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interfaceleaderI hate myself and wish I was dead.
I think my housemates hate me, because I am dirty fuck who didn't open the window after taking a shower.
I think I've lost three friendships in the last 48 hours.
I am supposed to do work I can't do because I am a stupid fuck who should never have left the data entry job which is all I am fucking good for.
I am supposed to go to a new karate dojo tomorrow and I don't want to because there are too many new people and new things and new places and FUCK I don't have any money anyway.
I haven't eaten since getting here and I don't think I will ever eat here again because of the snarky note about washing up after me.
P. is leaving, and probably never coming back, because why the fuck would he come back to a shit-head loser like me.
I am going to get fired when it turns out I can't do what they think I can do.
And my life will be a complete fail so why the hell can't it just stop now.
I think my housemates hate me, because I am dirty fuck who didn't open the window after taking a shower.
I think I've lost three friendships in the last 48 hours.
I am supposed to do work I can't do because I am a stupid fuck who should never have left the data entry job which is all I am fucking good for.
I am supposed to go to a new karate dojo tomorrow and I don't want to because there are too many new people and new things and new places and FUCK I don't have any money anyway.
I haven't eaten since getting here and I don't think I will ever eat here again because of the snarky note about washing up after me.
P. is leaving, and probably never coming back, because why the fuck would he come back to a shit-head loser like me.
I am going to get fired when it turns out I can't do what they think I can do.
And my life will be a complete fail so why the hell can't it just stop now.
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no subject
Date: 2012-01-10 05:52 pm (UTC)But, what the hell? Why are your housemates being such arseholes over you taking a shower without opening the window? That's just straight up baffling. Although this is Oxford. My experience with Oxford is that it's full of entitled white people who've never had a days discomfort in their lives. A little bit of shower steam could be seen, by them, as their 9/11.
If the three friendships are in any way related to the Turkboard thing then that isn't your fault either. You were in an impossible position and you acted as fairly as you possibly could in the circumstances. Nobody can, or should be, blaming you for that.
Didn't you say they would be giving you training as part of your new job? Or am I just imagining that part? I'm not sure what type of environment you're in, but is it the sort of place where you can just wave over a colleague or supervisor and ask them for help? If it is, then you could always ask for them to refresh your memory, act like you're a little rusty on the details or something. It doesn't have to be some damning testament to your inability to do the job, I'm pretty sure everybody needs a little guidance from time to time. Even me, as shocking as that might seem.
It'll be hard as hell to get down to the new dojo and your mind will constantly throw out alternatives, but once you're in and training it'll probably feel awesome. On the other hand though, it'll still be pretty overwhelming taking on so much new stuff all at once. New job, new house, new circumstances - to pile on a new dojo on top of that just seems, to me, like it's too much all at once. Take a week. Take two. Just get yourself settled properly and go at your own pace.
Life can dump piles of depression and horror on at once, but you probably know better than anyone that it can turn itself around just as fast and get back to being awesome again. Things probably seem insurmountable and impossible right now, but it doesn't have to be the situation that takes you under.
You're awesome and you can take it. If life gets hard, it means that it's afraid of your progress - so sayeth courage wolf anyway. And who wants to argue with a wolf? Especially a courageous one? Because even if you win, it's still a wolf and it probably can't talk. So what've you done? You've wasted your debating skills on a woodland creature.
Call, text, message, u2u me if you ever feel like talking things over. :D
no subject
Date: 2012-01-10 09:34 pm (UTC)So, yeah!
I don't know, the people I live with seem to be the kind that do a full kitchen clean after every meal and a full bathroom clean after every shower. But the place is full of CLUTTER everywhere. It's fucked up.
Anyway, there's nothing I can do about it, since I'm on a six-month contract. Oh well.
The job... is tricker. I have walked into the middle of an incredibly overdue website launch (not my fault, obviously) and everyone is really nice but pretty much the expectation/pressure is that I will clean up the (not insignificant) issues and launch the damn thing Pretty Damn Quick.
It's not an issue of training so much of time. I'm learning a new CMS, which is not the most flexible in the world, that *nobody else knows how to use* because it was custom built.
The pressure is on because the old site/CMS is literally falling apart--the newsletter system attached to it was sending out random latin spam just before I turned up. And then it sent out two Christmas newsletters... one after Christmas. So they are DESPERATE to launch the new site, and literally on my second day I was trying to edit a Direct Debit online form, which I have never done before and which has all kind of crazy legalities associated with it and the security of it.
So... I don't know. It's just mental. And I feel like if I launch the site in a timely fashion everyone will love me, and if it gets delayed for any reason, even one out of my control, everyone will hate me.
And I just feel like it's too much on top of trying to learn everyone's name and get through health & Safety inductions and what not.