Fear of aging. Is it something we all fear? And why? For me, mostly it’s all the unknowns, of which I’m sure we’re better off NOT knowing, yet the fears niggle softly in the corners of my mind. What do I fear about aging? Well, aging of course. That slippery slope when our age hits on that other side of the middle. Oye!
The Middle
To me, the middle means the mark of fifty – ya, the big 5 0. If you think of that age on a graph, we can see clearly that the majority of our years are behind us, leaving less going forward. And that scares me. Even though we all know we can’t live forever, we don’t relish the thought of the definitive, death. I’m pretty sure most of my fears are about the unknowns to come and the finality of it all, the state of no longer being.
But I think my fears are more about the quality of life I will have and of course, now being a widow, the worries about who would be here for me if I needed help. Those are some scary thoughts. Birthdays bring all those thoughts of fears closer to the foreground for me now.
The Weight of Aging
So why is age setting heavy on my brain? I’m not that old yet, or am I? I don’t feel my age, and often don’t act it. I certainly don’t dress it, live it, or try to pay mind to it, but next week is my birthday, and as usual, I don’t digest them very well. In fact, I never did until I got married and when my beloved husband would listen to me complain about getting older, he’d retort with, “Cub, how do you think I feel?” LOL, I’d laugh as he’d always be twenty-one years older than I. And then he’d add his famous line that he has drilled into me enough so as to no longer shun a birthday. His favorite line, “Never shun the birthdays as they allow us to remain on the right side of the green.” As he is no longer on the right side of my green, his words are ever present in my head. But I will say that I no longer divulge numbers. I stopped acknowledging my own age a few years ago, so that even milestone birthdays shall remain numberless, but grateful for. In fact, I’m pretty sure I should be around 118 years old according to the birthdate I have on my Facebook profile. No doubts, I’ll be reminded as many friends seem to check for my birthdate because they leave me comments such as: you look great for 117. Lol.
Birthday Parties
Nobody has ever made me birthday parties except my beautiful husband. Even as a child, not one of the four of us siblings ever had a birthday party with friends at our home. How weird is that? Although my father always took us out for dinner (with or without our mother). But there was one exception, one party for me. My parents made me a Sweet Sixteen party that I had no input into except the invite list from school. I had no part in the theme, arrangements, etc. It was a grand party, more like a wedding reception where my mother was in her hostess glory. But I digress.
My husband made a big deal about my birthday every single year together. When I turned fifty, he planned a big surprise party for me, enlisting a girlfriend of mine as co-conspirator for the nitty-gritty, girly details. And I, who have never been surprised by anything or anyone, was shocked when my husband was taking me out for dinner, but we ended up at a popular banquet hall we had attended a few weddings at. And my instincts kicked in, and I knew it. I instinctively had my gut feeling as to what he was up to. I can’t even surprise myself, lol. But I never said a word to my husband when I knew because he was so proud and excited for me to be surprised so I was not going to burst his balloon and take away his joy of watching me being surprised. He’d also made me a 40th birthday surprise party at our home. We always went out for birthday dinners with friends – or alone together in between the milestone parties. When I was single, I threw myself many parties. Some still notoriously remembered. 🙂
This next birthday coming is another one of those so-called milestone birthdays. I can’t even say the number, so I won’t, lol. I haven’t celebrated my birthday since I lost my husband, now three years ago because I just want the day (and night) to pass. But, it seems there is someone else now throwing me a party.
I seem to be blessed with all the wonderful new friends I’ve made at the gym these last two years. My good friend Dorothy, who practically runs the gym had asked me what I’m doing for my birthday and I told her, the usual, not much, no big deal. But Dorothy was having none of that. She’s one of my biggest cheerleaders, and pretty sure she missed her calling as a creative event planner because she does a great job with gym events and all her many family and holiday celebrations. So she has organized a wonderful birthday gathering of friends and gym coworker friends, as well as my friends outside of the gym, and I’m apparently having a girl power birthday dinner and DJ night at a popular upbeat restaurant, organized by Dorothy. I am truly humbled at the fact that this busy woman took it upon herself to plan this. I have no idea what she could be up to with the arrangements, but I did warn her that whatever she’s up to – there shall be NO numbers involved in any of it. I even helped her out with the name of the celebration for the invitation – ‘Sweeter than 50’. Lol, that should keep some guessing!
Now, of course I’m going to have to share some of the shenanigans I anticipate will go on, apres the party. 🙂
Have any of you had a surprise party you want to share with us?
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