A home
In August of 2001 we moved into our brand new home. It was a two story cape with three bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, a livingroom and kitchen. I was happy to have enough space for the boys to play outside and in their own rooms.
The upstairs was our bedroom, bathroom and a computer room / office. Everything else was downstairs. He was the first of his friends to own his own home, he had everything he needed. The idea of maintaing relationships with his friends or family, or maintaining the house or the grounds wasnt something that he thought was his job. I mowed, weeded, painted, fixed walls, ripped up carpets, laid tile…I could do it all!
At this point, we’d been married for four years. He’d gained 50 pounds easily – blaming me and my pregnancies for making him eat. We had almost no contact with any of our (or his) friends anymore. Offers to go out, to visit, to have people over – there was always a reason not to.
A friend of mine moved back to Maine from Iowa. She’d been gone for four years. Her oldest girl was 2 months older than my oldest. We’d really missed each other. My attempts to drive to where she lived (2 hours away) were met with him sulking. He’d demand that I find a babysitter for the boys. If I had some place I wanted to go, suddenly, he did too. It was usually more than I could take, and I’d often cancel my plans with her at the last minute. So tired of being made to feel guilty because I wanted to see my friend. He made having friends so much work, it often wasnt worth it.
He was convinced we’d talk about him, or we’d go out and sleep with other men. When he found out that she was getting a divorce herself, I wasnt to see her anymore – she was a bad influence. I should have all I need at home. A brand new house! A husband, a family…just like I wanted. All the fight had been sucked out of me. Yes. Fine. I have everything I need right here.
More and more time was spent upstairs on the computer or in our bedroom watching tv. If I wasnt there he’d be irritated with me, saying we should spend more time together. If the kids came up and knocked on the door he’d holler at them “Go downstairs!” He hated being bothered.
When christmas came I’d try to make a point to do family activites together, making cookies, ornaments, collages from magazines…he NEVER particpated. He was always too tired or jsut wanted to unwind. The boys and I did everything together. I’d try to encourage him to take the kids out christmas shopping….just the boys. But he never would.
There were days he’d drive right by the daycare and not stop and pick them up. I’d get home and ask where the boys were “Oh crap, I must have forgotten.” So I’d go out to get them myself.
He was so unengaged and unwilling to participate. It was hard for me to understand. He’d frequently say “I cant wait for them to be older so I can do things with them.” He didnt understand that they wont want to do anything with you later if you dont do things with them now.
I was responsible for everything and everyone in the house. If laundry wasnt done becasue I was sick, it stayed not done until I was better. He’d say he’d done enough of his own laundry when he lived with his mother, he didnt want to do it anymore.
Over time he packed on the weight. By Novemeber 2009 he weighed 380lbs. This was clearly a man who was unhappy. he hated himself. if he hates himself there is no way he can love anyone else.
Looking Forward 