since the beginning of everything

 I really do want to post more, but I just don't know what to talk about. Perhaps it's the depression, but I just can't think of anything worth writing about in depth.
What could I possibly talk about? There's no real community on here for Hellenismos, and all the multiplicity communities are dead as well. My day-to-day life feels dull when I try to talk about it and come up with nothing more than "watched tv, talked online".
Do I take up poetry again? Start doing music recommendations? Write about past events (real life? headspace? past lives?)?
Part of me knows I should be writing for myself, but part of me dearly misses the old days of tumblr and getting replies and talking in chains of posts because people took interest. Was it me who closed off first, or did I close myself off because other people walked away? Six of one, half dozen of the other, as my dad says.

 I have no energy to be Coherent about this just yet, but there's a post on tumblr that's just an Entire Mood re: headmates and Yuu in particular that I'm just going to link here (risepersephone.tumblr.com/post/181028349753/one-of-the-things-venom-did-very-well-that-im) and then I'll come back to this when I can actually talk.

Also, I'm considering doing a little "what the heck is this" post, but again. Energy.

 Yesterday I had plans to see Burn The Stage with a coworker at the Disney Springs theater. Dad ended up having a big fit about a mistake he set himself up for, so i left several hours too early to just walk around and maybe do Christmas shopping. Spent around three, three and a half hours just walking around in the chilly afternoon light, listening to the Christmas music and checking out stores. Ended up buying myself some lavender honey first, but found beard care stuff for dad and earrings for mom. I'm not sure if dad will use my gift, but it'd be nice if he did. Mom recently asked for a pair of earrings that I wasn't quite willing to part with, and I know her tastes so I'm confident that was money well spent.
So that's the parents' gifts bought. Not sure what I'll do for my siblings, especially since we found my half-sister this year. Also they're all much harder to shop for since I barely spend time with them.
Anyway, three or so hours of walking (and resting) later, it's time for the movie. I'll spare the details, since it's Kpop related, but suffice to say I enjoyed it and cried and laughed along with a small crowd of people who share my interest in BTS. Afterword is the incredible part, in my opinion. My coworker and I actually got to talk with two of our fellow movie-goers, discussing the movie and other related topics. My coworker left a bit later, but I spent 2 hours with my new friends, walking around Disney Springs and talking. We even met another pair of fans, a mother daughter duo, who hadn't been to the movie but were wearing related merchandise like we were. We've all added each other on Facebook, and I have admittedly high hopes about continuing contact with them. I want friends and people to talk to, but it's always so difficult to reach out.
I need to make an effort. 

In other news, the fog I've been under for over a month is starting to clear in my head. The Uranus transit in my chart has been driving me crazy with restless energy and no outlet - possibly because I'm stubborn and hate the change that is clearly being called for. It's the same thing that happened around May, but this time at least I'm not getting the rug pulled out from under me by someone I trusted. I'm still... I wouldn't call it wounded. Or even truly upset, anymore. There's no gaping hole in my chest or my life. It's scarred though. Like a bullet hole, healed over but if you run your fingers over the skin - it's gnarled and indented. It tells a story.

Slacked off in writing again, but since friends are starting to use their journals, might as well try and do better.
A little too much is going on and it's all... taking up space in my head.
Finding out I couldn't trust a friend of many years with my heart is really painful. I'm not as hurt as I was the last time something like this happened (I was inconsolable for days), but my pride is bruised and my heart has another scar. I wish things had gone differently, but at the same time I think everything was moving towards "going up in flames" no matter what I did. I just didn't want to see it, because as usual I thought I could change the other person. "If they love me like they say they do, they'll want to do what's best for the both of us." Their own words are echoing in my head "You deserve better than me". I do. I deserve better than being hung out to dry like this. 
Unfortunately there's so much history with this person that it permeates a lot of how I go about my day. I'm scared to check tumblr, even though we're mutually blocking each other. Or I assume we are. I'm putting my stubbornness to good use and not checking. I refuse to check up on this person, and I feel like I'll be tempted if I see any posts mentioning what happened. I hate this. I hate the healing process. I know I will be fine, but in the moment things suck and I'd really rather not be dealing with the nonsense of recovering again.
In other news, I got another raise a work a while ago for an additional $0.20 per hour. I've pretty much gotten over my crush on a coworker and now we're just good friends - he's also one of the few people I can talk to about kpop stuff, now that I've gotten into it. BTS is, honestly, saving my life. 
Also I... ended up coming out to my mother today. Not like, completely? I don't know how much she understands, but she now has a vague idea that I'm neither man nor woman, and I'm not particular about who I'm attracted to. The basics, I suppose.
In a couple days I'll be heading to New Orleans for the weekend with my mom and a friend of hers. I think I might have mentioned Dante before? I don't remember what I have and haven't posted here, forgive me. But I'll be glad to get out of Florida for a bit and clear my head.
I just don't feel like I'm.... centered the way I usually am. I'm missing a piece or a step. I need to figure it out, because the way things are just aren't working for me. 

 11 straight days of a migraine so bad it actually kicked me out of my own headspace. I couldn't talk with anyone or feel anything at all until just a few hours ago. 11 days alone.... It was pretty bad. I was depressed as hell and actively suicidal at several points. Stressed to hell and back.
Really glad that's over, and just in time for Christmas haha.
Maybe I'll try and post again tomorrow. Present list, maybe?

 I just completely forgot to tell anyone not on twitter or tumblr. It was.... bad. Every coworker was some level of "I want to kill myself" or "I want to kill the customers" or "If I (a manager) die, you guys can close the store". The store did really well, but all of us were dying inside even from the fitting room - and we were actually on top of it too! 
It's a quieter week, work-wise. Except for the fact that I basically got exploited on Tuesday. Worked 6 straight hours with only a 15 minute break about 2 hours in because I made sure to ask and then didn't get another break even though I'm fairly certain it's both against policy and probably against labor laws. The manager in charge texted me an apology, and i get it that they can't control other people not showing up to do their jobs, but I'm still rather understandably salty. I hate it when I end up being main cashier because someone else calls out or straight up doesn't bother coming in, because shit like this happens. Usually I only miss out on a 15, not a meal break, but this time I did and I'm.... I'm considering talking to corporate. I don't know if I will. It sounds like a lot of trouble, and I don't want that stress.
In other news, I've been trying to encourage any friends that are participating in nanowrimo... even though I should also technically be writing. But I already wrote more than I expected, so I'm considering it a win. Whether I'll fudge the numbers/words I report in order to actually be dubbed a winner..... I haven't decided just yet but I suppose I ought to. Winning doesn't actually matter to me, honestly. I do hope my previously mentioned friend (the mutual crush) manages to finish on time. They've been pushing themselves so hard and they're doing so well! I'm really proud of them, and I take every opportunity to tell them that.

 Well, not technically, but it feels like a morning so we'll run with it. There's a lot going on right now. Tomorrow I'll start a 5 day work week, for a total of 29 paid hours - two of those days being Thanksgiving and Black Friday, which means Holiday "Hazard" Pay. I'm looking forward to the money, the crowds... not so much.
Yesterday, a friend of several years threw our lives for a loop by re-confessing romantic feelings for me. Back in like... 2015 or 2014, I had confessed to them, but despite mutual feelings we didn't pursue it due to jealousy issues on the part of their partner. Even in polyamory, things don't always work out. I was pretty bitter about the whole thing, honestly, but swallowed that down along with my crush and resolved to Do Nothing and Say Nothing and suffer silently as I remained my crush's friend. I still don't know if we'll be able to date like we want, but their partner has encouraged? agreed? to let us meet as friends. Even that won't happen until at least December, but more likely not until the new year due to work. I have a lot of anxiety and probably misplaced guilt about it. I want this to work out. Hermes started us down this path yesterday, and I've prayed to Him and to Aphrodite to clear our way and smooth things over with everyone involved, including my own partner. My oracle cards have told me things should play out well, but even though I know how accurate I am I'm still scared.

And yet, despite everything, I woke up a little in love with life. Perhaps I ought to take that as a sign.

 I signed up for nanowrimo for the first time in years, knowing I'd have to play nice with myself and not push too hard about writing, and especially not attempt a novel. That being said it's day one and I've had a migraine for 3 days and I have no drive to write much of anything. Great start, Fay.
Well. I'll be fair to myself: winning isn't even my goal. Just writing more than once a month or two. I just have to see what happens. No pressure, just a promise to make attempts when I have the energy. Today's just... not going to be that day, I guess.
There's other stressful things going on, like the healthcare enrollment. Turns out I still don't ""qualify"" for medicaid in my state. Thanks, guys. 
I did get a promotion at work, however. I'm now my store's Employee Experience Specialist, which means I work with the newbies to get them up to speed and I get to talk to everyone about the new products we get in - which means I get to babble about a special interest, fashion! It also means that I'm a bit more validated with my whole "ask me where anything is in the store and I've got a good idea" thing. I feel a little more confident helping customers too, giving recommendations on what fits they want and what sizes. I usually gauge visually for sizing, because they don't give us tape measures for whatever reason. Thankfully I'm right in the middle of our sizes at a 10/30, so I'm developing my 'eye' for it.
Seb got to hang around quietly for about a week, but I couldn't get them to talk much. They're still anxious, of course, but they're so sweet that I want to share them, you know?

 I sort of knew this would happen, going almost a week without posting. Yuu and I are mostly on twitter, and the short style suits us most of the time. ... Not to mention this week's stress.
Mom had a very sudden hysterectomy to get rid of what turned out to be an abscess on her ovary, while also starting to discuss the usual scary stuff like "what happens when I die and you have to deal with my things". She also got very stressed and started getting nasty right before the surgery, snapping about political stuff when she knows we're on opposite ends of the political spectrum.
The usual work stress and the pain that comes with it.
My fiance had to put one of his dogs down the other day. He's never lost a pet before, so it's all new to him. Me and Momo are there for him, as well as Willow and his mom, but there's no easy way to lose a pet.
Just... stress. I broke down and cried for the first hour or two of my shift about three days ago. Everyone spent the entire day checking on me. One of the newbies asked (after being told I was having a bad day) "are you sick?" Honey, yes, but not in the way you mean.

 Been considering including our kin list on here but it's 30+ pages long and I don't want to subject y'all to that unprepared.
So instead, I'm going to link to the actual list (which includes un-introduced members of the system), and put a far more concise version here on the blog. It'll be fun, I promise. (And as an aside, we get pretty excited about doubles!)

( Fay's List )
( Yuu's List  )
( Nathan's List )
( Seb's List )

As more people make their introductions, I'll add them here.