The day I should have left…
It was a stressful day – why – i dont recall anymore – but i do remember feeling just totally dragged out. We’d moved into our tiny house, our baby was toddling around so he was maybe 2 at this time.
By the end of the day, pizza is what had made the supper menu. After its delivery we sat in the living room, as usual, eating off of the coffee table, and sitting on the couch. There was no place for the baby, so he stood at the coffee table chewing on some pizza crust. He toddled the length of the coffee table and attempted to swipe something off of his fathers plate. I watched it all unfold, the loud “NO!” from his father, then his giant hands on the baby’s chest, he flew back about a foot and landed on his butt. He hadnt pushed the baby away, he’d SHOVED him down. Reflexively I stood up and said “What the hell was that?! you cant just knock him down like that! He wasnt doing anything wrong!” Then he stood up to challenge me. “You dont want me to push him?! How about you?” He shoved me, and I stumbled backwards onto the arm of the couch, I tried to stand up and he pushed me again “I said how about you?! Would you rather I push you?!” I stood up and he shoved me one last time and I hit the wall making a really big hole in it with my backside – he’s hollering “If you dont want me pushing him, then I guess I’ll have to push you!”
I sat on the floor in shock. what the hell just happened? Seriously? He walked into the kitchen and started pacing and crying “What did you make me do?!” and “I cant believe you let that happen!”
Me? What? I stood up and said “If you ever touch me or him again, I’ll kill you.” Everything inside of me told me to run. Get my shit, get the baby and just leave. But I just kept hearing the threat he’d made only months before “If you ever think of leaving me, you’ll never see your son again!” I was scared. He’d spent the last 2 years making me feel like I couldnt trust myself, my instincts. Things were totally out of control. I felt totally alone and crazy and trapped. There was a giant hole in the wall. How do I get out of this mess? Where do I go? I dont want to tell anyone about this…
I held my baby until things calmed down, we finished our pizza while his father paced the kitchen, in an obvious state of panic.
Years later I’d reference this incident when talking about how I didnt feel like our relationship was particularly solid, as something that made me fearful and untrusting of him. His response was “you’ve gotta get over it. I said I was sorry.”
Looking Forward 