Looking Forward

Making a better life for me and my kids

Archive for the month “July, 2012”

31 Jul 2012
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Facebook Friend Request

For my younger son’s birthday in June he was allowed to create a Facebook page. He added family, friends, etc. He sent a ‘friend request’ to his father. 

Almost two months passed, and finally I guess he decided to speak to his son. This is what I found in my 12 year old son’s inbox:
Glad to finally see you on here. I only have a few simple rules for online with me buddy – same ones I have for your brother. I absolutely do not want to see pictures of your mother or him on your page. I do not want to know or hear anything about them at all. No exceptions period. I dont want to be surprised by finding any of that stuff on your page when I go to check your page and talk to you. If you can do that for me great, if not it is ok too I just wont be on here with you. I hope you understand that I really do love and miss you and want to use this as a place we can talk, but I have to make sure that I protect myself as well and somethings are just not healthy for me. I hope to hear from you soon – love Dad 

After seeing this yesterday, I talked to my son.

“I saw that dad tried to talk to you on facebook the other day. I feel like what he was saying to you was…..”

my son interrupted with “Inappropriate?!” 

Me: “yes, very inappropriate. I wanted to remind you that your facebook is yours. As long as you are being appropriate, you can have pictures of whatever you like and be friends with people you know.”

Son: “Ok good, can you delete dad? I tried to, but I’m still friends with him.”

Me: “We can do that, or you can talk to him and let him know that the things he’s saying to you make you uncomfortable.”

Son: “nah, I just want to delete him. can you do that for me?”

Me: “Sure, I’ll do it for you in the morning.”

Its just unbelievable how its all about him. Even facebook has to be all about him. His page, the kid’s pages…its just disgusting. 

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23 Jul 2012

Spraying a hornets nest

I have to file court papers. I need to let him know that I’m not going to let him make his own rules and defy the court orders that I worked so hard to get installed in the first place. I have my “Motion to Enforce” paperwork sitting here ready to go. 

I need to call the sheriff in Hawaii to talk to him about the process of having my ex served, how much its going to cost, and how to make it happen. I don’t want to say I’m scared about this – but I certainly am nervous. This is what is so frustrating. 

I like when he’s gone, when he’s MIA living his own life as far away from me and the boys as possible. I like when he leaves us all alone. I hate to stir crap up by serving him papers. Letting him know that I’m not going to just take his behavior and let it slide and mess up my life – it needs to be done. But, of course, it invites a response. It invites an opinion. It makes him focus his anger and hate back onto me, and honestly, I’m so tired of it. Its exhausting. 

I could not say anything. I could save my money and myself the effort of going through the process of filing MORE court papers.  I could just keep my fingers crossed that he’ll just never come back here. That he’ll just move on and stay in Hawaii and leave us all alone. But, I’ve learned, as soon as I start feeling like I know what’s going to happen next, that’s when I get blindsided and find myself wishing I’d taken measures to prevent his ability to screw with us. 

So, that’s why I’ll have to file these forms, even though it feels an awful lot like I’m getting ready to spray a hornets nest with a garden hose. 

 

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10 Jul 2012

Now what?

He’s gone now. Off to Hawaii to live on a friends couch and intern and a crappy little law firm.
But not before I got a phone call screaming at me, swearing at me, calling me names…loud enough for my two sons, and their two friends to hear every word of it in the car. And the email, the lovely parting ways email that tells me that him not seeing his kids is my fault.

I don’t know what to do next. I want to file forms to have the court help to enforce our court order that he has to give me notice. I want someone to see that he’s breaking all the rules, and that its hurting the kids. I want the court to see this. I want it to be documented. I want someone to hold him responsible.
But…
It costs money to have him served, it costs money to file the forms, and it’ll cost money to do mediation. And for what? So he can ignore the new rules? Ignore the judge telling him to knock it off? So he can keep being a bullying, irresponsible, jerk to me an the kids?

Yes. I cant determine what he’ll do (though his playbook is pretty shallow) but I need to let people know that he’s hurting the kids with this behavior…and get whatever help we can to make it stop.

I wish this was easier.

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07 Jul 2012

Concert, Baseball & Family Reunion

The day he decided to come back from Europe and not tell anyone but A. He tried to take A to a concert without me knowing. When I found out, I emailed him and said that I’d be happy to drive A where he needed to be, but he needed to give me some information. I had emailed him 3 times, texted him and instant messaged him. I heard back from none of these attempts.

From: Me
Sent: Friday, July 06, 2012 11:27 AM
To: X
Subject: A

A asked me to email you again. I am willing to bring him in town this evening, but I have to hear back from you about your plans for him.
I need to know where he will be staying overnight, and how he will be getting to Mansfield in the morning. I can take him to his game, but I’d need to know that you aren’t making other arrangements, and where I’d need to pick him up.

Thanks,
Stacey

_____________________________

I took A in town to meet his father. On the way, I called his father, I got an ear full of swearing, name calling, etc. A still wanted to go to the concert. A was mad at me, mad that I wouldn’t just let him do what he wanted, why does dad have to talk to you, why can’t you just drop me off!? Nothing like putting me in the middle. I didn’t want to say no, but I also wanted to hold his father responsible for his son. I did swear, I did use the ‘F’ word. But I didn’t tell A to F off. I said something more like “Give me an F’ing break”.
On top of that, X been trying to get A to coordinate D joining X at a family reunion. (Keeping in mind this whole thing is happening in the middle of the baseball All Star tournament that A is part of. We all go to the games, D included. Its a family thing, to be supportive of each others activities.) A mentioned it to me, I asked D if he wanted to go. D did not. He wanted to go to A’s game, but said he’d “think about it.”
D was in the car listening to his father scream at me on the phone, telling me I’m whore and a piece of shit. I asked D again the following day if he wanted to go to the family reunion. He was adamant that he did not. Here is the email X sent me the day after the concert, the day of the family reunion.

From: X
To: Me
Sent: Saturday, July 7, 2012 10:46 PM
Subject: RE: A

This is not working. If you feel the need to not allow D the opportunity to see me there is nothing I can do about that. If you change your mind feel free to give my mother a call before 8:30 (xxx-xxxx) Sunday morning and I am sure she can pick him up and drop him off. I understand my family may not be as rich as the one you found online, but they are his real relatives and he might actually be thankful he met them someday. As far as the lists of things you need to have from me regarding him seeing me, I am not playing you passive aggressive games anymore – feel free to spin that anyway you like to those friends you might still have or family who will listen (maybe the abandonment theme will still make you feel better when telling your story). I could care less. The crap you pulled with A and the concert was unnecessary but expected and just helps lead me to certain conclusions regarding my future involvement in the boys lives. I will say that I find it inappropriate to tell your child to fuck off at anytime let alone in a car full of other children. About as inappropriate as not having a clue where your child is every weekend. And one other thing, A was surprised to learn that you turned down getting out of the lease – his guess was that you finally realized just how good of a deal you got when you were taking advantage of me. Whatever, you are who you are. You may have many others fooled but I refuse to be one of them anymore. I hope to see D tomorrow, but I will not hold my breath. It certainly is all about control isnt it…

Posted in abuse, co-parenting, crazy making, Divorce, kids, parenting | Leave a comment
05 Jul 2012
4 Comments

Speechless

Back in February my ex called my youngest son. The converstaion seemed to be awkward, with my son almost sitting on my lap for most of it. He’s 11. Talking to his dad shouldn’t make him feel this uncomfortable.

Anyway, there had  be talk of the ex getting rid of his phone. The email i recieved said something to the effect of “The kids never call, so there is no sense in my keeping my phone.”

During this phone call with my son, my son asked “Do you have a new phone number?” and Dads answer was “I do, but I’m trying to keep it on the down low.”

About a week later I called his number, and sure enough the recording told me that the number was no longer in service.

Recently, he’s made comments to our older son about ‘texting’ or ‘calling’ or his ‘number being blocked still’ on our older sons phone. This led me to wonder, why is still making everyone think he doesnt have a phone? So, my husband called my ex’s old number. And wouldnt you know it? It went directly to my ex’s voice mail – complete with my ex’s voice saying his own name.

What the heck? The only reason for this would be that he blocked our home number. So when the home phone calls his cell phone, we’re told the number is not in service.

My guess is that it was to teach the kids a lesson. To show them that if they dont want to talk to him when HE wants to  talk, then they dont get to talk to him at all. Plus, this way I have no way to contact him other than email. He is a very sick man. Clearly.

 

Posted in abuse, Divorce, kids, long distance parenting
05 Jul 2012

Court order

The court order clearly states that my ex is to give me 7 days notice in the event he wants to see his kids. He can have them from Sunday to Wednesday (or whenever he likes as long as he clears it with me first.)
According to his Facebook page, he is back in the state. I have heard nothing from him, other than idle threats about evicting us from the house we rent from him.

He, however, has been talking to our older son. He told him to find a way to come to his uncle’s house on Friday, that they’d meet up there and go to a concert together. Here is the converstaion:

 
Dad:
alright – well I am in town for a few days only. I have tickets to Rascall Flats if your interested in going
 
Are you in maine now?
 
Dad:
I am
 
Son:
Shanes?
 
Dad:
not at the moment
 
Where are you now?
 
Dad:
staying with a friend
 
Son:
Ok, well do you have a way to text me?
 
Dad:
I dont think so because I am still blocked on your phone
 
No, you’re not blocked on my phone. But I will, be on facebook mobile, if you’re in town tonight we can probably work something out
 
Dad:
I will be back around Friday I believe – are you interested in the concert?
 
Son:

Yeah, I like them
 
Dad:
alright I wont offer to take someone else then – plan on meeting me at Shanes sometime Friday ok
 
Ok
 
Dad:

I have some business stuff that I will need to take care of friday morning, but will have the rest of the day off after that:)
 
Son:
Ok, 1 sound good friday?
 
Dad:
Have a great fourth bud – be safe and I love ya. Any word from your brother? Maybe he can find some time this coming Sunday?
 
I will let him know that you want to see him on sunday
 
Dad:
alright – thanks bud – ttyl
 
Son:

ttyl
 
So, I’ve sat down with both of the kids seperately and explained to them both, again, that the court made a rule that we both have to follow about Dad letting me know when he wants to spend time with them, and I havent heard ANYTHING from him. So I know they want to see dad and stuff, but dad has to follow the rules like everyone else. I said I wasn’t trying to keep them away from their dad, in fact, if dad would let me know what the plan is for his time here with the kids, I’d take the older son in town to Shane’s on Friday so he could go to a concert. I want them to be able to see their dad, but dad HAS to follow the rules.
They both agreed and seemed to grasp what I was saying. 
My younger son was clearly disturbed by the news that dad was around, talking to his brother, but not him. Im sure being ignored by your own father is a pretty terrible thing for a kid to have to go through. He tried to add his dad on his Facebook page, but dad hasn’t responded to his request – that was over 3 weeks ago. Im sure its also irritating to have your dad back around in the area and choosing to stay with friends instead of finding a way to see his boys.
 
 Its so frustrating. There has to be an easier way.
Posted in abuse, Divorce, kids, long distance parenting | Leave a comment

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