blurting and how that relates to both D and Mr. C and their ADHD) Mr. C said, “D doesn’t want to visit dad, so rather than thinking, oh well, I guess D just doesn’t feel like coming over, dad thinks that mom must be manipulating D and convincing him not to come over. If D is in therapy, then the truth will come out!” D answered for me, “Yeah that’s about right.” Unlike Dr. O., Mr. C. says he’ll be happy to go to court if need be. D really likes him. I like him too. Lets hope D gets what he needs. 

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17 Oct 2013
12 Comments

He’s so frustrated.

Meanwhile, in Crazytown, X updated his FB status “So frustrated.”
Yeah?
You are?
Really?
Join the fucking club.
GF was right there, “Big hugs…keep doing what you can and know that you’re right.”
She doesn’t understand that its not a matter of being “right.” For him its a matter for feeling powerful and controlling people (mainly Me and the Kids). 

I’ve talked to D at length about the counselor he sees right now. D doesn’t like him. Two sessions ago D didn’t utter a single word for a whole hour. Shrugged. Mumbled. Said, “I don’t know.” That was it. For an hour. We have been to 8 sessions so far. I don’t feel that D is any different then when we first started taking him. D doesn’t like it. I don’t like it. The counselor is sooo wishy washy…. “Do you want to come back again? Next week? Two weeks? More?” I talked to D and told him we can look for a different person who is maybe a better fit. D said ‘YES! PLEASE!’ He says this counselor is just “fake nice”. So, I asked how he’d feel about the previous counselor he saw, Mr. C.  
D said that if he had to go to counseling, that he’d rather see him. 

Yesterday I informed X that D needs a different counselor. This guy is not a good match for him and we need to consider D’s request to see the previous counselor. 

X sent me this:

I disagree.  From what I have gathered, counseling for him has been nothing more than an option in the past and that fact alone may help explain why counseling has never lasted this long and why he continues to struggle with the same issues.  It needs to stop being an option and D needs to understand that Dr. O’s reports on progress will determine when he is done.   Just as a son or daughter is not generally given the opportunity to just refuse to have a cavity filled unless he gets the dentist that he personally wants, D should not be allowed to exclusively dictate who he sees for counseling and when. 

Confronting difficult issues not previously addressed and working on healing needs to be D’s goal now.  As I have stated previously that is not going to happen overnight nor is it something that is going to come easily for a traumatized 13 year old who continues to be scared of saying or doing anything that might rock the boat. 

Might I suggest a more positive approach with D in regards to counseling with Dr. O is needed.  Maybe bribing him to go should no longer be used.  I might also suggest that you never again go into the room with him during his sessions.  But most importantly, maybe you could reassure him that it is ok for him to say whatever he wants and express his feelings to Dr. O however he chooses to.  

Doing the right thing right now ensures that D gets all the help he needs now.  When you suggest to me that he be allowed to once again change his counselor, it makes me feel like you are encouraging him to give up when he is confronted with lifes challenges and that always walking away is the better option – that is not what I want my son to think or feel.  As his father, I believe staying the course is the best thing in the long run for D regardless of whether it makes me out to be the bad guy or not.  

I do not consent to D changing counselors again.      

Feel free to allow him to visit with me and I will be more than happy to discuss the subject with him myself.

 

I replied, if you want D in counseling, it will be with Mr. C. I will be ending services with Dr. O on Monday.

His response: 

We both agreed to counseling with Dr. O.

I have not recieved a single report yet from Dr. O that suggests that counseling for D should stop with him.

Once again you are deciding to make a major medical decision without my consent – frustrating the directive of the court and wasting my time throughout the summer trying to work with you and within your insurance network. 

The one who will continue to suffer is D 

So yes, Asshole. I agree, I too am “So Frustrated.” 

 

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15 Oct 2013
3 Comments

Hangman

First of all, thank you all for the positive thoughts this morning!

At the beginning of this mess with X, 3 years ago, I read as much as I could to A. Try to understand what I was dealing with and B. To learn HOW to deal with him without going crazy. 

A. My ex husband has behaviors similar to that of someone with a narcissistic personality disorder. 

B. You can’t deal with him. Your best bet is to get as far away as possible. 

During this time I felt very defeated. I couldn’t get away from him, I had kids with him. However, I got two pieces of advice that have proven to be extremely useful. 

1. Give him enough rope, he’ll hang himself.

2. The more professionals you can put between yourself and him, the better. 

Today in court, both of those things happened. The judge we saw was really just supposed to determine if the kids would be speaking in court or not, as X had put them on a witness list. My lawyer said that they were both heavily influenced by dad and that there would be a lot of pressure on them. X said that’s not true because he doesn’t even get to see his younger son. He went on to talk and talk and talk. He talked about how its “A’s preference to have his residence be with me. He doesn’t want a schedule change.” I said that I was asking for more time during the week. I’ve been missing all of A’s school stuff. I was going to ask for a week on and a week off.” The judge asked X, “So why would a week on week off schedule not work?” X said, “A doesn’t want a schedule change.” The judge asked where we lived, where A went to school, if he was in after school activities. Then he asked X again, “Why wouldn’t a 50/50 split work?” And X said again, “A doesn’t want a schedule change. He wants me to be his primary residence.” 

Then motion to enforce came up. My lawyer said that she’d submitted a motion to consolidate that with ALL the other stuff in question. The judge said that it was abundantly clear that a consolidation would be for the best. X did not like this. He started whining about how its been “Four months since his filed this motion! He shouldn’t have to wait another 2-3 months for a resolution!” The judge got pissy “I AM WELL AWARE OF HOW THIS WORKS” he said. He went on to explain to X that, “you went to law school, you know how this works. The burden of proof is on you, you’ll have to prove that she is willfully violating the order and has reasonable ability to be following the order. THEN she well have a chance to respond, and explain WHY it is that she’s not following the order. THEN its the courts job to be wise, compassionate, and work for the best interest of the children. If, and I’m not saying this is you (he was speaking to X still) if a kid comes in here and tells me that daddy is  a drunk and smacks him around and he won’t go back, then I’m not going to enforce the order that says he has to go.” Then he said to X, “So if D comes in here and tells me that he doesn’t want to go to your house and see you, then its likely that I won’t make him. I’m sure that’s hard for you to hear, but that’s how it is. It seems that the kids coming to court is likely not going to work out very good for him (he points to X) and probably better for you” (he looked at me and my lawyer). X said, “well if that’s what D says, then that’s fine.”

We’d been in front of him for what seemed like forever when he said “We’ve been at this for 10 minutes now, and I’ve really been trying to get some thing, anything resolved, and we’re getting NOWHERE. At all. So, I see no way that we’ll be able to resolve the issue of enforcement in the hour that’s scheduled.” X continued to argue about this. The judge then asked him, “How long do you think it would take you to present your whole side of this enforcement issue? You’d only have 30 minutes.” X replied “20 minutes.” The judge was exhausted, and leaned back in his chair. He asked my lawyer, “How long would it take you to present your side of things?” She replied “At least 2 hours.” The judge said he was going to try to find the motion to consolidate that our lawyer had submitted (it was not in our file) and he’d make a decision by the end of the day. But, not to be deterred, X kept talking. He kept standing and saying “one last thing.” “just one more issue.” My lawyer and I were quiet. The judge kept saying he had other cases to hear, he didn’t have time to get into all of this.

So, while it appears that the kids will have to go to court with us, and give their two cents, it does sound like what they say will be taken seriously – so that’s good. 

It’s also good that the judge we saw today will be the same judge we have for our trial. X did not score any points with him today. The bad news, however, is that there are only 4-5 available dates in November and 4-5 dates available in December. It’s likely that we won’t be heard until January. 

Just have to keep reminding myself, this won’t last forever. 

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15 Oct 2013
4 Comments

Here we go.

I have a hearing this morning at 8:15. My lawyer and I will go in front of a judge and talk about how I don’t think the kids should have to be part of x’s ‘witness list’. X will talk about the kids having a ‘voice’ and a ‘say’ in this matter. He’ll suggest I’m selfish for not wanting them there.
I’m worried far more about his brainwashing of them in the weeks leading up to the trial then I am about what they’d actually say if a judge does actually think they should be heard.
Fingers crossed that this goes quickly and smoothly. I’m holding out hope that common sense has a place in our family courts.

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09 Oct 2013
4 Comments

Sad

I woke up feeling very sad this morning. I miss A. I’ve been missing him for a while now. A lot. I was a pregnant teenager who knew nothing about kids. He changed my life. I am sad that this is what his childhood has become. I feel like I’m losing my little boy and it hurts. A lot.

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08 Oct 2013
8 Comments

Vomit.

Our hearing was postponed. We have not gotten a new date yet. We do know that it won’t be in October. 

Back in June when we went to court the last time, X filed a motion to enforce the old order that he had ignored for the whole previous year. He wants D 50% of the time. At that time, he also filed a motion to modify (which I’d already filed, duh) requesting that he be the primary residential parent and that I should pay him child support for A.

My lawyer and the magistrate suggested that all these issues be heard at once, during the hearing that was to be scheduled from my original modification. He agreed to have his request for modification to be heard then, but the motion to enforce, he said no to. So, while everything else was being piled together, this motion to enforce is on a track of its own.

I heard last week that we’ve been scheduled for mediation regarding this motion to enforce on October 29th. We also have been scheduled for a one hour hearing on Nov. 5th. My lawyer requested from X that we consolidate this issue with all the others. He said, “No. D and I should not have to wait any longer for a resolution.” Vomit. My lawyer will file a request to consolidate anyway.

X has been emailing me this week, his typical narcissistic, gas lighting, crazy making bullshit. Then he emailed my lawyer. Saying he ‘thoroughly’ addressed all my concerns (‘D needs clothes at your house’ does NOT mean 2 tshirts and a pair of shorts!) and he has NO idea why on earth I am denying him access to his son! I’ll say it again. Vomit. 

We already owe my lawyer $1500.00 It’ll be another 2k for the hearing, whenever that may be. And now we have to add in her services for mediation and an enforcement hearing. Along with these whiny, bitching emails. Seriously. This is fucking ridiculous. 

Yes, yes, we are asking that at least a portion of our legal fees be allocated to X because of how much of her time and effort he is requiring above and beyond a normal “modification”. But, what does that really mean? Nothing. 

D called me at work yesterday afternoon.
He said, “sooo, dad just called. He was all ‘when are you coming over?’ ‘don’t you want to come over?’ ‘when do you think you should come over?’ ugh! I said ‘i don’t know. i don’t know. i don’t know.’ Then dad said, ‘well i don’t know isn’t an answer. I need an answer.’ and i mumbled a bunch but didn’t say anything.”
I said, “Oh my, ok well…I’m sorry about all that.”
His answer was, “Yeah, well, he said i’m supposed to call him back but i’m really not going to, so i’m just going to turn the ringer off on the phone now.”
I said that was ok, and thanks for letting me know.
He said, “Okloveyoubye!” and hung up. 

Later that evening I told him that dad was telling me that D has been asking to spend time with him, specifically during the week. (This is what he put in an email to my lawyer). I said it was OK if that’s what D wanted, but reminded him that he can’t be telling dad something different than what he’s telling me. D got angry, “I did NOT say that! When dad says stuff like that, you need to check with me, ok?” I told him that’s what I was doing. He said “No. I didn’t say that!” 

I don’t want to worry him about upcoming enforcement hearing and crap. But I did want to let him know that it was likely a judge was going to, at some point, say that D needs to visit dad more than he’s visiting right now. I asked if he wanted that time to be with A there or not. He said he preferred A not to be there. I asked why not. Apparently A and X fight over chores. A doesn’t do them right so X hollers at him. A hollers back. X swears and shouts. A swears and shouts. D says this makes him put his head down and just try to focus on his video games and wait for it to be over. He’d rather not go to dads when A is there and they’re likely to fight. 

I asked what happens to the laundry and dishes when A isn’t there? Do they just pile up and wait for A to come back? D said he didn’t know. “I do know that I’ve never seen dad pick up any of his own crap.” He speculates that the work gets done between A and the GF.

This makes me want to vomit. 

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07 Oct 2013
3 Comments

Assholery

According to the gf’s facebook page her and X were out and about drinking, having chinese food on Friday, then brunch, and being ‘touristy’ on Saturday. This explains why he never bothered to respond to me about if he wanted D this weekend or not, despite me asking twice. 

Just as well, D didn’t want to go and said he was going to “start thinking of plausible excuses as to why I wouldn’t be able to go.” Luckily, his dad did that for him. 

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04 Oct 2013
6 Comments

More of the same…

This morning I sent: 

Will you be picking D up at home at 9:45 on Saturday? Also, I’d like an update on progress you’ve made in finding a counselor for A.

And in return I got:

As I said before regarding A and his counselor – I gave you names and then free reign to select whomever you wanted.  I have been waiting for you to select one which you have not done or at least you have not informed me of any such selection.

I have yet to speak with D regarding this weekend, and had I had earlier notice or even better a reasonable set schedule of visitation for my son everyone would be on the same page.   I have tried to call the last two nights but no one answered… I will try again this evening.

I have also not heard back from you regarding a scheduled appointment for D to get his braces.  It has been a month.  Should I need to go through the Court to make this happen I will do so.  D should not have to wait any longer to recieve proper dental care, care that is long overdue.

As I mentioned to your attorney, I am seriously considering asking the court to appoint a GAL for each of the boys and am currently investigating options in that regard.  Of course that will depend on how things progress in the very near future.  I also understand that this will be a significant monetary burden on both of us and from what I have gathered so far will probably extend greatly the amount of time that this court process ultimately takes.  However, given your reluctance to work with me on a reasonable schedule for D and your insistence that I only be allowed to see my son every other weekend, at this time I see no other solution to ensure that the boys interests are met and their voices are heard.

As always I remain open to valid and reasonable suggestions in regards to working out our differences in regards to what is in the boys best interests.

 

Whatever loser. I’m going to go watch my son play football tonight. You and your bullshit issues are the furthest things from my mind. 

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01 Oct 2013
3 Comments

Finally, a little bit of good news

It’s not often these days that I feel a sense of relief. I worry constantly about my kids. That never seems to go away.

Today we saw the sports injury specialist to find out what’s wrong with A’s ankle. I was very nervous about what could possibly be wrong with it. 

Turns out A has an extra bone in his foot, as pictured here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Os_trigonum_1.jpg 

When his foot was extended during a tackle and other players landed on it, that extra bone hit his tibia, causing a bone bruise. 

The Dr. said, “Tape it, brace it, tape it again…the less it moves, the better, but you are cleared to practice this week and to play on Friday.” 

I don’t know if I’ve ever seen A so happy.

Phew! What a relief! 

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