Category Archives: Trigger Warning

Fucking Dr. Rabbit. 

Posted by LawNerd on

Today I had a meeting with the class coordinator at school with my friend in this Master’s program, Mono. We got all the classes done and then we chatted and me taking the LSAT in 2013 came up and so did the issue with Dr. Rabbit. 

And I broke down crying. In the middle of the fucking meeting. 

Reliving the moment Dr. Rabbit said what do people think, that she would come and shoot up the place with a shotgun made my nerves (along with hormones from my period) get the better of me and made me cry. 

It was fucking embarrassing. :/ I really do need to talk to someone professional about this… It’s been 2 years now. 

Rock bottom

Posted by LawNerd on

I didn’t do well in law school.

And I moved back home.

My mom needs dialysis soon…

And later today, I may possibly have to put my best friend of 14 years down… My little chihuahua.

While trying to be strong for her on our way to the vet and all of today.

Not only that but I can’t find a job, and school isn’t starting soon.

I feel at such a low point with all of this, plus trying to be strong with my own health declining.

I just want things to freeze in time. Or that I wake up from this nightmare of not doing well or that my mom isn’t dieing and that my dog is really healthy and that my organs are perfectly fine.

But this is life, isn’t it?

Where My Feminism Arises…

Posted by LawNerd on

TRIGGER WARNING: LINKED VIDEO MAY BE A TRIGGER.

So the internet places I’ve been on blew up all about this Elliot Rodgers kid (ie. Tumblr and Facebook).

Now, I’ve read a lot of shit and saw his video, and it grossed me out. I couldn’t get past the 3 minute mark.

Now… for some of the arguments…

Some guys say he’s in the right for killing 7 because he was “friendzoned”… If that was the case, I’d have  went on 3 killing sprees at this point in my life. SO! Let’s dissect why that statement/ logic is so fucked up… friendzone is just a made-up term to describe one person not wanting to have sex or a more in-depth relationship with another person… At that point, wouldn’t it just be good to say ‘oh’ and just drop it? Why ruin a perfectly good friendship all in the name of what…? Getting laid so one doesn’t have to wank/flick the bean for another while longer?

He was mentally ill…That is one big ole flawed argument right there. Not all people with mental disabilities (yes, I’m acknowledging there might be a fraction that do) are disturbed to the point of going out on a casual killing spree… so stop feeding into the societal brainwashing of the use of disabilities in the media (as learned from an article read for Nicole’s class and presentation I was at back in October by Melinda Hall, whom I’ve found her wordpress if anyone is interested in philosophy). What we do know is, that he showed signs of being extremely theatrical (much like the ones Ashley showed when we last spoke), and that he could have just been another boy who wanted attention or had a bad home life or etc- we don’t know squat about this kid other than he was 22, virgin, and wanted to have sex to the point of objectfying women as that being their only use.

He’s the product of conservative white christians… That’s just being stereotypical… I know some conservative white christians who are more stable than this kid… but it seems to be more of a misogynistic issue here.

So, what are your thoughts about this guy and the few arguments proposed?
~C

Time Flies By

Posted by LawNerd on

Who was I just yesterday?
No, not 24 hours ago…
Two… Three weeks ago.
Perception is greatly skewed.

So much going on,
Not sure what part of me is still.
Am I still alive?
Going through the motions

It’s all fun and games,
Until you realize…
You ate 2 days ago.
Wtf?

Just 2.5 more months,
You tell yourself.
I’ll rest then.
I’ll take it easy then.

But then they all say:
If you could make it.
I can.
Just you watch.

Death Makes It’s Toll

Posted by LawNerd on

Monday night, my teacher died. I was close to him because he helped me feel more comfortable being the president of GSA, and more so to be direct with my sexuality. Why? Because he was the only gay professor I’ve ever had the privilege of meeting, working with, and chatting too in the mornings about life. The last time I saw him was back in October, but we still stayed in touch over Facebook and chatted sparingly on there when he had the energy to respond to people.

Cancer can do that to someone…

Tomorrow, is his funeral. I’m going along with Dr. Rabbit at 10, but the worst part is: I can’t stay too long. Not because I’d get emotional, but because I have a workshop to attend that technically starts at 9:30-1:30. I’m nervous since this is the first funeral I’ve ever attended… Unless you count the time I was 2, and snuck into my grandfather’s casket poking him and trying to wake him up to play and to drink water… My mom had to grab me out of the casket with tears streaming down her face since her cousin in law was supposed to be watching me.

Speaking about my mom… I had to take her to the hospital today. But, her doctor wasn’t in so the receptionist had referred her to her eye doctor. After 3 hours there, we (well, I) had to drive an hour away to another family doctor who did absolutely nothing but a urine sample and some blood tests that could have been done at the hospital.

But throughout the day, my mom was getting weaker (which is bad considering her health is already shit) and I was growing more frustrated at this wild goose hunt between doctors to get some answers already. There was one lady in a wheelchair who happened to be talking to her older son about his wife’s food. She said it would be nice to eat again, because once you get old, nothing works and then there’s nothing, so what’s the point of living? I wanted to bitch smack her so hard because I turned to my mom who was sleeping on my arm in the lobby and thought that even if someone can barely do shit with their body anymore, it’s the outlook on life. I was raised to think that life is meant to be filled by doing little things that make you happy (like spending 3 nights in a row watching Netflix, as an example). So for this lady to talk as if she was already dead, pissed me off. Go do something with yourself lady… you can still talk right? Get a phone, and call a friend and laugh instead of painting your life so damn dull and dreary.

By the time we got home, I had to rush to revise my resumé and paper to turn in to my teacher and the LSAC site, fill up on gas, go to the bank and make it to class in 2 hours.

When I got out, my mom called and asked if I was out and on the road…

Me: Yeah, I just left the campus and about to get on the bridge. 
Mom: Could you call your father and ask him to come over so he isn’t rushing in the morning? 
Me: Sure. Let me just organize the other million things in my head. 
Mom: What other things? 
Me: All the work I was supposed to do today. I ended up pleading with Nicole over text if she can give me an extension for my paper on Monday. She’s cool enough to give me till Tuesday.
Mom: Oh… I’m so sorry bebé. It’s my fault you didn’t get anything done… I just didn’t feel strong enough to drive and I didn’t have anyone else to ask. 

And that’s precisely when my heart broke… My tears swelled up, choking me and making me gasp for air. My own mother blaming herself and her health for causing me a little stress compared to what I’m normally used to? I wanted to tell her to take back what she said, to not feel like she’s a liability or an anchor to my life, or anything of that sorts. I hated everything about school, about doctors who can’t fucking say squat except for ‘gimme money because your insurance just ran out’, about having to work, about God for making her suffer this way (just another reason to think that if there is a God, s/he’s one evil motherfucker asshole that should burn with its counterpart-Satan), about everything.

Me: Don’t say that. I’m pissed at the doctors for throwing you around like a rag doll. I can handle the bump- I’ll just have to work 2x harder tomorrow. So don’t be sorry, because I can handle it. If anything…

sorry

The “V” Spin-off.

Posted by LawNerd on

REMEMBER! REMEMBER! THE FIFTH OF… February…?

It’s a special day… but unfortunately, I can’t seem to forget that Ashley will be turning 21 today.

Why haven’t you left my mind already???

Me: Maybe I need to redefine my life and things in it since the past 6-7 years kind of was a bust?
Tay: Just because the past 6-7 year for you wasn’t the best because of her, doesn’t mean it was really a bust, does it?
Me: *thinking* well, I’ve been sheltered, and single most of the time, see the decline of my parent’s health, watched people leave, get harassed, lost those relationships that I felt were real… Not all of it. There were some things that were ok.

But nothing came to mind. I literally can’t remember that many truly happy times that didn’t involve Ashley…

Maybe I’m starting to lose it now that I’m 10x stressed with law school applications and my huge workload of basically 23 credits while still maintaining my position as the president of gay-straight-alliance…

Guess all that is left is to say: Happy birthday…

Borderline Personality Disorder

Posted by LawNerd on

Saturday I went to a Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) workshop at school thinking that it was just a psych and film class and that I could analyze character motives in some films…

But I got way more than that. Thoughts that I could fall under histrionic or antisocial personality disorder, and an anxiety/panic attack because all the things we were talking about made me think of  all the things about Ashley and Sally.

We were on the topic of the 3 clusters of the personality disorders, and the teacher mentioned Social Anxiety. I instantly thought of Ash… Everything fit her to a T, and the teacher said it’s similar to anti social in the aspects of manipulative, against social norms, and lack of empathy.

We had talked about borderline personality disorder, when Ashley’s older sister, Sally, came to mind. I started having a panic attack from constantly remembering things about her (like my infatuation with her back in 2012, when she told me about her rape, when I had to take her to the cop station for being beaten and strangled by a troubled guy she met in her therapy group, and the last time I talked to her), and started doing my nervous tick that I recently developed for when I hide my emotions- slicking my hair back constantly with my sweaty hands. It got worse when the teacher talked about children around them and how messed up they could end up becoming… And I thought of K-Lynn, her daughter.

My heart was pounding, and I just wanted to scream from the both of them in my mind while hearing the teacher say ‘Psychologists typically get burnt out from these kind of disorders…’ I was friends with Ashley and her anxiety disorder for 6 years, and 2 years with Sally and her bipolar/ BPD… and I finally realized why I turned away from them and why I feel so different… slightly empty…

They burnt me out, and I haven’t been able to find my flame since.

666

Posted by LawNerd on

How fitting… It’s the 666th post on Life in a Nutshell, and it’s also the post where everything started to fall into place and stress just… disappeared.

Yesterday I went to sleep at 1am because god knows that my insomnia likes to torcher me the night before a huge exam- it’s always been like that since I was a kid. And then I woke up at 5:30 to get ready to take the LSAT in Loyola at 8 am.

As I was en route there, I noticed that I was just numb to everything- numb to stress, numb to feel, just… numb. Why? Well I feel it has to do with the entire semester (I vented to a friend that I hated my coach at first, had to act normal, was over stressed about the Dr. Rabbit ordeal, and my lsat).

So when I was in the test, I saw a bunch of things on there that made me giggle like World of Warcraft passage, philosophy, and a question that outlined Dr. Rabbit’s scenario… And I was completely thrown off from there.

Fast forwarding to later that evening, I ended up drinking a lot and then checking my email only to find out that I’m exempt from the final in criminal law and my grade is a 191.50 out of 185. I was doing back flips like crazy! Finally, things are looking up lately, I thought to myself.

Later on up until 3 am, I was skyping Shawn and his brother while hiding under the covers because I didn’t have a top on. But he told me something that I probably won’t forget “I’m 22, you’re still 20, and my brother is 18. I think we make great siblings- you’re like the sister we never had!” Then his brother chimes in and says “I think of you as a sister even though we never met in person!” I just kept thinking “I have a family so-to-speak… Maybe this fight with Ash that led me to them was what I needed?”

Then I remembered Ash… which is something I probably shouldn’t do while drinking, because I ended up finding her blog and reading something she posted a week ago that made me snap out of being drunk

“I guess it’s harder for me to be social ever since I lost my best friend—not like I regret erasing her from my life when she erased me from it.”

I wanted to respond saying that all the allegations she shot at me hurt… then when I shut down and stopped responding to her in hopes that she would just stop, she got worse and started sending long messages via text that would make me cringe and have panic attacks in between fits of numbness. Then I remembered the defining point of everything: she had started sounding deranged by switching back and forth from saying that she needed me and that she was going to find better friends… And all I had thought to myself was “I just wanted her to stop… and she didn’t… and now this? It’s too obsessive. I think I need to get away and hope that we both can find better friends.” So, then I told her that I just wanted to study, her allegations are wrong, but if that whole finding better friends is what she wanted right there- then so be it… Have a nice life.

Clearly we both are fucked if we can still have feelings about this (I for the guilt of just saying goodbye, and her for feeling like she’s inadequate because of that, thus reverting her back into her shell).