Looking Forward

Making a better life for me and my kids

Archive for the month “August, 2013”

29 Aug 2013
12 Comments

He’s still the worst.

I had a meeting with my lawyer today. In preparation for our upcoming hearing, we got really clear on what we wanted to ask for. She emailed X to see if she could get him to agree to anything.

Stacey and I met this morning to discuss the upcoming hearing.  

Stacey will agree to share residence of A, but believes a one week on/ one week off schedule would work better.  This schedule will be least disruptive to school and allows both of you to enjoy weekend time with A.  This schedule could continue throughout the summer as well.  During the school year, the exchange time would be after school on Fridays.  In the summer, the exchange time could be Fridays at 5 pm.

With respect to D, Stacey proposes that he visit with you every other weekend (Friday after school until Sunday at 5 pm) with the understanding that changes can be made at D’s request.  Stacey agrees to pick up and drop off  the children 100% of the time so long as you reside in the area.    

I suggest adding specificity to the current holiday schedule.  For example, which parent has the children in even and odd numbered years for each major holiday.

Please let me know your thoughts regarding the above.  If an agreement can be reached regarding some of the issues, we will need less court time for the hearing.

Additionally, I will need a copy of your updated Child Support Affidavit with current pay stub.  I would also like to know your thoughts about D continuing medication for his ADHD diagnosis.

I look forward to hearing from you.

 

__________________________________
If this email had been from me, he’d have taken his sweet time in responding. Perhaps not responding at all. But, since it came from our lawyer, he was quick to throw together a response.
__________________________________

 

Thank you for getting back to me.

I cannot agree to the proposed schedule for A.  As discussed before, A wants his primary residency to be with me and has on a numerous occassions expressed his desire to spend even more time with me.  I want A’s primary residence to be with me.  At the same time I recognize that it is important to have him spend time with his mother which is why I continue to encourage him to spend time with his mother on the days he is currently scheduled with her.  We have worked on adjusting to the current schedule for the last three months and there have been no significant issues with him being with me during this time.  I do not feel that the current schedule would be disruptive to him at all and I have not been previously presented with any issues related to this schedule by Stacey   

I must also disagree with the proposed schedule for D.  *****D has requested that he be with me from Wednesday until Saturday morning – this is what Stacey has been alluding to all summer long.  This schedule would allow him to have shared time with his brother at both houses, as he explained to me this was a primary concern of his mother and he felt it should be taken into account.  I feel I have accomplished this in the proposed schedule I sent to her.  I additionally have taken into account his anticipated weekly extracurriculars in my proposal.  Every other weekend visitation with D is simply not enough time with my son and something that I do not agree with.  I would also say that D is the type of child that needs a set schedule and feels most comfortable when one is in place and so I would also be less open to changing it in the future because that would be, in my opinion, even more disruptive to him.  To me it is important to get the him on a stable schedule as soon as possible. 

The current pick up and drop off in place for A is quite convenient in my opinion, certainly for the academic school year.  The same should follow for D given that he is dropped off at school by her, as is customary, and then I pick him up at the end of the day or he takes the bus.  There is no need for her to be responsible for 100% of transportation as we both live in the (same) city.  The proposed schedule I sent to her for D also allows me to be a part of his weekly academics and to help him with homework when he needs it – the same goes for A.  It gives the children the opportunity to have time together and exclusively with each parent.  That same schedule allows for me to see the children on a weekly basis which I believe is best for them and certinly one that I support. 

I am really not trying to be difficult here, but the schedules I have asked for are primarily based on the wants, needs and requests of my children and myself and are not unreasonable.  I suggested that we finalize the schedule with A in an effort to avoid him having to go through the court process.  Forcing him to do so, in my opinion, will only add stress and heartbreak by putting him in a position to express his preference.  I would say the same thing for D as well, who is to a large extent even more fragile than his older brother.  This seems to be a fair compromise and I would ask that she reconsider or at the very least work towards a schedule that gives each of us a split of time that is closer to 50/50 each week.

As far as looking forward to the holidays is concerned, I am open to a fair split of major holidays that alternates each year – odd and even certainly seems like a good idea and an idea that we have discussed in the past.  I look forward to seeing a proposal and anticipate this being an easy fix.

I will send along an updated Child Support Afidavit and current pay stub as soon as I get a chance. 

As far as D and his medication goes for his purported diagosis for ADHD all I can say is that I am still going over the medical records and after having spoken with a number of those involved my concerns have not diminished regarding a possible misdiagnosis.  However, I have no intention of encouraging him to stop taking what he has been prescribed and would make sure that when he is with me he continues to take his current medication until such time as his doctor says otherwise. 

I really feel that there is room to work towards a compromise that will last, that works for all involved here, and most importantly best serves my children’s needs.   If there is something that you asked and I have not addressed please let me know. 

I look forward to hearing from you on these matters 

 

Yeah. He’s the worst. 

*****Here is the original email he sent me detailing his master plan of a schedule:
After speaking with D last night about his preferences regarding spending time with me during the upcoming school year he expressed his desire to stay with me from Wednesday until Saturday morning prior to his diving lessons – starting next week (Sept. 4). I am agreeable to this schedule, as are both of the boys, and would suggest that moving forward D would be with me from 8am on Wednesday morning of each week until 8am on Saturday morning. Because D had some reservations relating to your preferences, in particular that he have time with his brother, this schedule would provide both children with a set day together with me (Wednesday) and a set day together with you (Saturday). Additionally both children would have exclusive time with each of us under this schedule. You would be responsible for drop off of D on Wednesday to the school and I would pick him up after school and then be responsible for dropping him off at the Irving station on Saturday morning at 8am. You have expressed in the past that visitation with me in your opinion is dependent on D’s willingness to see me. D has clearly expressed his desire to do so and I see no reason why we would be unable to move forward with this proposed schedule. I also spoke with (therapist) who was in agreement that D should be afforded some time with me that is exclusive and you may speak with him if you have questions about his position. If you have any concerns regarding this visitation schedule happening you may email me to discuss them, if I do not hear back from you this week me and D will plan on the implementation of this schedule.

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22 Aug 2013
8 Comments

Light at the end of the tunnel

X emailed my lawyer yesterday. He cc’d me. How  thoughtful of him. 

A has been with me the majority of each week for almost three months now.  I think it is more than safe to say that this is working out just fine for him.  The current/present schedule works for him and I am more than happy to have him stay with me in the continued arrangement. 

I think it would be in A’s best interests to change his residency formally at this time and thus avoid him having to actually make and explain his choice/preference in front of his parents, strangers and a Judge.  If there are no other issues with A and his residency being changed to me I suggest we take the appropriate steps to inform the court of our consensus.

It’s clear to me that he doesn’t think the court is going to look at his ‘parenting’. He doesn’t think that his inability to communicate with me is going to play any role in what comes next. He thinks he can get A to be his little mouthpiece and then he’ll get whatever he wants. He was ordered to take the same parenting class I took. He still hasn’t done that. 

From all the stories I’ve read all over the internet of situations like mine, I’d be a fool to get my hopes up and to think, even for a moment, that logic and reasoning will play a part in giving my kids a life that will do the least amount of damage. 

My lawyer responded and said that she and I have a meeting next week and we will discuss his request at that time. 

I am trying to prepare for the worst possible outcome and I am nervous. So very nervous. I am also trying to balance positiveness and calm along with being realistic. Its making my brain hurt. The news we could get heard in September rather than January is like a light at the end of the  tunnel. But still, I just want it to be over with already.  Is that really so much to ask?

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19 Aug 2013
5 Comments

Update

A quick update….

D was angry with me setting computer limits so he asked to go to dads last week. I said he could go, though I didn’t want to. He was gone from Monday night until Thursday morning. It was rough. I emailed X on Monday night, asking for a confirmation of when he’d be returning D. And of course, X never bothered to email or contact me. Once D was returned home, X did send me an email:

“You had confirmation as you stood by next to D while he called me twice – if you do not remember him discussing it with you while on the phone with me I am sure he can refresh your memory.  You were well aware of the times and insinuating otherwise is just a fabrication on your part.  My number continues to be blocked on your phone, as it has been for almost two years now.  You are not being honest when you say that it has never been blocked and the implication that I am lying and have been all along is quite objectionable and once again is an example of your attempt to mislead.  I again reiterate that I continue to be blocked from sending messages to your phone and have been for almost two years and that you were aware of when D would be with me and when he would be returned.  
Again with the communication piece, I am glad D called me so that he could visit.  It seems the only times he is able to visit are those when he and I make contact without you as the go between.  I look forward to him spending more time with me.”

In case anyone was wonder, he is still nuts. 

When D came back he reported “I survived!” He also said it made him uncomfortable that dad had a lot of empty beer bottles in the back of his car, and that he smokes. In house. And in the car. He was smoking in the car when he picked D up.  

D also reported that he still doesn’t have a bed at dads. Or a toothbrush, clothes, or pajamas. But! Dad does let him stay up until midnight playing xbox! D reported that he stayed up a lot longer than that because dad snores really loud, and its gross. 

Luckily he has counseling this week. 

My lawyer informed me on Friday that the court has sent her a letter saying our trial will likely take place in September. This is great news. We were originally told we’d likely not have a trial until January of 2014. 

Otherwise, the summer is winding down nicely. The kids are ok. I’m ok. I really can’t ask for much more than that. 

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13 Aug 2013
3 Comments

I didn’t know it was abuse

I did a guest blog over at Deliberate Donkey today. You all should go over there and check it out. Check out all of the other writing that Melanie does too. She’s a super talented lady…for sure!

lookingforward2012's avatarDeliberate Donkey

I didn’t know it was abuse.

I thought when he left bruises on their bottoms it was just an accident. I’m sure he didn’t mean to hurt them.

Owies and bruises and bumps because they hurt themselves in his care didn’t mean that he wasn’t watching them. Kids are clumsy and hard to keep an eye on.

Favoring one child over the other. We all do that a little, don’t we?

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Posted in abuse, crazy making, Divorce, kids, long distance parenting, parenting
08 Aug 2013
6 Comments

Pathetic existence

X did not sit for the bar. He was on the list. He paid the $450.00. He just didn’t bother to take the test. My lawyer thinks its because he doesn’t want to have the earning potential of a lawyer before our trial (he thinks he’ll pass). 

The rules are that the $450.00 fee is not refundable. They will hold it for 4 test cycles. If he wants to use it he’ll have to pay a $100.00 administrative fee. 

I’m not sure if I mentioned this before, but we found out that X has a job now. He got the job back that he had before he left for law school. 

It must be so frustrating to have such a pathetic existence. 

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08 Aug 2013
2 Comments

HELOC

He is financially self destructing. Is it because he believes that it’ll all just magically work out? Is he trying to ruin my finances? Is he just blind to how his actions are effecting his financial future? I’m sure its partly all of these things…

The divorce decree says that the house and all debts associated with it are his. It also says that the HELOC will need to be refinanced by him.

Yes. I know.

I should have included an end date. I should have insisted that it be refinanced prior to the divorce. I didn’t know any better. 

In December of 2012 I noticed that the joint HELOC we have together still wasn’t being paid. I found this out when I attempted a mortgage application. I spoke to the bank and was advised that my best course of action would be to freeze that account. No more draws could be taken – only payments could be made. I wrote the letter they asked me to, I signed it, and went on about my life. 

I will periodically check on the HELOC to see if he’s paying or not. Since December, 2012 he had paid 3 times, totaling 300.00. When I checked the loan in July, I was amazed to see that he was somehow able to withdraw that 300.00. I immediately called the bank to find out what had happened. Why the freeze I’d put on the account didn’t seem to work. The call center said yes, the account is, indeed, frozen. They’ll look into it. I called them the next day and was told to go to a local branch, there was a form I’d need to fill out. 

When I arrived at the branch the woman I spoke to did some investigative work and found out that X had gone into the bank, asked to withdraw. The teller removed the freeze saying there weren’t any ‘notes’ to indicate why it was frozen, gave him the money, then replaced the freeze. Oh really?! You’re kidding…right? 

Noooo, she wasn’t kidding. She said the bank would replace the 300.00. She said the bank had been calling X, but he was not answering or returning calls. She apologized, then suggested I refinance the loan myself. I was angry. So. Angry. Its not mine, I told her. Besides that, he’s not paid since April, do you really think my credit is going to get me a 10k refinance loan? She said that she was sure, under the circumstances, the bank would work with me. I told her no, and I left. 

I wrote a letter to the bank President. I told him that his bank was allowing my abuser to continue to abuse me. I asked for them to work with X to refinance this loan. The bank President called me. He told me he couldn’t help me get off the loan. He told me he could put the 300 back into the account. He also told me that there was NEVER a freeze on the account in the first place. Liar. 

Two days ago I called the bank again. I wanted to talk about the possibility of me refinancing this loan. My credit is ruined. I can’t buy a house, or a car, or even get lower interest rates on my current credit cards that I pay on time, every time. I need to find a way to control this situation. 

I was referred to the person who gave X the money in the first place. She is the VP of customer service. She apologized profusely about the error. She asked me why I wanted to refinance. I told her I was tired of having him ruin my finances. She said that at this point the HELOC is in collections. He’s 90 days past due on payments. He’s not responding to the banks calls or letters.  If they don’t hear from him after a certain number of days, they will send him a letter of default. At that time, the only way to avoid foreclosure proceedings is to pay the loan in full. Otherwise, they will attempt to foreclose on the house. As far as my credit, she said that when I need to apply for credit to write a letter to the reporting agencies and tell them the divorce says this is his debt, that it was not my responsibility. That should help. Who knows if it will or not. 

 

 

 

 

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