Don’t you want a family?
September 1996 we got engaged.
A trip to the jewelry store, he asked me “which one do you like?”
I pointed, “that one’s nice”
“Well try it on, see if its your size.” I tried it on, it was.
“Do you want it?” He asked. The women behind the counter were silent.
“Are you serious?” I said.
“Well yeah, if you want it”.
…diamonds, sparkley, shiny, expensive….”Yeah, sure!” I said
the women behind the counter were squealing about how romantic and what a nice surprise….thats when it dawned on me. I’d just gotten engaged. Oh crap. After our Florida trip, I was feeling uneasy about things with him….but I remembering having the very distinct thought “Engagment…I can still get out of this.”
I never wanted kids. They were SO much responsibility and work. My mom had run a daycare out of our home for much of my childhood. I knew how much effort they were. I was clear with him about this – that I didnt think I wanted kids. I was on birth control pills, as he refused to use condoms now that we were back in Maine. I said I needed to make an appointment to get them refilled. Later that night, as we were ‘messing around’ I asked about if he had a condom, and he suggested we have a baby. I said “what?!” and he said “it would be great, we’d be a family…didnt I want a family? Well yes, I did want a family, but I didnt think that necessarily meant kids. I felt like if I didnt go along with his plan, he’d leave me…he was offering to be my family – a pretty picture life with a husband and kids, a dog a house….
October 1996 I found out I was pregnant.
When I found out I was shocked. I didnt think it was possible. (I was 19, and clearly an idiot on how easy it was to get knocked up). I didn’t want this responsibility. I wasn’t even sure about a future with the dude I was with. What was happening?! I was scared, and confused, and felt trapped. I told him…he was excited. But more like excited his plan was working, not so much about having an actual baby. Telling him, I didn’t feel relieved like I’d hoped I would.
I had to tell my parents. It was awful. I felt so ashamed and terrible. I went to where they both worked and told them. My dad turned around and just walked away. It was the worst day of my life. My parents were so disappointed in me.
Then we went to his mothers house next. We sat at the table. He got up to use the bathroom and said to her “She’s got something to tell you” then he left. I sat there and hollered “Um, no, I dont. You have something to tell her!” His mother looked at me, disgusted and said “oh just say it already!” like was wasting her time. So, i had to tell her I was pregnant. As soon as I’d said it, he returned. She looked at him and said “well I hope you plan on doing the right thing.” That was the end of the conversation.
Looking Forward 