Tag: grief

Bitmo Sunday book review

Sunday Book Review – Smorgasbord New Book Spotlight #Grief #Relationships #Strength – About the Real Stages of Grief: A Journey Through Loss by D.G. Kaye | Smorgasbord Blog Magazine and a First Review!

Published on by dgkaye51 Comments

Welcome to my Sunday Book Review. Yes, it’s a bit different today since I’ve just released my own book, today I wanted to share both, the introductory post Sally Cronin has put up to promote my book – About the Real Stages of Grief, and a first review that just came in mere days after the release.

Delighted to share the news of the latest release from my friend and collaborator D.G. Kaye, Debby Gies… About the Real Stages of Grief: A Journey Through Loss 

About the Real Stages of Grief

About the book

The truth about grief: it has filled countless pages in clinical studies and personal stories, but no words can prepare us for its reality. When I lost my beloved husband, I searched for solace in grief groups and forums, longing to make sense of my experience. There I discovered something rarely spoken aloud—that many of us carry the same hidden aches and side effects of loss, the ones that seldom find their way into books.

Love does not die, and so grief never truly leaves us. It lingers, reshaping itself, teaching us to live with its many faces. This book is the story of my own passage through loss—an endurance of sorrow, and a testament to the strength of those left behind.

Grief is a heart-wrenching journey each of us will one day face. I write not only for those who are grieving, but also for the ones who walk beside them—for the friends, family, and witnesses to heartbreak—so they might understand, even a little, what it means to live with loss.

Sally chose to share this extracted section:

We all look for ways to feel comfort and a sense of knowing we are not alone in what we experience in the aftermath. One of the many side effects of becoming a widow is the realization that some people disappear from our lives, which I’ll talk about later.

In this book, you will find real talk on the subject of grief. It is us, the grievers, who are living in a new role, walking a road we never envisioned ourselves walking. Feeling as though our hearts have been chopped into pieces, we carry the weight of the discovery that life has taken a 180-degree turn on us all.

I don’t profess to be a grief counselor, although I’m pretty sure I’m well qualified. I don’t need a master’s degree or fancy letters beside my name to ace the topic of death and dying and the aftermath. I’m just someone who is living it daily and trying to get through the pain like so many others. Since I’m a writer who has found herself in the new role of bereaved widow, I thought that if others were also seeking some understanding on this journey of grief and its randomness, I’d share my own discoveries. I have earned the badge of knowing what this journey is about.

About the Real Stages of Grief

Head over to buy the book in ebook and soon in Print: Amazon US And: Amazon UK AmazonCA

Originally posted at Sally Cronin’s Smorgasbord Invitation

Early First Review:

Oh my goodness Martha. First, thank you for reading, but so quickly and such a beautiful and comprehensive review. I am honored. I loved where you said, “I could relate to the grieving process; it’s different for individuals, but yet the same.” It’s so true. Every grief is different, yet, those in grief unite. Thank you so much for reading, reviewing, and sharing. I’m very appreciative of your kind review:

Martha Perez – https://www.amazon.com/gp/customer-reviews/RDC1OLRID8T94

My Review for author D. G. Kaye

An Emotional Book.

The author writes about her journey of grieving, sharing how profoundly challenging the loss of her beloved husband was. She felt anger, confusion, guilt, and fear, and so many other things. He was her best friend, a loving partner, the love of her life. Grief is an emotional rollercoaster. You could feel her heartache and loneliness, feeling an emptiness that gave her sleepless nights, all these changes from grief.

The author’s thoughts on mental fog and the void that comes with losing a loved one are hard to grasp. Sharing her experience will heal her broken heart. She feels incomplete, disconnected, bound in her home, sobbing, and can’t be with people for the moment. I could relate to the grieving process; it’s different for individuals, but yet the same.

I know her pain and anguish, losing my own son; everything she wrote was familiar, and the sorrow of her words made me feel I wasn’t alone.

No one can truly understand until you’ve gone through this journey. The heatbreak never disappears; it’s as if your shadow becomes your darkness, the author writes in the book. I believe the memories will continue to make her strong and healthy. Life is harsh in many aspects. The experience and her words will help others, and discussing self-care is crucial; it’s a vital part of the healing process.

The wisdom of her words matters; it strengthens and transforms into thoughtfulness, kindness, and helpful support to others. I’m glad to read this extraordinary book. I wholeheartedly advise buying a copy.

Now Available in Paperback!

Source: Smorgasbord New Book Spotlight #Grief #Relationships #Strength – About the Real Stages of Grief: A Journey Through Loss by D.G. Kaye | Smorgasbord Blog Magazine

©DGKaye2025

Bitmo Sunday book review

Sunday Book Review – Love Never Dies by Jamie Turndorf

Published on by dgkaye38 Comments

Welcome to my Sunday Book Review. Today I’m reviewing a book that jumped out at me when Hay House was offering special pricing on their spiritual collection – Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased by Dr. Jamie Turndorf.

Get This Book on Amazon

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Blurb:

Find out why the world has fallen in love with Love Never Dies, the no. 1 International Bestseller by famed relationship therapist, author and media personality Dr. Jamie Turndorf, aka Dr. Love. Famed relationship therapist, author and media personality Dr. Jamie Turndorf —known worldwide as Dr. Love— shares the amazing true story of her spiritual reconnection with her beloved deceased husband, internationally renowned former Jesuit priest Emile Jean Pin. Discovering for herself that relationships don’t end in death, Jamie recounts her remarkable experience where, through the depths of her grief after Jean’s sudden passing, her husband made known his continued presence–and undying love. 
Drawing on these personal encounters, Jamie has created a groundbreaking new form of grief therapy that combines her acclaimed conflict-resolution techniques with after-death communication. The result: an unprecedented method that enables the bereaved to reconnect, resolve unfinished business, and make peace with the deceased.
 
Filled with dozens of examples of spirit contact and communication, this book eliminates any doubt about life after death and shows that contact is ongoing. Loved ones in spirit don’t just linger briefly before going to “heaven” and disappearing from your life. Rather, heaven is a state, not a place, and your loved ones have an eternity to support you and heal any issues left behind when they passed on.
 
Come to recognize the numerous signs from spirit that you may have been missing. Learn to trust yourself and the process that’s right for you–not a shortened, artificial grief period prescribed by conventional doctors. Practice techniques for heightening your senses, expanding your awareness, and entering an open state, culminating in Jamie’s method for Dialoguing with the Departed. 
 
When connection and love live on, fear is banished and relationships can grow and heal as never before. Begin opening your mind and your heart today!

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My 4 Star Review:

Death is not the end. This book leaped out at me when I came across it. As one who is spiritual and have experienced connections from the beyond, this book warmed my heart as a widow who has lost the love of her life. These pages spoke to me.

The book is written, not as a ‘how to’ or instructional guide, but as a memoir told by the story of Dr. Jamie Turndorf – aka, Dr. Love, who fell in love with a once Jesuit priest, Emile Jean Pin – two soulmates with a span of almost forty years between them in age, and a love that never died. Although I don’t need any confirmation that my husband’s spirit is always around me, this book is an eye-opener about a love that spanned beyond Emile’s life on earth.

Dr. Turndorf grew up atheist with two atheist, born Jewish parents. She says she risked her reputation as a therapist to write this book. And talks about her Core Therapy sessions in healing that enables people to help mend old scars.

This is Jamie’s story. She knew as a young child coming from a dysfunct family that she wanted to be a psychologist to help people when she got older. She also promised Jean that she’d tell their story in hopes to help others with fears of dying, loving, and losing. Adding that, love never ends.

Dr. Turndorf aims to show the western world that grief isn’t – grieve, let go, move on, stating there is no timeline for grief. She unravels the societal norms and public journals that take the wrong generic approach to grief, and the stigmas attached to grief. So she created a new grief therapy method after Jean died, when she realized she could feel and hear his presence after he passed, to help the bereaved reconnect instead of saying goodbye to a loved one. She discusses the fact that the medical profession is always so ready to give someone a pill for everything, and shares her opinions on not drowning out the grief but living through the pain to move forward with grief. As a griever myself, I don’t agree with all of this because there are just days when it’s good for my sanity to medicate. Every grief is unique and requires different methods for the rough days.

This is a beautifully moving telling story about how love never dies and the earthly story of a great love and the capturing of that love in spiritual form.

With that all said, I have to mention that the author speaks a lot later in the book about her husband’s spirit and moments that were witnessed by others. I’m an empath and clairscentient, so I am familiar with spirit. But for those who are a bit skeptical, you may not appreciate the stories.

This book would appeal to anyone with an open mind and curiosity for what comes after death, and to anyone who has loved and lost.

©DGKaye2025

Bitmo Sunday book review

Sunday Book Review -Love Letters from Montmartre: A Novel by Nicolas Barreau

Published on by dgkaye51 Comments

My Sunday Book Review is for a beautiful and heartfelt book – Love Letters from Montmartre by Nicolas Barreau.

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Blurb:

Blurb:

For fans of Nina George, Elena Ferrante, and Valentina Cebeni, a charming, uplifting novel about a man who sets out to fulfil his dead wife’s last wish.
 
Julien Azouly, the famous French writer of beautiful romance novels, has stopped believing in love. When his beloved wife, Hélène, dies at the age of thirty-three, leaving him alone to raise their young son, Arthur, he is so devastated that he loses faith in the happier side of life—and along with that his ability to write.
 
But Hélène was clever. Before her death, she made her husband promise to write her thirty-three letters, one for each year of her life. Six months after the funeral, Julien finds himself standing in the most famous cemetery in Paris, the painful first letter in his hand. Little does he know that something strange—and wonderful—is about to happen.
 
An ode to love, Paris, and joie de vivre, Love Letters from Montmartre brings the reader down narrow streets, past the cozy red bistro on Rue Gabrielle, and all the way to Montmartre cemetery with its beautiful stone angels, where we will discover the truth we all hope to find: that love is real, that miracles can happen and that—most of all—it’s never too late to rediscover your dreams. Empathetic and wise, this is the deeply profound yet very human story of a man who finds love just when he thinks all is lost.

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My 5 Star Review:

We are introduced to Julien Azoulay in Montmartre, France as he stands visiting his young wife’s grave with their little boy Arthur. Julian speaks in first person point of view as he tells his story; and the author uses epistolary writing style for Julien’s communication in the thirty-three letters to his wife Helene who had requested he write to her after she dies- one letter for every year of her life.

But it’s been six months now and he can’t bring himself to write anything because he is so broken, but he also has promised a book delivery date for his publisher, which is now already one year late. Julien’s dilemma about writing to his wife – “How do you write to a person you loved more than everything, but who no longer exists?” And with his grief-stricken writer’s block he has nothing in him to write a comedy novel for his publisher.

Julien is drowning in grief and doesn’t see the point of writing letters to his beloved that she will never get to read. But she promised him she will be able to read them, and after he writes them all, something wonderful will happen in his life.

Julien finally asserts himself to write that first letter of heartfelt sadness, filling Helene in on their little boy’s life and how much better his son is adjusting, better than himself, as Arthur is okay knowing his mom is now an angel, despite the many dreams he has of her. Julien feels like the love of his life was ripped from him, and that everything else now in his life feels like pretend. I felt that.

One day while visiting Helene’s grave, Julien meets Sophie who is a sculptor who fixes damaged gravestones. Julien learns a lot about life and death from their coincidental meetings. Julien’s friendship with his wife’s best friend, Catherine, develops too. Catherine has been kind enough to help out with little Arthur, but steeped in her own grief over the loss of her best friend, the two avoid each other until one day when they fall apart with each other and their loneliness catches up with them. In the aftermath, the guilt Julien feels as though he betrayed his wife, leads him into visiting her grave and asking for a sign of forgiveness. Meanwhile, Catherine is harboring secret attraction to Julien.

Julien has been hiding his letters to his wife in a secret opening in her gravestone. One day he visits and goes to add another letter to the secret spot, and finds they’re all gone. Julien becomes consumed with how this could be. In this moment he becomes a believer. “The fact that someone dies doesn’t mean they aren’t here.”

The mystery of the missing letters has Julien wondering who could be taking, reading the letters, and leaving objects of poetry, songs, and love quotes in their place for him to find. Julien keeps busy with his son, his letters and visiting Helene’s grave often. All the while he, and us the readers, are wondering who is taking his letters. Julien doesn’t figure this out until the end of the book.

Through the gifts left to him and some surprising other incidents that occurred in Julien’s life, in between letters, he is learning that he does hunger for love more than he wants to remain a depressed and broken person. And through his time of writing those letters, he met new people, which Helene knew would ultimately bring her Julien happiness once again.

Julien had once seen a beautiful inscription in a slab of stone inscribed with “We will have each other again, like once in May. But until then, I will live and love.” He remembered that epitaph from time to time, and eventually learns how to find peace in that statement.

This quote hit home with me:

Quote: “It feels strange to go everywhere on my own now. And mainly, to leave alone.”

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©DGKaye2023

Bitmo Sunday book review

Sunday Book Review – Upon Departure – Prose and #Poetry by John Roedel

Published on by dgkaye49 Comments

I was introduced to the poetry of John Roedel by my lovely friend, Jane Sturgeon. Roedel writes heartfelt poetry from his soul. As a writer myself who writes raw from my soul, and as a griever, John’s poetry hits the mark with everything he writes. Upon Departure is his newest release I was eagerly awaiting to read. Roedel’s storytelling through prose and poetry is sure to touch anyone who has ever loved and lost.

Blurb:

From bestselling poet, storyteller and speaker John Roedel, comes a collection of poetry that explores the concept that our grief as a natural wonder that terraforms the landscape of our world in increments. It can take a lifetime to find peace when our loved one becomes an empty chair at our kitchen table.

let’s lace our hands
as if eternity is opening
up the veil into the great
mystery right in front of us

let’s feel our fingers against
each other as if this is the
last time we will touch before
we become celestial kites

let’s part our lips and say
what we should have said
to each other years ago:

“I love you.
I love you so.
I forgive you.

I’m sorry.
I’m blessed to know you.
I’m so grateful to you.”

My 5 Star Review:

Upon Departure is one of the best books I’ve read on heartfelt poetry, and on loving, life, and losing. After reading, Untied – the poetry of how knots become strings, also by Roedel, and as a writer myself, and one who is also living through grief, I will say that Roedel’s poetry speaks to me louder than some of the other many books I’ve read on grief. And this is simply because the rawness and realness of his pain jumps off the pages, especially to those of us who have also walked the walk – and are still walking through the haze of grief.

In this new release of prose and poetry, the book begins with a short introduction to Roedel’s journey of losing his father, the whirlwind of emotions, the unacceptance and disbelief, till the final acceptance, the ‘what ifs’ of doing things differently he experienced, and how the lingering effects continue through his own journey through life. In this beautiful book, you won’t find a table of contents, nor will you find titles of each poem, rather a story in prose spoken through poetry of words that paint pictures of loss, loving, hope, and eternal love, in metaphors. For anyone who loves emotional poetry, looking for comfort in poetry, or seeks a path in understanding grief, this is a book for you.

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poem #1 begins:

“I don’t care what form

you return to me

I just want you back”

The poem continues on with stanzas about how Roedel doesn’t care in which form ‘you’ appear to me in various appearances:

“If you come back to me

as our favorite song on the radio

I’ll pull the car over immediately

and let the music retell our love story

on 80s power ballad at a time…”

“If you come back to me

as a row of goosebumps on my bare arm

I will trace my fingers across my skin

Carefully so I can read the love letter

you wrote to me in spirit braille…”

“If you come back to me

As a passage in a book

I will grab the fattest eraser I can find

And get rid of all the periods so you

Can become a run-on sentence…”

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One of my favorites, Poem #10, grief summed up in a post card:

“Your grief is the purest love letter that you can ever send to the one you have lost to death…every tear that rolls down the grooves on your face is the most tender postcard you will ever write…”

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Poem #12

“…everybody that you have lost along the way

returns to you on your last day

-it turns out that

love is a boomerang.”

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Roedel has another wonderful book titled, Hey God, and wrote another excerpt for this book:

#13 – Me: Hey God…

“Grief keeps sneaking up on me.

God: To grieve means that you have loved. Grieving is one of the truest human experiences that you will ever participate in. It often arrives without warning – like a late-day summer storm – obscuring the sun and drenching you in downpour. It’s a gift, isn’t it?”

“…Bereavement is the debt you must pay for having loved. There is no getting over the loss of a beloved who is now resting in the arms of endless love. Grief has no expiration date. Despite the pass of time, the phantom pain of mourning is always one memory away from returning.”

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From poem #15

“Every tear of

Loss that we shed

Carries with it

The DNA-of the relationship

Of the love

Of the story

That two people

Once shared…”

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Poem #16 might be my favorite:

Tells about the writer stating he’s just a tourist in the world, and writes of all earthly experiences and possessions he’ll leave behind:

“…except for my

thoughts of you

-they are coming with me…”

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Poem #22 – Where the author uses metaphors likening grief to a field of “rosebushes and bees”

“…Grief is a stretching field full

of thick beautiful rose bushes

and bees that you must travel

through to get to the other side…”

“…On the other side of the field of

grief is another – even bigger field

of grief that has even more beautiful

rose bushes and even angrier bees

and even more pointy thorns that you

must get through…”

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Poignant moments:

“Being mortal means that we are all caught in a loop of meeting each other at Baggage Claim…”

Roedel goes on to say “To grieve the death of a beloved isn’t something that we check off in a box. Once we experience grief it changes us forever. Grief transforms us. Grief doesn’t just stay for a weekend, Grief moves into the loft of our hearts…”

“Grief isn’t an obstacle we overcome – it’s a masterclass in what it means to be human.”

“It can take a lifetime to find peace when our loved one becomes an empty chair at our kitchen table.”

“Life is life

there can be no after

for something that never ends…”

“…because love is the act of holding hands with

another person and counting to infinity by twos…”

“There is this unspoken call for us to have our wounds become scars long before they are ready to.”

“To grieve means that we have taken the risk to love without fear.”

“These tears are proof.

Of what?

That I loved.”

“It’s okay, my love. Eternity is holding me. Death isn’t an end. Death is a threshold. I’m still here. I never left. Love doesn’t die. I remain. There is no afterlife. There is only life. I’m here wih you. Love doesn’t die.”

“…After somebody that you love dies, it feels as if you have lost a limb. Even years later there can be phantom pains that can send you to your knees…”

©DGKaye2022

Grief

How Am I Doing? Too Much Solitude isn’t Healthy – #Procrastination and #Grief

Published on by dgkaye92 Comments

It was a year April 7th that I lost the love of my life, my husband, Puppy. And today is his birthday. I’ve been busy painting new rocks to place around his gravestone for his birthday visit. And went over to the garden center to pick up a lovely spring planter.

The sun’s rays were shining brightly in this photo

This past year has been one of The most difficult time of my life. Many days I find myself not coming to grips with anything. When you love deeply, you will grieve deeply. I am on my own way too much it seems and I know with certainty getting away for the winter was my saving grace, being around people – company, always someone to talk to.

Most of my days are spent reading, researching various things from the spiritual to online grief groups, and writing. It may seem I haven’t published anything for quite some time, but the writing has been plentiful and has given me much material to work with from my journaling and the many poems I have written. My procrastination, because of my newly acquired short attention span hasn’t permitted me to do anything concrete with any of it yet, but I’m slowly working on that as I struggle through each day with what feels like a never-ending grief who is my constant companion. I know though, that one day soon I will have much of my writing to share. My grief doesn’t just pop up randomly, but walks with me every minute of the day. Some days I can deflect it off ’till later’ and some days it just gets the best of me. So I continue to live in my mantra of ‘One Day at a Time.”

In my moments of distraction, I find myself running to Youtube listening to angel messages, Mediums, poets, from inspirational things to talks on the afterlife. I’ve been watching a lot of Youtube videos, getting lost in the 70s and 80s lately too. I can listen to that music because it takes me back to some of my most happiest times – the times before I met my husband, so those songs couldn’t set off yet another fresh round of grief. Somedays I find myself having to do anything to distract myself from doing anything productive as my grief is a staunch companion. I find myself always trying to gauge my emotions and watch where my mind goes. If I feel the need to abandon doing something constructive (like writing and getting back to edits so I can publish I book I wrote two years ago), when the weight of my grief reminds its presence, I need to do that in that moment. This is my coping mechanism taking over, and I must listen.

If my soul craves the need to jump over to Youtube to watch a video on the Afterlife, or a music video to take me back to a happier time, I do it. I’m alone much of the time and I thank goodness I’m resourceful because let me tell you, I loved living on my own when I was younger. I had the time of my life in those days with a very active social life. But this time ’round, both the calendar and the couch are equally empty.

I’m okay with music prior to knowing my Puppy, but not yet ready for hearing ‘our’ songs. I passed on the Luther Vandross video – So Amazing, that popped up on the playlist, the one I walked down the aisle to when we married.

I’m getting acquainted with, but not quite used to living alone. Being single in grief at a certain age is nothing like being single in my 20s and 30s, especially when you’re still trying to digest being in the digit ‘six’ club. If I didn’t have my writing to keep me sane, who knows where I’d be. Writing is my sanity, as it seems to have been my ‘go to’ since I was a child. I feel like I’m in a new learning phase of my life where I allow myself to follow my whims instead of putting them on the back burner for tomorrows – those tomorrows that sometimes never come.

But I’m always writing. I probably have enough writing for three new books. The only thing I haven’t yet got back to is my desire to do something with my words. So in the meantime, I keep writing. And I’m actually considering putting some of my writing in podcast that will eventually become part of the book on grief that I’ve been journaling about. The universe will guide me when the time is right. My heart is far from ready yet to reread the thousands of words I have written in these past two years.

My circles in life are considerably smaller. I am grateful for the friends in my life, especially those who’ve ‘stayed’. And equally grateful for my online writing friends here who keep check on me and keep me motivated, informed and entertained. I feel as though I haven’t found a direction yet, so I remain coasting along to whatever the days ask of me without putting pressure on myself. Grief is a strange animal that takes hold of me in a moment’s notice. It distracts, it chokes, it hinders, and somedays it’s just emotionally crippling for me, and it works on its own schedule. Too much alone time is not healthy for a griever. I am trying to work on that too.

I will finish off by saying that procrastination is a well known thing for writers as we often will look for a distraction when the muse isn’t fulfilling. But sometimes, in other aspects of life, procrastination is the very thing that soothes our insanity, and a diversion is just what the doctor ordered.

Happy Birthday to my Heavenly Husband 🧡💔💘

Last of the diehard Toronto Maple Leaf fans – who may just make it this year!

Mexican memories

Love of my life

©DGKaye2022

Updates on health

The Clearing – Updates – Moving, Grief and Loss

Published on by 71 Comments

It’s been awhile since I popped into my own blog to chat. But, holy crap, it’s the middle of June and I feel like I’ve been living within a cyclone since last Christmas, without stopping to take a breath. First, late last fall my worries about my husband’s health, in and out of hospitals for various things, yet nobody realizing the real culprit – cancer. Then the diagnosis, then my husband lives, barely, another 5 weeks. Heck, I didn’t even have the official diagnosis back before a doctor introduced herself during one of my hospital visits, alerting me she’s a ‘palliative’ doctor. Palliative??? Right in that moment was when the numbness struck me. I’m still numb in many ways.

 

I knew my husband had something bad happening to him before the edict was read, but I wouldn’t even let my mind visit the thought that he was going to die. I couldn’t. The minute I’d allow myself to go ‘there’, I knew I could never pull myself out of that black hole of fear. I had to stay strong for him, give him hope – even when he knew there wasn’t any, I thought I would keep the positive thoughts and chat going. I never shed a tear because I knew if I did I may never stop. And I certainly wasn’t showing any fear to my husband. I ate it up. I didn’t even feel, and still don’t, that I was living in my own body. Like some invisible hydraulic system is towing me along to keep going and keep doing. Don’t stop.

I haven’t stopped all year. In his final week, bedridden, my beloved husband could no longer walk or talk. The reality of what was to come was top of my mind, yet, I kept pushing it away and kept doing. I knew I was on limited time and I didn’t want to spend one minute away from my husband, but I had to go buy a plot for him. For us. I also didn’t want him to know where I was going, even though he knew I never left his side unless he was asleep. He knew where I was going.

I witnessed my husband living between two worlds in his last days. Before he lost his voice, he’d wake at night several times to tell me he loved me. Other nights I’d wake to him calling out, raising his arms, eyes closed, to his dead sister Grace and his dead daughter Sue.

Unfortunately, I’ve had enough experience with being around death to know all the steps that lead to the finality. The on call palliative doc had come around the day before George died and told me ‘the most he had left was a week’, I looked him in the eye and told him my husband won’t live another 24 hours. There’s no glory in being right.

I lay beside him when his eyes opened that next morning and held his hand for dear life as I listened to his own life fade within. From silence to gurgling. I just lay there telling him I loved him as I do 100 times a day, still. And then I cried. And quite honestly, I haven’t really stopped.

In the deepest moments of unbearable grief, I had to make funeral arrangements. A funeral in Covid where we were restricted to 15 in the funeral home service, where there would have been hundreds.

All I wanted and still want to do is bury my head in my pillow and stay in bed for an undetermined amount of time. There is where I feel closest to him. The banner from over his coffin ‘Beloved Puppy’, rests now upon his pillow, as does the stuffed puppy he bought me one Valentine’s Day, who holds a stuffed heart from its mouth saying, ‘Puppy Love’. There is my solace. His slippers remain at his side of the bed.

But solace is in short supply as my marathon of life and death continues. There were weeks of paperwork, lawyers, banks, investment advisor, insurance, and the government papers I had to contend with to close off a life. And just for something else to add to the mix, I had to do the income taxes. Yes, who in the world with a broken heart continues to go, go, go, carrying overwhelming grief, while having to use their brain, then adds a move into the mix?

The move. Last fall before we knew of my husband’s demise, we were talking about moving, downsizing, somewhere else, getting ready for us to purchase a place in Mexico next winter (so was the plan). But God had other plans and moving was put on the back burner. And in my sane brain, I knew someday I’d have to move on my own because I don’t need a huge condo, nor do I want to pay that huge rent. But I also knew with my grieving and adjusting to a different life, that moving was not prime on my mind at this stage. All I want to do is exhale from what I’ve been living all year. So, I went down to the management office to ask the girls if my husband’s name needs to be taken off the lease. Before I could stop myself, the words seemed to pop out of my mouth – because they weren’t in my head, “Do you have any one bedrooms available?”

That was in April, one week after my husband passed. The agent told me that as a matter of fact, she had one coming up in July. A few days later, she took me for a looksee and told me all they’re going to do to it. I made a great bargain with her regarding me keeping my SS appliances and them having to move them, among a few other goodies, and suddenly, I was signing a new lease. That’s how the moving thing happened. I wasn’t looking, but I’m pretty sure my husband had some divine intervention in it. It’s safe here, lovely grounds, nice people and tons of amenities and close to every highway. I’m pretty sure my husband wanted me to stay in familiar territory. And July seemed ideal, enough time to get ready. NOT!

We have moved several times in our wonderful life together, yet, somehow, we still had too much stuff. If I had had time, I would have taken proper time to sell things for the value they’re worth, I would have set up an Ebay page, along with some others. But let’s be real, that left me two months to first clear the clutter that isn’t going to fit, before packing can begin. It’s insane here. I have some good friends and only one family member who pop by a few times a week to lend a hand. I have access to my new place so I had a bit of work done in there (besides what the management has done). I have many things on ads, and I get pinged lots, which of course is distracting when I’m in the packing zone. I’m moving a week earlier than planned, and my BFF who lives in England has been waiting to get here before I move so she can at least help with the transition. But that’s looking like she won’t get here til first week July, as we’re crossing fingers my province drops the 14 day quarantine in a hotel rule if one has been double vaxed on July 5th. Oye! So much going on!

So now you are updated. I know my posts have been far and few between since my husband became terminal, but I’m doing my best. This Friday I will have my monthly contribution for WATWB, and if I squeeze out any spare time, I may have a Sunday Book Review. As moving begins Thursday, with official movers on Saturday, and the fallout of unpacking to deal with after, don’t expect much from me next week. But hopefullly, once I move and catch my breath then exhale, I hope to be back in blogland more regularly.

 

grief quote

 

©DGKaye2021

 

 

 

 

 

Grief by Sue Vincent

What’s my Rage? Why? #Guilt, #Grieving and #Loss – #Birthday #Coronavirus and the ‘System’

Published on by 62 Comments

 

Rage crying and guilt. It’s a thing. And it’s real for me. Like Elizabeth Kubler-Ross states in her book, On Grief and Grieving, there are five stages of grief and you may not feel them in order, but surely everyone will experience them all. Well, I’m still in big time denial, a.k.a., shock, and that doesn’t mean I don’t believe my husband is alive, literally, only that numbness and other defense mechanisms set in and help to play games with my mind to sort of attempt to ‘take the edge off’ the heaviness by playing the ‘pretending game’. Like when I actually get busy doing something, I pretend George is sleeping in the bedroom. But of course, that only lasts so long.

The five stages of grief are certainly not in same order for me. My denial stage is the shock not worn off. Depression is my inner rage. Bargaining is useless, as it’s much too late for that, so I’ve switched that one up to guilt, because guilt is part of the heaviness I carry within. And as for acceptance, it’s so far off I can’t even visualize it.

 

Why didn’t I know? Why didn’t I know! I’m beating myself up at why my husband couldn’t be saved before he became terminal.  I’ve always looked after him. Every little symptom I’d report to the doctors. Covid made everything harder and worse. I can’t stop replaying the summer before he died. He’d complain and question why he’s so tired. What did I know? He was aging, he had ‘other’ issues, we were locked down for Covid, no real living, and no more getting to actually see a doctor! Tele-health calls were scant, but my husband had so much bloodwork done in the last year of his life, how did nobody catch anything? Labs should tell a story. Everyone was so busy taking care of his other issues that the possibility of cancer was totally over-looked.

Bloodwork weekly, low sodium levels, chronic indigestion and sleeping in half the day. I worried all the time. I spoke with doctors as much as I could get hold of them. Was nobody as curious as me? Did anyone consider something worse? Why did it take til February of this year to put him through the ringer of all tests til the grim discovery would show? He was so bloody tired!

These questions haunt me and squeeze my heart with grief when I start screaming out the whys. Yes, if my love could have saved him, he would have lived forever. Covid has shut down most of the world and the ironic part about it is that thousands more die because they can’t get a surgery booked or even see their doctors in the live. Labs are helpful – somewhat, but there’s nothing like being looked at by a doctor, to look in the eyes, skin, listen to hearbeats and breathing.

I’ve been told that my questions are all part of the grieving process, despite me feeling they are all valid questions. I’m living with guilt that I didn’t do enough for my husband. I didn’t scream out to doctors, my whys. People were dying from Covid and our doctor’s hands were tied with rules and regulations with lockdowns and cooties. Doctors not seeing patients, hospitals not allowing scheduled surgeries. Who was I to fight the system? This system has killed so many others who couldn’t and can’t see a doctor unless they were taken to emergency and admitted through the system. No. Right now I am far from acceptance. Nothing can bring my husband back, and yet, the guilt engulfs me; like crying over spilled milk, I know it will get me nowhere except into a darker abyss by dwelling on the whys, yet, I can’t stop asking.

Happy Birthday Puppy

 

Yesterday was my husband’s birthday, only weeks after he passed. I had extra anxiety all weekend. I decided I’d be able to handle the day better if I went to visit his grave. I struggled with it being too soon to go there, but feeling worse if I stayed home and grieved the day all day at home. I went to visit his grave, although I somehow feel closer to him here at home. They hadn’t even finished shoveling more dirt and laying the grass over where he was buried. Remnants of the funeral flowers and ribbons lay scattered over his grave. I threw in a few of my personal stones – rose quartz for love, along with some others, and I placed the stick of the little balloon with the cub on it that says “I love you” in the ground. It was attached to the little puppy love who sleeps with me on his pillow. Puppy love didn’t need to hold on to that balloon anymore because he has me beside him, so I thought Cub balloon would do better keeping him company at his gravesite.

 

Beloved Puppy

 

Birthday at the grave

 

~ ~ ~

 

Note: I recently wrote a post about the state of craziness here in Toronto with vaccine output. I am happy to report that in the past week, our province has got their act together and currently 50%, almost 1.5 million adults, have had their first Covid shot in my city, despite the detrimental number of cases still occurring daily for weeks now, approximately 3000 new cases daily. And one very special nurse who promised they’d save me an Astra Zeneca shot invited me to come have it on this past Friday. I feel blessed that all my networking has paid off and whenever my city decides to ever open up again, I’ll feel a lot more secure about entering the fray – not to mention, be able fly again as soon as flights open up here, and the UK will put Canada back on the ‘approved’ to visit list.

 

©DGKaye2021

Life Love Loss

 

Bitmo Sunday book review

Sunday Book Review – On Life After Death -Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Published on by 48 Comments

Welcome to my Sunday Book Review. Since my husband’s illness, and consequently, his passing, I’ve found it difficult to read books with my lack of concentration as my mind drifts back and forth to grief. So I’ve found that reading books on the topic of grief are somewhat comforting because I can identify well with that topic that I’m living daily. And hey, if there’s something that is going to teach me how to roll with the waves, I’ll take all the help I can get.

This week’s book is, On Life After Death by Dr. Elisabeth Kuber-Ross who is well known for her books on grief, dying and afterlife.

 

 

Blurb:

A collection of inspiring essays with frank and compassionate advice for those dealing with terminal illness or the death of a loved one, from the pioneering author of On Death and Dying and On Grief and Grieving

As a pioneer of the hospice movement, Dr. Elizabeth Kübler-Ross was one of the first scholars to frankly discuss our relationship with death. By introducing the concept of the five stages of dying, her work has informed the lives of countless people as they face the grieving process. This classic collection of four essays—based on Dr. Kubler-Ross’s studies of more than twenty thousand people who had near-death experiences—illuminates her sensitive, original, and even controversial findings on death, dying, and the afterlife.

Now with a new foreword from Caroline Myss offering a personal perspective on Dr. Kübler-Ross, On Life After Death presents writings that challenge and encourage us to approach the end of life not with trepidation, but with clear-eyed, compassionate love.

 

My 5 Star Review:

Four inspirational essays on death and dying by Dr. Ross who was considered a pioneer of the hospice movement. Dr. Ross studied over 20,000 cases of people who faced near-death experiences and came back to tell, participating in as witness, and in these stories she shares her discoveries. She describes the stages of a person’s passing as they walk through the light and the deceased begins to play a whole movie reel of their entire life as they transcend.

Ross says, ‘It’s a blessing to be able to sit at the bedside of a dying person.” Personally, I’m no amateur at this as I’ve been to my share of beloved bedsides, including, recently, my own husband’s. I’m not sure if the blessing is for the one leaving our world because the only blessing I felt was that he was no longer suffering, but the aftermath of me and my loss certainly doesn’t feel like a blessing.

We are told that when the person is passing on their guardian angels, guides and past love ones are greeting  them to help with the transition. Dr. Ross said these events have been verified by her as a scientist. “There will always be someone there to guide the leaving soul to transcend.”

One example of watching a near death event, Dr. Ross watched a blind girl slip away. She came back to the land of the living and explained that she watched from above the doctors bringing her back to life. She explained that she saw everything from above, told Dr. Ross of the colors of clothing people were wearing in the room. She was spot on. When she returned to the land of living, so did her blindness.

I think we are all curious to know what really goes on in the other side after life on earth, and we have much to learn from those who’ve been to the precipice between two worlds, yet somehow made it back to the land of the living. This is a short book with stories of people Dr. Ross has witnessed their near death experiences, which she shares openly. There are no big jargony medical words or terms to navigate, merely stories of survivors who came back to tell.

Poignant Quotes:

“Death is simply a shedding of the physical body like the butterfly shedding the cocoon. It is a transition to a higher state of consciousness where you continue to perceive, to understand, to laugh and to grow.”

“Everything can be bearable when there was LOVE.”

“…dying is only a transition to a different form of life.”

 

©DGKaye2021