Tag Archive | change

Just A Few Words

I’m in a bit of a mood this week. Trying to write but can’t get out what I want to say. Not sure what’s up exactly. Actually, I do but it’s too much to sort through at the moment. An emotional typhoon if you will.

Here are a few scribbles I was able to get out yesterday.

Prompt: touch of words

Pride can take a man through twists and turns when hiding true feelings yet a simple touch of words is all a woman really needs. #RavensVeil
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Prompt: your pain

As you speak of your pain, I can recall each lashing, venomous word, threat of death and dismemberment, and thank Karma profusely. #Soulhoot
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Prompt: one sunny day

One sunny day
I shall awaken
in a comfortable bed
with a peaceful mind
surrounded by silence
and you will be but
a distant memory.
#ashverse
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Prompt: sands of time
Prompt: ready to break

Securely I stand
ready to break
the hourglass
keeping the
sands of time
so I can toss this
book into the flames.
#ashverse
#WrittenRiver
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Prompt: relentless

Never fear, relentless pursuit of happiness, the time is near. #TenWordJournal
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Prompt: elusive

The ever elusive someday, one day, yesterday, the next day and the other day. Don’t look back or ahead. Be in the now. Today. #Magick_Words

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You can view more of my words HERE.

Sitting Still

Feb10

My entry for this week’s

RonovanWrites Weekly #Haiku
#Poetry Prompt Challenge #31

Prompts: Wait & Move

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You can read more of my Haiku challenge entries here.

Check out some of my picture poetry on Pinterest.

Disconnected Reconnection

Feb8

Domestic violence is a disgusting epidemic and I’m in awe of how many people are telling their stories. It’s almost as if the stigma has been lifted. Even though I know there are still multitudes that are living in silence, I pray their day to speak will come. It is by far the most important part of our journey. If you are one of the silent ones reading this…please, find someone you can trust…and tell them. Even if it’s the only thing you can do at this moment – tell someone.

I had that chance. And I stumbled.

I recently reconnected with my cousin who I hadn’t seen or spoken to in (too many) years. I found her on Facebook and “friended” her to test the waters. She had many issues over the years and I was a little unsure of just how reconnected I actually wanted to get. We kept it strictly FB friendly over the next year or so and then she gave me her phone number and asked me to call. I hesitated. Actually, I ignored it. I just wasn’t ready to talk to her, yet.

This was the cousin that had been molested alongside of me in our childhood by our grandfather (Aftermath of Abuse). I didn’t know if she remembered and I wasn’t sure I was ready to speak about it with her. She had a rough life riddled with everything from drug abuse to rape. If she didn’t remember the molestation, I didn’t want to be the one to send her into a tailspin. And honestly, I was not mentally ready myself. If I allowed myself to go there with her, I didn’t know what else would follow. Eventually though, I made the call.

I always believe everything happens for a reason. You don’t have to be religious to believe that. However, if you believe in God, at some point in your life you accept the fact that you are put in a certain place and time for a purpose that you are unaware of and have no control over. There is a higher entity that brings you to this place in life. At least, that’s how I look at it.

For me, it came after a strange trigger episode. I had been listening to music from my childhood (music that directly related to my grandfather) and not for any specific reason. It was just music that had not been heard in a long time and it was – a sound for sore ears. After a few days of listening, I was in my dining room and caught a distinct whiff of my grandfather’s cologne. It was at a time when no food was cooking, no candles were on, no one different was in the house. No one was even in the dining room nor had they been for hours. And the odor was in one spot. If I turned my head to the left it was not there and if I turned the right, nothing. It was very odd.

This not only came after days of listening to this music but also of me spending time with an aunt and cousins from that side of the family I don’t see often. Actually, almost never, and it was also after promising to call my cousin who I had been talking to on FB but still hadn’t done so. It became overwhelming for me. Too much all at once. Everything just came together in such a way that I realized … now is the time.

So the next day, I called her. We spoke. We caught up. Finally there was a lull in the conversation and I outright discussed what I remembered and asked her if she had any memory of it. She said she didn’t but she was also unable to talk because her husband was nearby and she sounded a little frazzled, either at the conversation or whatever thoughts were going through her mind. She hesitated for a moment and then said she’d been “messed up” (on drugs) for so long she probably wouldn’t be able to remember.

So I left it at that. We spoke several times since that initial conversation and caught up on the insanity of her life and how she was in a good place now. Clean and sober for five years. I believed her. I knew that the likelihood of a real 5 years straight – for her – was probably not a full 1826 days of sobriety but I didn’t judge. I was never a drug user so I can’t begin to understand the difficulties of kicking the habit for good.

I was not nearly as forthcoming with stories of what I had been through in my life. I wanted to be the listening ear for her. I felt at the moment that was my place and what I needed to do. It’s what she needed as well. Our calls were good. It felt good to reconnect. She was so grateful that I was non-judgmental. I was there for her because she was my cousin and she needed someone -family- to hear her.

In November, my cousin was murdered by her husband. Compression asphyxiation. She was strangled. He crushed her windpipe.

When I had gotten the news, this was not yet known. All I knew is that she never woke up in the morning. I even called her husband and spoke to him. He seemed just as one would expect, holding it together for their youngest son. This was our first encounter and when talking to me he expressed his gratitude that there was someone in the family who gave a damn. Due to her years of drug use, her mother, my aunt, for the most part disowned her. None of the family spoke to her mostly because we didn’t know where she was. Let’s just say, the family is fractured and dysfunction has had its way throughout the years.

Within days, I learned the truth about what really happened. I was slightly stunned but not really shocked. There was some part of me that thought something was amiss. The news resulted in me and another cousin doing a lot of legwork, making phone calls and trying to piece stuff together. Part of me went to that place in my head that thought if I had mentioned my story to her maybe she would have mentioned hers to me. Maybe I could’ve helped her in some way and this would not have happened.

Now that a couple of months have passed, I’m able to understand that all of this was somehow meant for me. Another reminder. An eye opener. A catalyst that told me to stay on course. One that struck too close to home. This was another reason I was unable to write for the past few months. Even though people have reached out saying I was brave to tell my story and inspirational, in the days and weeks after my cousin’s death, I felt like a hypocrite hiding behind a screen telling my story to strangers and I couldn’t even help my own flesh and blood.

Truth be told – it bothers me.

The reason it affects me, I think, is because my family was more willing to believe her death was drug related than a “simple” domestic violence murder. My family was more willing to believe she drowned herself in drugs over the years because she was a pathetic loser than a possible coping mechanism resulting from molestation at the hands of their father. And still, I have not spoken up. Not to them. And I’m not sure why.

In the heat of the moment, I did spew out the details of what happened at the hands of my grandfather. Something that put me at ease, physically. I had come to terms with that situation years ago. It was something that never really weighed on me, at least not consciously. I had a fine relationship with my grandfather as I got older but those may have been times when what happened at the age of 5 was blocked out. On his death bed, I forgave him and let go of all of it. The memories resurfaced when I started this blog.

Lately, I’ve had an overpowering sensation of needing to tell my family. Not so much those I am closest to, that I speak to on a somewhat daily basis. But those I don’t speak to as often. I’m not sure why. I owe them nothing. They haven’t been in my life for, well for almost the entire marriage. Part of it was me pushing everyone out of my life so no one would know but now I feel more of a question as to – why didn’t they try? Maybe if someone made the effort to be in my life this wouldn’t have gone on for as long?

I don’t really know what I’m feeling. I can only go with my instincts and when I start getting these pangs of sharing it’s only a matter of time. It’s been a year since I first shared my story with a few people I know in the real world and I haven’t regretted it. Maybe I just picked the right people to tell.

When I was talking to my cousin, she had so much anguish bottled up I had told her to start writing. I told her how healing it was. That it would be something beneficial and therapeutic for her. She asked me if I had done that. Writing. I told her I did. I told her it truly soothes the soul. And I implored her to do the same. She asked me what I wrote about. As soon as her words came out I felt sheer panic. Questioning myself whether or not I should tell her right then and there. It felt like a 5 minute pause and was probably only 5 seconds. All I said was – this and that, things that have happened in my life. She asked if it helped me. I said … absolutely. I immediately felt guilty for not telling her. I thought to myself if she presses me for specifics I’m going to tell her. But she didn’t. The conversation continued on and there was no real opportunity to squeeze it in.

We all have a bad habit of thinking there is always tomorrow. No matter the subject. No matter the person we want to tell. No matter the relationships we want to mend. The truth is … and we all know the truth … tomorrow is not promised. I will never have the chance to confide in my cousin. To have her know she could feel safe in confiding in me. Our reconnection was disconnected before either of us were ready. Don’t let that happen to you. Whenever possible …

Tell. Your. Story.

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To read from the beginning… #MyStory starts here.

Super Bowl vs. Domestic Violence

Feb1

Yes, I’m a football fan. Not a FANATIC but I do enjoy the sport. Watching it…and in my youth…playing it. I was a cheerleader in high school but at that time I wasn’t in it for the sport. Years later, my ex-boyfriend taught me about the game. The real details, and because he loved it I paid attention and learned. I may not watch every game or even an entire game but I can sit and not be bored by it.

After I was married, well into the whole abuse issue, I remember once hearing a statistic that Super Bowl Sunday was the most dangerous day of the year for women in abusive relationships. I thought to myself, thank God my husband doesn’t like football – not only football, pretty much no sports at all. Whew! Right? Not really. According to more recent data it seems these reports were not accurate and the information was taken out of context.

The original reports sounded legit. You have an abusive partner who is watching the game so intently that the sight of you sends them into a frenzy. I picture it as: walking in front of the television screen, asking questions about the game, maybe not bringing him a cold beer fast enough. Sure, why not? It makes perfect sense. But apparently, it isn’t so. There have even been stats to say that Sunday in general is a high volume day for reports of Domestic Abuse.

I’m not sure why all the double talk. With as many reports of DV incidents that take place, there are slews of cases that never get reported. How hard is it to document the real information? Personally, it makes sense that Super Bowl Sunday would be a day of high call volume. Just because – out of sight, out of mind. If your abuser is watching the game, the reality of them wanting you within eyeshot is pretty low. So, why not take this opportunity of making that secret phone call? Packing a bag and sneaking out the back door to go to a shelter? This may be the only opportunity some people have.

Do I think it is the most dangerous day of the year for women in abusive relationships? No. Not at all. That’s because EVERY day of the year is dangerous. The most dangerous for one person is a cake walk for another. My husband gets seasonal depression over the holidays. Why not take that opportunity for a murder/suicide? Yet, for me … Super Bowl Sunday … cake walk.

There is even an article on Snopes.com disproving the theory: Super Bull Sunday

One thing I will say to the NFL is…THANK YOU. Finally, you have no choice but to stand up and take notice of the Domestic Violence situation. Yes, it was only because one player got caught, which lead to a sort of domino effect. With the amount of sports teams and players there are – they’ve barely opened a can of worms. But for now – they are doing what they can to show some sort of support. Even if the ones that have to approve the #NoMore PSA are abusers themselves – good. Choke on it.

And for every man and woman, abuser and victim, silent neighbor and advocate who is watching the Super Bowl today — a seed will be planted.

31 Facts in 31 Days – Day 29

Oct29

Before this month is over, I wanted to pinpoint on what to expect when entering a Women’s Shelter, for myself and for other woman who may one day find themselves on that doorstep.

The shelter I had gone to way back when (Third Time is the Charm), was in a big house that had bunk beds in each room for women and children to share. They had given me a quick rundown of what their protocol was, what would be expected of me and how they’d be helping me to get back on my feet. There was a classroom/playroom set up for the children. Upon entering, I had no idea what to expect. I was scared about leaving, scared that I took my daughter, scared he would find me and scared of starting over. It was so overwhelming. Here I was, 21-22 years old, with my 2 year old in tow – in a shelter for battered women. I was so embarrassed. Horrified. So much so, I was not even there for 24 hours.

The information listed below only pertains to this particular shelter. I assume they’re all similar in nature but I can’t say for sure. If anyone reading this has spent time at a women’s shelter, please share your experiences below. Good and bad. If you’ve already written about it on your blog, feel free to provide a link. Any information that can be added to this would be great.

What to expect when entering [our] shelter:

Entering into a shelter can be a scary and confusing time in a survivor’s life; it may even be dangerous. Knowing why the shelter is there and what to expect may help reduce the anxiety a victim feels.

While a shelter serves functionally as a temporary, safe place to stay for a victim to work on regaining independence, it also is a place to connect with other survivors of abuse and advocates who can assist in the journey to independence.

There is always an intake meeting for the victim to fill out necessary paperwork and become familiar with the new surroundings. Afterward, the new shelter resident is shown the room which is assigned to her for the duration of the program. There are responsibilities, since shelter is communal living (such as tidying up after oneself and one’s children, observing a nightly curfew, etc.) which will be explained to the victim at this time.

A shelter resident can expect to share these responsibilities with all residents, since everyone lives and works so closely together. The important thing to remember when preparing to enter into shelter is that the shelter is designed for safety and to provide resources and support to enable the victims to become self-sufficient and empowered.

What to take with you when you leave

Driver’s License
Birth Certificates
Social Security Cards
Insurance Cards
Clinic Cards
Money/Credit Cards
Bank Card
Bank Book
Savings Book
Checkbook
Your Protective Order (carry this with you at all times)
Lease Agreement or Deed to House
Car Registration
Insurance Papers
Health/Life Insurance Papers
Medical Records
School Records
Work Permits/Green Card/Visa
Passport
Divorce Papers
House/Car Keys
Medications
Address Book

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Fact Source: Metropolitan Center for Women & Children

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To read from the beginning… #MyStory starts here.

31 Facts in 31 Days – Day 23

Oct23

While watching the news this morning, I was so excited to learn that the NFL would be participating in the new NOMORE Public Service Announcement. It quickly took me back to when I first heard the original PSA which included numerous actors. When I first saw it, it gave me the chills. It was because they were talking about Domestic Violence – out loud. Actors I knew from television. Taking a stand. Talking about it like it was normal conversation. I couldn’t wait to see it regularly on television – imagining it would become a staple like the smoking PSA commercials that show what tobacco does to our bodies.

It never became a regularly aired commercial – that I am aware of. In fact, I have probably not seen it more than once. Unless it airs during all of the SVU-type shows (which I don’t like watching because most of them can have some sort of trigger effect). Here is the original version – which still gives me chills.

No More Anthem:

After the Ray Rice incident, as well as several other NFL (and now NHL) players who were reprimanded for Domestic Violence incidents, there was talk of having NFL players participate in a new version of the PSA. Who knew it was really going to happen? This new version will air during tonight’s Thursday Night Football and hopefully it continues through the football season, and beyond.

NFL Version:

Continuing on for a moment about the NFL and this “new” spotlight on players who are participants in Domestic Violence incidents – not so much new to the sport just finally getting caught. Soon after the Ray Rice video was leaked, James Brown made a comment after one of the games and when I watched it, I immediately tweeted him saying, thank you. I don’t think it was prompted by the network. I believe it was something that came from his heart. It was a classy thing to do and his words meant a lot.

What is NO MORE?

NO MORE is a new unifying symbol designed to galvanize greater awareness and action to end domestic violence and sexual assault. Supported by major organizations working to address these urgent issues, NO MORE is gaining support with Americans nationwide, sparking new conversations about these problems and moving this cause higher on the public agenda.

The history of NO MORE

The NO MORE symbol has been in the making since 2009. It was developed because despite the significant progress that has been made in the visibility of domestic violence and sexual assault, these problems affecting millions remain hidden and on the margins of public concern. Hundreds of representatives from the domestic violence and sexual assault prevention field came together and agreed that a new, overarching symbol, uniting all people working to end these problems, could have a dramatic impact on the public’s awareness.

The signature blue vanishing point originated from the concept of a zero – as in zero incidences of domestic violence and sexual assault. It was inspired by Christine Mau, a survivor of domestic violence and sexual abuse who is now the Director of European Design at Kimberly-Clark. The symbol was designed by Sterling Brands, and focus group tested with diverse audiences across the country who agreed that the symbol was memorable, needed and important.

NO MORE calls on all of us together to end the silence and speak out against the violence experienced by people of all genders, races and ethnicities, and age groups.

Who is behind NO MORE?

Every major domestic violence and sexual assault organization in the U.S. – from men’s organizations like A CALL TO MEN and Men Can Stop Rape, to the National Domestic Violence Hotline and the National Alliance to End Sexual Violence, to groups that help teens like Break the Cycle and Futures Without Violence, to organizations that advance the rights of women of Color and immigrants like Casa de Esperanza and SCESA to the U.S. Dept. of Justice’s Office on Violence Against Women – all of them and more are behind NO MORE.

View the complete list of organizations here.

What do we do?

NO MORE is spotlighting an invisible problem in a whole new way. The first unifying symbol to express support for ending domestic violence and sexual assault, NO MORE can be used by anyone who wants to normalize the conversation around these issues and help end domestic violence and sexual assault. Our vision is that NO MORE will be everywhere – on websites, t-shirts, billboards. Organizations and corporations, large and small, will embrace this symbol as their own. When an abuse case makes media headlines, you will instantly see NO MORE being tweeted, discussed on Facebook, worn as jewelry and on t-shirts; made into buttons and posted in classrooms, offices, billboards and grocery stores across the country. NO MORE will help end the stigma, shame and silence of domestic violence and sexual assault. NO MORE will help increase funding to prevent domestic violence and sexual assault. Like the pink ribbon did for breast cancer and the red ribbon did for HIV/AIDS, NO MORE will help to change behaviors that lead to this violence.

Get the symbol today and start showing your support.

Why should I care?

The next time you’re in a room with 6 people, think about this:

1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men experience violence from their partners in their lifetimes.
1 in 3 teens experience sexual or physical abuse or threats from a boyfriend or girlfriend in one year.
1 in 5 women are survivors of rape.
1 in 2 women and 1 in 5 men have experienced some form of sexual victimization in their lives.
1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men were sexually abused before the age of 18.

These are not numbers. They’re our mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, children, co-workers and friends. They’re the person you confide in most at work, the guy you play basketball with, the people in your book club, your poker buddy, your teenager’s best friend – or your teen, herself. The silence and shame must end for good.

How can I help?

There are hundreds of ways you can spread the word about NO MORE.

Say it: Learn about these issues and talk openly about them. Break the silence. Speak out. Seek help when you see this problem or harassment of any kind in your family, your community, your workplace or school. Upload your photo to the NO MORE gallery and tell us why you say NO MORE.

Share it: Help raise awareness about domestic violence and sexual assault by sharing NO MORE. Share the PSAs. Download the Tools to Say NO MORE and share NO MORE with everyone you know. Facebook it. Tweet it. Instagram it. Pin it.

Show it: Show NO MORE by wearing your NO MORE gear everyday, supporting partner groupsworking to end domestic violence and sexual assault and volunteering in your community.

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Fact Source: NoMore.org

Fact Source: Joyful Heart Foundation

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To read from the beginning… #MyStory starts here.

31 Facts in 31 Days – Day 21

Oct21

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To read from the beginning… #MyStory starts here.

31 Facts in 31 Days – Day 13

Oct13

You Don’t Have To Be An Expert To Be Able To Help!

Many people struggle with how to help a friend or other loved one who is in an unsafe, abusive relationship. Talking to a friend who you are worried about can be daunting. The fear of interfering, being wrong, or possibly driving them away can keep many people from reaching out. If you are concerned for someone’s safety in a relationship, you can turn to many available resources that may help you start the conversation. According to Domestic Abuse Intervention Services (2014), some important things to consider when talking to a friend include the following:

Pick a time that won’t cause you two to be rushed.
Find a safe location where you can talk and not be disturbed or overheard by others.
Offer your support, including suggestions for resources and practical support, such as calling a local domestic violence hotline together. It can be scary to make the first step in leaving or to even acknowledge there is a problem, so make sure your friend knows you are there to support them through the process.

There are some important things to try to avoid when helping a friend. These include the following:

Avoid accusing, judging, or diagnosing your friend or their abuser. You don’t want to raise walls between you and your friend by getting their defenses up. Rather, you want to open lines of communication and offer them your support. Most likely, there are several reasons your friend is staying with this person. Striking an accusatory tone is going to get them on the defense when you are trying to have an open conversation.
Don’t pressure your friend into leaving the relationship. There are so many reasons a victim might stay with an abuser. You likely don’t know many of the ins and outs of the person’s relationship. Be open to hearing some good things about your friend’s partner. Validate where they are coming from.

FACT: You don’t have to be an expert to help someone who is in an abusive relationship. What’s important is to show them that you’re concerned and deeply care about the happiness and safety of your friend. That is important enough. Be there when they need support, and help them reach out to support systems and resources as they are ready. If they’re not ready to hear you or are not ready to leave, make yourself available to be there when they become ready.

Remember to be patient.

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Fact Source: See The Triumph

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To read from the beginning… #MyStory starts here.

31 Facts in 31 Days – Day 8

Oct8

Today’s post is meant specifically for a friend of mine. Someone I let in on my secret life earlier this year. We’ve only known each other for about 10 years which, out of the 6 people I’ve let read my blog, is the shortest relationship of the bunch. When we met, there was, I think, an instant connection. A mutual respect, as mothers and as women. It wasn’t until a few years into knowing each other that we really began talking about our lives. There are many similarities (except the abuse) that we came to discover about one another and the paths our lives took. I think this helped nurture our friendship and now I can’t imagine not having her in my life. I think we’ve both known for quite a while now that our paths were definitely meant to cross.

She is a beautiful and intelligent woman – but even the best of us get duped.

10 signs for spotting a sociopath

#1) Sociopaths are charming. Sociopaths have high charisma and tend to attract a following just because people want to be around them. They have a “glow” about them that attracts people who typically seek guidance or direction. They often appear to be sexy or have a strong sexual attraction. Not all sexy people are sociopaths, obviously, but watch out for over-the-top sexual appetites and weird fetishes.

#2) Sociopaths are more spontaneous and intense than other people. They tend to do bizarre, sometimes erratic things that most regular people wouldn’t do. They are unbound by normal social contracts. Their behavior often seems irrational or extremely risky.

#3) Sociopaths are incapable of feeling shame, guilt or remorse. Their brains simply lack the circuitry to process such emotions. This allows them to betray people, threaten people or harm people without giving it a second thought. They pursue any action that serves their own self interest even if it seriously harms others. This is why you will find many very “successful” sociopaths in high levels of government, in any nation.

#4) Sociopaths invent outrageous lies about their experiences. They wildly exaggerate things to the point of absurdity, but when they describe it to you in a storytelling format, for some reason it sounds believable at the time.

#5) Sociopaths seek to dominate others and “win” at all costs. They hate to lose any argument or fight and will viciously defend their web of lies, even to the point of logical absurdity.

#6) Sociopaths tend to be highly intelligent, but they use their brainpower to deceive others rather than empower them. Their high IQs often makes them dangerous. This is why many of the best-known serial killers who successfully evaded law enforcement were sociopaths.

#7) Sociopaths are incapable of love and are entirely self-serving. They may feign love or compassion in order to get what they want, but they don’t actually FEEL love in the way that you or I do.

#8) Sociopaths speak poetically. They are master wordsmiths, able to deliver a running “stream of consciousness” monologue that is both intriguing and hypnotic. They are expert storytellers and even poets. As a great example of this in action, watch this interview of Charles Manson on YouTube.

#9) Sociopaths never apologize. They are never wrong. They never feel guilt. They can never apologize. Even if shown proof that they were wrong, they will refuse to apologize and instead go on the attack.

#10) Sociopaths are delusional and literally believe that what they say becomes truth merely because they say it! Charles Manson, the sociopathic murderer, is famous for saying, “I’ve never killed anyone! I don’t need to kill anyone! I THINK it! I have it HERE! (Pointing to his temple.) I don’t need to live in this physical realm…”

FACT: The best way of handling a sociopath is to get them out of your life for good. Do not forgive them for the wrongs they have done to you. Avoid finding a reason to tolerate their company again. This is easier said than done when the sociopath is a family member, or long time friend. You may even miss the sociopath to some extent, even though they have hurt you. Yet if you know a sociopath, the only way of protecting yourself is to avoid them completely, even if it hurts.

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Fact Source: Natural News

Fact Source: HubPages

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To read from the beginning… #MyStory starts here.

What A Difference A Year Makes

Sep15

This particular post has been a long time in the making. Today marks one year since I sat down at the computer and decided…what the hell. At the time I figured, who’s going to read this anyway? No one wants to know about someone who is in an abusive marriage. I’ll write a few posts and then forget all about it. How do you even blog?

That pretty much sums up everything I was thinking at the time – and as I started to write my very first post…the beginning of my story…that would eventually lead down the road of becoming a battered wife…I thought…please do not let anyone see this. I don’t really want anyone to know. I don’t want to be questioned about this. Just let me write this and get it off my chest and that’ll be that.

Instead, so much more happened. Yeah, people read – and yeah, they commented. They asked – I answered. We talked – I learned. More importantly – people shared. Women AND men….shared their personal stories of abuse. With me. On the blog and behind the scenes. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so embraced as I did the first time someone said…“You’re telling my story.”…“He sounds like my ex.”…“I’ve been where you are.”

It was then that I realized….I’m not alone.

Of course, we all know someone in a “rough” marriage. Whether they’re vocal about it or we just assume. It’s not necessarily physical abuse. It can be verbal, psychological, financial…there are so many subcategories that people are completely unaware of. I’m not going to use this post to start spewing facts and figures – just one.

1 in 4 women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime.

ONE in FOUR.

We know the math.

That means when you see a group women – count – 1, 2, 3, 4. Stop.

One of them HAS been, WILL be or IS now getting beat.

Plain and simple.

Before I decided to blog, I had no idea. I never even thought about it. My father hit my mother but it was barely anything. Growing up, one of my neighbors hit their wife. I remember seeing her, a beautiful woman, with a black eye. The mother of one of my childhood friends got beat, all the kids too. That was the one family every one knew that stuff was going down when the door closed. I was only a kid but I doubt anyone ever said anything to her, or to my mother or my neighbor. None of these ladies left….well, actually, they all did but that was decades later. Back then, families stayed together. People minded their business. And “What goes on in our home, stays in our home.” That was the code.

I’m not exactly sure what the worst part of all of this was. That is seemed to be a normal occurrence or that no one ever said anything about it. It just was what it was. Normal.

Fast forward to me at 18. We know that story but back then NO ONE KNEW. No matter how loud he was or how many people passing by heard…that was my secret. A few years later, a good friend of mine tells me her husband hit her. She has a similar personality to me so I’m like…yeah AND? Did you call the cops? Did you leave? Sometimes – not every time – but sometimes the answers out of her mouth were YES. She called the cops, she packed up and left, took her son, went to her mother’s, got a court order – and then – went back! The next time we went through the cycle again. One day, she threw an ashtray at him. Called the cops…again. The cops came and told her if they were going to arrest him then they’d have to arrest her. She…like me…is nuts. And she is screaming…arrest me then! If you don’t I’m gonna hit him with something bigger and then you’re really gonna have to come get me. The cops got back in the car and left. And…they stayed together. For many more years. Her husband had a cycle. He’d get depressed around Halloween and this nonsense ensued and continued through January. Then they’d make up for their anniversary – ironically – on Valentine’s Day. They did love each other though. I think so, deep down. But she too…finally left for good.

The common thread with all of the above – myself included – there is always an excuse. A reason it happened and a reason why we stayed.

Speaking of which, for those of you who don’t know – last week Twitter pretty much was taken over by the hashtag… #WhyIStayed. This was in direct response to the Baltimore Ravens Running Back “Ray Rice Incident”. Author, Beverly Gooden, is the women who started this movement, solely because seeing the Ray Rice Video triggered her own experience with domestic violence and she felt the need to speak up. I have some definite opinions about this incident but that’s not was this post is about.

Over this past year, things have changed. It has nothing to do with my leaving. That is still and always has been my main and ultimate goal that has not and never will waver. What’s changed is my resolve. It’s not enough for me anymore to just get out. For several months now I’ve been thinking about my role in all of this once I do go. I’m not a shy, stand in the corner kind of gal and by nature I’ve got a big mouth and always have something to say. The phrase – things happen for a reason – has always resonated with me. Maybe because no matter what goes on, good or bad, the only thing you can say to truly make sense of it all is just that.

When I started this blog, it was right off the heels of a trip my Ex and I took (The Flip Side) to visit our friend R. And it was the first time since I was 16 that we were able to be…us. The pair. Calm, comfortable, caring and most importantly being out in public without worry. That was so overwhelming for me. Within a week of being home there was something within telling me the only way to truly move forward was to let go of everything I had been holding in. I needed to purge. To say the things I had never said. And so at the time, the trip, the people I was surrounded by, even the state I was visiting, was without a doubt the catalyst to me starting this blog. And with every person I came in contact with (virtually), it was easy to see that – everything happens for a reason.

Case in point… #WhyIStayed. As I joined in with the rest of the twitterverse and gave a few of my reasons…I came upon so many other women and young girls who were me. A few of them posted that they stayed because of the shame they felt about being a victim. All I could do was post a reply to tell them I knew how they felt and that the shame was not theirs. Something I only recently learned myself, but because they were so much younger maybe I could help them make that realization that much sooner. So I shared with them my post Shame On You in the hopes it could possibly do something for them.

Instead, two young ladies did something for me…

In speaking shortly with Mandy, 3 years out of her abusive relationship and suffering with symptoms of PTSD, she says to me: “Thank you for sharing your story…others like you help inspire me to stay strong.”

In another conversation, Brittanie, who was trying to find the strength to finally tell her father about the abusive relationship she just got out of, says: “You’re giving me support and helping me…to stay strong.”

Does being in an abusive relationship automatically make you more compassionate to others who have been in the same place? How on earth can these girls be thanking me and saying I am helping them? That can’t be possible. Their words truly touched me. Not any more or any less than others who have posted similar comments on my blog. It was only different because I could see their beautiful faces on twitter. I could see their youthfulness and it made me feel overwhelmed that these young girls may have been involved in these abusive relationships, but – they got out. They. Got. Out.

There were multitudes of #WhyIStayed posts and two that just jumped out at me was one from Kat who said “Because after being stuck in an abusive relationship for a while I started to believe I deserved all of it.” I thought, my God…I was so there. In the very beginning, with the abuse at its very worse, I thought for sure I deserved it.

However, the one that really caught me was from a girl names Katie. Very simply put “Because every time was the last time.” This is it. Whether this is what they’re telling us after they hit us or if it’s what we’re telling ourselves – we’ve all believed this at one point or another.

By the end of the first two days of a tweeting and retweeting frenzy, it was quite clear that again – everything happens for a reason. It’s taking so much strength to not blurt my story out to pretty much everyone (which would be fine and dandy it I was already out) but I need to keep it contained to those select few that know me in the real world. I’ll tell you though, the more of these posts I read, the more I could feel this anonymous name tag rattling within my rib cage. It’s so hard for me not to get up and say something. I’m not one to hold my tongue. In fact, I’m usually the first one to speak my mind. Loudly. I’ll wait my turn though. I’m so looking forward to being on the other side. Domestic violence is going to regret meeting me.

Thanks to all of you that have read, commented, offered counseling and a good laugh.

I’m in my therapeutic poetry phase as of late, so I couldn’t help but throw this little ditty together …

I am a daughter, a sister, a mother and a wife.
I am trying to stay sane while getting through life.
I am the scales of justice and the year of the dog.
I am so much more beyond my story and blog.

( I hope all of this made sense. I’m in desperate need of sleep.)

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To read from the beginning… my story starts here.