Looking Forward

Making a better life for me and my kids

Archive for the month “August, 2012”

30 Aug 2012

Fast and busy week!

Its been a crazy week, but happily, it’s moving quickly!

My parents have sold their house of 35 years and moved 4 hours away from me to be closer to my brother, who has a new baby. This is totally understandable, as my kids are 12 and 15 now. My mom loves being a Grammy, it certainly suits her! My kids would not be the wonderful young men they are today without the influence of my parents. I am very grateful for the strong relationship my parents have with my boys. My brother may not yet understand how lucky he is to have them a mere 20 minutes away, but I’m sure he will!  On Sunday we’ll be traveling the 4 hours to see their new house and visit with them. I am very excited! 

In other news my boys have both started school. A, who is 15, started his sophomore year this morning. He rolled his eyes at the “no more slacking at the end of the year like last time – colleges are going to be paying attention to these grades from here on out. No more of that, got it?” and grunted in agreement. Donning his flashy new shoes, tank top and athletic shorts, he exited the car, one year closer to being on his own. I didn’t cry like I did last year. I’m proud of him. I’m anxious to see what he can do. He is SO smart, and yet SO lazy.

My other son, D, who is 12, started the 7th grade yesterday. I dropped him off at the front door of the school, he jumped out of the car and bolted for the door. “Hey!” I hollered at him. He looked back and realized he’d left the car door open. “Sorry about that!” he said, “and yes, I know, I’ll try to have a GREAT day!! Bye!” and with that, he slammed the door and was off. He’s turned into quite the social butterfly, joking with a girl on the phone last night while playing video games at the same time. School has been such a challenge for him, I’m trying to be optimistic that this year will be better for him.

Also, I went to the probate court on Tuesday with my NEW birth certificate and all the other crap I needed and I filed my forms. Only one minor hitch this time…they called me and asked if I was married. I said I was, and she informed me that I needed my husband to sign off on the petition. Right, I guess the idea of MY name being MINE is hinged on everyone else agreeing that its ok, ugh! All the same, he was happy to leave work a little early to go over and sign. By the middle of October, this whole process should be done! I cannot wait! 

 

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , | Leave a comment
28 Aug 2012
13 Comments

Creating my own reality

I’ve been doing a lot of blog reading lately. Its gotten me doing some thinking about how my situation unfolded like it did, and why it was so hard to leave. It was really all about his twisted sense of reality and how I let it become mine too.

His reality became ‘our’ reality. I thought thats how things were supposed to work. We were supposed to be there for each other and supportive of each other, get on board with each others ideas, concepts, morals, etc…and I was, 100%. However, that was never the case for him. Nothing I wanted or cared about mattered, but the second I questioned him, I suddenly became labeled as ‘unsupportive’ or not working as a team. I didn’t want to be that kind of wife…so I stopped questioning him, kept my mouth shut and tried to keep the peace. For too long, I honestly believed that the root of all the issues in our marriage was me, and I was too difficult to please.

Now, of course, I see how wrong that was. Not only was it wrong at the time to put up with that, but it took a few years to really realize what it was that was happening. I had no idea that he most likely has a personality disorder. I had no idea that he was this unstable. I figured since he was so adamant that every complaint I ever had was really all about ME and my outlandish expectations – it really must be some defect in me…

This is where his reality had become my misguided reality. He believed you must have someone. you must be married or have a partner of some kind, so this became our reality. I worried about leaving, if I’m so hard to live with, so uncooperative, so unwavering in my stubbornness, how would I ever find anyone else to put with me? As the years went by, the last minute birthday gifts, the extravagant anniversary plans that never saw the light of day, the Christmas presents that felt like they must have been bought for someone else..Once you’re married for 10 years you should have a pretty good sense of how to buy a suitable gift for someone, right? Especially when they make you a list with pictures, and descriptions, right? I’m 5 foot 9 inches tall. For 3 years in a row he bought me clothes from the petite department, despite me repeatedly pointing out that I am the OPPOSITE of petite…It became harder and harder to justify to everyone, and especially myself, as to why he was this way.

Slowly, I got to the point where I realized I could create my own reality. I didn’t need him in my life and frankly, I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than live another day with him as my husband – I don’t NEED to be married. I want to WANT to be married. I want to want my husband around. I want to be someone’s partner, not just be someone’s wife. What a novel concept!

I had no idea how to go about this. I felt like people would think I was being too picky about his faults. I worried I would seem ungrateful or just as a bitch. I needed a reason to leave. Again, his reality became our reality, its all about how the world sees you. Its all about what others think.
Yes, I’d spent the last 13 years being controlled, verbally, emotionally and sexually abused – but there were no marks…I didn’t feel like that was enough of a reason, that people wouldn’t understand. No one could see how terrible life was, how much I hated being home with him. How much I hated being near him. How exhausting it was being his wife. How much I worried when I had to leave the kids home with him during the summers. No one would understand.

I wanted him to hit me. More than once I instigated a fight and then got in his face hoping it would happen. No one would expect me to stay after that. But, he never did. He knew better.

Eventually, I realized that if I wanted my life back, it was going to have to be all my own doing. I was having lunch with a good friend and I was complaining about something he’d done or said and she said to me “When are you going to stop being the victim?”
I went home that afternoon and called my mom to see if she could take the kids the coming weekend. I was getting a divorce.

Making the decision – finally feeling like I was on the right path, rather than continuing to beat my head against a wall, I was out of options to save my marriage. I had done EVERYTHING I could think of, and I was still miserable. My kids were miserable. I was going to make a change. It wasn’t going to be a chance to hear his sobbing lies about how he would change and how things would be different. I was letting him know I was all done being married to him.

He was sure I was leaving him for another man. I told him no, I was not. I wasn’t happy, and I needed to make a change. I just kept repeating myself. “You’re going to be alone! You’ll hate it! You can’t be alone! I know you’re seeing someone else! You HATE being alone!” is what he said. As those words came out of his mouth I had never, in my whole life been more sure of any decision I’d ever made. I’d begged for time alone. I loved being alone. I always have. Time without him, without the kids. Time to myself. Time to do what I wanted…I’d been asking for this for 13 years.

Apparently after being married all this time, he really had no idea who I was. This was my reality.

 

Posted in abuse, crazy making, Divorce, reality
27 Aug 2012
6 Comments

How to turn off the worry…?

I spent the weekend struggling.

The ex is in South Dakota, right where he should be – far away from us – caught up in his own little world.

I can’t seem to just be in this moment, happy he’s away and not bothering us. I keep thinking about what kind of mess he’s going to create when he comes back here. Is he going to try to see them over Thanksgiving? Is he not going to give me notice again, try to pit the kids against each other and me…all in an attempt to negatively effect our holidays…rather than a chance to spend a holiday with his boys?

And what if he really does plan on moving back here in December after school is done? How does he plan to live around here and keep up this level of crazy? And when I ask for child support – he’s going to freak out…and what about his threats of child support means he won’t have anything to do with the kids? Will he just leave? that just seems too easy.

Any contact he seems to have with my older son when he is in the area is really the biggest problem we have – I can’t help but dread it, even though its months away from the possibility of it happening.

I’m tired of feeling so helpless and not having any control over the insanity he brings into my head. I wish I had a better way of turning off the worry…though writing does seem to help.

Posted in abuse, Divorce, kids, long distance parenting, worry
22 Aug 2012
5 Comments

…but no one said it was going to be easy

Ok well I just got back from the probate court. I had my certified birth certificate, and my divorce and the $120.00 filing fee…however…nothing in this whole divorce process has been easy. I don’t know why I thought this might be.

A certified copy of a birth certificate from 2006 isn’t sufficient. It needs to be from within the last 6 months. Seriously?  Seriously.

My groaning and disbelief prompted the lady to point out that I’m “in luck”! This cycle doesn’t end until Sept. 7th, so I have time to get what I need!

I was born in Missouri, so, I called the Johnson County registrars office as I was walking out of the courthouse…Yes! We can help you with that. Just follow these 8 easy steps…

1. Go online

2. Print out the application

3.Fill it out

4. Get it notarized

5. Put it in an envelope

6. Enclose a check for $15.00

7. and a self addressed stamped envelope

8. Put it in the mail. We’ll mail it to you as soon as we get it.

Seriously? Yes….seriously.

So, I’ve now filled out the form, gotten my envelopes together, and will hit the bank on the way home to get it notarized. I’ll drop it in the mail and keep my fingers crossed that it finds its way to Missouri and back in 16 days.

In the event I can get this all done and back to the courthouse by Sept. 7th, then it will go in the paper 1 week later. On Oct. 9th a judge will look at my form and decide if its ok to change my name or not. As long as there are no objections, sometime the next week someone will call me to let me know that its been made official and I can go back to the courthouse to pick up my form.

I guess this process, like all the other process I’ve been through involving the legal system will be long and drawn out and require entirely too much paper.

 

Posted in Divorce, kids
22 Aug 2012
1 Comment

Change is a good thing

Today I will be making a change. I’m going to the probate court at lunch, and filing forms to change my last name. 

I currently still hold the last name of my ex husband, as it is the last name of my children. Yes, I am divorced, and remarried, and really shouldn’t be carrying this name around with me…but, it felt like the right thing to do for the boys.

However, the time has come for me to move forward, and I’m excited to be returning to my maiden name. Not only is this going to sever one more tie to my ex husband, but its also a chance to regain who I used to be. It was announced at our wedding that this change would be happening, my family was beyond excited. 

Years ago, my dad asked me why I put up with the ex’s bullshit like I did. He pointed out that if my brother ever acted like that, I’d beat him down – its a good question. And one I never had an answer to.

I’m looking forward to this change being the final step in getting my life back and putting an abusive and draining marriage behind me. 

 

 

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged ,
21 Aug 2012
4 Comments

To enforce or not to enforce?

Found out yesterday from the Hawaii sheriff that the ex was NOT served. Which makes me think two things.

1. wow his crazy spouting about wanting me to stop messing with his life, and talking about child support are truly out of the blue and have no basis at all in any realm of reality.

2. Dammit! now I’ve got to track him down in South Dakota!

However, this is a motion to enforce the rules that are already in place, in about 4 months, he’ll no longer be a student, and I can go back to court to ask for child support…so I’m toying with the idea of just scrapping the motion to enforce and just wait till December and modify support AND visitation,  since clearly the visitation plan we have in place, isn’t working.

Not sure what the real life effects will be if I don’t push the enforcement…He may be back in November to take them for thanksgiving – its his year, but he’ll only get a week off from school, and he didn’t bother to come back and see them last year. So, its likely, he’ll be back after school is done in December, as he’s told my older son that he’ll be coming back to Maine after school is done. I really believe though that even if I pushed the motion to enforce, he would still come back here and do whatever he wants anyway, to hell with the court order.

Guess it’ll be something to think more about.

Posted in abuse, Divorce, kids, long distance parenting and tagged , , , ,
20 Aug 2012
2 Comments

Can’t seem to get it together today

I should be working…as I am at work and all. However, I just can’t seem to get it together today.

Maybe its…Monday? Summer coming to a close? Worrying about money? (finished school clothes shopping this weekend)

Well yes, all of those things…but also I’m worrying about whether or not the ex got served papers. I mailed them to Hawaii, then got a call from the sheriff there saying they couldn’t find him at the two addresses we had for him. A few days later the ex starts messaging me out of the blue which made me think that he did, indeed, get served. He also contacted my older son and had him delete all Facebook messages between them – I guess he doesn’t realize I already have everything from the last 2 years between them. 

Its taking forever for the sheriff to send the forms back to me either way – Hawaii to Maine, I guess it takes time. Hopefully, I won’t have to track him down in SD. Then, I’ll have to file them with the court, and pay the filing fee. I’ll have to wait patiently for a court date. I’ll have to take time off from work to go to court. I’ll have to deal with him while he tries to stop me from asking the court to please make him follow the visitation rules. There will be fall out from him. There always is. Blame, blame, blame. The kids will be involved some how. Just thinking about it all is exhausting. 

On the upside, he’s back in South Dakota. He told my son on Facebook today that today was the last first day of classes for him. Which means he is in his final semester of law school. Looking at his school calendar, finals end on December 15th. December 16th I’ll be filing modification paperwork with the court asking for child support. Significant change in circumstance: He is no longer a student. Finally. 

Its hard to not let this stuff be in my head. I know I need to deal with it as it comes, but that’s the difference between normal people and people like my ex…he’s always scheming and planning and trying to  ‘win’ or ‘get back at me’…I’m tired of always being on guard. 

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , ,
17 Aug 2012
1 Comment

I found this post on a blog I recently started following. Thought these were all great ideas, not just for those who are divorcing, but also for those of us who have to continually deal with exes who have personality disorders.

Posted in Uncategorized
16 Aug 2012
15 Comments

Venting

Im going to respond to this here, rather than let it roll around in my head any longer.

X:‎ 350 for school clothes? Really? I have no doubt that our income back in the day was less and they always had significantly more than that….

Really? its 350 A PIECE! Not total, dummy. Thats 700.00 on back to school, only FOUR MONTHS before Christmas. Do you want to help pay for it?  You know, since you’ve paid for nothing for the last two years. 

 

X:‎ I guess it comes down to priorities doesn’t it

 

 

Again with attacking my priorities – which have been, since the moment i found out i was pregnant, the kids. 
But, all I can say is:  X, thanks for your input, if you would like to discuss contributing to purchasing back to school clothes, please feel free to email me

 

X:‎ I was just wondering… ya know you hand picked your internet guy, your living the dream – you got that wedding day that you spent all those years with me dreaming about, so why do you feel the need to keep messing with me. I am simply trying to pick up the pieces and move on with my life. You took the world from me and now they are being raised by someone else. Is it that you think you are somehow entitled to money from me based on your actions and what you did to all of us? And how much money do you think I really have as a STUDENT anyway? seriously? I guess it is going to come down to this – if you want money I will not be able to afford to live in the state near the boys. no money means I will be around in their lives. What is more important (try to put their interests first when thinking about this)? I hope this is not based on jealousy or anything like that, because lets face it you were the one who made the decision… remember that – you didn’t want anything from me except for me to be gone. Which is what I have been trying to do.

 

 

Hand picked internet guy? I have no idea what that means. Like i had a pool of them to choose from to replace you? Yeah, that makes sense.
I never once, not even when I was a little girl, dreamed about a wedding. I had a wedding because when you’re in love, oddly, you want to share it with your friends and family, which is what I did. I never felt like that when I was with you. 
Messing with you? Oooh! Did you get served court papers? And being all upset about money? Did you even read the court papers? Its motion to enforce VISITATION RULES. Nothing at all to do with child support. 
I’m not entitled to your money, that would be called alimony, or spousal support…thought you were a law student? However, your CHILDREN are entitled to being financially supported by BOTH parents. That includes you. You have no money? Because you’re a student? Oh boo hoo. Maybe you should get a job, you know, like everyone else who has responsibilities does. 
You’re giving me a choice about how you interact with your kids? Seriously? You are an idiot. 
Suggesting I’m jealous? Of what? Your sad, lonely single life? No one to love and not one to love you? No kid baseball games or track meets to go to? No staying up worrying about them when they are out late? No taking them out to lunch? Yeah, I dont think jealous is what I am. More like grateful and unbelievably happy. 
I chose not to respond, but then he said:
X:‎ This is the most communication i have had with you in over a year and you have nothing to say?
So, my answer was: As requested previously, please only contact me through email.

 

X:‎ seriously, just tell me what you want

 

 

 

X:‎ money or me to be around for the kids? straight up easy

 

 

I want you to be something you aren’t capable of being. It has nothing to do with money or physical presence in the kids lives. The fact you are even trying to engage me in conversation right now makes me want to vomit. 
 

 

X:‎ so rather than just discuss this with me you would prefer to go the longer, harder route? This speaks volumes and it is noted

 

 

“this speaks volumes” and “noted” or “documented” are his key phrases. Noted? how? with who? why? You’re an idiot. 
Posted in abuse, Divorce, kids, long distance parenting
15 Aug 2012
2 Comments

And now for something completely different…

Rather than talking about the stupid crap my ex does, I thought today I’d write about something a little different. 

I was so unaware about the whole concept of personality disorders or the prospect of things totally spiraling out of control. I never imagined that my ex would become someone I’d rather commando crawl a mile over broken glass than have to have any type of interaction with. 

In reading other people’s blogs, specifically http://onemomsbattle.com/, I realized I wasn’t alone. And now that I’ve been away from my ex for more than 2 years, and am in a HEALTHY AND NORMAL relationship, its interesting to read people’s stories to see how they are navigating this maze. 

There are similarities for all of us. 

*We repeat the same pattern when we’re divorcing of trying to placate the crazy person.

We try, like we’ve done for too many years, to keep things calm and as civil as possible. However, the harder we try, the worse the crazy gets…because what they really want it for things to stay exactly the same.  How dare you rock the boat?! Who do you think you are, upsetting MY life?! How dare you create a spectacle like this?! We try to reason and use logic. Eventually, we realize this is pointless. 

 

*We are focused on our kids. Wanting what is best for them.

I was lucky in this regard. Being so naive about what I was dealing with – I really wanted to believe that he’d find a way to be a father. I never suggested that he shouldn’t have them the same amount of time that I have them. I clearly hadn’t realized what was in store. However, I think that my pushing him to have them was the exact reason he didn’t want the responsibility…because I expected it of him. And after reading so many other women’s stories – I am so thankful that he’d rather take out massive loans to pay for his own personal needs and whims instead of fighting with me about what is best for our children. I truly believed that my kids would have a father. I think that’s been the worst part of all this. 

 

*We can’t believe how crazy they are.

We can’t fathom the lengths they go to to lie and put on a show for everyone else. We can’t believe how much they don’t care for their own children, only using them as pawns to control us, or to feel like great parents for the world to see. We don’t understand how people can believe the lies that are being spread about us, our character, our parenting. Slowly, we believe it. We hate it, but we begin to expect it. 

 

*We had no idea that being divorced from someone like this would change our lives the way that it has.

We can’t imagine that we’d have to fight like this, for our kids safety, health and mental well being. For our own sanity. We had no idea that we appreciate the quiet and calm times when things feel ok and the crazy subsides. We didn’t have any idea how much abuse, hate, spite and anger we would have to endure at the hands of someone who claimed they loved us. I was lucky to find someone in my new husband that made me realize not all men are like my ex. 

The people at work say to me “Wow, and you had no idea it would be like this, did you?” Almost insinuating that perhaps dealing with this kind of crazy is somehow worse than being married. This is the mentality of people who have never dealt with someone like my ex.

 

* We are unbelievably relieved when we realize we are not alone. 

There are thousands of people dealing with the same thing I am. Such a weight was lifted off of me when I realized there is a name for this! There are other people going through this too! I’m not alone! I’M NOT THE CRAZY ONE! When that happened for me, that was when I really started to feel like this was something I could handle and deal with. This is something that will not control me. One interaction at a time…it has gotten easier. 

 

 

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