Looking Forward

Making a better life for me and my kids

Archive for the month “May, 2013”

29 May 2013
5 Comments

Silent Treatment

I’m not entirely sure where to begin. 

We made the mistake of thinking having a lawyer would some how help us mitigate the crazy that X likes to spew. Instead it just costs us more money when he sends all his crazy emails to her and she has to weigh in only to have him twist and ignore what she says. 

We realized that we were feeling so off balance all of last week was because we were responding to his emails. We typically do not respond to anything if we don’t absolutely have to. Again, we made the mistake of thinking that having a lawyer would some how keep us safe from his anger and bullshit. It did not. 

Back to our old ways of not responding. Not repeating ourselves. Not thinking our lawyer has super powers and can somehow deal with him better than we can. Things have been much quieter since. 

As far as the kids go….

D still doesn’t want to go with his dad. I’ve asked a few times, and D says no. 

I had picked up A from his friends house Sunday morning we spent the day with my mom and her siblings. We (A, husband and I) went out to lunch them, then to the cemetery to put flowers on my grandparents graves. A didn’t have to come along, but he wanted to. We got home and we all played a board game. We ate dinner. We played foosball. A got to drive my car, and my mom’s car. A hung out in his room, listened to music and sang along. Just like a normal weekend day.

A had stayed with X until Thursday, then spent Friday and Saturday at his friends house. He said that he’d be home Sunday and Monday with me. I said that was fine by me. When he contacted his dad about it, he was subtle in his disagreement. 

A

Hey can you pick me up at one tomorrow instead of today

Dad

huh?

whats up?

A

I stayed at reids all weekend so I’ll stay the night here tonight, and go with you tomorrow

Dad

alright, I was thinking that we could hit the movies today though…

You will prob need to take the bus home tomorrow if your thinking one is the pickup time

A

No school tomorrow

Dad

I wont have time to get groceries with you tomorrow either so you will need to give me an idea of what you want

??

thought mem day was next weekend

hmm

A

No its this weekend

Dad

gotcha… looks like it is bbq day for me then haha

A

But mayebe mom will let me go after supper

Dad

its your call not hers bud, if you want here today I will come get ya, period.

A

I’ll message you after supper I’m about to be out to eat with Grammy and then to the graveyard then well come home and we can talk then

Dad

alright, I am not sure when I will be back near the computer though so leave me a message and I will try to get back to you as soon as I can…

A

Ok well you should have your phone on you

Dad

yeah, but can you call me on it??

A

No but you can check fb messages

Dad

lol, have you seen my phone lately!!

bery optimistic of you

very

A

Haha ok Ttyl

Dad

k

love ya

_____________________________

Then around 3:30 it seems A decided it would just be easier to go back to dad’s rather than risk whatever kind of “punishment” dad had in mind for him. I told him whatever he wanted to do was ok with me.

A

Hey you can pick me up after supper probably around 630ish

_____________________________

But, by then, it was too late. A called dad’s phone 4 times from 6pm – 7pm and dad didn’t answer. He didn’t respond to the FB message sent at 3:30 either. Nothing. Silent treatment. 

I got a notification on my phone of a a facebook update. A had posted a picture of himself in his room, standing in front of his mirror with a half smile. The caption said ‘#happy’. It occurred to me how quiet A’s facebook is when he is with dad. No pictures. No status updates. But, he’s home for a few hours and he’s “Happy”? 

A asked me around 7pm if it would be ok if he drove to dad’s and got dropped off there. I told him that was ok with me. Then he said, “So I’m supposed to be home on Wednesday, right?”
I said, “That’s the plan, yeah”.
He asked, “Instead of getting off the bus at home, can I go to dads, then you can come get me there, so I can bring home all my stuff, rather than taking it all to school?”
I said, “Sure thing, I’ll text you when I’m out of work and we’ll figure out a time.”
All his stuff? I don’t know what that means, but I didn’t ask. The last few times he’s been home, he’s not brought anything with him.

When we got to dad’s place I expected not to see his car there. He’s not answering his phone, he must be out and about. But no. His car was there in the driveway. Asshole. 

A got out and started taking his bag out of the back seat. I came around to get in the drivers seat and told him I’d text him on Wednesday about picking him up. I said “I love you, and thanks again for coming with us today.” Rather than his normal grunt of acknowledging that someone is speaking to him, he said, “Yeah. it wasn’t too bad.” 

He went inside and I cried most of the drive home. I wish there was a way to save him from this. 

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , ,
24 May 2013
11 Comments

What is happening?!

    You can’t make this stuff up. It’s been such a long week. 

    Sent: Monday, May 20, 2013 9:48 AM
    From: Me
    To: Asshat
    Subject: Follow up
    In regards to your suggestion of using Dr. ________________ for a provider, I am in agreement with that and will call to make D an appointment as soon as possible.
    In regards to D’s teeth, again, please feel free to contact his dental office to find out more about the treatment plan we currently have in place for him.
    In regards to your request to extend your time with A to Thursdays at 8 am, I do not agree to that change.

     

    From: Asshat
    To: Me
    Sent: Monday, May 20, 2013 12:54 PM
    Subject: RE: Follow up

    1.  I want to be part of the process for scheduling for D and feel more discussion regarding this needs to take place as was suggested by your attorney.  In light of what I saw last night I have more concerns with what is going on with D beyond what I had originally thought.  If you would like to share what your concerns and issues are with D.  I will be more than happy to engage in a discussion with you regarding mine so that a clear picture can be presented to the psychologist.  Some initial ground rules that I will be insisting on are that D be allowed to enter into sessions without either of us present so that he may feel safe and comfortable in discussing with the doctor his thoughts and feelings.  I have been assured that our individual input can be ascertained prior to both children’s attendance so the doctor may gather important information in regards to his treatment.

    Again, I want to reiterate that I want an active role in D’s treatment and feel we need to discuss concerns and scheduling prior to enrollment.

    2. Is it my understanding that you acknowledge you have not scheduled any orthodontics appointments for D to get fitted for braces?  In addition you are saying that you prefer me to do the scheduling of dental appointments exclusively and without your input?

    I am not sure what dental “treatment” plan you have in place for the children.  Could you please explain what “treatment” plan you have decided on beyond the braces, as you have not informed me of any such plan nor kept me abreast of any such developments?  Does it fall under the same insurance coverage that is represented by the copies of the insurance cards you last emailed to me?

    I am asking for clarification regarding each of these points.

    3.  In regards to A’s time with me, just from an hourly standpoint the current schedule is just over 70 hours a week and to attain 50% of the time would require more.  I am not asking for a significant extension of my time with A, just that we tweek the schedule a bit to reflect A’s position and to move closer to a true 50% split.  Given that A’s preference is to go through Thursday and to have his residence with me it would make more sense to go with the Thursday AM end time.  Your concern, as previously expressed to me was that the change in residence could not be done by you and needed to come from the court.  Changing this schedule would help facilitate this in a much smoother manner for A when we go before the judge.
    Again, and because I have yet to hear from you yet on this – D stated he wanted to stay over the night tonight and that you would drop him off this evening with all of the things he needs for school tomorrow.  What time should I expect him?

     

    From: Me
    Sent: Monday, May 20, 2013 3:03 PM
    To: Asshat
    Subject: Re: Follow up

    I disagree about needing a discussion with you regarding the kids need for counseling. We both agree that they need to go. It would be in their best interest that appointments for them get scheduled as promptly as possible.
    Regarding orthodontics, I do not need you to schedule any appointments. You should contact the dentist to discuss any of the questions you have regarding the treatment plan that we are following.
    I am not comfortable making further changes in the schedule regarding A without input from a counselor and/or court involvement.
    D has asked me to tell you that he does not want to visit you today. He said that when he wants to again, he will let me know, and I can arrange it with you.

    From: Asshat
    To: Me
    Sent: Monday, May 20, 2013 5:50 PM
    Subject: RE: Follow up

    That is interesting that you thought my comments centered on the kids “need for counseling.”  Let me clarify, I was asking about working together regarding issues that should be the focus of the counseling and working together on setting up a schedule.  So am I correct in understanding that you want no part in working with me to develop a schedule for counseling with the children and you plan on moving forward without my input into schedules and goals?

    I spoke with ________ Dental Clinic regarding D’s dental treatment plan.  The office informed me that they mailed you a letter on April 1st, requesting that you choose an orthodontist so that the treatment plan in question could commence but have not heard anything back from you in almost 2 months and therefore the plan has been stalled awaiting your choice.  The lady there also informed me that they do not have current insurance information either and I am not allowed to access any of the specific records of the plan because I am not listed in their files – thus once again I have no access to any particulars of the plan or past treatment records for which you just today suggested I get from them.  So the question for you is, as I had asked in the previous email, what is the status of their insurance?  Also, since it has been two months without you moving forward with this “treatment” plan, maybe you could share with me why D has not had an appointment scheduled and let me know what I can do to make this happen in the next few days?

    I am documenting the fact that once D has returned to you after a visit in which he proclaimed his desire to visit with me this evening, he suddenly has changed his mind about visiting with me tonight just like he did last evening only after you spoke to him – and that you do not plan on encouraging him to visit with me but instead have left the so called “decision” up to him.  By the same rationale as you are invoking here, does your actions regarding visitation with D mean that it will be fine if A decides he does not want to return to visit with you I am free to allow him to stay here until he changes his mind?

     

    From: Me
    Sent: Tuesday, May 21, 2013 8:19 AM
    To: Asshat 
    Subject: Re: Follow up

    We have agreed that the kids need counseling. We have agreed to a counselor. I do not believe any further discussion between you and I is needed at this time regarding this topic. I believe it is more appropriate for us to share our concerns with the provider regarding the children, rather than with each other at this time.
    You called the wrong dentist. Due to the poor care that D was receiving at _______ dental clinic  we changed dentists. You were informed of this in the email I sent you dated 5/9/13. They are now patients at ____________ Dental. I suggested at that time that you call them to discuss any questions you had.
    No, it is not fine for you to keep A beyond the previously agreed upon schedule.

     

    From: Asshat
    To: Me
    Sent: Tuesday, May 21, 2013 12:03 PM
    Subject: RE: Follow up

    I had no idea that the children were receiving poor care at ______dental clinic – because you never discussed it with me prior to taking them nor moving them to a new doctor.  Please tell me what your concerns were with ________dental clinic I would like to know.  Once again, I have indulged the wild goose chase and called ___________ Dental only to find that they suggested to you on May 1st that he see an orthodontist – they have no idea who the orthodontist is, nor any treatment plan for braces, because you have not told them.  I don’t know how to be any clearer with my question – Who is the orthodontist that is going to handle D’s braces and when is he scheduled to have the work done?

    Regarding the counselor, it is fine if you do not wish to discuss your concerns with me.  As I mentioned before the possibility of passing concerns along to the psychiatrist prior to starting treatment was always an option.  Given the fact that your current concerns only seem to have manifested with you after I made it clear that I would no longer accept delays in their treatment it is not surprising that you do not want to share them with me.  I will reiterate that scheduling should be a joint effort here and if you are not willing to work together on this than I will continue with scheduling as the Magistrate concluded I could.  D will need to be available for me to take him to these appointments once I know the doctor’s availability.  Should I not hear back from you, I will give you at least a weeks notice regarding the schedule determined.

    A has informed me that he will be staying with me until at least Thursday.  Should he change his mind and want to stay longer I will let you know.  He is almost 16 now and he is quite capable of making his own decisions in this area – and is quite clear as to what he wants.

     

    From: Me
    Sent: Tuesday, May 21, 2013 1:45 PM
    To: Asshat
    Subject: Re: Follow up

    The dentist told me that he would not recommend putting braces on D’s teeth until A. All his cavities are filled (which ________ dental clinic never even informed us that he had any cavities or else they would have been filled much sooner, and perhaps some of them could have been prevented). B. D needs to be a more consistent better brusher. He has had 3 cavities filled, he is scheduled to have 2 more in June, then the final ones will be scheduled after that. Once all the cavities are filled, we will then make an appt. with Dr. _______ in _______. If you would like to help pay for any portion of the out of pocket expenses that are incurred with all these procedures, please feel free to help out in that way. Otherwise, you can continue to contact the dental office directly with any other questions or concerns that you may have.

    While we agree that the kids need counseling, and have agreed on a provider, we still do not agree on who should be responsible for scheduling and transportation. We can wait for a resolution to this issue when it is heard by the magistrate.

    As for A. Yes, he is almost 16, and he is capable of making a variety of decisions. However, as his parents, the agreement that we already have established needs to remain in effect.

    From: Asshat
    Sent: Tuesday, May 21, 2013 3:06 PM
    To: Me
    Subject: RE: Follow up

    The fact that he needs so many cavities filled is not preventing you from getting the ball moving in terms of scheduling appointments now for braces.  If you have a problem with doing this I will follow the directions of the office and schedule the appointments now.  I am not interested in waiting any longer for you to do this on your own time table as you have had three years to do it and have balked at every chance to do so.  It is only now that we are engaged in the legal process that things seem to be moving forward.  If _______ is the orthodontist I will call him tomorrow and schedule an appointment to start the process.  If you have an issue with transportation I have no problem doing it.  As for the payment of the medical costs, you assumed responsibility for them when you devised the particulars of the divorce.  Given my state of mind at that point, as you are and were well aware, I had no part other than agreeing to ALL of your divorce agreement demands at that point and I have no intention of changing the specific medical responsibilities that I agreed to in 2010.

    Additionally, I am not interested in what appears to me to be you stalling the counseling process any longer.  You wanted no part in dealing with this and left the process exclusively to me the last time we discussed this before the magistrate in February.  I have tried to work with you in good faith per one of your attorney’s suggestions, but at this point it just seems to be another instance of you attempting to sidetrack the process to the detriment of the children.  You have had three years to make this happen as I have continually asked, suggested, and pleaded that you get them the counseling they need.  I see no benefit to the children in waiting any longer.  I will be scheduling the initial appointments and will let you know when they are if you want me to.

    As far as I know A will be returning to you on Thursday after school, unless he changes his mind before that time.  It seems sad at this point that this is the situation, but I am having a hard time explaining to him why D whom we also had an agreement of shared 50/50 custody in place and which is currently not being honored, is allowed to get “his” supposed way with visitation and A, who is considerably older, is not.  I will attempt to insist that he at least spend part of the week with you, because I feel that is his best interest, but at this point I cannot guarantee what he will want to do.

     

    From:  Asshat
    To: Me
    Sent: Thursday, May 23, 2013 2:45 PM
    Subject: RE: Follow up

    I have spoken with Dr.______ (orthodontist) office and they had no idea who you were and had no record of any contact with you regarding D and setting up an appointment for him.  I have given them all of the information needed to get this moving for D.  Sept. 12 – 11:00 at Dr. ________ office.  The cost will be 150.00 total and your responsibility – no insurance is accepted for the first visit and he will need a special type of x-ray at this visit unless you have already had one taken.  They seemed unconcerned by the fact that D still had cavities that needed to be filled and regardless there is plenty of time between now and then to get it done based on what you told me.  There is the possibility of an earlier slot in the event that another patient cancels as well.

    I have also made the call to Dr. ________(pschiatrist) office and am currently just waiting to see which time will be available next week – either Wed or Thurs at 11 or 1 are the times I was given but I am not sure they are still the correct ones at this time.  If you have a preference to one or the other feel free to let me know.  I think it best to alternate the days so the boys are not going at the same time too, and welcome your input.

    If these appointments are an issue for you I can transport them for the above listed, you will just need to let me know ahead of time.

     

    From: Me
    Sent: Thursday, May 23, 2013 2:14 PM
    To: Asshat
    Subject: Re: Follow up

    Thank you for calling the psychologist. If you would like to make an appt for A with Dr. _______, you should feel free to do that for a time when you are able to transport him yourself. While you are at that appt you can speak to the provider about your concerns for both children.

    I will make an appt for D for next week around my work and his school schedule, and will speak to the doctor myself about my concerns for both children.

    Thank you for making the appt for D with the orthodontist.

     

    From: Asshat
    To: Me 
    Sent: Thursday, May 23, 2013 9:56 PM
    Subject: RE: Follow up

    Just so we are clear, I am not asking you to make any appointments for them.  You made it clear that you did not wish to do so anytime soon.  Additionally, you seem to have some notion that I am only responsible for A and you are only responsible for D.  You are incorrect if that is your assumption.  I will be part of both of their counseling and if you want input as to when they should be scheduled than I suggest you tell me, but I will be scheduling this initial appointment for them and will let you know when it is if you have no preference.  Working together for the best interests of both children is the goal here – and me being an active participant is also in their best interests.  I am no longer leaving this for you to handle because recent and past experience has left me not trusting you to follow through and for some reason there appears to me that you have ulterior motives beyond the best interests of the children – otherwise why would you go out of your way to continually attempt to make this process longer, deny me access to D based on false pretenses, and at the same time continue to suggest that I am in some way a danger to my own child.  If you wish to share your concerns with Dr.________ I am sure you may do so by requesting the proper paperwork from his office or by going there yourself and talking to him personally.

    Again the times available, as far as I know at this time, for the initial consultation with the children are Wed and Thurs with 2 slots each day – 11am and 1pm.  Please feel free to let me know if you have a preference for future scheduling times and I will convey them to the Doctor.  I will be picking A and D up from school and transporting him to and from this initial appointment.  We can work out a set schedule of who transports whom after the first one unless I do not hear back from you before then.

    Please feel free to explain again why the orthodontist appointment could not be made sooner?  If there is no legitimate reason, I will entertain any early appointment slots that might open up due to other patient cancellations and take him as soon as they can get him in.

    I will also convey to you that part of my brief time with D was spent discussing his new school and his transition there.  Just so you are aware, it has been very hard for him and it is apparent that he is still having lots of difficulty with his new surroundings, as should have been expected having transferred so late in the year.  I would like to know what specific steps you actually took to ensure that the new school staff was made aware of D’s needs and preferences as a student like you mentioned to me you were going to do when you told me you were moving him.  This information will be helpful prior to meeting with the educational staff that work with D.

     

    Re: Follow up
    From: Me
    To: Asshat
    Sent: Today

    I have called Dr. ________ office and asked for clarification regarding these initial appointments and how to best to facilitate them.

    If you have questions regarding D’s school performance and transition, please feel free to call the School and speak to them directly.

     

     

    Read more…

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , ,
21 May 2013
5 Comments

Dad rages.

Early my marriage to Husband, Husband lost his temper. D was slamming doors over and over and having a fit in his room. I was ignoring it and trying to talk to A about homework. Husband snapped and went down the hall and hollered at D “STOP BANGING THE DOOR!!” I took Husband upstairs to tell him that was NOT ok, that as long as D’s fit is in his room, we need to just let him do it…he’s not going to listen to hollering or threats about early bed times. While we were talking my cell phone rang, it was D calling from the home phone, he was crying and upset. He told me that he was scared, and Husband hollering reminded him of when dad was here. I relayed this information to Husband and he started to cry. He felt SO badly. We went downstairs to find D, after looking all over the house, we found him hiding under the bathroom sink. Once I convinced him to come out of the bathroom, Husband and he had a talk. Husband apologized. They shook hands. D came to me later and said that Husband had told him that real men apologize when they make a mistake. 

The way to work with D is in small increments. I might want to know EVERYTHING that happened during his visit with dad, but he’s not going to sit down and recap the entire adventure. I let him talk and recount what he’d like to share without any prompting. I ask questions about things that strike me as odd, like enough empty beer bottles laying around to make a 12 year old take notice. “Dad didn’t drink while you guys were there, did he?” D said, “No. Wouldn’t that be illegal?”

D kept saying he’d feel so bad, awful, horrible, if he had to tell dad he didn’t want to come visit the next day. “Dad is expecting me to come there and I don’t want to. But I can’t tell him. Can you just tell him that something has come up? He’s going to be really upset if I don’t come visit.”
I told him he didn’t have to tell dad anything. I’ll talk to him instead. 

When I told X that D did not want to come visit the next day – that he would tell me when he wanted to come again, and I’d coordinate with X,  X’s response was: “I am documenting the fact that once D has returned to you after a visit in which he proclaimed his desire to visit with me this evening, he suddenly has changed his mind about visiting with me tonight just like he did last evening only after you spoke to him – and that you do not plan on encouraging him to visit with me but instead have left the so called “decision” up to him.  By the same rationale as you are invoking here, does your actions regarding visitation with D mean that it will be fine if A decides he does not want to return to visit with you I am free to allow him to stay here until he changes his mind?”

When I got home last night I talked to D and asked him, “So, what is it about your time with dad this weekend made you feel like you couldn’t tell him that you didn’t want to spend the night?”

“Dad rages.” 

“Oh. I see. Yeah, I think that would make me pretty uncomfortable too.” 

I wondered where he learned that word.

Then this morning I asked if dad did anything specific that made D say he rages, or if its just that D can tell there’s something not quite right. D said, he can just tell, and that dad hollers a lot, over little stuff mostly. 

I told him I understood, and left it at that. 

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , ,
20 May 2013
5 Comments

Visit Update pt. 2

After D was safely home, showered, teeth brushed, in jammies and tucked into bed, I received this email from X with his version of events. 

1.  D wants to stay the night, and for some reason you don’t want him to?  I am confused.  I was under the assumption that him not staying the night was because he didn’t want to, but once he got here he was talking about staying over night pretty quickly.  Not sure where you got the notion of him not wanting to stay came from, but it is not the case now that he is with me.  He talked to me about staying longer next week as well which I am perfectly fine with.  I will just say this – I am at this point supposed to have them both 50% of the time based on the court’s decision and I want them that amount of time.  There doesn’t appear to be any legitimate reason on your part for denying them and me the right to our time together.  

For the record, I did not and have not entered into any agreement with you regarding D and visitation with me.  YOU allowed him to visit with me this evening which I had no control over.  YOU made it clear that he did not want to stay the night which was why he was not allowed to.  YOU are the one who called him back twice and convinced him to not stay and return home with you.  There is no breaking of any agreement here as you implied on the phone with me, there is simply you exerting undue control and influence over my son and interfering with my relationship and time with him.  

It is important for you to know that he became very sad and quiet when he learned that you did not want him staying the night – he didn’t know I was watching but it was very apparent, like he was worried about upsetting you – that is not right and no child of mine should be made to feel that he is not allowed to be with me.  You calling back and convincing him that he should go home this evening is not right either, it puts him in a very awkward position of having to choose.  Meeting him at school with a change of clothes and his books was not at all unreasonable, as you claimed on the phone with me this evening, given the circumstances; It certainly does not rise to the level of allowing them to just skip school because it was a half day or leaving them home alone for days at a time with no adult supervision while you left the state without them.  Again and back to the point – he should not be made to feel like he can’t stay here with me if you are going to be upset with him which is exactly what happened tonight.  

He wants to be here overnight tomorrow and said you told him that you would provide the transportation.  That is fine with me – again he is welcome to stay with me whenever he wants for as long as he wants.  In the future, given the total control you seem to have over him and his not wanting to make you upset, I would suggest that your communication with him be limited while he is with me as it clearly has had a detrimental effect on his time with me this evening.  

2.  I have looked at his teeth and they seem to be getting worse.  If it is easier for you to have me schedule the appointments and get the ball rolling I have no problem doing so.  If you have separate insurance to cover this I will be more than happy to once again work within your network.  Regardless, this needs to happen soon.  I gave you the green light to get him braces almost three years ago with whomever you found and you have not done so – I don’t care who does the work, but the child needs it done as soon as possible.    

3.  Roommate informed me that you tried to call and then called her, my phone was off and charging.  Your position in the past was a preference for strictly email which I am adhering to.  I will reiterate that the few times recently I have attempted to text or call you regarding the children, my attempts were blocked by your phone – including this evening.  I will also reiterate that my number is still blocked on A’s phone which limits my communication with him as well.  And for the record the online monitoring of communication between me and my son is in my opinion highly inappropriate.  I would remind you that I have a right to online privacy as well, and although I was aware of it in the past when you admitted hacking into my accounts, any further attempts to access and view my online emails, texts and such are highly inappropriate and come with consequences. 

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , ,
20 May 2013
6 Comments

D’s visit update

D had asked to see his Dad on Sunday. He said he wanted to come home after supper, and not spend the night. I emailed X and asked if he agreed to this, if he’d be able to get D home. He said, “Yes.” I should have known better. The last time D successfully stayed over night with his father was Summer, 2011. He was sent home early on Christmas, 2011. He hasn’t seen his dad since then. He hasn’t talked to dad on the phone since January 2013.

X emailed me and said he was having the kids at noon time. I emailed and texted him at 12:30 asking when he’d be coming to get them. 

Roommate came to get kids at 1:20.

D called at 3:30 asking to spend the night. When D got home he said he asked dad, “I’d like to spend the night, what can you do to make that happen?” According to D he was told, “Call your mother and ask her.”  I told D he didn’t have any of his things, and that I’d need an email from X, that would be the first step. I never heard from X about this. I also heard from D once he was home that he wanted to stay because he was having fun playing video games with dad, and that is all the did the whole time he was there. 

I emailed X at 7:15pm asking when he would be bringing D home. I didn’t get a response.

D called me at 8 asking if I could meet him in the school parking lot with his things in the morning.
I told him no, that we made a rule about not calling and asking for more time. He apologized and said he didn’t have a ride home. Roommate wouldn’t bring him that its too late. He asked if I could pick him up. I told D that if dad needs me to come get him I would, but we can’t pass this stuff through the kids, so dad needs to send me an email.

I emailed X. No response.

I called X. No response.

I texted X. No response.

I texted Roommate. No response.

I called A No response.

I called Roommate. No response.

I called A again. “Dads emailing you”, he said. I said I just called to talk to D. A said, “my phones almost dead.” I said ok, but I wanted to talk to D and dad wasn’t answering the phone.

When I talked to D he said he needed to get somewhere private. He said the dad was being very persistent about spending the night. I tried to talk to him about staying the night and getting him a change of clothes in the morning. Then A’s phone died. 

I tried calling X back. I left a voice mail saying that I wanted to talk to D before bedtime. It was after 8:30pm at this point, and if he was going to have D spend the night in his own clothes, and go to school like that in the morning, then I would just pick him up at school and bring him home for a shower and clean clothes. 

Then X called me. I thought it was D calling back, but it wasn’t, it was X. “D wants to spend the night. he’ll be dropped off at school in the morning at 7:30am.” I said no, it would actually be better that if he didn’t plan on bringing D home like we agreed, that he should bring him home, instead of the school in the morning, so he could change and shower and brush. 

Then X started screaming at me that I’ve made D feel terrible for wanting to sleep over. I control everything and D is afraid to tell me that he wants to stay over. And its horrible that I’d be making D late for school on Monday because I wanted him to come home first to get changed. I said “If you choose to keep D past the time we agreed to, there isn’t much I can do from here.” His response was “You’re goddamned right there isn’t ANYTHING you can do!” 

I pointed out that he didn’t have his clothes, his jammies, his toothbrush, that he wasn’t prepared to sleep over tonight, and X said that was because I didn’t bother to send any of his things with him. I said I didn’t know why I would do that – he was only supposed to stay until after dinner. 

Then I asked to talk to D. I asked about 7 times before he stopped screaming at me. 

When I got D on the phone I apologized for making him feel bad about not spending the night,  he said “What? I don’t feel bad.” I said, oh, well Dad said you feel really bad that you can’t sleep over, and well, its late now, so do you have your pajamas on? And had your shower and teeth brushed?” D said “No.” I said oh ok, well, I can just bring you all your things to school tomorrow, or I can pick you up there and bring you home in the morning and then you can change and stuff….”

D said, “I want you to come pick me up. Can you come get me? You have to tell Dad that I don’t want to sleep over. I can’t tell him.” 

I said yes. We’ll leave now. i’ll be there in less than 20 minutes. 

I texted X and told him that D asked me to let him know he wanted to be picked up, and we’d be there in 15 minutes. When we arrived, I rang the doorbell and D came out and we left. 

Once home, D asked me, probably 6 times, to tell dad he doesn’t want to go there tomorrow. He can’t tell him. He doesn’t want to offend him. He doesn’t want to make dad feel bad. He said “I’m going to feel really bad if I have to tell dad I don’t want to go there tomorrow.” I told him I’d take care of it, there isn’t anything D needs to feel badly about.

D also said that X spent a LOT of time talking about 50% of the time he has to stay. Half of the time. 50%. 50% out of 100% of the time. I told D that’s not a thing grownups should be talking to the kids about. That’s for the grownups to work out themselves. 

Then he said, “there were a lot of empty beer bottles in the basement where he stays. And he’s growing his beard back. And he was withered.” I said, “Withered?” husband said, “Do you mean thin?” D said, “No, like withered…” I said, “Like a withered flower?” D said, “Yeah, just minus the flower part.”

At this point D said he’d not sure if he wants to go back any time soon. 

Posted in abuse, co-parenting, crazy making, Divorce, growing up, kids, parenting and tagged , , , , , ,
17 May 2013
3 Comments

Deceptive.

Its a fine line between talking shit to your kids about their dad, and just trying to be honest. I worry about that with my kids. I generally opt to say nothing when I’m worried about navigating that terrain…And sometimes I’m not sure that’s always the best idea. 

I found myself dancing up to that line with the conversation I had with D about his upcoming time with his dad. After our lawyer told us that X had brought A to meet her, and X wanted the three of them to discuss A living with him (which she did not entertain) I realized that despite, again, me trying to keep the kids out of adult matters, X is pulling them in. 

We aren’t totally sure what to expect from this visit. Will X be on his best behavior? Trying to woo D back to the dark side?
Will he continue to play favorites with A, leaving D with time on his hands all by himself?
Will he take this opportunity to grill D about why don’t you ever call? Why don’t you want to see me? Did you know your mom has a lawyer and is trying to take you boys away from me forever? 

I had a few minutes alone with D so I told him that I needed to talk to him about a few things. “Step dad and I have hired a lawyer to help us with getting some things from the court that we asked for from your dad. We want for you to be able to go see dad when you want, and when you don’t want to, then you don’t have to.”

D agreed, “ok, ok…that’s good! If he took me and didn’t bring me back, that’s KIDNAPPING!”

“Yes”, I said, “But right now you’re supposed to go half of the time, and we’re not making you go since you haven’t seen dad for a long time. We just needed someone to help us talk to the court about that. And we need someone to help us to make it so that I’m the only one who makes your medical decisions for you. Right now dad and I are supposed to do it together, but he is saying he wants you to stop taking your medicine. I don’t think that’s a good idea. And, since he hasn’t really seen you to know how the medicine helps you….”

D rolled his eyes and was disgusted. “Yeah.”

I continued, “Anyway, we weren’t going to talk to you guys about getting a lawyer, because, honestly, its not any of your or your brothers business, this is grown up stuff…but your dad, for some reason, took A to meet our lawyer over vacation. I was worried he might start talking to you about it, and I want you to understand what step dad and I are doing and why.” 

D said, “Right. Ok. That’s good.”

“Hopefully, it won’t come up and dad won’t talk about grownup things or try to give you a hard time about your medicine or visiting him….”

In a very serious tone D said, “But if he does, then I’ll just ignore it….” Then he smiled real big and said, “Just like I do to you! Hahahahaha!” 

I laughed…”Right, just like you do to me. I just don’t want you to have to talk about anything that makes you feel uncomfortable…you know your dad sometimes says things that are just…..” 

D finished my sentence with more awareness than I realized he had when he said, “Deceptive.”

“Right” I said. “But you know, I want you to be prepared, just in case it doesn’t go very well. But maybe it’ll be a nice surprise and it’ll be a super fun time, and we didn’t have to talk about any of this.” 

D said, “Yeah, maybe” 

And with that, the conversation was over. In my opinion, counseling can’t come soon enough. 

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , ,
15 May 2013
7 Comments

Working jointly? As if.

Things at home have been stressed. 

D has asked to see his dad on Sunday, but wishes to be brought home after dinner. X has agreed. My husband is terrified of losing D to this monster. He doesn’t want him to go. He has talked about adopting him. Its not realistic, but I understand why he’s saying it. We don’t want D to be made to feel badly about himself. We don’t want D to feel like he has to choose which parent he loves more. We just want him to be OK. Its unlikely that will happen, because, we know how crazy his dad is. All we can do is be his constant. We love and accept him just how he is. If he doesn’t want to see dad, then he doesn’t have to. But, if he does, then we need to let that happen too. 

A is due home today. A strongly worded letter was sent to X telling him to not allow A to contact me for more time, as it creates unnecessary conflict between A and I. 

Meanwhile, I attempted to make counseling appointments for the boys. My attempts have been thwarted by X.  

His email on Monday to my lawyer said that he had no issue with me transporting D. He didn’t want me making the appointments however, because in the past I’ve abruptly stopped taking him to his appointments.He wanted me to agree to taking him 1-2 times week (maybe he didn’t really get his law degree, maybe he’s actually a psychologist?). Also, he said I shouldn’t be allowed to sit in sessions with D. He doesn’t want me, you know, trying to convince the psychologist of all of the issues I think D has, but refuse to tell X about. Hmmm, I wonder where he would get that idea? 

He did agree to schedule appointments for A, and would be responsible for his transportation.

But then, then next day, we’re not sure what happened, but my best guess is that he told A that he was going to be starting counseling. Likely, A revolted. Probably A said No.

These were his words to my lawyer, “I cannot agree to allow her to do whatever she wants with the scheduling and it will most likely be best for both children if I take more of an active role anyway.  I am more than happy to work out an arrangement where she and I will be jointly responsible for establishing a regular schedule with the counselor that meets the needs of the children, whomever that may be, and sharing in the transportation of both children to and from those sessions.”

Uh, no.  I was willing to make the appointments for, and to take D because, well, YOU HAVEN’T SPOKEN TO HIM SINCE JANUARY! Plus, I want D to understand his own worth isn’t based how his shitty father treats him. I will take him because D trusts me. He knows I wouldn’t take him to a provider I didn’t trust. He doesn’t feel this way about his father.

 

A on the other hand, won’t go. I had to bribe him to go before. He refuses now. This is why I told X that he can do it. He can make A go…or try anyway. Supposedly, this was important to him, so, he can be a parent for once. Give it a try. He’ll get to see what it’s like to try to make A do something he doesn’t want to do. He can’t be a parent and a peer, so, he’ll throw it back onto me. I can be the parent. The bad guy. He can be the buddy, feeling bad for A that mom is making him do such stupid things. Just like always.

And….he wants to work jointly with me? How is that going to work? Should I just do what you say? Because that’s how its been since I’ve known you. As long as you get what you want we’re all ‘compromising’. Does he think saying it to my lawyer will some how confuse everyone into believing that he’s been the victim of MY crazy all this time? 

Three years of refusal to work with me. Three years of SAYING he was working with me. Three years of SAYING I wasn’t working with him. Three years of twisted bullshit logic about what ‘working with’ someone means.
In his emails to my lawyer he keeps saying he wants a speedy resolution to this matter…but its HIM who is dragging his feet. He’s had 2 FULL months to schedule these appointments himself. He has had a week and a half of disagreeing on my choice of provider and not once offered up another name. 

Its going to be a bitter pill to swallow when people realize that your actions speak louder than your words, and he doesn’t get what he wants. At least I hope so anyway. 

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , ,
09 May 2013
5 Comments

We wait.

I’ve not been writing much here lately. I am overwhelmed and have no idea where to even start. I told Melanie I wanted to write for a her blog about kids being part of an abusive marriage, the transitions for them once there is a divorce, and adjusting to having to deal with, on their own, the other parent. And when the other parent continues to be abusive, just in a way that the kids can’t really understand, how that effects them, their siblings and the rest of their family. 

Unfortunately, I can’t seem to get my thoughts in order. All the stupid shit I put up with, and overlooked and made excuses for, is all rushing back in a tsunami of ‘what the fuck were you thinking’ and I can’t seem to put together an coherent thought. 

The last week or two have been a blur. A has been distant and sullen and quiet. He wasn’t like that before he spent 2 weeks with his father. D has been doing alright, but has been slacking in school. At a dentist appt last week we found out D has some cavities. Yesterday he had them filled. A couldn’t wait to tattle when he saw his dad on facebook. “D has cavities, he had to have them filled.” Its all he has in common with his dad. A distaste for me and his brother. 

Meanwhile, I was attempting to make counseling appts for the kids with a new guy now that we have new insurance and a recommendation from our lawyer. And like a normal person, I include X. 

X,
Due to your issue with __________ for counseling, we are going to use Dr. __________ instead. I will be making an appointment for D this week, and will also make one for A based on your preference for taking him either Mondays or Tuesdays. Please let me know as soon as possible what day and time work best for you.
_____________________________________________

His response was crazy, as I suppose I should have expected:
_____________________________________________

Is there a reason you chose to wait until I was away at graduation to attempt to schedule these appointments when I have been requesting all along that you do so?

I asked numerous times for clarification regarding the insurance that they had, but was not given the access/permission that appears necessary to schedule appointments based on my discussions with the state.  Additionally, and so there is no confusion on the part of anyone, the last counselor you used was closely affiliated with your place of employment, had somewhat limited time seeing and developing a relationship with the children in the past, and had a number of scheduling conflicts with mine – for those reasons I believed using him was not a proper choice.

I am not familiar with this new doctor and until I am, I am not consenting to using this person for either child.  This doctor may be fantastic and highly skilled, but you are making major medical decisions again without my consent and without consulting me prior to doing so.  A current visitation schedule for D would seem appropriate prior to me accepting any such counselor appointment schedule in the future.

I was under the impression you had no concerns and that was why you had not enrolled them in counseling prior to me asking, If you care to share the specific concerns you have with each child I will gladly discuss mine.  It would certainly make any initial discussions with Dr._______ or any other potential counselor more fruitful prior to scheduling the children for counseling.

I will continue to be open to hearing any suggestions that you may have should you be interested in discussing a realistic and meaningful visitation schedule that is in the best interests of D and affords me at least the 50% custody that we previously agreed to.

__________________________________________________

Since X decided that he “does not consent” to this person, simply because he did not choose him, my lawyer said that we need to wait now to schedule, at least until our pre-trail hearing.

So. We wait.

I’m so tired. Exhausted. I feel like I can’t keep my kids safe from their father. I can’t stop the abuse that happens, I can’t stop him from seeing his kids, and I can’t make A understand that you don’t have to be angry with me in order to see your dad. Its ok to want to see dad, and still want to see me too. But dad doesn’t see it that way.

I have been told by strangers, by my best friend, and by my lawyer that A wants to please his dad. He plays the game and can be outwardly disrespectful, rude and mean to me because he knows my love is unconditional. He knows I won’t leave him. He doesn’t think that is true about his dad. If he disagrees with dad, dad will leave. Dad won’t love him. Dad won’t have any use for him. This has been proven by dad’s relationship with D. This is why the boys need to have someone else to talk to about how to handle this shit. But instead, we have to wait. 

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , ,
08 May 2013

We can all relate…

http://www.5280.com/magazine/2013/05/escape

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