Le Chat Noir

A bit of a follow-up on my closet purge/ body depression post:

I have been doing much reflecting and deep thinking in the attempts to figure out how I got to this place and how to prevent it in the future.

The biggest takeaway from it is: *I need to get out of my own way*. I realized I have been spending so much time and energy on diluting myself and I must stop.

The more detailed realizations:
There has been something of a cascade effect with my mind - body - wardrobe. I have never *loved* my body. (I'm not going to break that down in this post.)

Before leaving Chicago I was unhappier about my body than I had been in quite some time but I was much happier in the rest of my life than I had been in probably ever and that dwarfed the body image issues.
A couple of years after moving to Los Angeles I pointedly disliked my body. This was also the point where my hair and wardrobe started trending more camera friendly / neutral. (I could get more work as the midwestern soccer mom then I could as the middle aged punk.)

Then came the pandemic. In the peak of things I mostly just stopped trying to do anything about my mind - body - wardrobe. I leaned completely into yoga pants - baggie t-shirt- tank top - messy bun. This is very comfortable physically and definitely will keep a place in my life, but it is not comfortable mentally.
Slowly creeping out of the pandemic (logistically, not medically. Keep masking y'all) and I *hate* my body. Actively hate.

I refused to buy clothing that makes me happy because I did not want to clothe a body that I hate. Giving up clothes that I liked because they were for a body that I liked way more than this one really just hit a nerve that runs deep and is very painful.

So, I am actively working to take myself back.

The first step of this is hair and clothing that I like even if it isn't Midwest neutral. (I will still find the work. I have neutral headshots and wigs and clothing that will carry me through auditions if needed. After that I can adjust whatever needed for what I happen to be cast in.)

This also means getting clothes that I like for the body that I have now. In interest of that I spent several days across various websites and coupon codes and I spent roughly $50 to purchase eight or nine new pieces that I like. Spending that much money on clothes feels like a complete irresponsible indulgence. I will have to keep reminding myself that: 1) this is better for my mental health and 2) breaking this down to a price per item really isn't that bad (many people will spend that much money on just one item) so I'm not being absolutely frivolous.

A follow-up to getting the clothes that I like also means wearing them. I don't need to feel like it is an occasion to "dress up" to wear funky pants or a shirt with random hardware instead of yoga pants and scruffy t-shirts. It is okay if people see me. I I can't keep trying to obscure myself just because I am not happy with my body.

Brightly colored hair and plaid pants are not the long-term fix for all of this. I am fully aware of this and I will be working on things mentally and physically to find a healthy spot. For the time being I am giving myself permission to work from the outside in.

This post mainly exists so I can look back on it when I need to to bolster my resolve and remember my goals. It exists here, on this public platform, because I know I am not the only one who feels this way. Maybe it will make someone else feel a little better knowing they are not alone, they are not broken, and they deserve happiness.

This is a test
When I try to go to my "Reading Pane" I get a page doesn't exist error.
When I click on my user name to go to my general profile I get sent to a page for Relevant Data.
My "Accounts Setting" page looks normal.
Checking to see if I can post. If anyone sees this post please let me know.
@dreamwidth - Any ideas?

Making my way to Dreamwidth as kittenspeaks.
Import has started....

My 4 by 40 quest- I FOUND A GROUPON!! Thanks to you wonderful people I have raised the funds needed for my 4 by 40 Skydiving Trip. I am going to push just a little more to sweeten the deal- I only need 65.00 more to take Pete with me on this plummet to earth. Even if you aren't so much into celebrating my brithday I know there are some of you that would love to see him take the jump.
With 145.00 I can take Pete with me AND I can get pictures of it all. For 175.00 I can take Pete with me and get pictures AND video of it.
What'cha say? Just a few dollars....

Here's the long sloppy link to donate.
*Edit- Mady a tide link for it

http://tinyurl.com/Kittens4by40


Pretty pretty please.....

If you get an email from my personal email address (the kitten@ address) with ho header- DON'T OPEN IT!! I have fixed the hack so it shouldn't happen again but just wanted to give people the heads up...

I need some help from my sewing/ crafty friends.

For DragonCon I usually get a 3'x6' piece of black foam core to serve as a backboard/ display for merchandise. WE get a new one every year as at the end of the con if can be a little beat up and even if it wasn't it isn't like Voltaire or I could take it on our flight home. I usually pick it up in my Dad's van (which he no longer has) or I have it delivered (which having it delivered to the hotel is complicated and expensive). Not to mention the fact that buying a new one every year gets costly when you add it all up.

This year I want to get a very very heavy duty piece of black fabric. I can throw in some grommets and tie it to the banisters like we did with the foam core last year. It should be easier to manage and something I can pack up and take away to use for later events.  I almost want "curtain blacks" but they are probably a bit heavier than I need, they would be too expensive, and I honestly don't think I can find them that small.

I am thinking a super heavy muslin...or some kind of upholstery material...I don't know.

So, I need suggestions.

The catch, this is something that I need to be able to get in Chicago on Monday (before I leave), in Atlanta on Wednesday (after my arrival), or something I can order this weekend (or Monday) and have delivered to Atlanta by Weds. evening or Thursday morning at the latest.

If you have suggestions of fabric to use or places to shop please let me know.

Thanks!!!

So, yesterday I got a message on facebook from an associate who has a show at Gorilla Tango on Mondays.
He let me know there were flowers at the theater for me which were delivered on Sunday.
I went by after work to get them....

To whomever sent them: THANK YOU!!!

They are so beautiful! And your message...thank you. From that deep tender part of my heart- thank you.  This past year has been a real beast and I have questioned my choice to move (back) to Chicago and so many other choices. Thank you for reminding me that the stress and sacrifice hasn't been for nothing. There has been some triumph to all of it.
You are right- I should celebrate.
Thank you.
It was a delightful surprise and exactly what I needed.

*hugs*

(And really someone needs to get on that teleportation thing.)

...or Ben and Jerry and the Emotional Breakdown....


I am on an email list for Ben And Jerry's Ice Cream. I am sure that will be of no surprise to anyone. Well, last year in the early spring they sent the email with the release of their new flavors for the season. One of the flavors was Mission to Marzipan. I was so excited. See, my mother's favorite candy was marzipan. So many years as a child there was the trip to the mall in Albany to Swiss Colony to get Mom the box of marzipan candies shaped and colored to look like little fruits. This wasn't the candy but it was a new form of Mom's favorite sweet treat.
I sent up the call for help- People in the Atlanta area- find somewhere that carries Mission to Marzipan, get it and deliver it to my Mom for her birthday.
Several people looked. People looked around Atlanta and suburbs near and far.
No Luck. Mission to Marzipan was no where to be found in the south.
A little more investigation (including an email to Ben and Jerry's) and I discover that this is a limited release. Mission to Marzipan is ALL over the Chicago area but there is not yet a release date in Georgia and there might not be one.

I was disappointed but I knew there were options. I started investigating the methods and cost with which I might send ice cream from Chicago to  Atlanta.

Then...Mom got sick. Really sick. She went into the hospital. My resolve was even stronger that she would have this delectable treat to celebrate her birthday and release from the hospital.

Then there was surgery.
There there was hope.
Then- less than 24 hours later there was the call...
How soon can you get down here?
It was only 4 days after her birthday.

There was a mad dash to get the house in order, make arrangements for my cats, get flights arranged and so much else.
In all of that madness there was a trip to the market.
I purchased a pint of Ben and Jerry's Mission to Marzipan for my Mother (and some Pistachio Pistachio for my Dad).
I knew she wouldn't really be able to eat it, but much like rubbing whiskey on the gums of a dying alcoholic, I wanted her to have that last sensation of something that she loved.

Early morning I was bundled off to the airport with the ice cream wrapped up in bags with frozen gel medi-packs. I made it to the airport and was on my way through security.  They wanted to search my bag.
"You can't take this." Says the surly, mumbling youth with the TSA uniform.
I explain, I reason, I plead.
"Let the girl take her ice KREME." This is from the short, portly woman in the TSA uniform as she has a strange way of putting the emphasis on "cream" as well as saying it with a very hard K sound (hence the spelling and odd capitalization).
There is some banter. I am pleading on the verge of tears, Portly TSA is repeating her mantra of ice KREME, Mumbling Youth TSA won't give.
The pints of Ben and Jerry's are left at the O'hare airport along with a few Irish gypsy curses...

My mother passed away on April 10th- without ever getting to try the Ben and Jerry's Mission to Marzipan.

On April 12th  I was at the Walmart not far from my parents house. I was picking up some cleaning supplies and perusing the food aisle to look for a comfort snack. An awkward, acne-ridden 60-some-odd- year old stock boy was stocking new product in the frozen treats section.
And there it was....
A case of Ben and Jerry's pints of assorted variety.
In the variety- Mission to Marzipan.
I asked how long they had carried it. He told me it had just come in the day before.
I picked up a pint of it.
I walked about 3 steps before I sat...slumped against the large display freezer doors...staring at the Mission in my hands and crying.

It was 2 days too late...
Just 2 days.

So much comes just a little too late...
The doctors finding the cancer...
The insurance company agreeing to send her to an oncologist who gave two shits about her care...
My mother and I reaching a point where we could respect each other despite the fact that we had always understood each other...
The Marzipan ice cream release in Georgia...

Happy Birthday Mom.
I love you.
I miss you.
You gotta get the hook up with the Mission to Marzipan Ice Cream. It is amazingly good. Hit up some Coffee Heath Bar Crunch while you are at it. That's right up your alley too.


Everyone else,
Take a moment
Breathe.
Get yourself a little treat.
Look to the people you love and tell them so.
Take the time for these things while you can.
These chances pass.
Take them before it is too late.
Even if it is only 2 days too late.

Great show opening at Gorilla Tango Theater on Saturday night.
Limited Engagement!



Don't reality TV celebs piss you off? The idea of over night success, unworthy of the limelight. What about 15 year olds dancing in lingerie, singing about their intense love on a 100 foot yacht. Yet, you're the first person in the check-out line to find out, "Who's caught with not so sexy Cellulite". Last time I checked, this revolution in the media has been a love-hate relationship for over 2 decades now.
TMI: A Hollywood Love Story, is exactly how you should break up with CelebTV.
It's ok to admit that it's over.


Showing every Saturday night in April 11:30 pm @ Gorilla Tango Theater! That's ONLY 4 SHOWS folks!! You don't want to miss out. Seating is limited so reservations are highly recommended.

Tickets are $12, for more information please call the box office at 773-598-4549 or book online:
http://www.gorillatango.com/chicago/index.htm

Featuring:
Courtney Boxwell
Carmen Christopher
Kalina "Kitten" McCreery
C.J Tuor
Ray Ready
Keri Carpenter
Annie Litchfield
Erin Rooney
Thurston Hill

And of course the glory and shame of Celebutants Everywhere. :-)

Written and Directed by Madilynn Beck
Asst. Director: Kate Olsen
Make-up: Melissa Lynn
Photography: Alyse Liebovich
Produced by Gorilla Tango Theatre
Show Rating - R

And HEY!! Closing night the the weekend of my birthday. A sold out house would be the best gift EVER!!