The first year
For a long time I held onto the idea that if I made every effort that I could, he would eventually find a way to be a parent. Him being across the country made me think that his behavior was some how being distorted, and that once he came back to see his kids, he’d be different.
He left in August of 2010, he called the kids a few times a week but was met with them not feeling very chatty. This was a transition for them. They needed parents who understood this is hard for all of us in different ways. However, when they’d talk to him on the phone he’d tell them how sad he was all the time, and reminding them not to forget who their REAL father was. Eventually, he’d call 2 times a week, then once a week….when I’d tell him he needs to be consistent, he needs to call, even if they dont want to talk, he still needs to make the effort he said No. “No, I dont want to talk to my kids if they dont want to talk to me. ” More than once he told BOTH of the kids “I’m not calling again! If you want to talk to me, then YOU call me!” and he’d hang up on them.
He’d tell me the kids hated him and its my fault. I should have been making them call their father every day. Funny thing is though, I’d ask them every day, sometimes 2 times a day “Wanna give you dad a call?” and they’d say no. I’m not going to force them to call him and listen to him whine about how difficult his life is and how I forced him to move to South Dakota. Yes, he told them that.
I explained to D that there are kid jobs and parent jobs. Calling you every day to see how you are is a parent job. No matter how busy you are. You can call dad if you want, whenever you want, but you dont HAVE to.
Over the next year things deterioated more and more. Skype seemed to work for a while. We had some computer issues off and on, his impatience when it wouldn’t work immediately was frustrating for all of us. He always thought we should all drop our lives to cater to him when he felt like trying to talk to the kids. They felt it was unfair for him to just up and leave, then expect them to make all the effort to keep up contact. ‘If you loved me you’d call more often’ was a typical mentality for him and them.
Once my boyfriend moved from another state to Maine, and was temporarily staying with us (after I’d made sure the kids didnt have any major objections), Skype stopped all together. He said he “didnt want to see moms boyfriend in the house.” Everytime the kids ever had contact with their father we were always VERY respectful of their space…but he demanded the kids to be down the hall in their room before he would talk to them. He’d tell me that was because the kids can’t be themselves if I’m around them. I’d later find out it was because he was pressuring the kids to tell him how much they hate me and hate living here.
June 2011 he returned to the state to see the kids. The divorce was vauge saying he could have contact with them at all reasonable times. He’d keep A for over a week at a time, not answering my calls, A texting me, telling me he wanted to stay with his dad and not come home. It was terrible. D, however, found it very difficult to be with his dad and brother and spent more time home with me.
At the end of June he left to go to China for ‘law school classes’. He was gone for 6 weeks. Upon his return, he took A and didn’t bring him back. Wouldnt asnwer my calls. I would text A every day and say I hoped he had a good day, that we missed him and I love you. He’d occasionally replay with “you dont love me!” or “why?” or no response at all. At points he’d tell me if I loved him I’d buy him things, I’d give him money, etc. I held firm. No, no video games, no cell phones, etc.
I demanded, with a weeks notice that A be returned to me for a family dinner. I asked my brother and sister in law to call or text A and tell them they were looking forward to seeing him, hoping that would intice him to show up. At 4pm the day I was supposed to pick him up, A texted me and told me he wasn’t coming. He was in another city all togehter, and wouldn’t be back in time.
Dinner went on without him, everyone but A was there. My sister in law said “oh yeah, A told me he wasn’t going to be able to make it to dinner because his dad was taking him whale watching.” This was news to me. And news to D who said “whale watching?! I want to go whale watching. Dad knows how much I love sea animals, why didnt I get to go?” It was like someone kicked me in the stomach.
I went to court and filed the paperwork to ask for child support and to modify visitation. This set up was clearly not working. My normally polite and happy teenager was turning into someone I didn’t know anymore. He thought it was ok to disrepect me, to ignore me, to bascially treat me the same way his father was treating me. He blew off the beginning of the football tryouts, which he’d been DYING to play football since he was 5. I read up on Parental Alientation Syndrome. I felt, 100% this is what was happening to my son. I felt so helpless, I had no way to stop it. The only thing that helped was knowing that classes would start back up at the end of August. He was going to leave at some point.
A was with him when he got served by a sherrif. He told A everything, showed him all the paperwork and went on and on about how i was just trying to get money out of him, that I didnt really need it, I was just being greedy. A called me and was pissed, why was I doing this to his dad? why was I being so greedy?! A also let me know that he had, as his father requested, written a letter to the court.
The day his dad left to return to South Dakota there was an envelope in my mailbox. It was his “response to my request for modification.” It was 8 pages long. Whining. Complaining. Accusing. After wading through it we decided to talk to a lawyer. We were told “Sometimes its the people who have just a little information that are the most dangerous. And right now, he has a little information.” We got some good ideas from our consult. We made lists, gathered our paperwork and waited for our court date.
Looking Forward 