I’m in the club of writing when you feel like it, not when you think you should. This is double true for someone with autism. If I force myself to do something, and none of my spoons are washed, well my ass ain’t eating that day cause I’m out of soap too.

Lately, I am not writing my novel (despite loving the shit out of the direction its going). That doesn’t mean I’m not writing at all. In fact, I’m writing just enough to keep the creativity flowing.

Right now (write now?), I am writing here and on my second blog, Whispering to the Willows. This is where my writing journey is going and it’s dragging me, it’s voice, along with it. I am completely at its mercy and can do nothing about it at this time.

Energy for me comes is like a current, much like when I was a kid and would make whirlpools while swimming. It was difficult to walk or swim in the opposite direction of the flow, but when you lay back, and let it take you wherever, the journey is much more pleasurable.

I think all should apply it to their life, to some degree. You might be pleasantly surprised at the results if you do.

I hope your days are filled with doing the things you love and not burning yourself out.

With love and plot twists,

Haunt Me On My Socials: instagram, tiktok, threads, website

Subscribe now

Life has been very weird lately.

Not X-Files weird, but just odd. I’ve come to the realization as I get older that I may have autism but was never diagnosed growing up. How could I have been? I always got good grades, followed rules, never needed aid or support, paid attention, and did things with good detail. A lot of women slip through the cracks because we have to mask. I honestly didn’t start struggling with my brain until I had my child.

Although my child is my entire world and partner in crime, raising a clone of yourself—who also has ADHD and autism—puts a lot of demand on the nervous system. For me, it’s forever figuring out a meal plan and executing it DAILY, being touched out and regulating their meltdowns, keeping up with needs and appointments, and just putting energy into making sure that they turn out decently while being happy.

In spite of all the hardships that go into it, I wouldn’t change it for a thing. The only thing I could change or do better would be to help myself be able to meet those needs better.

In my 30s, I started unraveling who I was at my core and being honest about what I could handle and take on. Other people get the cliché midlife crisis where they get a dream car, suddenly go traveling, get tattoos, and a whole myriad of crazy stuff. My act of rebellion consisted of allowing myself to just be me and rest, say no and be done with explaining, unmasking, putting down things that weren’t mine to carry, investing in breakfast sandwiches, and being honest about my energy levels to my loved ones.

This also translates into my dreams of having a successful author career and writing my first full-length novel. Despite wanting that, I have to navigate my brain rebelling against it—even though it’s good for me.

When I first started out writing and learning what went into book writing, I came across a lot of YT videos of authors doing it this way and that way. I used to think I had to do it the same, but the way I was doing it was so rigid to my brain that it felt like I was punching in a dream, inside of a mold of Jello… in the ocean.

As y’all may know, this year I was working on my full-length novel, Let Her Weep. I don’t know how many times I plotted it, re-plotted, wrote it halfway, quit, rewrote it halfway again—just to be unhappy and shelving it completely this week.

What they don’t tell you is the sadness and shame that comes with the decision to shelve it, despite loving your characters. I simply couldn’t make it work, and I felt better in my decision after seeing that I wasn’t alone in making it. Numerous authors who have books out have had to shelve a WIP a time or two, and that’s okay.

What I didn’t see during the project was the pressure I was putting on myself. In my journey of learning more about autism, I find that I suffer from demand avoidance. In order to be perfect, or look like I fit in or be normal, I will nearly kill my brain trying to do something I absolutely dislike doing. It was freeing and damning when I realized this about myself. Here are some things I did that led to me shelving my WIP:

— Giving Myself a Set Deadline —

My brain really hates this one. If I am writing something and it’s not far along, I will not do it or keep changing due dates. I didn’t even like telling someone what year it would come out.

— Overplotting a Story —

I work better when I am not weighed down by numerous plotting bullets. I work better as a discovery writer who will later put things in order and work from there.

— Telling People What I’m Writing —

Jokes on me—I keep doing this out of excitement, and then it backfires. Once the excitement wears off, I realize that I told people and they are expecting it. RIP to my motivation.

— Not Taking Writing Breaks to Pursue Other Hobbies —

Once I wrote for a month straight, daily, with no other hobbies to kind of chill me out. I burnt out quicker than a spark in dry weather.

— Putting expectations on myself instead of writing how I want —

I was writing stories that I thought people would like instead of coming from my heart.

What I’m doing to combat this going forward:

• My mouth is now Fort Knox when it comes to writing projects. Classified. Need-to-know only.

• I no longer plot a story to death. Light plotting, vibes, and discovery only.

• I write what I want, for myself—people be damned.

• I don’t give myself deadlines. It’ll be done when it’s done.

• Rediscovering abandoned hobbies and actually taking breaks like a functional human.

• Prioritizing sleep, alone time, and nervous system regulation like it’s a prescription.

• And finally, never giving up—or giving the satisfaction to anyone who ever doubted my dreams.

Do you struggle with making your brain work with writing sometimes? Let me know in the comments how you combat it and make things work.

With love and plot twists,

Haunt Me On My Socials: instagram, tiktok, threads, website

Subscribe now