Looking Forward

Making a better life for me and my kids

Archive for the month “November, 2012”

26 Nov 2012
8 Comments

Feeling overwhelmed.

I’m very frustrated. I’m feeling very overwhelmed. I wish I was better at managing it.

We drove 4 hours, stayed in a hotel with a pool, the boys swam and had a lovely time. The next day we drove an hour to my parents house for thanksgiving. It was great to see them. My mom really misses living closer to the boys…and it showed. She spoiled them rotten for the 24 hours we were there.

We got home on Friday, returned the rental car, picked up the dogs, etc…things were quiet and ok. It was really nice.

Saturday night one of the dogs bit D in the face. D was in his space. We have talked to him about this a MILLION times. I don’t know if its  his ADHD, but for some reason he just can’t seem to understand that dog isn’t like our other dog. You can’t get in his face. You can’t play rough with him. He’s still a puppy, he has a lot to still learn. Anyway, D is fine, no stitches required, thankfully. But, after having this dog for 8 months and having NO change in how D interacts with him, and seeing the dog actually getting WORSE when he deals with the kids, and not better…we need to give him a new home. I called an old friend to see if he’d be interested, he said he’d think about it. We’ll see.

I gathered all my court papers today to take to file, only to find out that A. the money I’d set aside for filing these papers has magically been eaten up by Christmas shopping and traveling. And B. The sheriff in SD sent me back the COPY of my motion to modify, not the notarized original. The notarized original was given to the ex.
I emailed them to find out what on earth I can do now, and of course, as you’d guess, I have to redo it. I have to redo it, get it notarized again, and send it again, to South Dakota. I have to hope that they can find him before his classes end and he ends up who knows where.  Seriously. This is just so frustrating.

And finally, I still haven’t gotten a report from the place I took D to be evaluated. The place that did all sorts of testing and told me that he has ADHD. The place that takes 3 months to write a damn report. Without that report, I can’t ask for a meeting with the school to figure out how to best help D. The work I’m doing with him at home to get all his work done, is just not sustainable. Its exhausting. I need the school’s help. But I can’t get it without that report. His first appointment was in August. His second appointment was at the beginning of  September. Its almost December. I called them again today to find out how much longer and was told “someone will get back to you.”

I am so frustrated. I feel like crying. Seriously. When does this get easier?

 

 

Posted in adhd, court forms, parenting, school, Uncategorized, worry and tagged ,
20 Nov 2012
3 Comments

How not to be a father 101

So, there is good news to come from this very awkward conversation between A and his father. Looks like I’ll have both boys for Christmas and Christmas eve this year. It also looks like he has no intention of being a normal adult, and will likely not live near enough to us for that to be much of an issue once his schooling is over with.

The down side of this is that A has been put in his place, yet again. He takes a backseat to dad’s need to seem important and have a “social life”. It also seems that he’s not really buying the whole bullshit story his dad has about the “fight” I’m going to give him if he wants to be more a part of A’s life.

Finally, it seems, all the consistency, love, boundaries, and respect that we give A and his brother is maybe playing a larger role in his life, as it is more and more in total contrast to how his father treats him and his brother. Its sad and I feel badly for A, but honestly, he needs to live through this crap to be able to move past it – rather than hanging onto it, hoping his dad will ever change.

Dad

evening bud, how goes thigns?

things?

A

goood, mellow, but good

Dad

mellow – dont do drugs!

A

is mellow a drug?

Dad

no but I have heard weed makes you very mellow and so… DONT DO DRUGS

you can be mellow when you are 80

🙂

A

i dont like weed

nassty shit

Dad

I don’t even want to know

hows school?

A

good

you

Dad

are you in Mass right now?

A

no sir

Dad

??

thought you were going?

Dad

no?

A

didnt have da money.

its ok though

more madden

and more time with the ladies

Dad

haha

yeah right

your not a player

lol

how is your brother doing?

A

you’re*

and hes good

the you’re* was to “your not a player”

Dad

and what happened with your latest girl? and no it is ‘your’

oh right

good call

So did you like Mass when you were there?

A

yes it was fun

Dad

Boston would be a fun town to live in or near

I think. Lots to do there

A

too much crime

Dad

nahh

A

yeah

Dad

There are good and bad parts to live in, just need to pick the right one!

A

when we were down there, there was a lot of burgleries in the 2 weeks i was there

Dad

Its not Maui though 😦

A

haha yeah brockton was pretty bad though

Dad

I bet

I only have 4 weeks to go! Woohoo!!!

hopefully I can just pass this last semester anyway

A

haha yeah

you not gunna be here for thanksgivin?

Dad

nope, not planning on celebrating any holidays for a while I think…

A

oh

lol

alright

Dad

thats alright though.

I have plenty to keep me busy anyway 🙂 And I will still try to get you boys something for Christmas too

maybe have to mail it to ya though

A

oh ok

Dad

I am just not interested in a big drama filled December ya know.

A

ya

Dad

It would be nice if I got to see you though – which is what I am shooting for, but I am not going to hold my breath

If I do come back I am going to need to figure out a better plan for pick up and drop off too

any suggestions?

A

end of the road or something

Dad

it needs to be a situation where I don’t have any contact with her at all though. Maybe a drop off at (uncle’s) or you go there after school or something

that might work

A

im usually at mikes after school

Dad

yeah but he lives in (neighboring town) right?

A

but if not than you would be able to pick me up from school

Dad

that might work, just got to figure out the drop off then.

A

where are you gunna stay like what town

Dad

I am sure the court is going to want to have the “exchange of goods” done in a place where there is some adult with you while you wait. I am not sure yet. I am leaning on Central or southern Maine though

it kinda sucks bud, but I dont want to live in that area anymore

I just don’t feel comfortable being there. It is not my home anymore.

A

well, if you’re not going to live in (a city in our district) than im not going to be able to have primary custody with you

Dad

She is not going to let that happen anyway, not without a fight… If she agrees right away than I can handle it for a while until you graduate, but I doubt she will.

A

or ill just say i was it that way

lol

Dad

well if you get her to agree to it than I will. The alternative is spending the next couple of years in court. By then you will have already graduated.

might just be better to set up shop in a location that you plan on going to college so you can get that instate tuition rate thing!

This sucks 😦

A

i dont know any of that yet

Dad

I know

A

hense why if you just set up for the next 2 and a half years it would probably be better

Dad

what do you mean?

??

A

im in high skool for another 2 1/2 years

Dad

right…

I really wish there was a perfect answer to this.

but it is somewhat complicated

realities

I really don’t want to buy another house in that area either, and renting just seems like a waste of money at this point…

A

rent (grandmothers old house)

Dad

fuck no – that is way to close to them!

If I rent anything it is going to be on the outskirts of (a town a few towns over) – most likely

I don’t want to even be in a situation where I am at the same store, on the same road or whatever…

A

you’re elle stupid

Dad

elle? I have no idea what that means – speak english

A

i was speaking french

Dad

still not english

lol

regardless, that is a non debatable term of me moving back into that area… take it or leave it because any contact with her will be a deal breaker… just saying

A

you’re still in love with her and i dont like it.

Dad

hahaha, omg bud, did you really just say that…

someday I will fill you in on some things…

but no, I can honestly assure you that that is not the case

I will be honest here bud, me moving back to that part of the state is really going to put a damper on my ‘social life’ and I would be given up quite a bit more than just the possiblity of contact with her dumb ass

A

ok

Dad

whatever dude… I don’t like it when you say shit like that and think it is true.

not cool

A

lol

i dont like it when you’re worried about your social life more than me.

Dad

never said that.

oh bud there is so much more to it than that. I am sorry that it sounded like that to you.

I need to be done with this conversation for the evening I think. I hope you have a good night. Love you and I do miss you… alot 🙂

Posted in abuse, co-parenting, Divorce, growing up, kids, long distance parenting, parenting, school, worry and tagged , , ,
16 Nov 2012
4 Comments

Emotional Abuse

For a lot of years I could never really put words to what my marriage was like. How do you explain something as abuse if you can’t quite put your finger on it? I must be making more out of it than it really is, besides, he never hits me, right? Can you really call it rape if I could have fought harder to stop it? Can you call it rape if we’re married? He didn’t mean to spank the kids hard enough to leave hand print bruises on them, it was an accident, he just lost his temper.

All the preconceptions I had about ‘abuse’ didn’t fit into what I was experiencing. (Basically, I thought you had to have the shit beat out of you on a regular basis) Plus, being a teenager at the beginning, I believed that’s not something that would ever happen to ME. So this must be something else…I must be going crazy. I must have too high of expectations for a spouse. It must be me that is the problem.

Then I saw this status on the Emotional Abuse Facebook page yesterday.

Not all emotional abusers criticize their partners directly – sometimes it can be as simple as constantly criticizing how someone keeps a kitchen, or complaining about the mess in the house, or continuous grumbling about the laundry, or complaining about the noise and mess the kids make. He will make her think it is her job to keep him happy, and imply that household things are contributing to his unhappiness and bad temper.

An emotional abuser will seem to encourage his partner to grow, to develop new skills and expand her horizons, but then will do things to impede or prevent that progress. He will mope and sigh about how little time she has for him now that she is working more or taking that course, or back in school. Or, he will “encourage” her to advance herself, but refuse to provide any additional assistance around the house/family to ease her workload, effectively making it impossible for her to take that course or job. If he DOES provide assistance, he will let her know how HARD it is for him, and how MUCH he is doing for her, every step of the way… he will play the “sad puppy” to the hilt, trying to get her to feel guilty for the burdens she has put on him.

An Emotional abuser will try to make his partner responsible for his happiness. Either through direct comments, or indirect implications, the abuser will let his partner know that he is not happy, that it is somehow her fault, and that she must fix it. The problem is, no matter what she does, it will never be enough, and it won’t ultimately make him happy.

This explains it exactly. Well there. It does make me wonder, though, why I think THIS is validation and why I manged to overlook the being choked, raped, shoved into a wall, and the kids with hand print bruises left on their bottoms? Maybe because they were incidents that were so spread out, and the emotional crap is something I endured every day? I don’t know. It does make me feel icky though…Like I should have known better a long time ago.

 

Posted in abuse, crazy making, Divorce and tagged , ,
15 Nov 2012
14 Comments

He’s such a bad parent. Seriously.

Dad
8:59pm
whats up my man?

A
8:59pm

chillin at home
you

Dad
8:59pm
You need to pick one girl and try to stay focused… just saying

A
8:59pm
hahahaha nah

Dad
9:00pm
at the pool and sauna trying to plan my next international travel destination, heading to the library to finish a take home mid term in a bit and then round out the night at the gym!! woohoo

A
9:00pm
you back in sd

Dad
9:01pm
yeah got back last night
was a very busy weekend

A
9:01pm
nice

Dad
9:01pm
I must have viewed 15 different apartment buildings
ugh

A
9:01pm
where abouts

Dad
9:02pm
oh here and there – probably should keep that on the down low cause we are obviously being monitored
lol

A
9:02pm
lol

Dad
9:02pm
so whats new in your world?
anything note worthy?

A
9:03pm
not really

Dad
9:04pm
what does that mean?

A
9:04pm
that nothing has happened lol
my lifes boring
i might go to mass with michael for thanksgiving

Dad
9:04pm
oh really

A
9:04pm
if i am id be leaving this weekend, but im going out friday and saturday night so itd probably be sunday

Dad
9:05pm
and why is it that you are going again?
to leave the state, and I get no heads up?

A
9:05pm
because this is his first thanksgiving without his dad
this is your heads up, im not even sure if im going yet

Dad
9:06pm
yeah it isnt something that should be coming from you though. I thought mom was in Eddington and Dad lived in Mass

A
9:07pm
correct, but the family michael prefers is in mass and he’s gone down there every year for like 6 years now

Dad
9:07pm
very sad…

A
9:07pm
yes

Dad
9:07pm
hows he been doing?
hows he been doing
I really wish you wanted to move someplace warm!!!

A
9:10pm
hes been alright and i do… after high school lol

Dad
9:19pm
yeah but where??

A
9:21pm
san diego, hawii, california, australia, i dont know

Dad
9:23pm
owwee, so my two choices for travel this next time are 1. Germany down through eastern europe and end in Greece OR 2. New Zealand, Australia up through Thailand and Cambodia. What do you think?

A
9:24pm
stop by austraillia, mr merritt said he loved it when he went there. i think it would be an enjoyable adventure

Dad
9:26pm
yeah me too. I think this next time though I am going to do something called Helpx or woofing. Look em up if you want, but it seems like it would be that much more of an adventure and a great way to get to know people while seeing the world!

A
9:26pm
I WANT TO COME THIS TIME.
ill keep you from getting robbed
because you have a weakness for attractive girls grinding on you in the subway

Dad
9:27pm
DUDE, get a job and save up some money. It would be a blast
don’t I know it
lol

A
9:27pm
dude, pay for me.

Dad
9:27pm
they don’t even need to be on the subway.
screw that, I will chip in but you need a little sweat equity in it or you will not appreciate it as much

A
9:28pm
im sure i will appreciate it

Dad
9:28pm
I actually was thinking it would be nice to go with you over to Europe when you graduate
that would be killer!!

A
9:29pm
start savin grand pere

Dad
9:29pm
spend a whole summer over there just traveling around with every one else

A
9:29pm
you start savin, and ill start making plans

Dad
9:29pm
I am serious though, if you want to go you need to work towards it.

A
9:29pm
im workin hard
im planning ahead
step 1 complete

Dad
9:30pm
I don’t mind taking you and covering a lot of costs but you need to have some skin in the game

A
9:30pm
step 2 is collect all the money from you

Dad
9:30pm
RIGHTTTTT
lol

A
9:30pm
ive got 70 cents in my pocket
hows that?

Dad
9:30pm
that is not much, but on the bright side it is a start 🙂
why dont you get a job
I had a couple when I was your age
not that I am comparing because it is certainly a different world today
but…

A
9:31pm
because i have no way to get back and forth considering who my mom is
and if certified adults cant get jobs what makes you think me, who has no job history can

Dad
9:31pm
get a car. Start with a clunker
oh BS
there are jobs out ther, it just takes some hustle and a willingness to take whatever job you can get
lots of people don’t want to do that

A
9:32pm
true

Dad
9:32pm
you want me to find you a job?
haha

A
9:33pm
no, i actually think i can work for 950 at michaels house in the shop if i really had the time and such
but the hours would blow cock.
id have to work from when i got out of school til 9 every day lol

Dad
9:33pm
watch your mouth. and thats what I am talking about – if you want it bad enough make it happen
you could easily have a couple grand by next spring – more than enough to go anywhere I do
provided that you are given permission to do so
😦

A
9:34pm
ill just save up i guess

Dad
9:34pm
exactly
don
dont wait for someone else to do it for you or some windfall casue that shit never happens
and then you are 34 years old and realize just how much of the world you actually were missing… so to speak!

A
9:35pm
lol

Dad
9:37pm
not sure what I can do for christmas this year or where I will be but do you have something you would like?

A
9:37pm
be back in maine
you probably dont have money for an ipad
but thats what id want
and mom said she wants to buy me the shittier version of that
but i dont want a shittier version i want an ipad

Dad
9:38pm
haha, well I am thinking I will be. I have a friend to stop off and see for a few days in Boston first
you will get the shittiest one available…

A
9:39pm
no she wants to buy me something completely different that could possibly be compared to an ipad

Dad
9:39pm
do you see how much those freaking things are?

A
9:39pm
for all i care you can go to ebay or goodwill or anything as long as its an actual “iapd”

Dad
9:39pm
lol

Dad
9:47pm
yeah 400 bucks is a bit much bud
I will keep checking but if she is going to buy you one then let her

A
9:47pm
alright

Dad
9:48pm
and how is your brother doing. I never hear from him so I have no idea

A
9:48pm
hes good
still adicted to the computer

Dad
9:49pm
also sad

A
9:49pm
very

Dad
9:49pm
alright I need to go get some shit done. Back in a little while though 🙂 ttyl
try deleting this will ya!

A
9:50pm
ok

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , ,
14 Nov 2012
11 Comments

Am I just being paranoid?

I don’t feel safe.

He was tucked away nicely in South Dakota 1900 miles away. Then I see on Facebook this morning that he flew back here, to Maine, for a day. One day. Granted, this doesn’t make a ton of sense to me, who spends 5 hours flying one way to turn around and fly 5 hours back only to spend, likely, less than 5 hours here? And how the hell was he able to pay for it? But, here is the conversation he had with A yesterday afternoon:

Tuesday

  • Dad:
    I flew, last minute, in for a day to look at potential properties to buy and possible jobs, not enough of a heads up based on the court requirements to get to see you and I didn’t have the time for a fight about it if you know what I mean – but only a month to go!! How ya doing?
  • Ok
    I’m good Haha
  • Dad
    Wish I had more time, soon enough though 🙂:)
  • Dad
    how’s your brother doing? You doing any sports this winter?
  • A
    Just lifting

When I first read this, I was angry. So. Angry. I was angry that he didn’t bother to give his kids a heads up, or even try to see them…then tried to blame a “fight” about it on me.

I started thinking about it. This isn’t new. He’s come back here before and not told the kids. I’m always to blame for his selfishness. So what am I really angry about?

Yesterday I read something that said all anger is based on fear. Though, Dr. Zasio told me during an episode of Hoarders that when we are hurt, we display anger, I like to try to be more open to all sorts of ideas about anger (since I’m not all that great at dealing with it effectively). I think the fear idea is more likely in this situation, because I am afraid of him.
I’m afraid of what crap he’ll do next. I’m afraid he’ll flip out and do something dangerous and harmful. I’m afraid that just his presence in the kid’s lives is scarring them. I’m afraid of him showing up at my house. I’m afraid of him following me. I’m afraid of his instability. He was 1900 miles away. His emails bounce off of me like a bouncy ball. No big deal. But him HERE? That’s a different story.
He didn’t tell me he was coming here, and can he see the kids, because he didn’t want me to know. It had nothing to do with a fight. He thinks his power comes from keeping me in the dark about where he is. Why? So he can be close by and I wouldn’t know? Paranoid brain suggests that way I won’t see it coming….whatever it is. I don’t feel safe.
Am I just being paranoid? Is this something I should just be ignoring?  I have no idea…but its exhausting feeling this way.
Posted in abuse, co-parenting, crazy making, Divorce, kids, long distance parenting, parenting, worry
12 Nov 2012
3 Comments

All is quiet

All is quiet.

No news on the negotiation front. I did get my court papers back from SD, so now I need to round up $120.00 so I can go to the court house to file them. Awesome.

With the holidays approaching, I’ve decided to be crafty and make gifts for the youngest niece and nephew.

 

I completed these this weekend. I’m also making my youngest son a quilt, which is almost done. And finally I’m making stuffed Creepers – for those of you who do not have a 12 year old, Minecraft is their obsession, and Creepers are the things that can destroy you. I made one for my son a while ago, he loved it, (and so did the dog) I got requests from his friends to make ones for them too – and our 11 year old niece will be getting one for Christmas.

 

So, with all this keeping my mind occupied, things have been quiet – which is fine by me!

 

Posted in court forms, crafts, kids and tagged , , ,
02 Nov 2012
6 Comments

Pity me, I live in CrazyTown.

So after the response I got from the X yesterday taking a giant leap into CrazyTown, I had to think about how I wanted to respond. Clearly I’d like to point out that no lawyer in their right mind would say the stupid crap he’s saying about terminating his rights. Clearly this is all for show. Otherwise, had he done his research about this topic, (like I have) he’d know that in order to give up his rights, he needs someone willing to take his place. The kids would need to be adopted by someone else as their “father”. So, this was just him whining, wanting to be pitied, wanting me to say “Oh no no, YOU’RE their father!” I’m out of the Making It All Better Business in regards to him. Rather, my response was:

_________________

From: ME
To: X
Subject: Re: resolution

No where did I suggest that you terminate all of your parental rights and responsibilities.
As I am sure you are aware, court orders need to be modified from time to time. Based on the issues we’ve experienced with the current court orders as far as notification and visitation, we wish to have language in place to ensure the kids have consistency and adult matters are kept between the adults.

_________________

After I sent it, I didn’t know what to expect. Was he going to come raging back about what a whore I am? How all my “past actions” have denied me the opportunity to “ever be trusted again!”? You know, the usual talking points I get in response when I ask for something. If not that, then likely, I wouldn’t hear anything at all. However, a few short hours later, this is his answer:

_________________

From: X
To: ME
Subject: RE: resolution

True. I am aware of quite a bit more now, than I was a few years ago.
_________________

I’ve done this long enough now to know that this is manipulation. This is “talk to me , press for what you want, engage me in conversation.” This email made me more uncomfortable than I’d been in a long time in dealing with him. I can handle the screaming, the name calling, the shitting all over my parenting and life choices. But this, this is just dripping with ‘pity me’. Blech!

Looks like negotiations are over.

Posted in abuse, child support, co-parenting, crazy making, long distance parenting, parenting and tagged , , , ,
01 Nov 2012
4 Comments

Where does he come up with this?

As you all know, I served the X with modification papers. After nearly a month, he was finally served. I let him know that I would be willing to negotiate prior to a case management hearing. I had the idea that if he gave me what I wanted, I’d take child support off the table. I figured he’d use me waiting for a response as a power play. I didn’t think I’d hear back from him so quickly. Here is the email exchange:

From: ME
To: X
Subject: Re: resolution

Visitation for D to be changed to “reasonable times” to allow him more freedom in making decisions about visitation / overnights. This would not apply to the alternating holiday schedule already in place.

A change in visitation schedule to Sunday at 9am to Wednesday at 3pm. Pick up and drop off remains at the Tradewinds Store. When they are with you, it is your responsibility to be sure they get to school and any extra-curricular activities they are participating in at that time.

When I receive 7 day notice that you intend to use the Sunday-Wednesday schedule, I will be sure to forward you any activity schedules they have.

All communication regarding scheduling time with the kids outside of normal Sunday-Wednesday schedule is to be done with me via email or text message. Not with the kids.

All communication regarding any scheduling or transportation issues for the Sunday-Wednesday schedule is to be done with me via email or text message. Not with the kids.

I am requesting all medical rights and responsibilities be allocated to me for both kids.

In the event that you are staying somewhere besides your mother’s house in Clifton, pickup and drop off location can be altered to accommodate a halfway point for both of us, but that is something that you would need to communicate with me about at least 7 days in advance.

Child support will remain at $0.00

His response:

From: X
To: ME
Subject: RE: resolution 

This sounds like you want me to terminate all of my parental rights including those agreed upon in the divorce agreement, does this also mean you wish for me to complete the process by terminating my parental responsibilities?
_________________________________
I’m guessing someone told him that the only way to NOT have to pay child support is to terminate your parental rights? Or he’s baiting me into saying YES! LEAVE US ALL THE HELL ALONE! so he can show A what he’s been saying all along, that I don’t want the kids to have him as their father. Regardless of what I want, he IS their father, and I can’t do anything to change that.
Posted in abuse, child support, co-parenting, court forms, crazy making, Divorce, kids, long distance parenting, parenting, reality and tagged , , , , ,

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