Looking Forward

Making a better life for me and my kids

Archive for the month “March, 2012”

23 Mar 2012

Everything is a secret.

So, now he’s blocked my email. Our court order says that email is our main mode of contact. He also changed his phone number. I emailed him at his school address, which I found by googling his name and the state he is currently in. So, now all emails I send are to his yahoo address and his school address. This got a response. I asked if he had summer plans to see the boys, if he could let me know so I could be sure not to schedule the kids for that time. He told me he doesnt understand why I think its ok to contact him. Im the reason for this situation. He doesnt have to talk to me. If he was going to do any scheduling, he’d do it with our older son. Which the court order says NOT to do.

He FaceBook chatted with A, saying it was “pathetic” that I was asking about his summer plans and “I dont think people understand that I have no intentions of being in the same room, communicating with her, or anything for the rest of my life. Why is that hard to get?” Why is he talking to my son about that?

Then he wrote:  “July 10 – the 23rd – are the dates I am looking to try to fly you out to Maui. Just have to make sure I can come up with the funds, but I am opptimistic that that I can make it happen 🙂 Just keep it on the down low and make sure you are not doing anything those days. I have a feeling that certain people will make that difficult for you, but those are the dates – if you can’t go everyone will know why. We didnt cause this situation, but this is where we are and we just have to make the best of it all. Future is bright for both of us my boy! Love ya – have a great day my man”

So, I guess he wants to go back to court so I can express my concerns about his language and content of conversation to the magistrate. Awesome.

Posted in abuse, Divorce, kids, long distance parenting | Leave a comment
09 Mar 2012

a few things I’ve learned…

I don’t regret the time I spent married. I have two wonderful boys from that life. I learned a lot of things about life, about relationships and mostly about myself.

I’ve learned that:

my happiness is my responsibility. My spouses happiness is his.

you can’t truly give of yourself if you don’t love yourself.

excuses are useless. Action is what matters.

of the 7 billion people in the world, there are only 5 people whose opinion matters to me.

just because I was married to someone who couldn’t be bothered to take the time to get to know me, doesn’t mean I’m not worth knowing.

family loves you – always.

not all people are bad.

I have had to be stronger than anyone should ever need to be – and it came naturally.

some people are worth second chances. Some are not.

getting a divorce was the best thing I’ve ever done – even when it was scary and life felt uncertain.

being in love with my best friend doesn’t make me a whore. it makes me lucky.

life is good, and fun, and hard….and nothing to be afraid of.

I hope my kids learn to be strong and to take care of themselves. I hope my kids don’t ever feel like they owe someone happiness. And I hope they embrace the idea that their own happiness is no ones responsibility but their own.

Posted in Divorce, kids | Leave a comment
01 Mar 2012

Mentally Ill

Realizing that he is mentally ill has helped me to move forward with understanding and working on the new relationship I have with my ex husband.
He shouts and flies off the handle. He takes every email I send him and twists it into an injustice, and makes it all about how he’s being hurt or made to suffer.
He has a very limited relationship with our youngest son. He hasnt called to talk to him in over 5 weeks now, and still finds a way to blame me for that.
He talks to our oldest son the same way one would talk to a spouse. Looking for support and validation. There is no parenting there, only an attempt at being friends.

None of these things are normal behavior for an adult who has been divorced for almost two years now. This, however, IS normal behavior for someone with a personality disorder.

I don’t feel badly for him. We all can change if we want to stop living in a cycle of pain and bitterness. He doesnt want to. He doesnt want to hear that he’s wrong or mistaken. He believes everything he says – I am out to ruin his life, I need be miserable because of what a terrible person I am, because of how I lied and betrayed him.
I lived with his abusiveness for 13 years. I am not a terrible person.

Dealing with him now is much different than before. I realized there was a name for why he acts like he does. I can read up on it. I’ve learned what to expect and how to deal with him to preserve my sanity. It gives me more power and control over my life to finally understand that in order to feel sane, he must make me feel crazy. But the reality is, I’m NOT the crazy one. I never was.

Posted in abuse, Divorce, long distance parenting, Uncategorized and tagged | Leave a comment

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