Of all thing that fascinate me the most, it is how the brain works. How it reacts to trauma, images, commands, seduction. How a person is conditioned, how their own biology plays a role. Even, how sickness itself can play a role. 

This is a picture of the cult leader "Mother God" from the cult "Love Has Won". What we see here actually is her corpse which had been left in her bed while her followers continued to smoke pot and raise donations for the cult just a few rooms away for several days. Her skin is blue not just from death, but also over consumption of silver to treat various ailments. Much like the famous blue man. 

 

What leads people to join these sects? What even leads people to religion? I have a few theories, but I feel like a lot of it has to do with a sense of duty that is unfulfilled and a lack of trusting authority in their lives. 




As human beings, we need a sense of direction and we need comfort. Cults tend to provide both in avant garde. Using techniques such as isolation, sleep deprivation, torture, mind manipulating drugs, and rewards as a cocktail for insatiable compliance. 

Perhaps it is a combination of media, betrayal of those who are close, and delusion which draws people to these over-the-top figures. Our society tends to promote individualism instead of cooperation. Up until the last 50 or so years in the United States, families had a large focus of helping each other out. Communities bonded together to provide food and services at a reasonable rate. Today the idea of making fast cash from a rap album and having gaudy clothing with a high price tag is considered the bench mark of success - not skills or supplies that will provide nourishment. Idolizing celebrities instead of structure.

This is where the cult seems to come in - promises of the truth in a world filled with deception and empty promises. Feeling like for once, you are right, and you are loved. The embrace of brothers and sisters who feel the same about "The Truth" as opposed to your original family who forced their views upon you and never provided more. When thought of like this, it is easy to place blame not exactly on the cult leader, but the support unit of the individual. This is why I do my best to not let anyone down - it can be the final action that leads someone to a life change like joining a cult.

Strength is quite possibly the most important trait to an individual. If they have the willpower, nothing is impossible. Resources and skills mean nothing if the person cannot be bothered to apply them. This trait, strength, is what really draws people into these cult leaders in my opinion. They have the strength to push their vision - buying a cult house, making programs and forcing their will upon others. People respect strength, they feel stronger when around people with strength - even if they catch abuse themselves. I feel there is a common thread with cult leaders and women who tend to seek abusive partners. They do not necessarily want to be abused, but I do believe that they like the idea of being with a powerful figure because they can utilize their strength for their own protection. Female attraction is a topic I'd love to cover another day, but at the end of the day, I feel a lot of it has to do with power and being recognized.

The overwhelming majority of cult leaders are male, and the overwhelming number of followers tends to be female. I feel the reason these women tend to have this affinity is from not only the strength I mentioned earlier but also the gratification of being recognized. To some people, being isolated and ignored is worse than being abused. The current trends of today with instant gratification (tik tok etc) will only seem to bolster this I believe. Where people were once forced to be alone for periods of time without any sort of interaction with the world at large... It is now nearly impossible to not be reminded of it. I think this thirst for recognition makes people more susceptible to mind control, especially a young person has not had enough life experiences outside of dopamine rushes from likes/comments in social media. To actually have a strong, living God that makes decisions for you, and recognizes you as one of his own is a dream come true to someone that is aimless and abused.

To be continued/edited.

 There hasn't been a day for last 5 years or so that I haven't felt a bit lost. 

The last few years have been a bit of a spiritual awakening for me. I have found a new appreciation for machinery, a feeling for old photographs, and a new sense of feeling God in general. Most of my life was an atheistic one... For several reasons. I never really felt God, and I felt all prayers were unanswered. Now that I am older, I feel like God was listening. It's just that my understanding of God was not what I was taught. He wasn't a cheery, loving figure. He is mighty, and punishes.

With my new view on God and the afterlife the last few years, I have developed a bittersweet appreciation for my family. Something I took for granted when I was young, because I was very selfish. My life revolved around me. I know now that it isn't case. I also see my family getting older. They unfortunate wear of age spreads across their faces. A constant reminder of how temporary everything really is - how few precious moments I really have left. How I need to be less selfish and embrace more of what life has to offer and be able to make other people enjoy a more fulfilling life as well.

I can say that when I was younger I had multiple thoughts of suicide - wrote out several notes mentioning my feelings of betrayal and why I was going to take my life. I'd relieved I never took action, because I cannot imagine all of the memories I would have missed out, how many lives I had yet impacted in some way. I felt some of the most morbid realizations, and that coupled with the idea of infinite nothing nearly sealed my fate a few times. I never self harmed, but I was self-destructive. I was ok with being whisked away in an "unfortunate" stroke of bad luck which I felt like I always had. If I had finally worked up enough hatred, the plan was solution that would leave me gone in one go - no chance of survival.

 

Im thankful I pulled through that. I feel like I was selfish. I understand why people feel pain and want to be gone. My situation felt selfish - I was born a warrior and instead of overcoming betrayal and adversity, I caved into feeling sorry for myself. I still have moments of weakness, hence this blog where I will post stuff like this... But I will never be in position again. For better or worse, I am hardened now and I plan on making life a better place for those I care about. Especially my sibling.

With that said, between this and other life experiences since, I have developed a weird sense of gratitude and appreciation of things. Things like looking at photos of days gone by - a retro 50s style cafe and seeing it in it's heyday full of life vs it's abandoned state nearly 60 years later has a spirit attached to it. Something I never felt when I was younger. I get a complex flavor of melancholy, gratitude, and oddly, relief from seeing such scenes. 

Another strange addiction has been watching rusty motorcycles being restored. The idea of a machine being purchased new, and giving a young person endless joy - likely before I was even born. Them having memories that will forever be etched in their minds with that machine... but eventually the duty of life comes in and the bike trades hands, is left in a barn or a field... and left to rot. When I see these beautiful machines restored, it gives me a sense of hope. As the rust is polished away, I feel life returning, As the wires are replaced and engine is overhauled, I see a glorious beast returning to it's prime form. How amazing would it be to just replace my own body parts with newer and more efficient parts, eh? Then the paint job, shedding it's age completely and looking like it did in it's prime. Like taking an old man and turning him into his photo from when he was 22 - with the shaved hair, fresh face and the gaze of "the world awaits my next move". Seeing the end result of a motorcycle like this is not just bringing something back from the dead, but giving it a life of when it was in it's prime.

In some ways, I really do envy those machines. I have mixed feelings - I would love to be a literal "Ghost in the Machine". I do however have my reservations of such a big move (mixing artificial parts with my body). I hearken back to the incredible TTRPG Shadowrun (a post about Shadowrun will happen later). In Shadowrun, magic and technology are abundant in the world. They do not mix very well however, and if someone were to replace their body parts, their spiritual force starts to diminish. An awakened person will be magically crippled if they go this route. Years ago, the idea of replacing my body was very attractive to me. Now with my recent awakenings, I am not as eager. I have a lot to learn.

I keep the wishful thinking that I can preserve as much as possible. I think tracking my thoughts in the wee hours will help me keep focused on this. Keep ideas alive to share just in case I also get lost in time like man and machine has before me. At least now I grasp the gravity of life significantly more. I hope if you read this, you dig deep and and appreciate everything in life itself. How it owes you nothing, and how beautiful it really is. If we all did that, maybe we wouldn't be struggling with ourselves at 3 in the morning and have rusty motorcycles in our backyard. 
 

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