Looking Forward

Making a better life for me and my kids

Archive for the month “June, 2013”

24 Jun 2013
10 Comments

Pissed on. Pissed off.

Warning. This post is gross. And humiliating. And there is a bunch of swearing. Just thought you should know before you start. 🙂 

We all know abuse is about power and control. Sometimes the quickest way to exert your control over someone is to degrade and humiliate them. 

I woke up at 4am on Saturday morning thinking the time X wanted to shower with me, and then pissed on me. I remembered thinking at the time “Can I really divorce someone for pissing on me in the shower? Is that really a reason?” Oh, if only I knew then what I knew now…YES!
And while that was really messed up, I realized that same thing happened multiple times, but for some reason I never saw the pattern. X was always very good at spacing out his bizarre behavior of urinating places he shouldn’t be, so it never looked like a pattern. 

While we were dating, he would come over to my parents house. Sometimes he’d sleep over. When we got ready to move out and into a different place, I was cleaning out my closet and found 4 2-liter soda bottles filled with urine. I guess during his time at my parents house, he couldn’t be bothered by going upstairs to the bathroom. That seemed odd. But, by then I was pregnant and had a lot bigger things on my mind than that. 

A few years into our marriage, we had moved. He wanted to shower together. While we’re in the shower, I was under the water, he was behind me. I looked down and saw that he was urinating. It was running down the drain In the shower. On my feet. “What are you doing?!” I hollered, trying to get away from it. “What?” he asked. “Why didn’t you get out and use the toilet?!” I said. He replied “For what?” I said, “If you needed to go to the bathroom you should have gotten out!” He just shrugged, got out of the shower and went to sulk. I finished my shower, washing my feet twice. 

A few years later we moved again. He wanted to shower together. This time it meant I was to shiver on the far end of the tub while he used up all the hot water. When I finally got under the water myself it happened again. This time I was facing him and he was urinating all over my shins and feet. My hair was full of shampoo, I couldn’t see, but I could feel it. “Seriously!? Are you pissing all over me?!” I hollered, trying to get the soap off my face so I could get out. “No.” he said. “Yes you did!” I argued, “I could feel it all over my legs!” He said “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” And he got out of the shower and went to sulk again. 

And about a year later we were at a hotel and it happened again. And again he denied that it happened. Seriously? Yeah. Seriously. There was no more showering together.

I feel badly for my husband now. I can’t bring myself to even consider showering with him. 

A few months later, he wanted head. As he ALWAYS wanted head. I often complied because it was easier then having sex. We were at the point in our relationship where he liked putting his hands on my neck while we had sex and choking me until I passed out. As I kept saying “NO! Stop! no!……” I thought about the kids and if he killed me I’d hope he at least dress me before someone found me. It wasn’t long before I stopped undressing for sex, just in case. I wondered if he’d call 911 or if he’d just go to sleep and wake up and pretend like he had no idea how it happened. Anyway, me doing what he wanted, this way he’d get what he wanted, (for someone else to get him off) and I could be left alone. However this time, instead of finishing with the normal result, he urinated in my mouth and on my face. I was humiliated. I didn’t say anything, I got up and went to the bathroom and brushed, flossed, mouth-washed 3 times. I felt sick. What was wrong with him? What was wrong with me? 

When I went back to the bedroom I said, “What was that about?” He played dumb, as usual. “What are you talking about?” I told him that I’d gotten a face and mouth full of piss and what the hell? Seriously? That is awful and terrible and humiliating and I was never ever going to do that again if that was what was going to happen.
He said “Really? I didn’t know. Why didn’t you say something? Are you sure?” I didn’t answer. I knew that there was no way he didn’t know the difference between and orgasm and pissing all over his wife. I just proceeded to tell him to get off the bed, I needed to change the sheets. They were soaked. He kept pretending nothing had happened.

This happened one other time. I made less of a stink the second time…there was no point. 

After that he he took to pissing in the shower in OUR bathroom. No one but him and I used that shower. I’d get up in the morning to shower and it was full of piss. He used it like a giant urinal. He’d never rinse it. He walked right by the toilet to use the shower to relieve himself. I’d ask him to stop. He’d deny doing it. He blamed the kids. He blamed the dog. He blamed the cat. He never cleaned it up. He never cleaned anything up. Over the course of the last 5 years he did it probably 15 times.
Sometimes I’d see urine in the kids bathtub, and on the edge of their tub. I knew it was him. There was no point in saying anything. A week before I said I wanted a divorce I got up to shower in the morning and he’d pissed all over the shower again. Not rinsed it down. Again. I lost it. I threw the bedroom door open and started screaming “HOW MANY MORE FUCKING TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO STOP PISSING IN THE FUCKING SHOWER?!” He just looked at me and calmly said, “I didn’t, and I’m a little tired of you always accusing me.” 

I wonder how long before he starts pissing on his new girlfriend. 

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18 Jun 2013
8 Comments

In a relationship

Facebook says X is “in a relationship” now. Her name is Nicole. She is divorced. She was married to my boss’s nephew. She has a daughter. She is apparently not bothered by X weighing over 300lbs. Or that he is unemployed. Or that he doesn’t pay child support. Or that he lives someone’s basement without enough room to house both of his children at the same time. 

She’s been warned by my boss about X. She was told about the time X came to my office screaming at me in front of everyone about what a whore I am. She’s been told about the lack of child support I receive and the lack of phone calls for birthdays, Christmas’s and the like. She won’t listen, because his “Friends” back up his story about how I’M the bad parent. How he is the victim. How I cheated on him with 100 men during the 13 years we were married. How I lined up a new life with my new husband for years before I ever asked for a divorce. How I’ve turned D against his father. How I refuse to cooperate and how I’m trying to take money from him when I have plenty. I’m sure she questioned him about it and I’m sure he tells her, he DID reach out to the kids when he should have, but it was me who was stopping the communication. I didn’t answer the phone. I wouldn’t let them talk. I told him to leave the boys alone, they have a new father now. Why wouldn’t he tell her that? He’s told his friends that. He’s told the kids that too. No one likes to pay attention to the order I fought to get that gave him HALF OF THE TIME WITH THE KIDS. 

Are the lies ever going to stop? How can this person have my kids’ best interest in mind if she doesn’t understand how he is using them as pawns to ‘win’ and to fuck with me? How can she be around my kids, thinking that their mother locks them out of the house and treats them like shit? 

I can see her page from my blogs facebook page, but no results show up at all for her when I search for her from my own page. I’m sure she’s blocked me. I don’t know why she would. Unless of course X told her that I’ve messed up every relationship he’s had since we got divorced, and that I’ll try to mess this one up too. I’m sure he told her to block me so that I can’t try to contact her and fill her with lies. I suppose when he shoves her into a wall for talking back maybe then she’ll learn. If that doesn’t work, then I’m sure the subtle comments about her every thought being wrong won’t work either. At least not at first. 

I just want the lies to stop. I just want people to be adults. Clearly, I want too much. 

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17 Jun 2013
17 Comments

Deadbeat Lazy Asshole

I agreed to let him have more time with A. I should have known better than to let it stop at that. I should have made the transportation responsibilities more solid. I was reeling. We arrived at court and my lawyer handed me papers saying that X was going to file to ask for primary residence for A, to make me the ‘visiting parent’ and that he wants child support from me. He’s also filing forms to enforce the order in place for D. He’s trying to take my kids from me. I had no time to process this before we were in the courtroom for our pretrial. As the hearing was happening, she whispered to me “Do you want to agree now to the Sunday to Thursday schedule?” My first reaction was “NO! I want the current Sunday – Wednesday enforced!” but then I thought, perhaps this will make me seem agreeable. Maybe this will benefit me in some way. Giving in a little…I should have known that means he’ll now be taking a mile. 

No word about transportation came up as our hearing ended. I should have been paying better attention. All I could think about was how he was trying to take my kids away from me, and wanting child support. And wanting to make me the visiting parent. And wanting to force D to spend time with him when he is clearly so uncomfortable doing so.

Once we were home I told husband that I was really disappointed in myself and in our lawyer. I shouldn’t have agreed to give him any more time. She should have told us when he served her those papers the week before about him trying to get primary residence and trying to enforce the order for D. She should have asked that the current order be enforced. She shouldn’t have asked me to give him more time. She should have realized that orders don’t mean shit to him. She should have realized that with the transportation piece left for us to “work out on our own” wasn’t going to work at all. Not for me anyway.

Wednesday rolled around last week and I talked to A on Facebook. I asked if he was getting off the bus at home on Thursday. He said no, he was going to stay until Friday, then go to a friends house. I ended the conversation. I rarely know what to do with dealing with A anymore about shit like this. 

I emailed X, but didn’t bring that up. All I can do is document it on my end. There is no point in arguing. I wanted to try to clear up the transportation issue for Thursdays. 

In regards to transportation for A over the summer, I can bring him to you at noon on Sundays if you can bring him home on Thursdays at 9am.
Please let me know if this doesn’t work for you.
Also, it has come to my attention that you plan on taking A to some concerts this summer. I’d like the dates of those so that I can know when you plan on keeping him beyond our agreed upon time, and if any of them will require him to miss any scheduled baseball games.
Finally, if you don’t agree to Dr. ______ for counseling for the boys, please free to contact me with your suggestion as soon as possible.
______________________________________

He waited 24 hours to respond.

I do not agree with Dr. _______, you are aware that I do not agree to Dr. ______ and I have explained why in past emails as well as before the Magistrate.  I am currently exploring other options in the area and am still waiting to hear back from Dr. _____ as well.  I will let you know when I find someone suitable.
The concert dates are June 21st and August 7th and as far as I understood you have known about them for some time now and that this is not a recent revelation.  I will also mention here that I was unaware of any additional time with me this week until A informed me that he had already discussed it with you.  I have no problem with him staying the extra time with me and told him that.
As far as transportation is concerned I think it might be best if the drop off is adjusted to reflect morning work schedules on Thursdays.  I am open to suggestions.

____________________________________

He knows I’ve known about concerts because this is the THRID time I’ve asked for specific dates. He doesn’t like talking to me, yet he always makes things so vague, so I have to ask what the fuck are you talking about? I know he’s leading up to him making ME take time off work, or leaving A with him all day Thursday, so he can get even more time in with him to warp his little brain. That’s not going to happen if I can help it. So, I’ll pretend ‘work schedule’ must refer to HIM and not me. 

You contacting me directly regarding A’s plans to stay with you beyond the court ordered time is your job. Not A’s. A is free to fill us in on his wishes, but its still your job to contact me with any changes that need to be made to the schedule.
Thank you for the concert dates. I was aware concerts were happening, but I wasn’t aware which ones he was going to.
I’m not sure what work schedule you’re referring to. If you’d like to drop him off on your way to work in the mornings on Thursdays that is fine with me. I can bring him to you on Sundays at noon, unless you’re working on Sundays and need him at a different time. Please let me know.

______________________________________

Sunday came and I assumed I’d be taking A to his dad. But no. Silly me. A said, “Dad is on his way to come get me.” Oh really? Well alright then.
Odd how he can’t just admit that he was wrong about not talking to me about keep A longer. Maybe making more excuses will help me understand why he’s not wrong, actually A and I are wrong! Go figure. 

Let’s be clear here – I had no idea about the change in schedule because you and him discussed it without my knowledge.  In which case it was your responsibility to notify me and not the other way around.  

I will pick him up on Sundays, you can drop him off on Thursdays.

_______________________________________

Ah, there it is. He wants me to miss time from work to go pick A up on Thursday mornings while he sits on his fat ass being a lazy deadbeat. Of course. I should have let the debate end about how he should have told me about the schedule change. But, I couldn’t. I know my lawyer sees this. I hope the judge will get to see it too. Let me tell you One More Fucking Time how you are an irresponsible asshole. 

While he is with you, it is your job to know what his schedule is. Whether or not he tries to change it with me, doesn’t absolve you from the responsibility you have to hold up your end of the court ordered agreement, which is to have him returned home by 9am on Thursdays, unless you hear otherwise from me. This is why I continue to insist that communication regarding the schedule for the boys be discussed between you and I. 
 
Since you are currently unemployed, I would ask that you bring A home on Thursday mornings so that I don’t have to take time off from my job to do the transportation. I am happy to bring him to you on Sundays in exchange. Or, if you’d rather, you can do both the pick up and drop off. If you are unavailable to bring him home on Thursdays, I can pick him up from you Wednesdays after work instead.
 
Please let me know what you’d like to do.

_____________________________________

Of course I already know what he’d like to do. He’d like to murder me. He’d like to set me on fire and watch me burn. He’d like to punish me for all my sins, mainly betraying him, and ruining his life with all my lies and deceit. 

But since he can’t do those things, being the coward that he is, instead he’ll use my kids as pawns in this bullshit game. He’ll try to make me miss time from my job (probably hoping I’ll get fired) and losing money so that I’ll be suffering financially. Luckily, my job affords me the ability to take whatever time off for whatever I need, whenever I need it. Especially when it has to do with having to deal with his insane bullshit. 

I should have known better in court. I should have made this more concrete. I shouldn’t have let my lawyer speak for me. I should have done it myself. Fifteen hundred dollars later, and what have I gotten? More screwed. That’s what. 

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12 Jun 2013

D turns 13

Today is D’s birthday. Today he is 13. Its 6:30 pm and his dad hasn’t called. Not a huge surprise since he didn’t call the last two birthday’s D has had. However, since D just spent some time with dad a few weeks ago, I think D was expecting at least a phone call. A card. Ten bucks. Something. Dad is around. He’s got A. He bitched and whined when D didn’t spend the night. But….I don’t know. I was trying to come up with an idea that could possibly justify missing his kids birthday, but I’m at a loss. If I were dead, then maybe I’d not have sent a card. Or, if I were being held captive in a Guatemalan prison, then I probably wouldn’t be able to call. Short of those two things, I really can’t imagine what possible excuse he’d have besides, “I forgot.” And considering the grade A, first class ass wipe that is D’s dad, this is probably the excuse. 

D is in a foul mood this afternoon. He says its because the kids at school were all singing happy birthday and writing it on the board. He says that made him uncomfortable. While that may be partially true, I think the fact that me, husband, A, grammy & grampy, and my brother and sister in law all recognized D’s birthday in some way – gifts, cards, money – there was a whole side of his family that is missing from D’s important day. There has been no word, or card or acknowledgement of any sort from his dad or his dad’s family. Nothing. I think this is more of a factor of D’s bad mood than the kids at school…but that’s just a guess. 

Husband and I got D a scooter, for when he’s out with us at A’s baseball games, and now that we live in town with sidewalks and paved roads – we thought it might be a fun thing to have. He thanked us for it. I told him he could have his gaming party any time he wanted (end of school birthday parties are impossible to schedule) and we had just gotten him the scooter so that he’d have a little something on his actual birthday – so he’d know we were thinking of him. He said “I know, you’re always thinking of me.” I’m glad he knows that. I picked up a package of beef jerky and a tin of altoids, and put them in a gift bag and said they were from A. As D was opening it he said, “I know you got this for me, not A…” until he saw the food, then he said “Oh, A DEFINITELY got this for me!” It was funny. 

I am sad that my kiddo is having a less than stellar birthday. I am sad that I can’t do anything to make it better. I’m also a little sad he’s growing up and is a teenager now. Where does the time go? 

Image

 

 

 

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06 Jun 2013
6 Comments

Highlights

Court today. Here are the highlights.

1. X served my lawyer with papers to modify A’s residency, asking for child support for A from me, and changing my rights of contact, and also a form to enforce the order where he gets D Sun-Wed. 

2. Neither form has yet been filed with the court. 

3. Our lawyer asked for a 2 day trial.

4. I agreed to letting A be with his dad from Sun noon – Thurs 9am. X then announced that if I agreed to that permanently, then that would take care of his need for the modification he plans to serve. My lawyer said it would be an interim order only. 

5. We are out of money with our lawyer. She believes 2500 would be how much she would need to get this done. This might be the deciding factor for us. We don’t have 2500. We don’t have any way to get 2500. Plus, there is no guarantee that will even be enough. 

6. Our trial likely won’t be scheduled until January, 2014. This is more than one year from my initial filing of the modification. 

7. X feels like he won today.

8. I noticed that X put on all the weight he’d lost. He’s easily 325 pounds. His suit didn’t fit him very well. He couldn’t seem to keep it buttoned. He wore white socks with his black suit. I kept thinking how he didn’t look “withered” as much as he looked swollen and angry. Like he might explode. 

9. He told my lawyer a few days ago, when he sent her those forms and asked her to look them over and make sure he didn’t miss anything, that he’s studying for the bar again. He’s on the applicant list to take it in July. 

10. A will be home tonight. Sullen, cranky, hiding in his room, asking for rides places, money, food he won’t be home to eat. Can’t wait. 

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05 Jun 2013
2 Comments

Woe is me

As much as I hate my ex husband, and as much as I hate this bullshit situation we’re in right now, I do realize that I am lucky. I have a job that pays for half of the bills. I have a wonderful husband who has a job that pays the other half of the bills. My kids are, overall, happy, healthy and ok. I have a place to live that I love. I have a car that is paid for. We have a fridge with food in it. My savings account only has 15 dollars in it – but hey, I have a savings account! 

Despite understanding how lucky I am, right now, in this moment, I am feeling irritated and frustrated. 

We gave our lawyer $1500.00 in February. Today I got a statement from her saying, not only have we some how used up that $1500.00, we actually OWE her an additional $75.00. This doesn’t include her presence at the status conference we have tomorrow at 9:30 am. 

Now. I know. I am very fortunate to have had the ability to give a lawyer any money at all. We scraped together what we could, and went to the bank for the rest. We were very lucky that with our super shitty credit scores, we were able to get a loan. For this I am grateful. However, I am feeling very frustrated. What did I get for my $1500.00? 

She wrote a letter to X telling him what my “Concerns” are when he pretended he didn’t have any idea.

She wrote a strongly worded letter to him about not keeping A longer than the order states. (He keeps A as long as he wants. Her threats of filing an injunction were apparently hollow.)

She received and printed and filed a zillion emails from X and I. She told me she needed to see all of them. 

She spent time talking to, in person and on the phone with X. 

She had 2 meetings with me and my husband. She and I also had two brief phone calls.

She filed a paper with the court requesting this status conference so she could ask for more than 2 hours for our trial. 

And now, here we are. We are no closer to a resolution with X. We still have to deal with his crazy on a daily / weekly basis. By asking for a longer trial, we are pushing the trial date even further out then we’d previously hoped. We are making loan payments to the bank on money that hasn’t gained us anything. We are out $1575.00, plus how ever much time the status conference takes tomorrow x 185.00 per hour. 

Sigh. 

Husband keeps telling me that this will pay off in court. When we are in front of a judge, that is when having this lawyer will suddenly be worth the money. We are in agreement that we mistakenly believed she could do things that we could not. Perhaps this was a $1500.00 mistake? 

Husband suggests we borrow money from my place of employment. I have no doubt they’d give it to me, with very lax repayment terms, and without much questioning. However. I am SICK of borrowing money. We cannot afford to take on another payment of any kind. Do I need to get a second job? Perhaps I should just give in? I suppose that would be easier if I had any idea what it is that X wants here…other than to make me suffer, make me worry, stress me out, make me feel incompetent, and defeated…probably nothing. 

Sure, we’ll ask for lawyer and court costs to be added into the mix of things we’re asking the court to award us…but what does that really get us? Right now – nothing. Long term – still probably nothing. 

Would it be crazy to say, thanks anyway lawyer lady – we’ll take it from here? 

Its hard to remember that I am lucky to be in this position.

 

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04 Jun 2013
5 Comments

It never ends

I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried. 

Once we finally agreed on a counselor for the kids, I called him myself to speak with him about the boys, and about how since X wasn’t allowing me to bring either child to any initial appointments, I wanted to know how he gathers information from both parent. We had a lengthy conversation and he was looking forward to X scheduling the appts for the boys. 

Once the appointments were scheduled X emailed me and told me I was to inform D that he would be picked up at school by his father for this appt. He also told me that if I cared to share my concerns with the doctor, that I should email the doctor directly. I didn’t get a chance to do it yesterday, and now it seems I won’t need to. 

I received and email from X this morning that talked about my bad parenting, but then said:
“I have received word from Dr. __________ that after he read my email detailing my concerns and after speaking with you that he feels the issues to complex and time consuming to be able to accept the children.  I will speak with the other Doctor that I emailed you about and see if she is able to see them.”

I can only imagine what kind of bullshit his email was full of. Probably 6-8 pages long detailing all the my inadequacies, and what a detrimental effect they’ve had on him and the kids. Shes a whore! She married a drunk! She locks the kids out and makes them cook their own meals! She REFUSES to let me see my son! Did I mention that she’s a whore!? (That’s my guess anyway – as that is what he sent to the court the first time I asked for a visitation modification.) 

I didn’t agree to the other provider, and told him so. Again. 

His response was:

“Dr. __________ has significant experience in dealing with the children and although not the top choice from the list you provided she seems to be the only qualified option left within the provider list you gave me.  Are you against having a female doctor see the boys?  If she is unacceptable I will need to expand my search to find another like qualified doctor.”

I sent it along to my lawyer and requested this be something we deal with during our status conference on Thursday. I sent X an updated provider list from the insurance website.

His answer, “At this point I have checked on the current list you have given me and there is only one that might work.  That is __________.  I am awaiting his return call.  If after speaking with him I feel he is a good fit for the needs of the boys I will let you know, otherwise I will be going with ________(the provider I have already said I do not agree to, TWICE)  whom is by far the most qualified of all those remaining on the list you gave me.”

Apparently, the part where we have to AGREE is only applicable to decisions that I make. 
Asshole.

Posted in abuse, co-parenting, crazy making, Divorce, parenting, reality and tagged , , , , ,
03 Jun 2013
7 Comments

Crazy is as Crazy emails

cra·zy  (krz)

adj. cra·zi·er, cra·zi·est

1. Affected with madness; insane.

 

From: Me
Sent: Friday, May 31, 2013 9:39 AM
To: Asshat
Subject: Scheduling

Good morning,

I attached a copy of A’s baseball schedule, so that you can be aware of the games you’ll need to transport him to and from.

We are taking a trip to NJ / PA June 27-30 with both of the boys. I have already talked to A about this, and he does want to go. He will need to be home by 8am Thursday, 6/27. Let me know if you’d like to drop him off, or if I should plan on picking him up.
We will be arriving home Sunday, after noon time. Please let me know if you’d like for us to drop him off with you once we return home (we are hoping by 4pm) or if you’d like to wait and pick him up on Monday once he’s up.

Also, A said you were taking him to some concerts this summer, if you can send along the dates for those, that’d be great. If they coincide with his baseball schedule and he won’t be attending a game, I’d like to know that ahead of time, also it would be good to know of your plan to keep him during any of my scheduled times.

Thanks,
Stacey

From: Asshat
To: Me  
Subject: RE: Scheduling 
Sent: Mon, Jun 3, 2013 2:09:51 AM 

I have serious concerns with you attempting to take the boys anywhere outside this state while so much remains in question in regards to the court situation.  I anticipate addressing this with the Judge in our next court appearance as well as seeking an injunction to prevent any such travel until we have a final order from the Court and resolution of the visitation and counseling issues are resolved.  

I am sitting here speaking with A, (Note the time this email was sent to me, 2:09am)  he clearly does not want to go on this trip with you guys and although he has not been to NJ he has no desire whatsoever to spend time with your new husband’s family.  He will be fine with me during this time and I will plan on him staying with me for the period in question.  It would be beneficial if you were to respect his wishes and not simply use his not wanting to go with you against him as it seems you have done on numerous occasions in the past – this includes not trying to persuade him otherwise.  

I would appreciate, and I am sure both of the boys will as well, if you would be honest in your depiction of the boys views and wishes in any future communication with me.    

As far as baseball schedules go I have no problem with transportation to and from games while with me and will expect that any time he has with me is spent with me exclusively.  

I would once again ask that D be allowed to visit with me from Sunday until Wednesday each week as was ordered by the Magistrate.
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