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ghostisclearfandom: dimension 20: escape from the bloodkeep
characters/ships: efink murderdeath/lilith, the rest of the eftbk crew
rating: mature
additional info: what we do in the shadows au, blood drinking, background ships (john/maggie, leiland/markus)
words: 2821
— original post date: 11/02/2020
“It is knife backwards, yes. Uh huh, Murderdeath. One word. It's been translated a lot through the centuries but it does always sound extremely cool.”
Efink Murderdeath sits in a lone chair in front of the camera—posture regal and smile wide despite her shifting gaze.
“So, I just...look at you? Or into the creature's eye?”
.
“This is my room!”
Efink gestures proudly to the damp, dimply lit interior.
“Here's the staff of Randolph—stolen—and a pool containing blood from all my past lovers—donated.”
The room is decorated with all manner of sparkly and slightly off putting memorabilia, which Efink spends a great deal of time cataloging and monologuing about.
“Oh, you'll love this, look at this!” Efink scurries over to an empty patch of wall and beckons the camera closer.
“Now that I have a human lover, I've found that being constantly just soaking wet is not great, so now I have all my walls wet instead,” she shares an indulgent smile with the camera. “Isn't it great? So drippy.”
.
Sitting in front of the camera again, Efink is this time joined by another woman, who looks comparatively much more normal.
“This is Lilith,” Efink grandly sweeps her hand in front of the woman sitting next to her, “Respected Leader of the evil PTA, Doctor of the Domain of Arachnids, and Single Provider to her many, many children.”
The look she levels the camera with gives the impression that this is supposed to be intimidating.
A crash of thunder sounds outside the manor.
“Oh, well, aren't you sweet,” Lilith takes Efink's hand, “You know I love that trick.”
“Yes.”
Another crack of thunder as Efink stares down the camera.
“We're not necessarily called the evil PTA though,” Lilith looks away from Efink and turns her attention forward, “The members just happen to be, for the most part, evil.”
“Is it not also an evil organization?”
Lilith's face scrunches as she considers that.
.
“Ok, ok, everyone settle down!”
Lilith stands in front of a group of adults, parents presumably, sitting in a well lit living room—a stark contrast to the dinge of Efink's basement living quarters.
“Uh, Lilith, what is...all this?” A man asks, looking very uncomfortable in his seat on the sofa.
The others seem to share his concerns, indistinguishable chatter instantly breaking out among the group.
“This is Efink's camera crew, Leiland,” Lilith says genially, “Remember I told you she's doing some sort of documentary? And it's not like they can film her right now.”
She looks out the window, regarding the afternoon sun with a shrug.
“The vampire you're dating?” A woman leans forward, suddenly incredibly enthusiastic. “Yes, okay, yes—this is what we need to be talking about!”
Another man, arm slung around Leiland, speaks up, “What we need to be talking about is whether or not we're getting paid for our appearance in this so-called documentary.”
“No, can we just—“
“Babe, Markus is right,” the last member of the PTA speaks up from beside Maggie, “We really should be looking at some kind of contract, you know, get something written up.”
Markus and the man clasp hands over and behind the couch with a muffled exchange that sounds along the lines of “John” and “My man”.
“Alright, people, can we please—“
.
Lilith sits alone at the dining room table of what seems to be the same house.
“Yes, I'm a single mother—four beautiful kids, very special kids.” She takes a moment to gather her thoughts, hands clasped in front of her, “It can be hard.”
(Audible from the other room:
“She's dating a fucking vampire, Markus, don't you want to hear about—“
“Sure! Fine! If it's gonna be on camera though—“
“—Aren't you the least bit interested,”
“I think we can all agree—“
“Clearly we can't agree, Leiland!”
“Guys, don't we have, y'know, PTA stuff to—“
“John!”)
Lilith looks directly at the camera, face blank.
“Running a PTA meeting can be harder.”
.
Night time, at the same home.
Lilith crouches in front of her children—ruffling hair, straightening clothes, kissing cheeks.
“Be good for Auntie Maggie and Uncle John, mommy's little angels!”
The kids squirm in their mother's embrace.
“Aw, mom, can't we play with Efink too?”
“Yeah, we wanna go flying again!”
“Don't worry kiddos, we're gonna have tons of fun here too,” John assures them.
He and Maggie stand in the doorway to the living room, another small child between them, “We've already got the home shopping channel on!”
Lilith shoots them a grateful smile.
“Play nice with Leiland Jr! Mommy loves you!”
(Their voices get quieter as Maggie and John shuffle the kids off to the living room and Lilith watches on.
“This is the best part kids, watch this.”
The distant sounds of the TV personalities discussing the price of a set of tupperware filters in.
“You're kidding me, Maggie! At that price?”
“I know, John! What a steal!”
Their fake laughter and mocking causes an uproar among the children.)
.
“Yes, I have met Lilith's children,” Efink says, back in front of the camera.
This time she sits not in her wet, basement room, but one with walls covered in portraits.
Almost exclusively of herself, though some do feature a man by her side depicted with a crown to match her own, and others with a strange reptilian-looking creature.
“A very big step, very big honor,” she goes on—hands clasped around her knee, legs crossed, looking very similar to the painting behind her shoulder. “I thought we were serious when she invited me in to the home, but when I found out she was inviting me in to introduce me? Huge!”
She gets up and goes to pick a framed photo off a dresser at the side of the room.
“Look at this!”
When she walks up to the camera it's briefly revealed to be a picture of Efink, hovering a few inches off the ground, with Lilith's children clinging to her arms and legs. She continues until she's pressing the photo nearly flush against the lens.
“Aren't they cute? I just love them!”
She pulls the photo back so that she can look at it herself before a scream reverberates through the house.
“Oh! Doorbell.”
.
Lilith sits alone in front of a roaring fire in a room of the manor yet unseen. The furniture is of all different styles and time periods—the settee under her a particularly gaudy piece.
In her outstretched hand is a spider.
“So cute!” she coos, stroking the small creature. “What about a Violin Spider?”
A puff of smoke and the spider in her palm shifts form.
“Adorable! Ok, ok, how about—“
The spider disappears—Efink appearing in Lilith's lap in its place.
“Do you think the spiders are prettier than me?” She is facing almost entirely away from the camera, the pout on her lips hard to catch.
“Noooo, you're all beautiful,” Lilith's hands come up to rest of Efink's hips. “And more than beautiful!”
Their next words are too quiet to hear.
The camera cuts closer and sound picks back up.
“You know, I was thinking maybe we should introduce you to my PTA friends.”
Efink hums, busying herself with brushing back Lilith's hair.
“They're very curious about you.”
“Alright,” Efink says, meeting Lilith's eyes, “What do you suggest we do? The miniature golf?”
Lilith pulls one of Efink's hands from where it fiddles with her shirt collar and presses a kiss to her fingers.
“That would be very funny, but perhaps we could just have a sort of, dinner party? Here?”
“Dinner?” Efink smiles, “That sounds nice.”
She dips closer, nuzzling her nose against the crook of Lilith's neck.
Lilith laughs, tugs Efink closer.
Her eyes close for a moment before she suddenly startles.
“Darling,” she takes Efink's face in her hand, points it toward the camera, “the crew.”
“Oh, yes,” Efink glares, sitting back up.
Her eyes roll back and the pair are illuminated by a sudden flash of lightning through the window.
“Leave us!”
.
The PTA members stand in front of a house that, while aesthetically fine, has very bad energy.
Incredibly haunted vibes.
“Holy shit, this place is...”
They all come to a stop when they reach the doorway, the silence stretching between them.
“Took the words right out of my mouth, dear.” Leiland says, placing his hand on Markus' arm.
Lilith steps forward to press the doorbell and looks back expectantly at her friends.
A scream comes from within, muffled, but still enough to startle some of the group.
“What the fuck,” John looks relatively unfazed despite the confusion on his face.
“Actually,” Maggie nods, “I kind of like it.”
The door swings open and a hush falls.
Efink stands before them, shoots a look to Lilith before saying, “Hey, PTA, I'm Efink Murderdeath. Welcome to my crypt.”
In the quiet that follows, made only more apparent by Lilith's laughter and soft smattering of applause, Efink wrings her hands together.
“Did I...did I say it right?” she asks Lilith quietly.
“Yes! Yes, it's a joke, everyone,” Lilith turns to the others still standing a step behind her, “Like MTV's Cribs, remember? It's funny!”
As it becomes increasingly obvious that this entrance was planned by Lilith, her friends rally behind her in varying degrees of success.
Various assurances of 'oh, yeah, Cribs' and 'you're right, it was funny, absolutely' get lost in the shuffle as Efink gestures for them to come in.
“You have my permission to enter,” she says dramatically, waiting for everyone to make their way over the threshold before grinning into the camera.
“Vampire joke. I came up with that one.”
She looks pleased.
.
“You have a lovely home, Efink,” Leiland says as they trail behind her through the house, “Your taste is very...eclectic.”
His eyes stray to the clashing interior of the house, the mishmash of styles having no effect on the politeness of his smile.
“It's honestly so cool in here,” John stands behind Maggie, head tucked over her shoulder to see the ancient tome she flips through.
“I love all the weird shit you have,” Maggie agrees without looking up.
“The weapons room was tight as hell,” Markus gestures to the room they'd just exited, “Even though this whole place smells kind of damp.”
“Thank you for noticing!” Efink stands taller under the comments, “It is damp!”
Lilith beams, pulling Efink's hand to steer the group towards the dining room.
When they arrive they see seven places set with fine china and all the appropriate silverware befitting an upscale meal.
In the center of the table is a huge pile of fun-sized chip bags beside many bottles of red gatorade.
Efink sweeps her arms over the spread, “I went to the market located at the liminal space between 7 and 11.”
Everyone exchanges glances as Efink holds the pose.
“Yeah,” John says, reaching forward into the pile, “This works.”
The rest murmur their assent and grab their own convenience store snacks.
Efink and Lilith share a smile as the group sits.
“Who's the last place set for?” Leiland asks, pointing to the empty seat with a finger colored by doritos flavoring.
“Oh, my roommate,” Efink fiddles with the unopened bag of chips she'd placed on her plate in the spirit of camaraderie, “He's a real kind of, outdoors guy, so I'm not sure if he'll be joining us.”
.
“Uh, I'm Sokhbarr.”
An incredibly large creature sits in the dining room, an amalgamation of different animal features that leaves the mind boggled.
The footage has clearly been cut in from another day—the sun streaking in through the usually closed windows and the table empty of the dinner party guests.
“I also live here, but Efink and I are kind of on different sleep schedules so we don't overlap too often and I'm usually like, outside anyway.”
He gesticulates with his strange hands and looks down to his side.
Something has damaged the film here because the area he speaks toward shows nothing other than static.
Suddenly the camera veers and crashes with a thud to the ground.
“Oh, I'm so sorry,” Sokhbarr comes up and is visibly shaking the camera operator at the edge of the shot.
“I forgot J'er'em'ih can have that effect on humans. You're good—you're okay! Please don't scream!”
The scream of the operator is joined by another screech, truly horrifying, incomprehensible to the mind.
.
A warbling noise comes from elsewhere in the house.
Efink's hands come together in a brief celebration, “He did make it!”
The crunch of chips ceases as she turns seriously to the guests gathered around the table.
“Now we have had some trouble,” she shoots the camera an apologetic grimace, “with his scream beast causing a little...unconsciousness in humans, so you'll probably just have to keep your eyes closed for a few minutes while your brain adjusts to the existential terror of J'er'em'ih's presence.”
“J'er'em'ih?” Leiland sits up even straighter, smiling.
At the same time, Markus says, “I'm the only human, but I think I can probably handle one scream beast.”
Sokhbarr and J'er'em'ih both enter waving—one a hand and the other an eyestalk.
His face lights up as his gaze sweeps over the group, 'Oh, shit, Leiland!”
Efink and Lilith share a look of confusion.
“You know each other?” Lilith asks as the two finish exchanging pleasantries
“Sokhbarr was doing some work for the necromancer who raised me from the dead—I met him and J'er'em'ih there.”
The scream beast has taken up residence in between Leiland and Markus' seats, the former scratching its strange head affectionately.
Markus is sweating profusely, but otherwise is doing remarkably well with his first scream beast encounter.
“Oh, I love that,” Maggie turns to Sokhbarr, “Isn't he great? He's watching the kids tonight.”
“He does great work—animals too, you know, not just humans!” Sokhbarr says, feeding an unopened bag of chips to his own companion.
“Incredible,” Maggie shakes her head, “You know, if you go on his yelp page I'm actually the top rated review.”
“No kidding?”
“Five stars,” Maggie and John both hold up their hands, all five fingers up.
.
“I'm so happy we finally got to do this.”
Lilith gazes happily around the table. The stack of chips has significantly decreased in size and everyone seems much more relaxed.
“Y'know you can use one o' these for a trap,” a voice drawls, eliciting a series of startled replies from the dinner guests.
A scruffy man, covered in dirt, is holding a bottle of gatorade in his hand as he looks around the table.
Sokhbarr curses, covers what might be ears.
“Percival!” Efink jumps up from her seat.
“You put one o' these things on a...picnic table an' the campers come t' get it and y'eat 'em.” The man is entirely unbothered by the commotion he's caused.
“Yes, okay, that's enough,” Efink yanks forcefully on Percival's arm and leads him out of the room.
.
“Why do I feel so exhausted all of a sudden?” John rubs at his eyes.
Everyone seems equally put out, one more so than the rest.
“Also,” Lilith asks, “Who the fuck was that?”
“Efink's husband.” Sohkbarr has unplugged his ears and happily returns to his cheetos, “He's an energy vampire. So irritating he sucks the life out of you—literally.”
.
“Yes, technically, I am married.”
Efink and Lilith sit alone at the table, facing each other instead of the camera.
“Why didn't you tell me?” Lilith keeps her voice even, holds tightly onto Efink's hands. “You know we can always talk—about anything.”
“I was going to I just—“ Efink sighs. “He's always off camping, killing campers I mean, this is the first time he's been back in years and I was planning on getting rid of him soon anyway.”
“What?”
“Well, the only reason I've kept him around this long is because he's the only one who remembers I'm a Queen, and I like that,” she admits with a grimace.
Lilith raises a hand to the woman's cheek, “Oh, Efink.”
“But once we started seeing each other,” Efink continues quickly, leaning in to Lilith's palm, “I came up with this documentary idea so I could get the word out.”
Lilith takes a moment to digest this.
“And then, you know, no more need for Percival!”
Efink smiles when Lilith's other hand comes up to frame her face.
“Absolutely genius, darling.”
The words are soft, adoring, and the contrast between them and the sharp, cutting, smile the two share before they kiss is striking.
.
Efink Murderdeath sits in a lone chair in front of the camera—posture regal and smile wide despite her shifting gaze.
“So, I just...look at you? Or into the creature's eye?”
There's a muffled reply and Efink nods once.
“I am Efink Murderdeath, Farseer, once Queen of the fallen Tyriath. Nice to meet you.”
characters/ships: efink murderdeath/lilith, the rest of the eftbk crew
rating: mature
additional info: what we do in the shadows au, blood drinking, background ships (john/maggie, leiland/markus)
words: 2821
— original post date: 11/02/2020
“It is knife backwards, yes. Uh huh, Murderdeath. One word. It's been translated a lot through the centuries but it does always sound extremely cool.”
Efink Murderdeath sits in a lone chair in front of the camera—posture regal and smile wide despite her shifting gaze.
“So, I just...look at you? Or into the creature's eye?”
.
“This is my room!”
Efink gestures proudly to the damp, dimply lit interior.
“Here's the staff of Randolph—stolen—and a pool containing blood from all my past lovers—donated.”
The room is decorated with all manner of sparkly and slightly off putting memorabilia, which Efink spends a great deal of time cataloging and monologuing about.
“Oh, you'll love this, look at this!” Efink scurries over to an empty patch of wall and beckons the camera closer.
“Now that I have a human lover, I've found that being constantly just soaking wet is not great, so now I have all my walls wet instead,” she shares an indulgent smile with the camera. “Isn't it great? So drippy.”
.
Sitting in front of the camera again, Efink is this time joined by another woman, who looks comparatively much more normal.
“This is Lilith,” Efink grandly sweeps her hand in front of the woman sitting next to her, “Respected Leader of the evil PTA, Doctor of the Domain of Arachnids, and Single Provider to her many, many children.”
The look she levels the camera with gives the impression that this is supposed to be intimidating.
A crash of thunder sounds outside the manor.
“Oh, well, aren't you sweet,” Lilith takes Efink's hand, “You know I love that trick.”
“Yes.”
Another crack of thunder as Efink stares down the camera.
“We're not necessarily called the evil PTA though,” Lilith looks away from Efink and turns her attention forward, “The members just happen to be, for the most part, evil.”
“Is it not also an evil organization?”
Lilith's face scrunches as she considers that.
.
“Ok, ok, everyone settle down!”
Lilith stands in front of a group of adults, parents presumably, sitting in a well lit living room—a stark contrast to the dinge of Efink's basement living quarters.
“Uh, Lilith, what is...all this?” A man asks, looking very uncomfortable in his seat on the sofa.
The others seem to share his concerns, indistinguishable chatter instantly breaking out among the group.
“This is Efink's camera crew, Leiland,” Lilith says genially, “Remember I told you she's doing some sort of documentary? And it's not like they can film her right now.”
She looks out the window, regarding the afternoon sun with a shrug.
“The vampire you're dating?” A woman leans forward, suddenly incredibly enthusiastic. “Yes, okay, yes—this is what we need to be talking about!”
Another man, arm slung around Leiland, speaks up, “What we need to be talking about is whether or not we're getting paid for our appearance in this so-called documentary.”
“No, can we just—“
“Babe, Markus is right,” the last member of the PTA speaks up from beside Maggie, “We really should be looking at some kind of contract, you know, get something written up.”
Markus and the man clasp hands over and behind the couch with a muffled exchange that sounds along the lines of “John” and “My man”.
“Alright, people, can we please—“
.
Lilith sits alone at the dining room table of what seems to be the same house.
“Yes, I'm a single mother—four beautiful kids, very special kids.” She takes a moment to gather her thoughts, hands clasped in front of her, “It can be hard.”
(Audible from the other room:
“She's dating a fucking vampire, Markus, don't you want to hear about—“
“Sure! Fine! If it's gonna be on camera though—“
“—Aren't you the least bit interested,”
“I think we can all agree—“
“Clearly we can't agree, Leiland!”
“Guys, don't we have, y'know, PTA stuff to—“
“John!”)
Lilith looks directly at the camera, face blank.
“Running a PTA meeting can be harder.”
.
Night time, at the same home.
Lilith crouches in front of her children—ruffling hair, straightening clothes, kissing cheeks.
“Be good for Auntie Maggie and Uncle John, mommy's little angels!”
The kids squirm in their mother's embrace.
“Aw, mom, can't we play with Efink too?”
“Yeah, we wanna go flying again!”
“Don't worry kiddos, we're gonna have tons of fun here too,” John assures them.
He and Maggie stand in the doorway to the living room, another small child between them, “We've already got the home shopping channel on!”
Lilith shoots them a grateful smile.
“Play nice with Leiland Jr! Mommy loves you!”
(Their voices get quieter as Maggie and John shuffle the kids off to the living room and Lilith watches on.
“This is the best part kids, watch this.”
The distant sounds of the TV personalities discussing the price of a set of tupperware filters in.
“You're kidding me, Maggie! At that price?”
“I know, John! What a steal!”
Their fake laughter and mocking causes an uproar among the children.)
.
“Yes, I have met Lilith's children,” Efink says, back in front of the camera.
This time she sits not in her wet, basement room, but one with walls covered in portraits.
Almost exclusively of herself, though some do feature a man by her side depicted with a crown to match her own, and others with a strange reptilian-looking creature.
“A very big step, very big honor,” she goes on—hands clasped around her knee, legs crossed, looking very similar to the painting behind her shoulder. “I thought we were serious when she invited me in to the home, but when I found out she was inviting me in to introduce me? Huge!”
She gets up and goes to pick a framed photo off a dresser at the side of the room.
“Look at this!”
When she walks up to the camera it's briefly revealed to be a picture of Efink, hovering a few inches off the ground, with Lilith's children clinging to her arms and legs. She continues until she's pressing the photo nearly flush against the lens.
“Aren't they cute? I just love them!”
She pulls the photo back so that she can look at it herself before a scream reverberates through the house.
“Oh! Doorbell.”
.
Lilith sits alone in front of a roaring fire in a room of the manor yet unseen. The furniture is of all different styles and time periods—the settee under her a particularly gaudy piece.
In her outstretched hand is a spider.
“So cute!” she coos, stroking the small creature. “What about a Violin Spider?”
A puff of smoke and the spider in her palm shifts form.
“Adorable! Ok, ok, how about—“
The spider disappears—Efink appearing in Lilith's lap in its place.
“Do you think the spiders are prettier than me?” She is facing almost entirely away from the camera, the pout on her lips hard to catch.
“Noooo, you're all beautiful,” Lilith's hands come up to rest of Efink's hips. “And more than beautiful!”
Their next words are too quiet to hear.
The camera cuts closer and sound picks back up.
“You know, I was thinking maybe we should introduce you to my PTA friends.”
Efink hums, busying herself with brushing back Lilith's hair.
“They're very curious about you.”
“Alright,” Efink says, meeting Lilith's eyes, “What do you suggest we do? The miniature golf?”
Lilith pulls one of Efink's hands from where it fiddles with her shirt collar and presses a kiss to her fingers.
“That would be very funny, but perhaps we could just have a sort of, dinner party? Here?”
“Dinner?” Efink smiles, “That sounds nice.”
She dips closer, nuzzling her nose against the crook of Lilith's neck.
Lilith laughs, tugs Efink closer.
Her eyes close for a moment before she suddenly startles.
“Darling,” she takes Efink's face in her hand, points it toward the camera, “the crew.”
“Oh, yes,” Efink glares, sitting back up.
Her eyes roll back and the pair are illuminated by a sudden flash of lightning through the window.
“Leave us!”
.
The PTA members stand in front of a house that, while aesthetically fine, has very bad energy.
Incredibly haunted vibes.
“Holy shit, this place is...”
They all come to a stop when they reach the doorway, the silence stretching between them.
“Took the words right out of my mouth, dear.” Leiland says, placing his hand on Markus' arm.
Lilith steps forward to press the doorbell and looks back expectantly at her friends.
A scream comes from within, muffled, but still enough to startle some of the group.
“What the fuck,” John looks relatively unfazed despite the confusion on his face.
“Actually,” Maggie nods, “I kind of like it.”
The door swings open and a hush falls.
Efink stands before them, shoots a look to Lilith before saying, “Hey, PTA, I'm Efink Murderdeath. Welcome to my crypt.”
In the quiet that follows, made only more apparent by Lilith's laughter and soft smattering of applause, Efink wrings her hands together.
“Did I...did I say it right?” she asks Lilith quietly.
“Yes! Yes, it's a joke, everyone,” Lilith turns to the others still standing a step behind her, “Like MTV's Cribs, remember? It's funny!”
As it becomes increasingly obvious that this entrance was planned by Lilith, her friends rally behind her in varying degrees of success.
Various assurances of 'oh, yeah, Cribs' and 'you're right, it was funny, absolutely' get lost in the shuffle as Efink gestures for them to come in.
“You have my permission to enter,” she says dramatically, waiting for everyone to make their way over the threshold before grinning into the camera.
“Vampire joke. I came up with that one.”
She looks pleased.
.
“You have a lovely home, Efink,” Leiland says as they trail behind her through the house, “Your taste is very...eclectic.”
His eyes stray to the clashing interior of the house, the mishmash of styles having no effect on the politeness of his smile.
“It's honestly so cool in here,” John stands behind Maggie, head tucked over her shoulder to see the ancient tome she flips through.
“I love all the weird shit you have,” Maggie agrees without looking up.
“The weapons room was tight as hell,” Markus gestures to the room they'd just exited, “Even though this whole place smells kind of damp.”
“Thank you for noticing!” Efink stands taller under the comments, “It is damp!”
Lilith beams, pulling Efink's hand to steer the group towards the dining room.
When they arrive they see seven places set with fine china and all the appropriate silverware befitting an upscale meal.
In the center of the table is a huge pile of fun-sized chip bags beside many bottles of red gatorade.
Efink sweeps her arms over the spread, “I went to the market located at the liminal space between 7 and 11.”
Everyone exchanges glances as Efink holds the pose.
“Yeah,” John says, reaching forward into the pile, “This works.”
The rest murmur their assent and grab their own convenience store snacks.
Efink and Lilith share a smile as the group sits.
“Who's the last place set for?” Leiland asks, pointing to the empty seat with a finger colored by doritos flavoring.
“Oh, my roommate,” Efink fiddles with the unopened bag of chips she'd placed on her plate in the spirit of camaraderie, “He's a real kind of, outdoors guy, so I'm not sure if he'll be joining us.”
.
“Uh, I'm Sokhbarr.”
An incredibly large creature sits in the dining room, an amalgamation of different animal features that leaves the mind boggled.
The footage has clearly been cut in from another day—the sun streaking in through the usually closed windows and the table empty of the dinner party guests.
“I also live here, but Efink and I are kind of on different sleep schedules so we don't overlap too often and I'm usually like, outside anyway.”
He gesticulates with his strange hands and looks down to his side.
Something has damaged the film here because the area he speaks toward shows nothing other than static.
Suddenly the camera veers and crashes with a thud to the ground.
“Oh, I'm so sorry,” Sokhbarr comes up and is visibly shaking the camera operator at the edge of the shot.
“I forgot J'er'em'ih can have that effect on humans. You're good—you're okay! Please don't scream!”
The scream of the operator is joined by another screech, truly horrifying, incomprehensible to the mind.
.
A warbling noise comes from elsewhere in the house.
Efink's hands come together in a brief celebration, “He did make it!”
The crunch of chips ceases as she turns seriously to the guests gathered around the table.
“Now we have had some trouble,” she shoots the camera an apologetic grimace, “with his scream beast causing a little...unconsciousness in humans, so you'll probably just have to keep your eyes closed for a few minutes while your brain adjusts to the existential terror of J'er'em'ih's presence.”
“J'er'em'ih?” Leiland sits up even straighter, smiling.
At the same time, Markus says, “I'm the only human, but I think I can probably handle one scream beast.”
Sokhbarr and J'er'em'ih both enter waving—one a hand and the other an eyestalk.
His face lights up as his gaze sweeps over the group, 'Oh, shit, Leiland!”
Efink and Lilith share a look of confusion.
“You know each other?” Lilith asks as the two finish exchanging pleasantries
“Sokhbarr was doing some work for the necromancer who raised me from the dead—I met him and J'er'em'ih there.”
The scream beast has taken up residence in between Leiland and Markus' seats, the former scratching its strange head affectionately.
Markus is sweating profusely, but otherwise is doing remarkably well with his first scream beast encounter.
“Oh, I love that,” Maggie turns to Sokhbarr, “Isn't he great? He's watching the kids tonight.”
“He does great work—animals too, you know, not just humans!” Sokhbarr says, feeding an unopened bag of chips to his own companion.
“Incredible,” Maggie shakes her head, “You know, if you go on his yelp page I'm actually the top rated review.”
“No kidding?”
“Five stars,” Maggie and John both hold up their hands, all five fingers up.
.
“I'm so happy we finally got to do this.”
Lilith gazes happily around the table. The stack of chips has significantly decreased in size and everyone seems much more relaxed.
“Y'know you can use one o' these for a trap,” a voice drawls, eliciting a series of startled replies from the dinner guests.
A scruffy man, covered in dirt, is holding a bottle of gatorade in his hand as he looks around the table.
Sokhbarr curses, covers what might be ears.
“Percival!” Efink jumps up from her seat.
“You put one o' these things on a...picnic table an' the campers come t' get it and y'eat 'em.” The man is entirely unbothered by the commotion he's caused.
“Yes, okay, that's enough,” Efink yanks forcefully on Percival's arm and leads him out of the room.
.
“Why do I feel so exhausted all of a sudden?” John rubs at his eyes.
Everyone seems equally put out, one more so than the rest.
“Also,” Lilith asks, “Who the fuck was that?”
“Efink's husband.” Sohkbarr has unplugged his ears and happily returns to his cheetos, “He's an energy vampire. So irritating he sucks the life out of you—literally.”
.
“Yes, technically, I am married.”
Efink and Lilith sit alone at the table, facing each other instead of the camera.
“Why didn't you tell me?” Lilith keeps her voice even, holds tightly onto Efink's hands. “You know we can always talk—about anything.”
“I was going to I just—“ Efink sighs. “He's always off camping, killing campers I mean, this is the first time he's been back in years and I was planning on getting rid of him soon anyway.”
“What?”
“Well, the only reason I've kept him around this long is because he's the only one who remembers I'm a Queen, and I like that,” she admits with a grimace.
Lilith raises a hand to the woman's cheek, “Oh, Efink.”
“But once we started seeing each other,” Efink continues quickly, leaning in to Lilith's palm, “I came up with this documentary idea so I could get the word out.”
Lilith takes a moment to digest this.
“And then, you know, no more need for Percival!”
Efink smiles when Lilith's other hand comes up to frame her face.
“Absolutely genius, darling.”
The words are soft, adoring, and the contrast between them and the sharp, cutting, smile the two share before they kiss is striking.
.
Efink Murderdeath sits in a lone chair in front of the camera—posture regal and smile wide despite her shifting gaze.
“So, I just...look at you? Or into the creature's eye?”
There's a muffled reply and Efink nods once.
“I am Efink Murderdeath, Farseer, once Queen of the fallen Tyriath. Nice to meet you.”