cheers to my comfort zones!!

A comfort zone is a psychological state in which things feel familiar to a person, they are at ease and in control of their environment, experiencing low levels of anxiety and stress. When a person is in this zone, a steady level of performance is possible.

After the steady levels comes a level of stagnation, a lull in the environment, a decline in performance and the feeling of restlessness & anxiety.

I had a lengthy marriage with my comfort zones and when I stepped out of my comfort zone, I had certain realizations…

  • One does not grow and achieve a full potential if stuck in comfort zone. True that. I dedicated 10 years of my youth towards a job that I enjoyed thoroughly, never once did I feel challenged or overwhelmed or stressed.  I loved it so much that I did not think of enhancing my skills or talents. When I quit and had time to reflect about me, I realized – if I ever had the itch to go back to work and submit my resume, there was nothing of any merit or any difference, from the one paragraph resume I had written in haste just a day before I landed that Job! Being shattered is an understatement. I went through a mental agony of monstrous proportion feeling worthless and disappointed from my very core.
  • When life gets into a routine one will lose interest in self and the life one is leading. Who knows it better than me? I was bored sitting at home after being a busy body for 10 years. I got bored with the environment in the house, the social settings and my self-esteem was being battered. I was internalizing every word uttered, soaking in every nonverbal communication generously giving it a negative connotation. What do I do, nobody loves me, I’m worthless, I’m not a contributor were phrases that were constantly partying in my brain, compounding to stress related illnesses. A terrible phase to be in, crying, being socially shy, sleeping long hours during the day and staying awake like an owl all night searching for answers to my life.
  • When following the crowd doesn’t one get lost most times? Find your mojo! After I quit my job, I tried being an efficient home maker, a helicopter mom taking care of her cubs, attending social events etc. My blinkers were on 24/7, allowing the social set up around me decide the course of my life. I changed the way I interacted with others, compromised on my values and ethics and was gunning for an invisible perfection medal/badge. Phew, after couple of years of useless Shenanigan’s, I found my mojo.
  • By not taking a risk how will one know their strengths, capabilities and merits? As I was feeling emotionally drained and my self-esteem had journeyed and parked itself in an abyss, I was mentally paralysed. Then one day just out of the blue, I announced to the household that I was going to peruse my passion “Advocating a Positive Mental Health”. With my personal experiences as a handbook, I decided to join a course to learn tools and vocabulary to help others in their journey towards healthy mental habits. One of the best decisions taken by me when under tremendous stress. Not only did I discover my capabilities and strengths, I was able to connect holistically with the empath in me.

And here I’m knowing a lot about me, knowing that world is full of imperfections and it’s okay to be not okay & that comfort zones can become breeding grounds for unhealthy Defense Mechanisms.

I’m asked many a times why I share my personal stories in workshops, in group interactions and or with strangers? Well I think it helps me declutter, it allows me to feel more involved in the world, by giving it away I believe it helps others in understanding their narratives.

https://www.instagram.com/counsellor.wellwisher/

Vaping: My Personal Experience and the Negative Effects

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The Power of Altruism

A remarkable and potent trait that exists in people is altruism, which is the selfless concern for the welfare of others. People have an innate desire to support, uplift, and assist those around them, frequently without expecting anything in return. The amazing effects of selflessness on people and communities will be highlighted as we explore the idea of altruism through personal examples in this article.

A Helping Hand in Times of Crisis

In the face of adversity, altruism shines brightly, offering a ray of hope and support. On September 30, 1993, Lathur, a district in Maharastra, India, was gripped by a devastating earthquake. My father, serving in the paramilitary, was called overnight to travel to the affected site with his battalion. Those were the days when there was no cell phone and calling on a landline was not feasible due to the devastation. Considering the fact that my father had to manage his everyday affairs as a commanding officer and a responsible officer at the devastated site, with unwavering determination he plodded along, removing humans and other living bodies, alive and dead, from under the debris while assisting his troops in food, shelter, and comfort management. This selfless act by my father taught me an important life lesson. His selflessness not only saved lives but also brought solace to those in distress, reminding us of the power of compassion and kindness in challenging times.

Empowering Lives Through Mentorship:

Altruism can also manifest through mentorship, where individuals share their knowledge and expertise to uplift others. My story comes into the picture here. When I started my second stint in my career, I was clueless about the retail industry I had joined. After a couple of days at the new company, I was given the opportunity to organize an event running into lakhs of rupees, with the who’s who of the fashion industry partaking in it. I stood paralyzed in the middle of my would-be mentor’s office for the whole ten minutes, tears welling up in my eyes. With absolute compassion and empathy towards a new employee, my mentor dedicated an entire week to exposing me to the workings of his organization. He did not give up on me all through the event, empowering me with knowledge and confidence. For the next five years, not only was I mentored, but also two hundred employees of the organization got a slice of his knowledge, passion, and out-of-the-box thinking skills. Many of us have moved forward in our journey as individuals thanks to this one man’s extraordinary efforts to make us worthy. 

Acts of Kindness, Big and Small:

Altruism need not always be grand or extravagant; even the smallest acts of kindness can have a profound impact. This is something that came to light during the pandemic. The people in my neighbourhood whom I perceived as cold and heartless took it upon themselves to serve the elderly, cooking fresh home-cooked meals, buying everyday essential medicines, and calling up people who lived by themselves to lend their listening ears. This community and individual act of kindness is something that will be etched in the genetic memories of humanity. The smallest gestures can create a ripple effect of goodness.

Global Impact through Humanitarian Efforts:

Altruism extends far beyond individual acts, often culminating in large-scale humanitarian efforts that change lives on a global scale. Angelina Jolie, a well-known actress with a passion for serving underserved communities, travelled to remote regions affected by poverty and limited access to healthcare. Her selfless dedication and fame helped establish medical clinics, train local healthcare workers, and provide life-saving treatments to those in need during her stint as the Goodwill Ambassador for the United Nations. Her tireless efforts and dedication demonstrate the transformative power of altruism in improving the lives of communities that lack basic food, shelter, and clothing worldwide.

Everyday gestures: 

  1. Kin Altruism: letting a loved one have the last piece of cake, allowing a partner to wear your jacket when it’s cold, donating blood or a major organ to the sibling, caregiving a relative with chronic illness, taking up multiple jobs for a child’s education, grandparents co-parenting their grandchildren etc.
  2. Reciprocal altruism: helping your classmate with projects who helped you study, holding the elevator for a colleague who bought you food or coffee, watching your friend’s dog or puppy who babysat yours etc.
  3. Cultural Altruism: starting an NGO for a cause you care about, donating money to organizations that support your background, bringing food and refreshments for an event in your child’s school, picking up trash in the neighbourhood to keep the are clean etc
  4. Pure altruism: giving new clothes and new pair of shoes to someone in need, holding the door open for strangers, bringing a lost animal to a rescue or shelter, giving up seat for a pregnant lady, participating in fun activities in the geriatric centres, letting someone with fewer groceries go ahead of you etc.
  5. Animal kingdom altruism: Birds warning each other of predators, animals adopting other species orphaned babies etc.

Empathy is the foundation of altruism, which can be used as a foundation for sound moral conduits in an individual and the community. Each one of us is born with the innate capacity to be Altruistic.

Personal Boundaries

Prior to recent years, I had no concept of personal boundaries. I had a very callous attitude toward upholding my own dignity. When we disrespect ourselves by not having boundaries, who are we to complain about others squashing our boundaries? My parents surely did not teach me about personal boundaries using specific words and examples. I did not learn this tool to keep me emotionally healthy. 

When a crisis knocked on my door, I finally realized what had happened. I looked up how I could bring back my dignity and self-worth. That’s when I chanced upon an article on boundaries.  Personal boundaries are restrictions you place on yourself to protect your physical, emotional, and mental health. Consider some of the typical personal boundaries listed below:

  1. Boundaries around your body and physical space are referred to as physical boundaries. Examples include limiting how close people can stand or sit to you, not allowing them to touch you without your consent, and not allowing them to use your personal property without your permission.
  2. The boundaries you set around your emotions and feelings are called emotional boundaries. As an illustration, refrain from allowing others to criticize or denigrate you, place restrictions on the amount of emotional labor you are willing to perform for others, and refuse to put up with emotional abuse or manipulation.
  3. The limits you set on your time and schedule are known as your time boundaries. Saying no to commitments that conflict with your priorities, establishing time restrictions for social media use or work, and forbidding interruptions during your designated personal time are some examples.
  4. Your sexual preferences and behavior are constrained by your sexual boundaries. Examples include limiting the types of sexual activity you will engage in, refraining from uncomfortable sexual activity, and refusing to submit to any form of sexual coercion or pressure.
  5. The boundaries you set up around your possessions and tangible goods are known as material boundaries. Examples include not handing over cash or possessions without defining boundaries and expectations, placing restrictions on how much you’re willing to share or give away, and refusing to put up with theft or property damage.

It’s critical to keep in mind that everyone’s personal boundaries are unique and subject to change based on their values and life experiences. You must make a decision regarding your personal boundaries and make sure that others are aware of them. Be vocal about it. Don’t be ashamed of having one. Don’t be ashamed of it changing as you learn and unlearn new ways of living. 

Cheers

Toxic Grandparents

In our culture, grandparents are held in high regard, and the extended family is given priority.

Undoubtedly, there are many wonderful grandparents, but we also need to be aware of how many toxic grandparents there are.

A common misconception about grandparents is that they are just nice, old people who spoil and pamper their grandkids.

Grandparents who are toxic do exist. They are damaging. They can stir up trouble and cause harm to a household because they are manipulative, cunning, controlling, and self-serving.

So here’s the thing to note when you have the elderly at home:

  1. A grandparent’s role is not to challenge their children’s parenting styles but to fit into their family culture.
  2.  As a parent, you need to delegate to the grandparents, not the other way around.
  3. Grandparents belong to different generations. Understand that what was good for you might not necessarily be good for your kid. Don’t be blinded by love or social etiquette.
  4. Resist the urge to give in to a toxic grandparent’s insistence on spending time with the kids, regardless of your schedule or availability.
  5. Pay attention to whether the grandparents are ill or not; sometimes, they may be trying to win your sympathy when things aren’t going their way.
  6. Do not allow the grandparents to buy your child’s affection with money or gifts. That’s one of the many reasons why children tend to adore their grandparents.
  7. If you notice the grandparents choosing favorites among the grandchildren, call them out. This is how sibling rivalry grows, and the elderly are frequently the ones who benefit.
  8. Don’t encourage the grandparents in any way when playing “Who is the Best?” Teach your kids to treat their grandparents as they would any other family member. Don’t let the grandparent become the child’s favorite and steal their heart. No pity-meter encouragement here, please.

Be aware of the harm that interactions with emotionally unstable elders can do to your child’s social and emotional development.  

Follow your best interests. Given that every family is unique, you are the best person to decide how to handle the circumstance.

Men and Mental Health

Men and their mental health are something that I hardly thought about for the most part of my life until I chose to become a therapist/counsellor. All my life I have kept the company of men more than women, only because I find them more grounded, emotionally sorted and have logical reasoning capacity. Every time I’ve had to deal with a difficult situation in life, I’ve gone crying to my female friends. Still, when it comes to taking constructive decisions, I would always rely on male friends. 

This year there has been a lot of buzz on men and mental health, especially after the pandemic. Men have become more aware of themselves and are seeking tools for self-care and wellness. But it’s disheartening to note that they are in very small numbers. 

The primary mental health issues that men face are depression, eating disorders, anxiety, psychosis, schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. Of course, these issues are much graver and overwhelming but men suffer more because they do not do this stuff regularly:

  1. They do not share their childhood trauma most of the time with anyone.
  2. They do not talk about issues that they face in everyday life with parents, spouses, kids, in-laws, siblings, friends or co-workers.
  3. They do not cry because it’s not manly to cry.
  4. They do not talk about academic, sexual and social disappointments they have had in life.
  5. They do not talk about the intense grief they must have felt sometime in their life.
  6. Being vulnerable is alien to them.

So why don’t men talk about their emotional deficits openly?

When I asked my husband this question, because he is one of the many emotionally closed people I have met in life, he said there is no need to do drama like you women. We men can handle any form of emotional deficits in a much more logical and analytical manner. This is the same man whose EQ was at rock bottom when I had to undergo serious surgery. And with him were a bunch of few more men whom I looked up to for their wise decorum.

Why don’t men reach out when they are going through everyday anxiety and stress? What stops them?

  1. Men are taught early in their life to man up, to be tough, and not crack up or cry. The message most boys receive in their childhood through society is never to ask for help.
  2. For men, it becomes very difficult to admit that they need help. Their largely logical brains tell them that they can take care of it, even at the cost of lying awake many nights trying to figure out a solution. They are afraid to show that they need help and often use desperate steps to hide their turmoil.
  3. If a man chooses to seek help, he struggles to find help. If he does find help, he struggles to unchain himself from the thought that he is going to look stupid or weak in front of a stranger.
  4. Once they find a therapist and for some reason, they do not get along, it becomes difficult for them to look around for another one. They are embarrassed, disappointed, irritated and disillusioned. They also function with this mindset that what is this Therapist going to tell new that I already don’t know?
  5. Few male commoners speak about their struggles openly on a public platform. Celebrities have started coming out in large numbers to talk about their issues, but for a common man speaking up about his state of mind is a daunting task.
  6. They are suspicious about the authenticity of confidentiality and a non-judgemental listening ear. This issue men, I have faced numerous times while counselling them, who in turn end up judging me about my authenticity and capabilities. 

To the men out there, understand your struggle is real.

  • Feelings have no gender.
  • It’s okay to show your emotions, you will always be a man. 
  • Crying is good for health and tear ducts are not partial to women. 
  • Speaking up is courageous and you are not a burden.
  • Traditional gender roles need not be a stressor.
  • Social expectations about a man are lofty. Times are changing and so should your self-awareness.
  • As research shows that more men than women die of suicide, it’s time you take a call to action about your mental well-being.
  • Substance abuse is not something you resort to as a ready reckoner to solve your stressful issues. Seek help, there is help. Go shop for a therapist with whom you feel comfortable. No harm in indulging in some window shopping before you find the right therapist.
  • Partake in conversations about mental health on social media or public forums. These are places you can gather knowledge and feel safe in the company of many more men who are facing issues.

Men, your mental health is an investment, not an expense!

Gratitude

Today was a day filled with myriad emotional experiences – awesome, excited, elated, gratified, humbled…

Attached is a picture of a lady enjoying her cigar.

I’ve used this picture many a times as my WhatsApp status message. I kept wondering who this lady was..isn’t she so cool, so living her life…will be honest though, never made any attempts to find out her existence.

Browsing through TV channels early in the morning, to my utter surprise she was there right on the screen laughing and posing and enjoying her cigar in a series called “Extreme Fishing – Cuba” along with the host Robson Green.

She was so in my face, my excitement knew no bounds. I was elated like I had found something so precious to me …
Words cannot express the feeling I had right then, that moment when I heard her laughter and saw her puff the cigar and blow out the smoke on to the camera….

Gratitude

Every morning, walking down the street to take the public transport I cross a Govt. School for the underprivileged children.

Today, as I passed by school, the Indian National Anthem was playing and to my surprise the entire road stood still. Everybody and anybody on the road or by the roadside were standing in attention more so those school children.

The absent minded me did not realize what was happening till I crossed a point on the street. Patriotism was at it’s democratic best and standing in attention amongst the school kids were the two wheeler riders & the motorists all being still besides or inside their vehicles, shopkeepers, hawkers, pedestrian, a barber too had stopped cutting a clients hair and was standing in attention…

This is the first time I’ve experienced something so inspiring, passionate and patriotic towards the Indian National Anthem, on a busy Indian street. I’m humbled and proud to have been a witness & participant to such patriotism.

Gratitude

There was more to come today…

I was watching a WhatsApp shared video on my phone while in the public transport. I noticed my co passenger a young girl looking into my phone. I played the video again and involved her in watching the same.
The contents of the video made us yelp in surprise together in tandem!
While she alighted the bus, she kept turning back giving me the most engaging smile. She took time off to wait at the bus stop, look back at me and waved a bye with a huge parting smile.

Sharing is rewarding.
Gartitude

Towards the evening I was in desperate need to buy some stationary. The road I was on, I could seen no stationary shop. I told the auto driver ( a three wheeler indigenous to India) to look out for a stationary shop on the way. He pulled his ear phones out, looked back and asked me what I was looking for? Told him the stationary shop, for which he said he did not understand the word. I altered the word and said book shop. He did keep a watch and pointed out one which we nearly missed as he was speeding away. He took a U turn, took me to the book shop, I bought my stationary and when I reached my destination he thanks me for teaching him a new English word.

The auto drivers in the city I live are notoriously famous for being rude, obnoxious and always have a ready answer always a (No).

Learning: one needs to experience personally the good and the bad of a situation instead of being judgemental. The Auto drivers parting comment was a humbling experience and taught me a lesson or two in being nom judgemental.
Gratitude

This is how my day ended…
I saw this beautiful old grandmother covered from head to toe in black burkha & chaddar…what caught my eyes was her deep sunk in jet back eyes matching her attire. I kept looking at her, most of her teeth were missing whatever else she had were broken or had betel leaves stains. She held her grandson in the most loving way smiling at him and rocking him to sleep.
Contemplating for about half hour, I could not hold back and complimented her on her beauty. She misinterpreted me and thought I was complimenting her grandson. I bend down closer towards her and said “nahi main aapko bol rahi hoon, aap bahut sunder ho” ( no no its you I’m talking about, you are very beautiful) . She laughed, blushed and smiled her toothless smile and again nodded her head & points to her grandson saying he is beautiful. I bend again and say no its you I complimented
The lady sitting next to me in the bus gently touches my right arm and says only a beautiful person can see beauty in others and compliment them so genuinely. People like you are very rare. God bless you.
I look at her and say thank you and tell her people like her are rarer cause you noticed what I did and complimented me for my act.
With tears welling up her eyes, she says – a beautiful woman like you complimented me me back after I complimented her..I will always remember this journey.
Learning : there is beauty everywhere. We need to see it feel, experience it and acknowledge it with an open mind.
Gratitude.

Menopause

Call it Menopause or Midlife Crisis, it is your reality.

My introduction to the word Menopause started very early in life probably at the age of 5 or 6. Every summer holiday I would be warned not to be naughty, not to ask silly questions, not to demand to eat this or that, and to help my grandma with housework. Well, me being me, I did all that was a No and there would be high-octane verbal fireworks sometimes or many times, that I can’t remember right now. I would hear words like periods, menopause and mood swings in the quarters that women frequented. Then there were times when I would hear the men complaining, no fish fry or no pakoras for sure today. Do these references ring a bell?

I was a kid who knew not much about the words used, the undercurrents, the hush-hush behaviour, the yelling and screaming and sometimes vessels being thrown around over minor petty issues. Did I judge my grandma or her help, nope! Did I wonder what was happening, nope! I was too busy being a child and doing precisely what I was told not to do. Now that I’m a grown-up, I’m living those words, the attitude and actions associated with them as a woman. The superwoman I am, I’m at that stage of life where I’ve embraced the perimenopause stage hoping the other two phases will sail smoothly.

Why is a mental health professional discussing menopause in the writing? Well as far as I know many women shy away from discussing this aspect of their life with their gynaecologists, family members, friends or mental health professionals. Depending on the woman’s ethnicity, social habits, eating habits and physical activities she starts getting into the menopausal stage by the time she enters her 45th year and may reach her post-Menopausal year by her 55th year or a bit longer. 

Each woman is unique and her body works to its whims and fancy. Society has not been very welcoming in making this phase of a woman’s life easy, convenient or comfortable. In fact, in this stage of a woman’s life, she is going through an arduous journey. Her career is peaking and the pressures are high. If she has kids, they are in various stages of the growth spurt and can get quite demanding. If married her husband is bogged down in his career and is going through his version of a mid-life crisis making him a non-participant in her life, let’s not talk about the pressures of taking care of aged parents or extended family. 

In all these exciting changes that are happening in her life, the woman has to deal with insomnia, varied bleeding patterns, hot flashes, mood swings, anxiety, depression, fatigue, foggy head, irritability, heart palpitations, poor concentration, incontinence, increased static energy, dry itchy skin, increased facial hair, allergies, weight gain, dry vagina, itchy dry skin in the pubic area, bad breath, low sex drive, cold flashes, sore breasts, changed body odour and the list is endless. Then, at last, the periods stop but now issues like heart diseases, osteoporosis, arthritis, and forgetfulness to name a few come gushing into her life, enveloping her in a mental drudgery. 

There is enough literature to know how to cope with the physical symptoms of perimenopause, menopause and post-menopause. Anyone reading this article irrespective of gender please invest your time in a google search about menopause and be aware and active to help a woman in your circle when she is physically beat. 

As a woman reading this article these are some things you need to know to keep your mental health active and agile.

  1. Understand, every woman worth her time on this earth will go through this phase of her life. 
  2. Talking, and discussing the issues related to menopause is not taboo. 
  3. Mental health challenges will occur, no escaping this but the magnitude of it may vary according to the mental disposition you have maintained in your youth.
  4. Bodily changes are bound to occur, don’t fret over it.

Tools from a therapist to transition effectively in your 40s into the 60s like a rockstar.

  1. Accept the changes that are taking place within your body and let go of old patterns.
  2. Learn new skills and work around increasing the number of people you interact with. Make your circle flavourful with a wide variety of skills, talents and knowledge these people have.
  3. While entering your 40s, come up with a physical activity goal that will stand by you while you enter perimenopause.
  4. Watch your dietary habits, make changes, engage with a nutritionist, read on the internet, experiment with various foods and have some ready go-to food to help you in your down days.
  5. This is when you aggressively start investing your time in meditation and breathing activities. It does wonders for your hot flashes, insomnia, concentration and palpations.
  6. Look around for lubricants and tools to take care of your sexual needs. Don’t let low libido deprive you of the pleasure of life. 
  7. Invest in skin care products that are made for women post-40s. Read, ask, learn evolve. When your skin is healthy you roam around with a pleasant decorum and will therefore be mentally agile.
  8. Learn new skills to help you keep active during various versions of empty nest syndrome. 
  9. Reach out to a non-judgemental person who will help you with positive self-talk when you yo-yo between mood swings and a depressive state of mind.
  10.  Slow down, you are not going to get any medals for all the overwork. Learn to delegate.

These are things I have seen my mother do, she has passed these tips on to me which I practice not with utmost sincerity (I belong to the rogue generation you see) and I’m guessing between the vessel throwing, some heated verbal outbursts and the fish fry, my grandmom has passed these on to her daughters. I believe that the generations gone by had a smoother transition than my generation and the generations that will follow. They did nothing fancy; they embraced every changing phase of their life.

As a therapist, I find the above-mentioned tips quite effective when practised with a calm and composed disposition accepting life changes.

Good – to be or not to be!

Not many moons back, I had constantly asked myself this question – why do bad things happen to good people? And promptly, I would pacify myself quoting Newton’s Law of Attraction “For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction”.

Grumbling, watering my grudges and ranting a long list of dissatisfactions is how I used to spend my time. And playing the part of ‘The Great Indian Woman” came naturally to me. If I had to define my attitude, it was – I’m Okay, you are not Okay!

When Drama bored me, I switched my focus to Karma. Karma was such a haven to hide. Then, there was this phase of telling “We reap what we sow”, conveniently hiding behind the cloak of spirituality, invisible forces of nature and accepting life as it comes. Years passed by in this unproductive, unsatisfactory behaviour until the day when all the juice within me dried up.

 The mistakes & the sufferings!

  1. I did not practice assertiveness. I did not have the good sense to utilise the words No.
  2. I thought being compassionate, obliging, understanding and sympathetic was all that was needed to be a good human. 
  3. I believed that if I kept on doing good, I would eventually be rewarded with the good.
  4. I never took feedbacks from people. Questions like these never got an answer – Did my act of goodness make any difference in their lives? Was my interference or service really needed?
  5.  I forgot to live for myself and lived for others. I went overboard in my acts/gestures, overworked and got tired frequently.
  6. Karma was put on a pedestal and became the deciding factor for all the happenings in my life. The minute I got an inkling of bad, I would immediately over-perform full-throttle putting myself on the fifth gear, to be sometimes rewarded with fragments of the Good.
  7. Most times, I wanted to prove a point. The competitive mode was active. The question before any job/activity always was – is this challenging enough?
  8. Playing the victim was easy then & the coping skills were nil. I avoided conflicts at any cost and focused on peace.
  9.  I was very modest in expressing my needs, wants and desires. I never used specific words to ask/ seek and ended up almost always hurt as expectations were not met.
  10. What I perceived as good, was most often not the right good for others.

Feeling ill-treat and misinterpreted?

  1. It was not my job to go all out and help somebody achieve their good. No wonder I felt ill-treated.
  2. I noticed that sometimes people were jealous of my capabilities and put me down intentionally. 
  3. I was consistently submissive, adaptable, compromising. This came across as my core nature and, voila I was taken for granted.
  4. I know now that there are insensitive people in this world who find immense pleasure in taking advantage of people like me.
  5. I was often misinterpreted because each individual has his or her set of values and ethics different from mine.
  6. Every individual has his/her load of troubles, frustrations and misery. It invariably gets unload on to someone and if you happen to be passing by at that given time and place, a platter full of bad is surely on your cards.
  7. When I did a self-assessment, it was clear that I had sometimes invariably hurt sentiments of people with my tone or body language. It was thereby misinterpreted as rude and inhospitable. 

Tools I use to acknowledge that Life is Fair!

  1. Life is indeed fair.
  2. the mantra to good like work hard – relationship, social settings and work.
  3. No more comparing my life to that of others.  
  4. Repeatedly tell me that it’s okay to say No.
  5. Stopped playing the victim, stopped watering my grudges and stopped complaining.
  6. Disabled the expectations meter and focused more on the art of giving than on getting.
  7. Journaling is always a useful tool. I started maintaining a list of the bad. I invested my time in introspecting and finding an alternative to minimise the intensity of each bad.
  8. Accepting that I would not always be in a win-win situation changed my outlook towards life.
  9. I stopped playing the martyr.  
  10. Understood and practised Minimalism.

Is life fair? I say Fair is where you get Cotton Candy…

Live for the moment, live for yourself. 

Admit, accept, adapt, organize, learn, unlearn.

It is sexual abuse if…

It is sexual abuse if a person uses persuasion, manipulations, guilt trips, threats, or demands sex. It is also sexual abuse if you are too scared to say No or you feel your life is a mess for speaking up! 

This long weekend is time for festivity, time to dress up, time to mingle and jingle even in Covid times. It’s time to celebrate the DEVI in us and get rid of the demon within us. There are enough and more Folklores written about brave women, feminists advocating women empowerment, pro-women motivational speeches spread across social media, self-defense schools for girls and women. The HR policies across corporate have become empathetic and women-friendly. Yet, at any given point of time, a child, a young girl, a woman somewhere has fallen prey to sexual harassment, be it at work, at home, in close social settings, or a large gathering.

During the process of submitting an assignment on the Topic – Sexual Abuse, I put together a generous sprinkle of ex-colleagues, college friends, engaged with women in the supermarkets and local kitty parties. My question to them was – Have you ever been or felt sexually abused & how it has impacted you?

Some were forthcoming in their share and were willing to describe the incident couple confirmed affirmatively while getting consumed in hesitancy, anguish, fear, shame, disgust, disappointment & anger. 

While collating the shares, I found these points common across women of various age groups irrespective of when they suffered the abuse – in their childhood or adulthood.

Listed below are the most common ways the abuse impacted them; 

  1. She stops herself from wearing clothes that make her look beautiful or attractive.
  2. She changes the way she talks, walks & responds to a conversation.
  3. She notices a dip in productivity at work & home.
  4. She is consumed by the fear of meeting the abuser and avoids office meetings or social gatherings.
  5. She has constant bouts of crying and does not sleep for many days. She keeps questioning herself, why me?
  6. At work, she fears her job is at stake and perceives that her career is over, leaving her with the feeling of being violated.
  7. Her self-esteem takes a beating & she constantly feels helpless & hopeless.
  8. In extreme cases, she wants to end her life.
  9. She has felt good and gossiped about it with others.
  10. She plots Tit for Tat. Harass the harasser back.
  11. She starts doubting all men in general.
  12. She starts developing trust issues.
  13. She starts contemplating, strategizing to take revenge even before addressing the issue & coming to terms with her emotions.
  14. She becomes a staunch feminist
  15. She wants to punish the harasser but has these thoughts going on inside her-
  • Actually, he is a good guy. Why spoil his career as he has a wife and kid.
  • Did he actually harass me? Am I overthinking, overreacting?
  • He seems to be the playful kind and probably must have just done it for fun. Let me forget about it.
  • If the abuse has been through a text message, then the common thought process is, he must have sent the text by mistake to me. Let me wait & if he repeats it, I shall complain.

How does our body react to the trauma of being sexually abused? 

We suffer from anxiety, depression, post-traumatic disorder, panic attacks, stress, a sense of betrayal, shame, high blood pressure, hair fall, hives, insomnia, lethargy, low self-esteem, diabetes, and many more.

It is paramount that one identifies & accepts being a victim of sexual abuse. This is the first step toward healing from a difficult, complicated, sensitive, emotionally draining episode. Seek help once you have identified and accepted. No trauma is small. No abuse can be forgiven.

Remember, there is always never a witness. The harasser is clever and knows how to keep all this private. 

CRYING IS OKAY – it’s how your body speaks to you!

Reading about Rui-katsu, the Japanese cry therapy, got me writing my bits about crying…

I’ve often been told I’ve no control over my emotions, that I cry a lot and that I’m being overly dramatic. Being a mother, a practicing counsellor, I need to be role model especially to my kids and the young adults I counsel. My social set up often reprimands me and asks me to behave like an adult, do not be weak minded, don’t display your vulnerability etc.

These statements are directed to me when, my tear dams open up for general viewing – when I’m very happy, when I’m extremely angry, when I want to be polite and hide my negative feelings towards family/strangers or when I’m watching a mushy movie. In my defense, I rather use tears and body language to express my feelings, than words used in haste that can cause irrevocable damages.

So here is why I think crying is beneficial for me/adults!

1. Helps me get sparkly eyes. Aha, the pleasure of looking at my beautiful eyes after a good cry!
2. Helps me sooth my nerves. The feeling of peace that descends on me.
3. Cools down my brain, when I gulp in cool air during sobbing. A well oxygenated brain does lift my mood. Makes me active and energetic. A lot of work gets done.
4. Bouts of crying is my body’s ways of recovering from strong emotions. The bottled-up emotions clear up, until it’s time for the next cycle which is whenever I’ve been lazy in journaling, not been effective communicator or made my own assumption and presumptions about people or situations – basically ignored doing the self-awareness exercise,
5. Helps me in the process of grief and accept the loss. I tend to talk to myself while crying and utilise my analytical & logical bend of mind to deal with my grief & loss.
6. Helps me sleep better. The sleep helps me have a better immune system, I’ve noticed my blood pressure gets regulated and is one of the tricks I use to deal with pre-menopausal insomnia. 

Don’t hold back your tears, don’t be ashamed of them. Let them flow. Take time out to cry, flush out the stress and increase your happy hormones. I always encourage people to cry irrespective of the gender. Crying in front of a non-judgemental friend/family member or a therapist is a sign of Courage & Authenticity. You are not weak; you are taking care of yourself.

Note: there are times though when you must seek immediate help, especially when crying interferes with personal and social day to day activities. It could lead to grave psychological trauma – depression and stress related physical ailments/diseases.