To wander amidst crumbling forests.
Ancient air sucked into these lungs.
I feel eucalyptus washing over every pore.
Strangling the dirt and depression in my soul.
Coming to the lake, diving underneath.
Watching you shimmer on my skin once more.
Reflection and memories, days folded.
But I breathe and I close my eyes.
Touching every space around me.
Knowing that you’re there.
The stars rain down, yet daylight doesn’t fade.
I walk slowly through years of this planet’s movements.
Licking fossils, finding gold.
I want to stay in this mist of time forever.
Lie down and let the leaves cover me.
To be found by my future self.
Peeling off old skin and scars.
The noise of the world softens in this place.
I cry for no reason, but for the thanks at being alive.
Tears traveling like tiny ants to bead into the earth.
Slipping into the system of life.
Waiting for the spring of eternal surrender.
Category: life
THE INCESSANT HUMMING OF INDIFFERENCE
Again, again it comes.
Like a fog rolling through the bones.
The spectre of despondence.
Kiss me gently to lure beyond the overwhelm.
An evil bloomed deep within.
Long ago, when the marrow was fusing.
Pockets of little daisies, poisonous reminders of mortality.
When it all ends, when the judgements fall.
What separates the life from one lived?
Too long the accustomed thoughts of apathy have prevailed.
Followed me from childhood.
When the toys were smashed, when the protectors abandoned.
When the expectations came with their sticky bulldoze.
What if I were my future?
Those lives you hoped for, yet did nothing to uphold.
Who separates the child from the man?
These parameters find their place, and force a rejection.
Of engagement, of evolution.
A soul, inside a man; with eyes of a child.
And a heart decomposing from the start.
PROFESSIONAL TRAUMA
Grasping into the air, coming up empty.
Reaching for the diamonds that you scatter.
Peppering oily words that lodge in my teeth.
My scull exhales.
I Blink.
You’re gone.
My house sits quietly.
The storm in the stillness, awaiting the break.
An internal collapse has rendered my soul paralysed.
A need to function, a call in the dark.
The wolf of the world howls in reply.
Teasing and taunting from my fingertips.
These dusty eyes are washed in my sea of overwhelm.
I breathe once more underwater.
Picking out the thorn buried deep in my side.
For I must go on, we must reach towards the light.
Though to drown in the sparks and spray of history, would sanctify my relevance.
I shudder, and weep.
For I too, still long to be complete.
Weeds
A vacancy of care, this blanket cast over a life which moves all too quickly towards a known unknown.
Deep in the garden of this soul, dwells more things than time can offer adequate explanation.
Some things lurk in the shadows; others posture in the light.
The precious illusions of a healthy robust system, veils the knife’s edge of ever-threatening entropy.
So much here is living, so much here is dead already.
The deceased help the others in their spiritual rot. Bringing circles to life, which go round and round.
You came here and stood, while the grasses and the flowers tickled your feet.
Always barefoot in my garden, letting me smell your skin.
Wanting to slip within and feel more comfortable.
You took away those insecurities, wondering at the fruit and vine. You spent time, amongst my flowers and didn’t shy from the weeds.
Weeds, they do not thrive in happy conditions; they struggle and push; fighting for their place.
I let them flourish now but capping them at times, so they do not block out the light.
They are just as precious as the roses, and the gladioli; opposite ugly. The nasty side of my soul.
A garden begins from tiny seeds and a little hope. I watered it with the tears and sweat of a life forced upon broken shoulders. Maintained and cared for by the fairies, that took me away.
Walled away from the other plots, so as not to copy their design.
We grew too big for the space, going up and down into sky and soil. Seeking the light, and comforted by the dark. For in the dark, we aren’t a part of the outside world.
When you came, when you lifted the gate; the birds began to sing.
When you left, the flowers began to die.
But you did come, and you had stayed. Loving the weeds and the flowers as the same.
Now I must shake off the soil and decide what to plant next.
Chaos Capable
This disease is debilitating.
But it comes as no surprise.
Stuck inside this circumstance.
Somewhere known where I can hide.
This giving has me disabled.
Over ending, over thinking.
Licking lesions that cannot heal.
Equivocation, being lucid in the end.
Snuffing out pockets of light within.
Runs the risk to start again.
One sided, overbearing.
Clipped and sawed to fit your hands.
A tree reaching invisible bell jar heights.
Breathing its own recycled mistakes.
My inner rings of Saturn, show growth from strain.
Locked forever till broke open, scars all the same.
As feathers unfurl and flick away yesterdays.
We climb towards the sun and oncoming lights.
Fraying, soaring, freewheeling.
Beautifully chaotic in the fall and the demise.
Dream now in colour
Clouds collapse as I pass on through.
Padding this prison with colour.
Explosions in my eyes.
Memories shiver out like masturbation.
Leaving residue across my smile.
You were once dark like charcoal.
Crumble to kiss, choking my mind.
Infiltrating the lungs of life.
Returning now, from a trip to your heart.
Licked and loved, reborn into frantic shimmers.
Colours which dance like the sun across a ceiling.
Splintered out through the stained glass of my soul.
Where once I stumbled, I now walk.
Framing these moments that splutter dreams.
Magic and flared, fireworks of indescribable possibilities.
I dream now in colour.
I bury the past in grey.
Living out the future in shocking stains which stay.
Glaciers beyond my eyes
Altered states which cling to the walls of my soul.
An inside bark, encasing the underneath.
Cut, and see the rings of my life.
Of this existence.
Petrified and stained by the echoes of ghosts.
These eyes witness the great collapse.
The rebuilding and celebration of all things before.
And after.
A deconstruction of a self that hums in stasis.
Fumbling words to questions no one really asks.
Lips painted and parted.
Moving through headache greys and champagne elation.
Burying a love.
Suffocating a happiness, trapping the beauty and moments.
Now these eyes shift with my vibrating soul.
Moving under their own weight in order to stay in place.
Constantly evolving and expanding.
Yet motionless to others.
Cold to touch.
But beautiful in its inaccessibility.
Alchemical spring
A breath so light it fogs upon emerald leaves.
The bringer of rain tumbles the tears and drinks again.
Within the stork, beneath the bark.
Rivers of life speed through the revival.
Like an opening hymn, the flowers unfurl.
Baring their covered need towards the sun.
Dazzling the dangerously bored by their beauty.
Hunting the light to breathe.
The frost still settles.
The ground still hardens.
And the pain of winter still burns upon remembrance.
Yet the wind and the movement of the world forces a change.
Spinning into the future as all still struggle to survive.
Aviate my liberator
Smother, suffer, succumb.
Lying in the snow drifts of my mind.
Covered in nothing and everything,
The weight of the world in it’s translucent sky.
Pushing down like an avalanche on me.
This is the truck stop of those dreams.
A terminus for the lonely, eager to get away.
I climb aboard my own tiger.
Push through the fog of souls who cling to that static.
Saving up for someday, though someday will never be.
Sprint, spring, survive.
Bursting out of the undergrowth, away from the desert.
Shaking the sand and the sadness from my existential shoe.
Everything will be okay.
I never had it all this time.
As the hand of the clock smacks my skin.
Bruising and bursting the flesh to find a way inside.
Reminders crawling underneath of a now, of a moment.
Which is all we really have.
I hold my breath, count to ten.
Throw away the screens and keep only what is needed.
Place soil in my pockets, so I’m closer to the ground.
Tears in my eyes, so the sea swells inside me.
A return to a place which spat out these bones.
The womb of the world, ground and the sky.
Strung up between the two, as the old me dies.
Internal/central
This illuminating version.
Drifting.
Loving, only when the time is right.
When it’s uncalled for.
Who knew?
Who cared?
A scorched soul while the film played on.
And all roads led to the same.
Your heart curdled up tight.
Wearing out my mind.
Melting the plastic of the world we once inhabited.
Central now.
Gaining control of a need that was needed.
Crazy, only to know we were always driving.
Using our knees to steer.
Hoping to crash and burn.
In a beautiful all consuming fire.
So central to our survival.
Lazarus
The memories had settled, like a layer of dust.
The sediment of life.
All quiet, only snow making a descent to disturb the spirit.
Time washing their feet.
Soaking it in like a golden virus.
Lining the lungs with platinum.
So easy to remain unmoved.
To close the eyes and drift away.
For the birds to lift the life out through the window.
But it was there still.
The pebble in the mind.
The needle in the side.
A notion of incomplete.
A spot of milk on the sideboard of the soul.
The eyelids flutter dustily.
The mouth parts slowly like the red sea.
A miracle come in to being, of a body that moves with hope.
Of a yearning to do, what it still does not know.
Lifting out of the dream.
To do what it was put here to do.
A completion, before it moves on.
And knows what it does not yet know.
Maddening loop
When the clothes of life don’t fit us right.
All the world hums in a headache grey.
I wish for it all to fade away.
To drown in the peace of a miracle.
Or to sleep in the air of reframe.
But life is wanton, and but an ocean of torment.
And pain is the reservoir that keeps refilling.
Washing over me, again and again
Tidal
How high to stem the breaching tide.
That washes daily into our lives.
A rise and fall, with horrific force.
Split and cut right through our course.
And though at times it seems sublime.
It slowly soaks with turpentine.
A drowning water in our lungs.
Of life’s debris, while Satan hums.
And watches while we slowly sink.
God’s dye is cast, a deep red ink.
Which covers us and pulls us under.
Ripped from mercy, cast asunder.
And so we land in bits and pieces.
Choked on truth, strewn on beaches.
And watch while new shores rise and peak.
A brave new world, in which to wreak….havoc
Death is little more
With all this talk of heaven.
Lapping at your feet.
Washes only the surface.
Never flowing deep.
For inside the bones are rotten.
And the sins stain and swell.
Redemption is forgotten.
Perpetuating this hell.
Typhoid and swans
Summer days with rain.
A tearing at this side.
Spilling petals and ruin.
A Day with the night.
The moon, coming into view pocked and dusty.
Out in the ocean, cast into life.
Waiting for the smile to flow from a sentence.
Communication, then nothing.
Nothing, then communication.
A constant pulse of anxious disregard.
Release now, free of feelings.
Feathers dipped in oil.
Diseases and love that swallow like a lake.
To eat off of chipped china, filling stomachs swollen with greed.
And such need.
To scrub away the blood that stains.
The candy stuck in the tooth.
We are all but sticks floating down the river of life.
Passing through the weeping willows of the world.
Making our way to swamps, not seas.
Beached
This picture of you, drawn out of such a moment in time.
Chiselled out of the clouds and into my eye.
I reached inside of myself, only to find you there.
Setting up a place for us.
A home, deep within the fathoms of my uncertainty.
Placing sticks and rugs over deep old wounds.
Silently you swell.
Sweetly you settle.
Patching holes and broken pieces of the past.
I radiate out a pulse, searching for something to slip away into.
But I’m strung up in your willowed reaches.
Your horizoned heart.
Your memory beaches.
Ultimately I relinquish and peel off my skin.
The fuselage of fear splinters away and we brace for impact.
Washing ashore of this Elysium dream.
Everything (in time)
The earth subsides.
Transient thoughts of escape.
Dissipate.
Pick the petals from my mouth.
As the mourners avert their eyes.
Death, was no surprise.
Yet this extension, a spark inside.
Flutters like a butterfly trapped.
The decades wash over me now in waves.
Heady and fragrant.
Crashing coral like beauty through my soul.
Leaving stains like memories in my eyes.
How long was I there, what was left?
Do these bones show rings if sliced in two.
I feel born anew.
Trembling and naked like the first day.
Yet now, covered in the embryonic fluid of knowing.
That tomorrow is just the beginning.
Modern life
Stanley wanted nothing more.
Then a pair of new trainers, like the boy next door.
So he went to the shops and emptied his pockets.
But some coins, a tissue and a small toy rocket.
Could not amount to the high priced brand.
And he was asked to leave by the security man.
So Stanley went away for a while.
But then came back, with a cheeky smile.
And he stole those shoes, from right under their nose.
And wore them home, in such comfortable toes.
But alas, this was not the end for Stanley.
Who began to steal things, to feel more manly.
He moved on to televisions and peddling dope.
At only 15, he was beyond all hope.
Of ever being on the straight and narrow.
Hitting the underworld, fast like an arrow.
Now he runs with a questionable crowd.
Who only ever think out loud.
And cannot be trusted as far as thrown.
Poor Stanley I fear, has never grown.
So don’t be surprised if you come across him.
Shoplifting in Tesco or shooting up with a grin.
For if you try to talk, or have a rescue plan.
He’ll flip you the finger, and steal your gran.
Typhoid and many swans
TYPHOID AND SWANS
Summer days with rain.
A tearing at this side.
Spilling petals and ruin.
A Day with the night.
The moon, coming into view pocked and dusty.
Out in the ocean, cast into life.
Waiting for the smile to flow from a sentence.
Communication, then nothing.
Nothing, then communication.
A constant pulse of anxious disregard.
Release now, free of feelings.
Feathers dipped in oil.
Diseases and love that swallow like a lake.
To eat off of chipped china, filling stomachs swollen with greed.
And such need.
To scrub away the blood that stains.
The candy stuck in the tooth.
We are all but sticks floating down the river of life.
Passing through the weeping willows of the world.
Making our way to swamps, not seas.
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Washed over me
This stream of thought.
This river of time.
Washes over and feels sublime.
I watch the world as it drifts on by.
A passing ripple.
A distant cry.
Yet I have drowned in these moments passed.
Lost now forever.
For nothing lasts.
And though my body floats on the tide.
It’s only a reminder.
Of how all life subsides.
A Matter of urgency
A slow decline.
That pushes our fingers to the edge.
To find a place more sublime.
Than the tapping keys forever misplaced.
For these bones will crumble, fall and fade.
While the universe will keep on spinning.
Its murky waters in which to wade.
Find the end of that new beginning.
Your fast ascent.
Existence spent.
Lair of a liar
Cheap and nasty, true and bold.
Tales of hiding, fears untold.
Spring out of mouths that should be closed.
Locked in brains too old to know.
Gestate in places dark and hidden.
Finding victims so equally ridden.
For what you give is what you get.
What goes around, lest we forget.
The Great nothing
Eventually it all dissolves into nothing.
A heart full like a crowded house.
Junk filling up each cupboard.
The brain full of Christmas decorations.
Which have long ago lost their sparkle.
It weighs down upon a soul that was born to fly.
Clipping the wings and keeping it upon the earth.
The flightless bird of an evolved life.
Beneath the feathers and failures, the bones will break.
Fossilized then crumbled, in the rough hands of god.
Blown into dust, cast out into the cosmos.
It all fades into the great big nothing.
Little spots on time, that do not register our existence.
Like flies on a windshield.
Butterflies on steering wheels.
Irritating beauty that falls apart in frailty.
We all go back to where we belong.
Unknown and empty.
Shooting up black fireworks.
Into the oily blank space of our sky.
Down in your heart
Caught in a life.
The glass prison.
A rope that pulls tighter each day.
Time forever tiptoes beyond our reach.
Layering us in dust and sighs.
Drop the illusions now of what you want.
And decide.
Who do you want to be?