Procrastination Central

i'm sure everyone's very surprised to find i wrote this one. about as surprised as i was to discover that neveralarch wrote my treatfic, which is obviously very surprised.

thank you, though. in case that isn't clear <3


Title: Operation: Get Leela Back
Wordcount: almost 2000
Rating: PG-13 for swears
Characters: Romana, Narvin, Leela, Six (sort of*) and K-9
Prompt(s): For iristigerlily as part of Yuletide 2012
Notes: One day I will write something about 'Gallifrey' that isn't a light comedy list fic - I would like to, in fact. But this Yuletide was not that day. The only change from usual, perhaps, is that Brax isn't in it, but my prompter asked only for Romana, Narvin and Leela. I snuck in some K-9 anyway...
Thanks to bagheera_san, neveralarch and, as always, x_los for giving me their ideas.
*There's a one-line appearance from Colin Baker as 'Commentator Theta Sigma' in 'Gallifrey: Forever' (i.e. the final episode of series 4). That's why this AU version is as he is.
Summary: It didn’t take Romana long to realise that an eternity with only Narvin and a bunch of psychopaths for company wasn’t going to be bearable for long. (Set after the end of Gallifrey series 4).

---

Operation: Get Leela Back

It didn’t take Romana long to realise that an eternity with only Narvin and a bunch of psychopaths for company wasn’t going to be bearable for long.

“We need to get Leela back,” she told Narvin. “And fast.”

He nodded. “I agree.”

“Or rather you need to get her back, Narvin.”

“The conversation in this place is dreadful.”

“I have important presidential duties to- wait, what do you mean? The conversation is dreadful?”

“Except for yours, Madam President, of course,” Narvin said. “Now, do you actually have any ideas, or are you expecting me to do that part as well as all the actual work?”

“I have several, actually,” Romana said snippily.

“Oh really,” Narvin said, as though he didn't believe this. “Let’s hear them, then.”

“Right,” Romana said. “What we’re going to do is-”

Romana’s first idea:

Dear Leela, the letter read. Please, please, please come back. We miss you. Narvin is being intolerable, as usual –

“I’m not signing anything saying I’m intolerable,” Narvin protested.

Romana sighed. “Fine, we can remove that bit.”

– and I’m starting to fear for my safety in a city where everyone is always armed. I need your help more than ever.

“You can’t still fear for your life. I’ve put a lot of work into your security arrangements since becoming Chancellor.”

“I don’t,” Romana said, “but I thought it would be a good idea to let her know she’d be useful here.”

“By lying to her?”

“Do you want to remove that line as well?”

“I want to be part of a better plan,” Narvin said as he crossed out the offending line, and then a few of the earlier 'pleases'. “If I’d run the CIA like this, there would have been two Gallifreys by the end of the first week, one run by vampires and the other by pink monkeys.”

“Fine!” Romana said, ripping the paper out of his hand. “This was just plan one. I have plenty more.”

Romana’s second idea:

“It’s no good,” Commentator Theta Sigma said, sweeping back into the Chancellor’s office. “She won’t speak to me.”

Narvin scowled as collected the paperwork that Sigma had knocked off the desk with his blustery arrival. “You’re an investigative journalist, aren’t you? Don’t they train you for this? I can’t imagine anyone wants to speak to you, even if they don’t know you.”

“Most people don’t back up their desire for a private life with edged weapons,” Sigma said. “There is a law against harming journalists, you know. We’re in very short supply.”

“What a pity,” Narvin said. “So, in summary, you’ve accomplished nothing.”

“Not at all,” Sigma said.

“Oh really?” Narvin said.

“I think it’s quite possible my presence may have made her angrier.”

“Ah.”

“Yes. She said I had no glory in my soul, and accused me of being a coward,” Sigma said, looking hurt. “I tried to tell her about the many times I’d gone undercover in the search of the truth, how valiantly I had fought editors who’d tried to remove my name from a story-”

“But, for some reason, she was unimpressed.”

“Indeed. Most unaccountable.”

“Well,” Narvin said, “ thank you for wasting my time. Assuming you can manage it, please see yourself out. You’ll be compensated as we agreed.”

“Excellent. Oh, I almost forgot,” Sigma said, as the doors opened for him. “She said that if you were thinking of sending a “False Braxiatel” or a “False Canine” to her, it would be much the worse for them. Does that make any sense to you?”

“Unfortunately,” Narvin said. He dialled Romana’s number as Sigma left the office.

“Yes?” Romana’s voice said.

“You might as well cancel plans three and four.”

“But I’ve only just got his ears right,” Romana protested.

Romana’s fifth idea:

“Got a fist of pure emotion
Got a head of shattered dreams
Gotta leave it, gotta leave it all behind now.”

“I don’t think this is working,” Narvin said.

“Nonsense,” Romana said. “The Doctor told me years ago that this was a foolproof way to get people to stay with you, and he would know. Hold your end of the sign straight, Narvin, honestly.”

Narvin sighed. The sign read: ‘WE’RE SORRY, LEELA’. The music emanating from the new K-9 unit continued.

“Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn't mean it
I just want you back for good, want you back, want you back, yeah, I want you back for good.”

Narvin grit his teeth. “Did the Doctor say how long he had to play this sound before his companions began begging for mercy?”

Please, he thought, don’t say more than three repeats.

“I think,” Romana began, but she broke off as a large amount of water fell from the tree under which they were standing.

Somewhere in the tree above them, Leela was laughing.

Narvin’s first idea:

“Right,” Narvin said, wringing water out of his robes. “Since all of your ideas backfired rather spectacularly, I think it’s time I took over this operation properly.”

“Oh really?” Romana said. “And what do you suggest, Narvin? That we kidnap her and keep her here against her will?”

“...It has the advantage of simplicity,” Narvin said defensively.

“No,” Romana said.

“Leela’s a warrior-”

“No,” Romana said.

“She’ll appreciate a direct response.”

“I said no, Narvin. How many more times do I have to say it?”

“Based on Chancellor Narvin’s personality profile,” the new K-9 unit chirped, “this unit has estimated that you will have to say no another-”

“All right!” Narvin said. “Please, spare me your analysis. Not kidnapping then. What about...”

Narvin’s second idea:

“Going back to nature,” Romana said crossly. “What a brilliant plan, Narvin. I’m so glad you thought of it.” She was wearing synthetic furs and a scowl.

“I thought you might have retained slightly more of Leela’s knowledge from that time on Davidia when you swapped personalities,” Narvin said. He looked at the small, sad fire that was now slowly dying between them. “Evidently not.”

“I’m sorry,” Romana said, managing to sound both genuinely sorry and still very cross. “But I have had other things on my mind. Anyway, it wouldn’t have been necessary if you’d remembered to bring the magnifying glass.”

“As I told you back in the capitol, a magnifying glass counts as level two technology. Leela’s civilisation was only level one.”

Romana sighed. The fire flickered out sullenly.

Narvin sighed, too. “She’s not coming, is she?”

“I don’t think so,” Romana said wearily. “Do you want to go back to the capitol?”

“I don’t have any better ideas.”

“Well, fortunately, I do,” Romana told him.

Romana’s sixth idea:

“Is this another of those ideas you got from something the Doctor once said?” Narvin asked.

“If you must know, yes, it is,” Romana said, apparently caught off guard. “In a way. Why do you ask?”

“He fancied himself rather a wit, didn’t he?” Narvin said. “The Doctor’s famous sense of humour... that’s the sort of thing people used to say. Before groaning.”

“Narvin!” Peela exclaimed, her eyes wide. “Romana! I have found the trail of your friend! She passed this way nearly two hours ago!”

“That’s good news,” Narvin said. “But, since we’re outside the cave she’s currently living in, not exactly evidence of a skilled deduction.”

Peela’s face fell.

“Peela,” Romana said, “why don’t you look for more clues past those trees over there?”

“Of course, Romana,” Peela said. “I will not fail you.” She moved stealthily away. Romana and Narvin watched her trip over a tree stump, and then turned to each other.

“You could be right,” Romana said. “But the Doctor’s actually tried this one on me. Several times.” She did what would have been a very poor impression of a Bandril and was almost unrecognisable as an impression of any of the Doctor’s regenerations. “Ooh, look, Romana, I’m having so much fun exploring space and time with my new friend. If only you hadn’t left me, you could be having this much fun right now. You know. That sort of thing.”

“Hm,” Narvin said. “Have you noticed how you’re not travelling through space and time with the Doctor right now?”

“Yes,” Romana said. “But I’m very strong willed.”

“Whereas Leela,” Narvin said after a pause, “is known for her mild temper and suggestible personality.”

“Yes, all right,” Romana said, as a flock of birds scattered before Peela’s advance. “Back to the drawing board.”

Romana’s seventh idea:

“This is a very bad idea,” Narvin said, through the fake smile he was giving the vicar. “This is, in fact, my least favourite of all your ideas.”

“Thank you, Narvin,” Romana said grimly. “You’ve made your feelings, if not your helpful suggestions, known.”

“If any of you,” the vicar said to the congregation behind them, “know cause or just impediment why these two persons should not be joined together in Holy Matrimony, ye are to declare it.”

There was silence.

“Oh gods,” Narvin muttered. “We’re going to have to go through with it. It doesn’t count, though. It can’t – this isn’t our Gallifrey. This isn’t even a Gallifreyan ceremony!”

“She might still come,” Romana said, as she passed him the ring. “No. She has to. It’s what any friend would do.”

“You did send her the invitation.”

“Of course,” Romana said.

“Good.”

“That is, I asked K-9 to do it.”

“Oh,” Narvin said. “Well, I’m sure nothing could possibly have gone wrong then.”

“I now pronounce you man and wife,” the vicar said.

“Hooray!” Peela called from the pews.

“You may kiss the bride.”

“I’d rather not,” Narvin said.

*

There was music and dancing after the ceremony. Neither Romana nor Narvin felt much like dancing, though. They sat together at a table at the fringe of the dance floor. Or rather – Narvin sat. Romana had her head on the table. Next to them were several open bottles of champagne.

“This is terrible,” Romana said into the tablecloth. “I feel terrible.”

“Your idea,” Narvin slurred.

“What are we going to do?”

“Have some... anti-inebriation pills... in my pockets.”

“I think the alcohol is all that’s keeping me upright,” Romana said.

“You’re not upright,” Narvin observed.

Romana groaned – and looked up, as a hand touched her shoulder.

“You do not look well, Romana,” Leela told her. “I can see why my help was needed.”

“Leela,” Romana said wonderingly. She pushed away the hair that had stuck to her face. “You came.”

“Yes,” Leela said.

“Too bloody late,” Narvin told her. “Not that... it counts... anyway.”

“I do not understand,” Leela said. “What does not count?”

“Our wedding,” Romana explained.

“What?” Leela said. “You and Narvin are married?”

“Yes,” Narvin said dolefully as Leela began laughing to hard to continue the conversation for a while.

“You mean you didn’t know about it?” Romana asked. “I thought that was why you were here.”

“That idiot dog couldn’t even... deliver a letter,” Narvin hiccupped.

“Negative, Chancellor Narvin," K-9 told him. “I delivered the letter in Mistress Romana’s office addressed to Mistress Leela. She can confirm.”

“He is right,” Leela said. “It was a good letter. You did not hide your feelings behind long words, but spoke them truly. I knew, when I read it, that I must return.”

She handed a crumpled piece of paper to Romana, who unfolded it.

Dear Leela, the letter read. Please come back. We miss you and I need your help more than ever. I’m sorry that things have gone so badly, but I promise I’ll try harder in the future.

Yours,
Romana (and Narvin)

“Oh,” Romana said, looking at it and then up at Leela again.

Leela smiled and Romana smiled back. Next to her, Narvin fell off his chair onto the floor.

*

“You know what this means?” Romana said to Narvin some time later. “This means my first idea would have worked. Despite all your naysaying, Narvin.”

“Yes dear,” Narvin said.

*