Secrets | I Won't Take It

Another Gaslighting Session…

Wow! It’s been a horrific couple of days here in NarcLand. M is feeling sorry for himself, blaming me for his misery and generally causing mayhem wherever he looks.

So. Saturday. After several days of Silent Treatment (a relief for me, really) he started up again. We were up late Friday night with more and more of the same bullshit, how I don’t love him any more and I’m withholding my affection just to make him miserable, blah, blah, blah. Went to bed angry.

Saturday morning started off with more of the same, him telling me how I am immature, lack proper emotional responses, don’t respect his “principles” or “standards” how I’m a total slacker, etc. I asked him to write down his feelings, point by point so that we could have a conversation in little bits instead of making it a big huge thing that encompasses our entire relationship*. He said he would, more blah, blah, and I realized it was time for me to leave for work – I dashed out the door with wet hair** because I had lost all track of time, so the remainder of the day was uncomfortable.

It was a late day and I arrived home after dark. I was tired and not in the mood for more bullshit, but I got a steaming pile. He had written a small page about how he feels his life is in the toilet and he’s just not able, emotionally or physically, to go on. He’s in a very low place and all he wants is my love and understanding, blah, blah, blah. He had left it near my computer, which I had forgotten to turn off in the morning (yet another bone of contention between us, but I had to go to work NOW and figured it was an acceptable lapse. Turns out it wasn’t, but you knew that already, right?)

I read his little manifesto and went into the kitchen to have a little chat. I will admit that I was pissed, tired and really not in the mood for any of his games. I told him that what he wrote was not at all what I asked for, but that I understand he’s in a very unhappy place right now. Why don’t we just be nice to each other until we can find a way out of here?

He responded by asking me if I shouldn’t just move out. Small speech about that, and how his life would finally be a complete failure, tears, and then he began to rage. Oh, it was a sight to see! Turns out I LIKE to make him yell, I antagonize him every day just to see him lose his temper! Maybe I’m hoping he’ll stroke out?!? Blah, blah, blah.

I turned over his little note and told him that I would be happy to note down exactly what I was doing that made him so angry so that I could look at it in future and see just what I needed to change about myself***.

1. “Attitude” is defined as giving flippant answers.

2. I have no idea how brutally men treat each other, the truly horrible things they do to each other and I should be glad he doesn’t give me any of that!

3. His yelling is because he has been on the defensive since my son and I “turned on him” during our first disastrous attempt to live together.

4. My refusal to work out a budget with him, his way, is just like flipping him off.

5. My refusal to “raise [my] standards” is one of the main problems we have – I just don’t see how terrible our house/neighborhood/job/cars/clothes, etc. really are or I would be ashamed to be seen in public.

6. I live in a fantasy world and have no idea of the actual facts of how life should be lived. I refuse to see reality.

There were more, but I wasn’t able to re-write them all from memory later. I did take two full pages of notes on Sunday, however, and here is a bit of that –

He has been telling me for years that the cash money that I give him each month does not cover the bills. He spends at least an equal amount each month out of his checking account. Now, what does that say to you? If you’re (sane) like me, it means that we actually spend $1200 each month to meet expenses, right? Nope. The actual, physical cash money that I give him is spent in other ways, but the money that pays the bills comes from his checking account, therefore, my money does not pay the bills, his money does. Clever, no? That right there is just one example of the bullshit thinking process I have to deal with every day. But wait, it gets better! By pulling the bill stubs out of the drawer where they are stored and adding them up, I am being condescending and insulting him – cause for more yelling, as that is what I do every day to the poor, misunderstood man. And then the subject is abruptly changed when the bills add up to less than $500…

I answer all of his questions one way and then do something else. Here’s a very recent example –

HIM: Do you need the kitchen light on?

ME: Yes, I need to put these towels away.

He says that I told him “no” about the light and then “blamed” him for moving towards the light switch, thereby causing, yet again, an argument. This happens every.damned.day.without.fail. I refuse to let it get to me now, but shit!

Because I didn’t tell him when he hurt my feelings in the past, I have no right to bring up “10 years worth of venom” now. I have no right to establish a pattern, give him examples of his abuse. Oh, no! Who’s not facing reality now?

By not deferring to him I am deliberately hurting him. I start all disagreements by saying flippant or stupid things, but not answering, or by “lying.”

He can’t trust me to be reliable. He is willing to sign over all the bills into my name because he can’t rely on me to pay them on time or in full. WTF?!? He would even be willing to sell me the house on contract so he could have an income. Imagine that – I would PAY him to live here. For a Narc, that would be the perfect situation, wouldn’t it? The victim pays for the abuser to heap more abuse onto her. As if!

The only reason I have been able to survive in life is because I had a man to pick up the slack, to cover my bases when I slacked off and dropped the ball. Huh. Sure didn’t seem that way when I had a toddler and a deadbeat, drugged-out husband to support. Didn’t seem that way when Ex#2 paid only the rent and I paid for everything else, including food, utilities and child care. Didn’t seem that way when I was paying a mortgage and all the bills on a house I never asked for in the first place. Who is disconnected from reality here?

Here are the kickers – I refuse to admit that I’ve made mistakes that have been destructive to our relationship and/or caused him to make poor decisions. I refuse to accept blame for starting our disagreements. I refuse to admit that I hurt him first and he only reacts to me from a defensive position. I have a slacker attitude and refuse to do all that I can for anything, not work, not jobs around the house, not my “marital duties,” cooking, cleaning, laundry, I do not fully devote myself to anything at all.

Okay. This sounds totally insane, so I will stop here. Just needed to clear some of the cobwebs out.

* I know! Why do I bother. It was a delaying tactic, actually, well thought out – if he is distracted with this little exercise, I have more time to make plans for my escape. If he feels he is being heard, maybe he’ll back off. As if!

** Fucking hair! It will be the first thing to go and I can’t wait!

*** Right after our little confrontation he tossed the paper into the wood stove – no evidence means it didn’t happen the way I remember it, right? His story can change to suit the new day and I have no defense. The day he finally sees this blog will be an eye-opener, I bet!

8 Comments

Posted by Sofia Leo on September 2, 2012 in Deceptions, Emotional Abuse, Gaslighting, Narcissist, Red Flags, Stuff that Pisses Me Off!, Today

Tags: Emotional Abuse, Gaslighting, Red FLags, Secrets, Today

King?

18 Aug

Feeling anxious today. There’s an Event that M and I attend every year in the next town over. I had to work, so we agreed to meet there after I got off and decide what to do about dinner and maybe sleep there. I told him that I would be closing shop at 5:00 if it was slow, 6:00 if it was busy. It has not been busy for the last three months, so I have predictably been leaving work at 5:00 pretty much since I started this job. He knows this.

So. I leave the shop at 5:15-ish, walk the dog (who has been in the car most of the day and is not happy about it) and hit the road. I arrived at the Event site at 5:35, where I saw M walking across the street with a couple that we both know, heading for the burger joint for dinner.

What? We had agreed to meet and discuss whether or not we wanted to eat a burger or go to the grocery store to get sandwich fixings, and we agreed that he would wait until I got there so we could make a decision together. He knows how much I love the burger joint and that I look forward to eating there every year, and now he’s going without me? What about our money concerns?

I caught up to them and he was shocked to see me – could not recover his wits – seemed totally taken aback. He tried to cover with, “I thought you wouldn’t be here for another hour at least.” No apology about leaving me out, no kiss, very strange reaction to me being where I said I would be within the window of time we discussed only hours before.

He was distracted throughout the meal and I got the feeling that he wasn’t happy that I was there. I ignored his discomfort and behaved the same way I always do around this group of people.

I left the burger joint to go back across the street, walk and feed the dog and unload the car, leaving him to pay the bill just to be a bitch. A group was planning to meet to play some music and both M and I were expected. After unloading some stuff, I see M heading for where the music is going to be played with his instrument. Didn’t even look around to see where I was or wait for me or anything.

Again I ignored his discomfort, got my fiddle and sat right next to him, just so he couldn’t pretend I wasn’t there. Asshole.

The whole evening went this way, and this morning, too, when I drove him to pick up his truck. Very curt thanks, wanting to be away from me, you know the feeling, am I right? Yeah.

Wonder when I’ll get my eviction notice?

2 Comments

Posted by Sofia Leo on August 18, 2012 in Deceptions, Emotional Abuse, Red Flags, Secrets, Today

Tags: Deceptions, Emotional Abuse, Music, relationships, Secrets

The Heart of the Matter?

15 Jun

Here we are at the middle of the month, and still no blow-up. Instead I got a little glimpse inside M’s head while he had his guard down. We were eating dinner and chatting about I don’t even know what when he said, “You know, I really hate to be wrong.”

“No one can be right all the time. That’s just not possible. You’re not god,” I replied.

“I know, but I still want to be right.”

“What if you’re not?”

“I hate that – it means that someone else is right and I hate that.”

Instead of hammering on him to explain, I let it go, but it’s been simmering in the back of my mind ever since. It explains a lot. It justifies nothing, but it does explain why he insists on deconstructing, minimizing and outright denying any intelligent thought I might have if it goes against what he believes is right. What a putz.

5 Comments

Posted by Sofia Leo on June 15, 2012 in Today, Truth?

Tags: relationships, Secrets, Today

Husband #1

20 May

When M first started asking me about former lovers, he said it was so he would know “what not to do,” and would bring us closer. I had my doubts from the beginning as I’ve learned that men do not want to know who came before. I gave in to his demands, reluctantly, and nothing good has come of my compliance.

One of the chapters of my narrative concerns my first husband, Mark. I have no fear of sharing his name or his mother’s name as neither of them would ever dream of touching a computer so I have no fear of them reading this. The whole chapter can be found here.

The short version is this – Mark was a Bad Boy. I was desperate to free myself from the clutches of my father and Mark was the perfect lever to use. He was tall, blond with blue eyes, muscular with not an ounce of fat on him (I would later learn that was because he was shooting crank every day) and he had a really Bad Attitude. In short, he was perfect for a naive teenager looking for a way out of her boring little life. I fell hard and stayed down for five years. We had a son together who I ended up raising alone. Surprisingly, H has grown into a good man who is a joy to be around. There were some rough years – a story for another day.

Anyway. Here’s the chapter on my first husband. Please leave a comment if you can (or can’t) relate.

Another Woman?

10 May

I seem unable to stop beating myself with knowledge acquired clandestinely. There was a notice in M’s gmail trash that his yahoo password had been changed. I had not checked that account, but it seems that I should have been keeping an eye on it.

He’s not very clever with passwords, so it took only an evening’s thought before I sussed it out and logged on. No trash. No sent mail. No contacts. Nothing in the inbox. Okie-dokie. I’ll check back later.

Here’s an excerpt from a three-note exchange between M and a former lover:

Her: Nothing new and exciting here just been thinking about you and wondering if we will get to connect this summer while I am at [a town 2 hours away.]

Him: Realistically it’s hard to imagine meeting you in [town 2 hours away]. I suppose I should just drive off one day and say I am going to meet an old lover (that I still care for) and I’ll be gone most of the day……?
If [town] were closer than two hours away maybe…I’m sure we’ll see each other one day soon, just a matter of when. I’ll probably want a big hug and a kiss and would rather your whole family weren’t watching…love, m.

Her: When we are at the beach, come hell or high water, I am driving down to [a town 1 hour away] to see C (remember she was dating MD?). She has a “beach house” (condo) somewhere up on the cliffs….she has had it for 8 years and I have never been. I have no idea how far that is. Guess I will have to do a “mapquest”. Maybe if we are both brave we can meet in [town 1 hour away]…?

Well, huh. That seems pretty suggestive, doesn’t it? Is it just me, or does it sound like M is planning to meet up with a former lover without saying where he’s going or who he is going to see? Does her suggestion that they meet at a friend’s condo bring to your mind a sex-filled afternoon? Is this conversation crossing the line from friendship into cyber affair?

You can bet that if a similar exchange were to be found in my inbox it would be all kinds of wrong and I would never hear the end of it.

This begs many questions – how many other women is he “talking” to? How many other relationships is he engaged in and at what level? Are his “sailing” trips really what he claims they are? How dare he judge me and lecture me and beat me with words when he is doing everything that he’s accused me of doing?

11 Comments

Posted by Sofia Leo on May 10, 2012 in Secrets, Today

Tags: Secrets, Today

Confrontation

07 May

On Saturday, M logged into his FB account and had the following exchange –

Elena: You still “love” me don’t you?

M: You make me smile. Of course I still love you. Is there a button for that? (oh, what a naughty man!)

The kicker is that I was sitting in the same room five feet away. He finished at his computer and fell asleep on the couch. My blood was boiling and I didn’t sleep all night. The next day at work, I was furious all day and couldn’t think straight. How could he possibly call me a slut for laughing at a joke another man tells, or having a conversation in broad daylight and then turn around and make sexual innuendos with another woman? It’s just not fair.

So, yesterday after work I came home and poured myself a stiff rum & coke and joined him where he was working on the sun porch. I was unable to keep the anger out of my expression and he finally asked what was wrong. At first I could not answer, and was furious at my hesitation.

When I was able to speak, I told him that when he was gone on his last trip and hadn’t told me when he was returning I logged into his e-mail and found someone named Elena was sending him kisses from Italy. Not only was she sending him kisses, but he was sending her love and kisses right back. I told him that I knew about the message he sent the previous night (while I was in the same room!) and how angry I was.

His first words were, “I’ll be out of here tomorrow.” My first reaction was SCORE! Finally he feels some guilt about how he treats me. I don’t want him to leave, however, I want revenge. I want to make him feel as small as he makes me feel. For the first hour that’s exactly what happened – I chewed him up one side and down the other, listening to his pathetic apologies and explanations.

“She’s just a stalker” – fine! Why are you leading her on, then? Why not tell me and we can laugh about her together? That’s what a “real” relationship is about, isn’t it?

He wants no other woman but me in his life – great! Why treat me like shit then? Why lie and hide a conversation that is just you “amusing yourself” on the internet? Recall that you told me that it was cheating as much as having sex is cheating to have an online relationship.

After the first hour, my anger was dissipating and he was regaining his equilibrium and deflecting my anger over this incident onto other subjects. He started playing the victim – he had no idea I was holding a grudge about an incident that he had totally forgotten. He had no idea that my feelings were hurt after a three-hour lecture about what a slut I am (did my tears not clue him in?) He did apologize profusely for hurting my feelings. He did acknowledge that I had every right to be angry. He did not blame me for checking his e-mail, although he had every right to bring that up.

He closed his FB account, which I did not ask him to do. I told him that I only wanted him to cease communication with Elena, not the rest of his friends. He replied that if I could be “extreme” and close my account, he could, too, and I didn’t have any right to say anything about it.

The evening ended with me being totally wrung out, very aware of the look on his face that tells me this will all come back to haunt me very soon, but at least I can say that I won one battle.

2 Comments

Posted by Sofia Leo on May 7, 2012 in Deceptions, Digging Out, Secrets, Verbal Abuse

Tags: Deceptions, Digging Out, Emotional Abuse, Secrets, Verbal Abuse

The Facebook Incident

02 May

A couple of years ago was my 20th High School reunion. I joined FB to keep track of the events and maybe re-connect with some people I knew Back Then. A few of the freaks from my class found and “friended” me, but no one ever posted anything interesting or personal, so I didn’t get too involved in it. I did add photos and such, but almost never posted to my wall. Of course, M insisted we be “friends.”

So, his blog started really taking off, he had over 100 FB “friends”, was following several pages, etc. etc. He was posting to his wall regularly and sparking lots of debate in his comments. In short, he was having a great time.

One day, he had a blow-up (I don’t remember what it was about, but it probably had something to do with my low sex drive – more about that another day) and I was doing my best to not cry or engage him and make him even angrier. On that particular evening, I received a FB “friend” request from a guy I dated in High School. I hadn’t seen him in nearly 20 years, and it was clear from his note that he had fond memories of me even though I had treated him very badly. Of course, as soon as I approved the “friend” request, it showed up on M’s wall and he exploded.

He accused me of trying to hurt him by going looking for other men after we’d had an “argument.” He accused me of wanting to start something up with this old boyfriend (who is very happily married with several adorable children and not at all the kind of man who would cheat on his wife, even if I was so inclined) and that FB “friends” lead to “private conversations” which lead to affairs and it was a slap in his face for me to accept this “friend” request. He went on and on, cutting me off if I tried to say anything, ranting and getting red in the face until he finally said, “Fine – you go to bed! I’m going to look up some old girlfriends! What’s good for the goose is good for the gander!”

I went to bed and cried myself to sleep. The next day I closed my FB account. M asked why I did that and I told him that I refuse to give him a reason to yell at me and if my being on FB was going to make him so angry, it was better that I just close my account. He was angry at my anger but I didn’t care. I said some mean things about him being jealous that were shouted down and then I just quit engaging him. I let it stand and have not gone back to FB since.

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago. He is sending “love” and “kisses” and offering relationship advice to a woman in Italy. I have copies of his messages to her, but no way to know what they may be discussing via the FB chat late at night when I’m in bed, trying to still the whirlwind in my head. The messages have cooled, become more mundane, but he is still being supportive, encouraging her to try new things, sharing the story of his life, all the signs of a budding relationship.

He is being very careful that I don’t see what he’s doing on the computer – flipping between tabs, closing tabs when I enter the room, etc. in an effort to keep me from knowing that he’s at least contemplating cheating on me. Word of advice – it would be much more effective if you just change your passwords! He has no secret e-mail account, and no knowledge of how to conceal it if he did, so I am privy to the whole thing.

I’m not sure if I even care, that’s the saddest part. On the one hand, a new love would get me off the hook and make leaving easier – he would be happy to help me on my way so he could bring in someone else. On the other hand – how dare he! After all the things he has said about affairs being “of the heart” and “emotional” as well as physical and how he believes that affairs don’t have to be physical to be cheating if your SO doesn’t know about it. Especially the rant about FB “friends” leading to affairs – I had to listen to that for days, and now he’s doing exactly what he claimed would be so wrong if I did it. The hypocrisy makes me boil with rage.