I told my therapist about my health anxiety. I joked that I want my mama. I mean, what kid doesn’t want their mama when they’re sick?
She said “wow, that’s a lot”—She helped see I’m not being immature. Life is hard. We all want someone older and wiser than us to have the answers.
Since my elders are gone, I wrote this–
It’s Too Much
I have spent an inordinate amount of my life waiting.
Waiting for test results.
Waiting for connection.
Waiting for people to tell the truth.
Waiting for people to come back.
Waiting for answers.
Waiting for someone to choose me without me chasing.
This year I quit chasing and I’m feeling the absence of it in ways I didn’t expect.
The funny thing about waiting is that it disguises itself as action. It feels like I’m doing something. Thinking. Planning. Preparing. Rehearsing conversations that never happen.
But waiting is not action.
Waiting is standing still while your mind runs in circles.
Lately I have been waiting on doctors, insurance approvals, lab results, and follow-up appointments.
I have been waiting on certainty.
I have been waiting on my own fear to settle down.
Maybe that’s why my life suddenly feels too crowded.
Maybe that’s the real exhaustion.
Not the appointments.
Not the overthinking.
Not even the diagnoses.
Maybe it’s carrying around a lifetime of waiting.
As always, more to come.
P.S.
This isn’t a contest for who has it worse but a “wow, that’s a lot,” soothed me. I’m not exaggerating. Being validated is priceless.
This is where I am right now. Ask me tomorrow and you may get a different answer.
Closing with a song 🎶
J-Dub's Grin and Bear It 