Looking Forward

Making a better life for me and my kids

Archive for the month “July, 2013”

Baseball is over

A made the All Star baseball team. Not a difficult task considering there were only 9 kids to pick from. Either way, he was happy to play, and we were happy to support him.

His first game was on Saturday. He was the starting pitcher. Against the team from the town we used to live in. The team he could have played for if he’d wanted to. The team had gone undefeated in all of regular season. A’s team hadn’t won a single game. 

He fought hard, pitched 98 pitches in 4 innings. He only let up 2 runs. They ended up losing the game, but not because of A’s performance. 

The second game was Sunday. A came home from a friends house on Sunday morning, stripped down and I threw his uniform in the wash. He showered, changed, and I took him to his father’s new apartment. I told him he could either stop over and get his uniform before the 7pm game or I could bring it over and drop it off.

At 3:30 A texted me and asked me to bring his uniform to dad’s. I did. When A came to the car to get it he said, “Dad is coming to this game.” 

I said, “Good! I am too.”

A said, “No. You can’t.”

I said, “Yes, I can. I paid for All Stars, I’ve done everything for you to make baseball a thing you could do. I’m going.”

A shook his head, slammed the car door and went back inside.

I thought about not going. I was worried this would somehow be hard for A if we were both there. The stadium for these games is big. It’s not a crappy field roped off with snow fence. Its an actual stadium.  After much discussion, Husband and I decided we’d go. 

I asked D if he wanted to go. “No.” he said. I tried to sweeten the deal, “Dad’ll be there, you could hang with him.” D’s response was, “I have better things to do with my time.” 

Then we got this email from X.

A is with me today.  I am not okay with you anywhere near me and him while he is with me.  I would appreciate it if you respected that, as this is my time with him and not yours.  At this point I simply cannot trust that you will not cause trouble or friction that would ultimately lead to him feeling bad, sad, or being embarrassed.  If I have to I will seek any sort of available restraining order I need to protect his time with me from being disrupted by you.  FYI – he did not seem overly impressed that you were planning on being in attendance today regardless of whether you paid for the league or not.

Well, if we were on the fence at all about going before, we’re DEFINITELY going now! 

We arrived at 6:40 pm. His car wasn’t there. He wasn’t there. We sat. We waited. The National Anthem played. I was paranoid and worried. Everyone who walked by I was afraid it was him. Around 7:20 pm it became clear he wasn’t going to show up. 

A played second base. One throw to first ended up in the other teams dugout. He was shaking his arm. I’m guessing he didn’t ice it the night before. It was probably jello. 

He got two singles and scored twice. After his last at bat, we left. They lost, 4-7.

We checked our cellphone site. A called his dad at 9:07 when the game ended. Presumably to come get him. 

I’ve since texted A to apologize for suggesting that since I paid for All Stars that I should get to go. I told him that him not wanting me there hurt my feelings. I also told him I was very proud of him. I’m sure I won’t get a response, he is a teenage boy after all. 

I don’t see any benefit in responding

We were in Walmart. I asked D if he’d like to go visit his dad.

He said “Maybe.”

I said, “Do you want to call him? Or do you want him to call you?”

D quickly said, “I want him to call ME!” The last few times D has tried to call his dad, his dad has not answered. He has also not returned his calls. I said I’d email dad and let him know to call.

D said “I’m sure the moment he gets it, he’ll call me immediately!”  Poor kid.

So, I emailed X on Tuesday, as I also wanted to try to square away the back to school clothes shopping stress I’ve been having.

D said that he would like it if you called him. Please use the home phone number. 

Because you currently have A from Sunday afternoon until Thursday mornings, rather than me buying all his school clothes again this year, it would be better if you purchased his school clothes and things he’ll need while he is with you. I’ll do the same for his time with me. This way he won’t need to transport clothes and personal items between houses.

Also, since you’ve moved, I’d appreciate having your new address.

I heard nothing back and asked D on Tuesday evening if he’d heard from dad yet. He said, “No.”

Then this afternoon I got an email.

So am I to go through D now for scheduling?  This seems the opposite of what you have been advocating all along – that scheduling be done through you and not the children.  I have no problem doing this, but I am not going to set something up with him again only to have you once again tell me that you have made last minute plans for him.  Also, you told me you would get back to me about his availablity – that was over 2 weeks ago.  He wanted to visit and I wanted him to visit.  We have both been waiting on you.

(He put his address here)

Still no word from you on D’s appointment with (The Therapist).  At this late of a date I will assume that you will be taking him and that billing information will be passed along at that time.  I will call (The Therapist)  tomorrow for verification that he was present for the scheduled appointment.

And I responded….

If you’d rather contact me regarding scheduling for D, you can feel free to do so. In the past you’ve been adamant about wanting to make these plans with the kids without any input from me. Whatever way works better for you is fine with me, as long as beforehand I know the dates, times and locations of pick up and drop off. I need to know what you’re willing to do for transportation and what you’d like me to do for transportation. 

In regards to you wishing to have time with D and us already having made other plans, to combat this from happening in the future, I would suggest that you consider giving me at least a few hours notice that you’d like to see D. 24 hours would be better. This way I have time to let you know about any other plans already in place, there would be time to either change those plans, or for you to make an alternate arrangement. A set schedule that doesn’t include overnights at this time would be best in order to prevent things from being scheduled during your time with him, and to limit the amount of communication between us. If Wednesday’s don’t work for you, then it would be up to you to make an alternate suggestion.

His response seems like he’s forgotten how much he wants to see his son – so much – rather than just doing what he should do, giving me a date and time, and notice of more than an hour, he has to spend three paragraphs telling me I’m wrong.

You are incorrect.  I have never been adamant about scheduling anything with the kids exclusively – the plans we have for the time with me is for the most part none of your business.  Your perception of scheduling is yours alone and not one based in any fact whatsoever.  The fact that you read communications between the children and myself against our wishes and come to those conclusions on your own and prior to me sending you actual propsed plans is in my opinion the reason that you percieve this.  Again you are not at all correct in your statement that I have been adamant about excluding you from scheduling.

You are also not correct in implying that I did not give you adequate notice regarding my last attempted visit with D.  You had more than 24 hours notice and several options that could have worked had you taken the time to simply decide on a time for him to visit.  There is no combatting this from happening in the future if you would care to respond in a timely fashion to the numerous options given.  I have said it before and I will say it again, the children are free to stay with me any time they want – I will gladly take them.

I seriously have no idea what you are talking bout here with the scheduling proposal you just made.  I have no idea what logic you are using when you imply that an overnight might disturb things being scheduled during my time with him.  I want my son to spend as much time with me as possible and I want him for overnights – a set schedule that includes this will prevent you from scheduling anything during my time so feel free to tell me what days of the week you prefer.  This is my alternative suggestion – I want a regular time with my son at least 50% of the week until we go to court and have it finalized.  As far as pick up and drop off is concerned I have no problem with the same setup as we have with A.  However, I am not going to do any type of agreement with you about D unless it is in writing as you have not kept your word numerous times in the past.

 

I forwarded it to my lawyer and said “I will not be responding to this. If you feel differently, please let me know.”

To which she replied, ” I do not see any benefit to responding.”

We almost have a provider!

For the last few weeks I’ve felt disorganized. Disjointed. Lost. And, as always, Tired.

X continues to fight with me about choosing a provider so the kids can get into counseling. He threw 5 names at me, how he picked them, I have no idea. One of them, magically was on our provider list. And was a male. Yes! Him! I pick that dude! Good lord and sweet baby jesus, FINALLY! I know X didn’t realize this because after I agreed he said “I have no idea if he is even in your network.” Yeah, I know you don’t. You assumed none of these people were. And frankly, I think that was his only qualifying factor in choosing a provider.

Either way – X called him and talked about D. Said that D has some serious anger issues. Then, the therapist called me. We talked. He seemed very nice. He, however, would only want to see one of the boys, (just D) not both. Apparently X hadn’t even asked him if he’d see A. All the same, he believes unless he is doing family therapy, its better to just see one member of the family. This was fine with me. We talked about insurance, co-pays, X’s controlling, manipulative and angry behaviors.
He mentioned that X had said D has an anger issue.
I asked if X had mentioned that D has ADHD?
He had.
I said that once we addressed that issue, his anger has been much more controlled. He has a much improved attitude now. What I would like for D is for him to feel like he can be himself, no matter which parent he is with. I want him to be able to speak up for himself and not be afraid of making anyone mad.
I said X would be bringing D to his first appointment. He asked me if I was ok with that. I said if X needs to be first, best, in charge, or whatever it is that he gets out of this – that’s fine with me. I know your number, I can talk to you about D as I choose. He said Ok.

Phew! Done! I emailed X and said for him to make the appointment for D if he was planning on taking him to his first appointment. X replied “Have you worked out the billing issue?” How about you mind your own fucking business for once? How about you realize that I have done EVERYTHING for these kids at every single turn. Everything gets paid for. Everything gets scheduled. Everything happens BECAUSE OF ME. Yes. Jackass. Billing has been taken care of. I told him that he had until the end of the week in order to make the appointment and relay that information to me, or else I’d be happy to do it myself.

Anyone want to take bets that Friday rolls around and he still hasn’t done it? And I’ll have to call to do it myself? And he’ll have a fit of some sort, change his mind on the therapist and we’ll be back to square one?

Then I asked who A was going to see. X picked someone from the list he’d sent.
I said no. (It was a woman, and I think A would do better with a man – considering all the shit X talks about women and how they are all terrible and trying to trap men. And, she wasn’t on our provider list.)
X replied that he’d be calling her and seeing what her availability was for the next week.
I replied again and said that I did not agree to that provider for either child. I CC’d my lawyer so he could see. He then replied and asked me to give him some names that he hadn’t already said no to.

Yes of course. We’re all here to serve you after all.

The end of the world

Yesterday was the first baseball game I’d ever missed. I was talking to A about it online, he had a terrible sunburn from the previous day at the beach with no sunblock. I said I’d bring him something to drink when I saw him at the game. “I think dad is going to be at this one.” he said. I knew this was coming.
I’d read a an article that morning saying that in high conflict divorces, its ok to not be at the same events for the kids if there is so much tension that it’ll be hard for the kids. I don’t want anything to be harder for them then it already is.
“Would you rather I don’t come to this one?” I was holding back tears, sitting at my desk at work.
“Yeah” he said.
I said ok, that I’d miss seeing him play, I wished him good luck, and said if dad doesn’t stay to please let me know. He said he would.

All I could think about was last summer when X threw A into the middle of refusal to communicate with me. Holding a concert ticket over his head “you’ll find a way to get here if you really wanted to come” and “No, I am NOT going to talk to her!” Then A’s friend saying to me, in front of A “why doesn’t he just call you?” And A immediately snapped “BECAUSE HE HATES HER!” If he feels like he has to choose, the least I can do is to make sure that I’m not making him feel bad about not choosing me. He gets enough of that from his dad.

Turns out the sunburn prevented A from pitching or hitting very well. They lost by 20 points. I still would liked to have been there. But, like I said. I don’t want to make it harder than it already is. Plus, this is the ONE game X would have to take him to. The rest are on my time. We all know X won’t show up for those. The previous ones that were on X’s time, A stayed with me and asked me to take him. I guess one game isn’t the end of the world. But yesterday, it sort of felt like it.

Same old, same old.

He’s an ass. Its not new. 

D called his dad yesterday to see if he could go over and visit. X didn’t answer his phone. X never called D back. He was too busy with his new girlfriend and daughter having a bbq at the coast apparently. 

Like I said. He’s an ass. Its not new. 

Small Claims and Other Shit

Ah, such shit lately. Where to begin…

X served me papers in April for a small claims suit for $4300.00. I’ll take this moment to remind you all that he has paid ZERO dollars in child support over the last three years. 

We got a court date of July 1st, we hired a lawyer and off to court we went. X showed up wearing a black hooded sweatshirt and jeans. He hadn’t shaved in weeks. He looked like shit. 

During mediation he showed pictures declaring we had DESTROYED the place, and demanded repair costs and past rent monies. Our lawyer asked if he had anyone living there now. He said he did. My lawyer asked when that person moved in. “May 1st” X answered. Our lawyer did some quick math and said that his claim against me was now reduced to 1635.00, as he can’t charge me rent that he’s already receiving from someone else. X said “Ok, I guess so.”

Our lawyer also asked him about the past child support he was going to owe me. X said, “I’m not going to owe her anything. In fact, I have my oldest son the majority of the time now, she’s going to have to pay ME support.” This made me laugh a little. 

We had a side meeting and decided that we would offer X $500.00 to avoid a hearing. When our lawyer offered him this, he laughed at my lawyer. He laughed at me. He said, “I don’t think so! That’s not even CLOSE to what you owe me!” And off to a hearing we went. 

In front of the judge he was so disorganized. He was fumbling. He was confused. He had too much paper, and didn’t know what to do with the papers he did have. He talked too much. Before too long he had the judge sighing and frustrated. 

He stated we “trashed the place” and left all kind of things, like bikes, in the yard.
The judged asked him “Could they have been your children’s bikes?”
X answered, “they could have been, I don’t know.”
The judge said, “You don’t know if they were your own children’s bikes or not?”
He said, “No, I don’t.” 

X talked about how “lucky” he was to have a renter ready to move in as soon as I’d moved out. When asked why he didn’t have someone move right in, why wait until May?
He answered “I wanted to put down new flooring.”
My lawyer countered with, “You realize you have no claims against my client for flooring?”
X said, “I know. I was trying to keep the costs down for her.” 
When X was asked about the broken window, he was asked at what point he learned about it. He said he had no idea until he did the walk through after we left. Liar.

He said he had no idea there was mold in the house. There was a persistent mold problem since 2007. Well before he left the house. “I had no idea” he said. 

While I was a witness, X got to cross examine me. “You testified our divorce was contentious. Correct?”
I said, “yes.”
He said, “You filed for divorce May 2010. Is that correct?”
I said, “Yes.”
He said, and then I lived with you for three months after that before I left. Is that correct?”
I said, “Yes.”
He said, so why would I live with you and be nice to you if our divorce was so ‘contentious’ as you stated?”
I said, “Your motives are your own, I have no idea.”
Then the judge stepped in and told him that this was not the time to be rehashing old wounds. He needed to focus on his claim against me and my defense to it, nothing else. 

In regards to a hole we missed while patching the others, X cross examined my husband. We’d already taken responsibility for the hole in question. We were already prepared to pay for it to be fixed. However, that wasn’t enough for X. “Were you aware of the hole in the wall?” he asked Husband.
“From the pictures, yes, it appears that we missed one.”
X kept going, “Would you say it was a big hole?”
Husband said, “I’m not sure the size, I’d need to see the picture again.”
The judge interjected, “The bench already has a copy of this picture, is this really necessary?”
And with that, X sat back down. 

During our time on the stand, husband and I took responsibility for the broken window, for one door, door trim and a hole in the wall. These are things we intended to pay for, but instead of talking to us about it, rather X just sued us. In the end, those are things we had to pay for, totaling $274.00. 

X was not happy about this. At all. He was out the door and in the elevator very quickly.
Then he started feeling sad. He tried to contact A. “I miss you buddy.” But that didn’t get a response. So he called D. That’s right. D. At 7:15pm. Wanting him to come over. D said he didn’t want to, but maybe on Wednesday. They hashed out a plan for Noon until 8pm. I, like a normal person, expected an email from X confirming this. It was like pulling teeth, but I he did email me. One hour before he was to pick D up.

Once D was returned home, he said he’d had a good time. He said they played Black Ops zombies for 8 hours and made it to level 52. He said he’d had pizza for lunch, and the icecream he was eating was dinner.
D also said he’d like to back and do that again. Before I could email X and try to work out a plan, he emailed me.

The details of D’s pick up and drop off were emailed to you yesterday, and for the record you were already aware of the times and where it was to take place based on the discussion you had with D while I was on the phone with him at the time he decided he wanted to visit (7/1) – because he specifically asked you about it and relayed the message back to me as to what you said. Your emails suggests that you were not aware of dates and times and that is highly misleading – if in the future you would simply like a confirmation from me of information you already know I will be more than happy to send one along, but I do not appreciate the attempt to suggest otherwise. I would have been more than happy to attempt to work with you on a time he could visit with me, but each time I have attempted to discuss visitation with you, you have told me he does not want to visit – once again this was clearly not the case. I am really happy he had a great time and asked to do it again.
I was quite disturbed to see that D has a huge scar on his left cheek (with a smaller one above) – as this is the first time I have seen this and was not made aware of him being so injured, I wonder if you wouldn’t mind explaining to me what actually occurred, when it occurred, and who the doctor was that took care of his wounds – given the size of it I cannot imagine that it did not require a number of stitches at the emergency room.

As I previously stated in an email to you, I have already looked into this provider (__________) and had ruled him out. However, I may reconsider if my initial look at this provider was inaccurate. Please obtain the following – Education, type of psychological practice, number of years practicing, specialty areas, years of experience working specifically with children, what type of psychological method employed while working with children, and his availability for new clients. Please get a letter from his office verifying the information requested and send that to me, at which point I will be more than willing to take another look at him. I will be sending along a list of my choices for providers just as soon as I can.

A. Stop trying to justify your inability to NOT run messages through the kids. It’s wrong. Always. Wrong.
B. There were no ER visits or stitches that you’ve not been made aware of. D was playing with the dog. The dog was too rough. This happened in January. Odd you weren’t this shocked about it when you saw him in May.
C. Stop being a dick about the therapist. Seriously. Just cut it out. You know nothing. At all. Stop pretending you’re important and people care what you think. You’re not. And they don’t.

Perhaps if I could come up with a response that isn’t “FUCK YOU”, I’d respond.

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