HER I AM...

It's been a while since I posted on my blog.  Life has been very trying, exhausting and overwhelming.  I have been living in a defense and reaction mode for too long. It's affecting my faith, my body, my mind and my spirit.  It has been a deep valley.

My Mother passed away a few weeks ago after a long battle with dementia.  She was tired and in pain. At 3 days shy of her 97th birthday, she finally rested and went to sleep. This morning our neighbor, Harold passed away.  I am at that stage in life where losing friends and family is happening too often.  My grandmother warned me of these days.  Now they are here.

Mom's passing was not peaceful. This is something I have not understood. I have had doubts and confusion wondering where my Saviour was and what was His plan.  I know He will reveal it to me when He thinks I am ready. I really feel that the answers are inside my soul, I just have not been open to receiving. I am in a high protection mode right now, and I am praying.

I haven't seen my daughter in five years.  I needed her. She is not going to be here, ever and that has been a daily mental battle with depression. There was so much hate, and it continues.  Distance is a matter of survival.

So here I am, trying to find my new and different direction, different goals, feeling lost and physically out of control. Fibromyalgia does that. Sleep patterns, appetite, focus, and pain control has been challenging and continues.  Hopefully writing this all down will ease my physical pain, help me sort some thoughts, and help me get back to a routine, whatever that may be.

Brain dump:

WEATHER here in the Ozarks is hot, humid, cool, stormy and all that comes in between. Today it is hot, humid, and everything is wet after a good rain last night.  The sky lit up at 3am this morning, lightning lit the sky and a heavy rain fell.

AROUND THE HOUSE I see food that I do not want to eat, a refrigerator that needs purged and sanitized, a bathroom that also needs a good clean from top to bottom, decorations for the 4th of July parade and boat ride are piled up and ready, laundry is caught up. Of course, I can always dust and wash windows, that is part of our Ozarks life.

CREATIVELY I have closed my facebook account.  I recently added content creator to my profile and facebook started wanting me to pay them money. I was not out to make money, I just wanted to have some creative fun. Then I got hacked.  Yes, I could have tried to fix it. But at the same time my Mother was facing her last breath on this earth, we were traveling in the car 5 hours a day, and it just seemed to be so unimportant, I deleted it. Sure I can rebuild it, but I just am not a fan of the facebook program and the lack of control it gives me.  I am going to play with Instagram a little bit and see if I can "enjoy" the experience.

WANTS: 

Hang the new mirror in the master bathroom, install the new sconces, paint it a new color. 

Sell the large oak chest in our master bedroom, move the black bench in its place and have nothing in front of our big triple window which also has an ac vent in the floor.  I would like our bedroom to feel a bit more feminine.  Sometimes I focus on function and forget that I am also a girl.

Paint our dining room furniture? Our dining room has no outside light and is dark.  I love the dark and moody feeling we get with lamps but the furniture is brown and some color in there would make it a big and brighter space.

We have been in our lake house almost two years now.  I spent the first year just putting things away where we had space.  We are blessed with lots of closets and storage spaces in our home.  Then we began our human pattern building.  Our favorite place to sit, to watch tv, to create, to work, to cook, etc. began to develop.  I have heard you need to live in your space and get to know how you use it. True for me. This next year I am focusing on making our home pretty and attractive to my eyes.  We will see where that goes.  My tastes have changed and I need more femininity surrounding me on a daily basis.

PRAYERS FOR MYSELF:  Dear Father, thank you that you want me to get my hopes up. You want me to start expecting good things to happen in my life. Where my faith is weak, please help me to grow stronger so I can trust You to deliver what my Faith expects.

A young man told me "God bless you" today.  A walmart employee gave me their patriotic headband and told me I was pretty.  A stranger opened the store door for me.  A neighbor made me home made lasagne, made from scratch. I made a neighbor homemade brownies.  My husband brought me my a large cup of ice from the local store and shopped Walmart for necessities.  I have a good life. I have love. I live in a nice home surrounded by beauty in every direction.  I am blessed and I need that reminder today, that life is good, even when I am sad. Even when my heart is broken and feels alone.

I am sending positive energy to all, and to myself.  Love is appreciated.

Jackie

aka GeeDazee

Catching up.

 Hello out there,

I miss blogging so I am going to be attempting to get back to writing more often.

Yesterday, while sitting on our patio looking at our pond I saw it start turning.  We have been here 22 years and each spring and fall the pond water will turn.  This is the first time I have ever seen it happen and was able to watch it happen over a 2 hour period.  The water was crystal clear, you could see all the way to the bottom.  Then it started getting cloudy at the south end, looked like smoke or steam rising from the water.  Slowly it creeped along until half the pond looked like it was in a hazy meadow.  This was 7 pm in the evening on a hot sunny day.  By dark the pond was no longer smoky above the water and it just appeared to be cloudy.  This morning it is back to being clear again.  Nature amazes me.

Today is a hot one, the thermometer is reading 99 and sunny.  Thehubs is mowing, the heat will force him to take many breaks. Yesterday I picked my first cucumber from my garden. We have 2 semi ripe tomatoes and will probably eat them this weekend.  So far we have had onions, beets, dill, radishes, and peas.  For a very small space, we do seem to get a good yield.  In past years the garden was bigger, but at age 65 with 5 fusions in my back, it is now a lot smaller.  Thehubs built me a sidewalk all the way around our house about 3-4 feet from our home.  This area is much easier to weed and prepare and I can stay on the sidewalk when I work it.

We are still looking for a home in another city. We currently have 2 acres of landscaped yard and a large home with storage buildings. I am ready for a smaller home, a smaller yard and more time to enjoy laughing and exploring.  I am ready for a smaller chore list.  My back is ready too.

I was very blessed  and thankful for a friend that recommended a fantastic cleaning lady.  She is the only helper I have had that has told me to pay her what God lays upon my heart.  I pay her well, as she does all the hard stuff while I do the easy stuff.  Her hands are strong, her heart is giving and she made my bathrooms sparkle.  Thank you Dear Lord for sending her my way.

I was blessed with a visit with a long time blogging friend Linda and Louis Dean Chapman.  Linda's blog is https://lindaslifejournal-artlady1948.blogspot.com/   named Linda's Life Journal.  She was one of the first bloggers to welcome me with open arms to the blogging world.  She is way more disciplined than I!  She has continued to blog and getting to know her is a wonderful experience.  She is so kind and her blog reflects her wisdom and creativity.  We drove the hour and a half to meet up with Linda, LOuis Dean, Brenda and Billy in Branson, MO.  They had been in Branson to see some shows and had rented a cabin.  Linda and I connected and planned to meet.  They are so gracious on the way there she text me and said they would serve us brunch when we arrived.  Delicious food around a table of friends, felt so good!  Thank you Lord for this, for Linda, Ld, Billy and Brenda.

Lord, I thank you for this blogging platform and all the good people who use it.  

Thank you for stopping by.

A little of my world

 Hello dear friends,

Maybe it is time for me to make a post about my home decor.  I don't claim to be a decorator. I love what I have and most of it is a collection of items gathered over the last 25 years.

Comfort is number one for us, function is just as important. So as I take you through my home today, you may see bits of everything.  Mostly, I have plants.  I love plants, especially small ones that I can grow along with.

I love these carts!  Thehubs hates them but when I vacuum they just roll out of the way, they store anything and can even be used outside.

I also love my vegetable/fruit wire bins. I have had them forever. They are great storage.

We built our home 23 years ago. Board by board, each one touched by thehubs. We had left our 3600+sq ft home with an inground pool and walkout basement, 5 bedrooms, in the city. The kids had all moved out and the big house was too much for thehubs and I. 

This is our back yard.

February is not a goo dmonth for pictures.

Today, the wind is blowing, it is 35 degrees.

Everything is brown and muddy.

Typical Missouri February.

Thanks for stopping by!

JackieSee

aka

GeeDazee

Another Monday

 Dear Friends, I will be glad to see January come to an end. It has been cloudy, cold and wet. Our weatherman tells us that February will begin with sunshine and warmer temperatures!

The pond has been frozen for a few weeks and slowly it turns to slush. When I look outside, I am reminded of the movie Funny Farm with Chevy Chase. That movie always makes me laugh! 

We live in the country, as I have for most of my life.  Life here is changing though.  We now have people living here and not respecting our laws, our neighbors, our quiet or our friendliness.  They are currently disobeying laws, being a problem with their neighbors and throwing their trash anywhere they want.  I understand that coming across our border with no plans, no money, no direction gives them little choices. Afterall, choices are a luxury for most people. But to just throw your trash out your door onto the neighbors is not American. Then them telling the community that "There is more to come" has raised concern.  You see, we are a good 30 minutes from 911. We depend on each other, on being aware and protecting each other. I pray that these new neighbors and their new community within our community learn that we need each other.

I awoke at 4 am this morning. I hurt from pain in my bones, my old bones, my not so great bones. I saw my cousin's home wake up and leave for work, then another cousin, then another. I am surrounded by family, mostly cousins younger than me, and their kids.  My brother bought the land years ago and then built a pond and a private lane.  He then sold lots to each of our family and we have all built new homes here. I have over 30 years of hard labor in this land, it is beautiful to sit and watch the sun rise up over our pond.

I love Mondays here. It is a quiet catch up day with all the kids back to school and work. A day for me to catch up on my thoughts and duties. My heart tachycardia seems to be less painful and less occuring, at least the intensity of it. My new hip and spine are getting stronger, at a painful and slow pace, due to being flat on my back for over 4 months. I am now only taking 2-4 tylenol per day or less. The work is paying off.

January included some purging, cleaning and organizing. My pantry, didn't get torn apart and wiped clean this year, But it did get wiped, purged and organized. I also concentrated on our bathroom cabinets.  I have a very large three-mirrored medicine cabinet that is great storage. But most of the storage is in lower cabinets, which I don't bend or kneel as easy as I use to. I keep our towels in a cabinet in a corner next to the toilet.  I don't like them there, too hard to twist, bend and kneel so I plan to find a way to move lesser used items into that cabinet. They have some really nice organizers available now, and its a good time to get it done.

It is winter, so not much going on except plans for this years garden. I wanted to order from Park seeds but wow, $50 for 5 seeds packets, had to think on that one. I still may as their quality is top notch but wow, I am having an adjustment period before pay now button is clicked.  Their radish seeds are the best I have ever planted. I want to plant peas, radishes, lettuce, cucumbers, tomatoes and maybe potatoes. Also I will need the flowers and herbs to draw in the pollinators! 

Our Kansas City Chiefs are going to the SuperBowl!!!!  Yea, we love KC!  We live about 2 hours south and we take short trips to the city to shop and eat great food.  KC Barbecue, yum!!

aka: jackiesee